[DP_2017]

And the stupid thoughts/desires that were rejected are still there and sometimes to an intense level, how do you handle it?

I won't discuss it further with him, no point. I don't need to be rejected again and nothing will change. I have no one in real life I can talk to about stuff like this but him and my dog. I journal, it helps some but feelings and thoughts are annoying and come back randomly.

I find myself in general just feeling stronger and stronger with things about him each passing day and of course I love the friend like relationship we have but it also fuels these thoughts/desires. However, if he was to pull back or change, I could not handle it. I'd lose so much trust in him.

So, I'm stuck. Talking to him about it, is a for sure no. Saying, let's change how things are with us is also a no. Sadly erasing my mind is a no...or I totally would.
When I'm there in person with him, none of this stuff bothers me, it's when I'm away and WANT to be with him more... it's a cycle I can't get my mind to stop doing. Also don't suggest a new T, because no. Maybe there is no actual options other than to suffer. Just wish it was easier to deal with somehow.

[Merope]

Hey DP, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I sort of know how this feels. Although my T hasn’t openly rejected me, I know that If I were to voice some of my longing to him, he would. So I don’t voice it because there’s no point. I know that him upholding professional boundaries would feel like rejection to me even if it may not be intended that way.

I think there’s no easy way to deal with this. Accepting how things are and not longing for more is easier said than done, but sometimes it’s the only way to find some peace. I try to tell myself that my relationship with T is as perfect as it can be in the circumstances I was given—wishing for more is pointless because even if he were to give me more, it wouldn’t be the same. Longing can sometimes blind us so much so that we forget to look at what’s already there.

[elisewin]

Talk with him. As long as it bothers you. That's what you are there for.

[DP_2017]

I can't talk to him, he rejected me 2x over things I still think about and want and one time I nearly ended my life over it. It's not worth it again, we are in a good place. I wish I never met him though, I wouldn't be in this nightmare.

You don't mention what the rejection was about. Is it something that falls in the professional roles of a T, that he is supposed to do for your money, or outside of that range? If outside, and it's a repeated event, I personally don't think it's worth pushing and discussing with him - it may just deepen your hurt to revive it over and over again. Perhaps learning to tolerate such limitations and self-soothing over it might be more progressive? Of course if he is rejecting to do something that's supposed to be his normal professional duty, it's a different scenario - that I would definitely mention and would not overlook.

[DP_2017]

I don't like to discuss anything in detail with us here anymore... had too many issues when I used to do that.. but no it's not money or anything.

Ya I suppose suffering is the only option. Just wish my mind could stop. Maybe I'll just need to end therapy soon. (although I wont go to another, I'd just be done all together)

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, DP. Have you ever tried going to a support group? I find it easier to express how I really feel around people who have been through the same things.

[DP_2017]

I have bad social anxiety, a "group" of people makes me anxious to even think about. I could not do well with that. Plus this is all stuff that I'm just insane about. Not actual issues they would have groups for.

(You can search my history here In Jan, I probably posted about both issues. They both really devastated me)

Okay, I think I have an idea from your earlier posts what it may be about. I really think it's not worth bringing it up over and over with the T as it may just call for more rejections and fresh pain. Rejections are normal part of life and it is much better to learn how to cope with them and them move on rather than dissecting and getting stuck in them. It may feel unbearable in the moment and for a while but it's a normal reaction to not always getting what we want, not a pathology. But if the same hurt is rehashed over and over, that's an effective way to create and deepen an obsession. Just my opinions on the topic.

[DP_2017]

Ya like I said, I'm not bringing it up. I know it's a pointless idea.

I'm used to rejection, story of my life. It's why I prefer dogs to people and likely always will. It's why I won't ever allow myself to be close to anyone again, this is way too much. Not fun or useful in the slightest.

Just frustrating but hopefully someday I'll end up hating him and it will stop my mind

[unaluna]

Well, i talked about it to my t. Not very often, but im kinda slow. But a few times a year, he would take an airplane, and my apartment is between his home and the airport, so i would "jokingly" ask him if he would be stopping by on his way home from the airport. Painful, painful, painful.

I think the first time, he called me out on the "joking" aspect. But every trip after, we got a little deeper into what was really going on. Until now, i CAN really joke about it. There is probably still something for me to talk about, to learn from the question. But we both always understood we were talking about the longing, not an actual invitation. Cuz im pretty sure hed rather see his dogs first! Plus, like las vegas - "what happens in the therapy room, stays in the therapy room", is my motto.

[DP_2017]

Oh there's been many like comments from both of us. Things are very friend like but i wont get into it in detail. It makes it harder mentally at times but it's also great because I've gotten so comfortable with him that im actually assertive.

The other thing isn't as strong or often on my mind but i do still think about it quite a bit but know i cant say anything again

I don't see him as a t only. So i dont have mindset of what hapoens there stays there. Idk. Not really any solutions but suffer. Luckily I'm used to that.

Appreciate all the replies though

[LonesomeTonight]

Could you say something to him like, "I know you're not willing to change your position on x, but I need to talk more about why it bothers me that you won't." (Or, "I'm not asking you to reconsider x, but it still bothers me." That way, you can get the feelings out but not seem like you're asking for it again. Because if it keeps bothering you and you don't bring it up, that can drive a wedge between you and affect your therapy.

[unaluna]

You realize that choosing to suffer is kinda crazy. You are in therapy to stop the suffering, not to add to it. When you get to hell, you keep going - you dont stop and toast marshmallows.

[DP_2017]

I'm not really in therapy for any issues anymore, just to be with him. Wether or not its stupid is no one else's choice or business. My life is really **** outside the session, so having that 1 hr a week to make me happy is healing for me. I'll keep paying for it, stupid or not, it's my money

I wont bring it up even in that sense, because it comes off as me being dense or something and not getting it. I'm not wanting to annoy him.

The only thing I can really do is try to create a distance, and work on changing the loving feelings more to anger or hate. I'm good at that, I do it all the time with people. So I just need to create that distance and I should be ok. Thanks though,just kind of a stuck situation for me since talking or quitting are not options for me right now.

Anyway I'll be seeing him later, so at least I'll have 1 good happy hour to look forward to this week

[ElectricManatee]

Are you categorically against seeing a new T for any length of time and for any reason? I totally get that you don't want to start over in therapy with a different therapist and build a new relationship with somebody else. But this seems like the kind of situation that would be tailor made to consult with another therapist, maybe one or two sessions, to see if the other therapist could give you some insight or tips or a different perspective.

I can see where it would be impossible to work through the issue of feeling rejected with the person who rejected you. A parallel would be trying to talk through a break-up with the person who dumped you. I can tell you from experience that that just makes things worse. So maybe going to somebody who understands therapy and who you can explain the situation to and can get some advice from would be helpful. It might be easier to not feel like you're being repetitive or annoying or needy or whatever if it's some different T who you don't have any feelings toward.

[DP_2017]

Ya I really don't want to. I get it though but honestly nothing will change the desire and the outcome. So it wont matter who I talk to, the answer is the same, and the desire will still be there.

I am for sure gonna try to go less often, even though I struggle with even weekly now, at this point, the only hope I have is to create distance. I've already dealt with the issue that brought me to therapy in the first place, so now I just have to deal with learning to stop loving someone and let them go... yet again.

[ElectricManatee]

I guess I just think you seem so upset and hopeless about the situation with your T that it seems like you don't have much to lose by trying something way outside the box, like telling the whole story to somebody else and seeing if they can see something helpful that you can't. That's sort of the point of therapy in a nutshell, in my opinion. Plus a therapist would be bound to confidentiality, so you can get into all the gray area things that you can't talk about here.

I have found that therapy endings have been a useful way to learn how to say goodbye without giving up all the good feelings you have toward the other person. Very different from a lot of real-life goodbyes. So I think it's too bad that you feel like your only option is to resort to forcibly pulling the plug on the relationship with your T and trying to turn your love into hate. That seems so sad and painful.

[unaluna]

Are you telling me that you dont find the idea of gnawing on somebody else a little weird?

I think that is going to be the topic of my session today.

[DP_2017]

EM

No what you say makes sense but one thing is my current T has given me a great deal, he went through a lot to get his boss to consent to it, and I am struggling money wise, even losing my home right now, so I am not in a position to see someone else at higher cost.

Plus there is no way I would discuss any of the grey area/friend like things with another T and "Rat him out" Nope, and that's really the only way to deal with it with someone else is to talk about WHY this is so strong for me but I wont do that to him, now or ever.

I am hopeless but that's life. It's what happens in these situations apparently.... and I just went through the worst loss of my life a few months ago, losing him, would probably put me on suicide watch or something, I just can't deal with another big loss but it seems I have no choice. I thought maybe there was a good option, but there isn't, just try to ignore my mind and create distance. It's all I can do

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Are you categorically against seeing a new T for any length of time and for any reason? I totally get that you don't want to start over in therapy with a different therapist and build a new relationship with somebody else. But this seems like the kind of situation that would be tailor made to consult with another therapist, maybe one or two sessions, to see if the other therapist could give you some insight or tips or a different perspective.

I can see where it would be impossible to work through the issue of feeling rejected with the person who rejected you. A parallel would be trying to talk through a break-up with the person who dumped you. I can tell you from experience that that just makes things worse. So maybe going to somebody who understands therapy and who you can explain the situation to and can get some advice from would be helpful. It might be easier to not feel like you're being repetitive or annoying or needy or whatever if it's some different T who you don't have any feelings toward.

This definitely helped me. My situation was a bit different, since it was my (now-ex) marriage counselor, but I felt like ex-T wasn't helping with my feelings for him. So went to see now-current-T mainly to consult, to see if he could help me process it more and figure out how to separate from ex-MC. (Then ended up staying with him since he's helping me more than ex-T.) Yes, I ended up with a bad ending with ex-MC, but having T helped me process that and deal with it. If you are planning to eventually stop seeing current T, maybe having someone else (another T) to help you process it could be helpful. Just for a short-term, like dealing with a breakup, as EM mentioned.

[DP_2017]

never had a break up so that comparison doesn't mean much to me but ya... eventually, within this year I want him out of my life, I want to be free of this nightmare...

however i wont get into the therapy "Game" with anyone else and risk falling into this trap again. no thank you. lesson learned

[LonesomeTonight]

Maybe not so much dealing with a breakup, but any sort of loss really. Something that one would grieve in some way (death, friendship ending, etc.).

[DP_2017]

LT

Yep and losing my dog nearly killed me, my T was my saving grace during that, but without him, who will help me get past that loss? A stranger? Nope. I need trust... or I wont allow someone in

I plan to at least stick with him for the summer but probably gonna have to go bi weekly or monthly even though I'll struggle. I'll see him today, so I at least get a brief happiness....

Anyway.... who knows what I'll do down the road... I guess I can only worry about today really. Today I see him, so I'll focus on that. Try to put all my thoughts to bed

[zoiecat]

DP...feel free to ignore this suggestion if I am way off but it sounds like your T doesn't do much to actually "help" you with your lack of trust or other issues. From your past posts it seems like it is mainly a friendly chit chat type of session every week. I know this may be hard but have you ever brought up or asked for help with working on your issues? Afterall that is what T is really for. If he helped you find coping skills and ways to change your thinking you may not be in as much pain. Just a suggestion.