Couch 172: Couch me if you can

Thanks for this. I was kind of angry at him this morning for making me drive all the way back. I drove 7 hours round trip and never got to the national park I was aiming for. Then that turned to despair. I woke up and the same crap that existed yesterday existed today. I can't help but wonder what decision I would have made if I had got there. Maybe it would have been better if I'd made the decision, whatever it turned out to be. Or maybe coming back was the decision. Or maybe I just didn't want to hurt him. I could tell he really wanted me to come back. I really wanted to go sit in a forest and contemplate my fate. It feels like so much work to claw myself out of this hole and I'm just ****ing tired. I don't think I can do it. I can't envision a future for myself that's worth living. I tried to be strong and resilient for a long time. The crap over the last couple of years just broke me.

NP, that sounds really awful and painful. Have you given any more thought to medication? If you're kind of at the end of your rope, I don't think you have much to lose by trying it, right? I only say this because meds helped remove some of the horrible burden from me to where it became much more feasible to dig out on my own (with the help of my T, of course). I eventually got to a point where I was stable enough to be able to go off them without a problem when I eventually needed to, so it doesn't necessarily have to be a permanent thing, although it's fine if it is.

boby pic.....
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Boby is so regal!!

I understand that. My T calls it a "fugue state" with the understanding we are using the term our own way, and not the textbook definition. You're in a dangerous place, where there's anguish and dark that wont relent or remit, so of course you get worn down. There IS a way to make it stop, you just dont know what that is yet. A new puppy- a rough collie lassie collie that you can brush and train with eyes full of love? A CBD oil and prozac combo that you hit hard and changes something? It's hard to believe from inside the dark that light exists. Neurofeedback? It's your T's job to show you just a flicker of light. I agree with ElectricManatee that giving your brain a boost, some protection, and a chance to heal with medication could be a lifesaver, and not at all permanent

I was reading over my resume and noticed some mistakes my sister made. So much for all those jobs I applied to last week. I read it when she first gave it to me but must of missed the errors.

Love it!!!

He can see the flicker of light. I just can't see it. I try to trust him that it's there, but it's hard. He's always listing my positives.

Every time I see a Boby pic I just want to hug him!

Same! I should post a Lilly picture one day (my dog).

I wonder if maybe it's not helpful for you right now to have him list the positives. Is it possible that's making you feel worse? Like if he was saying, "You're an intelligent, caring person," that might make you feel more like you should just be able to pull yourself out of it? I just think of when my ex-T would say things like I'm very competent and intelligent, and it would make me feel like I should be able to just make myself feel better and that she thought I was a failure because I couldn't. Not sure how much sense this is making. But I just wonder if it could help if you asked him to pull back on the "listing the positives" part. If it is in fact making you feel worse.

Just finished reading all the messages in this thread. Maybe it's a mistake to post here. Too busy!

It is a fast moving thread with many different focusses. If one is seeking a response on a certain idea then it is often a better plan to start a thread on it.

It is a very chatty thread but welcome!

Does anyone know how out of pocket maximums for insurance work? I have reached mine, but I'm not sure what that means. I have a copay of $25 + 10% for my T and pdoc. Does that change? I have BCBS.

I know I am totally ping ponging but after all the talking w h over the weekend I emailed t yesterday and told her I will commit to 3 months of weekly after all if she is still willing and available (I didn't want her to give away my time slot). I'm especially glad I did after the CODA meeting yesterday. I think I have let go of some resistance after that. She responded favorably this morning. I feel relieved.
Wow have I been a mess refusing to see what a mess I am. I feel really clear-headed at the moment.

My h met his max out of pocket recently. With our insurance, that means he pays nothing the rest of the year for all covered medical and prescriptions. He just got 3 months of his Xarelto and his Dexilant for free. Woo!

I used to have BCBS...for me when I reached my out of pocket max..that meant that I did not have to pay anymore co-pays for the remainder of the year.

Now that I understand that difficulty making decisions is part of the co-dependency thing, I kinda feel better about how I keep ping ponging. Knowing why I do that and a bunch of other behaviors totally gives me new focus. I wish I had been able to acknowledge this about myself a long time ago. T did bring it up before I found it in my therapy notes from 3+ years ago (I keep them on my laptop). I just was NOT in a place where I could accept it then. But I got there, that's the important thing. I said "I'm Art, I'm co-dependent" probably 6 times at the meeting yesterday. It's really powerful restating it like that. I guess that's why you do it. I'm brand-new to 12 step programs. Be patient w me lol we'll see if I keep going or not. Right now I think I will. They weren't pushy at all with the religion thing instead referred to it as spiritual and stuff. That was a big plus.

I told t in yesterday's email that I was going to the meeting and hoped I wouldn't chicken out after I got there. I should feel good about that huh. I made a decision that I would go and did not second guess myself out of it like I do so many other decisions I try to make.

Tigger brought a frog into the house (alive and uninjured and hopping around) and I just spent the last few minutes catching it and taking it back outside. Tigger's on "house arrest" for the rest of tonight now.

Normally after she's been hunting I let her out about an hour after the prey animal has got away but by the time an hour has passed it will be nearly bed time.

Today in random therapy conversations:
I was talking about a gross pasta sauce my mom had at the beach one year that I didn't want to eat, and she was complaining that I didn't eat enough (was related to talking about dealing with my mom, since we're going to the beach with them later this summer). I said it was from Francesco Rinaldi.
T: "What's Francesco Rinaldi?"
Me: "A really bad tomato sauce, like Ragu, but not as good."
T: "Like Prego?"
Me: "Worse than that."
T: "There's something worse than Prego?"
Me: "You wouldn't think so, but there is."

Gee, I thought Ragu was pretty bad...I shudder to think what the others are like.

okay I caved at her scratching at the door and letting out begging meows but I shut the door again so she has to ask before she can come back in and she's not bringing another frog back in the house

You are a great cat parent, Whisper.