In Session Today: Part V

Today’s session turned from emotional fire fighting into learning how to stay in the present moment. I began by telling R about the contract, and my concerns regarding promotional photos for work. Then I redirected and talked about the energy that I’m using keeping things at bay.


‘I do not want this experience to be the thing that defines me.’

‘Strong words there, almost like a mantra.’

‘The thing that separates the two experiences is that with Chris there was movement.’

I did not give voice to the critic, but it was very vocal at this point.

‘Stay with it, turn the filter down.’


I talked about how it was one thing after another, and I never got any reassurance.

‘It sounds as though it was just you going through this.’

‘Yes. I feel as though I should have been able to walk away. I knew it was too much.’

‘You knew it was too much. I feel as though there was something dutiful about it. Did you feel as though you had a supporter role?’

‘Yes – I felt like if I left something awful would happen, and I would not know about it.’

At this point, I wanted to acknowledge how that related to my fears around Chris’s death. For a long time, I feared there would come a point where I just would not hear anything again.

‘There was a couple of weeks, and then there was the bathroom scene.’

We talked some more about that, and then R mentioned that she had received my e-mail.


‘When you e-mail me, I really sense your desire to bring all of your pain into this space. When we’re talking now, I feel connected, but when you’re trying to go to that painful place, I cannot see you, your face is turned away.’


‘Here I go in storyteller mode.’

R told me that she remembers when we first met and I brought the timeline to every session ‘like a comfort blanket.’


She said ‘Now you’re learning to feel it’, and then corrected herself because she thought it was condescending. She noted the difference in my presentation, and encouraged me to think back on how when we first started, I wanted her to know every detail. Now the focus is on wanting to stay in the present moment.


‘Without getting into too much theory, I see different parts of you. There is a part of you that is fearful of expressing emotion of, there is part of you that wants to feel this, and there is part of you that wants to run away.’

‘I feel like I’m running away most of the time. There is only so long I can keep the mask on. It's good to have a place where I can let it breathe.’


R volunteered that she is reading a book on mindfulness at the moment. She asked whether I still use techniques, and offered that she could see whether her supervisor [first time she has mentioned having a supervisor] might have anything to offer.

In closing, she asked me for two words to describe how I was feeling: ‘Let’s name some emotions…I’ll do the same.’



‘Relaxed, and fluent.’



‘I feel relaxed, but my brain is very active. I’m not sure of the word for that. Physically calm.’

‘I am in a similar place.’



We scheduled for next week.

T today. Went back and sat down. I commented on how unseasonably warm it was, we discussed that a minute. T: "So how are you?" Me: "I'm OK, think I've recovered from conference earlier in week." Discussed professional conference I'd helped plan and how well it went, with T having some positive words for me.

I mentioned how I was probably going to go early vote after session, and we talked a bit about our local elections. T said he'd been to where I was going to vote that morning with his wife, and I was thinking of how awkward it would have been to run into them.

I said I was debating what to talk about today. How there was a topic from the conference I could discuss, or maybe from D trick or treating night before. I said how we'd made it to maybe 10 houses. And how if I had just been out with her alone, I'd have been a mess, because I would have worried about how she was reacting to neighbors, if they were offended, wondering what was wrong with her (she's on autism spectrum), etc. That I felt I had to explain her, like if she didn't say "trick or treat" or acted weird or whatever.

T said he didn't know how I'd react to this. But that most people probably just didn't give a s**t how she acted. Me: "OK. I'm not offended by that." He said how I think so much about what other people think, that in general, people just don't care. He said he wondered how much I was aware of how a neurotypical child her age would act. I said I didn't know because I didn't know many kids. He said I was probably overestimating how NT child would act, how kids act all different ways, that no child would have perfect interaction.

I said I thought maybe that's why I was often reluctant to bring D out places, because I worried about how others would react. Like what if we were in a store and another kid or adult was trying to talk to her, and D wasn't responding or not giving expected response. That I tended to want to explain her, like "She's just shy" or "She's on the spectrum." T said how I didn't have to do that, how kids aren't predictable, that most people are understanding.

This led to T saying how I'm so overly sensitive to other people and how they're feeling. And how most people aren't that way. T: "I wish you could just live in someone else's head for a couple days." Me: "But then I might not want to come back to my head. Could you do that though?" T: "Unfortunately, I don't have the technology."

He said how he also wished that H could be in my head for a bit. Me: "He'd probably want out right away. He'd know how bad it was in there." T: "Actually, I suspect the opposite. That he doesn't realize how much you think and worry about other people. So if he were in your head for a bit, he might be more compassionate toward you." Me: "Or just think 'get me out of here!'"

Me: So how do I stop thinking so much about what other people think? I was talking to a friend, and she said she'd learned to not care what strangers thought. T: "So in a couple of years...I'd like you to get to the point where you can not care what other people think about you. But for now, we need a shorter goal." Me: "OK" (thinking, "a couple years???"). T: "Right now you just need to consider that what they're feeling is more about them than you." Me: "OK." T: "Like if they're bothered by how your D is acting, that's probably more about them." Me: "OK."

T was talking more about how the average person thinks and perceives other people. Me: "So, do you think that way? Sorry...not to pry too much...but just curious if you think that way." T: "I'm not sure how you're going to take this. And maybe you'll contact me about it later. But after this session ends...I have another client at 1:30. I won't think about you after that or for the rest of the day." Me: "OK, I understand that. I mean, I'd want you to be focused on your next client. And I wouldn't want the client before me to be on your mind during my session." T: "OK, glad you understand that. Like I might think during session, 'LT might be bothered by one of a couple things I said today,' but I'd think to myself that maybe she won't be, or if she is, then she'd just email me about it or else she'd bring it up next session. So I wouldn't spend lots of time thinking about your reaction." Me: "OK."

T: "I think maybe if the roles were reversed, maybe you would be sitting there wondering how I'd react." Me: "You mean if I were the therapist?" T: "Yes. Like I could see you thinking about your clients after session, wondering about certain things you'd said and how they took them." Me: "Yeah I could see that. I could see myself lying awake at 2 a.m. worrying about something I'd said to a client. I guess that's a reason I shouldn't be a therapist. Even though I think I'd probably be a good one because I'm empathic." T: "Yes, I think you'd be a good one. But that you'd be thinking about what your clients said and your effect on them." Me: "Yeah, but wouldn't that make me a bad one due to lack of boundaries?" I forget what he said to that.

Talked about some related stuff till like 26 after hour (we meet on the half hour, so it had been 56 minutes). I picked up my phone, knowing we were almost over time, but he still kept talking for a minute or two. Confirmed next week.

Went over to pay. I said how I knew I'd been sick earlier in week, so we didn't shake hands, but was fine today. We shook hands as T said, "Good luck voting!" Me: "Thanks!" T: "Have a good one." Me: "You, too."

LT: People REALLY don't think about you/your daughter like you worry. I work with 2 year olds, and have been around kids all my life. If one didn't answer me, or acted "different," (there really is no different with children), I wouldn't think a thing of it. Kids are weird, particular.

Also, a T who had just come in the night before (i was inpatient), asked us how long we thought about him from then until now. I thought to myself "umm, about 2 seconds,' and everyone's answers were in the seconds. Most people are concerned about themselves, and not so much about others. Its just a fact of life.

LT

Velcro and your T are very right. Think about how often you truly think about people you see in passing, like if they do something weird or whatever? Probably gonna be the same for them. Most people look at their phones nowadays more than they do other people

Thanks--that makes sense re: kids.

But if my T ever had a true sense of how much I actually thought about him outside of session? He'd run screaming so fast...

LT, about your d, I will add from a been there-done that-have the t-shirt mom perspective that your d is exactly perfectly who she is, who she is meant to be. Full stop. Your heart knows that about her.

So what if another person thinks she's "weird" or not giving the response that person expects? You know who she is.

Many hugs.

ETA: When I say btdt, I don't mean in an "I have all the answers" way. That perspective was hard-won, and it took some hard moments to get the lightbulb to come on.

I think T's know we think about them way more than they think of us.

Exactly this

This is part of what happens often in this type of relationship, they are expecting it and prepared for it to happen.... I'm sure your T is well aware of how often you think of him, or has a good idea about it... as long as you keep things professional, I don't think it will bother him.... but it also doesn't mean you need to tell him like "I thought of you about 500x today" ---

I figure as long as I give my T respect and give him his space outside our sessions, we will be fine.

LT: One day my kid was on the playground when another little girl came up and said HI.. to him, he didn't answer so I said " say hi back" and the little girl said "it's ok if he doesn't say hi" and then continued to chat away to him. The kid was right. She accepted my kid easier than my anxiety.

In session today I told T that I didn't know why I was still in therapy but that I was glad I was with her.

Seriously LT - no one is overanalyzing your D.

My son is on the spectrum and he insisted on passing out candy. He never said "Happy Halloween" or "nice costume" or anything else. He literally opened the door, gave out some candy and closed the door. I didn't worry about it in the least. It's totally not how I would have done it but it was fine.

People are too entrenched in their own lives to worry about it.

I will add that I had a neurotypical daughter before having son but even she has her hangups. Everyone has something.

That's harsh. I would feel stung if I heard that. It's true and logical and sensible, but nevertheless I would feel minimised.

I also doubt it's true. If it is true he needs to look at his workload. Therapists should take some time to reflect on sessions. It's ethical practice. Especially if they're not in supervision.

As this therapist is described here, he doesn't sound like the most reflective of fellows.

Someone turned my life upside down & inside out because I reported him to the police. He's out on bail now and it's been impossible for me. Told police to look at the timeline of his actions. I can't report him again. Next time who knows what he'd do to me....

What I really like about what your T said is that he's clear it's a process, not an instant event where once you see things "correctly," you'll stop worrying and thinking so much. I think that people are on a continuum with this, where on one end someone is a narcissist or a psychopath or a whatever (doesn't care at all about how they affect other people or what other people think of them) and at the other end is someone who *only* cares what others think of them. I think if one errs on one side or the other, caring too much is a better place to be. But it does compromise you and your selfness, and affects your relationships including your parenting. One thing about that I'll note, as a parent of a kid who is not on the spectrum but not typical either, is that being worried about what other people think of your child may lead to them feeling less accepted by you. At least for my kid, when I gave up my need to have him be a certain "acceptable" way with others, that's--paradoxically-- when he really flourished socially. Now he is warm and kind, and can talk to anybody about anything. It's like my worrying got in his way, and one thing I've really wanted not to do as a parent is get in his way or control him. Letting him be seemed to help him evolve into who he was meant to be.

It seems to me like you are on your way to changing this. You are aware of when you are doing the "too much caring about what others think." You are openly discussing it with your T. Your next move forward could be anything.

I think it's perfectly possible that this T may reflect on a session, especially when writing up session notes or perhaps at other times, such as right before the next one. Telling a client he doesn't "think about the session" or whatever language he used may mean something different to him than the kind of professional reflection being spoken about. I get the sense he was saying that he didn't unhealthily ruminate about a session or allow his professional work to flow into his family or personal life.

I get how T’s can switch from one client to the next client as they have to to be able to do their job. I don’t know how they completely ‘switch off’ at the end of the day. I know they need to leave work at work for their own mental well-being but I can’t imagine clients never cross their minds outside of the session. It doesn’t always have to be a negative way that impacts their personal life. I mean I work with people one to one in a very different capacity. It is not half as intense as a therapy session and I don’t know half as much about their personal lives as a t would abouts ours. They will cross my mind from time to time outside of work. Usually it is fleeting and I don’t ruminate about them. Sometimes something I see just reminds me of one of them and other times I might think of a problem they brought up. The point is they have impacted me , effect me and do cross my mind from time to time throughout the day or week. T has never said they think of me outside of session mainly as I have never asked and I’m not sure how they would respond if I asked.

My T has mentioned a few times when she’s thought of me out of session-usually something or someone reminds her of me in some way. i think that is perfectly normal.

Mine has too, every session lately, so much that I think it might be a "technique."

I too would feel stung by that. Despite it being logical.

I did end up exchanging some emails with my T regarding the not thinking about me after session ended. His explanation really helped. Here’s his response (I did get charged for 15 minutes of time for this one, but I’d preapproved it).

“I had a feeling after I said that, that it would cause you some angst and I'm sorry forthat. The point I was trying to make at the time wasn't related to the concerns that you're expressing, although I will address them in a moment. I was trying to convey how, in general, people's negative behavior isn't personal or even malicious in nature. It has a lot more to do with thoughtlessness and/or being wrapped in their own universe and not even thinking about the fact that other people exist. Much of the time people (me included) are on auto-pilot, not devoting much mental energy at all to the decisions that they're making - or to the people around them.

In terms of what I said, I remember saying "I'm not likely to think about you again for the rest of the day." You'll notice in the email you wrote to me that you're extrapolating from that comment that 1) that means I don't care; and 2) that means I never think about my clients - or you - at all. Neither of those things are true, and I didn't say either of those things. Everyone that I work with is important and deserves careful consideration and thought in terms of what is best-practice for helping them. You likely remember that I took the time of several of my colleagues to take your concerns about the stone seriously, by talking to them about your feelings and how I was handling the situation. Of course, some clients need more thought than others depending on what's going on. I'm likely to wonder how you will respond to this email after I send it, for example.

I realize that my comment felt like an abandonment - and I can see how it could feel that way. The context of when it was said, and the point I was trying to illustrate, is important to the point I was trying to make. I'll make an effort to be more careful in the future, although after working with me for over a year I think it's pretty obvious that my therapeutic style tends to be more direct. Sometimes that results in pushing too hard in a place that's too sensitive for that pressure, and I'm glad you were able to talk/email about it.

I think it's very important to consider the full body of evidence when you're wrestling with fears about whether or not I care. For example, here I am taking time to consider your feelings, and write back to you with the hope and intention of allaying your fears. This isn't the first time I've done this, and you'd also hopefully remember that there is a reason you have felt trust in our work up to now - we have worked to build that up. We have come through quite a few tough situations, and as I result our working relationship has been - in my opinion - quite good.

I look forward to seeing you soon to talk about this further, and if you'd like, feel welcome to let me know if there is more you need in the interim.
“

That was super nice of him (even if it is charged)
I'd say especially after this, REALLY try in the future, to trust him and in your relationship. I get that anxiety makes you question it, but it would be such growth for you to just allow things to be and see what happens.

I was actually gonna use the example of the stone but I didn't wanna bring that topic up again, but yes, he did take a lot of time out for that issue with you, and while he charged you, he CALLED you on a trip, and he replies to all your messages.... even if briefly,.... Why is it so important for him to think of you so often? I get wanting to be cared about.... but I guess for me, I really don't care if my T thinks of me 1x a week or 80. It wouldn't change anything in the relationship.

Try to go the rest of the weekend without email. Just take this as he cares, and all is well and try to enjoy your weekend. It's hard with anxiety but try to focus more on the GOOD things than the small little negative things...they usually are never as bad as our mind makes us think they are. Anxiety is evil

Hope this email can help you, keep this and READ it over if you feel unsure again in the future....

Today, I was sleepy. T was sleepy too, I think, and he felt far away—mostly sitting in silence and listening, but I think he regards that as giving me space too formulate my thoughts. I will address it next session but I am trying not to take it personally. He can’t be the A+ therapist every session.

Agreed...he honestly does care, and what he said about how you extrapolated evidence that he doesn't care from that sentence is what struck me about your response as well.

I don't think whether or not he cares is the issue. He has repeatedly said things that have left LT feeling unsafe. That's not cool. He even continues to say things caveated with "You might not respond well to this" so he knows he's doing it yet persists. I don't find that to be responsible practice.