[SarahSweden]

I keep thinking about the abrupt termination I´m going through and I suffer every day from it since it happened about a month ago.


To me the hardest part in this is knowing the therapist doesn´t care or at least she doesn´t care nearly as much as I am. She isn´t affected in any substantial way and it hurts very much as I was always honest with her and I didn´t do her any harm.


Sometimes I think of writing her something about how I feel and how I now suffer but if I don´t receive an answer, which I probably won´t, that will hurt even more.


My therapist can move on with her life, her work, her husband while I´m very stuck at the moment. I´ve become more depressed than before this happened and I lie on my bed, I sleep both day and night, I cry and I try to get a grip about what happened.

I think what´s hurting the most is she doesn´t care how I feel. She lied to me and went beyond the rules of her organization which lead to terminating me. But the hardest part is still that she now doesn´t care about me anymore.

It´s all so fake even if I understand a T can´t be there forever and after a termination. But it´s very unfair, it´s me who already was in a vulnerable state who´s being put in an even more vulnerable state.

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

[Salmon77]

What you're going through is very difficult, and you're right that it is not fair, and this should not have happened.

It may be true that the therapist is not affected by this as strongly as you are and is not hurting as much as you. At the same time, it sounds like she messed up this situation in part because she did care about you, and it seems likely to me she still does care, even if she cannot help you now.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree I’m sorry you’ve also been through this (((((((( hugs )))))))))

And I’m glad you’re receiving good support here.

I actually posted earlier today about the fakeness.. but deleted it.........

I’m also happy you are not receiving “tough love” which is spectacularly unhelpful.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think your T does (and did) care, but she's stuck right now by the rules of her organization. She's likely bothered by what happened, too. At the same time, this was not your fault--it was hers. It was on her to follow the rules of the organization and enforce the boundaries. And she didn't do that, which ultimately hurt you. I suspect she did it because she cared and it was her, maybe misguided, attempt to help you. Hugs...

I understand really well. I am so sorry its so hard.

[Amyjay]

I am not convinced. I think the fact that she couldn't terminate with you when she knew she should have done, and only eventually terminated because her hand was forced points more to the fact that she did care about you rather than she didn't. She didn't want to have to terminate you. She knew you needed the support and she cared too much to end the sessions when she should have. The abruptness of the termination is because she wasn't given a choice about it.
Yeah she did the wrong thing and should have terminated your sessions earlier and not lead you to believe you could carry on. But none of that was because she didn't care. That's your own stuff kicking in there.

[Ididitmyway]

I really feel your pain. Been there, done that.

I had my own crushing experience a long time ago. I had an enormously traumatic termination of my first therapy, which came not long after some other tragic experiences like a sudden death of my sister and a heart wrenching rupture with my parents and a loss of friends. It's a very long story, so I won't get into this right now. One thing I can tell is that I was going through some pretty tough ****, which was why I sought therapy. It was helpful for about 6 months. Then, the intense transference came and everything turned into "working on the relationship" with the therapist while my own life was in tatters and I desperately needed someone to help me manage a lot of ****. This "relationship work" naturally lead to a pathological dependency on the therapist, which is something he, not surprisingly, wasn't able to handle. The usual gaslighting took place when he completely denied any responsibility and didn't have enough honesty and integrity to refer me to someone else.

Long story short, I ended up close to where you are right now and where many people find themselves, as I see from many threads here. The contexts of those terminations may be somewhat different, but the sense of powerlessness, devastation, vulnerability, hopelessness, unfairness, I think, is something many people have experienced in a more or less the same way.

That termination brought me to a state of a major clinical depression when I couldn't get out of bed for the most part of the day. I would force myself to get up, put one foot in front of the other and do what I still had to: to pick up my son from school, feed him lunch, do house chores, make dinner..and, as soon as some basic stuff was done, I'd drop on the bed and lay flat there..It was difficult sometimes to take a shower and to brush my teeth - a classic symptom of a severe depression.

What helped me survive it was my decision to treat my state of mind as an illness that just needed all the time and the space it needed to heal. I looked at it pretty much the same way as I'd look at a flu or any acute episode of some illness that is here temporarily and that will go away when it is allowed to run its course. When I say "illness" I don't mean to say that I was experiencing something pathological or that something was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me. My experience was a normal traumatic reaction to the harmful methods that the therapist used with me. But since it was traumatic, it did make me feel ill, weak and vulnerable similarly to how a physical illness makes us feel.

So, I focused on making my life as gentle and comfortable as I could at that time. I paid much attention to grounding myself with self-care practices like eating nutritious foods, getting outdoors at least 15 - 20 min a day. I allowed all the feelings to come out when they wanted to, I cried as much as I needed to cry. But, at the same time, I also would make sure that I do something emotionally uplifting like watching a good movie every now and then, going to some local event and stuff like that. Because it's very easy to isolate yourself from the world and to get sucked into a dark place so much that you would't want to come out. I have a propensity to push people away when I am in a dark place and to isolate myself from the world. While I don't judge that, I know that I constantly need to force myself to stay engaged with life even on the small scale when I feel crappy, otherwise, I can easily turn into something I don't want to turn into..

Anyway, take all this for what it's worth and decide for yourself if you want to use my strategy. It worked for me.

Oh, yes, I am sorry, I didn't respond to the point of caring vs not caring..I didn't because being where you are right now, I don't think it matters whether your T cared about you or not. What matters now is that, as a result of her actions, you are where you are - heartbroken, powerless, vulnerable, helpless and hopeless..

I always hated it when those who hurt me assured me of their "good intentions"..but never took responsibility for their actions. It's the actions that count, not intentions and not feelings. I will consider feelings and intentions of those who harmed me only AFTER they take responsibility for their harmful actions and only AFTER they apologize. They have to listen to me first and they have to acknowledge what they did and how it affected me before I am able to listen to them. If I am the one who got hurt, my feelings and my needs have a priority over those who hurt me.

You will never know how your T really felt about you because, from what you've told so far, she is clearly not inclined to have a candid conversation with you and to explain anything beyond the superficial "i don't know why i did this". This is something you'd have to accept. Trying to speculate about it and listening to other people speculating about it would just continue to keep you stuck. You know what you know and what you know is that she did harm you. Whether it was an honest mistake or something else doesn't change the fact that her actions were harmful and that she is responsible for what she did. And that is something that you know for a fact and something you need to deal with.

[Anne2.0]

Sometimes I think that the way I interpret other people's actions and words-- and this applies only to the negative-- is as sure a form of self harm as any action that physically harms my body. I can perceive negativity directed towards me, including that someone has rejected me or doesn't care about me or thinks badly about me, and I focus on it until its painfulness erupts, and then I'll refuse to put it away. Even small slights or tiny negativity that I know isn't directed at me or that I know is about someone else, I can use these things to make it something negative about me.

It's not all that easy for me to stop feeling the negativity, and letting it roost inside me. At times I ask myself, where is the evidence that what I believe about this other person is actually true?

I don't see any evidence that your former T doesn't care about you other than the fact that your sessions were terminated by the administrative types over her wishes. But what can you point to say that this means she doesn't care?

Maybe there are times when we get something positive out of feeling negative, it confirms a belief that the world is a terrible place full of awful people, that things can never get any better. Maybe some wallowing in this is useful, I have felt that way more than a time or two. And empathy from others about the negative circumstances can be reinforcing of the negativity.

But if there isn't a good reason to continue on with the negative interpretations of other people's rejections, it just starts to feel like an emotional form of self harm. It's one thing to recycle the harms that are objective, like termination itself, as it may take as many cycles as it takes to deal with all the negative consequences of that. But interpreting extra negativity on top of it, like your former T doesn't care, seems like gasoline on the fire. You're not even speaking to her to be able to get a glimpse into her head or perspective, and even if you were, it would be kind of unprofessional for her to talk about how badly she feels about this. Keep your stuff out of the room, as the T code goes.

I'm not trying to say that you should not post about your feelings here or that you are wrong to think this way. I guess my point is to encourage you to consider whether your own interpretations might be overblown, without evidence, or otherwise being used against your own self.

I very much agree with both Ididitmyway and Anne - great posts.

Sarah, I don't remember ever reading in your posts but have you ever tried medications for your depression? They don't always work, and may not work at all for everyone, and it may take a while to find the right meds, but chronic, severe depression is very much a medical condition like any other. Changing how the brain functions chemically is sometimes just the kick we need in order to be able to even start thinking/acting differently. Snap out of the pit. Chemical imbalances are hard to wish or talk away even with the most wonderful therapy - it is almost the equivalent of wishing something like a heart condition away. But it often improves greatly with the right treatment and lifestyle changes. In my experience, good self care helps way more than any amount of therapy or other talking about feelings. It takes forcing of course when there is no or very little baseline motivation to start with and the mind automatically focuses on threats and negative interpretations. Other things, I think, can be helpful is making connections with people who think positively and are inspiring, not just commiserating. But all these were expressed beautifully in the posts above.

There can be a very big difference between processing painful feelings in balanced ways and focusing on suffering on and on and on. I also think that you have no evidence at all that the T did not care. Why would she have offered the phone sessions if she hadn't cared, for example? She made a professional mistake that could not be resolved well, given the complex circumstances. It's not the same. Yes, she could have taken responsibility much more directly but, I think, the way she acted is very very common when people make mistakes. Yes, she is a T, so she should in principle know better. But, in general, I really don't think they usually know much better. You could have the choice to know better, for yourself, not to remain stuck forever. There are so many methods of self help that truly help, but it always takes effort to make the baby steps first.

[here today]

Sarah, do you have any support besides the psychiatric nurse and this forum? You mentioned some chats that you participate in, too?

That’s been the key for me in making my way through what may be a similar experience. Not that I’m all the way “through” by a long shot, but things are somewhat better.

As I’ve said before on this forum, about 6 months after my last therapist terminated therapy, the feeling somehow, finally, arose in me that the way I felt rejected by her was similar to how I had felt rejected by some of my female relatives when I was a relatively young child – 4 or 5, maybe. Maybe earlier, too, I don’t know. And that feeling had been cut off or “repressed” or whatever you want to call it since then.

The recollection of that feeling, in the context of other feelings I had about my relatives back then, was physically devastating to me – I stayed in the bed, depressed, for several days and the whole month after that was kind of a blur. Even 2 or 3 months later was fuzzy. None of my depressions in adulthood had been like that. And I guess it’s easy to see why – I could not function in that state.

It has been the acceptance of others, into a world where maybe I can “be”, which has helped bring me out of that. Again, even after 2 years, I am still not “there”. But things are better. Usually. Sometimes.

In addition to my “issues” I believe I have what may be an unusual temperament. Some people “get” me, some (perhaps many) don’t. Many in my family didn’t, I think, and it seems as if there just wasn’t enough love or something to overcome that and accept me anyway. Super, super, super sad. The grief is still present, but “feelable” now. Whereas before, it had kind of lain at the bottom of things for a long, long time.

It couldn’t “come out”, though, except for when I (kind of, somehow?) felt safe enough in PC that I knew I had somewhere I could “be”, not just all by myself. Although I was all alone in my home as I processed that feeling. Still, I could come here and “vent” and not be rejected, even if not totally accepted all the time.

I have come to believe that current psychotherapy does not know how to deal with “issues” like mine. But I do think that perhaps we can support each other, until each of us can “get on our feet” as an independent person. And we can still support each other, then, too – why not?

Unfortunately, again, I don’t think therapists currently know a lot about this – and I’ve seen some presumably well-qualified ones – so whatever it is that is needed to get “better” or “well” is not known, either.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, was my motto during the darkest of times and sometimes, when darkness comes again, it still is. But usually, when darkness comes now, it doesn’t last quite so long.

[here today]

I'd also like to add that whether or not the experience of being terminated is "traumatizing" or "re-traumatizing" the experience when it comes to an "unhealed" place is the same. My last T tried to say my experience with her was because of my family, and hence not really real, or really so bad, but she absolutely didn't get it. It was horrible, and with her. Even though I hadn't yet "felt" the feelings from my family, it still doesn't matter, because the therapist was yanking away the possibility of a "healing" social environment, in the same way that my family had. Hence I remained "unhealed", and with the wounds now "activated", debilitating me and my ability to function.

If there was a traumatic wound in me that had been covered over and compartmentalized, rather than healed, and the therapist was the stimulus for it being activated, then it was still the wounded whatever. And the therapist abandoned it. Maybe the therapist didn't "intend" to (re)traumatize me -- but, in my case, I strongly believe than neither did the original family members.

Calling it "decompensation", as some therapists might to try take the responsibility away from themselves, doesn't hold water, either. Because the therapist LEFT ME in the decompensated state, not able to function well. Couldn't do anything to help it, didn't warn me. How could I have know that could be a possibility? Or what I could do if it happened?

The trauma was there. I was in therapy for trauma and dissociation and so was willing to face "stuff" in my past -- if we (the therapist and I) could get to it.

I was NOT, however, prepared to be traumatized in the way I had been traumatized in the past, and then socially dumped and abandoned, repeating the original trauma.

The therapists are NOT off the hook, in my book. They don't know what they are doing, maybe -- neither did my family members.

But THEY are "professionals", though. With licenses in most jurisdictions.

It's a horrible situation, repetitiously horrible. I'm so sorry for all of us. Myself included. Though being sorry is not enough, of course. Still not sure what next to do, though.

[Ididitmyway]

Sarah, I also know that at times like that, it's a good idea to get a general medical check up to make sure that things are okay on the physical level. Low functioning thyroid, for example, can contribute a lot into how we feel emotionally along with other things like hormonal imbalances, adrenal fatigue, lack of essential nutrients, anemia etc. It also works the other way around, by the way - a prolonged depression can cause physical imbalances..So, one way or another, it's a good idea to find out if there are any medical issues.

I will not express my opinion about psychiatric drugs for depression and such. I do have an opinion, but I always leave it up to the person to decide if that's something they may benefit from. The only thing I would suggest is to get yourself well informed about that, to do your independent research and to read all the pro- and against- arguments before you make your decision. Keep in mind that most anti-depressants take 4-6 weeks to kick off and then, if you decide to stop taking them, you won't be able to do that at once (to go "cold turkey"). You would have to taper yourself off them very slowly over a long period of time. Also, I'd recommend doing a general physical exam first and, if it shows any medical issues, to take care of them first, to implement some life style changes instead of going straight to the psych drugs. Some basic self-care practices and medical treatment (if needed) may be enough to make you feel better.

I didn't take anti-depressants even at the darkest times of my life, but I recognize that everyone is different and what worked for me may not work for someone else and that for some people psych drugs might be needed. In any case though I do believe that one has to do some serious research before they take any drug that directly affects brain functioning in quite dramatic ways, which anti-depressants do.

[Rive.]

The fact that she kept seeing you much longer than she was allowed to, indicates that she cared too much for you... unhealthily so.

i can't imagine she didn't know that she would be found out sooner or later and that she would be in trouble. Yet, she kept seeing you.

That doesn't sound like someone who didn't care.

I can’t speak for your therapist Sarah but will wager a guess that she did in fact care about you. (I’ll refrain from making keyboard judgments about her overall competency and skill around your termination).

The sad fact is that our feelings are often disproportional... ie we feel much stronger about our therapists than they feel about us. Most of this is because therapists take on a distorted value to us because of their work and role.

I’m not a huge medicine fan, but I think they can help when traumatic things happen in our lives. Ididitmyway was right on the mark. Again not going to impose my own views, but would consider what happened to you to be a major life trauma and to treat it as such.

What helped me through a similar situation was learning to take better care of myself. It’s not the same as the care another person can give you, but it helps. That means spending more time relaxing on the couch, cozy pajamas, takeout, treating myself to a few spontaneous purchases, and so on. To be completely transparent, I consider myself to be about 80% recovered. I wake up in the morning in a panic most days (I too found termination to be traumatic), but am able to get out of it much faster. The old adage every day gets a little easier is really true with big losses.

Wishing you healing and closure soon!

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by here today

The therapists are NOT off the hook, in my book. They don't know what they are doing, maybe -- neither did my family members.

That's the major problem for me. It's not as much the fact that they don't know what they are doing, but that they deny their lack of knowledge.

If the profession, as a whole, was honest about how much they still don't know (which is like 95% of what they claim they can "treat"), if they said "we are sorry, but, scientifically speaking, we are still in our infancy, we are still trying to establish lots of facts about how the human mind operates let alone the methods of dealing with many psychological issues..so, yeah, we are still experimenting", I'd be fine with that. There is no shame in ignorance when a lot of factual information is really not available yet. But there is a shame in claiming "expertise" and knowledge where there is none.

Originally Posted by here today

It's a horrible situation, repetitiously horrible. I'm so sorry for all of us. Myself included. Though being sorry is not enough, of course. Still not sure what next to do, though.

I guess, a good place to start is to stop allowing anyone to invalidate our experiences. At this point, I am not willing to engage with anyone who is unable to show empathy and to hold the space for my pain even when they see my situation somewhat differently. I am fine with someone seeing it differently, but I am not willing to consider their perspective unless I can see that they HEAR me and FEEL my pain and have compassion for it. I don't give anyone the right to give me their input. Only those who can listen to me with their heart fully open earn that right. This, I believe, is the first step forward. No more "discussions" where I feel like I have to justify my feelings and to explain them "rationally". When someone doesn't get it, they are not going to get it no matter what I say and I am not willing to waste my time on them. That's the first step forward for me.

[Ididitmyway]

Sorry, Sarah, I sidetracked a little from your topic..The truth is that yours is just one of many stories of harm done by well intentioned but ignorant therapists, so it's difficult not to switch to a broader subject of how therapy operates in general.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry you are hurting Sarah. (((hugs))) It's just hard. Kit.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for support. That´s an interesting viewpoint. I thought she kind of now "shuts off" to protect herself, also knowing that she perhaps came too close or cared "too much". I hope she feels some kind of bad conscience but I´m not sure.

Originally Posted by Salmon77

What you're going through is very difficult, and you're right that it is not fair, and this should not have happened.

It may be true that the therapist is not affected by this as strongly as you are and is not hurting as much as you. At the same time, it sounds like she messed up this situation in part because she did care about you, and it seems likely to me she still does care, even if she cannot help you now.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your support. Yes, I think getting understanding from others on a certain situation is the most important thing.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I agree I’m sorry you’ve also been through this (((((((( hugs )))))))))

And I’m glad you’re receiving good support here.

I actually posted earlier today about the fakeness.. but deleted it.........

I’m also happy you are not receiving “tough love” which is spectacularly unhelpful.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for thoughts on this. Yes, in the beginning I absolutely believe she cared but at the same time it´s a strange way to care when you know your choices will probably lead to a situation one can´t solve. I now talk about her knowing about the session limit and still she exceeded the limit week after week.


I know she said to me she was worried how I would react to her needing to end therapy but such a worry hadn´t evolved if she never had promised me I could see her for as long as I needed to.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think your T does (and did) care, but she's stuck right now by the rules of her organization. She's likely bothered by what happened, too. At the same time, this was not your fault--it was hers. It was on her to follow the rules of the organization and enforce the boundaries. And she didn't do that, which ultimately hurt you. I suspect she did it because she cared and it was her, maybe misguided, attempt to help you. Hugs...

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. It´s touching to read that she cared too much, I mean seriously, not in a negative way. What´s hard to understand is the connection between her telling me early on that I could see her for as long as I needed when knowing that wasn´t so and her caring about me.


That she knew about the session limit from the very beginning but kept talking and acting like we could continue is very hard to understand. To me she in a way lied or at least she wasn´t honest about the situation.

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I am not convinced. I think the fact that she couldn't terminate with you when she knew she should have done, and only eventually terminated because her hand was forced points more to the fact that she did care about you rather than she didn't. She didn't want to have to terminate you. She knew you needed the support and she cared too much to end the sessions when she should have. The abruptness of the termination is because she wasn't given a choice about it.
Yeah she did the wrong thing and should have terminated your sessions earlier and not lead you to believe you could carry on. But none of that was because she didn't care. That's your own stuff kicking in there.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. I´m also sorry you have gone through all this similar pain as I´m now in.

It´s valuable to read your story about how you also ended up in depression and how you struggled to just go through the day. It´s horrible such an outcome is even possible when one seeks mental health care but that´s another discussion.

As you describe I think it´s important to let oneself feel what you feel and do small things that at least for the moment eases the pain. To get over the pain is another thing that takes a lot of time.

To me it feels like my therapist now don´t care and it´s important to get thoughts on that even if I know it won´t change anything. But it´s important to understand and to put the pieces together.

My therapist said she was sorry and I heard on her voice she meant it. At the same time it´s difficult to accept such an excuse as being sorry for something she did week after week, exceeding the well-known session limit, is not just a mistake. As others have pointed out, perhaps she cared “too much”.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I really feel your pain. Been there, done that.

I had my own crushing experience a long time ago. I had an enormously traumatic termination of my first therapy, which came not long after some other tragic experiences like a sudden death of my sister and a heart wrenching rupture with my parents and a loss of friends. It's a very long story, so I won't get into this right now. One thing I can tell is that I was going through some pretty tough ****, which was why I sought therapy. It was helpful for about 6 months. Then, the intense transference came and everything turned into "working on the relationship" with the therapist while my own life was in tatters and I desperately needed someone to help me manage a lot of ****. This "relationship work" naturally lead to a pathological dependency on the therapist, which is something he, not surprisingly, wasn't able to handle. The usual gaslighting took place when he completely denied any responsibility and didn't have enough honesty and integrity to refer me to someone else.

Long story short, I ended up close to where you are right now and where many people find themselves, as I see from many threads here. The contexts of those terminations may be somewhat different, but the sense of powerlessness, devastation, vulnerability, hopelessness, unfairness, I think, is something many people have experienced in a more or less the same way.

That termination brought me to a state of a major clinical depression when I couldn't get out of bed for the most part of the day. I would force myself to get up, put one foot in front of the other and do what I still had to: to pick up my son from school, feed him lunch, do house chores, make dinner..and, as soon as some basic stuff was done, I'd drop on the bed and lay flat there..It was difficult sometimes to take a shower and to brush my teeth - a classic symptom of a severe depression.

What helped me survive it was my decision to treat my state of mind as an illness that just needed all the time and the space it needed to heal. I looked at it pretty much the same way as I'd look at a flu or any acute episode of some illness that is here temporarily and that will go away when it is allowed to run its course. When I say "illness" I don't mean to say that I was experiencing something pathological or that something was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me. My experience was a normal traumatic reaction to the harmful methods that the therapist used with me. But since it was traumatic, it did make me feel ill, weak and vulnerable similarly to how a physical illness makes us feel.

So, I focused on making my life as gentle and comfortable as I could at that time. I paid much attention to grounding myself with self-care practices like eating nutritious foods, getting outdoors at least 15 - 20 min a day. I allowed all the feelings to come out when they wanted to, I cried as much as I needed to cry. But, at the same time, I also would make sure that I do something emotionally uplifting like watching a good movie every now and then, going to some local event and stuff like that. Because it's very easy to isolate yourself from the world and to get sucked into a dark place so much that you would't want to come out. I have a propensity to push people away when I am in a dark place and to isolate myself from the world. While I don't judge that, I know that I constantly need to force myself to stay engaged with life even on the small scale when I feel crappy, otherwise, I can easily turn into something I don't want to turn into..

Anyway, take all this for what it's worth and decide for yourself if you want to use my strategy. It worked for me.

Oh, yes, I am sorry, I didn't respond to the point of caring vs not caring..I didn't because being where you are right now, I don't think it matters whether your T cared about you or not. What matters now is that, as a result of her actions, you are where you are - heartbroken, powerless, vulnerable, helpless and hopeless..

I always hated it when those who hurt me assured me of their "good intentions"..but never took responsibility for their actions. It's the actions that count, not intentions and not feelings. I will consider feelings and intentions of those who harmed me only AFTER they take responsibility for their harmful actions and only AFTER they apologize. They have to listen to me first and they have to acknowledge what they did and how it affected me before I am able to listen to them. If I am the one who got hurt, my feelings and my needs have a priority over those who hurt me.

You will never know how your T really felt about you because, from what you've told so far, she is clearly not inclined to have a candid conversation with you and to explain anything beyond the superficial "i don't know why i did this". This is something you'd have to accept. Trying to speculate about it and listening to other people speculating about it would just continue to keep you stuck. You know what you know and what you know is that she did harm you. Whether it was an honest mistake or something else doesn't change the fact that her actions were harmful and that she is responsible for what she did. And that is something that you know for a fact and something you need to deal with.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I agree it´s easy to interpret a situation like this into all being negative and feeling very hurt. I also have the good memories in mind when I think about my therapist some days but the pain isn´t compensated by that.

I think what I mostly think of when I say she doesn´t care is that she more or less lied to me almost from the beginning when she told me I could see her for as long as I needed. She did that although she knew about the session limit. I see it as a way of wanting me to feel safe and in her I see a wish to protect and to care. Early on she told me about her wish to become a mother and she wasn´t able to and I think it was when she realised that she started her education to become a therapist.

But that´s not professional in any way and by that I don´t see that as her caring about me. Also, now when she doesn´t see me anymore she can move on with her life while I´m stuck.


As I don´t see her anymore I would really appreciate if she was honest in this and, when we spoke on the phone two times after the abrupt ending, had told me how she feels about this. To me it had been valuable if she had admitted that she also felt bad about this. I don´t mean she should elaborate but just admitting how she feels.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Sometimes I think that the way I interpret other people's actions and words-- and this applies only to the negative-- is as sure a form of self harm as any action that physically harms my body. I can perceive negativity directed towards me, including that someone has rejected me or doesn't care about me or thinks badly about me, and I focus on it until its painfulness erupts, and then I'll refuse to put it away. Even small slights or tiny negativity that I know isn't directed at me or that I know is about someone else, I can use these things to make it something negative about me.

It's not all that easy for me to stop feeling the negativity, and letting it roost inside me. At times I ask myself, where is the evidence that what I believe about this other person is actually true?

I don't see any evidence that your former T doesn't care about you other than the fact that your sessions were terminated by the administrative types over her wishes. But what can you point to say that this means she doesn't care?

Maybe there are times when we get something positive out of feeling negative, it confirms a belief that the world is a terrible place full of awful people, that things can never get any better. Maybe some wallowing in this is useful, I have felt that way more than a time or two. And empathy from others about the negative circumstances can be reinforcing of the negativity.

But if there isn't a good reason to continue on with the negative interpretations of other people's rejections, it just starts to feel like an emotional form of self harm. It's one thing to recycle the harms that are objective, like termination itself, as it may take as many cycles as it takes to deal with all the negative consequences of that. But interpreting extra negativity on top of it, like your former T doesn't care, seems like gasoline on the fire. You're not even speaking to her to be able to get a glimpse into her head or perspective, and even if you were, it would be kind of unprofessional for her to talk about how badly she feels about this. Keep your stuff out of the room, as the T code goes.

I'm not trying to say that you should not post about your feelings here or that you are wrong to think this way. I guess my point is to encourage you to consider whether your own interpretations might be overblown, without evidence, or otherwise being used against your own self.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, I agree I have no proper evidence she doesn´t care but offering those phone calls could also be a way for her to ease her bad conscience, if she has one. Or she knows, even if she doesn´t admit to it, that a termination period is standard as an end to a proper therapy and she feels the phone calls could partly make up for that. To me, mostly they don´t.


Did you have anything special in mind when you wrote that many people who make mistakes act this way?

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I very much agree with both Ididitmyway and Anne - great posts.

Sarah, I don't remember ever reading in your posts but have you ever tried medications for your depression? They don't always work, and may not work at all for everyone, and it may take a while to find the right meds, but chronic, severe depression is very much a medical condition like any other. Changing how the brain functions chemically is sometimes just the kick we need in order to be able to even start thinking/acting differently. Snap out of the pit. Chemical imbalances are hard to wish or talk away even with the most wonderful therapy - it is almost the equivalent of wishing something like a heart condition away. But it often improves greatly with the right treatment and lifestyle changes. In my experience, good self care helps way more than any amount of therapy or other talking about feelings. It takes forcing of course when there is no or very little baseline motivation to start with and the mind automatically focuses on threats and negative interpretations. Other things, I think, can be helpful is making connections with people who think positively and are inspiring, not just commiserating. But all these were expressed beautifully in the posts above.

There can be a very big difference between processing painful feelings in balanced ways and focusing on suffering on and on and on. I also think that you have no evidence at all that the T did not care. Why would she have offered the phone sessions if she hadn't cared, for example? She made a professional mistake that could not be resolved well, given the complex circumstances. It's not the same. Yes, she could have taken responsibility much more directly but, I think, the way she acted is very very common when people make mistakes. Yes, she is a T, so she should in principle know better. But, in general, I really don't think they usually know much better. You could have the choice to know better, for yourself, not to remain stuck forever. There are so many methods of self help that truly help, but it always takes effort to make the baby steps first.