Two years of no contact

My mom knew nothing about my t or my sessions

Thanks to those of you offering support or actual answers to my questions rather than judgement. It's hard enough with this loss and transition being so fresh. I don't need to deal with judgment on here. Please think before posting further

It's not anyone's business what went on with us or what could in the future, but ours

I just was feeling down and confused when I made this thread. Looking for support and answers

I'm really struggling with the big changes in my life and regret. This isn't easy but as with everything life throws at me, I'll get through it. It's fine if people still want to comment here but lets save the judgemental comments for something else. Thanks

I'm unsure of what would be helpful to you at this point, as opposed to sure of what won't be helpful. Have you figured out what kind of contact he's willing to do (e.g. posting on your pup's facebook page, which I imagine you could get real creative with) or what you can expect back from him?

It seems to me that a big piece of this is about the loss of the relationship as it has existed and dealing with the grief related to that. It sounds like you're using strategies to cope with that and I'm curious whether others' ideas about that would be useful to you.

I stupidly never asked because he said no contact. I know I could speak if I ran into him. I'm regretting not asking specifically because maybe I could have sent a holiday card next year to his new job. I know he says he will keep linked in updated so I can know where he's at. He said if he ever did get back to therapy I could come say hi if I didn't want therapy. He said that had he still been working there I could send emails or letters but he would not respond

Sadly i didn't prepare my last session very well and now am dealing with lots of regret. Yes the loss and change is hard. My support is limited as most people dont even know I was in therapy

I guess I interpreted his willingness to read your FB posts as "contact." But you didn't have a lot of time to prepare for your last session and I imagine that makes it harder to get what you wanted from it.

Loss and change are the hardest things to cope with. Wishing you well.

I think, DP, a lot of ...well, I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of my frustration comes from the fact that your posts almost always play out the same way:

You post asking for advice/insight about inching towards or achieving a non-therapeutic relationship in some context with your therapist. But, what you really seem to want is support in heading towards that goal: validation that it's an OK thing or is healthy/safe/going to work out.

You flatly reject any advice/insight that does not feed into your desire for this relationship, always provide some sort of reasoning as to why you believe that you are right and we are wrong/you are an exception to the rule, and brush off all of us who have screamed "red flag red flag! you're in danger!" often, in the process, minimizing our own experiences that have provided us with this knowledge to raise a red flag and say "something isn't right here; you are in danger."

It is incredibly frustrating to see someone in danger of getting hurt the same way I have been hurt and to not be able to prevent them from getting the same kind of hurt I have been. I don't JUDGE you, because I totally understand it - neither hell nor high water could've kept me from S back in the day, and it's taken a year and a half of separation for me to be able to finally listen to others telling me "you are in danger."

So, I get it...and I truly do not judge you. I worry for you, fear for you, and hurt for you...and it can come out in ways that make you feel judged -- but my judgement is at your therapist, not at you. That said, I'm honestly relieved your therapist is saying "no contact," and I hope he sticks to it. Because even though this hurts, and I am incredibly sorry that it does, I think you could and likely would end up far more hurt if he was maintaining contact/attempting an immediate friendship.

I was trying to understand the rules in a place of feeling down. I get tired of people judging and focusing on if he was right or wrong. That's not what I want feedback on.

It's fine you worry but again two years is a long time. None of us know what may or may not happen then. I'm well aware there's a chance of nothing.

I think people are also forgetting in general this Time of year is hell for me cuz of my dog and now I got this loss as well. Am I supposed to be thrilled?

I feel like I'm losing my dog all over again. I don't have much real life support as I said most people dont know I did therapy.

I feel it's ok to ask for support or real answers to my questions and ask for the judgement comments to end. Sorry if it's out of line to want that

The bottom line is no one here knows me. You don't know how I feel or handle stuff in life etc. I don't mind people having concern but I don't need it. I will do what I feel is right for me in 2 yrs. That's the bottom line

There is no "supposed to." All of your feelings are entirely valid - feel them all. Heck, I cried non-stop for endless months - of COURSE this is s****y for you! That's the point of my anger at your T. If it wasn't so f-ing awful for you, there'd be no reason for me to be angry at him.

And, I am angry at him. For crossing so many boundaries, for leading you into believing he was going to be a friend, for f-ing with your brain, for leaving with little notice and doing an awful job at getting you through it.

I'm not judging you; I judge him, and I hurt for you, and you are taking it on as judgement of you. Which I also understand. Which just doubles up my anger.

Insightful post.

thankyou twomanycats for expressing so thoughtfully-you have spoken for me as well

im writing a little about my own situation not to derail the OP thread but in support of their feelings- not the pursuit of a post therapy relationship or the idea that OP's situation is so different from many others on this forum

the only thing keeping me away from my ex psychotherapist is something i saw/felt in him when i agreed to a meeting in august 3 months after i had finally ended contact (id been trying unsuccessfully for 9 months)

he was overtly happy to see me-we chatted and laughed like old freinds had coffee and oatcakes he told me plenty personal stuff as usual and then he became cold and distant and silent -first experience but undeniably "blank slate"i and i knew if i took what was on offer i was going under the bus if not that day/month/year .... the man was in tears

This is ongoing-

my soul is broken
i dont blame him for his emotions- hes a flawed human being as are we all
what i do blame him for (and this is maybe keeping me "safe")is hiding behind his training when the going got tough -maybe he can work through this in his own therapy i obviously have no idea

it is admittedly very alluring to feel this sense of specialness. that a therapist would go 'out of bounds ' for me. not gonna lie that was a huge part of my story!

I have always thought (but have no evidence of this) that the two year "rule" or "best practice" really had more to do with sexual relationships rather than friendships or just keeping in touch. I really don't understand why someone can't or shouldn't update their former T if the former T is okay with it. So I don't really understand the "best practice" on that. That being said, my former T who I terminated with in Sept. said I could email her sometimes to update her and I have a few times. She takes a lot longer to respond than when I was in therapy with her (then again on the other hand we had to stop because she got MS and I don't know how her disease has progressed since I last saw her) but knowing that she is there and reading what I write her, when I choose to and eventually she responds with something short but encouraging has been helpful in the grieving the end of our relationship. I'm not as sad, but I'm still sad. I'm not still crying, but I did a lot of crying. I don't know if I'm answering the original OP question, just sort of morphed into what I experienced. However I saw this T for 10 years. Other T's I've seen, I didn't have further contact with after termination. And I was okay with that. Kit

and your ex T will do either what he feels is right for him in two years or ( perhaps if he is a good T) what is right for you. I have no idea what that is or looks like , but your options are largely defined by his permissions and what really lies in his heart. You don't have any more power in the situation 2 years from now than the one now.

I'm not going to comment anymore bc I doubt it is welcome, but I do wish you well as a fellow dog-adorer. I am getting too caught up in the idea of any guy/ human having this much power, that he maybe got by unfair means.

If contact is strictly letters or emails after a set period of time has passed, I think it would be harmless most likely, but it would depend on the individual client and therapist.

I know I'd like that with my current therapist and psychiatrist. Letters mostly. Mainly because I love fountain pens and stationary. But also because it comes across as more meaningful and you can tell more about a person by how they write.

Anyway, I've also thought about trying to track down my first therapist from college, just to send her a letter, especially around the holidays. I don't know if it'd be weird, but I also know I don't expect a reply and I'm mostly doing it for myself, to express gratitude and share with her how much she helped me and how much she meant.

Then, on the other side of the coin, because I work at a psych hospital on an acute, locked inpatient unit (direct care, not RN, MSW, PhD, MD, etc.) I can see a little bit of the other side. We actually have a rule too. I'd have to try to look it up to know specifically, but I believe it's a lifetime sort of thing, unless we grew up with them or were friends with them before they came in for treatment. Which kinda makes sense because we're at a hospital and not an outpatient office, there's a greater likelihood that people will want or need to come back at some point down the road.

In any case, I always encourage patients when they're discharging to write letters or call to let us know how they're doing. And I mean it genuinely. Stuff like that is always nice. I want to know that people I've worked so closely with are doing well. I just don't give out any personal contact info. If I give out anything, it's my work email so it's more professional and can act as documentation in case anything were to happen.

Sorry that you are hurting DP. It must be so very tough at losing your T especially at this time of year. This area of keeping up a friendship with a T or reconnecting again after a certain time has past seems to bring up a lot of different emotions for people for various different reasons so it is understandable that there are mixed opinions on it. At the end of it all though it is clear that you are hurting badly right now at the loss of someone highly significant in your life and I wish you well in dealing with all this.

I do worry that his saying that he will allow contact in two years may actually just drag out your suffering as you hold on to this idea and thought of a reconnection or reunion. As you say, none of us knows how things will be in two years time. Maybe he will be there are happy to hear from you again who knows. You seem to worry a lot about him forgetting you and stress that you were his last client so he might remember you based on that. Based on your posts it seems that you had a close relationship within your therapy whether it was therapeutic or not. You have had an impact and it is clear that you have impacted him. I don't think he will just forget you and not because you were his 'last' client ever, Whether you reconnect in two years or not you are a part of his story...forever and nothing can change that.
There is a chance though that in two years time he may have moved on and no longer feel the same about staying in touch. It might not happen... but it could... I just hope you can move forward from this and try not to spend the next two years waiting and hoping. If he is still there and happy to reconnect...that will be great...but if not it will only be devastating for you all over again.

Yep i know. He's leaving the contact up to me and I leave it up to him. Same as i would anyone else i contacted first. He said he would reply as a common courtesy just to even say he's not interested. Only time will tell

Great post. Thanks

I will do my best not to be judgemental or rude. I'm not sure how to say this kindly, but I will do my best. It sounds like your therapist's preference was to cease all contact with you after your last session. The 8 years he started with was an arbitrary amount of time he chose because he figured that was long enough that it would give you no hope of resuming contact. However, it sounds like you did not accept this and went looking for information to basically undermine him and pressure him into changing his position. If he were a more ethical person with stronger boundaries, he would have stood firm. However, it seems he has a low tolerance for other people's discomfort or anger towards him. He may even fear that if he cuts you off completely, you will file a report since you will have nothing to lose.

None of that means he didn't like you or care about you. What you seem to be forgetting is that the difference between your situations is that you are very socially isolated and he is not. While he may have enjoyed your company, he has other people in his life that he can spend time with. From your posts, I gather that your best friend lives in another state and your other friends are online. So he was a major source of social interaction for you and his absence will create a void.

As for your conviction that this experience proves that you should never trust people, I'm not sure I agree. I think there are many reasons to distrust people, but this isn't one of them. This is someone you paid to spend time with you. Such a person can never be depended on to remain in your life.

I think what you need to learn is that different people can be trusted with different things, and very few people can earn complete trust - and money can't buy that. For example, you might trust a therapist with knowledge of your phobias and childhood stuff, but you would not "trust" them to always be there for you because that is not something any ethical therapist can guarantee. You might trust a family member to care for your child but you wouldn't trust them with knowledge of your traumas.

I guess my point is that therapists are like most other people in our lives and we can choose to trust them with certain things. However, it is unwise to give complete trust to a therapist, because you should only give complete trust when it is reciprocated in a mutual relationship.

Finally, I feel that your comment about not reporting because "it's not the kind of person you are" needs to be addressed. I don't intend to put words in your mouth, but that could be interpreted as casting people who do report their therapists in a negative light. I've never heard someone say "it's not the kind of person I am" when referring to something good, so I just feel like it's worth saying that there's nothing wrong with reporting unethical therapists, and doing so does not make the client a certain "kind of person" to stand in contrast to those who don't report.

Actually, I emailed because that was the SECOND time he gave a different answer and I had read many things online that conflicted, I wanted to know what the real answer was.... what a crime to actually try to get facts! He was not mad at all, he actually thanked me for reaching out to the proper license place. He admitted he wasn't completely sure what the rules were anymore, he was trying to "remember" what schooling had said. He looked into it himself and told me that email answer was accurate. He has massive anxiety/paranoia about getting in trouble, and always has, it's hugely why he panicked about would say whatever or get defensive when we discussed this. He also once changed boundaries on me and it lasted a week.

also I held on to that email for about 7.5 months. I never said a word about even sending it or what they said, I let it all go.... until the end. I apologized for doing it and he was fine with it... but again, assumptions....

Ummm, why does EVERY thing someone says on here have to be analyzed to the smallest degree? Good grief. I never said anything bad about people who do, if someone feels they want to report, go for it, if that,s what they need.

I am not that kind of person was meaning, I HATE drama and anything involving me having to get roped into some legal stuff. If I didn't, my mom would be in jail by now.... this thread gives me a headache. I regret posting it. I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over and constantly having to explain myself.

The bottom line is... I am NOT stupid... I am well aware that "nothing" could happen in the future... BUT I'm not also 100% hopeless, I know him, you guys don't.... and I believe he's a decent enough person to respond, if nothing else. We will see what time has in store. None of us know what tomorrow brings, let a lone two years. I have plenty of things planned in my life to keep my busy. I am not planning to sit around for two years and obsess over this. Thankfully I've got 3 friends who have been very supportive of me through this.... plus my dog. I'll be ok.

I have read this entire thread - and did so before commenting. Nothing you have said changes my perception of the situation, nor does anything you've said really even refute my theory, so you can't blame me if you are stuck on repeat. Why you expose yourself to the feedback of people online when you believe that feedback to be irrelevant because they don't know you irl is a mystery to me.

There is some great feedback in this thread, but I'm also seeing people state they know how this therapist felt or what he is thinking.

Nothing wrong with speculating, but at the same time, I'm not understanding how people here are so certain about this T's motivations.

I haven't noticed anyone doing that. I myself said "I think," "my perception," and "my theory." As for the people who were casting judgements about this person's ethics as a therapist, his motivations and thoughts are irrelevant to that.

Everyone has issues with cognitive dissonance. Some are just more aware of it than others

DP: how you doing today? hope this thread didn't scare you off

Thanks for checking in. I'm ok. Today was tough...my first session day without him. Also saw a movie and something triggered me to tears, so that sucked.

i'm sorry