[krazibean]

i'm going to do something i've thought about doing but never had the guts to. After T not answering that email after i specifically asked her to...i'm just done getting hurt. I'm going to skip tomorrow's session. i'm just not going to show up. that simple. then maybe she'll call me. and i'm not going to answer. i'm sick of this i-care-about-you-when-in-session-but-dont-give-a-f***-inbetween. i've never even been late for a session before. this will have to get her attention i'm not going.

[Flowerb]

I've done that. After three years of several times a week therapy, there came a point where I was so upset that I didn't go and I didn't call. It was very unlike me.

My therapist left several concerned messages on my cell and then at my office. I finally felt so bad for worrying him that I called in. I thought he'd be mad. Instead he said, "there must be a huge amount of hurt there but I can't help you if you won't let me. Can we at least talk about why you didn't come and what has upset you so much? I missed seeing you today."

It took awhile but we worked it out.
I also paid for the session I skipped. In the end, it would have been better to have gone and said, "I'm really angry." But not going definately got his attention and in some ways it was the first time I ever really had a tantrum in my whole life and wasn't a "good girl." I think he was secretly pleased at that.

[Perna]

I'd be more direct if I were you. You can't know why she didn't answer. If she's sick or her computer died you could end up feeling very bad or foolish? Not a good use of your anger. Rebelling is for kids and won't get the respect you want and deserve.

Go and start the sesson with a very blunt, "Why didn't you answer my e-mail like I asked you to?" And if you don't like the answer, you can give her heck or get up and leave? That would be lots more effective because you could see the response and be part of the whole thing.

Of course, starting out accusatory, like there's no good reason for someone not to do what you ask them to and like she's deliberately blowing you off could be embarrassing too if it turns out she has a good-enough reason?

[krazibean]

i skipped it. she called me after about 20 minutes. I didn't answer. She left a voicemail asking me to call her. I'm contemplating doing this. All i wanted was a phone call in the first place and i have to act out like this in order to get one, and she wants me to call her back? i feel like letting her know how it feels to want someone to call and they dont. or how it feels to wait on someone. i'm so hurt. and yet i feel guilty putting her through what i go through because it hurts and i care about her so much. what should i do, do i call, how long should i wait, and what should i say?

This happened to me krazibean. My T did not answer my emails or my phone call. So, I wrote him an email telling him how hurt I was. I told him how long I had spent writing him this email, putting in details, etc. I told him I felt like I painted a picture for him and he ripped it up and threw it away. I also hate being thought of only for 50 minutes a week. I did send him the email, but don't know if he read it. However, I am going to print it and bring it to session tomorrow and let him have it! He told me that session was a safe place to express anger and I'm going to take him up on it!! Good luck to you!

[Perna]

I don't know that she is going through what you go through. You have a whole scenario going on in your head that has no basis in "reality" because you have nothing to check it with. So far, you're mostly just putting yourself through more turmoil? She plainly wants to know why you didn't show up at a meeting that you agreed to show up at But I doubt she's speculating on the reasons, she will wait to hear from you your reasons (or call you back). You aren't hurting her in any way, only yourself.

[confused4ever]

((((((((((krazibean))))))))))

I am sorry you are hurting so much! I have done what you did, not with my regular T. But with my Trauma T, I went but she let me sit in the waiting room for 20 minutes, and when you don't want to be somewhere anyway, and the back door was right there, well it didn't take much arguing inside my head to use the door. I had never done anything like that before, 18months with T and I showed everytime. Well she is my T's co-worker, and she went right to him, he became very worried and started calling my cell and home and emailing me. I felt so guilty for doing what I did, I didn't want to worry or hurt either one of them, so I guess my situation was alittle different, but I was pissed that she made me wait so long. Felt like I was easy to forget............anyway, I had to call her, and apologize for leaving, we rescheduled and we talked about it, but it did put alittle bit of strain on the two of us for that session, and it really sent me regular T into a panic, he thought I had hurt myself. I didn't want to or intend to put either of them throuhg that.

So maybe you should call her, tell her what is going on, and hopefully the two of you can come to some kind of a understanding or she can explain what happened on her end. I hope this helps alittle, I am sure she is very worried about you if this is out of the normal for you.

why... you should talk about it. communicate how you feel with words instead of attempting to communicate indirectly by acting out where the other person has to try and guess what they are supposed to have done wrong.

i understand the temptation to act out
to try and induce my feeling in another
by doing what i took them to have done to me

but the idea is to talk about it, yeah.

to say 'when you promised to call me back and you didn't i felt really hurt'
to say 'i felt like not coming in today so you would see how it feels to expect someone to be there for you and then find out that they are not'

it can be hard.
i find it easier to communicate by way of emails...

[krazibean]

im crying so hard right now. i hate her i hate her i hate her. i called her. i can't even remember what happened. i'm trying to tell you but i'm so upset i cant even form sentences. she asked me what was going on. i dumbly asked what do you mean. she said you didn't show up today. i said i didnt feel like it. she said you didn't want to call me and tell me you didn't feel like coming? i said nope. she said i'm trying to make a point without using words. that this behavior needs to be looked at. she said shes not a mind reader and she doesnt know when i'm upset. she said,' i'm assuming your upset about the email you wrote.' GOOD GUESS. she asked if i thought my demands were too high so people couldnt meet them and thats why i got hurt. NO I DONT THINK ASKING YOU TO ANSWER MY EMAIL IS TOO HIGH OF A DEMAND, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TOLD ME IF I WANTED AN ANSWER TO ASK FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she said she printed the email out but didnt get to read it until today, and she figured she'd see me today so thats why she didnt respond. that explanation did nothing for me. i'm still so mad. because its not just this one time i'm talking about, this isnt the first time i've waited for her. her tone of voice was so not comforting. it was a matter of fact, "well, if you dont want to come see me then thats up to you but i'm here if you need me" type thing. like its all my stuff. she hung up after saying "well i'll talk to you soon. you have some stuff to think about." a;skdfhjwoieskdhfgsdofij THANKS A LOT! i slammed the phone down and just burst into tears yelling i hate you i hate you and i havent stopped. she didn't help me at all. i dont want to see her monday. i dont want to have to work everything out in 60 minutes or less. i dont want to leave there upset again. i dont want to be hurt. i dont want her to hate me. she hates me. she had to be annoyed. i'm sick of her only caring about me in session. i can't stop crying. the only person who can stop my tears is the one who made me cry. what the hell am i supposed to do. WHAT DO I DO. i hate her. i need her. yet i know wednesday will come and i will have nothing to say to her. ill sit there looking down like i always do and mumble s**t like "i dunno" i'm such a mess. i want to like call her back but i dont want to even think about her. do i seriously have to ASK for her to comfort me? do i have to call her back and be like, "UM excuse me i'm in tears right now our last phone call did me no good, lets try this again." HOW DO I DO THIS

[Perna]

{{{krazi}}} I'm so sorry you hurt!

Print out this whole post Wednesday morning (after it's totally done) and take it with her. It will help her understand more of what you can't explain to her yet?

I don't think she knew you expected her to answer the e-mail as an e-mail? If you hadn't had a session and she'd answered the e-mail that day, would that have been okay? I think sometimes what we want and hope for gets mixed up with what the other person knows/doesn't know or even what they are able to do. We can "ask" questions but that doesn't mean we'll always get an answer or that we'll like the answer we get; we can't control the answering of the question, only our own asking.

I hope your crying "helps" you like a good cry can. I sometimes make myself cry because I feel more relaxed and "washed out" afterwards, don't feel so confused and miserable.

[krazibean]

sorry guys. i totally freaked out. i've calmed down. i sent her another email. i see her wednesday. i still hurt so much but now i think i'll at least be able to get to then. thank you all so much for your kind words and support...i don't know where i would be without that.

[pachyderm]

I too wonder often if our therapists know, or care to know, how frightened we are, how much reason we have from our experiences to be frightened. I for one do not subscribe to the theory that "everytherapist is for the best in this best of all possible worlds." Sometimes what they present as "therapy" can be so fear-producing that I wonder if it is worth it. It does seem sometimes that the only way to get their attention is by drastic action. And does that work? Probably never.

[Mouse_]

(((Krizbean))) My heart was breaking for you as I read your post!!!

[lauren_helene]

Krazibean my heart breaks for you. I am where you are right now. I haven't skipped a session because I already know what turmoil that will cause me.

I recognize that it will affect me and not him in the same way. In fact, he would probably be tougher with me if I did that.

I don't think our T's will ever truly feel out of control the way we do. So scared and alone. We open our hearts to them both in and out of the session and often times they mishandle it I think.

But then I wonder if they keep on letting us have this contact how do we move on?

[Perna]

Being out of control is very unpleasant and painful. But it's necessary in order to learn how to stay in control. It's "us" that's out of control, not someone else or something alien in us. It's all part of a process, not a personal indictment of us when we're out of control.

Babies have to learn to sleep through the night, to regulate and soothe themselves to sleep (that's what all the crying is about at first). Learning anything takes time and effort on the part of the person who wants to learn it. That we weren't taught by our caretakers or environments to help ourselves stay in control and manage our feelings rationally when we were growing up just means we have to learn those lessons now.

It helps me to think "school" rather than "illness" or that I'm an idiot or another person is giving me a hard time, etc. The other person may or may not be out of control, may or may not be having a hard time but I can only deal with what I am feeling and experiencing and what I want for myself and my own actions.

When there is a problem, with a bill or something I've purchased breaks, etc., I get anxious because I get really really angry. I know I have to go talk to someone and get whatever the problem is corrected, but I get tangled up and afraid I'm not going to be understood. I don't listen well to what others tell me either so, even if they're trying to help, have an idea or suggestion or way to help solve the problem, I don't hear it. I'm so anxious worrying about my own behavior, fearing my own anger and that I'll kill someone :-) that I have trouble even figuring out how to start a conversation! Sometimes I just go for the jugular straight out and hope the other person can deal and that somehow, magically, the problem will get solved and I won't be anxious and angry anymore.

I still remember, in about 1978, my car had 2 or 3 major things that needed fixing. It took the dealer all day and my girlfriend, on the way to another appointment of her own, took me by the car place to pick mine up, only wanting to stay long enough to know I had gotten my car. I went and paid; something like $400, even more in those days than now, and went to get my car. It hadn't been touched. The light switch was still hanging down in the cabin, wires out like we'd left it; we opened the hood and there was no indication that anything had been replaced (probably tune up). I went into the service manager, opened my mouth and burst into angry tears. I couldn't talk at all. My girlfriend had to sort of try to tell the guy what the problem was (she didn't know the extent of what I was having done). Here I had the work papers saying what all they'd done, I had paid for it, and they literally had not touched the car all day. Needless to say, they needed another day to complete the work but the manager did put someone "right on it". It was the dealer I'd bought the car from so I never went there again and badmouthed them every time I could the rest of my life. For some reason, that dealer's no longer in business, no thanks to me though :-)

The point? (Yes, I have one I think) Thirty years ago I couldn't even speak, knew better than to try. Now I solve problems daily, sometimes poorly but, for the most part, with a "civil tongue in my head" (one of my brother's expressions from when we were in high school). I still get anxious a lot but not nearly as intensely as I use to. I can sometimes catch myself expecting someone else to mindread and correct the problem on the spot; you should see how I edit what I'm typing here at PC, replacing "it" with specific nouns ("the problem" :-) I'm always proud of myself when I do that, I know how far I've come.

Krazibean, I've learned a great deal from you and would like to thank you. You tried something new, it didn't work out as you expected, you lost your nerve, you calmed yourself down and regained yourself. I watched that whole cycle and can remember it for my own use. First, it's a cycle. It's like clouds and rain and evaporation making more clouds and more rain :-) It's a natural thing and that, to me, is comforting. You are not a "freak" who "freaks out". You are like me, like everyone else. The unexpected and unwanted makes you anxious. "Now what the heck am I supposed to do?" we ask. If we, in addition to being confronted by the unexpected and unwanted, have not had much experience yet in experiencing the unexpected and unwanted and recovering from it, that just compounds our experience :-) Of course one "freaks out"! If we didn't, there'd be something wrong with us!

How do you like that argument? Not bad, huh?

[lauren_helene]

Perna that was the best response I could have ever hoped for.

What great insights you have and I need to develop. I'm 38 so I guess it is time to grow up!

Thanks for the sharing of yourself. I could fill this site with similar stories but I like yours.

[sunrise]

Krazibean, I too have learned a lot from your sharing of your experience here. Something was wrong in your relationship with your T, and you tried something new to try to deal with it. It didn't end up being a good solution, but you tried it, and now you know that in the future, maybe choose another approach. You're experimenting and learning. Good for you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
yet i know wednesday will come and i will have nothing to say to her. ill sit there looking down like i always do and mumble s**t like "i dunno" i'm such a mess.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think this sort of behavior in session is why some T's don't like to have email exchanges with their clients, because it doesn't teach them to talk in session, it lets them "get out" their stuff in an email and relieves the tension that might help propel the client into actual face to face sharing. The therapist really wants the client to talk to him/her! Learning to talk to our T in session helps communication with other people in our lives.

Best of luck on Wednesday.

hugs for krazibean !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been there so many times in my mind.

[Shellbe]

i agree with Perna. Print out this whole thing and talk to her about what you are reacting to....probably more to do with her just not answering one email.

don't add her to your book of "let downs". talk it out. you probably didn't get to do that as a child. sometimes therapists hurt us unintentionally and even have no idea unless we point it out.

There'a alot of stuff inside of you that you are probably reacting to. Cry as much as you need. If you need to try to work it out sooner than Monday, call and ask for appt and tell her honestly why. Stay honest. We've been taught to hide hurt our whole lives, or to not feel it, or that we're too sensitive. Stand up, speak up, ask for what you need. You are paying for it. she is working for you.

don't sit aorund wondering. ASK.

[krazibean]

i just wanted to thank you all so much. Perna, mouse, sunrise, EVERYONE. You have all helped me through this. thank you so much for your words and support and advice. I'm glad i was able to teach something to you all. I've learned it too. I knew from the beginning even before Perna told me maybe i should be more direct, i knew that skipping was not the right way to handle it. But i had never tried it. I needed to do it. I needed to get the reaction i wanted. (i did get what i wanted, actually, she called me. And thats what i wanted in the first place right??) But even though she called, after i talked to her it wasn't the feeling i was going for. I felt foolish and childish like my mommy was disappointed in me. She didn't give me comfort.

Sunrise, you are right. I've had problems with emailing before because i get everything out and then i have nothing to say in session. Me and T already talked about that. and i did stop emailing for awhile but sometimes i can't help it. The difference with this situation i think is now they both will be printed out and i told her i want to go over EACH and EVERY sentence of both emails. These will not get by unnoticed. i hope. But thank you all again, i really appreciate your responses. I check my computer every day, (more than i should probably) and i check 2 things. One is if T emailed me, and two is if i got any responses on PC. I never have emails from T, so coming here to see people that took time to read and respond to my issues helps a lot. And i wrote that distressed post right after i got off the phone with T. It was my first instinct. I needed support and T is the first person i want it from, but since it had to do with her, coming here was my second choice.

Thank you all, again. ((((hugsss))))

[chaotic13]

((Krazibean))

[Gracey]

I guess what I'm not getting is why you're reacting this way. This woman is your therapist. . .a service provider. NOT YOUR FRIEND. And here you're reacting like you would if a good friend didn't "get you." This is why i disagree with T's who allow email. When they don't respond (b/c they feel they shouldn't, or b/c it's crossing boundaries) then they catch hell from clients.

The entire point of client-therapist relationship is to work out the CLIENT'S issues IN therapy. . .not on the phone, not via email. IN THERAPY.

Your therapist can't be your savior. Ever. Her job is to teach you to how to work out your problems and get to the point of doing so independently.

I don't know how old you are, but it seems from your writing that maybe you're a young lady. Can you talk to your parents about this? Maybe a high school guidance counselor? Someone who isn't involved, who might be able to look at it from a third person perspective?

I'm sorry to be harsh, but this is one of those things that if you don't work it out. . .if you walk away and go to a new therapist, you're just going to have the same problems again with unreachable expectations.

Gracey,
Okay, yes, our T's can not be our friends even though that may be what we want. However, if it is what we want, it is something that needs to be worked out between the T and the client in the manner and setting/s chosen by both.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This is why i disagree with T's who allow email. When they don't respond (b/c they feel they shouldn't, or b/c it's crossing boundaries) then they catch hell from clients.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My T allows email but doesn't respond. He didn't read mine last week and to be honest, I was really hurt. I asked him why he couldn't take 5 minutes out of his day to read something that was so important to me to share with him. What a wonderful thing to happen in session he said, where the client is hurt/disappointed by the T. This is already happening with the client IRL and now there is a here and now situation for the T to help guide the client through his/her thoughts/negative cognitions and so forth.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The entire point of client-therapist relationship is to ork out the CLIENT'S issues IN therapy. . .not on the phone, not via email. IN THERAPY.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Again, those issues are to be decided between the client and the T. There is no one steadfast rule. A lot of times in emails and phone calls the T can get information to work out in session that he might not have gotten otherwise.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Your therapist can't be your savior. Ever. Her job is to teach you to how to work out your problems and get to the point of doing so independently.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

True. However, many client idealize their T's at first and it takes awhile for the client to come to this conclusion and accept this conclusion.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
if you walk away and go to a new therapist, you're just going to have the same problems again with unreachable expectations.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It is important that the therapist realize when the clients have unreachable expectations. This is a great issue to work on in session! If the client has unreachable expectations with the T, then he/she may also be having the same problems irl that need to be addressed.

Gracey, you may be further along in your therapy sessions than most (congratulations on that).

What Krazibean is feeling is Totally normal and should be brought up in session so it can be worked through. This is a big part of therapy, having various feelings toward your T and then having the courage to go back and discuss them. That is when you will see change. And, Krazibean, I know you will! Keep us posted!

[krazibean]

Thank you soliaree i couldn't have said it better.

(((((((((((((((Krazibean)))))))))))))))))))))