Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

You'll ask me tomorrow what I want to do in therapy now, where I want to go/work on. I have no answer for you. I just envision myself talking with you.

It was so nice to see you after a couple week break! Also, lol to the snow pants.

Dear T,
Was doing a bit of the dancing thing tonight (hey, physical activity!), and one of the songs that came on was The National's "Nobody Else Will Be There." Which seemed like a good cool-down song. But the lines of "Good-byes always take us half an hour--why can't we just go home? Nobody else will be there." They just really hit me tonight. Because "home" in my head is like your office. And I'm bad at saying good-bye to you on Zoom (OK, I was bad at saying good-bye in person, too). And, well, when we're meeting in your office, nobody else is there, but over Zoom, generally at least H is home and D today, too. It just made me a bit sad.

At least when I was talking today about reasons to look toward March, when I said how at least maybe you and I could meet outside on occasion then, with it being warmer, you said that you could see resuming regular in person then, assuming this surge peaks and starts going down soon. So that's maybe something? I'm glad you seemed to understand how I need things to hold onto, how it can be better for me to have that for a couple months (whether a concert, meeting in person, etc.), even if it's eventually dashed, than to have not had it at all. The days or weeks or months of having it to me tend to hold more weight than the time when the hopes may be dashed.

I mean, isn't that how hope works in general? Anything one hopes for might not come to fruition. So is it better not to hope at all? Perhaps you believe that, but I don't. I feel like when all hope is lost, what is there?

Love,
LT

i just saw a facebook thingie asking the question if you had the chance to go back would you marry your spouse again? I can't answer that there because he might see it so I'ma answer it here. NO I would not. I would not marry anyone. I would stay single. And maybe this is a little part of why I felt so driven to end therapy with you. Because eventually we would have come back around to 'that' subject and... what if one of these times I actually did get strong enough to leave him? I don't necessarily want to start over as single at almost 60 years old. But......

eta: i'm probably only even thinking this way because i'm annoyed at the butthead right now.

I like that you are leading the way in our sessions. Instead of just saying "its your therapy what do you want to talk about?" Then we end up talking about nonsense for the whole 50 minutes. I like that you are taking control so that doesnt happen.

I really found it helpful to text you yesterday. I am so looking forward to talking to you next week.

Dear T:



Don't know if I should text you or what. It's not like I will be able to talk to you tonight anyway. I have stupid Aftercare. Maybe I will just wait until after that and see how I am feeling. I should text the crisis line but I don't have time for a lengthy conversation with them either before Aftercare. I wish I didn't have aftercare tonight because then I could take care of this stuff. But I do have aftercare and I need to go to it. Maybe it will help. I don't know. It is on sustaining recovery. But none of the Ted Talk videos we watch are really on recovery at all. ;(


I do not want to have to get on Zoom tonight and say that I am having safety concerns. I should just keep my mouth shut. I will have to answer yes or no and I hate to lie. But if I do give in, I'm not going to tell them because of that stupid contract they had me sign.


This sucks.


xoxoxo


Kit.

Dear New T,

I go back to my question again... What am I doing coming to see you? What is the point of it all?

I'm surprised you didn't venture to that on Tuesday. In a way I wish you had.

Eh. I was mad earlier. That is not the truth. If I went back in time and didn't marry H then I would not have my wonderful adult son. So - I would not change a thing.

I am missing you tonight. It's so weird. I think there must be different levels, varying degrees or something, of missing someone. This isn't the painful, empty, gnawing kind of missing someone. I've felt that before, after my grandma passed. It's more a, well, a quiet, calm-yet-insistent knowing that a little piece of me is missing... because I left it with you. I don't even know that I want it back. It's like I also have this knowing that I need the space it left behind for something else to grow but I don't yet understand what that is. If you could read this right now I know what you would say, you would roll your eyes and say something about how I am a romantic and stuff. We are so vastly different in that regard, you and I. I never saw that before but I can sure see it now. And I can't help but remember something you mentioned briefly during our last session. About "pausing", while in my mind and heart we were saying goodbye. But is this just a pause? Do you know me so well that you expect I will come back at some point? But, how could I, knowing what I know now, about how the you-I-knew, and much of the "relationship", was all just a figment of my overly-creative-and-romantic imagination? What would be the point? What honestly would be the point? Is there anything left once that realization occurs? I'm not sure there is.


I need to start putting a lot of this into a different format. Painting maybe, or poetry. But I'm tired, L. And I am also thinking a lot tonight about how you said that you were tired, when you cancelled the last 2 Fridays of December that we had originally scheduled. Did we get tired of each other after 10 years? Is that what happened? I wish I could ask you these things.


Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since we saw each other last.


Do you think of me at all? Of when things were good between us, before you got tired? Do you wish we could go back? I sorta do.


But then I know, that it had to happen exactly the way it did. That was my process, and there's no use wishing for anything else. I just realized what this missing you actually is. It's missing what can never be.

And I'm sad. I think the tears are coming at last.

I bought 3 bags of Goldfish crackers today which my current therapist says is an unhealthy behavior because I eat them because my transferenceT ate them. Whats funny though is I found out they brought back the big Goldfish and I remember being in transference T's office one time and asking her if she remembered those and she googled them and told me there were pictures of them online. So I grabbed 2 bags today. Partially because of that particular session but also for nostalgic sake since these were around for a bit when I was 8.

Today was a good session, maybe we can find a way through this massive rupture. For the first time since that awful session I was able to feel compassion from you, so thank you. I’m still angry and hurt by what you did, and it’s definitely going to take time to rebuild the trust and safety, but I’m really trying to move past it and I think you realise the magnitude of that for me. It felt more hopeful today that we can find a way through.
And I’m so pleased you weren’t wearing that bloody salmon coloured shirt again!! I have no idea why but I hate it! 😬🙃😬

I still love you and I still miss you. You/therapy with you were such a big part of who I am right now that everything I do, everywhere I go, everyone I talk to, everything I am reminds me of you. I have changed more than I ever knew it possible for one person to change (or at least be uncovered) but with that comes this ever constant reminder of you and the work we did. I must think of you over 10 times a day on a good day and over 50 on a more reflective day. That isn't conducive to me being able to move on.

Half the problem is, I don't want to move on. I want to stay right where we were.

I know I can't. I know that this is something that is out of my hands and it is my choice, I guess, how to live my life going forwards. Maybe I need this extended and difficult period of grief... To remind myself just how much we achieved. To remind myself just how far I have come. To remind myself how deeply I am now able to feel.

Maybe this is all still 'part of the process', that phrase you loved so much. It really annoyed me at the beginning, you know, but by the end I had come to understand, to see, to realise and to believe in it too.

I just wish I could reach out and have you take my hand again. I wish I could rest my weary head on your shoulder and feel your love, your care, your compassion.

Dear T: Thanks for texting me back. I'm so sorry you are sick. I hope it's not the dreaded Covid. Especially as you are (how do I put this delicately) a little bit older and you have some health conditions. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for complementing me. Yeah I've had a fair bit of therapy so I have picked up some tools along the way. I'm glad that I use them too. I still feel like crap today. I'm still at risk for relapse but let's see if I can get through without contracting. Sometimes I feel better on a Friday when I go home from work just because it is Friday and I can feel better. Let's see if that magic happens today without me having to contract. Thanks T! Kit

3 weeks ago right now, we were just sitting down and starting to talk for the last time. This missing something that was never real to begin with, yet still managed to be such a healing thing for me, is rather odd. Convoluted.

Artie... Whatever is was, it was real. It may be the strangest most magical thing in the world, but it was real. (I may be telling myself that to be fair!)

Thanks Waterbear.

Artie, we don’t know each other as I almost never post, but I feel as if I know you somewhat from your posts. I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry that your T said or did something to make you think that you never really knew her and that the whole thing was a fantasy in your mind. I really don’t believe that to be true with some Ts and I’m sorry, so deeply sorry, that she felt that way. I have a feeling that you’re right, that once you realize that or that’s said, that there’s no moving forward. But I just wanted to say that I don’t think it’s overly romantic of you and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you for wanting something real with your T. I think that can be and that can happen and maybe you’ll find that with another T in the future. I really hope and pray that you do and I think it took such strength for you to say goodbye now. I wonder if you’re trying to make it okay in your mind that she said that when really you’re deeply hurt about it. I would be. But I think it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a beautiful relationship between you and T anyway and just maybe there’s another T out there for you who won’t feel that way. Anyway, I don’t know if any of this makes any sense but I’m sending you all the best and I just really admire you and think you seem like the loveliest of people.

Agreed 100%. I've wanted to say something, because I feel like you are torturing yourself, but didn't want to appear rude or sticking my nose in your business.

Thank you both goatee and velcro. i'm sure it is true that i'm trying to make it okay in my mind... Maybe I just need to give myself more time. 3 weeks isn't really all that long in the context of the 10+ years. This stuff only hits me at night, thankfully.

It will likely be awhile before I am ready to start with a new t.

I want to eat a mint Aero bar. I'm not sure if its just a legit craving for them or slight rumblings of missing my transference T. I did eat Goldfish crackers today but not the pizza ones and eating them was just a routine part of my diet today which had nothing to do with therapy.

I do want to drink the blue fruit tea though so maybe this is bit of a transfrence issue. I think this was around the time I discovered the tea 2 years ago.

I am respecting my own boundary of not having caffeine this late. So I am controlling my urges which is good.

Dear New T,

I may have just figured during out. At the beginning, and all the time I didn't think you were the person I would do this work with, I felt I could connect with you. I felt good coming to see you. Ever since I decided to come back after seeing the other lady for a couple of months, things have been different and I've been struggling to work out why. I'm wondering now whether that's because there is a possibility that we might have to go there, and so I am shutting down emotionally, even more than normal.

Thing is, I still don't think I want to see you long term. I don't think you are the right person, but yet the other lady isn't entirely right either. I still do feel like I need both of you for different reasons, and I am seriously tempted to have that conversation with you... Properly.

I've written an email to Old T, I wish I could speak to her. I wish she could help me figure this out. She says she would. She said she cared a lot about me. She said she wanted to try and help me find someone. I haven't spoken to her for about six months now, but it feels like it's about time to reach out and see if she can throw some light on this.

Dear Old T,

I do hope you agree to see me for a session or two, to try and figure this out. I just don't know what to do for the best here. It feels like I'm going to the doctor only they aren't helping me decide on a course of treatment. It's like it's up to me, but they know best, but they won't help me figure it out, because I have to be the one to choose, if that makes sense!

Dear T,

We talked about a lot yesterday, including some really heavy stuff. I'm wondering if that's part of what led to my panic attack, or whatever it was, this morning? I keep feeling like I want to reach out to you, but I'm unsure of what I want to say and of what I would want from you in response. So, unless I figure it out by like 7:30 or may 8 a.m. tomorrow (based on when you tend to read/reply to email), it's probably best to just discuss Monday. I think this is a sign of growth, because a year or maybe even 6 months ago, I'd have likely still sent something to you. Or would have asked if you could meet tomorrow (though now I get the sense you have a couple clients you see each Sunday and no flexibility, barring some sort of crisis, which I understand).

So, um, yeah.

Love,
LT