Driving past your therapist's house

(This was inspired by an old thread, now closed.)

I most definitely do not see anything wrong with driving past your therapist's house. It does make me feel very sad that so many of us, so many people, are in such desperate need of soothing and safety, connection and love. Certainly, that speaks to some kind of severe deformity in the way we treat our children - who grow up to be such needy adults. Perhaps that so many people seek out therapy altogether speaks to an enormous failure in our society, too.

I have an extremely painful and terribly confusing situation going on right now with the woman who may/may not be my therapist. She and I have been in therapy for 3 years...except that she has chronic illness (in addition to a variety of other reasons) that cause her to be out of the office frequently...sometimes for a few days, sometimes for a week or two, and sometimes longer. When we had first started therapy, she had pneumonia and was gone for almost 4 months. Currently, she is on leave again for health issues; this time it will be for at least 3 months.

I have never been given more than 2 days' notice - and that is rare. Usually notice is given the day before and, much more often, a few hours prior to my session (which really screws up my day and my week, let alone my mental health).

When I have asked M. if she plans to retire soon (she's 71) her reply was, "Not at all. I love my work, plus I need to make a house payment."

I'm sure the house payment is being made, but she often is unavailable as far as her work goes.

This spring I had tremendous stressors that caused me to have a breakdown. M. and I had 2 intense and deeply personal sessions during which we were getting into, really into, PTSD problems that I had initially started therapy for. Finally, I thought, a chance to truly clean this stuff out and move on.

Then she got sick. What was supposed to be a week's absence turned into 2 weeks - turned into a month, then 2 months, and now it's (at this time) a full three months.

One month into M.'s leave I spoke with M.'s receptionist, who told me that M. had come in to pick up some paperwork and that she had looked extremely unwell. M. and I have had a very close and warm bond. She has told me that I am special, she has given me cards full of praise and caring, and signed them "Love." She has brought me things from her garden, and given me an Easter bunny full of candy. For Christmas she gave me a gift box of cards (kind-of like Tarot cards) with lessons about mindfulness on them. I always treasured her gifts; at the same time, I did wonder, more than I wanted to, about boundaries.

M. has also been open about her family. He husband, her children and grandchildren, her family of origin, past experience in her life (that were not directly related to my therapy). We have spent definitely two, possibly three, sessions discussing some hardship or event in her life. The entire sessions. I listened and gave supportive suggestions. Did I find her behavior odd? Yes. Odd and at times, very triggering.

All that said, M. is an extremely warm, caring, motherly woman. Very earthy and understanding.

So this time when she'd been ill for a month I wanted to give her a gift. I wanted to do it because yes, I missed her tremendously, but primarily because I was very concerned about her health. I wanted to give her something special to pick up her spirits and to let her know I care. And I knew just the gift to give - some bells, called "protection bells," sort-of like wind chimes but, in my opinion, even lovelier than many chimes I've seen. I wrapped the bells nicely, stuck a note in the bag, and googled M.'s full name. Her address popped right up. She doesn't live far from me. I drove over, parked, walked straight up to the porch of her house, set the bag by her front door, and left. I didn't look at anything except the pathway in front of me, and I certainly didn't "hang around."

Later that day I got a call from M.'s receptionist, telling me that M. had texted her and asked her to tell me that "I shouldn't have, but thank you" and she said she'd hang the bells in her garden "where the fairies will love them." The receptionist told me that M. was feeling somewhat better and would likely be back the following week.

Two weeks later and I hear that M. is even sicker. Still, she would "surely be back the following week." M. loves tea. I had some nice herbal tea sent to her home via Amazon. Again, with the intention of sending love, cheer, and thoughts of healing energy.

Six weeks into her absence I was feeling yes - bad that M. was still sick, and afraid that perhaps she was nearing death because when I'd go to the clinic for other reasons I'd hear about how very sick M. looked when she dropped in to pick up whatever. But by that time I was feeling hurt and angry. Where are the woman's professional ethics as far as continuing to work as a therapist when she was frequently out of the office? And why hadn't she bothered to drop me a quick email, just a "I hope you're doing well. I'm struggling with this illness, but I promise I will be back." But...nothing.

So I sent more tea. Yes, because I care about her, yes because I was missing her very much - and yes because I was feeling prickly and kinda wanted to poke at her. I still didn't hear from her. (I absolutely did not want a thank you for the gifts, just an acknowledgement that she remembered my existence.)

Now it's 2 full months that M. has been absent. I was near to falling apart, so I scheduled an appointment with her colleague. I had 2 excellent sessions with him. I told him openly about giving M. the gits; his response was that he was sure that, knowing her, she'd be fine with it. (I would have been pleased to become his client, unfortunately, he's leaving the clinic this month.)

After that session I felt less angry at M., still concerned about her, but becoming more and more decisive about ending therapy with her. I was feeling far more upset than healed. I considered that I don't pay for therapy sessions because my insurance covers it. In my mind, that justified spending a bit more money and buying M. some flowers. Which I did, and took them to her front porch (again, quickly and without hanging around in the least). When I leaned down to place the flowers by her door I did notice a pretty rock I'd found a couple of years before. I was pleased and touched to see that she'd kept it. I left.

The next day I had a phone message from M. I thought, how nice; she's finally calling and wishing me well, assuring me that she'll be returning to work soon.

What I heard was a fairly extensive run-down of her health issue and that she'll be out yet another month, until July (if she's well by then). And then...while she knows I mean well by giving her the gifts I must please, please, stop sending things to her house because there are professional boundaries and she could lose her license, her whole career, over this. And she went on. She never so much as wished me well. Never an "I hope you're okay until we see each other again."

I returned her call (to her office) and told her that I needed to get my thoughts out for my own well-being, and that I would be sending her an email. And I wrote an email telling her how rotten it felt for her never to have bothered to drop me a 2-line email, but only (after 2 months) to call and scold me. I told her that her absences are too frequent to keep continuity of therapy and is she aware that not only am I being re-traumatized, but that surely some of her other clients are, too. I explained how ashamed and embarrassed her scolding message had made me feel. The grief, trauma, and shame I am living with is a beast. I don't know where to turn now. I have had some serious stuff in my life that has caused the trauma I entered therapy to treat. In addition, I have bipolar disorder that I work diligently to live with.

And here things sit. Almost a month, minimum, until I maybe hear from M. again and no idea of where to take all this.

I apologize for this lengthy post, and for hijacking this thread. Where the thread not 7 years old I wouldn't have re-focused it. It's just that while I was reading through it my own situation seemed, in some ways, relevant. But am I compelled to drive past M.'s house anymore? Ha, no freakin' way. Did I ever have an intention of stalking her? Far, far from it.

I hope the OP of the other thread did end up discussing with her therapist the need she felt to continually drive past her house. I do not think there is any "wrong" about it. I do think the OP is desperately needing connection and comfort.

Beth, I agree your T is wrong in how she does things. If she can't provide consistent care, she should find something else to occupy her. It's good, in my opinion, that you leave her. I would draw her ethics into question.

That being said, I find driving past a T's home to be a violation of boundaries. I think I might know the city where my T lives, and I'm not ever planning to go there, let alone would I drive past his house or drop anything off at his door. I even avoid walking past his office unless I have a session there. However, I acknowledge that my situation may be different. I have issues with malignant fantasies and I have been friends with a stalker in the past (over the internet). I felt very connected to this guy and find this sort of behaviour would but be a little bit of a stretch for me. Me doing that sort thing would worry me (and it would most certainly worry my T). Just saying that to point out that while I do feel correct in saying it is generally wrong to drive past a T's house, my perspective is of course tainted by the specific circumstance of me being me.

Beth, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Your T should have been in touch more regularly, whether sending something herself or having her office do so, giving a better sense of her time line and also offering up other T's for her clients in the meantime.

She also handled the gifts poorly--maybe she thought she was communicating that you shouldn't send more with her "You shouldn't have, but thanks." However, that's a common thing for people to say when getting an unexpected gift--"Thanks, you shouldn't have!" So I imagine you took it in that sense (and maybe it's also how she meant it). Plus, she said she'd hang it in the garden, which suggests she appreciated it. If she really didn't feel appropriate accepting the gift (or was bothered that you took it to her house), she should have conveyed that to you then.

Where she also made a big error in communication was not saying anything following the couple gifts after that. And waiting until it really built up, then exploding on you. I also don't understand how receiving the gifts could cause her to lose her license? If it was really an issue, she could have presumably returned the tea to Amazon or donated it or something. (I guess the flowers are a bit more difficult in that sense.) But the main thing is that she didn't say anything earlier on. She could have simply said "I appreciate the thought behind the gift, but I cannot ethically accept them." And also said she hoped you were doing well, something like that.

I'm guessing it's also jarring for you to hear that side of her from the voice mail, if she is normally very caring. Her going off on you reminds me a bit of the time that my ex-marriage counselor went off on me in a phone call. Where he called and said, "I only have 2 minutes, and I'm going to do all the talking" (we talked longer than that). But I saw this completely different side to him--opposite of the caring, accepting person I was used to. And it was extremely painful.

I completely understand your wanting to terminate, for various reasons. I hope you will be able to see her one last time so that you have some sort of better closure than the voicemail and email.

I drove by my therapist’s house. She terminated as a result. I’m heartbroken and ashamed. She said she lost her objectivity as a result, but what does that mean? Would all therapists terminate as a result of their client breaking this boundary? - Quora
I remember fully on here how a member drove past her therapist house and the therapist saw her. She was immediately terminated. It was sooo devastating for her as it would be for me too if that happened. She posted it on quora as well.

I would never go out of my way to drive past my T's house for fear of being terminated and the extreme shame I would feel. I know exactly where he lives too. If I did drive past his house I would never tell him as I would not feel like I needed forgiveness or redemption from him.

If OP wants some kind of therapy around this issue she could bring up in session that she learned where T lives and always feels the urge to drive past her house. It then can be safely discussed.

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Originally Posted by AliceKate Beth, I agree your T is wrong in how she does things. If she can't provide consistent care, she should find something else to occupy her. It's good, in my opinion, that you leave her. I would draw her ethics into question. That being said, I find driving past a T's home to be a violation of boundaries. I think I might know the city where my T lives, and I'm not ever planning to go there, let alone would I drive past his house or drop anything off at his door. I even avoid walking past his office unless I have a session there. However, I acknowledge that my situation may be different. I have issues with malignant fantasies and I have been friends with a stalker in the past (over the internet). I felt very connected to this guy and find this sort of behaviour would but be a little bit of a stretch for me. Me doing that sort thing would worry me (and it would most certainly worry my T). Just saying that to point out that while I do feel correct in saying it is generally wrong to drive past a T's house, my perspective is of course tainted by the specific circumstance of me being me.

My situation was different, too. I wasn't secretly driving past my T's house to check it out. She has a chronic illness and this time, according to what I was being told by the people who work with her and saw her, she was frightening ill. There were very serious comments...We have to hope for the best...If you pray, this is a good time to pray for her...We just don't know what's going to happen...

It occurred to me that this time might be "the one, " that M. may actually die. I wanted to reach out to her, let her know that she's an adored person. I wanted to nurture her. Since I couldn't do so in person, it seemed to me that giving her nice little gifts to cheer her was the next best thing. I didn't feel like I was crossing boundaries anymore than she has. I wasn't sneaking around in the dark, I was completely open about showing my care and my love for her at a time that, due to her severe illness, was (I thought) outside the box of a normal therapeutic relationship. It is true that after 2 months of her absence I felt angry at her. Still, my desire to nurture my therapist was stronger than my anger.

And what I received in return was a painful slap on the wrist and a stark reminder that while she may care about me, and even though she has signed her cards "Love, M., " we were, in truth, inside of a box called "therapy." There are limitations inside of that box, and there is a hierarchy, a strong power imbalance.

I don't have any answers, but I have come to believe that the very therapist-client relationship might actually be the sickest thing in the room.

In Hollywood and in Beverly Hills, on many street corners and inside tourist shops you can find someone selling "a map to the stars' homes." And there are tour buses that tourists pay a pretty penny for so they can be shown the outside of the houses of (or, more commonly, the thick cement walls around the property of) famous people.

We idolize certain people, they are icons and archetypes to us, we put them on a pedestal. We feel drawn to them and to their world; their surroundings (whether that's a house or a place our chosen icon is seen). Their homes are like castles to us - or like a church, a sacred space.

But who are those stars? They're just people. But they are people who, in our minds, are special, different from others. They give us inspiration, hope, something bigger and brighter than we are. We pay to see them in movies and shows, in concert, at professional sporting events.

Why do we pay them, why are we obsessively interested in them, fascinated by them? Actually, those people we idolize are our living, breathing fantasies. And there are probably few things more meaningful to each of us than our fantasies are.

Interestingly though, ultimately we each have the most power. If we stop paying for the movie, the show, the tour bus ride, the session - if we stop feeding our fantasy that another human being will save us from ourselves, that other human being fizzles up and becomes small in our minds. But as long as we pay and believe we keep that other person in our world as being larger than life.

We can think of Google maps as a map to one of our own private stars, our therapist. The therapist is an incredibly special person who listens to us, comforts us, gives us a safe space, shows love to us. So is it so strange that we want to see where our therapist lives? I don't think so, I believe it's human nature to create Gods of people, and naturally, we want to fully know our Gods.

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight Beth, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Your T should have been in touch more regularly, whether sending something herself or having her office do so, giving a better sense of her time line and also offering up other T's for her clients in the meantime. She also handled the gifts poorly--maybe she thought she was communicating that you shouldn't send more with her "You shouldn't have, but thanks." However, that's a common thing for people to say when getting an unexpected gift--"Thanks, you shouldn't have!" So I imagine you took it in that sense (and maybe it's also how she meant it). Plus, she said she'd hang it in the garden, which suggests she appreciated it. If she really didn't feel appropriate accepting the gift (or was bothered that you took it to her house), she should have conveyed that to you then. Where she also made a big error in communication was not saying anything following the couple gifts after that. And waiting until it really built up, then exploding on you. I also don't understand how receiving the gifts could cause her to lose her license? If it was really an issue, she could have presumably returned the tea to Amazon or donated it or something. (I guess the flowers are a bit more difficult in that sense.) But the main thing is that she didn't say anything earlier on. She could have simply said "I appreciate the thought behind the gift, but I cannot ethically accept them." And also said she hoped you were doing well, something like that. I'm guessing it's also jarring for you to hear that side of her from the voice mail, if she is normally very caring. Her going off on you reminds me a bit of the time that my ex-marriage counselor went off on me in a phone call. Where he called and said, "I only have 2 minutes, and I'm going to do all the talking" (we talked longer than that). But I saw this completely different side to him--opposite of the caring, accepting person I was used to. And it was extremely painful. I completely understand your wanting to terminate, for various reasons. I hope you will be able to see her one last time so that you have some sort of better closure than the voicemail and email.

I am grateful for your post, LT. I agree with everything you've said. And yes, the "You shouldn't have, but..." was confusing to me for exactly the reason you've given - people say, "You shouldn't have, but thank you" about gifts a lot.

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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie I drove by my therapist’s house. She terminated as a result. I’m heartbroken and ashamed. She said she lost her objectivity as a result, but what does that mean? Would all therapists terminate as a result of their client breaking this boundary? - Quora I remember fully on here how a member drove past her therapist house and the therapist saw her. She was immediately terminated. It was sooo devastating for her as it would be for me too if that happened. She posted it on quora as well. I would never go out of my way to drive past my T's house for fear of being terminated and the extreme shame I would feel. I know exactly where he lives too. If I did drive past his house I would never tell him as I would not feel like I needed forgiveness or redemption from him. If OP wants some kind of therapy around this issue she could bring up in session that she learned where T lives and always feels the urge to drive past her house. It then can be safely discussed.

Thank you for the Quora link. That question sure did provoke some interesting replies - and the most understanding and wise ones were from the therapists, themselves.

Off-topic, but some good, insightful T's post on Quora (I'm on there fairly regularly).

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight Off-topic, but some good, insightful T's post on Quora (I'm on there fairly regularly).

Yes, there are. I love Quora. I liked it better when there weren't ads and when you didn't have to pay for Quora+, but it's still a terrific site for almost every topic imaginable. Thanks, LT

I think looking up where someone lives or even driving by is one thing but bringing something unsolicited to their door is a bit different.

I think I personally would be very bothered if someone just drove to my house and left something by my door. I’d not be bothered if someone asked me for my address so they can mail me a gift. It is perfectly fine and it happened to me and it doesn’t bother me. I’d be ok if they asked if they can drop something by my door. I’d probably be ok if someone just looked my address up online and then mailed me a get well card if d probably be ok. It’s just dropping something on my porch would be very uncomfortable.

I am not a therapist but I do case managing that requires many things similar to therapy. I also work with vulnerable population. I am always available for them BUT I live an hour away from work. Always did and likely always will. It gives me privacy. I believe that even though I am very devoted to my job I have a life and have rights for privacy. Seriously if I walked out to the porch now and saw unsolicited gifts from someone who drove by, I’d be very upset.

Now with someone being very ill. A coworker of mine was on a long medical leave and I had people asking what’s the best way to send things. I hand delivered gifts and cards to her in the hospital and then rehab and then her house. So I think with the sick therapist I’d probably ask other people in her office how to send her get well things. It could be given to her in the office when she comes to get stuff or could be emailed to her. Or someone could ask what she prefers

Having said that, your therapist needed to refer you to someone long time ago as she clearly cannot do the job. It’s unprofessional that she continues this charade of never being at work and never letting you know what’s going on. It’s so very wrong of her. Also she kept accepting gifts not saying anything but then all of a sudden had an issue with it. She is weird

Many of us are in therapy because we have trouble relating to others, feeling secure in relationship, understanding our attachment needs, how to self-soothe, what comfort means, etc. If we knew how to negotiate our needs amongst relational dilemmas I don't think we would be in need of therapy. Whether the driving trips/gift leaving pushes against the therapist's boundaries is a question for the therapist, not the client. If the therapist is bothered by it, they need to address their boundary. What is informing the client's need (and how any resulting tension between therapist and client is resolved) is far more important than the drive/gift leaving itself.

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Originally Posted by divine1966 I think looking up where someone lives or even driving by is one thing but bringing something unsolicited to their door is a bit different. I think I personally would be very bothered if someone just drove to my house and left something by my door. I’d not be bothered if someone asked me for my address so they can mail me a gift. It is perfectly fine and it happened to me and it doesn’t bother me. I’d be ok if they asked if they can drop something by my door. I’d probably be ok if someone just looked my address up online and then mailed me a get well card if d probably be ok. It’s just dropping something on my porch would be very uncomfortable. I am not a therapist but I do case managing that requires many things similar to therapy. I also work with vulnerable population. I am always available for them BUT I live an hour away from work. Always did and likely always will. It gives me privacy. I believe that even though I am very devoted to my job I have a life and have rights for privacy. Seriously if I walked out to the porch now and saw unsolicited gifts from someone who drove by, I’d be very upset. Now with someone being very ill. A coworker of mine was on a long medical leave and I had people asking what’s the best way to send things. I hand delivered gifts and cards to her in the hospital and then rehab and then her house. So I think with the sick therapist I’d probably ask other people in her office how to send her get well things. It could be given to her in the office when she comes to get stuff or could be emailed to her. Or someone could ask what she prefers Having said that, your therapist needed to refer you to someone long time ago as she clearly cannot do the job. It’s unprofessional that she continues this charade of never being at work and never letting you know what’s going on. It’s so very wrong of her. Also she kept accepting gifts not saying anything but then all of a sudden had an issue with it. She is weird

Thank you for your input, Divine. There is so much confusion to my therapy with M. that I no longer know which side is up. I would definitely have dropped the gifts by her office, had I known she'd be stopping by. But from what I heard she was so terribly ill that I assumed she was housebound and maybe even in the hospital at some point.

I was more than surprised when I learned that she'd driven over to the agency, spent time in her office, had obviously spoken with various staff members. Her health condition has to do with her lungs/breathing problems; still, if I was so ill that I had to frequently be off work on short (hours) notice, then on leave for (at least) 3 months I don't think I'd be driving places and talking with people - and exposing myself to whatever virus I might pick up from someone.

You see, I didn't perceive myself as just "someone" driving past M.'s house. I have been a long-term, reliable client. M. knows me very well. The town we live in is fairly small and we don't live at all far from each other. In fact, her office is quite a bit further from me than her home is.

The way M. reacted to me on her message was intense, and not her usual style. It has crossed my mind more than once that her husband was uncomfortable and encouraged her to contact me. NOT that (if it's the case) I don't hold her responsible for her cold phone message.

At one point, and for some years, I worked with at-risk youth, a job I loved. Now, if one of the kids had left a gift for me at my door, or sent a gift to me, I would have been delighted and deeply touched. Especially true if I was on leave for illness.

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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo Many of us are in therapy because we have trouble relating to others, feeling secure in relationship, understanding our attachment needs, how to self-soothe, what comfort means, etc. If we knew how to negotiate our needs amongst relational dilemmas I don't think we would be in need of therapy. Whether the driving trips/gift leaving pushes against the therapist's boundaries is a question for the therapist, not the client. If the therapist is bothered by it, they need to address their boundary. What is informing the client's need (and how any resulting tension between therapist and client is resolved) is far more important than the drive/gift leaving itself.

So wisely stated! Yes. Everything you've pointed out is absolutely the truth, what more can I say. This experience should be fodder for my therapeutic work. And my guess is that M. will want to use it that way. The problem is that we'll just get into the work - and she'll be out again. Me: fifty times burned, finally shy.

Obviously, M. has a chronic health condition. But while I was born in the afternoon, it wasn't yesterday afternoon...my own life experience tells me that were we to look back 20 years, M. was finding reasons even then to skip work. i.e., from what I've experienced, her management skills and organizational skills are less than fab, plus she's rather a "delicate snowflake" of a person.

I get it.

Well I am not cold hearted or anything. I keep in touch with a lot of people I worked with over the years but I think I am bothered if it’s unsolicited. Next Sunday I am going to a fair where one of my former kids (not a kid anymore) is DJing. It’s a public event and it would be ok if I just showed up but he actually invited me to come. It’s not unsolicited. I get a lot of contact from people I gave my cell and my address to. If I didn’t it would mean I don’t want them to visit me or call my cell, I’d expect them to contact me through my work. Not drive to my house. It’s just me. It has to be solicited by me.

I also think it’s possible it pissed her husband off. Mine is easy going and doesn’t care but lots of people would care. And it would bother them.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. Just trying to point out other points of view. Our living room window points to the porch. You can see me from outside if you come close enough. I am not indecent but I am not professionally attired. And my husband is about to grill outside wearing raggedy looking shirt. What if I have people over? What if my porch was a mess? What if I was high? What if I argued with someone in the house and it was audible. What if I have drunk uncle visible in the back yard from the porch. Some people have embarrassing family members. Should I be excited people show up uninvited at random times? I get it that you aren’t a stranger but it’s not like she said “hey come by this evening and drop a gift by my door more than once”.

I don’t want to upset anyone so I’d not be posting anymore. I am just surprised everyone but me thinks it’s a perfectly common and fine thing to do

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Originally Posted by divine1966 I get it. ....... I am just surprised everyone but me thinks it’s a perfectly common and fine thing to do

No, not everyone does. Not at all. I think that part of how we feel about our boundaries is about how much personal power we feel safe with, or not. In general, I don't need a lot of personal power - but then I don't always have what I suppose are "generally acceptable" boundaries. I'm big on the spirituality of loving and giving - BUT I have often found myself terribly hurt and traumatized for that, I admit it.

And it looks like this current thread has been broken away from the original, old thread. I felt kind-of sorry for that OP because she was treated harshly by some people for feeling the need to repeatedly drive past her T's house (which truthfully is quite a bit different than my own situation).

You don't have to refrain from posting. There's nothing anyone can say that surprises me or angers me, it's just that some people articulate their perspective better than I can. I'm willing to hear all sides - with the knowledge that ultimately, this burning wildfire is between M. and I and that only she and I can work with it, or not.

I was the one who drove by my T’s house several years ago and posted on here as well as the quora link that was shared.

I thought I’d chime in since i have struggled with deep shame around driving by my T’s house ever since. I’m really sorry and don’t mean to hijack OP’s post. I also had extreme attachment issues and my T blurred boundaries (coming into my school dorm room so I could show her how I’d hung her notes and the picture of us on my wall, fostering intimate moments of connection (including telling me she loved me as well as sitting on the couch together with intertwined fingers), among many other things.

I understand OP’s desire to drive by her T’s house and I suppose it reminded me of my situation. I think T’s need to remember they are the professional in the relationship - many of us clients come with attachment issues and the relationship itself can be incredibly over stimulating if handled poorly. I wish I could go back in time and not post the quora post because the therapists who commented on there did not have the full story. Also, I don’t mean to deny my responsibility. I have just spent the last two years hating myself and feeling disgusted with what I did and it’s taken an incredibly long time, multiple alcohol treatment centers, and many other therapists to tell me that what my T did was not okay.

Hi Beth. I saw you reference this thread in the bipolar forum, so came here since this topic is one I can truly relate to from the past. I'd write more, but my time is limited and I type only 10% the speed on my phone compared to my laptop. And with many more typos.

You driving past her house is far from unusual, in cases of transferance, which is what it clearly is. I did the same with my past psychiatrist. After all is said and done, you should not feel bad about this, unless a crime was committed, which wasn't. Yes, boudaries were broken, and I believe your therapist was at most fault. My suggestion is to quit her, after reading your detailed story. I also think there are needs you have that must be addressed and they are nothing to feel ashamed about at all! I truly feel for you since you've only recently had a horrible experience with a bad psychiatrist, and had to find new. At this time, you deserve a stable mental healthcare team. I realize that starting new therapeutic relationships, themselves, is a huge stress. Asking how often a potential new tdoc cancels is a legitimately good question. Hugs

I feel I wrote too little above, but it's all I can now.

I know everyone has given you all the good advice already, but I just wanted to say I have thought about driving past my Ts house, but I cant because it's on a small road that wouldn't really lead me anywhere. I've also almost sent him something to his home address, but decided against it because he lives with his wife and thought she might not feel comfortable with that. I asked him if he cared that people knew where he lived before and he said no.

I definitely don't think it's weird to drive past their house though, for me it's just curiousity to see where and how he lives. And to feel closer of course.

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Originally Posted by justbreathe1994 I was the one who drove by my T’s house several years ago and posted on here as well as the quora link that was shared. I thought I’d chime in since i have struggled with deep shame around driving by my T’s house ever since. I’m really sorry and don’t mean to hijack OP’s post. I also had extreme attachment issues and my T blurred boundaries (coming into my school dorm room so I could show her how I’d hung her notes and the picture of us on my wall, fostering intimate moments of connection (including telling me she loved me as well as sitting on the couch together with intertwined fingers), among many other things. I understand OP’s desire to drive by her T’s house and I suppose it reminded me of my situation. I think T’s need to remember they are the professional in the relationship - many of us clients come with attachment issues and the relationship itself can be incredibly over stimulating if handled poorly. I wish I could go back in time and not post the quora post because the therapists who commented on there did not have the full story. Also, I don’t mean to deny my responsibility. I have just spent the last two years hating myself and feeling disgusted with what I did and it’s taken an incredibly long time, multiple alcohol treatment centers, and many other therapists to tell me that what my T did was not okay.

Hi! Do you mean that you were the OP of the "I Drove Past My Therapist's House" thread?

I wish you weren't being so rough on yourself, justbreathe. I really do. Did you discuss your feelings with the T who house you drove past and, if so, what was her response?

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hi Beth. I saw you reference this thread in the bipolar forum, so came here since this topic is one I can truly relate to from the past. I'd write more, but my time is limited and I type only 10% the speed on my phone compared to my laptop. And with many more typos. You driving past her house is far from unusual, in cases of transferance, which is what it clearly is. I did the same with my past psychiatrist. After all is said and done, you should not feel bad about this, unless a crime was committed, which wasn't. Yes, boudaries were broken, and I believe your therapist was at most fault. My suggestion is to quit her, after reading your detailed story. I also think there are needs you have that must be addressed and they are nothing to feel ashamed about at all! I truly feel for you since you've only recently had a horrible experience with a bad psychiatrist, and had to find new. At this time, you deserve a stable mental healthcare team. I realize that starting new therapeutic relationships, themselves, is a huge stress. Asking how often a potential new tdoc cancels is a legitimately good question. Hugs I feel I wrote too little above, but it's all I can now.

I'm so glad to have your input, Soupe. Thank you for it, despite your current typing limitations. "A stable mental healthcare team" - you said it! Since the agency moved to the new clinic some months back they must have had major admin changes because wow, their priorities sure have changed for the worse. I am calling today to make an appt. with another therapist. We'll see how it goes.

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Originally Posted by Lostislost I know everyone has given you all the good advice already, but I just wanted to say I have thought about driving past my Ts house, but I cant because it's on a small road that wouldn't really lead me anywhere. I've also almost sent him something to his home address, but decided against it because he lives with his wife and thought she might not feel comfortable with that. I asked him if he cared that people knew where he lived before and he said no. I definitely don't think it's weird to drive past their house though, for me it's just curiousity to see where and how he lives. And to feel closer of course.

It sounds like your therapist is in touch with the real world. Thank you for sharing your own experience. I appreciate it.

I've known people who got stalked.

One person (not a therapist) eventually got a gruesome "gift" at her door. Her stalker was someone who got obsessed with her, and when she didn't accept his interest, it got legitimately dark. Police was involved but not much was done until the gruesome gift.

I do understand attachment and idealising a therapist, and I believe many people wouldn't harm their therapist or want to scare them at all. I imagine many clients would be horrified to learn they'd scared their therapist.

All you need is one person to really scare you, however?

I've been online and physically stalked for a while by a harmful family member (thankfully it didn't become serious) and 3 or so years on, I had a full on panic reaction after my session, when I realised the client who arrived before me (for my session with my therapist) was also my therapist's client (session after me), and that she was sitting right outside the therapy room door. I'm not saying that client is wrong or did anything wrong, I'm saying I had an oversized reaction given my past experiences.

My therapist has been stalked by a client (I didn't ask details of stalking) who eventually left my therapist. I still remember how sad my therapist looked and sounded when she said "they left..."

The topic was very relevant in my therapy, and we didn't go into any unnecessary detail and focused on my desire for connection and how I wanted to know her boundaries so they could become "rules" that I would never break. She actually said they're not "rules", that boundaries can be flexible sometimes, and that we'd discuss if I ever made her uncomfortable.

I understand wanting connection, and unfortunately, we can't predict how anyone would react, no matter how well intentioned.

I understand wanting to be "around" a location tied to them, and I don't automatically think driving past their house (especially if they have a home office) is violating... it depends very much on the individual therapy relationship and the people involved.

I've wanted to hang around the clinic (there's a few waiting rooms, I woukdbt interact with my T or even see her) sometimes because it's associated with safety when going through a difficult time.

Some clinics where I live didn't mind people doing that pre-pandemic. I have also been told to spend time in the waiting room until I was grounded enough to leave while she welcomed the next client.

So I asked my T, she said no, and I respected that.

Some of my friends drop off stuff by where I live. If they came unannounced to visit, I would probably fine with that, even if I would be surprised.

If my parents or particular relatives did so or dropped off stuff though, I'd be scared. Was already afraid one time when they said they almost got plane tickets showed up to a place I was having a vacation at. Which some abusive parents do. Doesn't have to be fear though, my sister plain doesn't like unannounced things (calls, drop off, visit, whatever) in general.

I do hope that therapists could set and enforce boundaries in a non harmful way, (I remember reading a clinical book on IF a client keeps breaking a boundary repeatedly after the therapist set it and reminds them every time of the boundary and the mext consequence), and that hopefully they can communicate their boundary clearly the first time they're uncomfortable and that they'd presume good intentions in the client.

My therapist has set boundaries with me because an action of mine made her uncomfortable, and that meant it would hamper our work. I've also set a boundary with her about a particular use of my name which makes me uncomfortable.

I don't think people automatically know another's boundaries.

I've never driven by a T's house, although I only know where one of my former T's lives and it is in a completely different town. I do have her address and I send her Christmas cards every year. She does not send me one.

I haven't really given gifts to a T except for former T. I would make her handmade cards when she would go on vacation. And when she got sick with MS I made her a blanket. And when we stopped working together I sent her a little stuffed animal mouse that I also had that I would often bring to therapy with me. So we each have one. She accepted these things graciously. But probably because it was at the end of our time together.

I can see wanting to take care of your T when they are out sick and it would frustrate me that they accepted the gifts and then suddenly it's not okay, especially as they had given you gifts before. So that's kind of strange.

I don't think your T is up for doing the kind of work that you need, but that is just my two cents. You can certainly do whatever your heart and gut and mind tell you is the right thing to do.

I am sorry that your T hasn't been more caring and responsive to you during this long time of not seeing her. That would be very difficult for me as well.

Sending you hugs, if you want, Kit

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Originally Posted by Quietmind 2 ...I have also been told to spend time in the waiting room until I was grounded enough to leave while she welcomed the next client. So I asked my T, she said no, and I respected that. ...

I absolutely do not agree with your therapist about her decision. For a client to sit in the waiting room for say, 10 minutes, following a session in order to calm and ground is perfectly acceptable - and if the client is driving, it could be a matter of safety.

For the record I've been stalked by a man. It was 6 to 7 years ago. I was terrified. The way it ended was that a police officer telephoned me and told me they were holding the guy; he had been in the street, holding a hatchet, screaming that he was planning to kill me when they picked him up. After that he was told that if he was in the town where I live he would be arrested (he came from a city some ways away).

I lived for years afraid of him - it still leaves me edgy.

Bottom line though, I was in no way stalking my therapist.