Today's session - need help processing it

Oy.

I went to therapy today. We sat on the floor. I colored and he looked through a DBT workbook that I bought for myself. It was a very gentle session. I told him on the phone before I went AND while I was there that I just needed a session where I felt cared for, felt like someone else was in charge, felt nurtured.

Near the end of session, he wanted to talk about the hugs. So, pretty much right after I made a comment about wanting to sit there and feel cared for, he said he wanted to talk about the hugs. He asked how they feel to me. They feel fine. I told him they feel fine, and that I feel surprised that they feel fine, because earlier in therapy, I would have lost it if he even patted me on the arm. I thought that would be it, but he kept talking and talking, words words words words. I told him he was TALKING TOO MUCH and I wasn't even following him. I told him he didn't have to hug me, it's fine. He asked where that came from. I told him his words were overwhelming me, and it's just not that big of a deal. He brought up the ASSHOLE MINISTER who provided "counseling" for me in high school and who ended up taking me to his apartment (when we were supposed to be going out for ice cream) and to his bed. He said he wanted to keep talking about the hugs because of that - because I probably felt safe then and I wasn't safe and because he wants to be sure I feel safe now. Or something like that.

I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM RIGHT NOW. He knew that I needed this one session to feel safe. The last two sessions have completely overwhelmed me. I just needed to feel safe and cared for. He didn't need to bring that up TODAY. I go twice a week. We could talk about it anytime. ANYTIME. I was sitting there feeling safe and he took it away from me.

I threw my coloring books in my bag and told him I was leaving. He said something like "I ruined it". He DID ruin it. He told me it's okay to be angry at him. Well, duh. I know that.

I know I'm overreacting, but I can't get any perspective on it to see why I'm reacting the way I am. I have no idea. Which is why I'm typing this here - to see if someone can think through it with me.

I have NO DESIRE to call or e-mail or see him. Which is really unusual for me, usually I call right after session to process the session.

My feelings are hurt and I'm sad to the point of tears. Or am I angry to the point of tears??? I can't identify my feelings.

If someone can help me think through this, I would be so grateful. If anyone wants to bash my therapist for the hugs, please don't do it in this thread.

Thanks.

((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))

I am so sorry that the session didn't go the way you may have imagined it would go (or maybe it's the way I imagined it would go). I think I would be angry too if I specifically told my therapist that I needed some down time in session and she tried to get into serious topics. I was really hoping to hear what fun you had today, so I am disappointed to hear how bad you feel. All I can offer right now are hugs and caring.

Oh earthmama.....I'm so sorry.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

After all the wonderful stories I've read about your T I am surprised to hear him acting like this.

I don't think you are overreacting. You told him what you needed. You were very specific and you made sure he understood...you told him several times. And he didn't give it to you. You have a RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. I would be angry if I were you.

I'm not criticizing your T - maybe there was some profound intelligent reason and lofty therapeutic goal for bringing up this topic at this particular time that is way over my head.

But that doesn't change the fact that you asked him for something you needed and he didn't come through.

Allow youself to have your feelings. Allow yourself to have some distance from him. And then when you are cooled off maybe you will feel like talking to him about it. It will be OK - it will it will it will.

sending lots of hugs and happy thoughts,
please be good to yourself,


ktgirl

Oh, (((((((((((earthmama))))))
I'm so sorry you didn't get the kind of session you needed.
I would be angry too. I think you should bring this up next session, that you felt your needs, although accurately conveyed, were not respected.
Maybe even copy the post you made and take it in. Hope you get this resolved soon and can go back to the therapy YOU need, the way YOU need it.
HUGS!

Earthmama, I'm sorry you had a bad session. The thing that would bother me is your T didn't respect you enough to listen when you said I don't want to talk about this. I haven't yet said no to my T about not wanting to talk about things because I haven't told her very deep stuff. My last session I did give her a letter of some deep issues and she said if she brings it up and I don't feel ready to talk she will respect that. I believe her on that. Your T sounds like he pushed you. I am not at the comfort level of getting mad/angry at T so I can't realy give to much thought but just maybe he wanted you to get angry and take back your power. Like when you went to the guy's house maybe you didn't yell and scream your wants and that guy ended up talking advantage and now you are practicing in therapy how to be assertive with T. I don't know just a thought. Hugs!

(((((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))))))))

The minister is something we processed a long time ago and are maybe kind of "done" with in a way. So, it's not so much that he brought up something traumatic, really....I don't know. I really don't know.

I just wish we could have had the session, and had the safe feeling, without having to pick everything apart and analzye it. I kind of feel like part of what T was saying was "don't mistake these hugs for *real* caring". Ouch, that really, REALLY hurts.

It was so hard for me to get to the point where I felt really safe with T AND really believed that I mattered to him. It feels like it was all undone - in a session that I thought was going to be such a safe session!

I feel HORRIBLE right now. I can't imagine going back to T on Friday, but I know that's a long way off, and I might feel differently by then. I guess my feelings are just really hurt.

((((Earthmama)))),

I'm so sorry your coloring session didn't go well Sigh. What are we going to do with our Ts?

What I hear you saying is that you told T that you wanted a session that felt safe and nurturing. T started talking about hugs, the minister and wouldn't stop even when you asked him to do so. Did you feel that he wouldn't stoop even though you asked repeatedly?

What do you think about this quote now that you read it out of context? You are not overreacting! Usually, though, when people "overreact" to a certain situation, it can mean that the issue is more than what's going on in the here and now (that's my experience, at least).

About the hugs. I don't know this for sure, I may be completely off, but it sounds like he is concerned that as you work through this trauma, that you might start having negative transference toward him?? This happened to me before and is difficult to "climb" out of. So, I think he's doing this because he cares about you so much! He wants you to continue to feel safe with him so you can work this through with him! I do wish he had been able to wait one more session. But, I guess your T is worried about you and for some reason didn't think it should wait.

I'm so sorry that your are hurthing, EM! PM me if you need to

((((Earthmama)))) I'm sorry your session didn't go very well and T didn't respect your wishes. Even if he didn't listen, you still did a good job standing your ground and telling him what you needed. I wish I had some insight as to why he would disrespect your wishes. I hope he can explain it by Friday. Take care of yourself.

(((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))

You do have a good T there. Wouldn't it be good if we went to every therapy session and insisted on not doing much? But the fact is that therapy has to be therapy. Your T had to open up the wound a little, spray some anaesthetic in it and then sew it up. Ouchies for sure!

Your T's hugs are safe and always have been but the asshole minister's were not. The child within you would have felt angry about that but wouldn't have been able to say at the time. Lots of transference flying around in that session. You had no power as a child but you had some power in that session, see?

Healing is happening.

I am sorry you had a bad session.

I think....... I think your T was just taking a risk. I think part of a T's job IS to challenge you and to bring up stuff that they find important, even difficult, when the time is right. Your T probably felt like you were feeling safe and good, so he took a risk to bring something up thats not so easy to talk about hoping that since you were in such a good place you'd be ok. T's do make mistakes, and obviously you weren't ready for it. Just know that he does have your best interest in mind and eventually i think you need to talk about those things. Know, though, that no matter when he brings it up you're going to feel its not the right time because it's never going to be easy. I know what it's like to be feeling safe and then have it be "ruined" by something a T says or having to leave, it's very hard. But i think your T was just taking that risk to challenge you so you could make more progress. Let him know that the timing wasn't right for you, but like i said, don't be surprised if whenever he brings it up you get angry. Because its not easy stuff. I hope I helped. Have faith in your T.

((earthmama))

I don't believe you are overreacting, but reacting! You probably can't gain perspective because you are "in it," so to speak. I know for me, when I have a reaction like that it means that T pressed some serious buttons (and I am usually my child self in some way).

When have you felt like this before? I wonder if mentioning your previous counselor brought up some internalized shameful feelings about someone "ruining" something?

I am so sorry you are hurting like this right now and yeah--I think you should throw darts at his picture. These ruptures are difficult to work through but usually yield great treasure.

Take gentle care of yourself right now and get some rest.

:I-Agree:

It could be that a bunch of "past history buttons" were pushed all at once.

Were you heard as a child? Did people take what you had to say seriously?

((((EM))))
I'm sorry you are having to go thought this. Days that this is therapy really suck. I have no idea why you T might have pushed when you really directly asked him not to. Not sure if there was some strategic goal he was trying to achieve when you were in you current state. I'm not a T, as a fellow patient, you session seems like it was a bit rough. (((Lots of caring hugs)))

There has only been one situation in my therapy where I had specifically asked my T NOT to do something, and she totally disregarded my request and did it anyway. I was so angry, totally floated away half way through the session. It was truly the worst session yet. We never directly talked about this situation, but a few months later, I realized that it was important that she handled it the way she did. I don't know if it was right or wrong or if another approach would have worked better. At this point I when I think back, I believe she had a good reason for doing what she did.

Maybe you can just be angry at your T. But also trust that he must have had a good reason to do what he did whether you can see it at the moment or not.

Just be careful here. Just because you are feeling or interpreting his remarks this way, does mean that this is way your T was really trying to convey.

(((EM)))) Take your time, be angry, if you don't feel like speaking or communicating with him at the moment...don't. You have a good therapeutic relationship going with this guy, you will work through this situation and get to the bottom of what is really behind your response.

I am really sorry your "safe session" went so wrong. This may be WAAAY out there, but something different came to my mind when I was reading your post.

Is it possible that he was thinking of giving you a "loving" hug and because he wanted it to be a safe session, he wanted to make sure you were ok with the hug? It sounds like he was trying to make it the nice, quiet session on the floor that you needed. Maybe he was feeling safe and loving and good. Maybe he was feeling like giving you a hug because it seemed natural.

I don't know if this makes sense. He obviously "blew it". But, maybe the reason was something loving. I dunno:Ponder:

tulips

I have a psychoanalytic T and something that drives me crazy is that he overanalyses everything. For example the other day I made a joke and he not only misinterpreted what I said, but he offered all these insights about it. I was so mad at him for not getting me and also for being so analytical. When I'm having difficulty talking about a subject and I say I don't want to talk about it, then he starts questioning me about why it is hard to talk about. That is the way Ts think, or maybe the way they are trained. By warning him ahead of session that you wanted to feel safe, and by once again bringing it up in session that you wanted to feel safe and connected, you let him know that this was important to you. He is trained to think about why you kept insisting in being safe. Where do these feelings come from? I'm thinking that his assumption was that feeling safe with him, getting hugs from him (touch)...it is all connected to that one episode where boundaries were crossed and trust was lost. As much as I wish we could all just go to therapy to play cards with out Ts, they are there to challenge us and make us face and feel our demons so we can get rid of them and lead healthier lives.

I think I understand how you feel. I've been where you are, it's confusing and makes me question why I'm in therapy and why I let this person have so much power.

Hang in there. I've read many of your posts where you describe the great connection you have with your T. I have faith that it will get worked out.

Let us know how it goes next session.

Earthmama, what a tough session. I don't think your overreacting. It sounds like you expressed your needs very clearly to your T, in advance of the session, and then again in the session. And he didn't meet your needs at all (when he fairly easily could have), he ignored your request to just have some support and comfort and feel safe. It's so hard to ask anyone to fill our needs and then when you do, to have those needs ignored, and by your T! I think I would feel betrayed, or at least really hurt. Really a tough, touch session.

It sounds like your T was very worried about how his hugs were sitting with you, and just had to ask, couldn't let it wait another day. I think he was really concerned about this, and couldn't let his own need to be reassured by you that the hugs were OK wait until you were ready to talk. So, yes, I think he did blow it. I think his own worries got in the way a bit of providing you with what you needed. He did realize that he "ruined" it, though, and I think this is good. He's certainly willing to admit he's human. I hope you can let him be too, and work through this next time.

From the actions and words you have reported, I did not get the sense that your T was trying to tell you that. But you were there. I think this is something big that needs to be clarified.

Earthmama, it is just fine to not want to see or talk to your T right now. You need some space to be hurt and angry and to process this. Take your time. Friday will come soon enough.

(((((((((((((((((( everyone ))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your thoughts. It gave me a lot to think about.

I think ((((((((((sunrise ))))))))))))) is right - he was putting his need to talk about the hugs above my need to have that one session to just "be". And that wouldn't have been a hard thing for him to give me. My therapy IS about him challenging me, etc., but it's also about our relationship and feeling safe, so to have a session like that wouldn't be that out of the ordinary.

We did exchange brief e-mails last night. I e-mailed him about how I was feeling because I felt like I was taking it out on my kids, which I obviously don't want to do. He said it was very clear in session and in e-mail that my feelings were hurt and that he was sorry - and he said he was sorry that the end of the session ruined it for me, when I had been very clear what my expectations were for the session.

I guess I will just sit with this now until Friday. I do appreciate that he apologized, but I knew he would apologize. It makes me really sad to feel so disconnected from him and angry at him. And although this will probably turn into one of those situations that I can look back at and think "wow, that rupture/repair really moved my therapy along" it just feels really crappy right now.

EM,
What I think is really good is that you are able to: a) admit that you were hurt by his actions, b) are able to feel your hurt and not judge yourself too harshly (initially assuming that you might be overreacting isn't too bad-considering what I do to myself), and c) directly communicating to him that he upset you. If I could do this, I would be patting myself on back and saying, "at least this is some progress!" Got to look for that silver-lining right :-)

Although this is a very difficult rupture for you to deal with at this time, you have done a GREAT job expressing yourself and setting up an opportunity for possibly healing this rupture on Friday, IMO. I also think the fact that you were aware enough to recognize that your feelings and reactions to this rupture were starting to have collateral damage and you took action to immediately address this is SO GREAT.

I often look back on certain situations and realize too late that I got caught up in my own stuff and unintentionally drag my kids into it. Being aware while it is happening or even immediately following the exchange is just one or two steps away from being able to avoid these situations in the future.

Again, I really wish you didn't have to deal with all this, but I think you are hanging in there. (((EM))) I hope as you reflect on it more and process it, that you and your T will be able to work through it.

Hi EM, he did wait until the end of the session so he didn't take the whole session away? Sounds like he might have been exploring why you haven't been feeling safe and that he wants to help you feel safe away from him?

I know that I have mentioned this before but I am still puzzled by this being angry with someone and it making you feel disconnected? I guess maybe because this feeling of genuine connectedness is new so, therefore, fragile?

Yeah, it's one of those things where you know it'll hurt now to feel better later, but hello, it hurts! So that knowledge is small comfort.

I have had my counselor push me on some things when I had been clear that I did not want to be pushed. After each incident, he did apologize and I found that, after a time, I did cool down and forgive him.

I felt like it helped me learn several things:
*I can state my boundaries to others.
*Sometimes people don't respect those boundaries.
*I can be angry with someone who steps past my boundaries.
*I don't have to end a relationship because my boundaries have been crossed.

I find that I am better able to conduct relationships with others, and to weather the storms, thanks to my safer experiences with my counselor.

((((((EM)))))))

I don't think he meant it to be taken the way that it obviously was.

Perhaps the comment's timing was off, but I think he was just thinking of your relationship with him. Even the best intentions can fall on their face. It seems to me that he didn't want you to feel as though maybe you would think that he was taking advantage of you like the minister did? I can't imagine ill-intent on the part of what from everything you have said about him, appears to be an excellent therapist.

I'm sure that your anger will subside and you can work through this with him on Friday.

((((((((earthmama)))))))).

We scheduled a 90 minute session for tomorrow. I'm not used to anger, and I feel like it's going to take a while to accept how I feel and to work through it with him. I've used some really crappy "coping mechanisms" this week, and there's probably some processing to do around that too.

In my history, I was certainly never allowed to feel anger with anyone - and, in fact, even in my current situation with H it is most defnitely not acceptable. T left me a message telling me that my feelings were hurt, and that made me angry, and that's okay, and we'll work through it together, and he's not going to get mad at me, leave me, refer me, etc.

In a lot of ways, feeling angry at someone that I care about is THE scariest feeling I can have. So this has been a LONG week.

I really appreciate everyone's support around this.

This is a great self-awareness here! You are more than capable of working through it too!

I'm sorry earthmama, it concerns me that he did not respect your wishes. I don't think you are overreacting at all. My T made me feel a bit unsafe too last night and he knows that I obsess over every word or statement he makes when it comes to discussions of our therapeutic relationship.

I wish I could take away your pain.