can your ex become your friend?

I was doing really okay... then he's confusing me again...
He says he just doesn't know what he feels and hasn't dealt with any of it.
Strange but true - he's just grabbed the closest thing and latched on to happiness... but is still getting what he 'needs' from me.

I am just moving on and then all of this sort of thing happens... He's moving out tomorrow (then I'll move back up into the house for the holidays)

I can't be the one to help him through this.. and he can't help me. he gives me hope with his words but his actions are the opposite...

ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH is how I feel right now LOL

Last day at work for two weeks... Going out with all the boys (yep am the only girl in the office) for lunch, am looking forward to it.
I have realised that I am just too tired and stressed to care anymore what his decision is. He should have made the correct choice from the start, not hooked up with a bimbo from work to ease the pain, not to mention to tell her he loves her. In a way I feel a bit sorry for her - what can I say I'm nice.
I don't care what he wants anymore. If he really had wanted me then he should never have done what he did - so am learning towards that his decision will be to remain with her.
If he wants to work things out (big if) I don't know that we can. He's hurt me deeply and I am just starting to figure out that I am okay and that I will get over this and be the happy person that I always have been.
I don't have a solution and I don't even really feel the need to fix anything anymore...
That's todays thoughts for the time being.... tomorrow am sure that I'll probably change my mind again but right now I'm GOOD

I'm so happy for you. I think it's the best thing to just forget about him (which is easier said than done). I am on Lexapro and it took about a week or 2 to get used to it. I'm not sure if I lost weight but I was definitely out of it and groggy for a bit. But now it's been about 5 months and I feel totally balanced on it. I LOVE Lexapro. And I would comment on the weight loss but I have no idea what 51 kg is in lbs lol. Why didn't they teach me the metric system?! lol

LOL I am used to the Lexapro now i think... been 9 days and seems to be kicking in and making my moods more level - a really good feeling!
51kgs is about 112lbs I think (a good weight for my height)..... now around 94lbs.... much too skinny (plus I seemed to have lost weight from everywhere - didn't have much of a chest before but now it's non existant )

Think that if he decides to try again it will be a VERY hard road and I don't want to travel down right now without help. It will require a lot of counselling and he will have a lot to prove to me... and even then I don't know I want to go down that path.

I sssoooo relate to what you're going through but I'm sorry you have to experience life so up close and personal.

I was married to my best friend for 28 years. He left me when I was in a deep depression following my parent's suicides. On the first day after the 30 day waiting period following our divorce he married the woman he had begun having an affair with while I was cowering from life under the covers merely trying to survive from day to day.

I never misjudged him until the end...I had always believed we'd be there for one another no matter what..and he was until I needed him most. My heart still aches and it's been ten long years.

Try to move on...so easy for others to say, so difficult to do. Love seems more elusive to me now than at any other point in my life.

Peace and happiness to you. All we can tell ourselves is that WE deserve it!

~ Melanie

Super long post I'm afraid but need to write this some where...

He moved you on Saturday... and we talked after on the phone. He was crying and couldn't talk properly. He had left me a letter at the house;

Belinda,
As I sit here looking around I realise you are right. I haven't deat with any of this. I have dne what I always do and ran from it.
I haven't dealt with the shame I feel for being a coward, for the pain and hurt I have caused you or the many many things I have done wrong since this happened.
I left the keys here because I don't wan you to have to see me again, I cannot believe that I had the guall to ask for your friendship, you should have spit in my face.
You said that everyone told you that you were too good for me, they were right. Dont ever make the kistake of ignoring them again. I don't deserve a second chance, you need to find someone who will give you everything you deserve and not a coward who will run at the first sign of trouble. You gave me 5 years of everything and I threw it all away and i can't even tell you why. I can't even tell myself why.
You asked me why I let her come into our house, I didn't have an answer, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was disrespectful, I think I know now, I did it because I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't live here while it was our house and I think letting her come here made it seem like if wasn't. I can never appologise enough to make p for that alone. I am sorry I did it, if I was a better man I wouldn't have done it. I would have dealt with it, I would have fought for us.
I should have tried harder to fix us. You are right you did deserve beter than me walking out on us. But you deserve beter than being with a piece of **** like me.
I know I shouldn't have written this. I know it is still communication but I couldn't walk out without explaining why I left the keys here. You should stop communicating with me, move on and forget you ever knew me. I can't believe I have the audacity to ask for your friendship after I threw away everything we had.
I sit here and think about the dreams we had, the future we had and the future I threw away. I can honestly say this is the sadest I have ever felt and it doesn't come close to how you feel.
I am sorry for everything i have done to you and I wont let you waste any more time on me.
I deserve nothing but your scorn, not a second chance. I wish I could have been the man you deserve. Goodbye Belinda, you will find someone who wil give you the love you, honestly and respect you deserve, don't be sad about this you should be happy to be rid of the weight that held you down for the last 5 years.

Mark

F*** it hurts...
He's still seeing her.. but says he doesn't know if he loves her or if he loves me... All he seems to know is that he couldn't hurt me like this again so he wont even think about trying...
I'd forgive him for being with her, i think have already.. I just want it to be my choice... I want to be able to say - we are giving it a go again... not at the same level and it's to be a new beginning but he just wont even go there.

I am cutting him off for the time being - atleast until after christmas... He will think about this everyday and surely re-bound relationships don't really work out...

Opinions please!

I agree, don't talk to him. He needs to realize that there is the 2 of you, and not the 3 of you. Your doing good. Don't feel sorry for him either. He created this mess.
I'm happy to hear that your meds are helping you. You should start eating. I know seperation makes people lose weight, but you need to eat to feel better. Keep posting.

He really sounds like a control freak. It's all about him, isn't it? Can you use a 3rd party to obtain those papers? he might just be delaying so that he makes you contact him again... ugh.

Thanks Sky I never really thought of him as a control freak before.. you might have hit on something there. The papers and all are with the courts now.... so don't have to see him again if that's what I choose.

JM thanks for the support. I am doing okay. Went for a walk with a wonderful friend this morning on the beach. It was really nice.

I am waiting for him to realise that (2 ppl no 3). When he does then it will be my choice as to what we do. Am not planning on contacting him until I am sure that I don't want him anymore. Its weird. I have forgiven him but he hasn't forgiven himself and wont as long as he is still trying to find happiness with her.
I am eating a bit more (had a chicken salad today...so far) and really when my blood sugar drops I do feel worse, not to mention that I have had to buy all new clothes LOL - I look unhealthy right now and that's not how I want to be.

I am on top of my feelings today - when I typed the letter to get opinions I didn't cry... He's making the mistake of his life. Either he loves me or he loves her - can't have it both ways.

I interpretted his letter as wanting you to feel sorry for him and he wants reassurance. As I said before, it will feel like you're on a wild roller coaster ride - one day you still love him, then you hate him, angry, confused ect. You shouldn't communicate with him anymore. Sounds like he won't be happy with his new girlfriend either.

Hi all,
I went up to the house today to get it tidied up and also to get it sorted so that I can rent it out. I am okay with it, thought it would make me sad, it did but not in the way I thought it would. There are memories there and all of that but I think I'll focus on the good and not the bad.
He left some crap behind so have emailed him so that he can get rid out if, not my responsibilty to throw out his junk, he should have done that when he left. He says he'll do it tomorow. Good.
I am going shopping with a friend today, so that should keep my mood level I think
I am not going to worry about him anymore, he made his choice and yes it hurts, one day he wil realise that he should have taken the second chance that I was offering and not take the easy option that for the time being has not baggage. Its all new a fresh that's why it feels good to him. It wont last (as lynn P says).
You can change the place you are in but you can't change who you are, not really. He needs to grow up and be a man.
The new relationship is based on lies and that's not a good foundation for anything, everything will come crumbling down.
Thanks everyone!

Good for you Belle - I think it's a great idea to rent the house- it will be money in your pocket and it will also be good for you to be out of that house. You never know you may want to move back in later. What makes affairs exciting, is the forbidden nature and the fact they share brief exciting time together. When the affairs finally exposed and they end up living together, then reality sets in. They will both always wonder, what will happen when one of them gets bored - who will cheat first Best of luck Belle

The replies are so very nice. I don't know but am pretty sure that their 'relationship' started after we had broken up. She must have been waiting in the wings as such for him to become free.... Don't know if that's the REAL reason we broke up or not.
I am sure though that what we had will always be on his mind - as he puts is our dreams and plans for the future that he threw away. If he couldn't be happy with me (who gave him everything as he says) then what chance has he got with her. At the moment it's new and exciting, give it a month and the butterflies will be gone.
I had a good shopping day, nice to keep getting out and about. Not finished the Christmas shopping yet, I seem to be focused on me and buying cute and sexy clothes that make me feel good

Not a bad nights sleep - talked with a friend until just before I went to bed and it seems to really help alot.

Feeling sort of weird this morning tho. Mark says he couldn't fit all the stuff he was meant to take into his car - says all his stuff from moving out is still in there but that he will get rid of it when he can. I signed up with a property manager yeserday and organised all the landlord insurance so at least the place is ready to be leased out in the new year.

I am ok but have the occasional sad moment - this is one of those I guess.
I do love him but not the same way anymore and I feel like I do actually want friendship for different reasons now. Not to get back with him just to have someone else in my circle of friends that knows me so well.
He says it feels arkward and asked me why. I said he has to figure it out for himself, could be that he's only just dealing with the break up now or that he feels that there are feelings between me and him that aren't resolved.
I felt weird about it before but now I sort of feel just fine. Not planning on being friends that see each other too soon, as it would be to soon LOL but just the occasional text message is nice

I've come a long way and now I can sort of sit back and look at the whole thing from a different perspective... I feel in control of my life and I am enjoying the good mood (the more good moods the less I have of the bad!)

Hope everyone is having happy holidays and that they are all well

*hugs* How are you feeling? I haven't been into this thread in awhile, So I missed out on quite a bit. Just wanted to check in and see how your holding up. By your past few posts, you seem to be doing fairly well.

By what he wrote to you, It does kind of seem like he wants some sympathy from you. Maybe in time if you wanted to be friends then you can. I don't know if he deserves you at all, but if you feel you need another person who knows a lot about you, then that decision is up to you. Anything you chose to do, do it for YOU, what makes YOU happy....Not what makes him or anyone else happy.

Hi BeautifullyMistaken

I have been staying with my parents (where I was before we bought the house) and I have been good. Today I move back up to the house as we have relatives coming to stay a mum's. I'm not coping with it really, it's a sad day where I am back to crying, I think that it's mainly the unheaval and also that it's this time of year.

I have had some contact with him but not much, just text messages. I do want to be his friend as he does know everythng about me and has seen me through some really tough times in my life and I have done the same for him.
He seems to be awkward (his word) at the moment with me, I don't know why but maybe it's just that he's in the first stages of the break up still and doesn't have anyone that he can talk to about it.
I have all the wonderful people here plus a few REALLY wonderful friends that are keeping me busy and letting me talk about it if I need to.
I love him today. Yesterday I didn't and tomorrow I just don't know.
The meds seem to be working and I am eating again which is great plus getting a lot of exercise and going on shopping sprees LOL

I hope that you are well, not too stressed about the festive season.

It's a difficult time of year I think, everyone wants you to be happy but right now I am just being myself and if I feel sad then I am allowing it, when I feel happy then I am in wonder by it all.

Thanks for your post. I really needed to get all of this out and it helps so much!

Going back to the house must bring back a lot of mixed emotions. I can relate to the love/hate scenerio quite well. One day I'm feeling okay that my exbff is gone cause it relieves quite a bit of stress, but then the next day I'm falling apart cause I love/miss her tremendously (she was the only person I talked to about everything on my mind, now she's gone and I don't share my feelings with anyone else). I'll never hate her but at the same time, I won't care as much as I did at one point over the past 8 years. Overall, I think it's for the best that we never speak again though...

At least you have great friends to help you through, especially during this time of year. Holidays suck (for me anyways)! Are you on anti-depressants? That's good that your eating and exercising regularly. I heard that and normal sleeping habits helps, though I can't manage to do any of those.

It is a difficult time of year. I feel I also allow my sadness to take over. What a horrible feeling. But at least you have those days where you are happy. That is what is important.

No problem....I'm always around these boards.

I miss him.... that's the problem with this time of the year. I had plans for our first Christmas in the house and it's gettng me down.

I just want him to be as confused and sad as I am. Does it mke me a bad person?

I don't even know that he is sad, he could be living it up after getting all of it off his chest with the letter.

I don't think that makes you a bad person. He made you sad and confused by the things he has done. He needs to own up to his faults and you have every right to be angry. He could be having a good time, but if he really cared about you at all, he would be suffering even more than you. (Which it sounds like he better be dammit!)

I hope so too! I know he's been having a really bad time at work for the past week (one of my friends works there too) and the added stress is hopefully causing him pain and makes him just wish that he had a comftable home with a loving person who doesn't demand anything to come home too.
I hate that today I still love him and want it all to change. Tomorrow I am sure that I will not feel the same. I just miss him and his company.

Staying at the house was okay. Few memories just bombarded me but not too many so was still able to sleep a little bit.

Christmas - I have had two drinks - first time in 4 years and to be honest it has not made me feel good so am back drinking water. It's not something that i will do again. I wont give in and become the person that I was. I don't want to be. I was happy.

He text me this morning (earlier than he would normally get up so god knows what he was doing) "Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and I hope you have a good day"... It sucks so much, makes me miss him and want him back (have days of not wanting to have anything to do with him and then I feel I do still love him)

He has the link to this forum but I don't care, am not sensoring what I write as this is my out let for everything.

I would still offer the second chance and I just wish he would fight for me, if not in love then as friends

Hope everyone is having a good day, just about to eat lunch over here so am sure to post more later

Quick addition... 5 hours and a nap later I am hungover... I was correct in my thinking that i really don't want to drink. Was silly and irrational to even have a couple in hopes it would pick me up. Am more depressed than ever.

He has been texting me today which makes me happy until I think about him being with her over Christmas

Good morning today
Went for a walk down the beach with a friend at 5:30am. Was just lovely and he's the most understanding wonderful person that I know. Makes me laugh (best therapy of all).
Had coffee after and just sat and chatted for hours. He knows both me and Mark so it's easy to talk with him and also I trust him with my life, heart and soul.

I am okay. Staying at the house is fine. It has memories sure but really I don't think about it much anymore. It's my house now, my investment in the future.

I do still think about Mark but it's different. I am healing, I now know that I don't "need" him in my life. Today I don't even "want" him - in a relationship sense. He is trying to be friends and that's nice, I'll try too when I feel up to it. I love him, what he was not what he is now.

I'm making the decisions this time. I am sure that over time he will fade out of my life (not what I want but I can live with that). If he wants the friendship so much then he can be the one that fights for it. I've given all I can for the time being.

Am sure that there are still ups and downs, but for now I'm level

Writing here is the best therapy of all... which is why I keep adding daily posts

It's Sunday here and I have just gotten back from a walk on the beach again... It's wonderful this time of the morning and the friend I walk with makes me laugh and laugh.
He's like a surrogate father to me in a way but more than that, we like all of the same things and have known each other for 7 years... He's just so easy to talk to.

I am really good today. I only miss Mark for the conversations now, not as a life partner. It's liberating to feel this way today!

Thank god for the meds

Had a good morning down the beach.

Came home and continued to pack up the house. Then I got all sad again, even a few tears. I miss what we had and just know that it's never going to be like that for me again. I have no intentions of opening my heart up ever again (have said it before to myself but this time I mean it)
90% of the time I like being alone now, like my own thoughts and dreams.
Think I'll use this house as equity to design, draw up and build a dream home
I miss his company and the love, he says he loves me as a friend and that's really nice. I love him as a friend too. I am just disapointed in him, like he was a small child that has done something wrong. I wish he had of fought for us like a man.

I'm sure it's just the packing that has brought me down and not that I want him back because I don't really. Not now after all the hurt.

My mother and step dad got back togther 40 years later - after both being married twice in between, so the future can hold wonderful things.

Am going out tonight so that should cheer me up no end