[kacey321]

Here Goes I was encouraged to start my own thread..Asking for help and or some advice/opinions on this craziness I call MY LIFE ..I was married in '03 after dating since 2000,we then seoerated end of '05 he left me after a disagreement with my 20 year old at the same time my 19 year old had started chemo .was DX with Cancer the month prior .This is my bsecond marriage not his children.We have now been living apart almost 4 years and as of last Oct.'08 he got a girlfriend up til that point neither of us had in fact we were still involved up until June '08.His GF has now been living with him for about 4 months now. Neither of us have mentioned or talked about a legal seperation or divorce . I am still very much in love with him despite all that happened he has said he fell out of love with me and says we will never get back together . Maybe I am crazy but I still feel somewhere inside him he does still love me .
Even after I told him in a long discussion how I still felt and know he is in love with someone else he told me "don't assume anything"how am I to take that he doesn't love her ? Well anyway my son has made it so thats good news ,bad news I can't move on ...My husband is definately BiPolar and OCD I know we had a very deep love for one another and the reason unjustified since everything between us was very good ...I was blindsided to say the least....

COMMENTS>>>SUGGESTIONS>>>ADVICE>>>ANY HOPE AFTER ALL THIS TIME >>>>>

[Junerain]

The hope is you, putting you first, I am not sure whether or not you two will ever get back together but concentrate on you and your grown children..

Sounds like you really loved this man, and now, he is involved with someone else, you may have even gotten your self worth from him..

have you ever made a list of good things about YOU, built up your self esteem..

I was hurt when my past relation ended..it is hard, very hard..

Slowly you will build a new life for yourself, i feel, these things take time

Feel free to write more; get it all out, you have come upon a wonderful website that supports, supports, and most of all loves

[phoenix47baby]

I'm with Junerain on this one. It is about YOU and your children and making a life outside of this man. Can you reconcile after four years. A lot can be lost in four years. Be true to yourself!

[kacey321]

I have been trying seems I have good days but alot more bad days....I still find myself crying so hard in the middle of the night ...thats one thing he did do was take my self esteem totally away when we met he was the insecure one pursuing me ,he fell hard for me I didn't even love him until a few months after he said he loved me .I don't know how I just got so deep with him ,must have been I never had before with anyone in my life therefore the pain has been unbearable and nothing is helping.I do see someone every week and she says she can't even figure this man out and she has been a psychologist(PHD) over 20 years or more.
The sad thing is I didn't even love my sons father as deeply and we were together 15 years and had 4 sons together and still are very good friends .I really feel so lost ..

[Junerain]

What is your psychologist's advice to you, and what things did you enjoy previously in your life? Can you get involoved with an interest that you enjoy? Go to church? cultivate friendships? There is a big world out there bigger than this one man, as entrancing as he is it may be hard to fathom at this point..

You have come upon a great website, keep writing, keep getting it all out

[marjan]

honey is hard....I'm with you in your pain...but MOVE ON....that needs time...don't waste more years on him...he's out....don't let him to occupy all your mind and thoughts....it needs effort...then little by little you feel stronger and more secure each day and you will find a better person in your life....
I'm same like you...although, my relationship was just a short term but I have difficulty to let it go....but I'm trying so hard....I know there is no go back....He's with somebody else...and I respect the fact that he doesn't want me....I have to let him go...same thing if I don't want somebody, I want that person to let me go....
Move on...do new things and each time that he comes to your mind, just pray...then you will forget all about him....it needs lots of effort....
good luck
Marjan

[kacey321]

Thank you all..I know its hard to believe I try and when my days are good I feel I can say in my head and even out loud I know I am a good person,deserve someone great who will treat me like I treat others ..then I fall apart again because I think deep down I don't believe it...what makes it difficult about a month after meeting him I had an accident that left me disabled so my life changed all around and can't go back to things I did before ....so in that I have to also blame myself for ultimately building my world around him he was all I had ...so when he left ...my world crumbled...
I haven't any family through the years my friends all moved out of state and my boys are all over 18 now ,my youngest was barely 9 when we first met..

Originally Posted by kacey321

.then I fall apart again because I think deep down I don't believe it...what makes it difficult about a month after meeting him I had an accident that left me disabled so my life changed all around and can't go back to things I did before .

Hi Kacey,

This kind of trauma can make geting out there a bit harder . I have cancer and each day I see why a man would run if I breathed the word.

It was just one more brick on the wall I was working on tearing down . I had hopes . Its just one more glacier to climb . And I don't know if I have any more crampons. left to strap on.

I feel like fortunes fool .

A gratitude list helps .

I agree you must get away from this man or everyday he wil tear your soul to pieces. No man should be bedding another woman while still married.

I've have never been married and I know nothing about the ins and outs of divorse . Or who says no or yes and what that means.

I think you do need to take care of yourself finacially . get a good lawyer and soon ,

The worst thing to do is to cling to someone who gives you double messages .

You don't want someone to feel sorry for you .

I just hope you are being taken care of finacially / If staying married does that for you...

work very hard to maintain little contact and do something each day to build you life up more.

I keep sticking my finger in doors that keep slaming . Its a wonder I can move my fingers .

I do not have a house or a boy friend or family. they are deseaced. I never had a husband

I just hope I can keep working . and right now its very hard .

i want to give up many days.

think of a way to limit your contact.
I came up with something to day that was creative

I do not own a cell phone.
I have land line with no long distance provider

I use a calling card for long distance

I have a PO box thats only open nine to five and closed on the week ends.

Its about five miles from home.

so I mailed my two calling cards to my po box

so It will be very hard to make that call .

Today is day one .

will you join me ?



Patricia

[kacey321]

Patricia THANK YOU from all of my HEART and SOUL you have hit upon alot and brought tears to my eyes tonight ....I do stay "married"for somewhat financial reasons health insurance for myself and my sons he is their stepdad but put them on when we got married he has very good benefits unfortunately if we were to get a legal seperation or divorce all dependents get dropped and if court ordered would only be for me and he would have to pay the cobra amount (he would either kill himself,me or go to jail beore that happened).Even though as you know my heart bleeds for the SOB why I don't know....but I have wasted years ...and as tempted as I have been to call his house when hes at work and chew her out and tell her to find someone else who's not married I don't....sometimes feel sorry for her ..."the wife is still here,even if not in sight or his heart,legally still his wife and if anything happened she would be out in the cold unfortunately as I saw this happen to someone like her who lived with a man for 15 years who was married still and the GF left homeless when he had a massive heart attack ...the invisible wife but still legally the wife got everything ..

I am thankful

I will join you most of the way as to no contact with him except ,I will have to end of Jan. we still file married jointly same address and I do the taxes ....I will get my half need it I figure my youngest will be 23 in 4 and a half years at which time wont be covered by insurance anymore and we will be legally married little over 10 years if he hasn't filed before then I will ....Crazy you think maybe but in my crooked twisted head at least our insurance needs will have been met and my disability check will double can use his earnings after married 10 years and it wont take a penny from him therefor avoiding his possible violent whatever I see could happen if even a penny were to come out of his pocket personally.

I am thankful for finding this site ,thankful you encouraged me to start a post,sincerely look forward to replies....and very thankful to feel like someone is finally listening and hearing me for the first time in years

Kay

Originally Posted by kacey321

...and as tempted as I have been to call his house when hes at work and chew her out and tell her to find someone else who's not married I don't....sometimes feel sorry for her ..."the wife is still here,even if not in sight or his heart,legally still his wife and if anything happened she would be out in the cold unfortunately as I saw this happen to someone like her who lived with a man for 15 years who was married still and the GF left homeless when he had a massive heart attack ...the invisible wife but still legally the wife got everything ..

Hi Kay,

Well I was joining you with the tears last night about my own situation. Not any where like yours . but still sad.

I feel this hurt in the pit of my stomach reading your post. I think its a mixed sadness. What you have shared is not something I have ever thought about but I think its good for any woman to know who may entertain moving in or dating a married man .

Your wanting to call the other woman is not an uncomon response to feelings . Any woman in her smart mind would never get herself in between such a tenuious situation . Shes not too wise . It also sounds a bit volitiale on his part. .

I really don't know what its like to share expenses in a relationship . I think people who do it sucessfully have a better chance at a relationship lasting. It does look like your husband does care and provide for your sons. I'm thinking how I was thrown out of my home with nothing but a bicycle . no insurace and only 18 years old, My parents did not care or help me with the important things in life .

You care about his finances. So your both thinking about each other. I did read a few of your back posts. Thats why I mentioned it sounds like he is giving you double messages. I hope your still not having sex with him.

A woman I know from one of my work places has been legally married but separated for 15 years!!!!!!! Insurance and property stalemate . And she doesn't date.

These kind of things can go on along time. I know from the estate with my brother . 13 years it lasted ... along time to hold out . I gave in and let him have the money my parents gave him for his house that I encouraged him to get. instead of renting .

I was the chearleader in the family . But I really needed a bit back and they didn't know how.

You know what ? I've heard we can't take a u-hal with us when we leave here. I keep forgeting this simple truth. and that we are not going to be here forever .

Day two for me . and holding.

Im glad you felt heard Kay. And it sounds like your taking care of yourself and your sons. Maybe this woman will wise up on her own. I feel sorry for her as well. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.



Patricia

[kacey321]

Hello Patricia...no we stopped having sex last may about 5 months before he met her ...I believe he met someone briefly in between us ending our physical contact and her that didn't last more than a month or two (she was smart didn't want to be with someone who was still married)he said he couldn't divorce me and leave me without insurance for someone he didn't even know and would stick by our agreement that we would remain married until either os us found someone we wanted to marry ...So I am just guessing he must not be sure still with this one even after a little over a year and he just renewed with his company for the upcoming year all of our insurance.

I do as time goes on have to feel sorry for her in a way she would be nothing more but sounds terrible but a paid housekeeper,cook,"companion"(sex) she gets to give everything to him without a comittment or total one anyway except a roof over her head in exchange ....which he could at any moment tell her he doesn't want her anymore and tell her to leave ...doesn't have to go through any costly divorce or splitting assets etc..as I said I wouldn't want to ever be in her place ...and even though I am still legally married and it seems contradicting if I can move on I would never date a seperated/married man ...my hope would be to find an available one to fall in love with tell him my situation and if he accepted the fact I would get a divorce if he were to marry me GREAT..

Patricia I am sorry to hear how your life has played out so far ...I too was thrown out at 16 and told by my mother to never call her mom again but by her first name ,then a year later she lapsed into a coma and I never resolved things with her she stayed in that state 6 and a half years before dying ,and during that time my dad got lung cancer and died before her when I was 20 so at 20 I had my first son and my 16 year old sister to raise,a house to pay for ...grew up fast.....and no relatives or friends ...no one to help.....then 20 years later my son got cancer thank god hes didn't die but that devastated me more than anything ...again i had no one since my husband left me then too ...

Hang in there Patricia hows your prognosises I pray there is hope for you ...

Kay

Hi Kay,

I lost my response due to time limits at Paneras... LOL!

I just want to appologize for not getting back sooner, . My stuff got in the way.

What an unfortunate story . so sad . About your mom and dad .
I want to get this posted because I may nt have enough time to repond.



Patricia

Originally Posted by kacey321

Hello Patricia...no we stopped having sex last may about 5 months before he met her ...I believe he met someone briefly in between us ending our physical contact and her that didn't last more than a month or two (she was smart didn't want to be with someone who was still married)he said he couldn't divorce me and leave me without insurance for someone he didn't even know and would stick by our agreement that we would remain married until either os us found someone we wanted to marry ...So I am just guessing he must not be sure still with this one even after a little over a year and he just renewed with his company for the upcoming year all of our insurance.

Hi Kay ,

Im sorry your in this situation. It would be nice if couples or married people could be "committed " to staying on the bright side . The side of sunny love .

I think My fair lady is comming into my brain. LOL !

I think it is a choice . which has been on my mind lately. but when trust has been broken its difficult to trust again.and go there and stay there.

I wrote something about legal separation vs non leagal . as in couples trying to save money and not hire a lawyer . The poroblems that can come from that .

I went through something like this with My mothers estate and my brother . will share more details later have to go now.

Patricia

Originally Posted by kacey321

he said he couldn't divorce me and leave me without insurance for someone he didn't even know and would stick by our agreement that we would remain married until either os us found someone we wanted to marry ...So I am just guessing he must not be sure still with this one even after a little over a year and he just renewed with his company for the upcoming year all of our insurance.

my hope would be to find an available one to fall in love with tell him my situation and if he accepted the fact I would get a divorce if he were to marry me GREAT..

This is not love is it.

More like your husband is saying I'll keep you around for sloppy seconds if my new main course doesn't quite work out.

Or for finacial reasons in my favor because it will be worse of if we divorse.

This is stratigic manuvering, Not love .

My brother and I were joint executors for my Mothers will.

If I can fix my car myself Il do it befor taking it to a mechanic in order to save money. I ll teach myself if I can. / I started my own buisness that way.

There was very little in my mothers estate and the lawyer fee was 5,000. It was my brilliant idea to recomend we do it ourselves instead of get a lawyer.

we did.

So my brother jumped right on it. When it came time to open the deposit box my mother had importnat documents in .
there was no lawyer present . This all happend within a few days of the funeral.

The title to my brothers car that was in the box was given directly to him. I didn;t even get to see it or know WHY it was held there.

later I figured out it was Because he owed money for his house payments My mother was helping him with.

I found stocks my mother purchaced in a company my brother never had. it was an exersize in a class he was taking . he had my mother beliveing it was going to be real so she gave him front money.

and a promisory note my father made so he would pay back the 15,000 they gave him so he could buy a house.

the house I told him he should get instead of pay the very high rents they had in the Boston area.

I never saw that money and I was never helped to get a house.by my parents.

I was verbally , sexually and physically "threatened" when I asked he pay it back.

If I didn;t sign that no one owed the esteate he threatened to leave me there at the house alone.

I was coersed. and scared.

So I signed.

I halted the process two years later before the final closing check . which lasted 13 years .

I gave in .

so in hind site It would have been better to hire that lawyer .

Rather than handel things without one.

unleagal marriage separtations may not work and could be harmful to one or the other party.

especialy if a spouse threatens another with violence or coersion. due to finaces.

its not love is a war zone .


a marraige is not to imprision another financialy or to hook a man or to hook a woman for finacial benies. But often this does happen.

I hope for your sake , concidering how you feel still about him ,that you can get a legal separtion soon.

Patricia

[tonih]

...what makes it difficult about a month after meeting him I had an accident that left me disabled so my life changed all around and can't go back to things I did before ....so in that I have to also blame myself for ultimately building my world around him he was all I had ...so when he left ...my world crumbled...

Hey Kacey, I quoted this part of your post because I am disabled and have very few friends or family. You have managed without this man for quite a while. It may have been difficult, but you were doing life without him. As someone who knows how easy it is to become dependant on one person, I have to ask, why would you grab back on to something that surely sounds as though it will cause more heartache and further dependance? He has moved on with another girlfriend. Do you really want this relationship because you love him or is because it feels safe. Someone to do life with. Think on it. You may not believe this now, but you obviously can live life without him.......difficult life. Just give this some thought. I sympathize and wish the best of outcomes for you!

[kacey321]

Good Evening/morning Patricia and Toni it may seem I have been doing life without him . In truth I believe I am just broken ,truly broken as people have put it.arely doing life nothing like any halfway normalerson would.I sleep constantly days,up all night,my house has been in disarray and gotten worse and worse ....I know sick.crazy over my love for him and still feeling regardless of him having someone he feels it deep down too ...I believe he may actually be having problems with her now maybe breaking up ...you may think that I'd be hopeful yet it scares me to death because I think even if he said the words I have been wishing to hear ...I don't think he would like the person I have become the insecure scared,sleepless,broken woman that he ended silently creating ......I am also Broke financially on the verge of losing my home I have had for 20 years ,visiting food pantries etc...we have no Christmas tree,neither did we last year .......

I did meet someone recently who is a wonderful man but can feelyself pushing him away ........WAITING for tha OTHER SHOE TO DROP and also not sure if I am ready ....

[Junerain]

Sometimes we let our emotions RULE, I do this all the time, my house is still messy yet I have cleaned it somewhat; I try set boundaries up with my emotions, and I too, have been broken, very broken.....what kinds of things work to mend you? activities you once enjoyed? I put myself out there with my career with teaching children, and it has made me happy to the point of once again tackling getting my home neater, my schedule of sleeping back to normal also..

I hope and pray the brokenness can be mended; that your heart will heal; only you can make this a reality, but I am hoping and praying for you..

[kacey321]

Thank you June ..you must be peeking into my home as well as my heart the first couple years the house was totally let go I seem to buy things I didn't need ...just because even though I was broke(still am) maybe because he took not only my heart,money but he no longer was there either to "control me" maybe in a subconscious way I just cluttered up my house because my "inside house" was so scattered and shattered ,I never slept,my son battling cancer the same year as the first he was gone my younger 2 luckily had each other got each other to school,ate together,did shopping while I was physically here in my room I often thought they would have been better off if I just left.My Psych.told me it would be worse that even though emotionally I was unable to be here for them they still knew I was here in the house and to believe that was meaningful.
I still don't sleep well at all ....M youngest graduated this past May so he made it along with his brother the year before through all pain and vacancy and seeing me in pain from still loving their stepdad who of course they have choice words for..
I look around me now at all the "stuff"and now overwhelmed how did this happen and now say even if he said I made a mistake I love you lets try again I am to scared to even let him see how bad I let things get while he was gone he would be mortified...as I am with myself ...I don't know where to start and can't even think as people say baby steps or one corner of a room at a time .....
Like you I did for a time pick up something that made me feel free and good my camera and even published a book at my lowest point and titled it When Life Feels Hopeless Take a Minute and Look Around....because I can see something outside everyday that can bring a little warmth to anyone s day if they take that minute and look.A bautiful Sunset etc...but I find I am back in my funk badly once again the past few months ..could be the time of year he left me 3 days after Christmas ..

[Junerain]

((((kacey)))

Can you take up photography once again? Please, DO something that means something....ANYTHING...hugs***more hugs***

[kacey321]

I have tried June I did go out in the fall and took some incredible pictures forced myself out as I am finding more and more I don't leave the house am up until 4-8am and sleep until 3=4pm and then don't have anything in me to leave the house even to cross the street to get the mail ...thank goodness for my sons but I am sure they are sick of me depending on them too and they are adopting sleep habits like me if the outside world saw our house habits ughhh at least they are somewhat normal...go out with friends visit with their dad and stay over there ....their dad and I have always remained friends snce our divorce in '99 which helped I think my kids turn out to be very good young men ...
With winter and cold weather here its been getting so much worse this year I almost feel like I am back 4 years ago ((

[Junerain]

(((((kacey)))) just know you are loved here

[kacey321]

Thank You I Need that MORE Than words Can express .....

[kacey321]

How are you Patricia?

[kacey321]

Well another Lovely week (sarcasticly said) I am officially deleting Dec.22 about until probably at least so far dec.28th from my calender forever nothing good has happened in many many years for me this week.Started back in '84 my father passed away Christmas Eve,jump ahead some '93 my ex got a call from his elderly aunt who lived 10 min away on the 22nd she wasn't feeling well at 2 am he got there in 10 min to find her already dead of a massive heart attack(she was an RN ,thought she would have called 911 not her nephew )we buried her 2 days after Christmas,ahead to '99 broke my kids had to find out earlier than I would have wanted there is No santa,2005 my son one month into chemo didn't know if he would be around the next year and my husband walks out 3 days after Christmas,'06 IRS froze my accounts all of them until Feb of '07 claiming I owed them $120.00 yes not thousand hundred(they were mistaken they owed me $20 but still held my assets frozen from mid Dec thru Feb no Christmas again,lets see '08 my husband has a girlfriend last year his first relationship in 3 years since leaving me HOW NICE NOT(by the way we are still married we talked tonight ,sounded like they were fighting ???maybe she'll leave him Justice,Karma,probably not)and this week well I lost my heat the day after our blizzard 2 feet of snow,shoveled out by Monday night,my dog Baby 12 years old took a bad nosedive healthwise and we had to bring her to put her to sleep very very unexpected,no one to come repair furnace due to holidays and snow,Christmas Eve I was alone tired depressed freezing etc.just another week,month etc here no decorations,no presents for the kids,I did get a call someone could look at the furnace today (still freezing ,luckily I have an electric blanket for myself and kids after doing his a couple years back) he could come out for $90 an hour I had to decline no money for him ...well maybe Monday been freezing all week now whats a couple more days right ...I am declaring this week deleted LOL all I can do is Laugh to keep from crying anymore or going completely off the deep end.....

I can only Hope and Pray 2010 will be better ...and I am an Aquarius and its our time supposedly for the next 12 years .......

[Junerain]

(((((kacey))))))

I am going through a lot, too....I am an Aquarius, too...perhaps our time is only coming soon, coming soon...its about freaking time here, been waiting forever for life to go my way **sigh**

((((Junerain and kacey))))))