[Belle1979]

He rang me today to tell me that that he asked Lisa to marry him. He didn't want me to hear it from anyone else...

Long story on the other threads if you don't know my story already.

I'm sad but strangely I feel released...

Opinions please......

[jambi]

If you feel relieved, than it's probably for the best. It's okay, I've felt like that before too, not knowing if I wanted to be in a relationship, then it ended, and I suddenly felt a sense of calm. I've never been in your position, where someone I loved was engaged, but I do know that a broken heart is like no other pain in the world. Time will help.

[hoping4best]

Belle i can understand what u r going through. the man i liked first got engaged n later got married.. he told me this after the ceremony. i was devastated.. wasnt in ma senses for few days. but then i too felt a strange sort of relief. it was like i'd been hanging on to him till he himself didnt get into a serious relationship with someother girl. n so when it happenend it made perfect sense to me to leave him alone. well thats another story that i still find it quite difficult not to contact him,im working on it though

best of luck dear.... trust me u are better off without a guy who has other girls in his life. u'll fine someone better than him. have faith!

Hugs!

Jia Khan.

[Belle1979]

Thanks

I just feel a little strange... All I wanted was to marry him and I waited 5 years (okay so it's not a long time in relationship terms.. but it's 1/2 of my adult life so far.) and he never popped the question... 3 months after we break up and two and a half months into a relationship with her and he's asked her to marry him...
Is there something wrong with me? He 'just feel out of love with me'... so what's that say about me?
Confused to say the least

[sanityseeker]

Hi Belle.... I don't think this says anything at all about you Belle. I says a lot about him but it isn't worth trying to figure that out. This isn't about you. It's all about Mark. Sounds to me he has a lot of unresolved issues and you should be counting your lucky stars to be out fo the maze.

Run with the sense of relief and resist the temptation to make sense of it all. I don't think there is much sense to be made from it all. It may always be one of those things that will always be confusing.

In time the shock with wear off. Take good care of you. Maybe a call to your T would be helpful about now.

Hugs....

[trance]

still an incurable romantic

Hi Belle,

I need to catch up on your whole story...but saw this thread and wanted to say that I am sorry and that I can completely relate. The love of my life married someone else about 6 years ago (they are still together, although we talk sometimes and he does not always sound happy). And then when I thought I had found someone else, he went back to his ex and now I am waiting to hear the same news you just heard (we all work together, ew).

Anyway, I am glad he told you before you heard it from someone else. It also sounds like he doesn't know his new fiancee very well to be engaged to her only after a few months. It sounds like he is going to have a tough road ahead of him. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you...although I have felt (and still feel) this way sometimes. I think you just need to find someone who truly appreciates you for you!

Anyway, I hope that you are able to move on (when you are ready) and find someone who deserves you! They are out there! (So I hear...)

[Pomegranate]

I think you are on the right track and thinking, and feeling, about the whole situation wisely. You feel released. That's good. A relationship take two people working to make the relationship good. When one suddenly wants out and then a mere few months later is ready to marry someone else, that rather proves there was something "wrong" with that person. It may have been as simple as not having the ability to be honest with the other person. Or it could be much more complex and malevolent.

The point being, it wasn't your fault and there wasn't anything you could do about it. Life isn't fair. People, even those we love and think we know very well, can turn strange. We play the hand we are dealt and then move on. Hopefully having learned something about ourselves, and perhaps other people, so we can cope better in our relationships in the future.

[AdamAW]

[quote=Belle1979;1280657]Thanks

I just feel a little strange... All I wanted was to marry him and I waited 5 years (okay so it's not a long time in relationship terms.. but it's 1/2 of my adult life so far.) and he never popped the question... 3 months after we break up and two and a half months into a relationship with her and he's asked her to marry him...
Is there something wrong with me? He 'just feel out of love with me'... so what's that say about me?
Confused to say the least

Well it DOESN'T mean that you are any less a person than her. It just means that it 'wasn't meant to be' with this particular man.

[Belle1979]

Thanks for the support everyone.

I'm doing okay today, Ii think I have realised that he's not the one for me and probably never was.... it doesn't change the depression but I'm stronger now and with the door closed it seems easier to make the most of each day

[sanityseeker]

That a girl!! One day at a time it gets easier and better. Life has many wonderful blessings awaiting you. Keep believing.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

Thanks

I just feel a little strange... All I wanted was to marry him and I waited 5 years (okay so it's not a long time in relationship terms.. but it's 1/2 of my adult life so far.) and he never popped the question... 3 months after we break up and two and a half months into a relationship with her and he's asked her to marry him...
Is there something wrong with me? He 'just feel out of love with me'... so what's that say about me?
Confused to say the least

I know you are in pain and nothing can really ease up the pain that you are caring except time...and all your emotions are so valid....
there is nothing wrong with you....actually, I think he's the source of problem.....wait my friend and be patient....the guy who jumps just so quickly from 5 years of relationship to couple of months of relationship and gets married with the girl, is not a right guy....I can promise you that he won't stay with that girl either....Poor that woman who has to deal with him and lucky you who is out of that relationship while you are still young and you have time to heal and find a decent guy.....
I was here months ago, crying and talking about this guy called Aaron who moved on so quickly and posted even on his facebook that he's in a relationship with the new girl...so quickly like within a months....but guess what? that relationship didn't last even couple of months.....They broke up and he told me that the girl has dumped him.....I'm sure he was doing same things that he used to do in our relationship....
Anyway, my point is that these guys won't change...There is no cure for them....It's just wasting our time and emotion to stay with them.....just let it go....and I'm sure you can manage....even look at it in a positive way.....He was there to show you a way....to show you that you can be strong and when you find that special person, you will appreciate his love a lot....
take care of yourself and try to be good to yourself....and do whatever to not think about him....
If I were you, I would not answer his phone even anymore...What's the point really? Show him that you are strong and you moved on.....
Take care
Marjan

[Belle1979]

Thanks everyone!

I had a bad moment today... but the moment sort of passed.. I still need to write a liitle though.

He still hasn't added me as FB friend... that made me angry but after the 'hot thought' had passed I thought well, why do I care. I do care that's what sucks!

My T said something to me last session and I want to share it. we were talking about Mark and about my other friend who violated my privacy by accessing my face book emails...

My T said "what would it take for you to cut a friendship off".. I didn't have an answer... I try to be friends with everyone who is in my life...

My T said "He has cheated on you, hurt you, betrayed you and still you want his friendship"

It's making me think twice about being so giving and forgiving to Mark. Why would I want his friendship? why would I allow myself to care about being friends with him?

I'm stronger that I have been before but he still has the ability to control my emotions occassionally...

My next goal is that no one can control my emotions but me!

[marjan]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

Thanks everyone!

I had a bad moment today... but the moment sort of passed.. I still need to write a liitle though.

He still hasn't added me as FB friend... that made me angry but after the 'hot thought' had passed I thought well, why do I care. I do care that's what sucks!

My T said something to me last session and I want to share it. we were talking about Mark and about my other friend who violated my privacy by accessing my face book emails...

My T said "what would it take for you to cut a friendship off".. I didn't have an answer... I try to be friends with everyone who is in my life...

My T said "He has cheated on you, hurt you, betrayed you and still you want his friendship"

It's making me think twice about being so giving and forgiving to Mark. Why would I want his friendship? why would I allow myself to care about being friends with him?

I'm stronger that I have been before but he still has the ability to control my emotions occassionally...

My next goal is that no one can control my emotions but me!

I think your T is right....why do you want to be with somebody who hurt you like this?....I think this is more as an attachment than anything else....
Then...What is the meaning of friendship?
Honesty, I think you should be the first one who deletes him from facebook and gmail and cellphone and anywhere else!
I did that....First I kept Aaron on my FB and gmail chat, then I found out I'm getting so obsess about him and checking him what he's doing....then one day, I deleted him from everywhere even my cellphone....then I felt free....
Trust me, once you start dating a good guy who treats you well, you won't even think about this guy anymore! I'm waiting for the day that you post a thread with your smile saying that you have met a wonderful guy

take care and write for you, we are here to help
Marjan

[Pomegranate]

None of us can control our emotions. We can learn, s-l-o-w-l-y, to control how we act or react to our emotions. To learn that you deserve respect is a good lesson. Someone who has treated you as he has does not deserve your friendship.

You can forgive him - FOR YOURSELF, NOT HIM. But you don't have to like him or have anything to do with him anymore. That's the hard part to learn, especially if we think of ourselves as "nice", "generous" "compassionate" and "forgiving" people. You can be all that and still have people you do NOT want to be friends with or have anything to do with. That's respecting yourself. That's loving yourself as much as others. That's having a sense of diginity.

How much longer will the pictures of Mark remain in your profile?

belle, i'm so sorry for all you have gone thru with this guy. i read your threads recently and it sounds very painful, but i think you are handling it quite well now. it may just be harder on you to be friends with him on fb. you might be too tempted to keep up with all that is happening with him and this chick and that would just be hurting you and prevent you from moving on. of course it is going to take time to get over such a long term relationship.

i agree with the others that you need to treat yourself better. i think you may be letting people get away with too much and sadly that contributes to people mistreating you. if someone got in my fb email i would definitely break off the friendship or at least really confront them on it. that is just rude and disrespectful and they need to earn your trust back. they need to prove to you that they are now trustworthy. please don't let people walk all over you because the sad truth is they will if you let them.

[Belle1979]

Hi All
Thanks for the advice. I actually went on a date yesterday - it lasted all day in the end.. lunch and dinner. It was nice but my head isn't ready for anything more. Affection and cuddles are great for feeling better at the time but that's all for the moment.

I had forgotten I had the pics of me and Mark on my profile.... Someone here wanted to see him and that's why I posted them there.... removing them straight after this post. And maybe ad a few happier ones of the past month.

I have removed him from FB.... Figure that it's my decision and it feels nice. If in time he tries to add me then I will be the one to make the decision.

Lots of love to all xx

[marjan]

so happy for you my friend....yes...get out and date and let the date cherish you and tells you how beautiful you are....
You are not ready for any commitment and that's totally healthy....you need your time to heal....little by little....but for time being, just enjoy your life....try it...you can do it...

[Belle1979]

I had a full weekend of 'dates'.. all with the one guy who flew down from the mines up north of Perth..
Friday/night was really nice.. lots of affection.. Saturday night went out with some of his mates that live in Perth. Dinner was good, company was nice and hey it's getting me out and about.
Today (he flew back this afternoon) I drove up into the hills to see him at his property... once again full of affection and cuddles.
I know he wants to see me again and I like him but I don't think it will go any further than just friendship.
He's sweet, kind and caring... treats me wonderfully... My head just isn't ready for a relationship nor is my heart. He knows all of this so we both know that it will be friendship more than anything else.
I don't want a re-bound relationship - someone always gets hurt..

[A_Long_ways]

I'm glad you met someone who's treating you well! You deserve it, and I'm sure even just getting out and socializing is good for your mindstate. It's good to hear he's mature enough to realize you are in a bit of a fragile state right now and respects your desire to keep it at a friendship for now. When you're ready for something, you'll know it, and I'm sure you'll find a great guy that treats you how you deserve to be treated Glad to hear things are going well for you!

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by A_Long_ways

I'm glad you met someone who's treating you well! You deserve it, and I'm sure even just getting out and socializing is good for your mindstate. It's good to hear he's mature enough to realize you are in a bit of a fragile state right now and respects your desire to keep it at a friendship for now. When you're ready for something, you'll know it, and I'm sure you'll find a great guy that treats you how you deserve to be treated Glad to hear things are going well for you!

Thanks A_Long_ways

for some reason today I just feel bad about the whole thing. I wasn't ready to put myself our there I don't think. It was nice but today I feel weirded out by the whole thing... Am glad that he lives a 17 hour drive away...
It was nice but I still need to fix my head and my heart before trying something like that again i think

[Belle1979]

I'm thinking that she is probably pregnant... nothing has been said and I'm probably a ***** for thinking it but... 9/10 I have been right in everything that has happened.

It will affect me because that's where I saw myself being around now.. it was this year that I wanted to start trying to have kids. I guess that I'm still young enough to find myself in that position in the future. At least i hope so

((((belle)))) you still have many, many years to have kids. you know, i wonder if their relationship had really started while you were still with him. i hate to suggest that but i think it might be possible. either way, i think you can do a lot better than this guy. he sounds rather immature. i would bet money that in a few years you will be so thankful that you didn't marry him because you've met someone much better for you.

[sanityseeker]

My goodness.... insult to injury after insult to injury if your speculation is true. As hard as it is absorb all this drama the more distance you get the more you will see the blessings.

As for motherhood you have plenty of time. I was 39 when my precious came into my life so don't be fussing about a missed timeline. One thing I learned in my experience is the importance of picking a father when picking a man. I think a lot of us neglect that very critical aspect of sealing a long term relationship and parenting partnership.

Thinking more about your journey with Mark I can see how Mark represented a healing time in your life. A seasonal friendship for recovery with someone who prepared you and then set you free for a lifetime with someone who is mature enough and stable enough to be the father of your future child's dreams.

You may have some attachment and other issues with your own father that Mark represents and now as you prepare yourself to be a woman and a mother you are moving into a new phase which will require you to find a different sort of man. Otherwise you will relive those same male related issues again and they may not be in your best interest nor that of your children.

I hooked up with and had a child with a man very much like my father and looking back I can see why I was unable to be my own person in that relationship. He needed to let me go after 16 years so that I could find myself again and be the strong, independant and principle centred person he fell in love with. Not to come back to me but to allow me to be me again. He took away my strength over the course of our relationship even though that was not how it started or what he intended. It had been bread into me I think and the similarity between him and my father progressively transformed me into that submissive repressed girl who struggled to please and win approval at the cost of my own identity. I love my father and I love my ex but too much of either of them is not healthy for me. I digressed. Racing brain tonight. Can't stay on track for nothing. LOL.