Addictive relationship

Good morning. Looking for some insight/support on how to disengage from my current addictive relationship. I tried the chat room for the first time today but it was a little confusing. Five people talking at once about different topics! So, maybe this is a better way to get some feedback?

I am sober for over a year now. I have been diagnosed with borderline PD and general anxiety, in April. I am working, financially independent, single and forty. Anyway, this is my third time getting sober since I was 24. Every time I have gotten into an addictive relationship with the sickest guy in the room. This fits my borderline diagnosis to a T.

This time getting sober, I picked a guy whom I instantly felt attracted to, and then fell in love with him, despite all the warning signs. My only salvation was that I was going to codependents anonymous on a regular basis last year which kept me from getting completely enmeshed.

This summer I moved into the big city to become more involved in AA and the sober social scene. Good intentions, bad results. Because I started dating the same guy again after nine months of celibacy. We dated at first in private at my insistence in order to avoid the drama that developed in public last year. after 4 weeks, it was going well, and somehow someone got his phone and saw my texts. so, it became public knowledge to our social group in aa.

of course, it went downhill from there. he became very controlling and jealous and insecure, just like last year. so, after 4 more weeks of drama, we broke up. but, i can't let go. we got back together in private for another two weeks and it was escalating for both of us. i know i am sick and need to let go and walk away. but it is hard because this guy is a central fixture at my night meeting and coffee house, which used to be my main social scene.

this summer, he slandered me pretty badly after our break up, and has threatened me and become malicious. so, i know that i need to stay away from the meeting and the coffee house as well. trouble is, that is the main sober scene here in my town. and i work night shift and the coffee house is open 24 hours, the only one like that. so, i feel deprived.

but, it is my kharma for dating him again, right? i have been going to other meetings and working at developing a new social group inside of AA. so, i am doing the next right thing.

we are currently on a two day break, mutually agreed upon. now it is day three and i am concerned, both about me texting him and visa versa. thanks to this forum and website, i have been feeling alot stronger about keeping my actions in accordance with my intentions this time.

thanks for the support and whatever feedback you can provide.

Serenity, I have no experience in what you're facing, but I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, especially if this man begins doing things that physically hurt you, that I'm here to talk to. I feel for you, and I know how tough all of this must be for you, so I just want you to know that you never have to be alone.

Hugs!!!

I think keep going with the going to other meetings and working at developing a new social group! Too, the coffee house is 24 hours and he's not there all 16 you aren't working? Find a time he's less there to go. Maybe you can start a spin-off group during the day at the coffee house?

Thanks Perna, this is so true. I am ready, able and willing to create my own good kharma, healthy friends, etc. I am a strong, independent, separate entity from my past relationship. And the less I focus on the past, the more I build for the future. No more whining, I promise. Unless i am on the verge of contacting him again, of course! then i will whine with abandon. and you can tell me to stop feeding the bears! thanks.

[QUOTE=SavvySpirit;1473053]Serenity, I have no experience in what you're facing, but I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, especially if this man begins doing things that physically hurt you, that I'm here to talk to. I feel for you, and I know how tough all of this must be for you, so I just want you to know that you never have to be alone.

Hugs!!!

Thanks Savvy,

He is not physically dangerous, he just slandered me and has become pretty verbally malicious. While it hurts emotionally, what is the saying about sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me? I just need to toughen up and make my own happiness. And stop feeding the bears! Thanks for your support.

Just wanted to post a note to say thanks. I have not contacted my ex since 8/22. So, three days. Man, it sure seemed like a lot longer than that. So, now I just have to figure out a neutral way to ask for my key back. I almost used this as an excuse to text him this morning, but common sense kicked in. I guess I also need to anticipate his reaction before I do this, and have my list of key points prepared to keep things on track. Because although I love him, I know that he is going to want to argue, probably going two ways. One, he will say what is the problem? We took an agreed upon time out, let's get back together. Or, he will say who did you date, did you go fishing online for a new guy? Either way, this will deviate into his main rant this summer about people in AA who are "out to get him". Either way, I don't know how to talk to him and not respond in kind because I am a borderline and get defensive easily. I just want an easy parting of ways.

Hmm. Reading this post, a thought just occurred to me. Why do I have to ask for the key back at all? Is this not just an excuse to get in contact with him? Maybe I should just leave it alone, keep on avoiding him, and his meeting. When I have the spare change, I can pay my apt complex to change the locks. Right after I make rent!

Good for you! Sounds like you are doing right for yourself. That is absolutely wonderful.

Just wanted to post before I call it a night. Made it through my day off without obsessing about my ex. Did not text or call. I think that makes it day four. Went to a new meeting tonight, and met some girls for coffee before the group. So, just kept busy, you know? Came home after the meeting and rode the bike for 45 minutes, watched a movie. Continuing to practice healthy behaviors, staying out of trouble, and trying to apologize as I go for any mistakes I might be making in the process! Thanks.

Hi Serenity. sounds like you are doing a good job one day at a time. Keep going to as many AA meetings as possible. As you work the program you will find the healing you are looking for. It may not all be in AA. But whatever it is, in addition to AA will become apparant. when the student is ready, the teachers will appear. Keep going to as many as possible AA meetings no matter what else comes along, though. Replacing an unhealthy addictive relationship with a healthy one aka AA meetings, is probably your best bet now. Good luck !!

((((serenity))))

You're doing really well! Congratulations on making the decision and persevering with it. It may be hard but believe me you will come out of this much better, stronger and with more personal self respect.

Believe me you will be beaming and so much happier to be self reliant until you meet the one you are meant to be with (though you may date). Just allow yourself to heal and get stronger in being sober. What ever else you do or don't do don't allow him to bring you down. Stay strong and know that you have total support from here and when ever you need it. Take care and please keep us updated,

Rhiannon

Thanks Rhiannon and Sunset!

I am so grateful to you. It is funny yesterday was a really busy day for me. I usually don't accomplish all that much. So, I have been pushing myself to get up, get going, get out of the house, get out of my head. And it has worked! This website helps me so much.

This morning I woke up having another imaginary conversation with my ex in my head. You know, the argument that never got resolved? Part of my brain thinks that if he could just get help and get on the right meds, he would get better. And then I wake up, and realize I have been indulging in fantasy land again.

It is frustrating, but thanks to the mood tracker this is not surprising? A period of increased activity (say sub-manic) for several days, good stuff, but this relapse into old thinking should be expected.

This is where I envy those who can tolerate psych meds. I know I can get out of my head, but it is easy to just sit in it sometimes. This is also where I envy those in AA who just jump on the phone and call somebody in sobriety or go to a meeting. The last three days I have been very proactive about that and now today, I can't seem to even text out my usual "Good morning!" message.

Just to let somebody know I am alive and still kicking....

In AA, we say the key to self-pity is to help another person. So, time to hit the new members forum and help somebody else. I know I have nothing to complain about. But, thanks for listening.

Woo! Hoo!

Day five. Had a moment this morning, my heart lept in my throat. My brain seems trained to keep tabs on my phone for texts, just out of the corner of my eye, ya know? Left work this morning and it lit up, and joy filled me. i thought it was him, but no it was a reminder to go to the dentist today. It made me realize how weak i really am, even tho' i am trying to be strong.

This evening when i woke up, it was the same feeling. Checking my phone for texts again. Gosh dang these blasted cell phones! They've got us trained!

But, my only recourse to brooding, ruminating, and getting the blah's is to take action.
So I got out of the house, ran errands and went to a meeting before work. Lo and behold, my mood changed from negative to positive in 3 short hours! Amazing!

Have been reading the forums twice daily, and this helps keep me in check. Thanks to everyone for posting, it helps me stay strong.

HA! Made it through Day Five by staying busy and getting out of my own way!

Also, got to chat online via FB with another borderline gal in the program, and pass it on, as they say. She is so enmeshed! It really gave me perspective. My ex has not contacted me. He has always had really good boundaries about that. I think because he has had issues like this with escalating domestic stuff in the past? He served 6 months for something like that, he says he is not guilty and was set up? I dunno. He seems like he gets angry and yells alot, and is jealous and controlling, but he is sober so although he has a history of violence (beating up other guys) I think he is more into mentally manipulating women to feed his sense of power and control.

But once you draw that line with him, he backs off. I think this last go around we both realized we were both escalating to new levels. We both said some pretty ugly and hurtful things. So, I think the fact that neither of us has broken down and texted the other is a sign that we were both alarmed by how we behaved.

I don't mean to man-bash him or anything, but it helps me to remember, because I
had a weak moment out of the blue about 15 minutes ago. I just got this overwhelming urge to text him. Probably brought on by chatting with my friend earlier. Hence, my second post of the day here.

Anyway, I think that should do it. Now to go help somebody who is truly in need!

I think as time passes and I continue to build my own life, and to get a life, these moments will grow fewer and farther between. One girl in a meeting put it like this, "it is like sitting around and watching your hair grow. You get busy, live your life, and help others. A year later, you have beautiful long hair and you didn't even notice what a pain it was growing it out!"

Serenity, keep doing what you're doing. Soon enough you'll be able to rebound.

Day seven? It has been a week since my ex and I took a timeout. It looks like that time out has turned into a permanent thing. I have noticed my mood has gotten alot calmer, and I have been getting more accomplished, now that i expend less energy on relationship drama/ I also notice that I feel a little sad and empty, perhaps because all that drama was filling up a pretty big void. But, I also have drawn away a bit from my little AA social group. They only go to the same five meetings every week (all the other ones aren't "strict" enough they say). And this bothers me somewhat. So, I have begun going to meetings on my own that are of my own choosing. Gasp! Could it be that I am making mature. independent decisions about what is right for me? Progress!
I still miss my ex ALOT!! I feel stupid posting, but it is 330am and I am at work, and I know that he is probably just getting home and this is when we always used to text each other all night. So, yeah, it doesn't take much for me to have a weak moment. sad but true. so, now enough of me. i am going to read some posts, get out of my own way, and maybe help somebody else.

You sound like you're doing so awesome Serenity!! It's so good to be able to read through these and see how much better you're doing. You truly are on your way to becoming better, and I think it's encouraging how fast it can happen sometimes! I think it's awesome for you that you can recognize the weak moments for what they are and not let them get you sucked in. Also, in time, all the little moments that used to be filled with your ex will become filled with people that mean SO much more to your life. You'll have happier, healthier memories to fill those spots.

Keep it up! Things are starting to look awesome for you!

Well, just got up. Stayed up this morning after getting off work and watched DVD's. Did not ride bike. Mondays are always hard. I guess because I have three days off, and for me, unstructured time is scary. So, it's after 8pm and I just dragged myself out of bed. Missed the 8pm round of meetings.
And I would like to go the the 10pm. Correction, I need to go to a meeting, and that is the last meeting today. I need to get out of the house. I need some place to go. And, I need a social life. If I sit at home tonight I know I will go into a slump.
That being said, I had a weak moment. Surprise. And called him. To get my key back.
HA! Who am I kidding? Man, it is depressing to know just how weak I am.
Anyway, he answered the phone, and says that he threw the key away, plus he threw everything else away that I ever gave him. He sounded really down. I felt angry, but did not say anything. What is there to say? He is opening up the ten, although usually he does not go on mondays, but says it is fine if I go as long as I leave him alone. Which is what I always did in the past, but I said okay. It was a one minute conversation.
So, that was it. Sometimes, I guess there is no such thing as closure. But, it sounds like this is going to have to suffice.
So, I feel angry. Because he doesn't have anything. I mean, I bought him alot of stuff. A set of dishes, clothes, bedding, shoes. He should have kept all of it. But, aside from that, I feel sad. That he could not keep the good parts of our relationship, not just the stuff, but the good that we tried to do for each other. I mean, we did love each other. We did try to be there for each other, as best we could. He reminds me a great deal of my ex-husband, who did the same thing. Why are Leo's like that?
I know it is not my job to figure it out. The only thing I can do is get up, get dressed, and try to keep on living. People make light of my "issues" in AA. They say that everything can be fixed by the twelve steps. Maybe they are right, but it is hard when I am constantly making more mudpies to step in.
Now I have to decide, do I stay away and skip the meeting and isolate? So, that he is okay? I think this is the right thing to do. In AA, they have a saying, "Do the next right thing." It is sounds simple but it is not easy. The right thing to do is to stay away from this guy who is hurting. I am hurting too. All I want to do is hold him and I know that for both of us all this pain would go away. It is not about the sex. It is about knowing that another person cares whether you live or die. When you are dating, and calling or texting each other every day, it is an affirmation of life. It lets you know that you are alive and loved. Without it, I feel empty and invisible. But, this void inside me that I asked my ex to fill, is something that I am supposed to fill myself.
That is the problem. I don't know how. In AA they say that God is supposed to fill the "hole in the soul". I have a really hard time with that. I don't have that. I wish I did. But I don't. I am in a bad place.
For me, the solution is action. Get out of the house, go to blockbuster, call a friend, meet for coffee. I am not going to the meeting. I know it is what I want to do, and therefore probably the last thing I should do. Better to stay home and ride the bike, watch a comedy, and just not create any more drama.
Drama has such a negative connotation to it, but it does create emotions, which lets me know that I am alive. Today, I have to choose another way to let myself know I am still here. What is that song? Alive and kicking? I am alive, alone and hurting. But still here. And not going anywhere.
All I can say is thank god I don't drink. Because in a slump like this with pain like this, before I got sober I would have been in a really bad place and doing stuff that was stupid. Before I would have gone to a techno bar, popped some pills, had a few shots, and who knows where the night would have taken me? Or stayed home, gotten drunk and high, and gotten morbid and suicidal.
But those days of self-destructive behavior are behind me. All I know is, no matter how bad I feel today, tomorrow is another day. My mom called me today and we are supposed to go hang out tomorrow. So, that is something to look forward to. Right now I just need to get out of my own way. Sorry to run on. I am so stupid. But, I knew this day was coming. The only thing that put it off for seven days was this website. And it is still saving my ***. Thanks for listening.

Thanks Savvy,
It is hard to see it. I feel like I have just been sitting on my hands for a week. There is a saying in AA, "Fake it until you make it"? I am also learning that my emotions are just that, emotions. They don't own me. My actions however, are my only belonging. If I continue putting one foot in front of the other, my mind will follow. Eventually! I hope this message finds you well. Today, I am not so well, but tomorrow is another day. Thanks for being so supportive.
I need it. My head is not in a good place today, so it really helps.

Day Nine of Breakup.

Not going well. Calling my ex 3 days ago for my key back was stupid. This triggered three days of short upsetting phone calls that I think is now over. Tonight he called me out of the blue wanting to see me, saying he was worried about me, etc. Luckily, I was with friends because I knew I did not need to be alone right now. Then, an hour later he called me and it was a zinger.

I guess the lesson I learned is that this site helps me when I use it on a daily basis, but when I don't, I backslide. They say it takes 6 to 8 weeks for a new habit to become permanent. Time takes time. I am frustrated and angry at myself today. And tired now, too. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Every morning for the past two days, the first thing I think of is my ex. I then check my phone and hope that he has called or texted me. Yesterday I called him before my eyes were open and I had a chance to think better of it. I felt it was imperative that I call and tell him that I have been faithful to him since the day we met, which I have. He accused me of giving him bed bugs the day before. I was appalled. But could not get a word in edgewise through his cussing and had to hang up.
I should not have to prove my fidelity to this person. I know that he is paranoid and delusional. He has not taken his pysch meds for 3 or 4 months. He gets worse in the summer. He is diagnosed with psychosis but says he has been cured by AA. I know that AA can work miracles for addictions, but for my "outside issues" I know I need more help.
Today I woke up and had two ugly texts from him and then a voicemail, also guarded telling me a friend of ours is getting married (his girlfriend got pregnant) and could my "people" please be polite about it.
I know this is just an excuse to contact me, and that I had to not respond. I also know that I started this round with my idiotic weak moment 3 days ago calling to ask for my key back. In AA we have a saying after doing our 4th step inventory that we are able to see our part in things, so that if we tend to think of ourselves as victim we can realize that alot of the time, we were volunteers. I am definitely aware of the fact that I had made a clean break from this now hostile relationship for one whole week! And then I became a volunteer.
Now I am depressed and angry. Now I have to exercise self-control which lets face it, with my borderline diagnosis, is not one of my strong points. The good news is tonight I go to work for the next four nights so I know I will do better due to the structure that work gives me. Anyway, very frustrated today.

stay strong serenity....

Okay, I called him today.

I was hurting all day, just this constant hunger, a craving to just see him, hold him. It was a bad day. So, I went jogging. Took a shower. Went to a meeting. Went tanning. Got food. Got a movie. Watched said movie. Nothing worked. All my usual healthy "take action" tricks not doing their usual behavioral adjustment. You know, move a muscle, change a mood? I was stuck!

(Where is that famous "resilience" I have been hearing so much about? Oh yeah, I don't have any. Never did. Am trying to build some, but it is slow going!)

So, I broke down and called him, and miracles of miracles, he was calm and rational! Hostile angry malicious paranoid phase complete? And the first five minutes of talk are great, honest, real. I miss you. I love you. Why is this so hard? Why does my body hurt all over? Why is this withdrawal from you always so hard?

Amazingly, he sounds sane, and I am oh so glad. He says he feels the same way. He has been hurting for weeks. He can't get over me. He isn't seeing anyone new. Neither am I. We both can't deny our feelings for each other, it has been 16 months now (off and on), we know this thing is real, long-lasting and permanent. It is heaven. Five minutes of heaven.

Then he gets side-tracked by his famous "List of Grievous Complaints". This takes him over an hour to complete, and involves an in depth and detailed blow by blow (can you say ruminating, repeating, obsessive, fixated thoughts?) by which time I am so angry and frustrated, I want to explode.

Two things about my ex. ALL of his resentments are ALWAYS valid. NOTHING is his fault. I am always at fault. I am crazy and he is not. (Can you say typical Black/White thinking?) PEOPLE are out to get him. He may have to get a restraining order. He wants people to know who his enemies are in case he "disappears".

It is absolutely ridiculous. Not only are his delusions of grandeur annoying (he has a new friend who has been to law school, woo hoo! Can you say taking credit for other ppl's accomplishments? Another typical behavior pattern.) The paranoid fantasy of being in danger is just downright sad, because I know of these "dangerous" arch enemies, they are friends of mine. Oh, and yes, I have "crossed over" to the other side, because I refuse to take sides in high school AA drama.

I also know that last summer was another manic high drama resentment-fueled paranoid hostile period involving a totally different chap and all of his cronies. The point is, it doesn't matter whom he fixates on, either I am the enemy,my friends, other folk, the VA, the govt, the obsession varies, but the moods and emotions he gets to vent are always the same. He is always a VICTIM. And people owe him for all these various threats, and grievous acts of harm (disliking him). He will accept cash, check or charge.

He tried to hit me up for $100 to get the key back to my apartment.(Can you say hustler?) Once a con, always a con. He reassures me he won't rob me, though. Great! Then he tells me he didn't throw out all my stuff, then he says he did. (Can you say pathological liar?) He lied just for the sake of it. To hurt me. That's all. Malicious.

Why does the man I love have to be crazy? I mean, this man wants to go to the police and get a restraining order against people in AA because they don't like him! Can you say typical narcissistic Leo? I mean, I love 'em, but really! Enough with the ego, already! The world does not revolve around you! This man is constantly at war with the world. And with me. And he wonders why we are no longer dating.

Now I am at work and doing better, stronger. Sane. I know I will have to tell on myself later about this call (let's all it a slip). There was some closure, though. We were able to say the things we needed to say, which was that we both love each other and miss each other badly, but we just can't be together because we fight literally all of the time.

It also reminded me of just how sick he really is. Who in the throws of admitted heartbreak would waste over an hour venting about one's personal politics and resentments with the world? How did the conversation spin sideways so quickly from focus on "you and me" to this never ending all consuming war with the world?

Is my boyfriend truly psychotic? I mean, he chooses real concrete ppl to fixate on. I vary from enemy to friend depending on his mood. Usually, this summer I have been the enemy. The stronger I get and more independent I become, the more acts of "betrayal" he seems to find in my behavior (like remaining neutral and refusing to take sides in controversy that he has embroiled and/or instigated.)

I have toyed with the idea of getting him to take some of the quizzes on this website, but the problem is he is so wary of my intentions now, and crazy like a fox! He would also lie in order to skew the test, I think. Anyway, thanks for listening. He just texted me twice while I was writing this, and thanks to this site, I was able to not respond!

I also know that it will take three days of not responding to these texts to undo the backslide that I just did by calling him today. I also have decided that it is time to upgrade my phone so I can block his calls.

I hate to me be mean, but this is about my survival. I have come so far thanks to this site. Depressed "hide-at-home and isolate" girl? Out and about tanning and exercising!? That is a miracle! It has been four years since I felt this good. This upswings don't happen often, I need to ride this energy into a new healthy habitual life of strong self-care. The stronger I am, the better I feel, the less chance of a backslide.

Too many triggers and not enough coping skills.

If someone is not healthy for you, and all they do is criticize you, blame things on you, try to control you, limit whom you can be friends with, question you constantly, threaten you, and they cannot stop, the question is do you feel like you deserve to walk away?

I mean, I love this guy. Downright love him. But, he is just plain no good for me. I know this because I have dated this same "type" of guy three or four times before, and they are all jealous, insecure, controlling, great lovers, and nothing is ever their fault. Everything is always your fault, and it is all a crock.

If someone thinks others are out to get him, harm him, hurt him. If someone is constantly at war with the world. If somebody's life is constantly full of conflict and drama. If someone is always starting drama. If you have seen someone wave a gun in the air and threaten to kill someone. This person may not be good for you. If someone tries to hustle you for $100 to get the key to your apt back, they may not be good for you!

SO, yes I am walking away from the man I love. Sad and broken-hearted? Yes. But, I also feeling as if my eyes have been opened. Last year, I was new to town, and I fell for my ex and his little mind games. This year I am stronger, more independent, and seeing his behaviors alot more clearly. Do you know how many girls in the past month have come up to me and said, honey you know he has gotten like ten numbers this summer alone, right? And, he has a good heart, but what an ego, what drama!

When thirty people all think your ex has some serious mental issues and might be psychotic, and you know he has not taken his meds in oh, 3 to 4 months or more, you might want to WALK AWAY! Change the locks, change your number, and change your mind!

Excellent work serenity! Keep it going and don't give in.

I think I broke the chain today.

My ex called me this morning, and we talked. I made amends for alot of my behavior during the last week we dated. I admitted to my faults, which were mainly that I am cruel and sarcastic. I mean, I can push some buttons!

My ex made alot of arguments and criticisms of me, and I agreed with all of them. This was so unusual for me, he did not know what to say. It was hard to have a fight with someone so agreeable.

Again, I felt we got some closure from it. He asked to come over, I said I did not think that would be healthy for either of us. I said I don't want to backslide. These last 3 weeks of withdrawal have been soooooo difficult. And I am clear-headed now. Calm. Rational. And finally able to breathe through my triggers and count to ten.

I did have to hold the phone away from ear when he started to rant or cuss or lose control and get angry and delusional. After a minute, he would say Hello? And I would say, I am sorry I had to take the phone away from my ear because you were cussing, or yelling, etc.

And then he would stop! And try to calm down. It was amazing. When I was able to be calm, he was able to be calm. I am seriously thinking we might both be borderlines and he might just be PTSD, and not psychotic? But, I should leave the guesswork up to others, and although I suggested therapy to my ex today, he just said, "Talking about it doesn't help."

And went on a anti-psychology rant, that concluded with the fact that I analyze him and act cold and superior. Which I do. And it is awful. SO, then I had to apologize for that. My intellect is my only coping skill. It is my pride. And my arrogance. So, this is true.

But, my intellect also got me to this site. Got me to type my way out of a dead end addictive, abusive relationship. I abused him emotionally, and he came right back at me. We triggered the heck out of each other. And we love each other very very much. The feelings are intense. But, I can feel those feelings losing their intensity.

Every time I tan, I jog, I make a protein shake. I feel my self-esteem go up two points, and my addictive need to call my ex go down two points. Every time I call a friend, which is really really hard for me, I grow a little stronger. Every meeting I make, whether I just hide in the corner and leave right after, I am making progress.

I can see a change. I can feel something is different deep inside me. I still love him, but...it feels different, kinder, less needy. That desperate need is gone. I feel compassion, a certain loving kindness for him. I know that he is suffering and I am the cause, and I feel sad for him. I think if I love him, I will not text him or call him to trigger him again. I feel that I will not need to. I feel a love for myself. I feel a strength inside me.

I hope this recovery is permanent. I know my mood cycles swing. But, I think I have turned a corner to this withdrawal from my ex. He is not first on my mind in the morning. I am not constantly checking the phone. I feel good.

So, I hope to close this thread out soon. Yay! The more I whine about myself, the less time I have to help others. Thanks for all the love. I needed it.

I'm sorry for all the difficulty Serenity. I've had addictive relationships, too, and it's so painful.