Psychological Manipulation

Hi folks,

How do we know when a person is manipulating us psychologically, what are the warning signs??

I have suffered a lot of psychological manipulation in life, starting in childhood, and it has taken a long time to free myself of it. It’s as if manipulators can spot an easy target.

Now I try to spot it quickly and step out of the way.

One sign I have noticed is that a manipulator will sell some course of action to me which is supposed to benefit me, but with no obvious benefit to them. I have fallen for this one loads of times. Then the hidden agenda appears and I realise that there is something they wanted all along. I am trapped in someone else’s scheme. I try to escape and the emotional blackmail starts. Result – misery. When I finally break free I am made to feel guilty for letting the person down, and sometimes they have lashed out pretty hard. In fact, it is this final phase, the lashing out, that confirms this as a case of manipulation, in my view. The manipulator is revealed at the moment their spell over me is broken, and I see an angry face – not someone who really wanted to help me at all!

This example is so obvious that any normally socialised person should spot it, but if we have been victims in childhood we seem to have a blind spot, a kind of paralysis. It is a ‘rabbit in the headlights’ feeling.

I would like to hear of other’s experiences, and other warning signs of the manipulator, as I’m sure there are many varieties of this nasty phenomenon.

Cheers

oh.....my.....Gawd...........i lived in that marriage for 16 long, long, long years. i never knew the trick was coming, til afterwards. i learned that throughout the 16 years that if there was a circumstance where one of us would look bad...he manipulated it so i did. it goes on and on and i'm sure you get the picture. he was an expert, so i have little advice.

Hi Myzen,

I know it all too well.

I have had to learn that most people have their own agenda, and it's almost always not to my benefit. I don't mean the members here, but in general. It's to the point where I trust almost no one, because I don't have all the tools necesary to discern who is being forthright and who is being manipulative. Therefore, I have to stand back and look long and hard at a situation and question everything about it to try to avoid getting nasty surprises.

I don't mean this to sound paranoid. It's just that we as abused children were so starved for love that we lavish it upon people and that is just not normal behavior. It makes us easy targets.

This is a most interesting topic. Thanks.

Cheers,

Jan

You're so right January,

IMHO when we have been brought up with a manipulator, we have this blindspot and we get caught up again with the kind of people that others would avoid like the plague.

I think that we are pretty safe here on PC because our sharing is open and manipulators always trade in secrets and lies. Anyone coming here and playing those tricks would soon be caught out by the wise elders, thank goodness. I've always felt safe here on PC.

I agree with your comment about 'lavishing love' on people. We seem to do that for a pastime. Maybe we think that if we are super nice to everyone we won't get hurt again, but of course the world just isn't like that. Regular people don't need that extra attention and manipulators feed on it.

I would really like to do some work on this thing about spotting the signs.

((((((((((((fay)))))))))) Sorry that you had to go through all that.

Cheers, M

Very good topic, Myzen.
I, like Faye, was married to someone who manipulated: rewarding me for behavior he desired, and being abusive if it was not in his interest. I stayed in that situation for 20 years, too intimidated to free myself.

In terms of friendships, I have been lucky, and only bond with people who, like me, desire open communication and equitable sharing. In my personal attempt at relationships with men, however, I haven't learned to discern. It seems I'm caught up in giving too much, while turning a blind eye to their scheming agendas. Interestingly, now I do not include the last relationship (which brought me to this site) with the Psychology Ph.D. He was actually honest and forthright about his lack of feelings for me pretty much all along. I was just too needy and wanting desperately to bond with him.

I agree that the patterns we learn as children, the invalidation of our feelings, not to mention physical and emotional abuse, sets the pattern.

Have I learned anything from my long history? I hope so, but only time will tell. If, and that's a big IF, I ever meet another man who interests me, I wonder if I will have finally gained a discerning eye!!!

Seeker Patty

I was in an 18 year marriage where anything that seemed shady (like get rich quick schemes that he'd sign on for) was meant to benefit "us" but when they didn't pan out, I was blamed for their failure because I wasn't supportive enough of his efforts. He's a salesman, so he's very good at finding your weak spot to get you to go along with what benefits him most, all the while making it seem as if you'll benefit as much if not more.

I don't know how to spot the behavior all that well yet, so I just avoid meeting men at all now. One, I don't think I'm worthy of a relationship. Two, I'd probably end up in the wrong one anyway.

WI!!!

I don't know how to spot the behavior all that well yet, so I just avoid meeting men at all now. One, I don't think I'm worthy of a relationship. Two, I'd probably end up in the wrong one anyway.

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Hmmm....I think you just described me too!!!

Seeker Patty

It's just that we as abused children were so starved for love that we lavish it upon people and that is just not normal behavior. It makes us easy targets.

january, that is a very interesting observation and i now know why i have done some things in my life....i was seeking validation.

Very good point raised there!! I was in a 7 year marriage, my ex husband manipulated me and wore me down to the extent that I doubted myself in every single aspect possible, I am still battling now actually, as a result, I have gone from one bad relationship to another, inadvertantly going into another manipulative relationship, a lady that I spoke with said that we strangely enough go into another relationship similiar to the one that we 'escaped' from because we have become 'street wise' in way. Isnt life grand?? One person can change the rest of our lives no matter how much we try not to revisit the past. In other words, we are still being manipulated even though we have taken our selves out of the equation. Does that make sense or I am totally nutso?? Take care everyone.

My father = Master Manipulator

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tracylee said: Isnt life grand?? One person can change the rest of our lives no matter how much we try not to revisit the past. In other words, we are still being manipulated even though we have taken our selves out of the equation. Does that make sense or I am totally nutso?? Take care everyone.

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Tracylee,

This is just the point I was trying to get at. The pattern seems to follow us. I've noticed this in my own posts and lots of other posts. It's like we are colourblind about certain parts of life.

If a salesperson comes to the door, we know their agenda, and hopefully we know that their flattering remarks are part of a sales pitch. When the manipulator flatters, we don't spot what they are selling, because they hide it cleverly. Cleverness is the prime weapon of the manipulator.

One manipulative method is flattery, but more toxic is the method of systematic undermining. We are led to believe that there is something wrong with us that only this person can fix, and if we don't accept just what they say, we are being 'bad'. This is a loathsome practise, and it hurts even to write about it.

I think that people who have been hurt in this way can become hopelessly submissive and approval seeking in their lives. Then, if we are very unlucky, we take this approval seeking behaviour straight to another manipulator.

The point of the present post is to remind us all that we can change this pattern, as I believe I have (hopefully).

Two behaviours to watch out for with new acquaintances are flattery and undermining, or both together. One or two flattering remarks is fine, but IMHO we should be careful if it gets too much. Undermining we should take as a definite no no and get out of there.

One psychologist said that we should think of how we feel with new acquaintances. If we feel a kind of 'pull' then go careful. She said that in healthy relationships there is no 'pull' the exchanges are balanced. I know the feeling.

The absolute BEST defence against manipulators is to be in a friendship group of regular people. Regular people feel so different from manipulators, the whole experience is different. Also the groups act as a protection, with our friends vetting newcomers and giving us feedback. We see this happening in TV shows (Friends?) all the time, and my daughter has a great friendship group like this.

Manipulators know this and look for people on the outside, who don't have strong friendship groups. Guess what? Previous victims are often without friendship groups and they are easy targets.This is a hard truth.

Well, at the end of all this, PC is a friendship group and a good one. We don't have 3d contact but our exchanges are every bit as good as an intimate 3d friendship group, in my view. So let's look out for each other.

Good thoughts, M

I went through this and can relate...read my posts...

Yack

Boy did you nail it on the head. Manipulation is such a silent beast. It can be a part of your life before you've realized it. I am still feeling the pain from the recent manipulator I allowed to become part of my life. She seemed like a very nice and sincere person, when all along she was just playing on my emotions to feed her own insecurities. I believe a true manipulator preys on your being. They pretend to have the same likes, dislikes, a way to connect to your spirit and all along it is a total farce. I know in my case I felt like she was "so much like me", so it seemed, however as you stated, they soon "snap".....and lash out and for me, this person told all my secrets to my husband which I confided in her as a friend. You can imagine what I am going through every single minute of every day. She has turned my life inside out. I am slowly trying to make sense of it all but one thing is for sure, I have completely distanced myself from her. She is bad, bad news. I have so much anger inside for her but what I am slowly learning is that I need to step back and be careful who I allow into my life. People can be evil and someone like that is dangerous to be associated with. What is scarey is that they appear to be "normal" but as I think back on many, many incidents involving her, I would have to say that I ignored "all the red flags." I didn't want to believe that someone I thought as a true friend, turn out to be such an evil witch, full of ugly, ugly energy. Once you are manipulated, truly manipulated it changes who you are. I know I am very different today. But I do believe in a better way. I am more humble, I appreciate what is truly important and I am slowly learning to let go of some of this anger and hatred which I never knew exsisted. I didn't think it was possible for me to have these feelings.

Very well put.

Lisa,

I in turn want to say that you understand the situation and express it so well.

The thing that the manipulators do about mirroring and copying is indeed sinister. The person seems to want to become you, but also they are deeply resentful that they are so very needy. So, they seem to project their needs into the victim, but also they project their anger into the victim. The sudden 'snap' or 'lashing out' is such a good indicator of this. So is the hate that comes when you have finally stood up to them and they turn nasty, usually with behind the back badmouthing and 'doing you down'.

Some people call these unfortunates 'psychic vampires' and the Buddhists have a term 'hungry ghosts'. I have a poem in the Silent No More book called 'Hungry Ghosts' which is my take on it.

I think we have to realise that people in this situation are victims too. It is very hard to have empathy for someone who has no empathy for you, and who has hurt you badly, but we have to find it from somewhere or we will be the losers.

I sometimes think that if a dog bites you, you don't get resentful, but are more careful in the future with this particular animal. We expect more from people, especially if they present to us like a friend, and that must be the big problem. If we knew from the start that a certain person could not have a normal relationship, then we wouldn't blame them so much when it went bad.

Something else I have noticed with 'psychic vampires' is that they go on to have more of the same. Future relationships fail in just the same way. I think we know who the real losers are.

Cheers, M

Myzen,

In my 39 years, this was the first time I have fallen under the manipulation trap, hook, line and sinker. At the time my world came crashing down, I was completely caught off guard. I went into a panic state and a depression for what seemed like an eternity but in reality lasted for 2 days. The longest two days of my entire life it seems. This was a turning point in my life, I made the decision to be completely honest, however I no longer live in fear of secrecy. In an unexpected way, it has changed our relationship in a positive direction, opening up doors that we didn't even know we kept closed. But as you know, everything is coming out and it's a long journey to recovery. It never goes away, it's the first thing you think about, all the time.

The betrayal of my "so called friend" is just the added bonus to all of this. She lives in our neighborhood and our children go to school together and in the same grade. That part is akward. I keep thinking I see her somewhere and my heart starts racing and this anger and hatred surface and it's not a good feeling. I'm having a really hard time getting past the belief that she actually fronted me out and told horrible, hurtful lies about me to my husband. Which thankfully he did not believe. How does a person live with themselves? How could deceit and cruelty bring pleasure? I want to understand .....I need to so I am able to move forward and stop obsessing about her. The fact that she was emailing my husband at work for weeks during this time, pretending to care about his feelings, and just being "a friend" to him, all the while making inuendos against me, just baffles me.....A part of me wishes I could get it all out in front of her, but I don't trust her reaction to the truth. At least until I feel stronger and then it may just happen on it's own. I don't know, I have so much going on in my head and the only thing that I am completely sure of, is that I moving forward and it will just take some time to heal from it all.

I don't ever want to fall into this web again, understanding where I made wrong turns and detours is the only way I can make sense of what ultimately was brought into my life....by me. I allowed it, I welcomed it, and I was living it. Who am I?

This is such a good topic..... Maybe this topic could be included in the Psych Central Newsletter.. Be interesting what a Doc would have to say about this........

Lisa,

I think we should never blame ourselves for being caught out by a manipulative person. No one expects it. You have nothing to blame yourself for. If you're straight with other people, you have no responsibility for the way they behave.

What we have to do is learn to recognise the danger signs and protect ourselves, which was the idea behind my original post. We can't read other people's minds, but we can recognise certian patterns of behaviour.

Good thoughts, M

Blaming ourselves.....that is hard not to do when you find yourself vulnerable in ways you never thought possible. And at someone elses expense....But you are indeed correct, recognizing the danger signs along the way and not being to quick to allow new people into your life. I think the difference to all of this is......"Being Real"......and "Just a Real Fake".....and having the wisdom to know the difference. Thanks for all your advice.

agreed!

Lisa, I lived for 16 years with someone that I thought was my friend. One way he manipulated was that he was so "nice"...You felt like a jerk if you suspected that something was "off". After all, he was the nicest person you've ever meet. When I left, I had nothing. No self-esteem, no confidence, nothing. It took a year of really intense therapy to even acknowledge that I was a person. I will not let anyone into my life, because of him. I wish I could get past it, but I can't. Manipulation is one of the worst tools that someone can use to destroy someone else. xoxo pat p.s. my best friend, who was his cousin, spent the night with him. i was more than crushed when i learned that, years later.

I am just managing to claw, kick, and fight my way out of a masterfully manipulated relationship. I never had one of these before, and it has been scary and awful. This man, I have learned, discredited me with my friends, calling me crazy and obsessive, and then made me feel as though I was lucky to be rid of them when I wondered what happened, why they quit calling.

I became isolated and therefore, needed him more. I fell for all his amazing lines and his vision of our future, all the while he was living a double life I have only in the last two months begun to uncover.

I think we all have blind spots, and that even if we are smart, a good manipulator knows how to stalk his prey, finding that very thing he/she knows will work.

All I can say is that I am so glad so many of you are saying "my 18 year marriage" and using other past tense verbs--YOU GOT OUT. I am hoping, and the signs are there this time, that with the break I started 5 days ago--5 eternally long days ago, I will make this past tense stick.

I just finished a really good book titled "Nasty People". This book talks about the worst of the worst, "the invalidator." Manipulation is just one of their tactics.