Scared I am becoming co-dependent

My boyfriend is going away for a conference this weekend, I previously mentioned I wanted to go with him and his response was "maybe" Today he told me he is going and did not mention anything about wanting me to go with him. This has me very sad that he had no desire for me to go with him, it makes me feel like he has limited interest in me and clearly does not want to spend as much time with me as I do with him. I really really hate how relationships make me feel and I really really wish I was content not to be in a relationship like I used to be. I hate how I get so wrapped up in a guy and I feel like I am starting to get too attached. I have no idea where this relationship will go but I want it to last-I just sometimes wonder if he feels the same about me. I am terrible at judging guys adn thought my ex was starting to fall in love with me (based on the way he acted and the effort he put in, but it turned out that he was unhappy and soon broke up with me) so most of the time I have no idea what my current boyfriend feels about the relationship despite his comment yesterday that "I have the uncanny ability to read his mind". I realize that it is only a weekend but I see so little of him now that it just makes me sad that he does not want to spend as much time with me as I do with him. I wish I was not this way-life is hard enough being bi-polar but trying to have a healthy adult relationship is scary. I just want to be in a relationship that is healthy and the guy puts in the effort that I need him to, am I asking too much?

I'm going to assume that this is the same guy from your other thread about text messages? You guys have only been together a short while, no more than three months. Perhaps he wants to take the relationship slow, doesn't want to be taking weekend trips together yet. Especially if he's going to be working the majority of the time he's there. Perhaps he's just worried about finances (who pays for what?) and isn't ready to make that leap yet. My fiance, whom I've been with for 5 years, recently didn't want me going on a business trip with him either. We're trying to save money, and he would be working 12 hours everyday while he was there and we wouldn't get to spend much time together. It was nothing personal; it just didn't make sense.

I think the more important issue here, though, is you lack of self esteem and self worth. You are basing all of your feelings about yourself on feelings that you think others have about you. This is a dangerous road. I've been down it, and let me tell you, what I thought others were thinking about me was usually as far from the case as humanly possible. Are you in therapy at all? If so, have you brought this up to your T? I think this is an area that a T would be able to help you work through. You could also start using positive self affirmations, telling yourself things like "I am a good person and worthy of love." I know there are also self-esteem workbooks and such, but I've never used one myself so can't tell you much about them beyond that they exist.

I think if you work on nurturing yourself and loving and respecting yourself, you will find that you do not depend on the men in your life for positive reassurance as much. It will start coming from within.

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself!

I know how you're feeling. Been there done that myself...a lot.

This early in the relationship, I think you are asking too much. Also, I believe you may be misinterpreting his "disinterest". He probably has no clue how much you want to go on the trip with him because he may not understand why you would want to. A lot of men don't like to mix their work and personal lives. They might have very stressful, demanding jobs and they don't want their loved ones to be exposed to it.

I know it's hard, but try to find something else to do that weekend to keep yourself busy. Make it something really fun and enjoyable for you, so you're not tortured the whole time missing him. Besides, it will give you something interesting to tell him about when he comes back. You want him to see you can be confident and independent even without him around. Find something to do...besides him...and it will keep him interested and motivate him to give you more attention.

I don't think not wanting to go on the conference together means that he's not interested in you! I do think that we want what we can't have though. It would be very different if you were having a girls night in or visiting a sick relative and he wanted to join no? Three months is very soon and but maybe some guys would be comfortable with that-- my last boyfriend asked me to go away with him almost immediately on vacation, like after 2 weeks. But that doesn't mean that there was any more intimacy in the relationship or that he was any more "into" it simply that for him there was no idea that "ooh, you know people shouldn't travel together at the beginning of a relatiosnhip, because they kind of might drive each other crazy!" (That was me, actually, I didn't end up going). I would say go with your gut that wants to be in this relationship right now, though I agree it can be a bit crazy making sometimes. Maybe this guy isn't into doing a lot of stuff together quickly, so perhaps there is someone else out there who moves more at your speed. But I agree with the others, let him go to the conference, as long as he brings back some of the free conference stuff and brownies

Traditionally, females are "nestors" whereas men are brought up to feel that they must be responsible for any family that develops around an intimate relationship. If you are not giving your SO's [significant others] enough space, they can sense your need for moving toward a relationship in which freedom is lost and parties in question must assume all manner of responsibiities. This tends to make them enlarge their personal space [which we are have need for, but some more than others]. If, on the other hand, you DON'T ask to go on trips with him, but, instead use his time away to build other meaningful relationships in your life, you will become less dependent on him, and he will tend to respond to this by wanting more out of the relationship. Additionally, if you are doing much of the "giving" in the relationship, then he doesn't have to give much . . . and won't. You are releiving him of the need or desire to "give" to the relationship. Sad enough to say, we humans tend to want what we are uncertain of being able to have; and to place less value on a situation where the other party is "crowding" us and making us certain of the ongoing relationship. 2 magnets, with opposite ends placed a short distance apart, will tend to jump toward one another. But relationships are like 2 magnets with like poles placed facing each other. Push one toward the other and the other will retreat. Then begin pushing on the retreating magnet and the other moves away from it. In other words, if you use the time away from him to develop other friendships and interests, and give him more space, he will tend to need less space. If he is less certain of you and really does care about you, this increased independency on your part, will cause him to wander why you don't want to be with him as much, and perhaps to wander what you are up to while he is away. This tends to lead to his wanting you to be with him on trips and otherwise. Encroach on his emotional personal space, and he will want more of it. Giving him all the personal space he will ever need, will tend to make him want it less. I concur with the above responders that, as human beings, we tend to want what we can't necessarily have and to try to get away from that which we are sure of and which is leading us down the path to family responsibility. This is not 100% true of everyone, all the time. Long marriages tend to lead to mutual dependency; and there is often mutual dependency at the onset of relationships, when neither party is certain of the other. Get up, get out, and make other friendships. You will feel better, he will feel less crowded, and he will tend to turn around and chase you until such time as you turn aroung again and begin chasing him. Human nature is a female dog - a rather silly one. billieJ

It turns out that he is staying with some friends while at the conference, but I wished he would have said something like "and that is why I did not invite you" etc. I have lots of friends outside of the relationship and tons of hobbies in addition to working full time so when I am not with him I have plenty to keep myself occupied. I think my real problem is that according to my therapist this is probably the first healthy relationship I have ever had adn I have been dating for nearly 20 years. My last boyfriend decided he wanted to be a couple on our third date and we spent most of our time together and he even drove 800 miles of out his way to see me when I was away for work-and we had only been dating 2 months. My two long term relationships were dysfunctional-the first guy and I started spending the night together on our first date and did not sleep apart for almost a year. The relationship after that we fell in love immediately (but had dated in the past) declared we were each others soul mates, he took me to NYC for my birthday after two months of dating, got engaged after three, he pushed me to move in after 5 months s only to have the relationship start to crumble after we moved in together and by the end of our three year relationship I was such a mess that I did not date for a year (by choice) and I still hate him to this day! So you can see that a normal relationship is very new and weird to me and I have no idea how to act or what to expect. I am going to continue to let him contact me half the time but I am also going to try my best not to expect much aside from seeing him 2 times a week (we live 5 minutes away from each other, am I wrong to think that we should see each other more than twice a week? I dont want to see him every day but I think three times is a good amount? I have been having a hard time with female problems and think it makes the bi-polar and insecurity much worse than normal and the hormonal stuff is just too much at times.

Thanks again for all the advice, figuring out how to have a healthy relationship for the first time is very hard and I really need all the help I can get.

Oxymoron; the other person can't ever do enough to please you, only you can do that, their job is to make their life what they want. Spend the time alone to work on your interests and life and living as yourself. You are not just part of a relationship, you're primarily biblioknitter!

Seeing each other 2 to 3 times per week seems healthy to me, especially since you live close.

New game plan: I am done initiating the majority of the plans and I am done calling him first. I am also confused as to his feelings about me-somedays he seems very indifferent and other times I think he really cares about me. I am going to start thinking of him as Mr. Right now instead of someone that could possibly be a long term relationship. Part of me thinks I should just end things now since I feel that I will never be a priority to him while part of me is not ready to give up just yet. He is a professor and his semester ends next week. If he does not start spending more time with me like he said he would after the semester ended than I am going to have to really think if this relationship is a waste of my time. Part of me wishes I had never run into him and started dating him

Woah, this could have been my post. My boyfriend had a work thing the same exact thing happened. I wish I had an answer for you, sometimes I think I overreact or over think things. But I feel EXACTLY the same way as you. When I asked him about it after the fact he said I could have looked it up and came. But he never said he wanted me to come before, he gave me the impression he did not want me to go. "I don't know all the details, location, Its not like I will be able to hang out"
I don't know if anything i'm saying even has a point right now, I guess my point is,
It can be confusing (men/relationships), but maybe we are looking at it the wrong way? Maybe they just dont see things the same way we do? Just because they dont act the way we think they should may not mean they dont love and care about us?
I wish I had more of an answer for you,
I wish you the all the best.

Well Monday night was the last time I talked to my "Boyfriend" he is leaving for the conference tomorrow. He mentioned he maybe could see me Wed or THur but still has not bothered to call or text to say he was too busy to hang out. Tuesday and Wednesday he was watching hockey which is fine but if he has time to sit in a bar two nights in a row he should at least have 5 minutes to send me a text. But NOTHING. I am done with contacting him, his inability to contact me has made it very clear that he does not really care about me or think of me aside from when we are together. It really hurts that yet another guy is not in love with me-I am tired of relationships that do not amount to anything. It is not as if I was looking for a husband-I would like to get married at some point but for now I just want a boyfriend that can spend half the week with. I am sad that this relationship seems like it is not going anywhere-he just does not express as much interest in me as I wish he would. So I am not going to call him or text him or send him a message on facebook. If he wants to talk to me then can put in the effort. If I do not hear from him by the end of the weekend than I guess I will have to realize that he is not longer interested in me. It is sad but I am so so sick of guys who do not appreciate me. I just am tired of dating Mr. Wrongs

Still nothing from him. It makes me very sad that I was stupid enough to think this guy actually cared about me. His actions-or lack of actions have shown me that he does not care enough. I would really like to have a boyfriend but I think I would rather have no boyfriend than the current one I have(?) I just need stability and he cannot give me that. I am just tired of having yet another failed relationship. And even if nothing is wrong from his end and he calls me next week to say sorry I will be too mad at him and will have to be very careful about what I say to him cause if he was to call me now I will do my best not to anwser. God I feel like such a pathetic loser-I have done this my entire dating life-let a guys interest in me control my moods and it is just stupid. And I cannot even get into my therapist till two weeks from now. Maybe I am not meant to be loved in a romantic way ?

((((Biblioknitter)))) How terrible that must feel. I don't blame you for being upset.

Idk if this is part of your relationship usually, but I noticed in your post that he's making a lot of promises to be able to hang out "maybe" Tuesday or Wednesday, or after the semester is over. You know if I were you I would get really busy on those days really fast!!!! Too busy if you know what I mean..

I have to recommend this book "He's not that into you," I know it's so cheesy, I totally scoffed too, but when my roommate gave it to me in college it was pretty eye opening. Basically before that I would always assume I had better time management skills, I could plan ahead-- of course the guy was busier so, of course if he called me up at 8 pm on a Saturday asking to go to dinner at 9 pm on a Saturday, I would feel guilty saying no. Of course, that meant never having things on my term and always waiting for a call which would NEVER come at a convenient time. Basically it helps to set up healthier boundaries for yourself of what you can and can't tolerate. If you don't like how this guy is treating you.... that is your right!!!!!!

Thanks- While I have not read the book or seen the movie that is exactly what i realized earlier today. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt for a week and when his semester is over if he does not make an effort to spend time with me and communicate then I am going to break up with him. I would rather be alone than have a half assed boyfriend.

In my work I have to travel a lot....most times my wife comes with me, sometimes she dosen't if it costs too much. She went with me the last few times this year and then when I went to GA, she didn't go. I missed her, but I was able to get my work done at the conference and not worry about entertaining her. She is pretty much self sufficient and does site seeing on her own, but it makes me feel like I should be going out with her at night instead of staying in the hotel and hitting the books for the next days project. It is a tough call for us guys....we want you with us, but business is business and we need to be making money and advancing our careers. I have 18 more months of training and travel and then my wife and I can party. Right now I don't have time to be distracted. It's not about love, it's about the career. I hope this helps you.

Hi biblioknitter,

Wish I had more advice. But I just wanted to say I can really relate to this. Thanks for posting.

ps. I like your name. I like to knit, but only scarves.

Well I think part of the problem was that I was overreacting (as I usually do) and also the boyfriend is a philospher and really does live in his own world. His semester ends tomorrow and he has truly been preoccupied with work. I did not call him at all. He called Saturday morning and left a voicemail apologizing. I did not call back. He sent a text on Sunday and I replied 1.5 hours later. He called on his way home and decided to come right over to my place and ended up staying the night and it was very obvious he missed me. Once again being bi-polar resulted in me getting upset over nothing, but he was gone and never saw or even knew how upset I was. By the time I saw him I was over my anger and all is well in the kingdom again.

I am so confused that I have no idea what to do. Last night my boyfriend confessed that he is not going to get tenure from his university and therefore will have to leave not only this town but also the country as he is Canadian. I asked what about me if we are still together and he basically said he would not want to drag me into his misery-translation he does not care about me enough to bother. I am not in love with him and I doubt we have a long term future but I do care for him and we do have a good time most of the time. But he is also unable to communicate his feelings with me, cannot make plans more than a day in advance, never compliments me (even though his friends do in front of him) basically I should not be in a relationship with him because it is not going to amount to much aside from me being hurt. But I do like spending time with him and there are not a lot of guys my age in this town. I would be very lonely if I did not have him to spend time with-but at the same time he is causing me a lot of frustration with his inability to communicate or make me feel like he even cares about me. I should just walk away now but I am afraid to.

Well, you don't have much choice but to walk away. He is leaving the country and not taking you with him. You say you're not in love with him, so why not just be long distance friends and correspond every once in a while until it becomes "out of sight, out of mind". It might take a while but if you are getting compliments from his friends here, then there is another guy out there for you.
Good luck and best wishes.

Later that day he sent a text suggesting we take a break (what are we on Friends?) while I agree with him I thought that sending a text was very cowardly so I called him. For some reason while on the phone I told him I did not want to take a break and was fine wasting the next year with him. why the hell did I do that? I woke up the next morning feeling so relieved and then realized that we need to break up. Since I deleted all of his contact info I am waiting to hear from him before we officially break up-but I consider us over. I am going to miss parts of the relationship but he had me more frustrated and upset than I realized and now that I don't have to deal with his mood swings anymore or worry if he is going to call or worry about having a boyfriend that I cannot make plans with three days in advance, I am excited to start a new phase of my life and hopefully start dating guys who are healthy for me and do not just look good on paper.

today I feel very blah. Last night I found myself dreading hearing the phone ring-the opposite of my usual checking the phone every 15 min to see if he had called, so I know I have made progress, but I just do not feel like talking to him ever again. I feel a bit led on that he knew from the start of our relatiionship that he was leaving in a year and he NEVER said anything to me. He even admitted that he was biding his time with me. Now I am just sad that I let myself start to have feelings for him when he is not able to have any joy in life. Not that I am going to cry over him or beg him to stay with me, just the opposite cause I know he was making me crazy, but I am just tired of putting energy into a guy and not getting anything back. While part of me wants to date again the thought of having a physical relationship with a guy makes me cringe and want to hide under my desk. I am exhausted and need a vacation from emotionally draining people.

I am now feeling sad that I am again single and about the start the dating process all over again. I am 33 and tired of dating, it is exhausting and my last relationship was such a struggle to not put in an effort or get emotionally involved that I am drained emotionally and the thought of being physical with someone is nauseating. I am technically still in a relationship as I don't have the desire to call him and end things-though I expect he will do that soon. I will really miss some parts of the relationship like the cuddling, the sex, falling asleep in each others arms, but that is pretty much it-he never once gave me a compliment or told me he cared about me, he was always right and argumentative and negative and honestly I cannot remember the last time I was so relieved to end a relationship. But I am still sad that it is over and that I wasted three months with someone who was never going to be emotionally available or who made me feel happy-somehow the last three guys i have dated all turned out to be very very unhappy with their lives-while this relationship caused me a lot of stress and unhappiness I can truly say that I am mostly happy with my life and I hope and pray that the next boyfriend I have will actually be happy with himself and his life.

Today I feel much better and not sad at all. I finally got in to see my therapist after not being able to get in for a month and he agreed that I seem a lot happier than I have ever been(since he met me) and he tried to warn me that this relationship was doomed from the start. I have also found that I am better able to concentrate at work and am not obsessively checking my phone to see if he has called. We still have not talked but today is his last final so I may hear from him, but I really hope he never calls and we can just move on like I already have.

Today I feel meh. I still have not heard from the "on a break" guy and at this point I really hope he never calls. But some small sad part of me wants him to tell me he wants to stay with me and that he will make an effort. I know that is wishful thinking cause even if he wanted to stay with me he would not make an effort and he can and never give me what I need out of a relationship. But I am slightly co-dependent and really want someone in my life to hold me and make me feel cared about, though he never once told me he cared about me and never will. I am just sick of wasting my time in relationships that start out with potential but never go anywhere and I just end up doing the same thing over. After my ex of three years and I ended I did not date for 1.5 years and I was naive enough to think that I would meet my future husband soon and not have to worry about the ******** that is dating. I just want to be in a committed relationship with a happy guy who is not threatened by me and who wants to spend the remainder of his life with me-that is not asking too much.

Still no word-l completely give up but I am surprised that he did not have the decency to formally end the relationship, I really thought he was above that but apparently he is a coward and probably thinks I was going to cry and he is too much of a coward to deal with it. I had hoped that we could be friends but since he has shown me no respect I have no need for him in my life at all. At least in our last conversation he acknowledged that he was lucky to have me so I proceed with my life knowing that I am a great catch and hopefully the next guy with not only acknowledge that he is lucky to have me but also show me that he knows how great I am!