[NuckingFutz]

Hopefully this will be the last thread regarding my relationship with my sister.

I have been living here since April as I wanted to be near family and also start my non-profit business here as well. I even wrote my sister before I moved that these were the 2 reasons for doing so.

Once I got here, she said that as long as I am living with her, that I won't be able to do that. That I need to get a steady job. When she said that, I felt floored. The unemployment rate in this city is one of the highest in the country 15 percent as compared to 7 percent in Austin. So it took 2 months to find a job.

During this time, I found that my sister and brother in law have no boundaries. Their boundaries and rules must be followed. If I set a boundary, it's ignored (i.e. my brother-in-law grabbing my wrist if I do something he thinks is wrong). I told him not to touch me anymore. Couple months later he slaps me on my knee. My sister has listened in on my phone conversations on her other extension, she's gone through my drawers ( told her not to do that and she said she had a right to do that since this was her house).

She also went to the hospital because she said she had chest pains. She told me not to tell anyone or she would kick me out of her house (I haven't met any friends yet and have no car). As a result I feel I have no rights regarding anything. Even the way I speak cannot have any sarcasim in it.

She knows I am bipolar, but once told and informed, it's like she forgets or something and doesn't understand why I do certain things.

Recently she went through my packed items in the garage and unsealed some things that were not suppose to be opened (I had bed bugs about a year ago and was told to keep those items sealed for another few months). So then the bed bugs started showing up... knowing my sister's behavior, I just treated them with stuff I got in the store and it didn't help. Her maid saw a bed bug and all hell broke loose. Once again, she yelled and threatened me and said you are lucky I don't throw you out.

I got so sick of this toxic behavior I decided to go live in some VA apartments. I told them about it and it was decided that they would decide where I could live and that I should not move to the VA place. It's safe and has guards and it's gated but still in a bad area.

Things have gotten so bad, that I am going to go ahead and move out while they are on their cruise so there will be no room for discussion. Even living in a bad area even though the apartments are nicee and safe would be a welcome relief to me rather than have her throw me out with no way to get around.

I thought my sister and I were close, but in her house, her and her hubby act very different than when they are around others.

I don't know what will happen between me and my sister after I move, and I don't care if they get mad because I won't have to stand there and listen to them yelling at me. I think I could handle seeing her a few times a year and being okay with that. I don't want to break the realtionship off totally but I'm tired of her listening in on my phone calls, going through my stuff, *****ing about little things. I'm tired of not knowing when my brother-in-law will grab my wrist or slap me on my knee anymore.

I am also gay and I was told that I wasn't suppose to let their learning disabled son know I am gay and was told specifically not to bring my friends to their house.

Sometimes I feel like my sister and brother-in-law are emotional bullies, toxic to my mental health. I can't stay here anymore and I can leave in 9 days (will have to take the bus, but that is no big deal).

Looking for validation and support. My other sister has nothing to do with her either which is pretty telling in itself.

To be honest, if it wasn't for my brother-in-law keeping things even, I think my sister would have told me to leave a long time ago.

I also got into trouble with him when I called 911 to take her to the hospital. Seems she likes the IV drugs they give her. She has seizures when she get's stressed also, so I've had to walk on eggshells around her.

I am honestly starting not to like her. I think she is a bully, a biotch, spoiled rotten person.

Am I doing the right thing?

[Fresia]

It sounds like it will be nice to have your own place again, room to breathe, do things your way with some privacy, not be concerned with rules that are not yours to live by and changing rules at that, and to live how you want. Until you are away from it you might not realize the extent of how overbearing the situation is. But given the circumstances, you'll probably find it welcome relief even compared to some of the concerns that worry you about this. Then with regard to family, time away truly too can heal a lot of things with family after living with them, whether you choose to keep her in your life or not. Do what you need to to take care of you and it sounds like you are doing just that! Good luck with the move and getting settled!

[unaluna]

Absolutely doing the right thing. Hopefully you can use the time on the bus constructively, lots of people have long commutes and use the time to their advantage. The gay stuff is absolutely bizarre. Your nephew senses his parents have unresolved issues of their own, that's why he acts inappropriately as you mentioned in previous posts, and they ARE making him vulnerable. You can't live your life down to their standards. Be grateful they helped you, but you don't owe them your life now.

[AAAAA]

You need to have your own space. It is difficult for an adult to move back in with family under the best of conditions. I remember moving back in with my parents when hubby got out of the service. They insisted on it in fact. But while I lived in their house under their roof the balance had changed. I felt like I was treated like a 12 year old. I thought that I would be better with my own adult children, but there were issues when my daughter came home from college for the summer and on holidays. She was used to living on her own, coming and going when and where she pleased. When she moved back in, she was expected to follow the house rules. Where are you going, who are you going to be with, and when will you be coming home.

My point is no matter how much you love someone, living together brings out the worst in you both. Little things are blown out of proportion because you both feel that your living space is violated. IMO living with a stranger is actually easier than living with a family member. You use your company behavior with a stranger, but most people do not feel the need to behave that way with their own family.

Living on your own will restore the balance in your relationship and perhaps once the shock is over, allow your relationship to heal.

I wish you well, NF.

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks. Hanging in there. The majority of the time I will be working or sleeping or attending bipolar support meetings and PTSD sexual trauma while in the military support meetings. They don't know about the trauma I experienced while in the service, so when they freak out about bed bugs, I'm just bewildered. Was advised not to tell them my trauma experience with them or I would be having to reexperience it when I told them. And as usual, when I tell them something, they tell everyone else.

If my sister wants to talk, my t said to just tell her that I need a little more time to think about things and then we can sit down after she comes back from her cruise (at which time I won't be living with her). I'd be willing to talk to her and say hey, you didn't tell me your rules when I moved up here, had you done so, I would not have moved. I was also informed only of your seizure disorder, not all the other stuff like the drug seeking behavior, telling me I can't bring my gay friends home for coffee, and so on.

It has gotten so bad, that if she tells me to move out, I would even go to a domestic violence shelter (yes, her behavior qualifies me to do so, I checked with them), until my VA apartment is ready on the first.

I'm not sure how my sister went downhill so drastically over the years. Watching her try and function is really sad. I do care about her, I just have to do it from far away.

What I am doing to maintain: when not working I am reading up on toxic people (this helps a lot), working on my plan to leave (did all my laundry and it's ready to pack into boxes). Came up with a plan to move my stuff (mostly clothes and paperwork and my computer to my new place) and avoididng my sister as much as possible, and coming here for support. Also have a meeting or two for bipolar and people who experienced sexual trauma while in the military. Only 7 days to go and keeping a countdown also helps. Today I work overtime so that helps as well.

Keep the support coming. I know I can do it no matter what.

[Trippin2.0]

NF, I'm so proud of you for making a stand. Goodluck with your new endeavours I kn0w you will make a success of it. XOXO

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks. I actually had the talk with her and informed her I would be moving out within the next several weeks. She said that they brought me up here, supported me, fed me, let me use their car so I could get a job and that I have brought nothing to their house. No help.

The weeks I spent working on the family business didn't count, the time I spent helping their son doesn't count, the money I put toward food doesn't count, me seeking out my sister to enhance our relationship doesn't count. They wanted me to come in here and if I see something that needs doing, I was suppose to do it. I didn't see anything that needed doing. I also don't cook unless I am in a relationship with a significant other and I didn't cook so I didn't contribute that way. I just let her go on and on and on about it. But the important thing is that I am leaving.

Sister is resentful that I didn't help out more around the house. And that I didn't help the family (like all the times I drove my sister around because she can't drive she said that didn't count because that was expected of me).

Anyway, I lied about where I was going to live because she doesn't like the area I will be living in and I don't want to be forced to live with her.

We both agreed that if we stayed here longer than that, we would ruin the relationship totally.

Also found out my neice has been monitoring any legal activity within the family and reporting back to family. So much for privacy.

I didn't discuss my sister's lack of boundaries and how she violated my privacy time and time again when she listened in on my phone conversations and went through my boxes and drawers and things because I've addressed that before. That's not gonna change. I just need to keep my personal stuff away from her from now on.

My therapist calls this toxic behavior and I agree.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Looking for validation and support.

Hi Nucking,

You have it from me!!! Sorry to hear you had to go through all that. Sending many supportive thoughts your way for your transition to your new place... Just think, you can invite over whomever you want. What a concept -- and no more broken boundaries with your sis rooting through your stuff. Maybe after time goes by, you might even be able to meet up with her for a meal or coffee - then happily go your separate ways.
You have been super strong through out this whole ordeal. You have my admiration for your valiant attempts at keeping up good boundaries. Hope the move goes smoothly. We're here to listen and offer support.
Elana

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

...Sister is resentful that I didn't help out more around the house. And that I didn't help the family (like all the times I drove my sister around because she can't drive she said that didn't count because that was expected of me)...
I didn't discuss my sister's lack of boundaries ...
My therapist calls this toxic behavior and I agree.

Your move sounds like a very good idea, Nucking. You tried, the situation is untenable, and you are honoring yourself by changing what you can. Fresia's post put it very well, and I'd echo everything in it.

The first sentence is a real head-shaker. How can one ever live up expectations if none of them "count"?! It'd be funny if it weren't so sad. Chalk one up to irrational and toxic. Your T is right on the mark with toxic. And with what you've described over all your time of trying, there's a whole lot of it. Not discussing your sister's lack of boundaries with her sounds wise. Especially at this time. Toxic people just refuse to see it that way, justify their behavior and turn it back on you. (In my experience anyway.) You just don't need that right now (or anytime really, but especially now!). You're taking such important and positive steps. So proud of you!

[NuckingFutz]

Just an update (updates help). Sister and brother-in-law are going on a cruise on the 30th. My apartment will be ready on the 3rd. I am counting down the days until they leave (this is day number 5).

I do need to address how this has affected me. I came here hoping to help, to be a good sister and be near family and start my company. I am working for another company (it's okay for now). I also came here happy and strong. Over the course of the past several months I've slowly become drained of my positive energy. Most of the time I am at my sister's I feel numb. I suppose that is a coping mechanisim. The things I use to enjoy I no longer enjoy. I also use to come here to offer support and I just haven't had the energy for that or my hobbies. I can do my job, but the rest of the time I just walk around feeling like a dazed zombie. I pray that a depressive episode is not coming on (I'm taking my meds like I'm suppose to).

I am also in the training stages at work and this will be my last week in training.

I have become so disorganized that I actually missed a t appointment today. Next time I see her, I will be in my new place. At least I hope it will be ready by then.

But no matter what happens, I will be out of her house by the time she gets back from her cruise. I know it's only 5 days, but it seems this toxic relationship I have with my sister knows no bounds. Time seems to stand still.

I will keep you updated as time goes on and I really appreciate all the support you guys have to give.

P.S. I think I am learning why so many people with mental illness have strong family issues because they really don't understand it, don't want to understand it and when it needs attention, well, the relationships get worse.

[NuckingFutz]

An update... I've been here so long that I am definately showing signs of depression. When I'm not working, I am sleeping.

I came up with a countdown of how many more days I have to put up with my sister (5). She goes on a cruse this weekend and I will be moving during her cruise.

But I must say, walking around feeling numb and walking like a zombie with a blank look on my face is the norm these days. My brain just can't seem to register that I only have to see her for 5 more days.

I've learned my lesson on this one. No more living with family. And with me being bipolar, I feel like a freak around them. In many groups I have been in, I've noticed a lot of people with a serious mental illness, are estranged or partially estranged from their family... I think my bipolar has a lot to do with it in my case. My best friend agrees...we have very similiar backrounds and his family treats him the same.

I'll probably come on here and give a daily update as moving time nears closer.

It's so nice to have this place to come to. I use to come and help people, I'd like to get to that place again, just want to feel okay again, just want to reclaim my positive energy.

Thanks for reading this.

[unaluna]

Futz, I am flashing back to my mother's cruise while I was living with her. The morning she was to leave, there was a MAJOR snowstorm, and she wanted to back out. I was SO looking forward to 3 days alone - I didn't realize how much until it was almost taken away - so much so that I dragged her suitcase out to the taxi in my slippers and jammies, in a foot of snow like I was Superman - I flew! The day before I finally moved out, I was having heart palpitations. You're right, nothing we do "counts". I was a basket case by the time I left (3 years), I was so fragile. I had forgotten how to interact with people. I moved back to the apartment complex I had left, and when I saw one of the maintenance men working on the lawn as the taxi drove up, I felt like I was seeing a long lost friend - and really, we hadn't been that close. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. You'll be out soon, i'm happy for you.

Counting the days with you, Nucking and wishing the very best in all going smoothly!

[Open Eyes]

(((NF))))),

There is obviously something wrong with your sister psychologically. While I know you have your issues, she sounds like she has her issues. This move will be better for you and keep in mind that it is a couple more days before you have your own space and try to take out some time to meditate if you can, that will help the stress. The pressure is what is causing that numbness, I have PTSD too and it can be a beast that way when we feel presured. You can't live your sister's life, you are making the right choice, get through it one day at a time and don't catastrophize or allow guilt to come into your mind.

Keep posting here an letting it out, that is really healthy and as you can see you do have a lot of support.

Open Eyes

[NuckingFutz]

Only 4 more days...

and I come home to find my room a cleaned up and pretty. She comes in with 2 glasses of wine and wants to cheer to "sisterly love", personally, I wanted to throw the wine at her.

She had her t appointment today and he musta realized something was horribly wrong and to speak with my sister so that she would bend over backwards the other way. Uh, can I at least have some consistency please?

I plan on seeing her at family outtings but still can't wait to move out.

Life's a little easier tonight, who knows what tomorrow holds.

Doing the meditation on thing and the breathing thing and even monitoring my blood pressure.

P.S. Met a new friend tonight that I had been talking to online. I felt so normal talking to her.

Just keeping you posted.

[Elana05]

You are in my thoughts today.

[NuckingFutz]

Day 3 and it seems we are both distancing from eachother... this is a good thing.

Yeah, my sister has some psychological issues (and everyone knows this).

Have definately learned the world doesn't understand bipolar. Always wondered why we hang out together.

Work is going well and I start my normal shift at 10:00 a.m. on Monday after my sister leaves for her cruise. I start work at 5:00 a.m. so life's been really rough.

Although my sister has done a lot for me (put a roof over my head since April, let me use her car, feed me) this move was a choice on my part. I didn't HAVE to come here. I don't think she sees it that way. I had an apartment and my friends and a life. Just wanted to be near family. I didn't think i would end up feeling less free than if I were in jail.

Still, things could have been worse... I could have acted out. I kept my own counsel, I held my thoughts in, I tried to do what they wanted but I just can't waste my time trying to be and act the way they want me to. This tells me they think I'm not
okay the way I am naturally. And that's okay. When I move, out, I can make my own choices and rebuild my life. Although it's only a week away, it still feels like forever. Still hypervigililant at home here.

Sister is no longer working with me. I guess the effects of her weekly therapy have already worn off. She doesn't seem to understand why I am still standoffish with her... I imagine that divide will never be conquered.

I guess we will get to a point where we can do family functions together and that is fine by me. Can see me standing next to my sister dressed up as a Barbie doll and acting fake... I guess time to accept her for who she is but I'm still trying to figure that out. Maybe I am spending too much time on it.

Anyway, another day has passed and I'm ready to move on soon. Looking forward to taking a bubble bath in my own tub (sometimes it's the small things that count).

[Flooded]

You've done freaking awesome to keep yourself grounded.

I wish you well

[madisgram]

NF, you should be proud of yourself! i am so happy for you to start out on your own again. i always thought i was odd man out in my family. i now realize they are very dysfunctional and used me as the scapegoat. all those many years i just wanted a family to be a part of. now i know it wasn't me at all! i've gone out on my own...only have contact with my son. my life is so much better. i created my new family-wonderful friends who love me for just being me. i'm sure the same will happen to you. keep us posted on your new life.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Looking forward to taking a bubble bath in my own tub (sometimes it's the small things that count).

I've been back in my own place for over 4 years now, and EVERY TIME I take a lovely perfumed bath, which I couldn't do for those 3 years in hell because the tub had been refinished (don't ask me, I didn't get it either), I STILL SO APPRECIATE IT!!!

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks for all the encouragement and support.

Came home and sister was so happy as she splurged on jewelry... she gets the message that she's okay when she buys herself something.

I splurged too but it was on personal hygene stuff like shampoo/conditioner and stuff... so I guess we do have things in common but I knew I was okay before I bought the stuff... still have plenty for setting up my new apartment.

They are also packing which makes me feel better. Everytime I see one of their suitcases, I smile.

[missbelle]

Yeah for you....almost home.....Seven years ago after a breakup in Fl I moved here to Virginia to live with my elder daughter. She has always been my favorite, the brightest, blah, blah.....Well moved in December and moved out in March. Turned out this beloved daughter was very abusive. We always lived in different states for a while and I only saw her on vacations. Turns out she needed a babysitter..me; and a housekeeper..me, and a cook.,..me... She would get mad if I petted the dog or laid on the couch......there is more to the story...but you never know someone until you live with them and thinking you know them does not mean you do....It was sad, the whole thing, but boy was I glad to have my own apartment

Hope things finally get better for you...you have to admit it was quite a ride and another learning experience......darn those experiences anyway!!!!!!!

[NuckingFutz]

Less than 24 hours until I'm free of living with my sister and brother in law. Will still be in there house while they are on their cruise, but I won't have to put up with their toxic bs. They come back next Monday and will be in my apartment by then! Sigh of relief.

[Yoda]