My husband hates my sickness...

Hello, everyone. Just thought I would vent and maybe get some help. The last 2 years have really been hard on my self-esteem and confidence, between the migraines and the fibro- I have lost jobs, and the more you lose the harder it is to try again. I finally became unemployeable and went back to school to be a geek, (already an intermediate geek!) and got a couple of certifications. During this time I met a handsome godly man at a Christian singles site. He was aware of my health problems, and I even gave him a chance to back out, but it was never really real to him until 3 weeks after our marriage this June I came down with a 4 1/2 month migraine. I fought going to get the painkiller shots that make me a zombie. Occasionalloy I would have a glass of wine instead (1-2 glasses never more than twice a week) He would have a glass with me or sometimes without me. He started acting really strange about it. He would fight when I would get a headache, get angry that I needed a shot or would go get one, just angry at the whole illness bit. Those of you have fibro, know that it is a high-maintenance deal. I tried lying to him, and telling him I didn't hurt. Eventually I just snapped and tried to kill myself. That brought me out of my stupidity- I have a lovely child, a son, and I can't do that! I am in therapy, see a GP, neurologist, and family counselor. But, my husband is convinced that I am going to keep on taking drugs, drinking and killing myself. All my professionals know about my drinking habits. Yesterday I had 2 beers and got really sick and my husband said I had to go get an assessment or he was going to kick me out! That was the first beer I had had in over a month. Before that another month. I think my husband sees me the way he saw his alcoholic father. This guy is just really uptight about alcohol. Hopefully I will soon be in pain management and can put this behind me. Thanks for this board!

<font color=purple>Never, Never, Never Quit. -Winston Churchill</font color=purple>

I'm not sure why your message on the forum hasn't been replied to. Maybe others are having a hard time figuring out what to say just like I am. I don't want to sound harsh but I'm getting a gut feeling from your post that you might not be facing up to your problems. Are you really sure that you are not using alcohol to medicate yourself? I do understand fibro. I do understand the constant pain. I do also know enough about fibro to know that alcohol does not help and should be avoided. Given the fact that you attempted suicide.......I truly believe that you should be going out of your way to avoid any kind of alcohol or unprescribed drugs. I find it hard to believe that your husband would demand an assessment if you were drinking as little as you say you are. If that truly IS the case......then he is irrational and you have proven (by your suicide attempt) that you are not exactly stable. Where does that leave your child? Not a good situation. I fear for him. I am sorry if this message makes you angry. That is not my intention. I just hope that if you are not being truthful about your alcohol use.......you really need to face up to it. If you are being truthful......you need to have your husband get help. Regardless......someone needs to be a stable figure in your childs life. I could be totally off base on all of this and if I am I apologize. I just know that I have returned numerous times to your post and each time I read it I got the same gut feeling. I hope your therapy goes well and I hope you get into pain management. I know how draining and hopeless life can seem when you live with chronic pain. Deborah

Hello funkymonkey and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for taking so long in replying. I've had to give some thought to your post and that is the reason for this delayed post.

I don't know anything of fibro and it wasn't until I read Deborah's reply that I learned something of it. Pain sure can make all the things we so easily take for granted harder, of that I am sure.

As for your husband, well I think you were pretty honest with him before your marriage so he shouldn't be suprised by your having pain. A question if you will ... Did he ask about fibro and how it effected you and did you explain it to him?

And of course, one could talk all day long probably and never really show the full effect of what something is until they actually see it for theirself, so maybe even if you two did discuss it in detail, it probably couldn't be fully understood until seeing it face to face.

There's not much in this world I hate, but sickness and pain is something I think is ok for everyone to hate. I'm sorry you are in such pain.

I know we each have experience pain in some fashion or another, but one thing holds true I think, and it is that while it may be easy for one to empathize with one in pain - we cannot fully understand the intensity of that pain - not even if we have that same pain for we each have stronger or weaker resistance to it. I admit, as a guy - I'm a wuss for sure because I can't stand pain of any sort. I have always been positive that women are the stronger sex (and am I ever so thankful men don't have to give childbirth!).

Is there anything available you could take that would not make you like a zombie? I mean, besides alcohol? I know it may work now but am sure it will for a limited time. But my experience with it is, it is a sneaky devil and one that can or is very capable of controling one even before they are aware of it.

For example, now it may be one or two drinks, but the more time passes, so does it's ability to dull the pain, or to have the same effect, and then it takes three or four drinks and so on and so on. I sure wouldn't want it to take hold on you.

I say that, and will admit that I drink one beer a week along with my pizza I have on Saturday night. Sometimes, I will drink two, but only if I am eating. Once or twice a year, I may even pour me a stiff drink of Jack Daniels, but it is random and I never get high and haven't been drunk in ages.

I for one don't view alcohol as being bad - something a Christian or religious person couldn't partake of. For the most part, it is no different than say coffee or soda, for if one were to drink too much of either it would be harmful. It isn't so much as what goes into a person I think as what comes out of the person that makes something good or bad.

The greatest thing against a Christian drinking alcohol in my opinion is two-fold: 1, it could make one look bad should anyone see them buy or drink it, and 2, it has the ability to take control of people if they aren't careful.

So I beseech you to maybe try another method to ease your pain and hope that your husband will be a husband and embrace you, honor you as a husbans should, and support you in your pain.

I surely do wish I could have done more - said something that would perhaps have been of greater assistance to you, but you do have my thoughts and hopes and best wishes. Please do post and reply as often as you can or feel like doing. We would like to know how you're doing and how you're coping.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

You wrote that you are seeing a family counselor--is your husband attending with you? Your counselor should be able to speak with you both and determine whether or not you have a problem and help your husband to understand either way. If he is not willing to attend or take feedback from a professional, then your problems go way beyond his concerns about your drinking, and you need to discuss the underlying issues.

Well, I am went for the assessment and I am going to get help. The medication I am on isn't working very well so I keep going back to the alcohol thing. But, last night I went with my husband to a party and got drunk, when we got home I very abusive. So, he told me get help or get out. They said that I am a binge drinker or a periodic. I don't drink every day or every week, but when i do- I have a personality change. So, I am glad to get help. I feel very alone, I hurt my husband and although he is staying with me he is very bitter and thinks horrible things of me that I will never ever live down. So, I am just going to go get help. I won't get the treatment for the pain now that I am an identified substance abuser. I never abused my meds or anything like that, but I won't be treated with this on my record, so I won't try. Also, I will have to cancel my appointments with some very hard to see doctors and not get treatment for the pain at all because of the outpatient schedule I am on- and they don't allow time off for doctors visits. So, I am getting help anyway. Thank you for your posts, we were in counseling, but my husband doesn't really believe he has a problem, so I will let that alone. It would be a whole lot easier for him to see his own problems if mine weren't so glaring. But, I am the one that screwed up, am a screw up in fact, and may not have much of a future anyway. Maybe he is right about me. Anyway, thanks for your replies.

<font color=purple>Never, Never, Never Quit. -Winston Churchill</font color=purple>

funkymonkey - (((((HUGS)))))

I don't think you are a screw up! Not at all. I think that maybe you've made some bad decisions, but sweetie, who among us hasn't?

I am glad to hear you are going to get help. That is a great and wonderful thing to hear. And maybe, since you've never abused your meds - they will understand and still help you concerning your pain.

I think, and naturally this is just my opinion, that you are beining to feel some better about yourself and that will be a big help to you in recovering.

You hang in there sweetie and fight the good fight - I think you will win. Please continue to keep us posted on your progress ok?

I'll be right over here, in your corner cheering you on.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

funkymonkey,

Hi, and welcome to the forums. I've been dealing with severe cronic pain for several years now, and there's not much we haven't tried. Physical therapy, acupuncture, massage therapy, and of course pain meds and muscle relaxers. When you suffer severe pain, there isn't much you won't try try. I don't know about you, but a good night's sleep for me is 4, 5 hours tops. I can't do simple things like playing catch with my son.

We didn't ask for what was given us, it just happens and we have to live with it. I don't drink, but I do often over-medicate in order to try to cope with the pain. Maybe drinking is the wrong thing for you to do, but living with pain everyday just like you do, I can certainly understand why you do it. A good pain management doctor should be able to help. Be very open and honest with him/her about what you're feeling, and let him/her know right away what does and doesn't work. There will never be a perfect answer, but it can get better.

As far as how your husband reacts to you, I'm sure he feels like he doing these things in your best interests. But I'd be willing to bet good money that a large part of his actions toward you stem from the fact that he watches day in and day out someone he loves with all his heart be in this terrible pain, and there is simply nothing he can do. How hopeless must he feel? So he turns this innability to fix you into anger. He has to have a release. It doesn't make it right, but it is the way it is. You might try talking to him about this if you think that I'm onto something here. I believe when you start seeing the PM doc, things will start to mellow a bit. In the mean time, let him help you as much as you can. And for God's sake, don't take all the blame for this. Yes, you've made some mistakes, but you didn't ask for this illness.

I'm sorry to have rambled on like this, and I'm sorry if I butted in where I shouldn't have. I just felt like we had something in common.

I wish you all the best,

bptoo

"When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."

So sorry for you ills. I understand. For anyone not married yet, this is why it's important to go to counseling together BEFORE you marry... and if they won't or you won't guess what?! And, wine causes migraines. You might also be suffering from silent migraines, where your body is fighting it, you just don't know it. Fibro is tough. Maybe by the time you get this, you are in pain management... it sure helps. AND if they do it right, they have included your spouse in the education process.... your marriage is quite young and very salvageable... good luck.

Dear Sam, (and all!) Thank you all for your great posts. There is some incredible wisdom on this site. I found everything helpful. To answer some questions: Yes, I did explain the fibro to my husband prior to marriage. He had to deal with migraines and pain even before we married. I even gave him the option to "opt out". He wanted to marry me anyway- and said, what kind of person would he be if he didn't take me the way I am. It was very noble, but like alot of our attempts to be virtuous- it fades in the heat of battle. The bottom line is that he withdraws from me if he knows I am hurting- emotionally and physically. He says it is my fault because I am cross when I hurt, but looking back on it- that is the cart before the horse.. I get cross when he withdraws. Either way, I am feeding into the game when I get angry. I don't drink wine anymore either. Alcohol is not a solution in any form for me. I will miss a cold beer on a hot day, but I imagine I will live! LOL

<font color=purple>Never, Never, Never Quit. -Winston Churchill</font color=purple>

Sam! Alcohol is depressing. I think you are drinking too much. Husbands don't like that. I have one that gives me s......t every time I have a glass of wine)

With love to all.

Hello, thank you for your post. Ultimately I did not get sent to a hospital. I still do not drink and am fine with that. I would rather not than have so much grief with my husband. Because I attempted suicide the pm docs will not touch me, so I am just going on hoping that it will get better or I will be given the grace to deal with the pain. I really appreciate the viewpoints that have been given here. It has helped me to look at my problem from many angles. Thank you again....

<font color=purple>Never, Never, Never Quit. -Winston Churchill</font color=purple>

I'm glad to hear that you've stopped drinking. I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble. I have fibromyalgia too. Do you see a rheumetologist? I also attempted suicide in the past but it hasn't made any difference as far as getting treated. Have you ever tried the water aerobics for people with arthritis and fibro? They really help a lot. I know that it really gets old being in pain all the time. I hope you can find a rheumetologist that will treat you. It sounds like your husband could benefit from counseling too, so I hope it all works out.