Husband left me at 8 months pregnant...why?

Sweetie, not corny at all xx
you are coming from a good loving place.
You are quite right...it is not easy to flip a switch to stop loving someone. It took time to get there.

Many hugs
Rose

I know so many posters are very angry and feed that emotion. But I still really feel this is all about a very young imature man who is very afraid of this comitment.
I think he looks down out of fear myself and shame and loss of direction in himself.
I don't think he doesn't love you. Men love differently then women, they just do and he was just not ready for this "having a child" to happen. He probably did not realize it himself.

Ofcourse you can't just "stop" loving someone and I am sure you are struggling with that right now, after all you DID love this young man. And the fact that his family doesn't understand it either, that is a big clue that they are out of touch with him.

What he really needs to do is spend time with a therapist, he obviously doesn't know how to verbalize his reasons for doing this. It just speaks fear to me. It is like he is thinking that if he runs before the child is born the fear in him will go away and it will be like he never commited to this to begin with. He is not thinking straight. I still think of his age and he is still a very young man.

I know that you are hurting, just keep focusing as much as you can on staying calm and giving this time. What your husband is doing has nothing to do with you being unworthy. This is all your husbands issues.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I just feel very pathetic and dumb. I feel like I just want to hug him and comfort him even when he hasn't done the same for me really.

I'm not expecting him to come back, and I am willing to accept that, but I love him. I don't know if that will ever change.

((((AI)))) certainly not pathetic nor dumb...by any means. It sounds reasonable and quite normal.

When we love someone, and they are hurting we do put ourselves aside and want to try to comfort them. Especially if they are our best friend!

Do you want to write a letter to him and tell him that? I think it is normal to want to reach out...I just would hate for you to set yourself up for more pain xx

Hugs,
Rose

I'm afraid I will end up hurting myself. :/

That makes perfect sense. Hey, do you have your T? Can you speak with him/ her about what is happening and about all that you are feeling? It is a lot to keep inside.

Sharing with an impartial third party IRL like a T could prove to be enormously helpful.

xx
Rose

(((AI))),

Most women struggle with their high sense of "nurturing desires". And that instinct can blind many of us to a point where if we don't successfully nurture we "self blame".
And right now all your hormones are on the setting of "high nurturing instincts". Any signal of "an unsafe environment" is very disturbing to any "expecting mother".

What we have that most other animals don't have is enough intelligence so we can identify these emotions and do our best to not allow ourselves to "feed into a sense that we are somehow personally failing". But this doesn't mean these emotions are not going to be present or that we are not going to be challenged by these emotions and sense of "something is not right, is this my fault". And these feelings you have that go from being angry with your husband and yet trying to feel like he needs some kind of nurturing is normal. This happens with so many women and so many women stay with disfunctional men because they "think" they can administer some kind of "nurturing" that will "make things better". We are just designed to be that way for our survival.

As I mentioned, his actions keep telling me that he is scared and the oncoming message in all of this that tells him he now "has" to be grown up and "in control" and "commited" is something he was "not truely ready for". As I mentioned, my huband put me through "his fear of not being ready" as well. My husband was good for a while but he too got cold feet in some deep ways and his answer was to go out and get drunk and try to escape that way. And I was left feeling much like you are feeling, caught between love and anger and very hormonal and frightened myself.

A ton of people can post a whole lot of anger and how much your husband is some kind of "scum bag" and "selfish and thoughtless". But I have not seen anyone who is pregnant post that they too feel the same way as you right now. There are many women that now have 20/20 hindsight that can offer whatever they ended up learning about their "exes" but none of us know "your husband" and can say that he "IS" actually a horrible scum bag.

How about thinking of it this way, if any person takes up a course in school or college and we are going along learning about whatever that subject happens to be and then get to a part that we can't seem to get and face some kind of exam we are not ready for, what do we do? As that exam gets closer we begin to get very restless and we look for a way to "not take that exam we are just not ready to take". This is the normal human brain AI. Any of us can talk a good game about "wanting to be something or master something somehow. But when it comes to that part where we have been trying but yet don't see ourselves "truely able to do whatever it may be" we all tend to withdraw and find ways to excuse ourselves from that experience where we were caught getting to a point where we could no longer see ourselves "succeeding".

When I read your post and recalled my own very troubled experience with my own husband during this same time your are at in your pregnancy, I wondered if he knew what he was thinking back then. He didn't remember or was not in touch with anything other than saying to me that he was just a "jerk". He gets angry about that time period in his life. However, our daughter is a grown woman now and he has a 20/20 of how he ended up managing that experience, that test he was somehow afraid he would fail is way behind him. And he also knows more about "who he is as a person" as well. And for any "young man" your husband's age, the truth is, that they honestly don't know "who they really are "yet"".

When his parents don't know and don't have an answer, when your husband "doesn't have an answer" and looks down or even gets glassy eyed, the reason for this is that he just doesn't "have" an answer. But what everyone doesn't see about him is that he doesn't have a degree, he doesn't have a job/career yet and all he really is right now is a young student that doesn't know "who he is going to be at all yet". And I think that the closer this reality of having a child got, the more he got confused inside because he truely doesn't know "who" he is as a person "yet". I think he just felt like everyone was putting him on a path that he is not ready for at all right now.

I think about how a lot of people watch how horses are ridden and it looks easy, but when they sit in the saddle themselves they begin to realize that it isn't that easy at all. My job in teaching beginners is to make sure they are "slowly" encouraged to allow themselves to do simple things on the horse/pony. I know that I have to have a pony or horse that will take it slow and be completely safe. I know that if that horse or pony does anything to take away that small sense of control in the rider, that student will never come back and be open to learning any more.

If something happens and a pony gets too quick and the child/adult is frightened, I have seen that very same glassy eyed look you are discribing along with not wanting eye contact as well, it is all about fear from what I have seen many times. That child or adult may get on one more time, but, they often do not come back to continue to try to learn how to ride. It all depends on how often in their life they faced something similar and eventually learned how to get past that complete sense of "fear".

Something to ponder and remember not to "self blame" for "his" issues where he is just not truely ready and probably doesn't really understand it himself right now.

Open Eyes

My wife decided that she wanted to “end our relationship” recently. I accepted that things were over for us. And I filed, in order to take some control of the situation. I would recommend that you file, not to give him what HE wants but to protect your rights and the rights of your soon to be born baby.

I know you want him to come back, but is that really for the best?

How do you get over him, that I don’t know, but do know that you are not to blame for his decision.

I know. I am not expecting him to come back.

I'm nothing special, but I do know that I have loved someone with all of my heart and soul and to me, that's enough. I remember all of the good times. I honestly believe he is the love of my life and I am willing to let him go if he isn't happy...no matter what his reasons.

There isn't much one can say to you if you feel this way, despite his abanding you at such a critical time. You may start to feel differently when you are faced with caring for your child alone, while he is out there living/partying as a single male, and that is what he seems to want.
I hope you will find help, emotionally and financially, as you work your way through this.

Oh I know he is doing me wrong. And I have already been angry about how easy his life will be without me and how easy it is for him to move on. But that doesn't change the way I feel. -_- Again, if there was a way to not feel anything, I would find it.

You are very special. He is the luckiest man in the world...he was loved unconditionally. I don't know many people that can say that. And you have the heart and the spirit..you gave him that gift, too.

your feelings are very valid. you cannot turn them on and off like a light switch. it takes time. please be gentle and kind with yourself.

This is NOT about anything you did wrong, Sweetie...

...did you delegate jobs yet?

I do understand how you feel, though my posts to you have been rather harsh. I react this way, partly, I suppose, because I know how it feels to be abandoned when you love someone so deeply. I was young, your age, when this happened, though I wasn't pregnant like you. It left me fearful, and making bad choices in men thereafter, primarily, totally out of fear of being abandoned again and being hurt so badly. I hope this doesn't happen to you. If I were to advise someone in the same position again, I would say take a long time to take care of yourself first before embarking on other romantic relationships. I realize this is not even in your thought processes at this time, and that is good, but you will come to a point where you will want another partner. At that time, whenever it comes, I hope you will have matured to the point where you take care of yourself first, and assess whomever you meet in their aspects of maturity and caring.
Enough said. I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts. I'm sure many here on PC feel the same.
Patty

I know I didn't do anything wrong. I feel dumb for holding out any sliver of hope I have because I still feel like we aren't done. But maybe it's just me who is not done and I am in denial.

I stopped writing him emails because whenever I do(I wrote him 3 times, pouring my heart out) I don't get a response. I don't know if it even effects him.

But I write him a letter every day in a word document so I write him without really writing him.

I feel so sick, stupid, and I feel like such a pathetic sucker. The phone will ring and I'll look at the color id and hope it's him. It never is.

Part of me doesn't expect him to come back to someone like me, but part of me holds out hope that when we got married the love was real and that he might come back.

Right now I just go through the motions of the day, pretending not to hurt. I wash baby clothes, do the dishes, sweep the floor, but inside I am empty. And I feel guilty because I shouldn't feel empty...I have a precious daughter about to be born.

I feel like a monster.

My mother is also yelling at me now for crying and not cleaning the trailer today.

I cant make anyone happy. I would go home but my husband doesn't want me. Now I am forced to stay here but parents and little sister fight and get mad at me.

I am so lost. I don't have anywhere else to go.

No wonder he doesn't want to be with me. I am a mess.

I have nothing to offer in a relationship except my love, loyalty, and commitment.

I guess that isn't much.

(((AI)))
What you had to offer is what many people really want/are looking for. I understand how you may feel like you have no other place to go, but you have to add something very important to all the negetive like that the word YET. Because that is really what is going on you just don't have answers for a lot of these feelings "yet". But, the answers will come.

And by the way, your mother and sister are being short with you because they are just frustrated and don't know how to help you. It doesn't mean they don't care.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

You aren't a monster at all AI. You are going through the motions that any rational human being would go through given such a dramatic and sudden change at such a momentous point in one's life. I would be much, much more concerned if you didn't feel anything.

(((AbandonmentIssues)))

Those are wonderful things to fully share in a romantic relationship.

I know that I can't say much to help you through this very painful time of your life. I honestly wish that I could! You are in my thoughts. I sincerely hope that your pain begins to ease soon.

You aren't a monster at all either. This is an incredibly emotional time of your life, which will continue after your daughter is born. Remind yourself of these facts rationally, when you find yourself becoming angry and self-hateful. In my experience, pregnancy intensifies the emotions that we have. Fear, happiness, sadness, etc are made much more strong than they would normally be. Try not to dwell on the dark emotions and thoughts that pop inside of your head. It's really hard, I know.

You are HUMAN ~ not "perfect", no. But that doesn't mean that you aren't a beautiful woman. Beautiful inside and out! Your humanity makes this experience really hard to go through, especially after the loss of the man you love.

I wish you some sense of peacefulness or ease in the day/night. Take care of yourself and your daughter .

effed up even more royally this morning. I called him. I actually called him.

He proceeded to tell me it was a number of things over the past several months that caused his feelings to change.

-Me not working (I quit due to having some back problems due to pregnancy)
- The house not being spotless
- Our sex life not being as fulfilling (We had sex a lot, even when I was uncomfortable, but I guess it just wasn't porno-quality)
- I hurt his feelings a couple of times (and even though I apologized profusely, I guess he never really fully forgave me)

He threw the d word at me in April, but agreed to work on us and told me it was just the house being cluttered that was getting to him.
I worked on all that I could
In June, he dumps me for good.

He said that those things made space between us and it can't be fixed.

He has no feelings for me left. But he asks me if I've went out on any dates? Why would it matter? lol

I told him I missed him and he told me to not say stuff like that because it just hurts me more. HE told me there are times he misses me but that's just it.
He just said he feels he was too young and that "us" just isn't fixable.



Game over, I guess. I am so angry with myself.

Oh no, do not let him throw the fault on you. Do NOT accept that. He is at fault as well.

No reasonable person gets divorced because a house isn't perfect, that is just bogus crap. He is right on one thing though, he was too young to commit to a marriage and family.

Do not accept the guilt he tries to hand to you.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

You've got to be stronger, not just for you own sake, but for your newborn - especially. Unfortunately, there are lots of single moms out there that had children when they were young, but fortunately there is aid you get and many have raised their kid just fine. You have to grow up fast now, even though you are young, because you are bringing a new life into this world there is no room for self punishment, now it the time to take responsibility especially for your safety

Is trying to reach him constantly helping you cope or actually giving you a sense of hopelessness? There will be hardships on the way just be ready and do what's best for your family. Again, I am sorry this is happening to you, I personally know a couple of older single moms, they've gone through struggles taking care of themselves and their child for years, that's double the work but they've become more resilient

Such a sad situation and I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like he is not ready to settle down and is still very immature. My advise is to ignore him and file for child support and do not take him back as he will most likely hurt you more and more.

Talked to him again.
Really talked to him even though he didn't want to.

He says he wants his daughter, but not me.
Im different, but only because he changed.
He doesn't know what he wants, but he does know for a fact that he doesn't want me.
He wants to be able to be with other people because I am just not for him anymore.
He said we both made mistakes but he just doesnt want to be married anymore.
He told me he was ashamed of what he did(sending me to my parents house and dumping me while pregnant), but he didnt think dragging out the matter and living a life unhappily with me was a good idea...he didnt want to stick around just for our daughter.
He said he loved me when we planned our baby but the feelings just disappeared and my mistakes didnt help things...not that he was blaming me.

He told me he was willing to lose me to find happiness.

He kind of laughed at me and asked what I was trying to accomplish, and if I really thought this would change anything.
I said closure and no.

I asked him what did he want, and he said when he found out, he would let me know.
Told me I should go out on dates to help me get over him, and the only reason he hasnt dated is because he was broke.
I asked him if he wanted to love me and he said not anymore.

I guess I just have to accept that. I don't know if I feel closure, but I do feel something.

But why do I still feel gut wrenching sadness?

You feel sadness because his new feelings don't prevent your old feelings for still being there. When you love someone and they don't love you back, it hurts. When you had a family planned and suddenly he leaves you in the lurch with no support, it's scary and even more hurtful. I think your feelings are not only understandable but expected in this situation. It's what you choose to do from here on that matters. It doesn't feel like it, but things will get better for you.

The thing I would be concerned with right now is custody. He wants your daughter who hasn't even been born yet. I'd address these things ahead of time, since I would have trouble trusting someone who has shown the kind of immaturity he has to raise a baby. I really would contact a lawyer and see what your options are.