Husband left me at 8 months pregnant...why?

(((AbandonmentIssues)))

I am truly sorry. I didn't mean to come across as harsh and hurtful. Thankfully, I've never been in the situation that you find yourself in ~ and I can only imagine your level of pain and confusion. I hadn't considered other possible reasons of your husband's behavior, like those that Open Eyes pointed out.

I wish that I had the magic answer that would make you feel safe, loved, and comfortable. You're just a few weeks from being a mommy. Take advantage of getting sleep now, while you still can. I recall that when I was at this point in both of my pregnancies, I'd get up 2-3 times per night due to pressure on my bladder. You're so close to the end of pregnancy and the beginning of mommyhood.

While being the primary caregiver to you baby is demanding, it's also very special. I wouldn't change a thing about those years myself (which is a HUGE positive statement for me to make, as I have a major tendency to dwell on the negatives). Those times were wonderful in many ways. I want you to be able to enjoy these special times.

Once I discovered Moms Club, I was thrilled! A worldwide group devoted to stay at home moms and their children. The groups are divided into various ages, and have play dates set. It really was a terrific thing for my girls and I. Check this link to see if there are any in your area.

http://www.momsclub.org

Big hugs and gentle belly rubs to you. You're in my thoughts....

((((Shez))))

Boy, this must be so tough. I'm sure your husband had his reasons/issues and I won't call him a bad guy or even a bad husband. But, make sure you have a good lawyer. Not just one that wants to protect you legally and financially, but one who understands what you are going through. You will need money to have this baby on your own but, if he is to be involved in anyway in your daughter's life, you need to keep things amicable. Most lawyers would have no problem ripping him apart in the court systems but this is not necessarily the best move for you and your child....Protect yourself legally and financially, but try to keep your stress as low as possible....just take care of yourself...damn, I'm so angry on your behalf.

He was my best friend. and he is ignoring me... pretending I don't exist. The one person I trusted with all of my heart, and he abandoned me with nothing but a baby belly. No food, home, money, I don't have a job right now, and no transportation.

Now I have to deal with my 18 year old sister...she is jealous that my parents are with me most of the time trying to comfort me and help get me settled into my new place and fix up a last minute nursery. She thinks I should just "get over" him and cut off all ties with his family. (The inlaws are good as gold to me...and plus they are my daughters family too...I cant just keep her from them if they want to be there) She thinks that me being on a forum like this is just wallowing in self pity. She yelled at me and made me sob today.

I can't handle this anymore, the pain-the pressure-the stress...everything in between. If I didn't have this baby inside of me, I'd probably put a bullet in my brain.


I have finally snapped.

Everything your sister said does not make sense, she is not helping you at all. It's best to avoid her if her intention is to hurt you, you don't need any of that. This forum is where people give realistic advice with support and help, because many of us went through difficult times. Your parents have to support you especially now, it would be disheartening if they didn't. and your emotions are way more complex than just 'getting over him'. And he can't abandon you, when the baby comes, he has to be able to support you both, legally. You're lucky to have your parents supporting you through this. Having a baby is not easy, it requires a lot of responsibility, be prepared, stay strong, you have the support

Oh my god, you poor thing. This is the ultimate blind-siding. I wrote a long post, but I'm internet ignorant, and the site logged me off, and I couldn't post what I wrote. I have a suspicion about your husband. I was wondering if he might be homosexual, bisexual, or sexually confused. Something is obviously seriously wrong with him. No one flees like this without having something they are trying to hide. He is hiding and running. One day, it will dawn on him that he NEEDS to be honest with others, and especially himself. Otherwise, he will continue to hurt many many people, and will lead a miserable life full of guilt and regret.
I want to write more, but will have to do so later. Just wanted to throw this idea out there. Yes, you mentioned the facebook girls, but that could just be a cover. Could you speak with his family to gain more clarity about what the heck is the matter with him?
I'm sincerely wishing you some peace even if it's so you can get a little rest. I know you've got to be up at night crying and wondering why......
Write him a letter, this may help you. Don't hold back your tears either. You need to release those chemicals in your bloodstream. Crying is a way to do this. (Researchers have found hormones and chemicals in tears.)

(((AbandonmentIssues))),

I am very sorry that your sister is not being more sympathetic towards you. But she is your "younger" sister and she has no idea what it feels like to be pregnant in the first place (it is a very vulnerable time for any woman) and she also is angry. Her reactions are more that because you are her older sister she wants to see you be stronger as an example. She is angry and wants to get rid of the source of pain, this guy. She wants you to just stand strong and dump him and not get emotional. But that is just because she is angry and cannot "fix" this problem for you.

Unfortunately I can relate to how you feel right now, and there is nothing wrong with you getting some TLC right now, you definitely deserve that. I cried a lot too when I went through my last few weeks of my pregnancy. I didn't have a place like this to turn to, I had myself pretty much and I was very lonely. And being pregnant alone is a lot of work, especially these next few weeks because the baby really starts growing and it is very demanding on the woman physically and emotionally as well.

But what I didn't know AbandonmentIssues is that the child inside me could hear me crying and once I learned that it made me wonder how that affected my daughter. So even though you are struggling and I am sure are feeling very emotional. Please, as best as you can, try to remember that your baby is listening and do your best to do whatever you can to remain calm.

Do NOT allow yourself to think "depression" or " ending yourself" or ANYTHING NEGETIVE right now. Yes, I know this is awful, but this is totally NOT your fault and right now your life has got to be about focusing on what is good for the baby and doing your best to try to put all the other concerns away until "after" this child is born.

Look, no matter how bad this seems right now, life has a way of working things out and opening up to new experiences that can be "good". Honestly?, if there is something wrong with this husband, and you DO break up? Then you will be free of "his" issues. There is nothing worse than being "stuck" with a man that is a Jeckle and Hide or "blames other for his own weaknesses".

Now I still feel that this young man is having serious "fear" issues. Men are designed so differently than women are. Their view on children is very different from a woman's view. All it takes is for someone to say, "well get used to your wife falling in love with the child and you only get left overs "if" she has energy". Sometimes men get very jealous of children because now they have to "share" the limelight and they don't like that. And sorry to say but your husband is VERY YOUNG AND IMATURE YET. He may have at first liked the idea but now is seeing this picture as a major trap and he doesn't really even know who "he" is yet never mind be responsible for supporting a family.

That stone cold look and his urgent need for you to "get out" that is extreme fear and a sense of being trapped. When men are scared/pressured/trapped/anxious they react differently then women, some men get VERY mean when they get scared. And your husband is "running" right now. And this facebook and all the women crap, that is just him trying to find some kind of "comfort" or "option" or "sense of being desired still" or " some kind of encouragement to keep running" or "something to ease his sense of guilt".

Like I mentioned my husband went out, got drunk, snorted cocaine and cheated on me because his reality was "he was scared and wanted to run too". Yes, it confused me too because he was good for a while until that 9th month and he got scared. He looks back now and he is very angry about how he was, he says right out that he was a stupid jerk.

I was with a lot of children today, 1,2,3,4,5 year olds. I wish you were there so you could see how cute these children were. How their eyes were wide with curiosity all their little personalities too. They were each unique pieces of art work, each one with different personalities too. And one little girl that was such a happy child. There were little red heads, blondes, brunettes, light skined, dark skinned, all different, yet each one amazing. And this is what you need to think about now, this amazing little person that YOU are giving life to. It is such a gift and adventure. This is what you need to really focus on right now.

All the other things, let them go right now, just focus on this new life. Do NOT let yourself fall into any kind despair right now, just take this one day at a time and tell yourself, it will just all work out somehow, right now, this, this little child is THE MOST IMPORTANT right now.

Open Eyes

Here is something to think about.

what babies learn before they're born I hope this comes up if you click on it. But it is something you should be thinking about now.

As I do know that you are struggling. You must remember that you did make a choice and now "you" have to be strong, even though it is a challenge. Having a child is a serious commitment, a wonderful experience too. And a big problem with many now is that this decision was not thought out enough.
Well, we all have to change that and realize that it is a big responsibilty.

We are still here to support you and offer you some TLC while you bravely move forward and keep in mind what is the priority right now. One day at a time is my motto.

Open Eyes

I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. Please remember you are also hormonal so the pain is intensified greatly.
If you can, PLEASE, remember you must think about and care for you and that baby. I know you are hurting, scared, and angry but this will get easier.
Try to NOT think of him...think of you! Love you and that child.
My suggestion is not to look into what he is doing. I know it goes against every gut instict you might have, however, remember hes going to do what hes going to do, regardless of whether you know about it. Try to remain calm. Try to sleep and rest while you can.
Many hugs

I dont get my stbxh.

Why is he ignoring me, why is he the one acting all butthurt...he doesn't want to talk to me and it's like he doesnt even want to discuss the divorce HE wants. (All I want to do is talk about the parenting plan for our unborn daughter) He is the one who left!

His family even told me he acts like nothing is going on and he wont mention anything about it.

What? My give-a-damn is about to bust.



In other news I finished my nursery. and I'm trying to get my new place together. It hasn't really brought me joy...but oh well.

(((AbandonmentIssues)))

It sounds as though your (soon to be) ex is in denial. Avoiding you, talking about the divorce, and avoiding talking about the baby has DENIAL written all over it.

Does he use drugs or alcohol? Drugs like meth, crack, or hallucinogens? Does he appear to be extremely aware of his surroundings, or the complete opposite? Is he able to hold a normal conversation? (Even though he's avoiding talking about everything in your marriage, can he hold an intelligent conversation about other issues?)

Back further in your relationship...was your hub happy when you became pregnant? Was he excited? Did he accompany you to all appointments with your OB? (Btw, have you told your OB about this change in relationship? If not, do so on Monday morning. I'd imagine that your plans for birth assistance has changed a bit.)

Was his change in mood towards you gradual or completely sudden? I can't recall if you mentioned it before. I do remember you saying that he felt uncomfortable with you sexually as the baby grew. He was afraid that he would be hurting the baby through lovemaking. Did he ever put his hands on your belly and enjoy feeling the baby move around, or was it freaky to him?

Something is standing out to me, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe these Q's and A's will make it all a little more clear to us. I hope so!

He does drink, but I dont know how much right now. The last time I talked he was able to hold a conversation but you could tell he didnt want to talk. His change was all the sudden when I was around 20 weeks pregnant, but it gradually got worse after that.

He was never afraid to have sex. He wanted it but it was always very uncomfortable for me as I grew bigger, but we always did the deed through other ways, if you know what i mean.

He put his hand on my belly a few times, but when the baby would poke out(it would make my belly lopsided) he joked that it was creepy.

I thought he was very excited, he planned this baby with me.

Which is why I dont get his sudden silence.

I dont know why he'd be in denial over a divorce he asked for.

((((A)))) i know you are in a great deal of emotional pain right now and feeling heartbroken and confused. I think it is perfectly natural for you to want to make sense of something so incredibly senseless.

Sweetie, I dont think you are going to get the answers right now for which you seek. The truth WILL be revealed in time...please take some comfort in that so you can focus on just you and your beautiful baby.

Only you matter right now. You and the health and well being of your baby. Let your friends and family into your heart and life. Let them be there for you.

Eventually you will come to learn the real reasons for your Hs behavior / actions. But for now try to let them go.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE THE SAME WONDERFUL, LOVELY WOMAN YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. NOTHING HAS CHANGED THERE.

Please try to rest and find calm and peace right now for you and your baby. You both matter so much and are loved and have support. Try to draw from that right now.

Hugs to you,
Rose

At first read I was thinking classic life changes. I changed a lot in my 20s. But him ignoring the situation all together makes my head spin....

Is his personality and identity the same?

Does his parents notice anything different about him?

It seems like hardcore avoidance. I bet he's been going to the bar a lot and is struggling with identity issues. I just find it odd that its as if you and him never happend almost like a disassociated fugue minus the amnesia ......

Hmmmmmm, my husband ignores situations that he doesn't want to deal with.......like dealing with the IRS....he completely ignored their letter about back taxes being owed because he didn't know how & didn't want to deal with it. I had gone back to KY to fix up my farm at the time....something initially was for us....but I kicked him out when he ended up coming here (long story).

Just like he's ignoring dealing with the fact that he's not paying the mortgage on the house we own & have owned for years which is where he's living.......I honestly don't know what their problem is that they can't step up to responsibilities (mind you....my husband who I left 5 years ago & couldn't get a divorce because of the financial mess he had made out of our life is 60 years old......he never grew up.....was always like this).

Maybe you are better off finding out what he's really like now & get him out of your life....even if you do have a baby to take care of by yourself....at least you are better off than living your life with someone who treats you like that.......things like that show up after marriage because everyone is putting on their sell themselves faces before the marriage.....after the true self shows up.

Best if you get a good lawyer & nail him for all the support you deserve to get for the baby from him....he will probably be irresponsible about paying....but neglected child support is a prisonable offense.

Another point I wanted to make about divorce....if you are in a no fault state (which most are).....there is no cause for divorce even if it is desertion. I looked that up because I thought my husband might claim that on me because I left him even though in actuality, he came to my farm & I kicked him out & back to our California home....then I ran out of money so I have never been able to go back & get most of my things which I left there 5 years ago......found out that in no fault divorce stated that desertion even if it happens isn't something that is a reason for divorce.....HOWEVER....it can help with what you get out of the divorce procedings....especially when a baby is involved.....& the house will probably HAVE to be sold because everything in a no fault divorce is split 50/50 assets & debts.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Take care of yourself....I know that the stress has to be hard on you being pregnant & it will also be a bit on the baby....it's amazing that when we are pregnant, the stress we feel does seem to have an effect on the baby.

Wishing you all the success is dealing with this but don't go easy on him either.

you can tell this issue hits home with a lot of people. cuz it seriously just isnt right to up and leave a mom to be.

its gonna be hard. but you can get through it.

good luck.

triciadrich got the word that I was searching for ~ avoidance! Sorry about my confusion, I tend to mix up words sometimes.

She asked the Q's of you that I was trying to get to.

I do agree with Rose, about trying hard to focus on you and your baby. You have support from both sides of the family, which can come in very handy! Especially in the first few months when the baby wakes frequently to feed and be changed. Now is also a great time to make meals and freeze them, so you have full meals to fall back on to keep your intake up. Have you also looked into Mom's Club, to see if there are local chapters nearby? They offer physical and emotional support to Mom's, which is a terrific resource!

http://www.momsclub.org

I hope that your distress and confusion ease soon and you're able to focus on this very special time of your life. You and your baby deserve the best! Your hub may have some deep issues going on right now, but you do need to try hard to stay present in the moment. You and your baby deserve so much better!

Im trying to feel better but its hard when you feel like a failure and that you let down your child.

He called me yesterday evening!

Like, wow. I didn't expect that.

I told him we needed to fill out paperwork and a parenting plan and stuff and he was just all dumbfounded about it.

He didnt think we had to go through all of this just to get a divorce. (lol)

He also told me he knows(no he doesnt) how hard it is on me, and that this wasnt an easy choice for him either(whatever). We(meaning him) "grew apart" and he was "too young"...that divorce wasnt planned for him and that he was just unhappy.(no specific reason why) That he isnt divorcing just to date other people, and blah blah blah. If love was a choice then I could just choose to stop loving him. He's just adding girls on facebook just to add people and they don't really talk to him. He just wants me to move on with my life. Blah blah blah. That he is just unhappy and he cant pinpoint a specific reason why. (I then brought up the fact that he slept with me THAT same morning...he told me not to bring it up) That divorce wasn't planned, even the day he dumped me...he just thought about it and it happened.

He even asked if I had my baby shower.


Should I believe this bull****? Or is he just trying to make himself feel better?

I am still so confused and I feel stupid for ever thinking a man would ever love me like I love him. Rejection is a big part of my life. Now who would want me? I have daughter who isn't even born and now I am considered damaged goods. He will probably find someone new and treat her really good while I am left alone.

I just wasn't worth it...and his daughter wasn't either. MY daughter deserves a better mother than me, because of her own daddy doesn't want me, then why would she want me?

You aren't the problem here.....it's the lousy guy that you married....you aren't the damaged goods....he's broken beyond repair...not you. It's not you that he left because he left because he's an irresponsible, immature brat & even if he were to find someone else....I would feel sorry for them....not you.....you can start a new better life now & not be stuck with that looser.

He really didn't reject you.....you were just in the place where he didn't want to be anymore.....anyone who would have been in your place at that time & with his fear of having to become responsible because of a new baby coming into his life....he would have left....it's not you...it's the position you were in.

Your daughter has the best one of the marriage to have for her parent....you are the responsible one......her daddy didn't want the responsibility of your daughter.....many young kid parents get afraid at that point & want to run....it's the good ones that were really committed to the marriage that stay....it's the loosers that run like the guy you happened to choose to marry.

Learn from this.....there are many young girls who have been in a similar position as you are who ended up with looser husbands who ran before the baby is born because of their fear & they aren't willing to admit it.......learn to make sure that you find truly committed, caring guy the next time & don't just take anyone interested because you feel you are damaged goods......you can find a wonderful husband & father for your daughter.

If I were you.....I would be thankful to get that looser out of your life & be able to see his true colors before you invest years into the marriage & end up leaving him anyway because of his irresponsible behavior....which I am sure has shown up in other areas of your relationship.

Stop putting yourself down....his leaving has nothing to do with you....but in truth...I am sure it's his inability to assume the responsibility of having a baby in his life & he is just too immature....better not to have a person like that around your baby because you don't know how they will act when they feel stressed out....it's people like that where abuse can come from if they can't tolerate being around babies.

(((AbandonmentIssues)))

You are NOT the problem at all. Your ex-hub is the problem. He became scared as your pregnancy went on, and that's when he realized that he didn't want to be an adult! He just wanted to be like his other young buddies without any major responsibilities.

I really don't think that he's grasped the concept of what parenthood means. Whether he is or isn't a part of your daily life, he still has financial responsibility. By his words, of telling you to go on & find another man, it seems as though he just doesn't want to deal with parenting responsibilities at all! Tough patoozies, is what I say!!

I can understand your fear of not being loved by your baby girl, but you will be her all. My girls and I were inseparable for the first couple of years of their lives. Even when I was with their daddy, all that they wanted was mommy. Enjoy that special closeness that you will have with your daughter. Words just don't do the feeling justice.

You're hormonal, lots of fears become intense during this time of pregnancy. It's pretty darn stressful during typical pregnancies ~ adding this stress and heartache now is absolutely cruel of your ex. He's a POS and he will someday realize that! Don't ever doubt that. You will make it through & be a stronger woman, and a heck of a mommy!!

5 years or so down the road he will wake up and see the mistake he made.....but then you won't want HIM anymore because he does not deserve you.

My meeting with him about the divorce and parenting plan is tomorrow...I am so dreading it.

He hasn't offered me any help or money in the past month I have been gone from his life...

Would it be fair if I took the car from him since I need one? It was a graduation gift from my grandparents, but stupid me decided to put both of our names on it because I thought "well hey, he is my husband, he's not gonna leave"...but he made me leave and he still has it. I feel as if that car is rightfully mine.

This is a big mess. I don't know why but I am scared of his reaction. So far he has been indifferent and whenever we talked(which wasn't alot) he tried to act supportive and act like "the good guy" who was doing us both a favor by leaving...telling me he wants me to move on with my life and sorry it didn't work out.

--Which i dont know if he is just saying that stuff to make himself feel better or what--

But after this meeting...I wonder what he is going to be like?

(((Abandonmentissues))),

First I know you need a (((big hug))), and that you WILL get through this even though you don't have the "life experience" you need to draw on to see you past this struggle right now. I think it has been good for you that you found PC and have access to the members here to support you right now. You sure have some nice members here stepping up and reaching out to you.

We all understand how difficult this situation is for you right now, and we all want you to "not" continue to "blame yourself" for this situation. As hard as this is for you to wrap your brain around right now, you WILL get through this and you WILL still have a life ahead of you. Just because you don't have a crystal ball or the life experiences to help you see that right now, doesnt mean you can't gain in that area even with this disappointment.

And the other thing going on with this "young" husband of yours is that he doesn't have the life experiences to know how to deal with this situation either. It is obvious in every interaction you have with him. And he is going to "deal" with this whether he likes it or not. He is going to have to hold up his end of this whole experience in ways he never dreamed. So it isn't just "you" that is going to be dealing with this and learning the whole time what it means to "end a marriage where a child is involved".

And what both of you are going to learn is that all the choices we make in life have a consequence. And we all learn that throughout our lives. And we don't always have enough life experiences to see the consequences ahead of time. And Abandonmentissues, this is not about you being unworthy as a person. This is not about you not being worthy to be a mother either. And you are still way too young to just assume that your life is going to be about "rejection".

EVERYONE'S lives contain "rejections". We all have to learn how to deal with it off and on in our lives as long as we deal with other human beings. And we all continue to "grow up" all of our lives Abandonmentissues. And if we adapt the decision that we are just going to be rejected, then we are not giving ourselves the right to the pursuit of happiness we are all designed to strive for.

What CAN happen with you and this child is from now on you can make a choice that you are going to make efforts in LEARNING how to raise a "healthy minded child". As you learn to do that, you will also learn for yourself as well.

A child doesn't have to have a little home with a white picket fence and a mother and father playing some kind of role in that fairy tail we all believe is supposed to happen so our lives are "right" somehow. Plenty of children suffer in that environment because their parents just focus on that. And because that perfection doesn't really exist, they often stress and argue and the child doesn't get the most important thing it needs, the right kind of nurturing so it can thrive and be healthy and confident psychologically.

I am very sorry that this relationship is not working out for you. But, you have to be strong and move forward and make a decision that you are still going to keep learning and growing in your life as well as helping this child do that too. Plenty of children have grown up to be successful adults because of a mother who believed in them and gave them the right nurturing. And lots of women that are single mothers do still find love and marriage and productive happy lives.

So, keep trying to be kind to yourself and just take this one step at a time and try not to paint a picture of a bad future etc.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes