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#51
Jul 19, 2012, 02:56 PM
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Yes, take the car. Do not let him have it. It certainly is fair for you to ask to have something that is yours back. This should be in the divorce papers. Do not hesitate on things like this. Do not try to play the fairness game with him. He doesn't deserve it. He was not fair to you. And do not give him credit for the very few times he may have acted like he was being fair. I can't stand when guys do this. They try to ACT like the good guy. He should get used to the idea of people thinking he is a total loser for what he's done. He should not be let off the hook because he is a man, and supposedly men are 'different.' So, does that mean they don't know the difference between right and wrong? Everyone should be held accountable for their actions. You should be civil in meetings, but don't cut him any slack. You are a mama bear now. Mama bears don't play around. I really hope he has a job.
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 Vibe
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#52
Jul 19, 2012, 03:20 PM
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I hate to say this, but I think he has a girlfriend; when men leave for no real good reason, that is usually the reason.
I hope you will get all of the support you can from family and friends and contact an attorney. There are laws to protect you and your child. |
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#53
Jul 19, 2012, 03:24 PM
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Oh, you said you feel like damaged goods, and that no one will love you as much as you love him. It is normal to feel like this. However, think about it logically. You won't be alone for the rest of your life. At some point in time, you may start dating again. The man who chooses to be with you knowing you already have a child is going to have to love you so much more than you could've ever loved this sperm donor that had made false promises to you. This guy (I don't want to even give him the privilege of calling him a 'husband') is going to have a much more difficult road ahead of him because he is soooooo messed up. A healthy individual would not do something like this. He is damaged, and he will have a tougher time finding someone to be with. He will never be able to commit to a long term relationship. Anyone who spooks this easily, or lies to himself and others, or whatever the heck his problem is, is not going to find someone else and have a great relationship.
This whole experience is going to teach you tons about yourself and life. You are in accelerated relationship and parenting 'classes.' That means you are an evolved spirit, and you can handle this. Use the lessons you will learn in the months and years ahead of you. You have so much time, you are only 20. I am 30, and some people say I'm lucky to be unmarried with no kids, but I consider those with a family very very lucky. Oh, and I'm dating one of those guys who are damaged, and I'm seriously trying to get out. They won't change until they open their eyes, and accept that they need to change/grow. |
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#54
Jul 19, 2012, 03:32 PM
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#55
Jul 19, 2012, 11:56 PM
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Are you having a formal meeting with your ex to discuss these things, along with attorneys? Or is the set-up of tomarrow's meeting an unknown? I agree with lido78's recommendation to ask an attorney for help. While the car was given to you, finances often become complicated in divorce cases. 9 times out of 10, the parent with primary custody of the child/ren is given a lot more money to survive and continue to support their child, than the other parent. If, however, there isn't any money or property to divide between you two, that's when the other parent has to find a job and make payments to support the child. Things are a lot tougher when there isn't any money to fall back on. The state will step in if they have to, and then they will go after your ex to make payments to them. Obviously, not a best case scenario...but it's also rather common. Hopefully, you two have obtained some assets that you can fall back upon to keep you a little step up. I hope that I haven't confused you. Having been through divorce and custody planning, myself, I've seen a lot. I'm not trying to confuse you ~ just trying to get you to think a little bit ahead. Not to hurt your ex, or to "come out on top", but simply to protect yourself. You do need to make sure that you and your daughter are getting what you're entitled to in the eyes of the law. Sometimes, people don't look into things until a few years down the road & then they find out that they could have had so much more help than they actually received. But then, it's too late! So, call an attorney now. Call your county's social workers, to see if they know of programs that are applicable to you. Best wishes!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
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#56
Jul 20, 2012, 02:09 PM
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I totally agree with shez. Don't put yourself through unnecessary struggles. Get as much help and resources as you can. Be strong, and don't let him '***** foot' around the issues like he's done so far. If he can't make good decisions in his and his child's life, YOU WILL. You're gonna eventually be much happier. You seem to have a pretty great family for support.
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 AbandonmentIssues
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| Open Eyes, shezbut
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#57
Jul 20, 2012, 03:22 PM
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I agree with some of the above points. But call me old fashioned because I can't make excuses for this kind of guy. We all get stressed, and I can see someone becoming distant with the coming of their first child. But spending time with their buddies and dealing with it healthily is one thing. Leaving one's wife - no, not even that - kicking her out of the house and leaving her with nothing, when she's close to giving birth to your child, is absolutely unforgivable. I agree with doing everything you can to protect yourself and your child.
But I can understand how something like this can really weaken a person. Divorcing at any point is stressful, but this situation takes that to a whole new level. This is why I think it's important to not just take care of yourself financially, but also emotionally. I'm glad you have your family (although your sister needs a "talking to") and if you have any friends I would also spend time with them. It really helps when you go through such heartache to have other close people. Plan for your financial future and find a way to go on and find joy in your new child and motherhood. Sometimes what seems like the worst situation can bring someone their happiest moments in the future. It's just hard to see the future like that. I also have to wonder if he was always this way to some degree. It's often under stress that people's true colors show. To figure it out now this late in the game is tough, and it doesn't in any way make your deep feelings for him untrue. But it does leave you capable of protecting your child from him and protecting yourself emotionally in the future. I know it's tough right now. Look after yourself, do what you have to do (like getting a lawyer and taking your best options), and take it one day at a time. Sometimes that's the only way to make it. Sending you good vibes.
__________________
Life is a Dream.
Make yourself better than what you are. |
| AbandonmentIssues
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#58
Jul 20, 2012, 05:13 PM
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#59
Jul 20, 2012, 05:26 PM
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So meeting went well...he wouldnt even look me in the eyes though really. Just agreed with everything I said and we split the stuff the way we saw fit.
The car that belongs to me is still in his possession...all though he claims he is getting something lined up so he can get it back to me as soon as possible. Then it was over. I was very sad(I cried in the car afterwards) but relieved that the meeting was over. Or so I thought. Just an hour ago my MIL called to inform me that my grandparents(whom I am very close to) called my stbxh and demanded he take the car back to me and "do the right thing"...and that he is "doing me wrong". Yeah, that was EXACTLY what I needed. I didnt think I would have to worry about my family getting ape**** crazy and harass him. I am trying to keep everything as civil as can be. and my own flesh and blood made things worse and caused me worse pain. My stbxh called me though and told me it was okay(I apologized for their actions) and he knew it wasnt me and he understands that they were angry. He was very nice about it. 
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| Open Eyes, shezbut
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#60
Jul 20, 2012, 05:31 PM
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I'm sorry...I'm just trying to figure out why his needs and feelings seem more important than yours. It appears that your family understands that YOU are now the most important thing to you (why apologize for them doing right by you??) Understandably, you are hurt. But this man did VERY wrong by you and to continue to put him first is only going to hurt you (and the baby!) in the long run.
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| eskielover, sweetandsour
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#61
Jul 20, 2012, 05:57 PM
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Because we agreed that he would keep the car until he got himself another vehicle(which he claims he is working on, but I am only giving him a couple of months).
then my family goes behind my back and steps out of line. that is why I am upset, they are making things more complicated. I dunno why I continue to put him first...I guess Im just used to it. |
| Anonymous200104, Open Eyes
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#62
Jul 20, 2012, 06:15 PM
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| AbandonmentIssues
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| AbandonmentIssues, eskielover, shezbut, sweetandsour
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#63
Jul 20, 2012, 07:16 PM
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((((AI)))) Dear ... the most important thing right now is finding as much peace and comfort as you can - for both you and baby girl.
I hear you... since the family is now getting involved, you feel they are going behind your back which is creating added stress for you right now. Is it possible to have a family meeting? Or to send a note to everyone letting them know that you understand they are confused, upset, frustrated, etc and appreciate that they care so much as to "protect you" from any further pain. But right now you really need them to totally focus on you and the baby. That their involvement, although greatly appreciated, is creating even more stress for you. Then ask them with all sincerity for what you really need from them right now / whatever that might be: perhaps...to keep you feeling calm, safe, and as healthy as possible. That you love them and understand but that you are managing things with your stbxh the best way you can...and to please just be there in the moment right now for you and the baby. It sounds as if they are circling the wagons on your behalf. But you need to be in the middle of that circle! Both you and baby girl. Again, you have done nothing wrong. You are lovely and beautiful. Let your family know what you need right now to help ease your pain and confusion. They do love you and want to be there for you xx but what is now happening is adding misery and not comfort. Even with the best of intentions!  Maybe you can even write a list of things and delegate tasks to everyone so they are still involved but focusing soley on you and baby Hugs, Rose |
| Harley47, Open Eyes, shezbut
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#64
Jul 21, 2012, 01:01 AM
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I was going to offer the exact same advice Rose did, but she beat me to it.
Your family is only trying to protect you AI, and trying to help you as much as they can. Sometimes we can unintentionally hurt more while trying to help. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. (((((AI)))))
__________________
The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
| AbandonmentIssues, shezbut
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#65
Jul 21, 2012, 02:39 PM
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Just a note to give you a heads up about guys like this. Set a definite timeline! You said you are giving him a couple of months to return the car, but he just might drag it out as long as he can. The same goes for other issues as well, such as what to do with the house, and the divorce. If he is anything like the guy I'm with, a couple of months will turn into a couple of years. I'm kicking myself because I didn't set any definite dates for any issues, and he has dragged everything out, and used my leniency to sneak in paying off ALL of his debt. Now, I'm worse off than when I started with him. Don't let this guy do this to you, please. I suppose you could wait until you feel ready to deal with the issues (after the birth, maybe), but don't allow him to set the timeline (which I'm sure he won't anyway)
Also, I can understand your annoyance with your grandparents butting in, but I think his behavior is unheard of for people of an older generation. I think they are of the mindset that you reap what you sow. You accept the consequences of your actions. Be grateful you have strong people who love you so much. And, with the evidence of him making many new girlfriends. Don't let him think it's party time. Nope, it's time for him to WORK. Does he have a good enough job? I sure hope so. Don't be afraid to be a little 'mean.' Don't worry if he's gonna call you the 'B' word if you stand up for yourself and baby. Only weak little boys love to use that word to describe women when the women are asking them to do the right thing. Geez, how dare us expect a man to have good morals and values. Please don't feel sorry for him. He'll either not learn his lessons and keep repeating the same mistakes, or he'll eventually redeem himself. He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. |
| AbandonmentIssues, shezbut
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#66
Jul 21, 2012, 07:31 PM
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He doesnt treat me mean or anything...he is just...not there. If you know what I mean.
I overheard my mother talking to his mother(they didnt know I was listening) and his own mother said that she and his dad didn't know what was wrong with him and that he hasn't said a word to them about it. He lives life as if I was never in the picture. It's weird. And he wont look at anyone when we are talking about it. This is a complete 180 in his behavior. and everyone is worried about him. We all just don't get it. |
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#67
Jul 21, 2012, 07:55 PM
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Hunny...I haven't read your thread till now because I knew it would be hard. Your grandparents are standing up for you in a way that is right and correct! This is FAIR. What your "husband" has done to you is not fair or correct. Be so very glad you have your parents and grandparents in your corner. When I called my mother to tell her how unhappy my marriage was, she responded coldly..."You've made your bed, now sleep in it!" I had a small child, a daughter, and I was trapped. You are not!
Do what is best for you and your daughter. Stop obsessing about what HE is doing on Facebook...looking for other females. He's a cad. He left you at the most vulnerable time of your life, at 8 months pregnant with his child. Focus on what you need to be comfortable, legally. Get a good lawyer in your corner, if you don't already have one. |
| kindachaotic, Open Eyes, Rose3
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#68
Jul 21, 2012, 09:14 PM
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I'm just going to add a bit about the car situation - having an infant and no car can be very, very tricky. They need special car seats and are very vulnerable. If you are going to give up the car for awhile (and I agree on setting a specific date and having it signed and on paper with his signature), make sure you will be capable of providing for your child's needs in this situation.
When I talk about putting the needs of you and your baby first, that means in all things. I know what it's like to get used to putting another first, and if you still love him then it can be very tempting to give in to him on some things. The person you need to absolutely put first is your daughter though. Before making any huge decisions, always take a moment to consider how it's going to affect your baby. Don't be afraid to bring up her needs either when discussing who gets what. I think it's usually a good idea to keep things amicable, but if it requires a fight then do what you have to in order to secure yours and your daughter's futures. I would not rule out filing for abandonment at this point. You really are doing great so far. I think even though you're extremely hurt, going through the steps to move on with this shows just how strong you are deep down. It just takes awhile to switch thinking patterns on these things. It may become easier to understand it all once your child is born though. Keep it up. You're going to be a great mommy.
__________________
Life is a Dream.
Make yourself better than what you are. |
| kindachaotic, shezbut
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#69
Jul 22, 2012, 10:23 AM
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Well for now, I have family helping me out on the car situation. I have already given him a couple months to get another car.
I just can't understand his behavior...acting like nothing is going on, and not talking about it with his own family. Not being able to look at anyone when someone does talk to him. It's enough to push me off the deep end. |
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#70
Jul 22, 2012, 10:33 AM
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((((AI)))) I so wish I had the magic answer as to why stbxh is behaving this way so I could bring you some comfort...so you dont have to worry. Time is on your side and hopefully the answers will come. If his family is truly concerned about his safety and well-being then he needs to go to hospital. If this behavior is so outlandish, confusing and NOT him, perhaps something is terribly wrong. There is nothing you, honey, can do about this, though. Let his parents deal with a 5150 if he is that Not well.
In the meantime, dear, allow those wagons to circle you...assign tasks to those that love you and support you: friends, family, caregivers, loved ones. You and baby girl have done nothing wrong. Whomever is not healthy for you right now....set boundaries....they are not allowed to be around you or discuss anything triggery or painful in your vicinity...tell them to keep it to themselves. You are in enough pain and confusion. If they cant be part of the solution - your solution - (right now), they can excuse themselves. This is your beautiful miracle and your life. Peace and comfort to you...thinking of you and sending angels to look over you. Luv, Rose |
| AbandonmentIssues, shezbut
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#71
Jul 22, 2012, 12:09 PM
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AbandonmentIssues, my heart goes out to you. I have only skimmed this entire thread, mostly because it's very triggering for me because almost the exact same thing happened to me after 18 years of marriage.
Virtually all states now are "no-fault" divorce states, so unfortunately you probably are not going to be able to sue for divorce on the basis of desertion, even though he DID desert you and your child. (This is grossly unfair in my opinion.) If I can get my head together, I'll post a more articulate response, but I did want to send you lots of hugs and let you know that I sympathize with you.  (Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, BTW! )
__________________
No one respects the flame quite like the fool who's badly burned—Pete Townshend A beach is a place where a man can feel / he's the only soul in the world that's real—The Who, Bell Boy Last edited by AvidReader; Jul 22, 2012 at 12:09 PM. Reason: Changed some words |
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#72
Jul 22, 2012, 02:23 PM
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I hear that you are still wanting to be "fair" to this man who abandoned you, that you still love him, which probably do, and will for some time, but he has treated you horribly, abandoned you at your most vulnerable time (as I said before), and you are giving him too much leeway, in ways he has not given you. He walked out, and is completely absent from you now. Whatever his issues are...whether he is just immature and wanting to be a single male playing the field, or if he has some sort of mental disorder, or if he has a girlfriend (sounds like it!), you have to take care of yourself and your own needs. You have your child to think of as well.
When I finally got the courage to divorce my husband, I wanted to be nice, not make him mad. I compromised too much, letting HIM write the entire divorce agreement without the benefit of lawyers. In retrospect, I should have gotten a tough smart lawyer to work in my interests. You need this. Put aside any feelings you have for this boy, and take care of yourself! |
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#73
Jul 22, 2012, 02:58 PM
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I re-read your original post today. His behavior is indeed very odd, and if I were in your shoes, I'd be doing the same thing......wondering why. I'd be in total analytical mode mixed with extreme heartbreak mode. At some point, it would be interesting to know what his back round was like. I have to admit that I feel a little bad for judging someone that I do not know. I had forgotten how young he is. Not that that's an excuse, it could be a part of an explanation though. I remembered being that young. Looking back, I personally, was not a grownup. I think I started growing up about 25 years old. I apologize for allowing some of my own angry issues to leak into my messages to you. Of course, I do still believe he needs to step it up X100. My great grandparents married at 18 years old, and stayed married until my great grandpa died, but times were so different than they are now. From what you've described as him not making eye contact with anyone, all I can guess is that he is feeling very guilty, as he should. He is just a weak young guy. He may have just been putting up a strong front with you trying to make you and everyone else believe that he can handle marriage and parenthood. And he crumbled under the pressure. This is why I believe that the number one principle all people should follow is to be honest with themselves first so that they do not fool others into thinking they can handle things that they truly cannot. That is where his faults originated, and he proved what kind of a man he is by how he's handled the whole situation. That is why everyone is angry at him. He let everyone down, including himself. He could've handled things differently, but he did not. This is who he is now, and he is very ashamed of himself, I hope. If he wasn't ashamed, then I would wonder if he was a sociopath. He may not even understand himself, his behavior and his feelings, or he may have a very heartbreaking secret. It's hard to tell at this point. One thing I've noticed though, is that the truth always comes out eventually. It will be revealed to you when you are ready for it. You should be due any day now. I wish health and joy to you and your new baby. Is she here, yet?
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#74
Jul 22, 2012, 03:50 PM
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It sounds to me like your husband had unrealistic expectations about marriage and having a baby. Too much emphasis in the media is put on feelings. Marriage is a commitment -- nevermind having a baby. I will be praying for supernatural strength for you and wisdom to do what is best for you and the baby. I would try to put him out of your mind as much as possible. He sounds immature, and obviously not ready to be a father. I'm sorry for the pain you must be enduring. Do everything you can to remain positive, because your baby can pick-up on your emotions in utero.
Best wishes ~ EJ Quote:
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#75
Jul 22, 2012, 07:05 PM
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I wish I could put him out of my mind. If there was a switch I could flip that was instant...and could allow me to put him out of my mind and heart. I would flip it in a minute. But I cant right now. I love him. Living, breathing, committed, devoted, true love. I know that sounds corny but is true. After 4 years and even after he has done this to me, I still get butterflies for him. I always wanted to help him be a better person because I always felt he brought out the best in me. I just love him.
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| AvidReader, Open Eyes, shezbut
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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