wifes history

Prior to marriage, I had not been very sexually active. It was a choice I made as my first experience was not a good one. It therefore was important to me to not be involved with someone who was very active and had a ton of experience.
I fell in love and did ask the appropriate questions to see if I felt comfortable with her past before taking things to the next step.
I did, and her answers reassured me at that time. Fast forward 14 years of marriage later and I find out she had a FFM threesome and she told me casually through a text.
It makes me sick to think of her this way. It also is no big deal to her and she swears she thought I already knew of this.
To me it is brand new information and I can't help but feel that I have been wronged by her.
I had been comfortable with a lack of experience and now I feel that I will never have the wild time with my wife that she already experienced with another man. I had no desire to have this type of experience until I found out she did this with and for another man.
This has left me very upset. I am hopeful that others have experienced this sort of thing and understand how it makes me feel.

I am sorry you are going through this right now and are in pain.

If you don't mind me asking, why the random text out of the blue from your W? It is really difficult to understand when the situation is out of context;

However, I am very sorry for your pain

I also don't quite understand how something from +14 years ago came up, and how or why it is relevant to your present day life. Some detail might help...

Since you never had any inclination to experience a FFM 3-some, why do you feel robbed of a wild time with your wife? This is a question you need not answer to me, but for yourself, as it may be the clue to getting over this very painful hurdle...

I'm sorry if this sounds unhelpful, but I honestly don't see the problem. Why drive yourself nuts over a past that was none of your concern in the first place?
The answer to this question will also no doubt be helpful in your healing process.

You've had 14 yrs of sex with your wife, so whatever inexperience you may have suffered from in the past has been dealt with by now.

I'm really sorry you are hurt by this info, but IMO, you have to realize that her sexual past really is none of your business. It was before your time and in reality its irrelevant because it doesn't affect you (she never gave you a disease) except for in the way you are allowing it to affect you right now... You have to learn to let go of her past, its hers.

Some food for thought:
If your wife shared this news with you while dating, she would have never had a snowballs chance in hell to walk down the aisle with you, and probably knew this, so was smart enough to keep it secret. If your marriage is good and you are happy, wasn't it a good thing you didn't know beforehand, because the past 14 yrs wouldn't have happened?

Answer:
She was in a text thread with myself and another friend (her best girlfriend) the question of attraction to females came up and she said she always held an attraction to females but had never done anything but the one time. I of course replied with, what time was that? she replied the threesome...
My issue is the fact I thought I had married someone of similar background as I intended. I do not like the fact that another man has done things sexually with my wife that I will not do. Knowing this prior to marriage I asked of her background to make sure I was comfortable with it. I know for some it is no issue. For me it was. Which is why I asked... Also to find out I was deceived in order to get a ring on her finger is not what any husband wants to learn.
I do not lie and do not associate with anyone once I learn I have been lied to by them.

Am sorry, I agree - her sexual past really has nothing to do with you. It's her past, not yours. I do not know if she lied to you, but if someone who was relatively inexperienced asked me about my sexual history while dating, I would not say so not to make that person feel bad, or myself to come over as easy. Besides I would not feel the need to tell in any situation where asked, its private. I would not blame your wife if she didn't feel like she should share everything too.

Whereas I understand the pain where you feel a little hoodwinked, I think it would be better to let go of the negative thoughts. You've been together for a long time, until now you've been happy? Why let something that happened a long time ago ruin the last 14 years? It would be such a shame to let that happen. You once had problems with sex, but that man you were must've long gone. Please let your past and her past stay.. well, in the past.

Hugs.

I would agree that her past is her past. Do you still love her and would not knowing this information change things? When people are young they do things that they regret or wreckless etc. Do you want your wife to revert to her past and be wreckless and sleep around with multiple people? People change and 14 years is a long time. I would try to let go of her pastand embrace the present between you two. Those wild times were probable not very fulfilling to her, otherwise she would experess a desire to do that again right? I don't agree with her casually bringing it up, and I would find that aggrevating if my wife did that without me asking. I could see how you could be upset, but do you really want to be angry with her over something so long ago and before you were together? I would tell her things like that bother you and to not casually bring them up.

I agree with what's been said. Again, I don't know the context of the situation, but this is in your wife's past, before there was a "you and her," you know? This, I think, should stay in the past where it belongs. As long as your wife loves you, is faithful to you, and you reciprocate that, all is well.

I really do appreciate the responses. I agree with them and have dropped the issue with her. I simply cannot enjoy certain things right now due to the vision of my wife doing these things b/c to me it is very new. To her and to you all reading, this is about something that happened many years ago. I am her husband and thought after 14 years I knew her and her history. Now I have an image that is new and I am sorry but I do have the right to be hurt by the deception. I believe it was purposeful. I was very honest with her about my past and how what happened to me in my life was painful. She took that to mean she had to lie to me in order to get me to like her. It worked and I fell in love. Now I ask her what else is there that you never told me or lied about in order for me to think of you as you wanted, not as you actually are? People have histories, we all do, but to excuse past behavior as "its the past" is not right in my opinion. It is our past that makes us who we are. And our beliefs and morals are developed early on. She lied to me about hers. When you say I do, you are marrying the person and their history. Their life past and present is now shared. When we did that she married someone she knew. I married the person she wanted me to know. Their is a difference. I love her and will stay with her but I will always wonder what else I don't know.

I should have the right to marry whom I wish (history included) What if you found out your mate was of the opposite sex prior to marriage. Or a porn star, or a hooker, all things you should know and would want to know. I am sorry if you feel I am picky or rude but we are talking about the rest of our lives (some of us) when it comes to marriage, and I should have not been misled.

I agree you have the right to be upset. It is not pleasant finding out about things about a spouse's past. People hard things for many reasons, but guilt and shame is a usual theme in most people's deception. Could she be ashamed of things she did in the past and that is why she never talked about it? We do stupid and things we regret as we go from teenager to adults.

Did you ever ask about her past, or did you assume she would share it on her own? Sometimes it is easier to forget things we regret, than dwell on our regrets of the past. There are several things I have done I wish I could undo, but the truth is you can't. It took me a long time to even tell my wife about them. It is expecialy difficult when you are held responible for those things and causes issues in the present. As difficult as it is for you to here those things she has done, it is probable just as difficult for her to accept and live with it.

I think most people try to portray the best in themselves, expecially to those we care about. It may be deceptive, but there isn't malice behind it, but it is out of caring and compassion for the other person. My advice is to talk to her and try to be honest. Finding out new stuff after 14 years is a bit of a suprise punch. I think you should just talk to her and tell her how you feel. You have the right to be upset, but I don't think we should be held accountable forever for a few misdeeds of the past. At the very least you deserve honesty and disclosure if you want to know, but once you know you can't forget it. Sometimes it is better to not know and leave it in the past.

You have every reason to feel anger, disgust, mistrust...esp if you feel you were deceived.

I am still unclear as to why this came up out of the blue (after 14 years). Were you probing, sexting, playing 20 questions...did she casually "confess"?

What is your biggest concern / fear ... now that you have this info? Are you seeing her differently? Do you still respect her? That is the main thing.

It appears you don't trust her any longer. That leads to a multitude of problems in any relationship.

Have you told her how you feel? I mean, how you really feel?

I'm a little unnerved that you were discussing sex as a threesome. I would never discuss my marital intimacy with a friend of my husband's or a girlfriend with my husband a partner to the conversation (or any other time).

I think that your wife's girlfriend was part of the conversation could have further amped up your imagination? Did you even discuss (with your wife alone!) how your wife felt about the experience and why she never pursued it again? I think what you believe the man experienced is all in your own imagination/head and not necessarily what actually happened.

Am not sure how you can share a past that the person wasn't there for, but then that's perhaps just me?

That is one way to look at it, and you're neither right or wrong. Personally I do not think that people should be judged on their past when it comes to matters of sexual encounters of this (mild) nature. Sure, the past makes us what we are, but it's who we are today and how we treat others is what we should judge people on. Everyone does things that later on they may not be proud of - and its part of growing up too, this living and learning.

How about if I said that perhaps the way you were honest about your past when you met may actually have forced your wife to keep things back. She obviously loved you, wanted to be with you and I think perhaps you should ask her if she kept things hidden because she was afraid you'd judge her and she may lose you. Cause and effect perhaps? You had your own experience and issues with sex, and I wonder if that made her keep quiet.

I do really think that having a chat to sort all this out is the way to go, and perhaps if you can, let go of your anger and move on. Get through this and you'll both be stronger huh?

Hugs.

I also believe in "rest of our lives" when it comes to marriage. Just so we're on the same page

I don't think you're picky or rude, I do however think you're missing the point I was trying to make... The only thing I should know about my bf's past, is whether he can give me a disease. The rest is his business, how much he is willing to share or not share should be at his discretion. I have no right to demand that he be an open book. He has a right to privacy. How I feel about my bf should not be dependent on what or who he did yesterday. That is not fair any which way you paint it.

I would be stumped if I found out one day that my husband used to be a girl many years ago (especially since I'd be having sex with hypothetical husband as well as know his family very well). I'd be horrified and sad for him to learn that he was a hooker before he met me. I would want to understand why, what lead him down that road and how he dealt with it, that's if.... he was willing to share those bits of info with me... More than anything though, I'd want to know why he did not trust me with this information in the first place. Why the need to hold out on me? Fear of judgement, rejection? I'd want to know how I impacted his decision to keep quiet instead of feeling distrust toward him.... Him feeling he couldn't trust me would hurt me.

Yes the past shapes our futures, but I stand by what I said, and like Riot said, we can't "share" a past we weren't present for, and our partners have a right to privacy. Yes your wife lied, it was deceitful and hurtful, but as mentioned in my previous post, it doesn't seem as if it was with malicious intent. If she really knew you as well as you say before marriage, then she knew you wouldn't have been accepting of her, as is obvious in your first post. Seems like she lied to protect your relationship, and I'm sorry, but I can't fault her for that, not everything is black and white. It makes no sense to jeapordize a lifetime of love and joy together by confessing a past indiscretion. What would she have achieved with this particular truth? Your back facing her as you exit.... That's what.

You know how sometimes you need to do something questionable for the greater good? (like steal bread to feed your kids) I think this was one of those moments for your wife...

You say you wanted a say in who you marry, how does this confession of hers change who she is now? If her honesty has tainted your image of her, that is an issue you have to deal with, because she's still the same person she was the day before she divulged this info. How were you misled? Did she lead you somewhere you would rather not be? I think not. Looks like she lead you down the aisle with the person you wanted to marry. And she still is that person, you just don't seem to be able to see her right now through your pain. You say she presented you with a person she wanted you to know... Does this mean she has been living a lie all this time? I doubt it, or maybe she deserves one hell of an Oscar.

I really am sorry you feel hurt about all this, just offering my perspective. Talking with your wife about why she never told you this before tying the knot is the best course of action IMO. Your wife is still your wife, however her past has shaped her, the shaping took place long ago, which means you have already gotten to know that person, your knowledege of this shouldn't redefine her. She already is who she is. No deception there....
Talk it out with her, you deserve peace of mind

Your word choice is incorrect. I have never had threesomes, but I know that having a threesome is neither a crime nor a transgression, so there is nothing to excuse.

You need to choose words more carefully.

Also, can you post the questionnaire that your then fiancee filled out in order to marry you, as I want to confirm that you specifically called out "have you ever been in a threesome?" in that questionnaire.

Thanks.

Thank you for the response. I had a very serious conversation with her prior to us ever being intimate. I was very honest with her about my past and was very honest about what I am ok with. To not lose me, she lied to me. Now that she feels safe, the truth is out so she feels better. Now I am left to wonder what else did she not tell me or lie about. I guess I will never know. My biggest issue is that all these years later and I am learning things about my now wife that others have known about her all along. Friends of hers that I know. Not to mention the images of my wife being that way now that I have been with her for so many years and never thought of her that way. I have days I can barely look at her.
I love her and will deal with this, but it is not fair.
I can't believe all the people on here that defend her though. I had legitimate reasons for not wanting originally to be with a woman with a promiscuous past and I was honest with her about that (very honest) and she decided that how she felt mattered more than how I did and lied to me. yes the years have gone and I know I am married to a good woman. That does not change the fact that I was wronged and I should have had the choice to marry her or not based on the truthful answers to the questions I asked her way back then.
Someone even asked to see a copy of the questionnaire I gave her prior to marriage. Maybe if people married people they are actually compatible with in the first place the divorce rate would not be through the roof. I was selective in who I dated and who I married. Now I have pictures of her in my head that are very difficult for me to have based on what happened to me when I was young. People should back off and understand that others pain is not based on how they are or how they would feel it is based on how the person posting feels and we all feel how we do because of our past experiences and what we have been taught or learned. It is different for all.

Actually I meant the words as stated. In my opinion people that engage in something as serious and intimate as sex with multiple people at the same time are people I do not want to associate with.
I asked her if she had been with multiple people at the same time. her answer was no.
I do not expect you or her for that matter to agree with how I feel. It is my opinion and last I checked I am allowed to have one. Just as you are allowed to have an opinion I completely disagree with.

So basically you are saying that you did call out non participation in threesomes but just did not have a written questionnaire, right?

I can't believe all the people on here that defend her though. I had legitimate reasons for not wanting originally to be with a woman with a promiscuous past and I was honest with her about that (very honest) and she decided that how she felt mattered more than how I did and lied to me. yes the years have gone and I know I am married to a good woman. [/quote]

Understand, we're not discounting how you feel. Of course you must be shocked...that's not something we expect you to hear and be like "Oh, cool" and move about your day. Our (speaking collectively, which may or may not be entirely comprehensive) point is that the bolded line, of which you're cognizant of, should ultimately trump the second part. Let us assume momentarily she did lie...bold face, straight out lied to you regarding this. Why is it you think she would do so? Have you considered the notion that she is, perhaps, ashamed this ever happened, and was scared of losing you? Or (respectfully, of course...not trying to spark a fight by any means) were you too concerned about the "implications" to you to consider the matter on her end? There are always two sides to every story. Additionally, there are few lives in existence that don't have their share of regrets. This, it seems, is hers. You are, of course, understandably angry that she would lie...that is a natural reaction, and I don't think you can be faulted for that. It's the bitterness towards her due to the act, not the lie, that is concerning to myself (and, again speaking collectively and under assumption, others).

Again, I don't mean this to be argumentative in any way...I am only trying to encapsulate the points made over the past few pages. Speaking for myself, and I think others, I/we simply do not understand why this revelation should cause an about face of your feelings towards her.

Hugs,
Harley

My point was not your opinion but your clarity of opinion when you dated her. So you are saying that you did call out multiple partners. Then indeed she lied to you and you are entitled to your current state of anger.

Nobody has belittled the pain you feel, you are right to be hurt over being lied to - but I really think you need to put this into perspective, sorry. It seems to me that your reaction tells me more about you than your wife, and your own issues and the anger and your statements of not being able to look at her, well, are to me counter-productive and too harsh for the crime. Her lies were bad, but they are understandable if she did it because feared losing the man she loved because of a sexual past. A past she couldn't change and should have no bearing on the future. And you've not picked up on what I said about perhaps it was how you were back then with your issues and her fear of losing you that made her keep quiet.

Please dont be angry with the replies because some here do not think the same way as you - when we can see that to dwell on this, to let it undermine a good history together would be such a waste. Sure, she may not be the lady you thought she was with sex, but all of that is old. She was a lady who had a threesome, she is now a lady whom loves you and you've had a good marriage. Do you really think that her sexual history would've stopped the good marriage you have had? The sort of person she is? The way she loves you, and is a good wife? If you do, then I think its a strange way of thinking - there is much much more to us than our sexual history. I do recommend some therapy for you to find out why you put such importance on someone's past which is private and why, 14 years later this has made you react in such a way.

Personally speaking I couldn't care about a partners sexual past - it is his qualities as a human being I look for, kindness, humour, thoughtfulness - those are what make a good relationship to me, not how many women he has slept with. I simply would not want to know, but if he'd been a tart I'd still forgive as I'd love him.

I think you should see a Therapist to understand if there is maybe a deeper issue that is adding fuel to the fire?

Being angry is OK It's an emotion we all have at times, but eventually you need to get over , get past , move on.

I think a Therapist could help you work through this.

I hope you and your wife the best.

I think it is unfair to assume your wife lied to you versus did not think to include that instance, especially if she had more sex than you did in her past.

What interactions mean something to us is an individual thing, you, for example, put a great deal of emphasis on sexual acts of others you are contemplating being intimate with whereas another person might not because another person would have a different background from yours. That does not mean that your interpretation of their response is "better" or more true/correct than what they say, she has said she didn't remember it at the time and I would be inclined, were it my husband, to believe s/he did not remember it at the time!

I think, if she were so worried about your response then, that she "lied", she would be no less worried about it now that she would tell you; I think she would have made up with a different answer to your recent query. If she knew how you were then and it bothered her enough to lie, she should be able to know how you are now, that it would bother you and keep on lying.

There's nothing "unfair" about her having had this experience and you not knowing so marrying her on "false" pretenses; you can still divorce her now just as easily as you could not have married her then if it disturbs you the same way. If you have not changed and grown in loving your wife that her past still bothers you, I would not stay with her. As you say, if you believe she lied, she could have lied about anything/be still lying and you really don't know her/she's not who you supposed/want to be with. You are still a free agent to decide what you like/do not like and what to do about it, if anything. The not being able to look at her is not because of her behavior, it's inside you and your background/thoughts and feelings. She cannot effect/change that anymore than you can change hers.

Actually, that is a very good point - she might not have remembered. Not everyone is prepared to be questioned about their sexual past in an interrogation-style fashion and not everybody is necessarily up to date on their sexual resumes 24/7, just as my professional resume has not been updated since last year and my LinkedIn list of skills and expertise areas is not up to date and I would need to give some thought to updating it because I do not remember everything I have ever done professionally, and I especially do not remember one-off assignments.

It she had one threesome rather than a steady stream of threesomes, then it was like a one-off assignment rather than a core area of expertise that defines the professional experience in a meaningful way, and it would be easy to forget.

You used the word "therefore", in bold as if it were self-evident that part (2) flows from part (1), and it is in no way self-evident. It is not self-evident that somebody would necessarily need a partner who shares the level of sexual experience, just as people do not necessarily partner up with folks their body size or hair color or age or ethnic background.

Have you ever thought of that?

Also, you wrote that

Likewise, you use the word "as", in bold, as if it were somehow self-evident that any person whose first experience was not a good one would make a choice to not be very sexually active, which is wildly counterfactual and weird and not at all self-evident.

You write as if for everybody part (3) would lead to part (4), but this is not at all the case.

So you basically have far-reaching problems with the thinking process, in that you assume that your idiosyncrasies are somehow standard and would apply to anybody who would share your facts. You are of course entitled to any kind of idiosyncrasies, but as an adult who must be old enough (based on the fact that you have been married for 14 years) to have observed a variety of human experiences, you should realize that your idiosyncrasies are just that - your idiosyncrasies. So that would be a good topic for individual therapy, because, again, the issue of not seeing a distinction between an idiosyncrasy and a standard pattern is yours and not joint to the married union. And I would examine the issue regardless of whether you divorce your wife, because it would help you to distinguish your idiosyncrasies from a standard pattern in anything you decide to apply yourself to for the rest of your life.

Good luck.