Just Broken

I'm new here, and have so much weighing on my mind. To put it shortly, I've been divorced from my ex for over 2 and a half years. He remarried very quickly, thanks to getting a girl pregnant about three months post divorce. He's been married about 21 months now. I remarried, grudgingly, about six months ago. I say grudgingly not because I don't love my husband, but that after all the hurt and scars from my ex, I wasn't very excited about opening myself up like that again.

Immediately after divorcing my ex, I did everything I could to stuff down my grief. He moved the woman he's now married to into the house the day I left, as a roommate. Clearly there was more, but I can't begrudge him having physical needs.

We tried to talk briefly two months following the divorce. About a month into it, he ceased communication, even with our son. I later discovered the girl had gotten pregnant, despite telling him she couldn't have kids. He waited to marry her until the ninth hour, and immediately after he married her, began battling me for custody of our son, seemingly out of the blue. I was so angry he had remarried, so angry he had moved on so quickly.

For two solid years, we were absolutely disgusting to one another. We fought, argued, called each other names and treated each other like crap. We were constantly embroiled in post divorce litigation. The threat of losing custody of my son made me so angry, I couldn't see what was happening. I see it now.

I never grieved the loss of my marriage. I spent so much time blaming him and not enough time learning from my mistakes. I had a couple of opportunities immediately post divorce to try to get him back (I filed for divorce), but I let those opportunities slip thru my fingers, determined to show him I could make it without him.

Today, I sit here broken and totally destroyed. We finally stopped battling each other legally, by mutual agreement, about a month ago. He wanted to surrender his rights to our son because I'm remarried and my husband is here all the time, and our young son makes it plain he sees him as his dad (which kills me and I think it really hurts my ex too). I wouldn't allow him to surrender his rights - I feel our son is too young, that my ex would come to regret it... and frankly, the mere thought hurts like hell.

In the last week or so, we've been trying to negotiate a reduction in his child support. I don't care one little bit about the money... I've come to the realization that I never grieved the loss of my marriage and fear that I may still love my ex. That stings. I found old pictures today and they just destroyed me. We used to be so very happy together. A very stressful move overseas and many fights destroyed that. I was too young and stupid to work through it effectively. It probably doesn't help that I'm facing my 35th birthday in a couple of weeks. All of this just hurts so very much. To be completely honest, if my ex said, right now, come home, I just might drop everything and go running. I'm terrified that I feel like this. I have no clue what to do.

I had the "I just might drop everything and go running" in re my first bf. It was a mostly LD r/s which left a lot unfinished. I moved on then after married the third bf (skip the second). Had a child with him. At one point saw the first bf while visiting his friend, and we talked just a bit, reconnected instantly. He had a casual gf, nothing extraordinary. I asked him to take me to the airport for the symbolic separation - he did. I have not seen him since and eventually other men appeared in my life, for better or worse. He married, many years later. I finally plan to write to him on his birthday this year, because I no longer feel raw. It was all many years ago.

I know it does not help you MUCH, but, just saying - I know exactly what you mean when you say you'd drop everything; I did feel that way for a while; it did go away. I hope it will go away for you as well! And, I do not think you need to DO ANYTHING. Just live your life and feel the feelings and hopefully they will go away.

I'm very sorry for all this pain you are going through. I think a lot of people would drop everything and run back, but even if you did the relationship would never be the same in any way shape or form..You have both moved on emotionally and physically .
Have you talked to a Therapist about how you feel? and how you can work through it all and come out the other side healthier?
As for your son, His father is his father ( not your new husband) and why would there even be talk of him to surrender his rights? If accepting child support from your ex bothers you or you don't need the money... why not just put that money into an acct for your sons college education?

Please consider seeing a Therapist I think it would help

I agree that moving on is probably for the best...you've made some amazing progress with awareness and it's the first - and most important - step to healing. Also the most agonizing. It does get better. Sometimes it takes a long time. But you CAN do it. And you never know what your relationship with your ex will turn into.

There's discussion of him giving up his rights because he hasn't really been involved in his sons life the last year. Part of it is his current wife's insecurity, part is my husbands insecurity. That's why I said no to him giving up his rights. It's not for the right reasons. There's alot more to tell but I'm dealing with it in pieces myself. This week has been harder because we have actually been nice to each other. That brings up the good feelings. Thank you all for your kind words and your experiences.

Today is another set back. Finally, after two and a half years apart, I have the strength to send him his box of cards and letters that somehow ended up in my things when the movers packed us. I also found a necklace from his childhood, and a thumb drive (with the aforementioned pictures on it). In the letters is the last card his grandfather ever sent him. It's not easy to send on these tangible reminders. I've warned him about the thumb drive's contents. His reply was "oh." It wasn't easy for me to see those photos. It wasn't easy for my husband either. I think my husband prefers to pretend that there was no life before him, which is alternately understandable and disturbing.

When I think over the reasons for my ex wanting to surrender his rights, I get upset and frustrated. I want him to be a part of our son's life and I can't understand why he seems to want to "throw the baby out with the bathwater", both literally and figuratively. Part of me understands that it might be hard for him to see our son... I know some days it's alternately difficult and joyful watching my son look more and more like his father. I don't know why I am filled with such a sense of regret. He was emotionally abusive, I lost part of me during the marriage. I have been in therapy, but not since the divorce. I started therapy about a year before we separated. My therapist suspected he might be a narcissist. I'm not entirely sure, but who knows?

I do know that it feels nice to be consistently taking the high road here lately. It seems to have settled him down, too. I just wish he could/would be an involved father,placing our son's needs above his own. Our son really deserves that. He's innocent in all of this.

I think that there is a symbolic meaning to his desire to surrender his rights, and that symbolic meaning is what upsets you SO much.

Basically, the son is a product of your union. Surrending his rights to the product of your union serves to cancel out the union, retroactively. And that, further, serves to delete YOU from the conscious record of his life, and you do not like it, for a very good reason.

You also do not like that your current H prefers to pretend that there was no life before him, and sometimes you find it disturbing, and I am totally with you.

The symbolic meaning of your current H's preference to pretend that there was no life before him is an attempt to delete a portion of your life.

And you do not like that. You want to be acknowledged as a person and you want your life history to be real to everybody. You do not want people to pretend that part of your life did not happen, because it did happen, it did get seared into YOUR memory, and all attempts to delete what got seared into YOUR memory - whether by Ex or by current H - are disturbing to you and they should be so.

Wow Hamster.... Light bulb moment! Thank you for that. I've been trying to figure out why I am reacting so poorly to all this... And I think you hit the nail on the head. He IS trying to cancel it out- going so far as to allege that our son wasnt planned. That's not true and I was furious with him over that - but only saw it as his attempts to make his new wife feel better ( she did trap him with a surprise pregnancy that wasnt supposed to happen ). When she told me that our son wasnt planned, I was alternately hurt he would lie that way, and angry that the lies were furthered by her. Of course, I dug up old chat messages between us (we used to IM during work) and immediately forwarded them. You would have thought I started world war 3. I told him I didn't appreciate him attempting to rewrite history. So yes, that must be what's eating me - because we are no longer together, he's "killing" me in his mind... And our son, by proxy. He was furious when I told him I wouldn't be allowing my husband to adopt our son. He's even angrier that I haven't changed my last name... Though he knew in the divorce I was keeping it. As of today, we are still being kind to one another. I wonder if that will change when the box arrives.

Good for you for keeping electronic records!! Good for you that you set the record straight and were assertive enough to tell him that you did not appreciate his history rewriting attempts. Good for you that you did it right away, without letting hurtful feelings well up inside you!

I just want to point out that no, she was not "furthering his lies", in that she clearly was not aware that they were lies. I think this is what must have happened:

1) she trapped him with a surprise pregnancy

2) she did not feel particularly happy or proud of herself having trapped him with a surprise pregnancy, because she would have preferred him to give her the biggest diamond ring on earth on his own volition and initiative, and without having been "strongly encouraged" or, let us say, "gently prompted" to marry her

3) she felt that you are superior to her in that he married YOU without your "strongly encouraging", or, alternatively put, "gently prompting" him to marry you

4) he realized that all of the above was happening

5) he told her the lies so that she would feel better herself; the lies could not have helped remove (1) and (2) above, but he intended to remove (3) above

6) he accomplished his goals and she started feeling better about herself

7) despite (6), she was not satisfied enough and wanted to feel yet better and better about herself

8) she then told you what was, in her mind, the truth, in an effort to put the two of you on an equal footing, so that she could finally stop feeling so crappy because you are superior to her - (3) above. In her mind, it was not enough for HER to know that you trapped him too (per his lies which she thought to be the truth); she needed YOU to KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS, to make double-sure that you are not superior to her.

***

That is quite a lot when written down; in reality, I think those were thoughts that crossed their minds for short periods of time. But I am pretty sure that those thoughts DID cross their minds .

In other words, she was not trying to further his lies - she was trying to assert her non-inferiority to you. That is what she was trying to do.

It can be maddening when you start thinking that you "could" have handled a past situation better, and maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have lost someone you loved. But this is just wishful thinking. We don't know what could have been. What we do know is that relationships that are meant to be, usually endure the crap that inevitably happens to them.
No relationship can be without problems. But sometimes these problems get out of hand, or become too much for two people to be together happily. Love just isn't enough for a relationship to work.
You went through a divorce for a reason. Analyze those reasons and make your peace with it. Like you said, you never really grieved the loss of your marriage.
If you require some space, you could talk abt it with your husband and explain to him that you need some time to sort yourself out because he might be hurt by your change in mood and behavior.
Cry. Let yourself feel everything. Slowly you will come to accept that it is over.
And you'll start to realize how you actually feel abt your ex and your husband. It need not necessarily be all bad. It could turn out that you do love your husband and that you are over your ex. But whatever it may be, you need time to figure it out - but don't take time to think abt who you love, but rather abt what hurts you

Why would it matter if your son, together, was planned or unplanned?!

I can relate to the being trapped by pregnancy. My stepmom, the whole talk was she 'couldn't' get pregnant, that's what the doctors supposedly said. My aunt said, my dad, had one foot out the door. Surprise!! And yeah, he and I were living with her and her two children, even before they married. It's going on 23 years, they've been married, in one week. They eloped in Vegas, while on a cross country trip.

OK, flash forward to January, she was pregnant, and there was no way, after the baby was born, was she going to see that, even in a car pool, 'they' were going to see me off to school, and after school sports activities, I was one town over for private parochial school.

One little mistake, and I was Kicked out!! Then the war of words became worse and worse. And at 19, I decided, enough was enough and told my father I didn't want to hear from him, anymore, because of how he was treating me.

So your ex, is the type of guy, who would willingly toss his son aside, for his new 'family'. In court, the judge told my father, during the child support wars, Go take a good look at your daughter out there, congratulate that child and remember this...Your obligation is to your First Born, not this new family, and if he saw him in court again, he wouldn't like it!!

The life created first matters!!

So, um...you really want this man back?!

What about your new husband?! Are you saying you don't love him?! Are you being fair to yourself, your new husband or you son?! Right now?!

I agree, it's best to work through what brings you to this thought process with a good therapist.

matter to whom?

To the son, it might not matter because an unplanned child has the some right to enjoy life as a planned child does.

To the OP... I would think that it matters A LOT!!! Basically, OP was married. She and her then H made a conscious decision to conceive a child together. The H, now ex H, wants to pretend it did not happen, rewrite their history together redacting his conscious contribution altotether out of the picture, say that he did not mean to have a child with OP (by extension, ==> that OP did not really matter to him as nearly as much as she thinks she did...), and that it was by accident... and he was under the influence anyway and unconscious and unaware of what he was doing, and... the next claim would be that the OP gave him a date rape drug and had sex with him without his conscious, full, and informed consent in order to conceive this poor child. That would be his current attitude taken to its logical extreme -

PAST ...the child was planned by him
PRESENT ...how he wants to tone it all down and dilute the importance of his first marriage by saying that the child was not planned by him and was an accident
NEAR FUTURE ... no, actually, now that he has had a chance to think more about it, no, the child was not an accident, no - OP forced him to donate sperm towards the conception of this child; without being drugged and rendered unconscious, he would never have willingly submitted to even having sex with the OP.

In a nutshell, as I see it, the guy is trying to rewrite his joint history with the OP in order to lessen her importance in his life in an effort to make his life history more palatable to his new wife; it hurts OP, and she is quite entitled to her feeling hurt.

Imagine a guy who cuts an old photograph with his ex to remove her from the picture; same thing but on a grand scale that involves real children.

Hamster, I gotta say, you totally get it. He's turned cold again. Thankfully it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I'm just left to wonder how he can spend hours texting with me but won't call our son. The reality is, I can't make him the father he used to be or the father he swore he would always be. I guess he's hurting too. I can't imagine what it must be like to be forced to choose between your new wife and your firstborn son. I'm not the one making him choose. That's on them. Thankfully, I'm going camping for the weekend. I can turn the cell off and forget the stress. To answer other poster's questions: yes, I love my husband. I was intensely loyal to my ex husband though... So many days, I feel like having a new life is like cheating on him. Warped, no doubt.

You are absolutely right. The choice is on them. All you are doing is:

- declining to acquiesce to his taking a step that you know is not right - neither for him, nor for the son

- declining to participate in their attempts to create an illusion; whatever feeds their desire to create an illusion - her insecurity or his or both - they have that desire, and you have your right to decline parcipation

That is all you are doing and all you can do - you cannot force him to father the son the way he should, but you can decline to participate in what you know is not right. So your sense of personal boundaries is actually perfect.

Oh great! And breathe in real fresh air! Enjoy!

It is, admittedly, a little warped, but no more warped than most of human thinking and emotion. I am just delighted that you realize that that is what you are feeling (as spondiferous said above, your level of self-awareness is astonishingly high) and trust that such a high level of insight will help you through difficult times.

Ah, I figured out the quotes. Finally. I sometimes reply on my phone, hence short posts. This one though, makes me want to give a little more background on the situation.

I've been both very glad and incredibly sad about keeping those emails. They served a purpose in both the divorce and in dispelling some of the rumors and attempts at rewriting history. They've also been difficult to see, but something in me just won't let me delete that folder. I did however, let hurtful feelings well up. It eats me alive that he would even go there - she knew he had a son and an ex wife when she willingly became his mistress. She was one cheat too many... after an incident where he pulled a knife on me, he was placed in the barracks and given a no contact (with me) order. (He's military). I later discovered, post divorce, that she was caught in the barracks with him, multiple times. My ex husband later admitted that, even after the knife incident, he fully expected that I was going to allow him to come home and that we would eventually work it out. All the while, dallying with this girl, who was 10 years our junior (we're both 35 this year, they were 22 and 32 respectively when she gave him her number at his job. Gross) I truly believe he was shocked when I sat him down and told him we needed to work out the details of our divorce. I told him I was filing and if he didn't want a messy, dragged out fight, we needed to come to an agreement. We did, and I filed the divorce. I moved out September 22, she moved in that night. Pictures later sent of her snuggled on the sofa with my son revealed that my home was still decorated exactly the same, right down to the arrangement of the furniture. That was disturbing. She moved right into my life, without batting an eyelash, or even trying to remove the remnants in the home that were clearly me. It was pretty disgusting.

That's confirmed. I've spoken to her ex husband (who she was married to when she moved in with my ex). She had had two previous miscarriages, yet went into the relationship with my ex husband alleging she could not have children (that's on IM from him too, lamenting that his then "girlfriend" couldn't have children. I told him he was a fool if he believed it. And, lo and behold, not one month later... ugh). I often think my ex waited to marry her until the pregnancy was viable based on the timing of the marriage.

Yes and no. First, the only diamond he could have given her was sold long ago. And, she doesn't wear a ring. Now, when he and I married, it went like this: We had been together a year and ended up splitting up. We cancelled the lease on our home (we had moved in together about three months prior) and I moved out and, moved on. I was casually dating. This was back in the days of Myspace, and I posted a picture of me and the casual boyfriend. This prompted an immediate phone call from him (I had no idea he was still checking my page. I thought he had moved on too... he had a girlfriend). He was in tears, telling me that seeing that picture told him I was never coming back. I tried to be kind and console him. Consoling him led to weekly phone calls, then daily. We were considering getting back together. He had played push pull for far too long (we were at almost a year and a half of off and on at this point). I told him if he wanted me back, he would have to demonstrate a HUGE effort (not believing he would). I told him he would have to 1)find us an apartment, on his own 2)he had six months to propose 3)he had a year for us to get pregnant. He managed to nail down the home and proposing within two months. And then, we got pregnant on the first try. Sooner than we expected, so we ended up JOPing it about a week after the positive pregnancy test. So, you could say that he was "made" to marry me. I had boundaries, and I expected him to stop jerking me around and make an honest woman of me.

See above.

I'm not sure what he realized. I only know that when he mentioned she was "moving back in" after being gone for a month, I expressed feelings of sadness that things seemed to be getting serious quickly for him, just three months post divorce. He flatly stated he wasn't sure if he loved her, but she loved him, for him (which was a problem in his eyes) and he wasn't looking for "anything serious". She popped pregnant not a month later. He concealed the pregnancy from me. I had to find out from a mutual friend when she was about six months along. I ended up having to be the person to prepare our son for a new baby sister... as he planned to take him for a visit post birth, and spring a new stepmom and a new baby on him, in his old home, all at once. And he refused to tell our son about the arrival of his sister on his own. Being that there was a sibling on the way, I attempted to be kind to his new wife... our children share a father. That went the way of the dodo realllllly quick. All my kindness did was cause her to become arrogant and behave as though I was inferior to her. No way was I putting up with that.

I guess so. The first visit with his son after the baby was born (his first visit with him with her in the house), I had to endure her telling me I couldn't call my son, her constant attacks on my parenting (she had the audacity to text things to me, disparaging me as a parent. Example: he asked for McDonalds, and told her his favorite foods were macaroni and cheese and grapes. She took this as me not ever feeding him properly, and openly attacked me for it, despite the fact that 99% of his meals are extremely healthy). I would later discover that her idea of an appropriate meal was a "cheesy roll up" from Taco Bell (a whopping 200 calories, a tortilla with nacho cheese... not enough for a growing boy at all) and that she screamed at our son and berated him when he cried because he missed his mom (these things came out in therapy for him; he came home from a summer visit with nervous, anxious behavior and we immediately went to therapy. We also discovered in therapy that she cared for him unsupervised for 12 hours a day... and my ex husband was not aware of her behaviors and denies them to this day) When I confronted her with her behavior, she alleged my son loved her and called her mom. Not true... the day he came home he called for her from the bathroom, by name. He needed his butt wiped. I still kind of laugh about that. At the pickup for that visit, my ex and I actually went to dinner together with our son and were kind, graceful and very nice to each other. Once she discovered that happened, that's when the war started.

Maybe so. She accuses me of treating her as "less than the dirt under my fingernails". I'm sorry, I tried to be kind. No difficult task, considering she was my ex's mistress... and while I don't fully blame her for the break up of our marriage, I feel she shares the culpability with both the ex and me. Even in the face of that, I knew this woman was going to be a part of my sons life and while I didn't like it, I did my best to accept it and behave gracefully. That went out the window when she started attacking me.

I think you're on target with this, no doubt. I've made many comments disparaging her due to her age and parenting inexperience (albeit, after her behaving like a wretched you-know-what). This is what makes her say I treat her like dirt. Meh. I don't owe her anything.

You're likely correct on this. I hope her hatred of me and feelings of inferiority are powerful motivators... you know, to get a job and an education (she's never had a job). Beyond that, I feel that her insecurities are the actual reason why my ex doesn't call our son. In the post-divorce litigation, he asked for Skype visits with our son once per week. Once it was made clear by my son's therapist that he didn't think contact with the stepmom unsupervised was appropriate (our son expressed in therapy how he felt about her behavior and treatment of him in no uncertain terms), my ex was informed that the Skype visits were for him. He didn't take the first one. He returned our son early from the last visit. He's no longer "allowed" to pick our son up or drop him off without her (she left their very sick child home with a family member to drive with him 24 hours to prevent him "being alone with me"). In all honesty, I feel she is behind the "wish to surrender his rights"... to make his life more peaceful. If the way she has talked to me is one bit of indication, I'm sure she isn't kind to the ex regarding our son.

If my husband's feelings are one tenth of hers, then, to her, my son is a constant reminder that there was a life before her (both her and my husband seem to dislike this thought immensely). At a court hearing last year, both of our spouses were present. The bailiff told them both that they had to wait outside of the courtroom. I have to give my husband credit, he accepted this gracefully. Not the new wife though. She stomped around, slammed the bathroom door, the works. She doesn't like the boundaries I had legally set for her at that hearing (it was put in the paperwork that all discussions regarding our son went between my ex and I, not her and I) and while my husband respects this and doesn't insert himself in the dealings with my ex husband, every other week she's texting me posing as my ex (I can tell by the grammar, syntax and spelling it isn't him, and I just politely text "please give the phone back to "Tom"). She hates me, and I don't like her one bit either. I feel this dynamic creates even more problems between the ex and me. Couple that with unresolved feelings and a general lack of real closure for me, and possibly for him, it makes it a hotbed of negative emotions. Thankfully, I've been smart enough to shield our son from it.

I just wish we could have gotten along post divorce the way we have this week. Well, up until today. Like I said, he's cold again. Ugh, so much more to say. But this is a novel already.

I see.

Thank you for all the clarifications.

Several things are disturbing. And at the same time, those things are GREAT NEWS for your healing process and future life.

1) the knife incident

2) his seemingly being severely retarded in some crucial aspects of his thinking... it is retarded to believe that a 22 year old girl who has had two miscarriages and claims inability to get pregnant is being truthful... since he was in his 30s and a married man with a son etc., and not a teenager, his life experience should have informed him but clearly it did not; suggests some sort of a selective mental retardation that only affects some of the aspects of his thinking and not others. Do not know the name for that, but it is something out of the range of ordinary.

3) his having put your health at risk in the past (that adds to (1) above, with the knife, to paint a very glum picture) - as you very well know, women get pregnant not from immaculate conception, but from sex without condoms and birth control; since he was going back and forth between women, he should have known better than to risk giving you STI's.

4) many more things are disturbing but let us cut to the chase

So no, he is not worth you. And no, you did not commit any faux pas. You did the right thing by divorcing him. Reading your depiction of the court day incident is very reassuring since your current H is clearly a mensch who knows how to conduct himself. And the ex, no, he is not. And was not. So there is nothing you did wrong. It was neither possible nor desirable to keep him. Your feelings for him are precious and an important, integral part of you, currently; hopefully they will some day... no, not evaporate, but go into hybernation, which is good enough... and still remain an important, integral part of your emotional history... but he, as a person, no, no, no, the current guy is better. Very clearly and without any doubt. So to the extent that you were unsure of whether you did the right thing behaviorally by divorcing the first H, you should not feel unsure - it was the right behavioral step. Feelings should be acknowledged, worked through, etc... that you and ex sometimes have a good time together is fine and might promise better time in the future... but to run back to him - no, he is not worth it. Why run back to a man who allows a 22 year old girl to force him (in essence) to relinquish his paternal rights?.. You do not want such a man. Your feelings for such a man are valuable, but the man himself is not.

PS

1) macaroni and cheese with grapes, last I checked, was a complete meal with protein, calcium, carbs, a high liquid content food, which is good, vitamins, fiber, and polyphenols or whatever the name of the good stuff in grapes' skins is... if all American children were to start eating macaroni and cheese with grapes or similar meals on a regular basis tomorrow, some of the national health crisis will resolve itself without further effort.... she is just trying to peeve you, upset you, undermine you, hurt you, and engage in a power struggle with you. It is disturbing to read that your child got a 200 calorie meal. Many many other things are disturbing, but you know that already...

2) That she kept the physical traces of your presence (remnants) intact yet wants to rewrite his life history by deleting you out of it is just bizarre without an explanation.

3) Ex is a COWARD. It takes a coward to attack your wife with a knife and it takes a coward to chicken out of the duty to tell your firstborn that he just got a baby sister. Cowards are not worth you, no, they aren't!

I'm on my phone, so sorry in advance for the short reply. It's a big Ol pain to type on here. Lol. Thanks Hamster for your well thought out replies in all of this. I too find it super odd she's wanting to rewrite history but was all to comfy moving into my old home and not changing the most minor detail. Kind of single white female-ish. He didn't attack me with the knife... He was convinced I was cheating (I wasnt), but I did nothing to dispel the belief and toward the end, encouraged the thought (let him suffer too). The night of the knife incident, he was fully convinced there was a man in the house. He came into the bedroom, knife in hand. And of course, found only me, on the computer. He left, but the military locked him down and forced a 72 hr mental health hold.... During which he admitted that had there been a man in the home, he planned to kill me, kill this "man" and then, himself. He would have left that for our son to find. That was when I finally filed for divorce. I had the fleeting thought that we might not both be alive had I not left and it wasnt going to be me. He was diagnosed with PTSD then. I feel now that I abandoned him when he was clearly suffering.

I guess the biggest hurdle is the still unresolved issues, the general lack of closure, the constant fighting, during which he made it easy to be away because I was angry. Now that I've made a conscious choice to lay aside my anger, which covered everything, I'm forced to deal with the things I wouldn't before.

A coward. Absolutely. I've said that many, many times. Just because I finally remarried doesn't mean his sons life isn't enriched by his good qualities, and even just the fact that he is his biological father. It hurts to watch him abandon him... And I can't help but feel it is in reaction to me abandoning him.

If I am allowed a little sense of humor... before your camping weekend... LostButFound, I do feel that in this PARTICULAR post you do come across as LOST (as per your userid). In your prior posts, you were FOUND. But now you are LOST. And you have lost me.

So...

I am not a native speaker of English but I started learning it at age 6 and have been living in an English speaking country since 21... and also... I have had experience teaching English... so... I hope that I have earned my right... to suggest that your use of the verb "abandon" is inconsistent with the meaning that the word "abandon" has in the minds of most native speakers of English... in that...

If a person A flees from person B, taking her son with her, after she finds out (on top of many other fascinating things she has already found out) that she and her son might otherwise risk their lives at the hands of person B, is not to be said that person A is abandoning person B.

No?..

Quite the valid point. That's one of the reasons it's all so confusing.... To have these feelings that I have, but to know that, in the moment, given the issues at hand, I made the right choice to leave. I've often had a pattern of rationalizing his behavior for him... As I've done just now (ie; were it not for the PTSD, he may not have pulled the knife, thus, in leaving, I "abandoned" him). He has always felt I abandoned him.

That must have been awful.

PTSD ==> flashbacks, nightmares, etc.

But he would not have pulled the knife due to PTSD alone.