How to keep myself in my marriage

I'm trying so hard to keep in this marriage and I'm having the "me and my daughter would be happier without her" thoughts. I'm starting to notice other girls again and I know where that road leads for me because it took me there once before. My wife is so angry and mean and says that I don't understand her and shuts me out when she needs me most. She gets mad at me when she believes I get hit on or if another girl even talks to me. I know she may be depressed but how do I handle it and stay in this marriage. I stay away from all women now because they say things like "you deserve better" and I just don't like hearing it. I'm tired all the time and can't even keep a job anymore because I always quit. I get stressed and then fall asleep a lot when my wife is home and I don't know why. I'm too young to have these problems and I feel like the life is being sucked out of me.

Family therapy would be my suggestion. Set clear goals in the session and ways to work on them. If, after a set amount of time, this is still going on, then you've given it your best shot. Leave. Don't blindside your wife, share these feelings with her in the session and let her know this is the last shot this relationship gets. Your personal happiness is being effected negatively and I know that can't be good for your kiddo.

If therapy isn't an option, sent the kiddo to a friends house or to grandma's for the night and sit down and have an open, honest heart to heart with your wife. Be prepared for all the of the awful things she could say but don't react. When you don't react you can't further the situation. When she's done raging, have three goals set. One you would like to achieve, one you would like her to achieve, and one the family needs to achieve by a certain time frame. Make sure the goals are measurable and not vague. For example, instead of: I want you to be nicer to me, you would make the goal: I would like for you to not yell or cuss at me this week. It states what you want exactly and gives a time frame and is measurable in definition of parameters and time. Also discuss what will happen if those goals aren't met. When I tried to stop biting my nails, I had a nail jar. Each time I caught myself I had to put a dollar in and couldn't touch it until I stopped. If I was successful in not biting my nails, I got a nice pedicure and massage from the money. If I didn't, it went to a charity.

When you talk about her goal, give her the opportunity to formulate it herself. If she chooses not to, make two or three and let her choose the one she wants to work on.

Also set a time frame for how long you are willing to work on it. If things aren't better by __________ date, then I will make arrangements for myself to live elsewhere and file for divorce.

I am sorry you are going though this. Being in a marriage and working on it when you really don't want to be there is tough.

I have been giving everyones advice at shot. I try to have conversations with her to inspire our relationship but if I say just one negative like "We need to work harder to please each other(non sexual)" then she says things like "I'm trying!" and "you always make me look to be the bad person!" and I don't get it because I said "we". Yet I asked her to bring my allergy medicine to me one day and when she got where I was at I ask if she had it and she said "no" and just looked at me like I did something wrong and I just said okay. Does that sound normal? am I not speaking up enough? don't mean to bother you all with all my questions I just don't know.

It sounds like she's having personal issues and you are getting walked all over for it. Set boundaries. When my bf uses a tone with me I don't like or I feel I am being attacked for some unknown reason, I call them on it: Why are you talking to me like that? Why are you attacking me, I just said _______?

When she says I try, ask her how. When she gets upset, let her rage and when she's finished continue the conversation. She's used to you backing down. That's why I suggested you send the kiddo away and spend and entire evening talking about it. Don't let her get away until your points are made and there is some kind of agreement. If she refuses to admit anything, go to counselling, or seek help in some way. Suggest a trial separation for a month or two weeks.

Sometimes when we get stuck in a situation we really can't see what we are losing or what we are or are not doing.

I am not going to give you advice as Rose has not left any aspect untouched.

I am just asking.

You think you will get the custody of the daughter if you divorce?

Because it seems that that is what you think, and I want to know why you are so sure of it.

Hi
Just an offered opinion here....1st thing is COMMITMENT, a word that if used properly takes away options of divorce. 2nd, How is it that other women are telling you that you deserve much better? It seems as if you have broke the golden rule, Never Ever discuss your martial issue with the opposite sex (excluding professionals). Dude, with the perverseness of the world today do you not think that you would be woo'd by the opposite sex with whats best for you?. My advice would be to go home and fall in love with your wife again........Good Luck!!

The thing is I do not know that. In the past my wife has had very little patience for our child to the point when we separated once before in our past and she moved out I was with my daughter a majority of the time. There were times that I couldn't even find her to watch her because I was working two jobs. When my wife speaks of her dreams of starting her own business and traveling she never mentions us in it, so while I don't believe my wife will ever give me custody, which I hope and pray it doesn't come to that, I believe just by hearing her talk that there is little room for a child just like in the past.

Again, Mistrust is in the know. Keep this up and i won't need to post here anymore!

I agree with you. It is not a positive thing to discuss my issues with the opposite sex and has only lead to more confusion for myself. I have distance myself from talking to women about my relationship due to past issues and that’s including my 4 sisters and my mom this time that’s why I'm here. Most of my male friends don't offer the best advice but they do try and I listen up to a certain point. When I got married I never thought divorce to be an option, it's just when you run out of all the options where do you go? How can you tell if someone loves you or they just love the thought of having a family and being in love? I'm not a materialistic person but I have not received a birthday gift a Christmas gift a father’s day gift ever. I have poured all my energy into making her happy that I've lost all my relationships with the outside world. I know some of this sounds stupid but if she is showing her love for me, how?

The thing i don't understand is if you were unhappy enough before to cheat, and you're still unhappy despite your efforts to make things better - do we really need to answer your question? Or are you looking for reaffirmation that divorce is the right thing to do? No one here can give you that unfortunately. I think that if you've genuinely tried your best and are now seriously considering other options, that should be a good enough indication that something has to be done and soon. Good luck.

Never cheated on her. In the past I have left the relationship due to what others have said and even then I didn't start dating anyone until I found out she was dating. I'm just trying to figure out my situation to see why she is like this or maybe it's something I'm doing wrong. I watch my words before speaking as to not say the wrong thing. I talked to her about receiving help again yesterday but she never response to it just as if nothing was ever said. Part of me wants to believe that I'm doing this all wrong. I'm putting all the information I get from this site to use and I know it will take some time............but until then, I vent.

I interpreted the part in bold to be that you had an affair. My apologies. What about family therapy or even couple's therapy? I think if you can try and take the focus off her solely being the one to need help she might be a bit more flexible. Ultimately though we can't make people see what we see, they have to want to get better for themselves and if that just isn't the case then i would sit down with her and explain calmly but firmly that you can't deal with the way things are much longer. It isn't good for the both of you to keep on living this life so maybe now is the time to be decisive and change things if YOU want them to change. People here will be around to support you whatever it is you decide to do. Good luck.

Its cool! What I meant by that is that when things are going great in my relationship I don't see certain things or even when we're having troubles I still don't see other women. When our issues are at it's peak and life starts feeling like no escape then It's like an "ON" button is hit for me. I'm going to try and stay on her about some form of therapy if not for the both of us than just for herself. She was seeing a therapist at one point but I don't know what happened and she won't tell me. Thanks for the support I really do appreciate it. I'm so use to being the one everyone calls on for help and support.

Bless you! I may be on the other side of this equation, and boys are grown, tho one still at home at moment. But doesn't matter, it still hurts. I struggle and can see my hub struggle! I wish you all the best and send you warm wishes and prayers, hope you can get things worked out, for some improvement, someway, to some degree! The best!

sounds like great advice, I am going to try it for myself as well. Hope it helps you! TY, RoseBee!

I truly believe that unless some type of marital or child abuse is going on, this is the best approach. I think if more of us believed in it wholeheartedly, we could all work things out better! Thanks for stating it so well! I personally know the grass is not greener on the other side and how much pain divorce brings children and anyone involved in it. Granted, there are valid reasons for it, and some people do much better after divorce, but many struggle.

My hub has never been big on gifts as I have, but I've finally realized where he does show care and thoughtfulness in other ways. You may be able to get her to articulate some of this, as an earlier poster noted. I've also found that we can expect to much, and go there when we shouldn't. i noticed my husband works around a lot of guys who are divorced and that has changed him, at least provided part of the change. He seemed more amenable to trying in the marriage when he worked around more women and family men. I think I have lowered my expectations a bit of him showing love to me, and I am really happy he's here. So, for me, maybe unlike you, I don't think I'd be better off without him. I have thought that before, I'll admit and sometimes felt outright hatred. BTW for me, second marriage, first for him. I have found some of the forums and articles on PC very helpful for me in dealing with this, since he does not want to go to marriage counselor. He seems to be going through a phase where he is more focused on himself than he might have been before. Might actually be something he needs to go thru. Anyway, don't need to put all stress on me and mine, because this is basically your thread. Just think I can relate in some ways, IMHO, and I wish you all the best!

That's ok, a troubled marriage, particularly with a child, can be really heartbreaking and difficult, and sometimes we all do need to vent!

I have developed outlets and friendships as well as just carrying on when he seems to be absent or I feel pain from his reaction or lack or reaction to me. I know some other folks do this, and it's different from everyone. He usually seems a bit bettter when he takes a break, socializes with a friend, works on a project he enjoys, etc. I've also lowered my expectations to some degree, because too, I love him, and think that he is going thru stuff himself.

I do understand. I in sorts have the same issue. I am a type A personality my wife Type B. I am the initiator in our relationship. I discovered that she was having an affair with a guy that she works with for over a year. my life was devastated by the act. My wife and I both worked in the ministry for many years, home-schooled, and appeared to be the poster board family. When I learned of her affair and confronted her with it she made ever excuse for it, even to the point of making it out to be my fault. Owning up to only the physical aspect. I often question her fidelity in our marriage due to factors as no gifts, no initiation in sex, no hugs, I love you's or any act that says I care. She says that it's just the way she is no big deal. It's hard to read my friend or to be stuck in the middle of confusion. I too find myself at this place often. My wife still works with this guy and they see each other daily, says there is no communication between them but gets mad at accountability. I know it a tough decision to make but I believe your a lot like myself in saying that if you knew what tomorrow would bring then walking today would be easier......

It is great advice and I'm going to try it out.

How about it she can't even tell you why she loves you? My wife states that I'm better with words than she is so it's hard for her to say it.

wow , don't know what to say to that bowooden. Just know I recently asked my hub if he is miserable why is he with me, and he said I dont know. Guess I could interpret that sev ways, but he didnt want to pursue further. Sounds like your wife does, too. Seriously, all expectations aside, are there any small things she does for your marriage? Search your mind! Sometimes I've done this, come up with zilch, othertimes some real stuff, however small. The best, buddy!

Thank you for sharing your story with me it really does help. I know it sounds bad when I said I would be better off but it's only due to the amount of stress I have put myself under. Also, when you said your husband was better when he worked around married people you are right. This is where men faulter at because we tend to always want to be "best friends" instead of "honest friends" and i've seen it happen that why I don't share my problems anymore with them.

Can she write it down, or are there songs that are representative. hub likes songs, course some of these have been bitter sweet. Some folks can't handle outright talking, I've noticed.