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#1
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I'm trying so hard to keep in this marriage and I'm having the "me and my daughter would be happier without her" thoughts. I'm starting to notice other girls again and I know where that road leads for me because it took me there once before. My wife is so angry and mean and says that I don't understand her and shuts me out when she needs me most. She gets mad at me when she believes I get hit on or if another girl even talks to me. I know she may be depressed but how do I handle it and stay in this marriage. I stay away from all women now because they say things like "you deserve better" and I just don't like hearing it. I'm tired all the time and can't even keep a job anymore because I always quit. I get stressed and then fall asleep a lot when my wife is home and I don't know why. I'm too young to have these problems and I feel like the life is being sucked out of me.
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![]() anneo59, anonymous91213, hamster-bamster, Rose3, RoseBee
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![]() Kate King
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#2
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If therapy isn't an option, sent the kiddo to a friends house or to grandma's for the night and sit down and have an open, honest heart to heart with your wife. Be prepared for all the of the awful things she could say but don't react. When you don't react you can't further the situation. When she's done raging, have three goals set. One you would like to achieve, one you would like her to achieve, and one the family needs to achieve by a certain time frame. Make sure the goals are measurable and not vague. For example, instead of: I want you to be nicer to me, you would make the goal: I would like for you to not yell or cuss at me this week. It states what you want exactly and gives a time frame and is measurable in definition of parameters and time. Also discuss what will happen if those goals aren't met. When I tried to stop biting my nails, I had a nail jar. Each time I caught myself I had to put a dollar in and couldn't touch it until I stopped. If I was successful in not biting my nails, I got a nice pedicure and massage from the money. If I didn't, it went to a charity. When you talk about her goal, give her the opportunity to formulate it herself. If she chooses not to, make two or three and let her choose the one she wants to work on. Also set a time frame for how long you are willing to work on it. If things aren't better by __________ date, then I will make arrangements for myself to live elsewhere and file for divorce. ![]()
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Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. http://cookknitdance.tumblr.com/ |
![]() anneo59, bowooden, hamster-bamster, Kate King
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#3
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I have been giving everyones advice at shot. I try to have conversations with her to inspire our relationship but if I say just one negative like "We need to work harder to please each other(non sexual)" then she says things like "I'm trying!" and "you always make me look to be the bad person!" and I don't get it because I said "we". Yet I asked her to bring my allergy medicine to me one day and when she got where I was at I ask if she had it and she said "no" and just looked at me like I did something wrong and I just said okay. Does that sound normal? am I not speaking up enough? don't mean to bother you all with all my questions I just don't know.
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![]() anneo59, anonymous91213
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#4
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It sounds like she's having personal issues and you are getting walked all over for it. Set boundaries. When my bf uses a tone with me I don't like or I feel I am being attacked for some unknown reason, I call them on it: Why are you talking to me like that? Why are you attacking me, I just said _______?
When she says I try, ask her how. When she gets upset, let her rage and when she's finished continue the conversation. She's used to you backing down. That's why I suggested you send the kiddo away and spend and entire evening talking about it. Don't let her get away until your points are made and there is some kind of agreement. If she refuses to admit anything, go to counselling, or seek help in some way. Suggest a trial separation for a month or two weeks. Sometimes when we get stuck in a situation we really can't see what we are losing or what we are or are not doing. ![]()
__________________
Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. http://cookknitdance.tumblr.com/ |
![]() anneo59, bowooden, hamster-bamster
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#5
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I am just asking. You think you will get the custody of the daughter if you divorce? Because it seems that that is what you think, and I want to know why you are so sure of it. |
![]() anneo59
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#6
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Just an offered opinion here....1st thing is COMMITMENT, a word that if used properly takes away options of divorce. 2nd, How is it that other women are telling you that you deserve much better? It seems as if you have broke the golden rule, Never Ever discuss your martial issue with the opposite sex (excluding professionals). Dude, with the perverseness of the world today do you not think that you would be woo'd by the opposite sex with whats best for you?. My advice would be to go home and fall in love with your wife again........Good Luck!!
__________________
A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity. Deputy 154 ![]() |
![]() Ladyzero
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![]() anneo59, bowooden, Ladyzero, lynn P.
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#7
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The thing is I do not know that. In the past my wife has had very little patience for our child to the point when we separated once before in our past and she moved out I was with my daughter a majority of the time. There were times that I couldn't even find her to watch her because I was working two jobs. When my wife speaks of her dreams of starting her own business and traveling she never mentions us in it, so while I don't believe my wife will ever give me custody, which I hope and pray it doesn't come to that, I believe just by hearing her talk that there is little room for a child just like in the past.
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![]() anneo59, anonymous91213, hamster-bamster
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#8
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![]() anneo59
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#9
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I agree with you. It is not a positive thing to discuss my issues with the opposite sex and has only lead to more confusion for myself. I have distance myself from talking to women about my relationship due to past issues and that’s including my 4 sisters and my mom this time that’s why I'm here. Most of my male friends don't offer the best advice but they do try and I listen up to a certain point. When I got married I never thought divorce to be an option, it's just when you run out of all the options where do you go? How can you tell if someone loves you or they just love the thought of having a family and being in love? I'm not a materialistic person but I have not received a birthday gift a Christmas gift a father’s day gift ever. I have poured all my energy into making her happy that I've lost all my relationships with the outside world. I know some of this sounds stupid but if she is showing her love for me, how? |
![]() anonymous91213, hamster-bamster
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![]() Kate King
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#10
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The thing i don't understand is if you were unhappy enough before to cheat, and you're still unhappy despite your efforts to make things better - do we really need to answer your question? Or are you looking for reaffirmation that divorce is the right thing to do? No one here can give you that unfortunately. I think that if you've genuinely tried your best and are now seriously considering other options, that should be a good enough indication that something has to be done and soon. Good luck.
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#11
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![]() anneo59, anonymous91213
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#12
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![]() anneo59, bowooden
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#13
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Its cool! What I meant by that is that when things are going great in my relationship I don't see certain things or even when we're having troubles I still don't see other women. When our issues are at it's peak and life starts feeling like no escape then It's like an "ON" button is hit for me. I'm going to try and stay on her about some form of therapy if not for the both of us than just for herself. She was seeing a therapist at one point but I don't know what happened and she won't tell me. Thanks for the support I really do appreciate it. I'm so use to being the one everyone calls on for help and support.
Last edited by bowooden; Jul 08, 2013 at 08:21 AM. Reason: spelling |
![]() anneo59, anonymous91213
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#14
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#16
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#17
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My hub has never been big on gifts as I have, but I've finally realized where he does show care and thoughtfulness in other ways. You may be able to get her to articulate some of this, as an earlier poster noted. I've also found that we can expect to much, and go there when we shouldn't. i noticed my husband works around a lot of guys who are divorced and that has changed him, at least provided part of the change. He seemed more amenable to trying in the marriage when he worked around more women and family men. I think I have lowered my expectations a bit of him showing love to me, and I am really happy he's here. So, for me, maybe unlike you, I don't think I'd be better off without him. I have thought that before, I'll admit and sometimes felt outright hatred. BTW for me, second marriage, first for him. I have found some of the forums and articles on PC very helpful for me in dealing with this, since he does not want to go to marriage counselor. He seems to be going through a phase where he is more focused on himself than he might have been before. Might actually be something he needs to go thru. Anyway, don't need to put all stress on me and mine, because this is basically your thread. Just think I can relate in some ways, IMHO, and I wish you all the best!
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![]() bowooden
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#18
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![]() bowooden
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#19
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![]() bowooden
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#20
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__________________
A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity. Deputy 154 ![]() |
#21
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It is great advice and I'm going to try it out.
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#22
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![]() anneo59
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#23
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wow , don't know what to say to that bowooden. Just know I recently asked my hub if he is miserable why is he with me, and he said I dont know. Guess I could interpret that sev ways, but he didnt want to pursue further. Sounds like your wife does, too. Seriously, all expectations aside, are there any small things she does for your marriage? Search your mind! Sometimes I've done this, come up with zilch, othertimes some real stuff, however small. The best, buddy!
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![]() bowooden
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#24
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![]() anneo59
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![]() anneo59
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#25
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Can she write it down, or are there songs that are representative. hub likes songs, course some of these have been bitter sweet. Some folks can't handle outright talking, I've noticed.
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