I need a reality check.

My bf and I were talking today because he's noticed I've been a bit depressed and concerned about my behavior of knitting while staring at the wall. I am not really staring at the wall, I am just thinking and my eyes don't need to be on my hands while knitting so I am just staring my bonsai tree or something.

I asked him this question: You know I am really stressing out about next week, and if it doesn't go well, can I go away for the week during future visits? I really can't handle all of this stress right now, and I don't know if it's the visit or the dr stuff or both. ( I go for a second round of tests tomorrow.)

His response: It's ten days a year, I think you can sacrifice ten days. I don't want you gone from me for a week. When I don't like something can I go away for a week? Can you give up 10 days out of 365? A lot people see their kids every other weekend

My response: I don't know, but I do know that I don't date guys with kids. I'm giving it a shot. I know it seems awful, but you are seeing what it's doing to me. You also told me once that he wasn't my problem, and for something that's not my problem, I am being deeply affected. If I am with you, at least for ten days, he's also my problem. So, I don't really see it that way.

With that, he got some water, and the conversation was over. I am reeling a little bit because, come on...it's ten flippin' days. A kid gets to see his dad 10 days a year and *I* can't handle it...REALLY?!?! WTH is wrong with me?!

Then there is the side of me that is whispering, "He can see what this is doing to you and he is kinda being a little selfish because he doesn't you away when you clearly would be more happy."

I can feel myself changing toward him as well, I find myself distancing from him, not wanting to be intimate with him, or doing any cooking or
cleaning. (Not my nature. I love to cook and clean things.)

Is this the beginning of the end or just a shut down response to stress? I feel a little depressed and it gets a little worse with feelings of anxiety each day it gets closer to the arrival of the kiddo. There is a bit of guilt and sadness on my part because I can't get over the stupid issue and just move on with being in a good relationship. There is also A LOT of resentment surfacing at not being told on the first or second date about the kid. I see this relationship becoming slowly toxic unless I change my view of it and the kiddo drastically. I can't seem to find a view that fits me yet, but am working to find one. Right now, I am working on cultivating a relationship with the kiddo in case my bf and I have kid so that my daughter (I want a girl..) will have an older brother figure. (Thanks Ham-Bam)

I don't even know what advice to ask for this time. I guess this is more of a rant. My therapist was concerned when I saw her today. Her exact words were : "I haven't seen you this stressed and angry ever...what's wrong?" I just stared at her for a moment and replied, "Umm...I was trying to smile.." I wrote out my three goals for continuing the relationship and began writing steps to get there.

She told me that she thinks I am in a cycle of grief and by this time next year, I will be a lot better. Also, she says PMS and possible cancer stress are exacerbating the issues. (Really.....thanks for noticing.) So, I guess advice on how to grieve not being told about the kiddo up front and not becoming a little ball of darkness in the process? Like I said, this is more of a rant. I am just trying to come up with something so your time isn't wasted by the reading of my whining. (I also just needed to get it out. Thanks for reading.)

Okay, i'm a little confused about certain details. Are you living with your bf? Is he expecting you to babysit? I dont understand why he isnt taking ten days off work and spending them with the child himself. He should be focusing on him, not distracting himself with you. That or he should be focusing on your health issues. But you plus kiddo is number 3 at least on my list of priorities. What is his control issue with the ten days? Seems like a line in the sand.

I am babysitting for half days, and he is taking half days off of work. He works from home, so it's not really like babysitting. I do live with him.

I have been having a hard time dealing with him having a kiddo since I found out five months into the relationship about him, and he knew up front I don't date guys with kids. Long story short I decided to give it a go because I was madly head over heels for him.

Well, Rose, it is a rant because you are justified in wanting to rant - the comment about sacrificing 10 days justifies that.

Let us see... 10 days is 8 business days and 2 weekend days.

In America, a typical employer provides how many vacation days?..

...not that many more than 8 business days. More, but not that many more.

So he is essentially trying to say that it is not a big deal to sacrifice an amount of time that is not much shorter than your typical American vacation. How is that not a big deal? Plus, in reality, you will need time to:

1) prepare for the visit
2) recover from the visit

If you take the days needed of (1) and (2) combined, and add them to the 10 calendar days of the actual stay, you will have exhausted your vacation.

And that is not a big deal for him?

So you have to take off work to babysit? Let's call a spade a spade. He is being cheap and trying to run a guilt trip on you. In the meantime, you're actually suffering, and it's an inconvenience to him. I know a good man is hard to find, but so is a good woman. Dont sell yourself down the river. Ie call him on his bullcrap. You'll both feel better.

You do mention, wanting a child someday, hopefully a daughter.

The root of the issue, as I am reading this, is the lack of honesty, right up front. Lack of trust, right off the bat, after being involved 5 months, and solidifying a relationship, *poof*, btw, I have a kid and need you to watch him 1/2 days 10 days(a year, did you say?)

PMS, impending testing, sure, it's triggering(hmmmm...I am going through both of those, too, right now..so um, wouldn't it stand to reason, you and I would be in the same 'angry' stages of grief )

So, I am going to say, it's the trust factor, first and foremost! This is not the life you envisioned with him, when you agreed to get serious!!

Just being facetious:

So let us say that tomorrow you wake up realizing that you forgot to tell him about your extended family - uncles, aunts, cousins twice removed with their young babies, etc. - who all play an important role in your life and will all be visiting soon - before Christmas - and that you expect him to entertain them and change the diapers of the babies (cousins twice removed have babies who need diaper changes).

And when he asks you questions, tell him that he should be grateful that the extended family visit won't last long - they will be gone after two months. And then won't come back for another year.

Well, I am a teacher, so I have the time off. I do have to rearrange my life when he visits. For example, I changed my schedule of classes while is here, and I feel like I have to find things to do to entertain him. Now, the time off will be more of an issue once I am out of the classroom and am an assistant principal. Instead of having almost three months off, I will have a month to a month and a half depending on if I work with elementary or secondary. Most districts in my area have AP's work a week after the teachers are gone and then come back three to four weeks before them. So, in essence, I will be returning to work the week after he's visited.

I do feel like he is running a guilt trip on me and he's not seeing my side of it. I do like the feeling of being needed, but not when it's to, what I feel is, my own detriment. We talked a little bit more last night and he's afraid I won't come back if I leave. Which is something I can understand because I have been giving off wonky vibes lately and he's seen the crying, anxious, panicky side of me. (It's not my MO.) He also has to understand that he is the cause of those root emotions. I feel better when I talk to him about it, but I really feel like I am just circular whining and beating a dead horse. I will just try to relax and see how next week goes, keep working with my therapist, and see where/how it plays out.

ROFL, I do have a rather large family in Ireland who are itching to come see REAL COWBOYS in Texas.... It will be you scenario only with Irish accents and cowboy hats!

It is the trust factor that I am dealing with right now. I think that's where a lot of my anxiety is coming from. Right now it's ten days, but what if the kiddo wants to come live with him one day? What then? Like it or not, at that point, I will be a mother figure in his life. Will I even get a say? I am working on that with my therapist. Everything else he has told me has been the whole truth and I haven't caught him in a single lie in our relationship, so that helps.

You just need to go through the anxiety and not think about it so much. Thinking makes it worse.

You should be mad at your boyfriend but I don't think you should punish the kid for existing. Fears don't disappear and if you go on vacation for 10 days and avoid them you are only reinforcing the fear. I think confronting the fear is the best way to go about it. I went on a trip (just got back 8 hrs ago) and experienced what would be crippling anxiety. I could have spent a lot of time thinking about my fear of meeting and talking to strangers or I could persist through the anxiety and deal with the physical symptoms after the fact. I am experiencing sleep deprivation, have puked recently, and have had bowl/heartburn for the past 5 days. The whole time I was playing [a card game] my body was under extreme stress which led to the physical manifestations of anxiety. It is impossible to teach my body and mind that its okay if I don't go through with the exposure.

Maybe I am being harsh, but it doesn't make sense to stay in a committed relationship with someone who has children and not be there for the kid when they visit. You're speculating too much and not allowing yourself to live in the present. /IF/ the child decides to stay with the father, you can deal with it when it comes up. Don't worry about a problem that doesn't exist yet.

I am trying to work through this I can stay in this relationship. If I can't, then I will leave it and find someone else without children. That's why I am going to therapy and talking it over with him.

Regardless you are trying to avoid a trigger by leaving. Exposure is usually the best way to overcome anxiety.

On another note I have something that can help nausa related to anxiety.
5-7 slices of ginger
Half a lemon
some cinnamon (not a lot)
Boil in water for 15 minutes
Add honey to taste.

You have to drink it while its warm. Another member sent it to me and its helped. I don't mean to be an asshole either. Sorry about that.

I am going to experience it this time to face the fear. The leaving was a peace offering to see if I could compromise staying in the relationship, but not having to be around the kiddo if I start to lose my hair from anxiety or something. I am not sure if this is making any sense to anyone but me. I just had a second biopsy (second opinion) and am a little woozy. I am pretty sure I am just hitting the keyboard like a monkey hitting a whack a mole.

It makes perfect sense.

Confusedinomicon looked at this issue interpreting it as an anxiety issue, which is yet another perfectly valid and helpful way to interpret it (Confusedinomicon, thanks very much for the recipe, I will buy ginger root and cinnamon tonight because I have too much anxiety surrounding my upcoming trip to see my son; should I buy a few cinnamon sticks or a bottle with powder?), but her take on your issue does not negate your own take - that you came up with the leaving-as-a-compromise-and-as-an-olive-branch rather than leaving-as-a-way-to-flee-from-fear.

In reality, there could be both facets of motivation present, some known to you and some not known to you.

Do you have to see him all 10 days? It may help if you keep it to several hours a day and talk to your t about grounding techniques. Kids are entertained easily and I think I read you're a teacher. Have something like tums if you get heartburn like I do when Im anxious. Most of all focus on the child and being present. My anxiety spiked but I focused on my goal of enjoying myself despite my stomach twisting and being in pain throughout the trip. It helps a lot if you are able to laugh. Also may help to have your boyfriend stay with you the first day.

I can tell you really want this to work out.

I do really want it to work, that's why I am working so hard at it. I am a teacher (special ed teacher) with a bag of fun tricks and kid management techniques. I know we can pass our time building marshmallow catapults to fling dog treats at the wall, (Moxie can clean up our mess that way...) play video games, craft stuff from sculpy clay, make fun treats like pb&j sushi, orange rind jello, etc, and my kitchen is also a science lab for making chewing gum, gummy insects, silly putty, and edible play dough. There is also a pool outside my window and a park that I can see from my balcony. I am going to try to enjoy it as much as possible, but there is that stubborn two year old me inside that is digging in her heels screaming "I DO NOT want to do this and I shouldn't have to. You tricked me and it's UNFAIR".

Which card game were you playing?

Pokemon. There is a competitive scene although it isn't huge. It was fun but exhausting. I am actually happy I didn't drink on the trip.

The description of what you could do sounds enticing. If it is so nice written down, I bet it will be even nicer when enacted.

Also, since the child does not have special needs, while you are a special ed teacher, you are, sort of, OVER-qualified to entertain him. I hope this point will give you some reassurance - you know MORE than an average person does about entertaining children. I remember that you made that point yourself, but with the purpose of highlighting the fact that your babysitting services would be exorbitantly expensive given your level of skill and the number of years in training. This is true. But also, and independently, that means that you will succeed with all that advanced level of skill and all those years in training.

Cool! I go to anime and gaming conventions so I see a lot of card gaming.

I think you may be barking up the wrong tree with this one. A person's child should not be considered "extended" family, regardless of the distance between them.

If you are not at all interested in becoming this boy's "mother" (or stepmother), I wouldn't bother trying to develop a relationship with the child. If you are not at all interested in being "motherly" to all his children, past and future, I wouldn't bother testing out your nurturing skills on either one of them (bf or his son).

Good luck - who knows, maybe you and the kiddo will get along great

I think your wanting to go away for a time (whether during the 10 days or otherwise) should be OK. We all need to get away sometimes; and I think your gut is telling you the truth. Do what you need to do to be well. He has a choice now to be helpful to you or not. If he told you the kid is not your problem, then he needs to back that up with behavior that confirms this statement. He is not doing that. (and, since the kid was a surprise, he really needs to be extra understanding; needs to understand this is Serious for you, and that right now, how you feel and what you need is Important) I wouldn't hesitate to let him know his actions now can, and likely will, determine if you can be there for him at all....
I am so sorry you are going through this.

That's what I am trying to figure out. He considers the kiddo to be extended family, as you put it: "I feel like in most ways, he's not even really my kid."

I have so much fear and anxiety concerning this situation, I want to avoid it, but am meeting it head on. I have a symbol problem. The kid, while being a little breathing ball of genetic material running around, is also symbolic. I don't like reminders of his past relationships, who does? He is also a reminder that I will be the second "baby mama" in his life if we progress that far. I don't want that. Then there's my stubborn little two year old self digging in her heels at being made to do something she doesn't want to do. Yes, I consciously know I am making the choices here and no one can MAKE me do anything.

I go between being okay with everything, hating my bf...because well....why not?, and a teary little blob (where I am now) because of a reality I can't change and must accept for this relationship to work out.

He's tired of my mood swings and, frankly, so am I. I want them over and done with and make a damn decision. I am exhausted.

Thank you.

Irish heritage would explain your having red hair.

Which hopefully also means that you are fearless .