Trying to Understand Aspie Spouse

I haven't been on here in a really long time.

I married my Aspie. I am an NT. We have been seeing counselors for about a year now. They haven't been able to get thru to him. We started seeing a new one, and he told me flat out my husband can't connect to me emotionally. He doesn't understand how to, and may never understand how to even if I tell him specifically what to do.

Here is my dilemma. We have no sex life, but then a week ago he used me for sex. It was obvious. He left me so totally aroused I physically hurt. He hasn't touched me since. I have told him how to make up for this. I have explained how much he hurt me. He has done nothing. He just shuts down.

I just found out my father has a serious health issue. He is going to see an oncologist later this week. They think he has cancer. This is very heart breaking for me because I am very close to my father. I looked to my husband to talk to him. I told him exactly what I wanted, and I didn't get it.

I am so upset. I am upset my husband would just do nothing, even after I have specifically told him what I need and what to do. I am upset because of what is happening with my father. What do I do?

I was always told to be very specific. As of late, he has totally quit communicating with me. It was my birthday, and he did nothing. I am on Fb and belong to some closed and private groups. They have all told me if this is how he is, I will not be able to count on him, and I need to find a different support network. How do you not count on your husband?

He is so totally lost in his own world. We haven't had any kind of intimacy is going on four weeks, unless you count how he used me. He has said he is sorry, but yet he hasn't touched me. I can't take being ignored by him. I need to figure out how to get thru to him that if his behavior doesn't change I am going to divorce him. And yes, I have told him that exactly like that.

He works a seasonal part time job. I work full time, and I pay the bills, and he still keeps his own private savings account along with the joint account. I never know what money he has coming or going because he doesn't communicate with me. I take care of everything it feels like, and when I ask specifically for help he may or may not help me.

We just had the conversation that I need him to communicate with me, show me some kind of emotion and affection daily, and I need intimacy. We have only been married a little over a year. We have been together about five. He has totally stopped trying since we've been married. I have needs as a women. Pardon my language, but him taking care of his needs in the bathroom and ignoring me isn't helping our relationship.

How do I get thru to my husband he is tearing our marriage apart?!

Is there any kind of autism or aspergers association you could speak to for help?

That said, you sound very unhappy and it would be totally reasonable if you felt you couldn't go on. Have you told him all of this, and I mean all of it?

I find myself wondering: what made you marry him in the first place?

Have you clearly told him your needs? Is his behavior different since you married? You need to be able to state your needs clearly and calmly. From what you say, it sounds like he is in total control of your relationship. Is this how you want to live? Aspie's are different. I have an Aspie daughter. Aspie's arent for everyone. You have some serious conversations and decisions to make. I sent good thoughts and a calm mood to help you through this.

Thank you both.

I have had a very lengthy and calm conversation with him about all of this and then some. Over and over, making him repeat me, and trying to make him focus on me. I sometimes wonder why I married him too. I came very close to calling off the wedding because he did his usual 'I'm not there when you need me'. I have been so blunt with him I feel selfish sometimes. Yes his behavior has changed since we got married. He has become more self absorbed. Our newest counselor, who has so far been the best one, has told me he sees a very parental relationship between us, and he can tell it's frustrating me and burning me out. Now, add that my husband has all but stopped doing what I ask of him, or basically me telling him what I need from him, and we are to the point we are at now. I have told him this is all going to lead to divorce. I need him to work with me. The consequences of his actions will be divorce if he doesn't give me communication, emotion, and intimacy daily. I even explained that intimacy could be easily mixed with the emotion and as simple as a kiss and hug at bedtime telling me he loves me. I don't expect sex daily. More than once a month would sure be nice.

I can't figure out how to get thru to him he's killing our marriage. I can't keep it together much longer. I'm tired of feeling abandoned. He is negligent to the point of abuse. When he used me for sex, I know he didn't do it on purpose. It was his negligence that is so pervasive in our relationship. He used to try. He used to at least put forth effort, but he doesn't anymore and just shuts down. Our last counselor said I was nagging him to the point he shut down. I asked how to stop that. He said since my husband doesn't do what I ask, he sees why I nag, and he had no good answer for me. So basically, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Now I have a father with serious health issues, and I can't even lean on my husband for support?! How do I get thru to him? Is there any possible way? Because if there isn't, I think we are on a one way street to divorce. I love him so much it hurts, but I can't feel abandoned and alone all the time. I can't feel like he doesn't love me back. I need to love myself more, and that hurts too.

Do you have a therapist of your own? If not I think one may be able to help you.

If he is unwilling to try and give you want you need/want or deserve then maybe it is time to end the marriage. You should not have to constant tell him how he should treat and respond to you. Aspie or not.

I hope things work out for you Dad.

I do. My counselor has told me the same thing. I don't understand how an any person, after being told what you want and what you expect, especially when it's not even hard, can't do it. What mental block is there that stops them. I know his anxiety is an issue, but the counselor didn't think it was that bad. Maybe it is? I'm just at such a loss.

I find it so ironic that I just got an email this morning reminding me Aspies don't typically posses the ability to read between the lines and direct communication is really the key to making your relationship work. I find that ironic because I work hard everyday to do that. Now if I could get him to communicate with me that would be something.

Thank you Christina.

You shouldn't have to write off your husband's inability to respect you as being a symptom of Aspergers. If you can't count on him, feel ignored, and he won't support you, there's no excuse to justify his behavior.

I wonder how much of this can be accounted for by Autism.

Good questions...and points well taken. Aspies have a huge diversity. Some have some symptoms, others don't. If he weren't am Aspie would this type of behavior be acceptable? You have some big decisions to make.

It seems like your husband has always been this way and you've hoped and hoped that he will change. Did you think marriage would change him, for example?

I think that, for your own sake, it's time to seriously consider giving up.

I vote that your husband is just being an unsupportive jerk. He doesn't have to have Asberger's for that to happen. I know, I am the one with Asperger's, whereas mine is NT.

Sorry my last post didn't make sense as you mentioned he's got worse - I think you aren't getting what you need at all here.

I made a very large realization. My husband, although very happy to be married, is so entrenched in his own world, that he won't step out of his comfort zone enough to make the relationship work. I have decided to talk to the counselor about his inflexibility.

I think my mind already knows what I need to do, but heart isn't ready yet. It's a hard place to be. Thank you everyone for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

Oh, and tinyrabbit, in response, I did not expect to change him. Until we got married, even though we had quite a few problems, he always tried. It might take him a day or so to let things sink in, but he always put his best foot forward. I could handle the slowness, as long as he tried. Since we have been married, he has stopped. I feel like I'm married on his terms, and his terms are me being the all knowing and all forgiving wife because he has AS, and he has the luxury of staying in his world and only doing what he wants to.

Sad, but true.

I think you should leave him, because he is not being apologetic or concerned.

I have dated (eating together at restaurants, emails, and a few light kisses, and then other things intervened, but eventually I plan to resume dating him) a guy who has bipolar and is an Aspie.

He double checked with me; he worried that perhaps his facial expressions did not communicate his true feelings properly, etc. In other words, he was apologetic and concerned.

I would not have OPTED into dating an Aspie intentionally, because I am the exact opposite of that (I am great at reading between the lines... reading facial expressions of others... having animated facial expression and body language myself, etc.), but, since I, sort of, ended up with this guy without choosing him (he did not say he had Asperger's for several months), I now say: "OK, an Aspie is still a person so why not?? He is concerned and a bit apologetic, so we can make things work."

And your Husband is not concerned, nor apologetic.

So I think it cannot work.

I am sorry to say, but it seems that he misled you into marrying him - he professed to be concerned, but then dropped the ball.

I am sorry, but it seems that the earlier you separate yourself from him, the more mental energy you will have left - and you need the mental energy on account of the situation with your dad. You cannot waste your mental energy now.

Well, we have entered into a game changer for everyone involved. He may have finally gotten a full time job, if he didn't sabotage it already. He has asked me to please be patient with him. He loves me, and he is hoping things will improve now that he can contribute more financially. Money is an issue, don't get me wrong, but it's not our biggest issue. I almost wish it was. But, the fact he asked me to stay with him, makes me think he wants to try again. I sure do hope so.

My heart is not in line with my head. I love him. It makes it so hard to be rational with him.

We had a small incident on Monday, and I realized I have gotten used to so much with him. We had gone to a local water park on Monday with my daughter and one of her friends. He was fine until we got home. Keep in mind, he hates water and hates swimming. He doesn't care if it's supposed to be a family day, yet he tells my daughter she has to go to things he wants because it's a family day whether she wants to or not. I put my foot down and told him he had to go if he makes her go. Well, we got home, and my daughter had to use the bathroom really bad. I knew what she had to do and knew it would be a little bit, and I said that to my hub. He didn't give her but five minutes and knocked on the door and said hurry up, I need to use the bathroom too. I was so pissed. I actually had to scold him like a kid! I said if that was you in the bathroom she would have had to wait, and you can wait to. Be patient and give her a chance to use the bathroom. So he sat down on the stairs next to the bathroom and pouted! April came out very shortly after that, and I apologized to her for him, and he darted in the bathroom without a second glance and not a peep out of him. She knows he's different. She is too with her PDD, which I think makes her more understanding than most, but what he did was totally uncalled for, but he sees nothing wrong with it and won't apologize! UGH!

Let me make sure I understand what happened fully.

She is a child. She has PDD. She understands that he is different. She is actually more understanding than most.

He is an adult. Has has Asperger's, but he does not see that he did something wrong, won't apologize even though you modeled apologizing in front of him, and, he pouted. And, in addition, he does not understand that adults' capacity to hold urine in the bladder is larger than children's.

If that is true, then she is emotionally older (more mature) than he is.

Hamster-bamster - you are correct. Even though my daughter, while physically 14 is emotionally closer to 12, is still more mature about many things than my 41 year old Aspie spouse.

The Facebook groups I am part of, closed and private groups, have confirmed they all go thru similar issues with their Aspie spouses, so I know I'm not alone in this. What I don't understand is how absolutely blind my husband can be. I tell him what he needs to do, yet he still doesn't do it. Our counselor is afraid my husband's "learning curve" my be greater then my patience. He gives me credit for still trying.

Even though each individual with AS is different, they do possess some similarities. Those similarities are what we talk about in the Fb groups, and how to cope with them better. Some have spouses that will openly admit they are having a melt down, or they just had one. My husband doesn't really have melt downs,but he completely withdraws into himself. It would be nice if he would take responsibility for his actions. Honestly, I think if he started doing that, and started learning how to make amends when he makes mistakes, I could probably work around many of his other traits because he can be a very kind a caring man.

yeah, but withdrawing into himself and pouting when the girl used the bathroom are not exactly the same thing, are they? Withdrawing into himself can definitely be hard on you, but it is - more or less - neutral. Pouting and not apologizing to the girl were not neutral - they were all clear statements of his attitude.