I've known my husband for 8 years. Married for 4.5 years now. Things started getting bad even before marriage. Just 10 months ago I find out he has had serious depression all his life. And suddenly my last 7 years with him makes sense. 1 year at start was good.
I cheated on him online 4 years ago. After suffering 3 years of emotional battering and unavailability I succumbed to the escape route and kind words of online strangers. I'm not making excuses. I accept responsibility.

He never spoke with me. Treated me with silence and my blatant attempts to ask his support cuz I had a miserable day at work were brushed off like an annoying pest.
I wasn't emotionally. Sexually. Financially taken care of by him. He moved countries to be with me n couldn't find employment. So I attributed his grumpiness n sullen moods to him being a man not being able to provide for his woman.
I have a super flash job and never once treated Like its my money or show any signs of dissatisfaction. To protect his ego I have silently suffered and since he's a deep sleeper have even stooped down to the level of talking to his sleeping body and put his arms around me and act like my monologue is a conversation. People might say, u should've told him how u feel. I did. He shooed me away. Not like a dog but like an adorable petulant child.
I married him knowing how he's become. Hoping a job and his home ground would fix things.
In the process after few months of marriage and still no support of any form from him I started looking for people to talk. I can't to my friends cuz my friends love him, adore him and think I'm blessed to have him. And in general I have created a lovely image of him to friends and family cuz I wanted him to feel comfortable in my home ground.
Im decent looking and i get hit on by a lotta men. Also get hit on by women. I'm a bisexual. I started looking for anonymous help from strangers. Sometimes I visited psychic chat to help me with meditation and other stuff. Sometimes I went to dating sites. I never once tried anything funny with another man though I was tempted. Felt that would add Insult to his injury. But cheating is cheating. I know that. Man woman. Online. In person. Doesn't matter. But it felt good being able to talk. To connect. To feel excited. To get my self worth back. I don't blame it on my husbands coldness towards me. I blame it on my weakness and lack of strength to deal with it in a more ethical and pragmatic manner.
I was caught.... And his heart broke but we fixed it or I thought we did until I find out 15 days ago that the last four years my husband has not been in love with me. And that explains a lot of his behaviour. And though I was busy bein upset with his attitude and coldness and sudden outbursts and emotionally attacking me I never knew my cheating was the problem (though his behaviour was the same even before I cheated).
So the last 2 months I have been in his country cuz he moved here for job. This is his home ground. I'm the visitor. And things are still the same. So the excuse about him not having a job and him in my country falls flat. In the last 2 months we've had a million break ups. But I've never been able to let go.

15 days ago he broke up one last time and said its not working and he cant make me happy and disclosed that he fell out of love and its cuz of my cheating. I took responsibility cuz this came as a shock cuz I thought that was dealt with. And BEGGED him to give it another chance cuz NOW I know what the real problem is.
The last 15 days I've done serious research on how to fix stuff and how to be a good wife and how to accept him with all his flaws. How to deal with spouses depression. Allllll the how to websites and many psychological forums and websites and marriage counselling online. I'm working hard to use this last chance given to me. And I have been transformed into this wife that every man wants. The times we did have sex has been mind blowing cuz He complained he doesnt feel like i wanna have sex and i researched on how to make your partner secure in bed and feel craved for and applied it. When he complains to me. I take it into account and address the issue with online help on just plain love.
He has said he has given US a chance and not me a chance. He says he wants it too and loves me and cares about me and bla bla.
The last 15 days in reality feels exactly like the last 7 years. When I don't fix a prob it doesn't get fixed. When I don't Communicate he does not communicate. When I do not initiate he does not initiate. Last night I told him I am miserable. I am sad I am scared to come to him with any problem because i am afraid he might leave me. I was very vocal and communicative and I made it blatantly clear I need him to take initiative this time around. I said I have come to you with a grievance and will let u handle it whichever way u seem fit.
There has been nothin that I did to hurt him. My logic is when u complained I acted swiftly on fixing it. And u say u want this jus as much as I do yet when I tell you I am miserable u do nothing about it.
He has spent this whole day avoiding me or having minimal or irrelevant conversation about washing and shopping, gardening. This one time I wanna see if hell take the initiative to fix things. And like everytime these last 15 days I fear ill have to bring up the pink elephant again.

We have a long distance relationship. Everyone is happy to blame the distance. But infact it is the close quarters that cause trouble. When he works all day long I miss him and I don't get to see his emotionally cold side. Today is Saturday. He's home and I havent stopped crying.

Before you judge this MONSTER.... He's a good. Faithful. Honest. Kind. Pleasant man. He will win u alllll over in no time. I am the enemy cuz I am the only one who knows of his depression and bring it up and ask him to fix it.
All the websites say if depression is fixed most times marriage counselling isn't even required. I'm not that lucky cuz I feel depression is the main culprit.
I told him to go for therapy he sed he doesn't have money
I offered to pay for his therapy he said right now therapy isn't his priority and he has it under control. Or he says no therapist is open outside business hours. I know they r excuses but I cannot blame him for anything cuz it's his depression talking and not him. I leave in a month and at this rate nothing will even begin to get fixed and when I return its back in the usual groove until he decides he's done.
He says its. 50-50 partnership and he wants it to work. But actions speak louder than Words. In the last 15 days since we agreed to give it a chance, I feel and know that I'm dragging this dead weight all by myself.
I've never really wanted kids. He brought it up 2 years ago. I put my life on hold. Job on hold. Got medical tests done and in the process fell madly in love with the idea of kids with him. I got hormonal and went mad looking up names for kids and every mother baby site. Medical site. Then suddenly after 2 years of dreaming he says he doesn't wanna have kids now cuz relationship isn't stable. I agree but my hormones didnt. The rate at which he's showing interest in fixing US we will never be fixed and ill never get pregnant.

I know for sure when he gets treatment eventually for his depression he will kick himself and regret how he treated me but by then it will be too late.

Should I give up? Or should I grit my teeth and give it some time as I've already given So much.
When should a person say.... Ok I've done everything I give up!

He has no fear of losing me. He's come to terms with it. He's even told his parents we've broken up. And we decided after that we will try and fix it. And he hasn't gone back and told them we are trying to fix it.
When I broke up once before marriage cuz his depression was making him do crazy ****, he bent backwards to fix himself and us. That's a man who wants to fix things. Not this guy who is happy if things miraculously fix themselves and if not fixed "aww well tough luck"

[Macrick]

Hi,

let me clarify this. Many women assumed that marriage or something significant
that happen will change a MAN. Answer is NO. This applies vice versa as well.

Speaking as a man with depression & ADHD as well. Let me tell you this. We need to be left alone. Your husband can ONLY change as much as he WANTS to.

Unless he's trying really hard to make things better. I pretty much guarantee things will be the same till the cows come home. It's not that he doesn't want to change. It's because depression eats a person inside out. It brings out the WORST in any person of any race, social class & nationality.

It's very HARD for us to change. Am seriously speaking from experience. Though am still struggling at this stage but I perform better alone.
Sometimes, I feel unwanted like a piece of ****. Not sure about your husband.
Anyway, enough about me.

You need to make a tough decision SOON & QUICK. This decision preferably should be for the best of you two. Since, you still care for him.

[CantExplain]

((lexis))

It is difficult and unrewarding to live with a depressed person.

Mac... Thanks for the insight. I've left him alone.
U say do something. What can I do besides leave him alone.
He needs to get meds. He needs to step up. He wont Change until he decides to. He spent all his life with it. I'm just some one who came by 8 years ago.
His option is ...." I'm a parasite. I suck happiness out of u. U deserve better so lets break up"
I'd rather he say allllll that and say I'm going to fix it. Help me. Or leave me alone ill do it myself.

His words say I wanna fix it but does nothin about it.

That is why I wanna know if I'm jus flogging a dead horse and shud just cut my losses.

Thanks cantexplain. The hubby is a kiwi too incidentally

[Macrick]

Noone knows the situation better than you two. So, you know.. anyway.
Be strong & prosper. Cheers

Thanks again mac. The reason I'm finally reaching out is cuz I think I'm blinded.
I've never been a quitter. I have never given up. I am a problem solver and its just hard for me to admit that the biggest decision of my life has been a mistake and I cannot fix it!
Ive never not fixed a problem. Bold thing to say but is true.
Which is why I need advise from all these wonderful n experienced people.
Jus reading ur mail gave me some clarity. Sometimes it takes a stranger or a third person to point out .... What's staring right at me.

[Tamela Sue]

Originally Posted by touchdownlexus

I've known my husband for 8 years. Married for 4.5 years now. Things started getting bad even before marriage. Just 10 months ago I find out he has had serious depression all his life. And suddenly my last 7 years with him makes sense. 1 year at start was good.
I cheated on him online 4 years ago. After suffering 3 years of emotional battering and unavailability I succumbed to the escape route and kind words of online strangers. I'm not making excuses. I accept responsibility.

He never spoke with me. Treated me with silence and my blatant attempts to ask his support cuz I had a miserable day at work were brushed off like an annoying pest.
I wasn't emotionally. Sexually. Financially taken care of by him. He moved countries to be with me n couldn't find employment. So I attributed his grumpiness n sullen moods to him being a man not being able to provide for his woman.
I have a super flash job and never once treated Like its my money or show any signs of dissatisfaction. To protect his ego I have silently suffered and since he's a deep sleeper have even stooped down to the level of talking to his sleeping body and put his arms around me and act like my monologue is a conversation. People might say, u should've told him how u feel. I did. He shooed me away. Not like a dog but like an adorable petulant child.
I married him knowing how he's become. Hoping a job and his home ground would fix things.
In the process after few months of marriage and still no support of any form from him I started looking for people to talk. I can't to my friends cuz my friends love him, adore him and think I'm blessed to have him. And in general I have created a lovely image of him to friends and family cuz I wanted him to feel comfortable in my home ground.
Im decent looking and i get hit on by a lotta men. Also get hit on by women. I'm a bisexual. I started looking for anonymous help from strangers. Sometimes I visited psychic chat to help me with meditation and other stuff. Sometimes I went to dating sites. I never once tried anything funny with another man though I was tempted. Felt that would add Insult to his injury. But cheating is cheating. I know that. Man woman. Online. In person. Doesn't matter. But it felt good being able to talk. To connect. To feel excited. To get my self worth back. I don't blame it on my husbands coldness towards me. I blame it on my weakness and lack of strength to deal with it in a more ethical and pragmatic manner.
I was caught.... And his heart broke but we fixed it or I thought we did until I find out 15 days ago that the last four years my husband has not been in love with me. And that explains a lot of his behaviour. And though I was busy bein upset with his attitude and coldness and sudden outbursts and emotionally attacking me I never knew my cheating was the problem (though his behaviour was the same even before I cheated).
So the last 2 months I have been in his country cuz he moved here for job. This is his home ground. I'm the visitor. And things are still the same. So the excuse about him not having a job and him in my country falls flat. In the last 2 months we've had a million break ups. But I've never been able to let go.

15 days ago he broke up one last time and said its not working and he cant make me happy and disclosed that he fell out of love and its cuz of my cheating. I took responsibility cuz this came as a shock cuz I thought that was dealt with. And BEGGED him to give it another chance cuz NOW I know what the real problem is.
The last 15 days I've done serious research on how to fix stuff and how to be a good wife and how to accept him with all his flaws. How to deal with spouses depression. Allllll the how to websites and many psychological forums and websites and marriage counselling online. I'm working hard to use this last chance given to me. And I have been transformed into this wife that every man wants. The times we did have sex has been mind blowing cuz He complained he doesnt feel like i wanna have sex and i researched on how to make your partner secure in bed and feel craved for and applied it. When he complains to me. I take it into account and address the issue with online help on just plain love.
He has said he has given US a chance and not me a chance. He says he wants it too and loves me and cares about me and bla bla.
The last 15 days in reality feels exactly like the last 7 years. When I don't fix a prob it doesn't get fixed. When I don't Communicate he does not communicate. When I do not initiate he does not initiate. Last night I told him I am miserable. I am sad I am scared to come to him with any problem because i am afraid he might leave me. I was very vocal and communicative and I made it blatantly clear I need him to take initiative this time around. I said I have come to you with a grievance and will let u handle it whichever way u seem fit.
There has been nothin that I did to hurt him. My logic is when u complained I acted swiftly on fixing it. And u say u want this jus as much as I do yet when I tell you I am miserable u do nothing about it.
He has spent this whole day avoiding me or having minimal or irrelevant conversation about washing and shopping, gardening. This one time I wanna see if hell take the initiative to fix things. And like everytime these last 15 days I fear ill have to bring up the pink elephant again.

We have a long distance relationship. Everyone is happy to blame the distance. But infact it is the close quarters that cause trouble. When he works all day long I miss him and I don't get to see his emotionally cold side. Today is Saturday. He's home and I havent stopped crying.

Before you judge this MONSTER.... He's a good. Faithful. Honest. Kind. Pleasant man. He will win u alllll over in no time. I am the enemy cuz I am the only one who knows of his depression and bring it up and ask him to fix it.
All the websites say if depression is fixed most times marriage counselling isn't even required. I'm not that lucky cuz I feel depression is the main culprit.
I told him to go for therapy he sed he doesn't have money
I offered to pay for his therapy he said right now therapy isn't his priority and he has it under control. Or he says no therapist is open outside business hours. I know they r excuses but I cannot blame him for anything cuz it's his depression talking and not him. I leave in a month and at this rate nothing will even begin to get fixed and when I return its back in the usual groove until he decides he's done.
He says its. 50-50 partnership and he wants it to work. But actions speak louder than Words. In the last 15 days since we agreed to give it a chance, I feel and know that I'm dragging this dead weight all by myself.
I've never really wanted kids. He brought it up 2 years ago. I put my life on hold. Job on hold. Got medical tests done and in the process fell madly in love with the idea of kids with him. I got hormonal and went mad looking up names for kids and every mother baby site. Medical site. Then suddenly after 2 years of dreaming he says he doesn't wanna have kids now cuz relationship isn't stable. I agree but my hormones didnt. The rate at which he's showing interest in fixing US we will never be fixed and ill never get pregnant.

I know for sure when he gets treatment eventually for his depression he will kick himself and regret how he treated me but by then it will be too late.

Should I give up? Or should I grit my teeth and give it some time as I've already given So much.
When should a person say.... Ok I've done everything I give up!

Hi Touchdownlexus my name is Tamela I wanted to let you know you are not alone I somewhat understand what you are going thru. I have been living with my boyfriend for going on 2 years now we started out as best friends we partyed an drank together but his drinking got way out of hand an he has gotten physical once in our relationship so I left him but I came back for one because I love him an two because I knew it wasn't the real him that did it, it was the alcohol well anyway to make a long story short I have left him 3 times now but the last time I left him I said I was never coming back but now we are talking but I won't move back in with him. I stay with him on the weekends that I don't have my kids mostly because my one son doesn't want anything to do with him. I really don't know what I am going to do if my son never forgives him. My boyfriend has stopped drinking he said it was for me and things are going good now but I just don't know what to do my heart sais stay because I love him but my brain is saying not to. I have always said that I will never put any man before my kids and I won't I just don't know what to do

[Catmom3]

My older brother can be totally charming in public, but behind closed doors is very evil. His wife finally left him when he shot a hunting rifle into the ceiling of their master bedroom and cracked her ribs. His second wife is a psychiatric nurse so she's thinking if SHE leaves him it looks like she can't recognize things she should be able to spot with her job being the psychiatric field.

Enough is enough when you are tired of the abuse and neglect. Only YOU know when that is. Just be sure you have a good support system around you and your local police station in your cell phone.... often abusers get the MOST abusive when someone tries to leave... it's a known fact. So be sure you are going to be as protected as possible WHEN you choose to take that step.

Hugs to you, dear heart. You DO deserve to be happy. You ARE worth it.

Thanks catmom. But he isn't the violent type. He's the broody sulky ignoring type. The ones that resort to escapism.
Sometimes I just want a fight. Cuz a fight means atleast he is talking.
I am gregarious and passionate and full of life where he's more quiet sulky and appears grounded and stable. When I tell my support system we r parting ways they will all see me as the evil cow who cheated on this adorable man.

I have a huge capacity and internal strength to suffer which is why I'm struggling to decide.
Thanks nevertheless. Bless u!

Thanks all guys. Shows over. He broke up with me. Thanks for trying to help.

that was on the 14th. On 14th night I finally gave in and asked him whats going on. He said he feels resentment about the fact that for once he made a well informed decision about parting ways and I guilted him to change his decision. And that's the reason the last 15 days he has consciously or subconsciously been a jerk. And that IT IS OVER NOW.

I leave this country on the 9th of jan and I have not begged him back or even mentioned it.
He has been preparing for this for 4 years and has moved on pretty fine. I feel winded cuz this is all a new feeling and though I'm putting on a brave front I'm not able to digest the unfairness of the situation. Theoretically, I know what to do but practically it's a Herculean effort to apply it. We both still love each other. And care for each other. But he thinks its time to move on and that I shudnt blame everything in depression and that he made the decision not influenced by depression and THIS was the real him and people change!!
He says he has lost the fight in him when in reality he has done nothing for the marriage has never been a good husband. I fought alllll the way.
Maybe him stifling himself over my cheating episode and not properly tackling the issue was his way of fighting for it. When there's a problem he clams up and doesn't communicate.

my situation has changed.

What do I do now??

(I know I shud maintain my dignity and give him space and let it be cuz I was never happy anyway. I also know the whole 180 approach. But knowing is different from applying. )

resentment builds up on both parties... people can move past a lot of things. but it seems that your husband does not let go and directs anger inwards and shuts everything out... you nor anyone deserves this. my girlfriend cheated on me after 5 yrs. i found out 2 months ago even though it was just one time... i am disgusted by it but, i have given her a second chance, and i do not treat her bad... she know she must earn my trust back and i am now more cautious of people around me. but i do not make her pay everyday for it!!! i love her and want her in my life, and i show her this as much as i can.... even though i did nothing to deserve her cheating, i also look at what was i doing to make her feel she needed to go somewhere else. no one deserves to be treated bad we all make mistakes!!! dont try and convince yourself its ok because its not!!! you have tried and tried hard to be there and make him feel like a man should... if he has forgiven you then he should not be treating you like a burdon. maybe time apart will clarify things, for him and for you. i do not know you or your relationship.. so in my own opinion i would gracefully bow out and cut it before it gets so bad there is nothing salvageable left

French, I'm sorry that happ to u and I'm glad u r looking at why it caused her to do so. I'm sure my hubby did that too. 4 yrs ago. Thought he fixed it but did not. If we got therapy maybe back then, it might've been fixed. He let it fester and grow nasty even w/o his knowledge. He, like u, treated me with love and care and caution. Which was y I didn't know where all this came from.
I am doing 180. It's a divorce bursting, self improvement and coping that seems to have worked for a lotta people.
I'm doin it for me to protect my heart. I want a happy marriage with him. Not just a marriage with this monster. And I can't change him.
I've come to stop blamin his depression for everything and realising THIS is the real him. Ever since the break up he's been nice and non monstery.
Which reconfirms what I always knew. He's a grrrreat guy and an amazing friend but the shittiest husband in the world.
When I leave on 9 jan probay will be the last I ever see him. Breaks my heart.

I have been concentrating on ME and taking care of myself and being laid back n upbeat in front of him. He appears more sullen than me.
THe other day he asked me if I was ok. I say I'm fine and in return I asked him. He shrugged morosely. And looked away. I told him... It'll be ok. And started talking about a TV show.

I dunno wha to do. It's like I dun have the luxury of time on my side. I can be very strong but I think my heart will burst at the airport. I cry at airports when we saying bye even in normal times.

Am I doing the right thing. ???

[danvb]

...You said, "Or should I grit my teeth and give it some time as I've already given So much."

You DO know what you just said there don't you?

"Grit your teeth"? Why in the world should you EVER need to grit your teeth? Would you say that if you were in a fulfilling relationship? He is who he is yet you seem to think that he'll change - "if he did only this" or "if only that would happen"... If only he'd get treatment, if only he'd get meds... You can play the "if only" game with yourself until you're old and gray and he's STILL going to be who he is. THAT isn't something that changes!

"I've already given So much."? And the other part of that sentence is "and I've gotten nothing or little in return". That may not be what you wrote, but it certainly seems to be what you're actually saying! Is it? If it is, what does that mean?

I dunno... It doesn't sound to me that you've been very happy or satisfied or fulfilled in your entire relationship!

Honestly, the only thing I got out of your post is that you're doing everything you can to make a broken relationship work and he doesn't do anything about it other than to tell you he wants it to work, sometimes.

Depression or no depression, YOU are not his mother. YOU are not responsible for his mental well being. I have major depressive disorder so I know what it's like to feel the darkest, bleakest, bottomless despair and utter hopelessness that a man can feel. I know what it feels like to be suicidal and on the edge, but even I know that if I want to feel better I have to take control of it myself and to DO something about it, which I did... and my wife supported me. But it was MY responsibility to do something to help myself and my relationship with my wonderful wife. It was MY desire to make HER life better that ultimately made me choose to make MY life better.

I dunno... of course, no one can tell you what you should or should not do. I would never do that... I guess I'm just sharing my impression of what I felt after reading your post... My first thought was, "And she's staying in this "marriage" because...?" You fill in the rest...

Dan

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by touchdownlexus

that was on the 14th. On 14th night I finally gave in and asked him whats going on. He said he feels resentment about the fact that for once he made a well informed decision about parting ways and I guilted him to change his decision. And that's the reason the last 15 days he has consciously or subconsciously been a jerk. And that IT IS OVER NOW.

. But he thinks its time to move on and that I shudnt blame everything in depression and that he made the decision not influenced by depression and THIS was the real him and people change!!

He says he has lost the fight in him

What do I do now??

(I know I shud maintain my dignity and give him space and let it be cuz I was never happy anyway. I also know the whole 180 approach. But knowing is different from applying. )

You wrote that he 'lost the fight in him.' I don't see relationships, as something you have to 'fight for', per se. Yes, they a level of awareness to ensure that they keep working and two people making a commitment to one another, and the ability to support one another, but fighting to keep it working? I am not sure, they[relationships] are meant to be such a struggle.

What brought him, to say, that you shouldn't blame everything on depression? Moving forward, that could be something to reflect on, as a growth spot.

I am sorry to read, that he ended things. Break up are never easy.

yes. you are doing the right thing for YOU... it is always hard to make life altering decisions, they are never easy. but you have to know, you are doing it for the best reason and that is to make yourself happy again. Your heart says to keep at it, your mind is telling you to leave and at the same time your mind is scared of what life may be like after and if your making the right decision... dont let your heart and head decide. Let the quality of life your living now compared to how it could be without the head games be you deciding factor! one of the best things my father ever taught me was, when your in a bad relationship.... "take love and emotion out of the picture and take a close look at what you have left" If what is left is unhappiness, arguing, bitterness, and feeling hallow. Then the time to make a decision has arrived.

I am sure without complications lingering in the air, he might be a good guy.... but like you said, even the best person can have mental and behavioral traits that 1- cannot be changed, and 2- lets them effect his whole attitude to the point he is mistreating the people he "LOVES" and the ones who love him. and after this long if he has not made any efforts to seriously get these problems resolved... then he will not do it at all, and will continue to beat himself up over it and underneath will hold resentment of you which will only create big issues out of minor things!!! And I completely understand how you would see an attitude change in him now that things are coming to an end. He might be upset and not know how to show it. However, i dont know him so all i can assume by what you have said about him is that this is another head game (my opinion) in efforts maybe to get you to stay because much like you... life after a long relationship is scary.. its almost like quitting cigarettes, its hard to picture doing everything you've done without the one thing there to comfort you, makes you happy, and has been there when you need it. but much like ciggs. a bad relationship can also kill you a little each day inside!!! (sorry, best analogy i could think of)

Take the leap... it will hurt a little but the sting of it will fade. you will always have a place in your heart for him but you will see your life improve. And when you start seeing you can be happy single, you will begin to ask why did i put up with it for so long!!!! I have faith that you will do just fine and you will get back to being you and enjoying the life you should be. You seem like a very good person and like i said previously... we all F*** Up sometimes... but we shouldn't have to pay everyday for it, and def. don't deserve to be treated with any less respect. we are all equal in this life and deserve to be treated lovingly and not hurt by people constantly!! Believe me, if i didnt see any potential in my future with my current partner.... I would not have tolerated it and would kick rocks before i let my anger come back and ruin a possibly salvageable friendship or even a reuniting later on down the road. That is the respect you give to someone you love... not treat them like an annoying child and brushes off your emotions. You may not want to do this but give it a try and after some time has passed and you find your happiness again... think back to this thread, and i will be smiling for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Omg !! U guys!!!!u r the best!!!

So much support I've found here in this forum. And such wisdom!
Thanks a lot I wish I cud do something for each one of u in return for taking time to advice a stranger.

French, I don't think he's playing mind games with me. Never did even in the past. He probably is a little apprehensive of how he will cope but he is very sure. In fact, for the first time he's being a man. Just a little too late.

If I take emotions and love out o pic. There is only negative stuff. But another things that is there is HISTORY. Lil jokes that only we know, private jokes. Shows we watch together. Words we say to each other. I know every relationship has that. But I'm notorious for clinging to the past!!
I'm very strong but also v. Sentimental.

I see horrible people in marriages each cheating on the other but maintaining harmony n peace at home and I get jealous. How can THEY do it and I can't.. We can't. We both, after all, are nice people.

I have decided ill concentrate on myself for now and will leave to my country broken up even if he begs me back. (He's not gonna)

I know once I go back ill be fine. My life is THERE.

Dan, thanks for the reply. I read it coupla times. I think I'm in this cuz I have invested so much in it and was hoping he'd get help. Fact is ... HE WILL NEVER.
I love him that's prolly y I am hanging on. I'm someone who's never given up.

But I think we all know I'm being a darn fool.

I will get my act together I promise.

Healingme4ne .... Thanks. Much needed hug.

Dan. The grit my teeth was b4 the 14th. B4 he broke up.
Guess I was waiting all these years for him to get help medically. He cudnt until few months ago cuz his profession doesn't allow him to hav depression n he kept it under wraps even for me until only 10 months ago.
All these years I thot he had mild depression n he can tackle it. Cuz that's what he made me believe.
So after I found how serious his depression is we met only in the month of oct. he quit his job and Is now able to get help.
So I saw a new ray of hope for all our miseries.

new job where his depression can be tackled with therapy
He will be more confident and thus feel like a man
He will be financially more comfy at this job
I won't have to walk around egg shells in fear of hurting him n in turn ill be nicer n relaxed
I can once again go back to being the woman in the marriage and hopefully sex life improves
His therapy will make him see I'm not the enemy and so he'll stop picking on me

These r the things I assumed, wrongly so, the new situation will do for us.

But the minute he got any clarity he reflected on how sad he's been and chose to leave me rather than fix it.

Aww well. Such is life!!

Damn! He jus brought up Xmas and i cud hear my heart implode inside me.
I don't celeb Xmas. I started only after I met him cuz he's sooo into the spirit.
He asked me what i wanted i said nothing, I dun celeb Xmas.
He said his could be ur last Xmas !!!

I knowwwwww I know !!! I just HATE it that he isn't miserable!!!
Sucks that he is able to move on!

[danvb]

It would be nice if he would step out of the picture and let you move on too... perhaps?

Well. In all fairness he offered to move out. Since its a new city for him I asked him to stay on at my friends place.
We sleep in da same room. Jus me on the floor though.
He's not doin anything on purpose. All said and done this guy is horrrrrible only to partners and I am just an ex now. So he's pretty nice to me.

Guuuuyyyyysssss!!!!

I jus went in his computer to wath something on utube and in the history there are websites he's visited.

Couples therapy and psychological help(some similar site)

I'm thrilled. I might be overreacting. But yest morn I caught him staring at me from his bed while I was on the floor asleep. Of course I woke up to his gazing eyes and screeeeamed but later I felt a warm fuzz like he likes looking at me. It's a bit stalk-y I know but .....

When he came home from work yest at 6 he went straight to bed and slept till 5 this morn. Weird. He's never done that. Resulting in no convo yest and he left for work his morn before I woke up. I wake up late anyway.
But this thig on the comp. am I overreacting like a kid overdosing on sugar or is this a good sign. Having said that I browse a lotta weird irrelevant sites myself.
Am I reading too much into this????

Earlier when he was at work I was using his laptop and in the web page history I saw that he visited couples therapy site and psychiatric therapy site. Pleasant surprise to me. But not gonna overreact.
We went shopping. Were normal. And in the eve he called me to Watch a movie. Later in the room I said good night. He ignored it and kept talking about this other couple we know. He then asked if i was fine. I said yeh am ok. Am cool. He was like... cool? Then outta the blue he said. Do u think I did everything I can to fix this. I said it doesn't matter Wat I think it's Wat u think. N the convo went on to about how I'm taking care of myself and have accepted which is y I'm at peace. He said all this feels surreal. I said acceptance Is the key. also said he has been preparing for this for 4 years while i had only 15 days. If i can accept it and believe its real so can he. I sounded wise n at peace.
He asked me how other couples have moved on after infidelity n why we can't. I said I dunno go ask them.
He was talking abt an Xmas gift and I asked him not to fuss and told him I bought this stuff for myself which he can wrap n put under the tree. He said i do aaaalll this and ur still being nice and trying to put ur own gift so i dun appear like a douche. I said what did u do.. nothing... I CHEATED ON U. isnt that y u broke up with me? he said yes.
(Thats the first time hes given me a reason for the break)
He said, I owe it to u that I buy u a gift. I said u dun owe me ANYTHING anymore. Besides this ain't a business transaction.
Everything I said was calm n in control and not at all hurt or victimised or pathetic.
We spoke ... Rather he moped n I spoke in a clear tone and said we shudnt b talking about this. We should look to the future. Then he said he felt like he wasted a good chunk of both our lives. I said we've taught each other valuable lessons. Don't regret this. U did this cuz u were unhappy n we both deserve to be happy. And I'm concentrating on myself now and taking care of me n doing things I enjoy n he said he noticed. He said he's not regretting it
Somewhere in between I said go rest. Get some sleep. He said he's well rested.
He was leaning over the bed cuz I was on the floor and after a long silence I went back to checking my fone n doing my things. After seeing that I am done with talking He mumbled good night very very softly. Had to say PARDON twice before he said it aloud.

Should I see this as an improvement. Or have I pushed him away by being too flippant n totally moved on?

Was tempted to ask why he broke up cuz I cheated when HE TOLD ME JUST 15 DAYS AGO THAT HE'S FORGIVEN ME FOR THAT. 180 forbids me from bringing up relationship topics so bit my tongue.

He knows I'm worried abt how my family will react. So he asked if I told my family. I said I told my sister who in turn offered to tell my folks. He knows that if I tell my folks I really have moved on. I even told him I told sis I cheated on him. He knows I'm v private and for me to tell sis is a huge deal.
Also said if u need anything feel free to contact me and disregard what I said before about not wanting to be in touch. He said thanks.

Did I mess it alllll up.