[Yismymindblank12]

Seriously. I put too much effort and passion and love and get nothing in return. I don't know if I am supposed to be proud or angry, I only got indifference and angry stupid people who take advantage of me. I am only twenty my symptoms hit me like a train, I don't know I am dying or not, but by my degenerative state and I am only 20 years to assure you. I hope it kills me tonight, because I put too much for anything, I was abused by many people all my life. I am going to die miserable and even when I will fake a smile and pretend to be happy to the end. All I wanted was to feel safe and that no one will hurt me, I stick up for myself and tell everyone off who tries to hurt me, I used to be healthy enough to save my own skin, but was too stupid to realize how screwed I am when I am this weak. To be honest, I don't know what I have wrong with my body and I am being told that it's really bad, I know that from the get go. It doesn't take a scientist to realize it causes a coma wake up and unable to walk, talk, or swallow many days, freezing in motion, drooling, vegetable that tried working at a job and basically hurting myself on the job and unaware, because I am not there physically. Seriously I try so hard to tell people and how I care bout them and literally show it as much as possible I can't make anyone happy. I've been more bitter that my quality of my life has burned for everyone else's to be better, I don't know to be proud to sacrifice or just to be angry, because those people I helped ended up screwing me over. I am a dead man I know that, but I want to know how much time I got left so I can just have something even five minutes of happiness before dying. S... cracking a smile would help before lights out. This is ridiculous, I am expected to wait and I'm done. I am done, and I hope this takes me tonight so people would wake up and realize how motherf...... cruel they are to me quit being such indifferent dicks. I just can't sleep now, because I am in screaming pain, hallucinations, ridigity movements, tremors, and nerve tics. Seriously I want to die from this so people can shut up blaming everything on me, and take responsibility and help me for once, just say hello to me or at least make me comfortable as possible emotionally.

Let it out my friend. You sound like you need to unload and perhaps a listening ear. Let it rain!

[Yismymindblank12]

I am trying my hardest, to help myself for me, because I want more time to be with this girl I really really like and we've been friends since summer. I would hate asking people or friends to do this, but if it's sooner than later. I need my friends to be around me, and this girl to lay on my bed with me and make sure I am ok, not cry or get scared. I just want her to comfort me through this, I really need this type of emotional help, because it's too much and being told off like I am dirt all the time when they don't know what they are talking bout and I already experienced it a lot of times to confirm if something isn't going to happen nothing will even after I die. Seriously think bout it people, my friends have all this time and I don't know how much I got left for how little right now, and everyone is acting so stupid. I am not being paranoid like they are saying, I am still suffering my symptoms all the time. Definitely getting worse, earlier and now I am not able to sleep because of pain, but yesterday the tremors were awful. My head pulsates alot in throbbing feeling and no one has answers. No doctor, therapist, specialist, parent, friend anyone can comfort me with anything, because they won't know until I pass out dead one day from this like recently. Then they act all confused why I died and then make something out of it. That's the type of crap I see everywhere, it's lack of any responsibility, and all I am doing is keeping myself sane and healthy as possible. I exercise when I am able enough and when I am not I rest. I eat healthy foods, wasn't much of a drug user, so I quit smoking weed, cigs, going to get messed up at parties, and getting away from bad people who enabled to a short time of hard drug use. The drugs didn't cause my symptoms just hastened the current ones and degenerate faster. I keep saying this, and I still get ignored. I finally got a freaking testing of asking questions for clinical trials next week, so finally. I just want to go out and do what I please to do, before being told you are going to die this amount so and so... I am not going to spend the rest of my days in a house alone waiting to get something done. I seriously don't know. I feel like my life was wasted with the abuse I went through all my life to be told you are going to die and me knowing I was born in this hell hole and I will die in it too. Where is the honor of any of this? seriously

I think it was pretty brave of you to come to Earth in the first place so who cares about the honor we get here. You should try to do some of the things you want to do before you leave this place, you might regret it if you don't. Hopefully your girl will see the forest through the trees and give you a good time. Maybe it will make you feel better just to be heard and understood, just accepted. Even if you don't feel it, just pretend that it is true. That's what Gatsby did and they all said he was great.

[shezbut]

I hope that the clinical trials discover your diagnosis and find some treatment that aids you into a long remission period.

It seems strange but it isn't uncommon, for people to get caught up in major health issues in their 20's. (Just my personal experience in life) It often takes a few years for specialists to find the diagnosis and best treatment for us. In the meantime, however, we often become overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions: frustration, confusion, anger, self-hate, etc.

Thankfully though, the answers often do finally come and quickly our emotional problems (related to our physical misery) seem to just disappear. That's a relief! I hope that you aren't too far away from that point. The trick is to get hooked up with the right specialist & taking the right tests.

Are you seeing a neurologist? Is that the specialist that you spoke of? If not, check out a good one for proper tests with your nerve problems. Another helpful doctor for you may be a pDoc (psychiatrist), if a neuro clears you of physical illnesses after CT scan, EEG, and physical check-up.

Very best wishes sent you way ~ Please do let us know what happens, okay? Thank you!

[Yismymindblank12]

yeah it is he is the best in my area for neuro psychiatry and other unusual phenomena. He is baffled too, it's very scary, I grew up my whole life living in a fantasy and still do, it's like very hard to tell anyone anything, and they can't see what I see with the hallucinations or hear what I hear or feel what I feel. No one knows, I was born hallucinating my whole life, so when people try to explain me things how the world really is. I hate having those talks, because that whole perspective most people have what is moral, what is living, what is conscious is completely blown out the window by me. It got from that to now everyday. Five seconds literally feels like forever. I am going in slow motion in my head and the world around me is so much faster. All the time, I'd either very terrifying hallucinations not caused by drugs it definitely raises eye brows whenever I brought it up ever when I was a child and now when it sounds like LSD type of bad trips. The thing is I had a lot of different drugs in my life, and stopped all of them very shortly using them, because they harmed me more than good more than most people from illicit to psych. I stop them all for two years now. I am also grown up with very terrifying delusions, it's extremely difficult to talk to people, when you are interviewed for a job then the all of a sudden the room starts melting or hands are coming out of the chair you are sitting in and just massaging you. It's so uncomfortable and creepy, I am told by the only people who understand the most is my little sister, my older therapists, and specific friends really wonder how I didn't kill myself as a little child. I mean I was raped and molested many times by other adolescent boys, when I was 4 to 8 years old. I was beaten up for it, when accused for things I didn't understand or do. Been ridiculed as a homosexual as if it was an insult, been around the worst kind of people in my city. I dated all these childish sleazy hoes, who abused me emotionally, physically and recently sexually been raped by my ex girlfriend when I was not able to move. She was in a drunken rage crying and forcing me to get her vodka and punching me and trying to have sex with me, because she was drunk and I couldn't get away, because I was numb and couldn't move from my symptoms last november and 2 weeks before that I was in my coma bout to be in hypothermia. I just really like this girl, because I want to be her best friend, not a lover, or a soul mate. I want to date her as a best friend, but more or less. I want to be close with her, because I would do anything to curl up in a ball and sleep and she play with my hair. I'd make her laugh and just be stupid, because I had an intimacy issues, because my grandma was severely abused by staff at a local nursing home before she passed away it happened when I was being abused myself. I had this emotional connection with her when she was ok, before he alzhiemers kicked in she was my mom and I have to say my dad was very lucky to have her. She didn't put up with anything and she could kick anyone's a$# . She put her family first and wanted only best from her kids and inlaws. When I was born I only was around her before she was in a nursing home when I turned 6. She watched me all the time when I was a toddler. I was so happy she was in my life, but the fact I can't get over. She was really abused and it felt like we understood eachother the last time I saw her in june of 2006 when she passed. It put a hard wrench on me. I've seen alot of death in my life after, but nothing hurt me as bad as her passing. Soon after, I am grieving over something that was very hard, was that I was supposed to be a father when I was fooling around with my ex 2 years ago. She was pregnant to 5 months and found out it was a girl we named her and bout to have a huge changes in my life. It was hard, but I was more motivated, then I find out she had to be aborted for my ex's health she would definitely die giving birth at her age. So that was ok it didn't bother me too bad I understood it had to be done, but her indifference and how she told me like in the most hurtful way. Then a year later tries to hookup with me all the time and pretend that everything will go away if we hookup. She was psycho, and usually slept around a lot with other dudes and lied a lot. She blames me for everything that went wrong with her and can never take the truth. She is a pathological liar and blamed the child's death on me, now I am suffering physical ailments like she is, and she really wants to defile me and my grave if she had the chance. That's why I am feeling the way I am feeling that's basically a long slew of many other stories of long years of abuse that filled all my life from toddler days till now. It's just too much and I just wanted to be safe, I hate having to be told, you gotta be this or that to be good enough for anyone. I gotta be stable, I gotta be healthy physically, I gotta know certain people. It's so exhausting and I just want it to stop, I don't want nothing else from this girl I am friends with just to be friends, I maybe hopefully have something physical with her soon, but not so dependent on it, because of every girl I date that I get with always turn for the worst shortly after. I want to make sure everything is covered. I mean I trust her, and I already know she is very nice. I don't care if she messes up, just don't abuse me, especially now. I don't need a girl to make me happy, I just need to feel safe and secure for once in this very difficult time for me. I wanted to be rich and famous and live isolated in the island pacific. Just to go surfing, I wanted two dogs a german shepherd and a huskie both female. I am poly amorous I wanted not a polygamy nor a marriage and another female. I just wanted two girls, I am in love with that love eachother and me etc and we are a tight group. I can easily put in the work. If my body wasn't so weak now, I could be working at a job physically that I enjoy so I can become a DJ music producer which I already do that, but prefer to do it on a huge scale of hundreds of thousands or millions of people at one venue. That's what I dream bout everyday through my struggle I only wanted it, because I had more faith than ever to make it and still do. I just don't want my time to run out, when I got somethings I need to do. I want to make virtual reality rooms with cyperpunk culture of the future and it's in like a tron legacy feel. I have my imagination and show people what's really in my head. I truly know that my mind and world is way more magical than any other person I've met on this earth and really wish to show it in it's full glory, but it's very difficult to do that I could never do. No matter how hard and creative I tried countless times. I still keep doing it, till I give my last breath. that's all

Cool! Well, you have a good head on your shoulders. If you could only feel some peace, that would be a nice respite from your troubled thoughts from the past etc. Is there something that brings you calm serenity?

[Yismymindblank12]

My imagination, safety mentally(not emotional) I mean with hallucinations, producing atmosphere's making worlds of this existence with music mainly, but sometimes game design. Female companion friends and this girl I am talking to and specific people I really appreciate in my life. I like to imagine even if I am adult, I like to imagine if I could stay as a child when I was like 4 years old. Forget my life now, and just go around being how I want to see my true personality grow without the stress that perversed it so long. I was a very cute child, I was so goofy all the time, I'd do anything to go back there and feel safe when either my grandma my mom or any female who was closer to my age, teenager, preteen, or my age at the time took care of me. I miss crawling up into a ball and being so comfy. I realize I can't sleep like I used to because I sleep easier with a female companion, like it countlessly shows many of times. Even girls I didn't date or weren't sexual with I slept with them in that way, and I could sleep so well not because I had physical feelings for them like I really could feel safe that someone is here for me.

[Yismymindblank12]

I also like to feel like a hero, but on my own adventure just wandering the wastes alone. Incognito type of person, but it's for my protection and my identity as a badge too. I like to be a hero, but not care for the greater good or the outcome of anything I do or didn't do. I just helped people, because I wanted to simply. I had a lot of peaceful happy fantasies and dreams bout it. My dreams in my sleep are vivid and real as my waking life. So I can't tell the difference. So I never knew what was real or wasn't because how vivid it is. When I guess I am "awake" and not asleep, I am more depressed and angry and sad in my waking existence than my dreaming existence. It's very hard for me to tell which is which that's why sometimes I dread falling asleep or waking up.

[0w6c379]

I hope your girl can be a comfort to you and that your friends stay close and are there for you. It's so important to feel the love of friends when you are in your darkest days. Do you have a good T? That would be really helpful to have one see you through this traumatic time. I hope the doctors can help you. Keep pushing to find the answers for yourself. I don't know much about being on drugs but perhaps your hallucinations now have something to do with taking them in the past? You need a good evaluation on that to find the cause. I do hope that people treat you with the kindness you deserve.

[avlady]

yes you do deserve kindness, i hope and pray you can get over this hurdle in your life. i learned in my life people took advantage of me because i let them. i was too afraid to stick up for myself because i didn't want to have no friends, needless to say, i was a wreck after being abused from them for soo long. i ended up in the hospital, got the help i needed and today i can say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. ive learned new coping skills, still learning them too. as for dying, its not in our time but gods time.

[lightinthesky]

Hello, I'm Ali.. Frida (2002) - IMDb
watch this..

[Yismymindblank12]

No never had, I had plenty of therapists, since I was 4 and they couldn't help me. They had no idea, I don't fall under any specific or any category of a general pool of mental illness. I was diagnosed with psychosis, but I can really blow the top off of what they think and categorizing mental illness. I know things much more than almost a lot of specialists, except the specific details of drugs for medications and affects on other people other than myself. I read a lot very studious I hated school and didn't try hard, because I couldn't learn in that mess of ignorance and stupidity. I just don't feel entitled too much to my intelligence, but I am very well aware this isn't healthy or safe to feel like this and my body how it is. It all comes down to, I can't help it. I know very easily after I speak with therapists on their legitimacy, it's more what they don't say tells how good they are than what they reveal. I know all too well, my psychosis baffles all of them. I couldn't describe it, but I've had many tough challenges to disbelieve my experiences from what they tried to rationalize with me, but nothing changed, because it's more real to me than it is to any other person in the world. I wish it wasn't there, and I can live life care free knowing that my world isn't going to distort and I am limited to my body, but I got what I was born with and so I deal with it. I really need them more than ever to take me seriously and look very hard into my perspectives not what I think it is what I know and have very hard evidence and belief on somethings they really need to take into consideration. I am going to clinical trials next week, but for medical and psych. It was also my fault in my previous care I didn't tell them anything helpful I just suppressed these thoughts to begin with. They wouldn't fully understand, because of not enough room for ignorance, openmindedness, and current beliefs. I never like talking bout it, I really want them to ask me and I teach it to them. It would really help them to be honest.

[Yismymindblank12]

I am very angry, I posted in neuro talk bout my symptoms, to see what I should ask my specialists next week. Right off the bat no one has an answer, and I only get from accidently freaking out because I am still suffering now of my symptoms. Assume it's psych related and send me a link to this site from an admin of neurotalk. I know he or she doesn't know what I am going through, but I am very distressed from my symptoms. I am in a lot of pain now, and it's very difficult to go through life with this. I am more offended with that response when they don't know what's going on. I just want something an answer or some direction, but no I am told it's psych when I can't even function on a basic level. I couldn't leave my bed all day, I just slept because of the pain.

[Yismymindblank12]

I am experiencing physical symptoms and I am stuck in the never ending cycle being assumed I am making it up, because of my history. I feel like I screwed myself no matter what sincerity I put forth and they can't find anything blood tests nor any scan. I am told I am making it up and it feels real, but that's how psych works yada yada yada. blah blah blah, saying you are feeling very real symptoms, but it's all psych. I am at the point, that if I am immobile and being told it's psych that just shows you don't care to help, because you are afraid as a doctor to not know at all, even though you tell me you don't know, you are afraid to be wrong in your specialty. I am not smarter or better than these professionals, I just know myself more than all of them and being told to lie myself as a form of therapy is complete crap, because I am not getting better for all I know I could be dying very soon. I don't know it, I don't freak out or make a scene, but they shouldn't disregard me because I am saying a psych thing to a small degree doesn't mean it's all that. Nuero and psych are together, that's a known general fact especially with brain damaged patients, stroke patients, and dementia patients and they disregard my actual symptoms for psych alone is a complete insult to my intelligence and my existence to begin with. So I feel like I have no reason to live, because no one wants to help me, because they don't want to feel like they are wrong for whatever reason. It makes me so mad, I live in a city where apparently the best doctors of their field and in the world are and I baffled them all. So am i doomed to die or what?

[Yismymindblank12]

I just went out with friends, I hate meeting new people, I am so subtle even people who know when something is wrong with will never know. I feel like I unintentionally make them feel guilty or sad, because of me. I hate getting close to anyone. I am scared to trust and be abused again and again and again. I was in everywhere and anyway. I just have extreme trust issues, and now with everyone who has problems they see me even doctors and therapists they feel so sorry they can't help me. I really don't know what to do, I just want to have at least 5 seconds of happiness and peace, but when I do it's always a false peace short lived. Then reality hits me that I haven't left this place, I always thought I should work on myself, but it ended up nothing changes even when I made myself more mature and better. I am at a point, I don't trust any female no matter what comes out of her mouth of her actions, I know trust is huge, but seriously everytime I get guilty of feeling like that. I just want one girl I really love to pierce through everything never had it happen. It's a struggle constantly to date me, I've known that, I enjoy what good times I have, but the reality I just ruined someone emotionally unintentionally because they aren't strong enough makes me so miserable and hopeless I just want everything to take me away. I am told all this useless advice that I already use and just in return I always get an I don't know. I never had any kind of devotion towards me. I just feel like dying alone is more of a reality now and miserable because of my physical symptoms. I am always told I am supposed to trust a person I love truly, I do that, but my pain and anxiety I hold it back so much it's very difficult. I keep telling her that I will fight and fight and fight myself and everyone just to be with you, but no I almost promised I will be cheated on and left to rot or be abused, because they think I can't do my best to trust them. It hurts me so bad with the guilt, I feel like I am undateable, no good looks, charm, sincerity will do nothing. They tell me I am nothing because they are messed up and can't be around me to begin with, I just stopped dating for two years and still am for planning till I die. I hate it, what am I supposed to do I do everything and I always feel not good enough, but I know I got to take care of myself I doing the best I can. I don't remember my first name, my parents friend, or anything most days anymore. I hate it, I need a caretaker not because I want it. I need it anything will do. I do everytime I cry everytime someone is sincere and really likes me. I just cry so hard and scream and hurt myself, I am damn scared they will try to kill me or hurt me badly. It's happened so much, I am usually choose isolation and confinement and make up my own girlfriends because I got nothing else.

[Yismymindblank12]

Currently, as a side effect from my degenerative condition and brain damage. I am currently suffering fregoli delusion or syndrome. I noticed it when I was screaming earlier this morning in fear of my mom and dad in shear terror that they will kill me and that aren't who they really are. I had it as a combination of my symptoms\damage and past trauma, but these delusional states come up in my episodes of hallucinations lack of coordination\cognitive function. I know it feels like I am falling, it feels like I am falling when I am just sitting or laying down or standing no matter what. I'd be screaming because I see my parents or people I love smiling or expecting me to die or they want to watch me suffer, because they are evil and don't want me to live. It's what I see when I am not feeling well from these symptoms. It makes me scream and cry. Plus loud noises heart my head a lot.