i dont believe him anymore

I have been so stressed beyond belief for several years. 5 years ago my husband was convicted of something he said he did not do. He is a sex offender. I am being honest here. At first I believed him when he said he didnt do it. Though he told the judge he did only to avoid trial and that the lawyer lied to him. He spent 5 years in prison and was just released to a halfway house.
I have become used to being on my own and do not know if i actually want to stay. But i have supported him. He violated his parole first thing when one day he came to my house while i was at work and accessed porn on my pc. I did not find out until he was asked to take a lie detector test. he admitted to it.
a few weeks ago I came accrossed an autobiography he wrote in prison for his therapist. In it he said he committed the crimes.
Now since I read this, I have been mulling over past memories, situations and conversations. I am beginning to think he really did them and I do not believe him anymore.
I have been angry about having to give up my personal time on days off when he keeps wanting every sat and sun spent with him on leaves. He goads me into coming to my house when he isnt supposed to. than other instances have angered me.
I have been trying to determine if i even still love him and should get a divorce. I have been trying to get up the guts to ask him straight out for the truth if he did what he is convicted of. But the last time i tried to talk to him about just the leaves and my personal time, he said he felt i was forcing myself to come on leaves. i said i wasnt. he said he felt like he was losing me and said if i didnt want him to say so. he said if i left he would not care if he went back to prison. he always does this, threatens he will kill himself or just go back to prison. but it guilts me anyways.
i am at my wits end and just wanted to ask peoples thought on this.
thanks

it sounds like you know the truth but you are afraid to hear it from him. you are not likely to get him to admit it. you need to make a decision of whether you still want to be connected to this man or whether you want to get out and make a life of your own. you obviously can do it on your own. you have been. the question is, what is holding you back? welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hey There Stressed Out ~ There is a word or two for this kind of guilt producing behavior; emotional blackmail comes to mind. You are not responsible if he makes poor choices. Don't let him blame you with his threats or any other bad behavior. He is an adult I assume. You are not responsible!
Perhaps you need to ask yourself what is preventing you from making a decision.

If you are asking for opinions, like, 'what would you do?' I would have to say in all honesty, cut the cord. Don't let yourself get dragged into his lies.
Change the locks on your house, file for divorce, which will include a restraining order, and move on from this person with very poor impulse control.
I think; You deserve better than this man is capable of giving you. So sorry.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe too many people would plead guilty to a crime of this magnitude, were it not true. I hope you will find the strength to break free of him and have the good life you deserve. You have wasted enough of it already, perhaps looking for something from him that you never received as a child? I was forever looking for "Daddy".....what a waste. Hugs and good luck!!

I have always been sensitive to others feelings and actions. I get scared thinking that if i leave he will go back to prison or kill himself. I just dont know how to get past this scared, guilt, worry mode. i would feel the same about others if they said they were going to hurt themselves. I am going to see a mental health counselor on monday. i am hoping he can help me sort things out. My husband was always a guy with low sefl esteem even before we got married. He is estranged from his family and says that i am all he heas. Gads it just makes me angry how he acts.
I was sick one weekend and told him i couldnt take him on leave. The next day i too him out he said the only thing keeping him from telling me to come get him anyways when i was sick is the fact that he didnt want to say to take him to my house over the phone.
than one weekend i workd 7 days straight and would have another week with no days off. I was to tired and angry that he didnt even have sympthy. He still insisted on going out the whole leave and weekend.
I have told him how i feel about having to spend more hours on the weekend with him now, but he just gets all pissy and saying that i wont have any personal time when he moves back. i am so stressed and cry all the time.

I do thank you for al the thoughts. I hope there are others with thought on what they would suggest or do in my situation.

This is going to sound harsh. Personally I would get the hell out of anything to do with this man and get a restraining order. Move on with your life

Kaliope nailed it. You know the truth. You no longer believe him because you've figured out that he's been lying. Any question you ask him about his guilt will elicit a bull-do-do answer. You would be just letting him engage you in a head game. If you were devoted enough to stand by him for 5 years, he could have gotten honest with you. He could have expressed remorse. He didn't.

I looked for an article about recidivism rate of sex offenders. The link is below. It is lower than I expected. You deserve to have the facts. Read this article, and do some research of your own. Consider the nature of the offense. Consider any associated violence. Consider the nature of his victim. Consider the nature of your relationship. It's your call. This is not easy. If it were, you would have been long out of it.

There are reasons why he is like this. They may be reasons that tug on your heart strings. But you don't owe it to anyone to spend your life paying for that person's crime. He isn't done paying yet, and you won't be either, if you are with him.

I don't think you really want to go on with him. But you are worried about him. That's nice, but try worrying about yourself. We hate to think that we have to choose between our own welfare and someone else's. Sometimes we do.

Imagine the implications of continuing in this marriage. You'll be a parole officer from here on out. You'll be monitoring his behavior. You'll get nervous, if you have a child in your home. You'll get nervous bringing him places . . . like to stay in other people's homes. You'll wonder if you should warn persons who might be potential victims of his. This is a life?

Let's say you do still love him. You probably do, at some level. No one supports a guy through 5 years of incarceration without having some serious feelings. That should not be what decides whether you stay in this marriage. The question is, "Do you want the life you will have with him?" You're already angry about giving up personal time. You'll be giving up more than that over the years ahead. All that for a man who "guilts" you? You have no obligation to sacrifice yourself on an altar for him. Let go of "I don't want to lose my marriage." Give yourself the right to make a free decision. Stay, IF that is what you really want to do . . . and only if it is.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/ar...rstood-crimes/

I agree with bluekoi .. kick that bum to the curb and get on with your life .. you are allowed to live your life without that kind of anxiety in it.
Good luck.

That was my first thought, people that are innocent don't typically lie about doing a crime they didn't do, to avoid trial? That logic doesn't sit well with me.

Even so, couple that with the fact that she found a written biography saying he did it. Not sure why you'd have any questions left, it seems clear.

As others have said, I'd wonder what it is that is keeping you from moving on?

I am not really sure myself. I have been with him for over 18 years and that is a long haul for me. 5 of them with him in prison and this mess. I just do not like to hurt people and do not want to see him send himself back to prison because he says he has nothing left if i leave.
I guess i dont like to see people get hurt by my actions, especially someone i cared for. I am taking some time away from him, which is his suggestion to my surprise, and going to try and figure out what is right for me. I just keep flipping back and forth between things.

Taking time away is an excellent beginning.

If you leave, you will not be sending him back to prison. He will do what he decides to do. Is he threatening that he will offend again, if you don't take him back? What does that tell you?

You've been living on your own for 5 years. How has that felt? Have you spent a lot of time every day wishing he were there with you? If you've gotten to kind of prefer being without him, then that is your answer right there. Maybe the reason visiting him seemed okay was because you didn't have to live with him.

If you don't really want to live with him, then don't. He will be eligible for some social services upon his release. It might be better for him if you to leave him now, as opposed to a year from now. Then he can depend on the social services for his support system when he gets out. He may get less of that, if he is going home to you.

Being with you was not the answer to his problems in the past. It didn't keep him from offending and ending up in prison. How good was this marriage really?

You're in a tough situation because you want so much to help him because you care. Lots of women have ruined their lives that way. You certainly wouldn't be the first. He has already ruined his. You can't change that. You will never again trust him as you did before he went away.

At the very least, consider getting some counseling. If there were any issues of domestic abuse, call the abuse hotline to get counseling specifically for that.

If you believe he will "snap" to the point of killing himself, then what is to stop him from "snapping" and killing you first. I don't mean to scare you, but this sort of thing does happen. My mother wanted a divorce from my father and he decided to hold her hostage and play Russian roulette with a loaded gun. He lost, with the bullet to his own head, not hers. Get out, get a restraining order and get your life back. PLEASE!!!!

When he threatens to go back he threatens to violate his parole by not going to work or breaking the center rules. That can get you sent back. He almost did that when he ended up at my place one day when i was not there and access porn on my pc.
I am just at a loss. I dont want to hurt him, but i also do not want to stay. I just cant put my feelings into words, because when i do he turns it around on me. I just wonder if i should put all my thoughts and feelings into a letter to him, which is how i find i am better at expressing such things.
I thank everyone for all th
eir options and thoughts.

Being with you and having your moral support might make it easier for him to comply with the terms of his parole. I understand what you are saying.

Being in prison can be especially hard for sex offenders. They have to be segregated from other inmates who are not in the same category. If that is not enough incentive for him, then it sounds like he doesn't mind that much, if he has to go back.

Some sex offenders get housed in psych units, where conditions can be somewhat softer than elsewhere, and they may find a level of relative comfort there. Again, I'm just saying that he may not consider doing the rest of his time "inside" all that bad an option.

He was so unmotivated that he couldn't even resist running to your computer to google up some porn. Are you really willing to live with that? He has already been counseled to stay away from porn. He gets by without it in jail. He wants to come home to you because that is where he thinks he will be most comfortable. But what about your comfort? You should be made miserable, so that he can be where he will have the coziest arrangement? You married him. You did not adopt him.

He doesn't want you, as a wife. He wants you, as a parent. You've had to take care of yourself for the past 5 years. Time he learned to do the same. He's telling you that, if you won't take care of him, then he would prefer to have the prison take care of him, rather than have to take care of himself. Then let him make that choice for himself. Going back to prison may end up being what kind of works for him. He wouldn't be the first convict to lean in that direction. Among his fellow inmates in protective custody, he may have a little circle of friends among whom he is not all that unhappy. (As a sex offender, he has access to some level of protective custody. And he gets special psych support.) I seriously doubt he is out there "walking the line" with the gang members.

I hear that you don't want to stay with him. You don't have to. And you don't have to get pulled into an argument with him. Write him a letter saying that you have gotten used to being on your own these past 5 years and that you would like to stay that way. Don't bother telling him that you don't believe in his innocence anymore, which you don't. Just say that you are pursuing a legal separation and that your mind is made up. You do not have to convince him that you need to do this.

The letter is a good idea. You do not need to go pouring out "all your thoughts and feelings." Of course, he will turn it all around on you, whether you say it, or write it. Just say what you think will be easiest for him to hear. Say you wish him well and hope he does okay, but that you have decided that you don't want to live with him. End of story. Don't ask for his blessing on your decision. You'll never get it. He will never agree with your decision to leave. He doesn't have to. Make your own decision by yourself, like you've been doing about lots of things for these past 5 years.

I would never tell any woman to leave a marriage that she wanted to be in, regardless of what crime her husband committed. I'm just telling you to do what you really want to do. Otherwise, you will hurt you more than you'll help him. Sometimes, you have to disappoint someone else, to have the space you need for you. See a lawyer to talk about your options, even if you have not decided yet, for sure. PM me anytime, if you want. You have been extremely generous to this man for years. Time for you to have a life that you want.

When he uses guilt, into getting you to stay, its manipulation. deeply suicidal people, tend to not talk about it.

There's something about the psyche of a sex offender. My father, used to teach in a prison, for a couple of years. The percentage of rehabilitation for sex offenders, is marginal, at best. least respected segment behind prison walls, fyi............

18 years of one's life, is a long time to devote to someone. Your posting sounds more 'caregiving' than partnership.

It's tough when loyalties to another are strong. Placing you in an emotional worrying about him state, that isn't fair to you. You deserve better.

We argued. I wouldnt answer his call as i am very angry. He now says he will not apologize, and we are done. I spent the last several hours numb. i cant even cry. But all this time I worry about how he is feeling, how he is taking it. Was these just words in heat of battle, or is he serious. I cannot function well right now. I know i was thinking about divorce, but now it is possible I do not know how to feel. I am so worried at about why i cannot even cry. Is not crying the start of a soon to be torrent of non stop tears? Or do i just not have any feelings about it alt all? Is this right?

first of all i am going to try and by objective and unbiased as possible, which i admit is going to be difficult, most people the minute they hear sex offender the answer is to "run", "get away from this man" . i'm not going to say that because
of several reasons people tend to stigmatize things they don't like or understand( oh, she's got BPD run..he's bi polar..run). obviously your husband is sick (whether he committed the crime or not is irrelevant) he did something to put himself in a situation where he ended up in prison, he needs help. you my friend have to decide if you want to be there by his side or not. it would be no different than hypothetically if i (who suffers from severe BPD) was your husband and did something really f"d up like maybe cheating on you..both are considered heinous crimes any way you slice it, you as a wife have to decide if you are going to stay by his side or not. technically when you get married it is supposed to be "for better or worse in sickness and in health" this is obviously a "for worse" situation and i think there is no doubt the "sickness" part fits quite well, now for me i have NO SYMPATHY for a sex offender & i'm probably wrong for that and i accept it, they are obviously mentally ill as i am mentally ill as well, just in a different way. colon cancer is different than leukemia but they are both still illnesses /sicknesses. with that being said this is the hand you have been dealt & you need to take time to decide what it is you are going to do, a porn addiction is no different from crack,heroin,alcohol or meth..these people can't just up and decide not to look at porn, it's not that easy for them..they know they shouldn't but they will still relapse form time to time. i do think his making you feel guilty is not cool, maybe that's the only way he knows to ask for help..men have this funny little thing called an ego that makes it very difficult to admit they need help so they try to obtain help though other means sometimes( us silly guys..shame on us! hee hee) i'm being as honest and objective as possible,
i have to admit it is not easy...next do you love him,right now,right here your love for him is being sorely tested & i must admit i don't envy your situation, i waited a long time to post on this thread cause i really been thinking about this one. you have a lot of time invested in this man and this relationship, it's a sex crime i'm assuming he went to prison for, i don't like sex offenders at all,
that's my personal opinion so i said to myself let me put my personal biases aside and see if i can be of some help..you have got a hell of a mess on your hands & there are no easy answers..but there sure are some really,really tough questions that you are going to have to answer for yourself....

1) are you willing to stay by his side, knowing he IS going to sneak and look at that porn from time to time, relapse is a normal part of recovery.

2) are you willing to stay by his side not knowing if he is serious about his recovery and he may not even want help

3) are you willing to put up with his manipulation,from my experience people that go to prison are "changed" something about that place does strange things to people ( i don't know if i have the right to call anyone strange as messed up as i am..but...)

4) are you willing to deal with the possibility( no matter how remote or likely)
that he repeats and goes back to prison.

5) are you willing to throw away your marriage of 18 years because of something that happened that was beyond your control & you have been with him through 5 years of prison and just now walk away.

6) most importantly DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM? or are you staying because of a sense of duty.DO YOU TRUST HIM? CAN YOU TRUST HIM?

i feel like you are definitely between a rock and a hard place,this one really really got me thinking,which was good for me keeps my mind off my little relationship problems which pale in comparison to yours. i do believe the best thing to do is take some time and consider what all of the posters have said
and do what's best for the both of you, not just what is best for him or whats best for you, IMHO when you get married it is no longer about just you..which makes this one so difficult for me because i personally take marriage very seriously & i don't think one should just walk away from their obligations when things get tough and i think this is about as tough as at gets. wow you really have a mess on your hands and i know that i probably shouldn't keep saying that because it's probably not helping but i really don't know what else to say.

good luck, i hope somehow things work out

So, he called me wanting to talk things over. We argued slightly through the whole thing. Everytime i tried bringing up how i cannot do the 16 and 24 hours because i basically have things that i want to do, he starts saying that i dont consider him the top priority. He says i put my brothers before him, and that why should we have to compromise around their schedule when they should compromise with ours. He conveniently didnt remember the statement he said that he blamed my brothers for not finding another place to rent fast enough before he violated his parole and got stuck in halfway house another year.

He readily admitted he is pitting me against my brothers because he should come first, and that i should jump at the chance to spend all my time with him.

Honest opinions. Is a husband supposed to pitt the wife against her family just because he thinks he isnt the high priority? I am trying to compromise with both sides and he is a high priority. But a friend says my priority should be me first.

Any thoughts?

Ami thinking right or am i wrong about what marriage is?

He's being insecure. Just because he feels a way, though he can feel what he wants, doesn't make it reality based. Pitting you against your family is a form of control that would result in isolation.

Marriage is about give and take. Interdependence not completely independent nor completely dependent. You, do come first.

Glad you are here talking it out. I think you know what you need to do...but your getting it out of your head and looking for validation...YOU GOT IT!!!!

Just reading some of what he is doing to you makes me sick to my stomach...and you have some how learned to tolerate his behavior in the past. You are still a good person and I'm sure you will always be one. Make your plan.

His "actions" not words are proof of who he is. If he were to win you back...it's all about what he does not what he says.

Take good care of yourself and figure our how not to beat yourself up!!!!

i think it needs to be a balance, it doesn't have to be him vs them.
it's a difficult situation because his free time is dictated by the state
he cannot see you whenever he wants, while your brothers can

i can see his point there, but.....the top priority crap, i disagree with that because, he put himself in that situation, going to prison has consequences.
if it's painful, too bad because he did this to himself, stop "f" ing up & you wont have to worry about being a "top priority" whatever that means

idk how your brothers not finding another place to rent has anything to do with him breaking the law he made the choice to do whatever it was that violated him, no one can force him to do anything as far as i'm concerned.

he is your husband so i do believe he is a high priority, but not your only priority, now i'm not understanding the 16 and 24 hours but i would say this, if my wife was in prison and i got 24hrs to spend with her, me personally i would put everything else on hold, but that's just me.

everybody in this world is always talking about putting "me" first, i think that is bad advice and it's selfish, the best thing to do is to make the fairest decision based on all the circumstances which will make EVERYONE as happy as possible, this world is messed up the way it is now because everybody is always about "Me"

Selfish sounds like a bad word because that's what we were hit with as kids when we did not want to share...or what you were taught through religion......
In this case...how about "self preservation"? is she selfish for protecting herself until he can prove himself?

THats a friend.