How do you date in grad school or would you even bother trying?

The problem I have is mainly time and energy. I didn't really bother trying to date in master's and that's the easy graduate degree. And for my doctorate, I'll have an official minor area and several "unofficial", so I'm qualified in several areas just so I might have a chance to get a job. Maybe.

But if I'm not even going to bother trying to date anyone (or having friends for that matter), that's three more years of not getting any of my emotional needs met. But is there really any point? After three years, most likely I'll have to move in order to find employment and so there goes friendships/significant other that I may have at that time. If a significant other is able to move at the same time and can find employment within 50-100 miles of where I'm employed, then maybe it could work…but in this job market, I doubt that's possible.

So maybe just casually date, knowing that we'll have to break up after I graduate if we last that long (my longest "relationship" was 2 weeks and I've never had a relationship as an adult, so it's doubtful it would last that long anyway).

It just seems pointless to try to make friends/date until I graduate, find a job, and move, which will be in 3+ years. But I don't know if I can make it that long without bonding with another human being. I guess like in my Master's, I have the people I watch football with, but that's just part of the year…

And yes, I'll be around tons of people most of the time, but it's not about socializing with people, it's about developing meaningful relationships…

And if I have no chance to develop relationships in the next several years, why am I in therapy for help with that now? Wouldn't I wait until I was actually able to apply what I learn? I doubt I'm going to remember something three years (or more) later I learned but never used.

I think it is always nice to develop relationships, and it is nice to have friends or dates to spend a little time with and get your mind off your studies occasionally. If you want to date then go for out but do not worry about what is going to happen when you graduate or if you move etc.
If you are in therapy there is a reason you are there. You will not forget any of the tools or the information you learn about yourself in your sessions. Do not quit your therapy.

Your current post pertaining to bonding and developing meaningful relationships, contrasts dramatically with a previous one of yours, that state people use eachother, end of story:


And thus I'm not quite sure how to respond

I will say this though, strong healthy relationships don't just die because you introduce distance or schedule collisions.
People find ways to navigate around and through these issues daily. So I really wouldn't recommend waiting till you're "settled" to persue friendships and relationships.

I think you have to go through the shallow stage before you get to the meaningful stage, for friendships or dating relationships. Socializing casually helps us find the people we want to develop meaningful relationships with.

I would also not worry about what will happen with your current friendships three years out. A lot of the connections we make in life (at least before Facebook) are temporary. We make friends at college, and then make new friends when we move and start working. When we leave that job, we keep in touch with a few people and make more new friends at our next job.

Even if you don't keep all of the relationships you develop now, you will have those skills that lets you develop new ones more easily.

Upon thinking about this further, I almost never develop relationships anyway. And dates are such rare occurrences that I usually doubt I'm even on one. At least until they stop talking to me—then I realize it must have been a date and apparently they want nothing to do with me whatsoever.

It was a mistake to start this thread in the first place, I'm afraid…but the thought of adding endless amounts of stress to already crippling loneliness isn't going to be a pretty sight. And what makes it worse is that everywhere I look, everyone has friendships/relationships etc. and don't seem to have this problem, which makes me even more alone. And even more of an outcast among outcasts.

i think you're doing yourself a disservice by not even trying, it's always good to develop meaningful relationships & you never know how things are going to tun out. time and distance mean nothing, my ex i'm going to visit her in oregon and i live in ohio, going to try to work things out. she moved from oregon to live with me when we first got together.my best friend we met at a bar in michigan 10 yrs ago since that time he moved to florida, i moved to ohio & now he's in ohio & we hang out every weekend nowadays. go out in your free time, meet people, enjoy life. try not to put too many restrictions on yourself and you'll be a lot happier! hope this helps!

I won't have enough free time when I'm back in school. I have a lot now, but I don't enjoy being around the people that I did.

From my experience, once someone moves, they move on. I haven't talked to old friends and family after we all went our separate directions. I rarely talk to my parents anymore unless I drive down to wear they live or vice versa.

Time and distance means a lot to me. I have difficulty seeing myself happy with a relationship where we never see each other or where we don't even live in the same state. There's just a certain coldness with texting and whatnot.

Besides drugs, alcohol, and sex etc., what is there to enjoy with other people that I can't enjoy on my own? And on my own I won't be hurt like I am by other people. I guess there's the advantage of people not getting to really know me if I only have a little time to spend with them and I'll have a reason not to try to get closer to just anyone because I don't have time. But I always choose the wrong people to try to get closer to.

You would do well to try and develop what friendships you can manage to have, while you are pursuing your doctorate. You're ability to relate to other people will be just as important to your later success in what you do professionally, as your academic achievement.

If you run this question by the chairman of your department, I'll bet you get told what I've just said. Part of the goal of a doctoral program is to make you a generally well-developed human being. That's why you are required to take some courses that are outside your area of specialization. The program, in general, is supposed to contribute toward your overall maturity. This implies social maturity, as well. By now, you will have noticed that activity in your department specifically includes things that promote social interaction among faculty and grad students. You've probably been invited to the homes of professors. It is now that you start making professional contacts that may help your career. More importantly, it is now that you learn to be part of the collegiality that is part of being a professional.

If being social is challenging for you, now is the time to be working on that. Three years of isolating will just slow down your general progress in life.

What about being social, but not become closer than necessary to people I'm just going to leave? Whenever I try to get close to people, they use what I've said against me or just betray me in general anyway. As much as I've always wished to have more than a superficial relationship with another human being, it seems like that wasn't meant for me. And having even less time when I go back to school is certainly not going to help.

And that doesn't even touch what I'm supposed to do about dating. I can't even get to a second date after a GOOD first date and I'm afraid that it's because w hen I'm comfortable, I act like myself. So if I were to enjoy the date, they would be thinking, who IS this weirdo?

i will say this, i have done more than my share of the drugs,sex and alcohol thing..but keep in mind that the type of people you deal with in the drug world are quite different than the people you meet in everyday life. 99% of the people you get high with are only around for the high and are not true friends, think i'm kidding, tell 'em you are not gonna get high with them anymore and see how much they come around. there are lots of different activities you can do that don't involve getting high...you can visit art museums, go to movies, hang out at a local park or beach, local sporting events, different types of fairs or music festivals/concerts(obviously some people like to get high to do this,but just a suggestion) fishing, hiking, kayaking, rock climbing and working out at the gym..lots of options the list goes on and on you just have to chose those options..i can tell you you will meet a lot different type of people at a health club, likely someone more trustworthy/compatible that has a common interest other than just getting high. i too have made a bad habit of trying to get close to the wrong kind of people & have paid for it more than once, so i totally understand where you are coming from, look back at your past friendships/relationships and see what is it about these people that you decided to get close to them & more importantly what makes them the wrong kind of people....hope this helps!

if someone becomes a true friend, you'll keep in touch with them & they will keep in touch with you, no need to worry about if they "leave" or not, if they want out of your life, not really a friend. you can very much have meaningful relationships with people, just be yourself and people will love you for who you are, same applies to dating..be comfortable, be yourself. the point of dating is getting to know someone that you possibly can be with...if they are thinking "who is this weirdo" that's not the person for you, what you might be thinking as "weird" your date might be thinking "funny, quirky and fun to be around and not uptight" nobody wants to be on a date with someone that is uptight,
ultra worried about making a mistake..dating is about having fun and getting to know people. not all dates are good & not all are bad. if you have a good date and you enjoyed it, schedule another..if that person declines F*** 'em, next. it's their loss not yours, you have to be yourself or you'll never have fun or be happy..hope this helps!

It does sound like you've got a lot to work on. Going into counseling might be a good idea for you. All the degrees in the world aren't going to get you very far, if you can not learn to interact with people in a more satisfying way. You owe it to yourself, to not accept your difficulties as hard-wired in, though they may kind of be. Some of your problems in getting emotionally satisfying relationships are do to an outlook you have that you could change. That's a big thing to undertake, but I think you'll have a better life, if you do.

I haven't actually been invited to the homes of professors and there aren't anything specifically included for the social interaction among faculty and grad students (unless it only includes those with teaching assistantships which I have yet to get). I mean, it's hinted at, but we're sort of left up to our own luck with connecting with professors beyond the classroom. I think I would have trouble relating to professors as colleagues instead of professors. I'm not on their level. I'm not in the right place in my life and I don't know when I will be.

Technically, all of those activities could be done alone and they don't necessarily promote bonding (maybe hanging out at a local park would because there wouldn't be much else to do but talk). I've met plenty of people with tons of things in common with me, but there's no bond or connection. Nor are my needs met and I doubt theirs are either.

The reasons that I want to get closer to someone (or have in the past) could include one or more of the following (in no particular order):
1. They have access to pot.
2. They're someone I can drink with.
3. They treat me like a person (as opposed to an object, or that I'm invisible etc.)
4. They don't hate me/are afraid of me/etc. after getting to know me. Basically, they're non-judgmental.
5. I feel safe around them and don't think they're going to hurt me (physically or otherwise).
6. They are affectionate towards me in a way I can actually feel.
7. I'm attracted to them and wished I had a chance to date them.
8. They don't make fun of me.

I am myself (and relatively comfortable), but that's the problem. I'm open and honest to a fault. I don't feel I'm uptight on dates and I dress how I want to dress, even if the way I dress would probably make the person less attracted to me.

I wish dating could be fun…it was until I realized that even a good date with someone I'm compatible with won't lead to a second date and I'll never make it to the second date. It's next to impossible to even get a first date…I don't want to go alone to a bar, I've had a lot of bad experiences with online dating and have never gotten a first date (that I wasn't stood up on) on there anyway, my "friends" wouldn't help me…they would be attracted to me, but not want to date or anything. I guess they just wanted to lead me on...

The degrees worth getting at all? And what if there really aren't any people available that can connect with on more than a superficial or professional level? I am an outcast among outcasts after all.

It sounds like you are really down and don't have much hope of life being better. It must be hard to feel that discouraged. It's probably been going on for a long time. I wonder if you sometimes think of just dropping out of school. Or maybe the academic work is interesting enough to you to keep you aiming at the goal of your next degree. Be nice if you could find some joy in life, but maybe you are used to living with out that.

No matter how many different people I met and different things I've tried, nothing has worked. I'm lonelier than ever. So, honestly, wouldn't it be natural for me to be discouraged? And yes, it's been going on my whole life. Every time there's a new opportunity, I think that maybe this is it…this is the piece that will slowly start putting the pieces in place. But it never happens.

I wouldn't drop out of school (I'm actually taking a year break anyway) because it's the only thing that gives my life meaning. So that's why it hurts personally when someone merely suggests that degrees are meaningless because that's the same as saying I'm meaningless. I know I haven't felt more worthless than I have my year off of school. I thought that I didn't need to go back, that I could find something fulfilling and worth doing for a living with just a Master's, but unfortunately, no.

School is my only joy…for so long, it was the only way I would ever be around people anyway. I always feel the most suicidal when I'm about to graduate. And since the next degree IS the final degree, I feel like I have 3 years to live and then what? Work at McDonald's until I get brave enough to end it?

Your discouragement has gotten really serious. When I was a student, I used to feel down shortly after the end of each semester. It was a lot of stress to get through the term and prepare for tests and turn in papers. Then when I finally had a term of that behind me, I'ld feel down. I figured out that I was kind of lost when the term ended. It had structured my life. I don't think my problem was as severe as yours, but I think I had a taste of it.

You've found something that you've known some success in, so I would not discourage you from continuing with the academic work. You seemed at the start of the thread to be comparing the value of seeking friendships verses keeping to yourself. I recommended the former. Now, it seems that the former is not really an option for you as you see it. So I guess I don't see what it is you are trying to decide about. You sound like you think the decision has already been made for you. Being away from school may be why you have been feeling so down. (You say you're on a break.) So I guess I'm not sure what it is you are trying to figure out.

Maybe you are trying to figure out . . . well I don't really know what that is. I'm sure you would like your life to feel better. You sound a lot of pain.

you are correct, TECHNICALLY they can be done alone, but the point is to do these things with other people to promote bonding, now if you choose not to bond in any way shape or form, well..that's your choice, we all make our own decisions.

as far as your list of qualities, it doesn't appear terribly unreasonable, but i must ask why would people make fun of you? also there is nothing wrong with going alone to the bar, i have done it many times and scored many successes from doing so, i prefer going alone to a bar when i'm single..it increases my odds of a successful visit

furthermore why do you say a good date won't lead to a second date??
have you asked? did you try? or did you just assume your date didn't want to see you again?? IMHO if a first date doesn't lead to a second...it wasn't a good date..but that's just me.

dating is not that hard, it's easy really. finding the right person you are compatible with is the hard part and where the work comes in. yes it's a bit of a hassle going through all the different people, it's best to spend a lot of time on the phone talking to people and getting to know them before you go out throwing away money on dates that are doomed to fail..feel people out, see if they are what you are looking for and you are what they are looking for.
you speak of pot and alcohol, there are plenty of people who enjoy using both,
that's a starting point right there, all is not lost, hang in there and don't give up!

I'm trying to figure out if it's possible for someone like me to actually connect with people beyond the superficial, beyond simple networking. So far, relationships are all empty and even ones that I thought weren't, they ended up betraying me and breaking my trust so that I can't be close to them anymore. I could still be friends on a superficial level, but that's not what I want.

I want to believe that "love" is real again. I want to believe that relationships are more than just a person who uses and someone else who's being used but my experience backs up that belief.

I have a very strong need for emotional bonding and physical affection because I've never really experienced it, but it takes other people years to get to that point and I can't wait for years…they at least have these experiences with someone in their life so they CAN wait for years.

School was really the only place (well, grad school anyway) where I was actually important or mattered and had a job to do that no one else could do. There was a reason for me being there; I wasn't being taken for granted. I wasn't being used like I was in undergrad because they knew they could do anything to me or make me do anything because I just wanted approval...

I've had great first dates that never led to a second and I asked him a couple times when he'd like to schedule it…do you have time this weekend etc. We got along really well and talked for hours, so wouldn't that constitute a good date? Maybe because I had to ask him out in the first place? Or maybe how I was dressed (I sort of looked like I was going on a date with a girl, not a guy and dressed more masculine)? Or maybe how I often accidentally imply something sexual when I'm trying to imply something rather innocent? Either way, I enjoyed the date and so did he. Yet there was no second date.

I don't want to go to a bar by myself either because it isn't safe for me, since I apparently imply I want to have sex with people without realizing I'm implying that (This has happened with more than one person that I know of). Besides, I don't want to go to a bar just to find someone to sleep with that night…I haven't fully lost my virginity yet and I'm not quite desperate enough at the moment to let any random stranger have it. Yet.

For most of the activities you mentioned, how do those nurture a bond? Because you have stories to tell of you two together? Maybe by talking? But that's a false bond and you end up sharing something that's used against you or at some point you awkwardly have to apologize for not wanting to talk about something. Like every time someone asks what I'm in school for in chat and I'm afraid I'll be made fun of because of it (because that's actually happened). The economy isn't my fault. I'm sorry I chose to study something I'm very passionate about and enjoy instead of something easy or has a high rate of income/job growth. I simply had the opportunity to do so, but I've learned to not give details about it on here.

It sounds like you are a person who has more trouble connecting than the average person. A lot of us at PC have that kind of difficulty. For some people, it comes naturally . . . the connecting. Some people were just born to connect. I wasn't that way for me, and it sure sounds like you, too, find that real challenging. So I guess it all comes down to how hard are you willing to try. If you think it is unfair that you should have to put way more effort in than what a lot of other people do, and you won't put up with that unfairness, then I would say that your situation on connecting is probably hopeless.

Interpersonal skills, like any skill, has to be learned. You learn by trying. That can be very hard. I don't think it is really easy for anyone. Sometimes, when we watch other people and we think they have it easy, it's because we do not really see, know and appreciate just how much hard work they put into it.

We see someone with friends, and we say: "Oh, look - that person is always surrounded by support and friendship and it just comes so easy for them." We're not seeing the hours they spend putting up with others, who at times are hard to tolerate (which everyone is now and then). We don't see all that they put into building relationships, like how they risked rejection and got some rejections, as they were building their network of people whom them have in their lives.

Some people do decide that it is just not worth it. Maybe you've already decided that. You have that right. But if you are asking the readers of this thread, if they think it is impossible for you to make connections, then I think any of us has to tell you we don't see it as impossible. I do think it probably is very hard for you, and you've gotten tired of trying. I can understand that. Only you can decide if you're just to tired and discouraged to keep trying.

If you do decide to try, you are guaranteed to have some major disappointments. Some people are out to use you. Learning how to not get used is a process of gaining experience. It's really hard. Is it worth it? I can't say, if it will be worth it for you. Maybe, maybe not. You have to decide.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is it possible to develop these skills while in grad school when I'm dedicating every waking hour to school. I don't see how I'd have time, but on the other hand, that's when I would need emotional support the most. It hurts to know, I'm one of the few grad students who isn't married, for example. No one will even date me because I'm "in the wrong stage of my life". So, if that's how people feel, what chance do I have to find someone? And when is the right stage of my life? It seems to be either right out of high school, right out of undergrad, or after working for several years. So, I guess I wait until I'm 35, then see if I'm "in the right place in my life" in order to be dateable. But then I'll be too "old"…I can see it now.

I think maybe you're right. You know yourself best.