Worried. Advice Would be Appreciated.

So, i'm past the point, despite lacking trust in just about every human being, of fearing my bf's cheating on me.

We're with eachother constantly, he emails me/texts me throughout the day while we're at work, etc. We like doing things together and like hanging out together at home..

We're affectionate in that he likes to cuddle a lot, kisses me, etc. We just don't ever have sex anymore it seems. Before we were living with each other our brains were constantly on sex, i.e. on the phone, messengers, etc.. Now nothing. Now it's like a joke or something that I can't get any from my boyfriend. He says I wait until it's too late, or he wasn't sure I was trying to, etc. Not to mention outside of that i've done plenty for him and he's done nothing in the 2 years we've been dating for me, as far as sexually... going down! I'm clean so that's not an issue. I am over weight but he is as well and he says he still thinks i'm attractive, etc.

It's just becoming a huge issue and despite me throwing out words here and there in regards to it, whenever we've sat down and spoke about it, seems to get over looked as if it's not important. I know sex isn't everything but i'm only 30, i'm divorced, i left an unhappy marriage in hopes of being happy. Not going through the same thing for the rest of my life.

It just seems outside of material things anything that would make me happy he has no care for. Like i'm just here for his life to ride along. I'm not financially independent and I rely on him for help with some things but don't get as much help as I need, that I know he can help me with, for my health (No insurance, need a dentist, etc). Yet, we have money to do this or go here, or do that. Yet the important things aren't getting taken care of.

Despite him being nice to me mostly, and spending money on me, taking me places, enjoying his time with me when we're not nit picking, why do i feel as though i'm just an extra income to him to help him towards his goals while i'm just here with no satisfaction in my life in -any- aspect? I feel like i'm just hanging out with a close friend. I don't know how I should feel. i just wish things were differnet. I wish it was how it was before we lived with eachother. All the talking in the world doesn't seem to change anything because when i have an opinion i'm usually "wrong" despite it being the impression I get.

Sigh.

Have you tried setting aside a night every few weeks as a special date night? Maybe cook him dinner, give him a back rub, put on something sexy that you know he likes, & take it from there.

When your partner withholds intimacy it's usually because something serious is going on within them. It doesn't necessarily mean they are cheating, but he's definitely got something going on in his life. I've been in a few relationships where towards the end I withheld sex & it was because I was unhappy due to feelings of resentment for various reasons. I suggest you sit him down for a serious talk before assuming the worst. You never know how he answers.

I am not sure that you see this but in a situation like this it seems that sometimes we overlook things. Something's changed and maybe you're not seeing it right now but perhaps it would help to analyze this and look within yourself to find that which has changed between you. He doesn't wound abusive or mean although I can see that you've made it clear he can be critical ("I'm usually wrong...") ..

I see resentment on your part that is definitely affecting your communication with your bf and your relationship. In the fact that you state in 2 years he's done "nothing" for you.. sexually but you've done so much.. clearly states that even though you'd take wahat you can get sexually you're dissatisfied even when you get it. That translates to him in that he's not good enough for you and it may affect him wanting to have sex more often too. I know that's not all on you, and I don't want to blame you or make it sound like I am. What I am saying is that his lack sexually in giving you what you really want this way, is very clear in your short statement so how much more that he knows this is the case? Even though it may be on his shoulders to be the one to give something to you more often, the fact is the disappointment on your part probably has affected him in that he's not trying so hard. For this part of things I wonder if you can talk to him about it, try to see if that is affecting his wanting to have more sex? Just a thought here.

As for your fear of his cheating, quite honestly your post lacks evidence of this for me, and I would be cautious in jumping to that conclusion. You're probably affected by the fact that you have so little sex that you might be thinking "he must be getting it somewhere" Which isn't necessarily true.

He sounds like he cares for you but expresses his love in other ways right now and has some kind of resistance to the sexual part of things. Because he sounds like he does care, I think that somehow you need to find a way to breach the subject of sex with him and get to the root cause of it. I don't konw how well they work for sexual issues but maybe if talking doesn't work, consider a couple's therapist? Not saying your relationship is in trouble at all but sometimes therapy before the relationship is in trouble can go a long ways to making it even better!

Well the thing is I never express that to him that way. I never say "well you don't do this" I've brought up the question of why it's not as often, etc, and he's just stated it's because I go to bed too late and he's tired or he doesn't know I want to, etc. Lame things. As far as dinner, he gets dinner made for him every night, doesn't like back rubs, and i usually do lounge around in night gowns, other things that aren't something i'd wear if we had company over. So since i'm never critical of him as far as "you don't do this, this is bad, etc" I'm not sure why it would fall on me. I even just out right asked him before why he doesn't do the deed for me, and he's stated that he never knew I wanted something like that...

It's just silly. I don't really get it. I do get frustrated that I don't make enough money to cover more that I want and it seems like he doesn't really care. As long as what he wants and needs are taken care of i can wait. This has even come down to my health where I need extensive teeth work done and he told me December, well December came around and he had to help someone with a bill for months now we've been paying this other bill for someone else (A time share of all things, how responsible of this other person), meanwhile my health gets put on the back burner, then I get told May, now i get told i'll have to wait even longer because he bought a house, WE, i say we because without my money he wouldn' tbe able to do these things, help the other person or buy a house, ( a house we can' teven use mind you it's 12 hours away we can only vacation to it for now a few times a year). Yet, my health is still lacking. I'm in pain everyday due to my teeth and it's extremely stressful and makes it hard to get along with him on top of everything else.

He even at one point stated he'd get care credit so he couold help me get on a payment plan with them knowing my credit is bad but then seems to be completely disinterested in that, and others have said maybe because he's afraid i'll bail and leave him with the payment, but after 2 years if i haven't bailed yet and i've left ALL my family in another state, and all my friends, i have absolutely no one here, why would I bail now? I guess overall my frustration comes from that... No family in the area, friends, job i'm not happy with because it doesn't let me exceed, nothing. I feel like i litearlly have nothing here and i'm 30 and I have nothing in my name, nothing i'm happy about, nothing to do around here, and it's just very blah. I'm lonely as hell most the time and just try not to feel bad for myself because it doesn't help but alot of times I just sit in my office and cry, because i feel me and him aren't where we should be relationship wise, i have all this medical problems i gotta deal with, i miss my family and because of this new vacation house and because of money now i won't be able to see them like i thought i'd be able to in june, it's just frustrating..

I wish he understood my frustration and i wish we connected better sexually because I know he can be a very sexual person i just felt he's always held back witih me since i've been with him. I don't want to do this forever like this, somethings gotta change and seems the talking doesn't help.

Something does need to change, indeed. I sense quite a bit of resentment from you and a lot of score - card behavior here. You have now mentioned a few times in this thread, the things you are doing for him and then weighing it against what you get in return. Unfortunately as long as you score things this way and let it affect how you see your relationship as if there is some kind of situation where if you do x he needs to do y... you're going to remain unhappy.

There are needs, I don't mean to make it sound like you should not expect things or want things from someone. What I am commenting on is your mindset that there is some kind of score being kept where you're getting all the points and he has none becuase he doesn't do this or that. I'm not sure if you're aware of your doing that which is why I mention it. Thing is, if he does NOTHING for you at all, why are you with him and if he does, why are you focusing on what he doesn't do? It's a matter of how you see things.

Keep in mind there are different love "languages" for people. Each of us should be thinking about how the other one feels loved and how they tend to show it. One might be a gifter, another might be physical, while others may be a servicing person who does things for others.. sometimes there is a mismatch between people. Try to understand his method for showing it and let him know how you feel the most loved. you can't MAKE him be more sexual, physical or anything but you can voice your need to him. The question of how much he cares for you will show in how much he listens to your verbalizing it.

Talking is always good and I know you feel like it's getting nowhere but perhaps it's not the whole act of talking that is ineffective as much as it is how you are talking and what you're commmunicating? perhaps you're just not sparking enough motivaation in him to listen and want to accomodate you. I don't know. Communication is always important and if it's not working, try a different method of communication.

Hope this helps.

I guess feeling like everything I said wasn't ignored and feeling like receiving any kind of help from him should be expected considering every dime I make goes to him. Why are we helping other people when I don't even have the medical attention I need?? I mean, is literally every want and need of mine put on the back burner for him and everyone else? I don't think that's me keeping a score card I think that's just me realizing i'm completely insignificant in his mind set. I've spoke with him plenty of times asking why things are the way they are and nothing ever changes. So maybe the best thing for me to do is to find a way to move on and out back to where my family is 500 miles away.

K...this seems like a huge red flag that got planted like an afterthought in the garden of your discontent. If he's 'always' been like this since the beginning of your relationship, you should have realized, as a fully grown woman, that you can't just change him, because it's not working for you now. Please don't think I'm being harsh, as I don't mean for that, but this situation was 2 years in the making, not just a few upsetting months.

Now, you're realizing that what you signed up for, you actually got, and without a support system (i.e. family friends) it's become hugely difficult for you to deal with. This is understandable. Being magnanimous can be a very lonely offering if it's accepted and the giver is then marginalized.

Same suggestions apply with any relationship where at least one partner is unhappy to the point of possibly leaving (and pointing out your lack of funds, and isolation, tells me you have at least floated the thought in your head a few times) .... see if he's willing to go to marriage counselling (hopefully there are state paid for/fed paid for help in your area). Have that sit down, heart to heart.

It will be in your voice, the irritation, and disappointment, but try to cool that. If he feels you're attacking him, the conversation is over, even if he is the type to be non-confrontational. Coming from a position of 'I understand you may be feeling unhappy too' works wonders. Empathy, before explanation of conversation reason usually does. Then, as I've said before, LISTEN to him. Don't worry about how you'll answer or what to say next. Just LISTEN. If you do comment after what he's said, comment ON WHAT HE'S SAID, not on something it reminded you of. If you're not sure how to do that...repeat what he's said back to him, in your words so at least he KNOWS you heard him.

Don't rush it. Take your time (set up a time where this is possible). You sound very much in love with him, so I have hope for you.

Take care

Well I'm really not judging you for it, I'm just saying that you are doing a bit of comparison here and with what you've just said I can undrestand that. AT some point in a relationship where someone starts feeling like they're doing all the sacrificing and the other one doesn't care, it does tend to make us kind of do a score card, but that's not the problem. The problem is that something about the relationship has caused you to look at that. I'm not pointing fingers at you as if that's the source of the issue.

I think in all truth, at some point, if you continue to ask for things from your partner and it falls on deaf ears, you should look at moving on. I'm not one to promote break ups unless it seems there is no agreement from the other partner that something needs to change or taht they need to change things. Once you get to the point where you know they are probably not going to change you have to assess whether it's worth it to keep sacrificing your needs for them or if it's time to move on.

I'm sorry if I sounded judgemental. it seems clear that there is resentment but it's definitely justified. I'm sorry you're having such trouble in your relationship. *hug*

That's exactly what it is. Not only is my family no where near i'm at a job where i'm alone all day in an office, no co workers, no conversation, nothing. Even all my friends have forgotten about me minus one, since i've moved. I literally have no one but him. I'm so lonely all the time and so bored all the time all I have is a bajillion hours to dwell on this and make myself miserable. Which usually isn't my way to do things, i just can't seem to help it. He's been nice in the past with trying to offer help, or with doing things for me, or talking to me, like I said, seems the relationship was better ALL THE WAY ARound before we actually moved in with eachother and started dating. That's sad imo that i'd miss being 500 miles from him and how good the relationship was then. It's like, i'm a friend to him, and not even a good one. Just a friend that he kisses and cuddles with. He's not broke by any means, or poor, he has an income far larger than mine, and for some reason ALL my money goes to him while everything I need is completely put on the back burner like I stated. When i've brought up the idea of counseling when we had worst, sometimes abusive, problems before, he just said he woudln't go to any doctor that just wants to shove meds down people's throats, even though i explained that's not what would happen. I just wish I felt like I had someone and wish I felt like I had a home that was actually mine and the attention I deserved medically and emotionally. I feel like i'm just here, floating along on someone else's dream with nothing of my own and nothing to look forward to either. It sucks being 30 and feeling like i've wasted 30 years and i have no satisfaction. It's very depressing and when I talk to him about things it doesn't help. I wish I knew i could trust him and wish I knew he cared and maybe this would be easier, but as it's been stated plenty of times in the past, actions speak alot louder than words. i'm not feeling the actions.

well junestarlit...you have a problem on your hands (duh?? right)

so you have tried to talk to your bf & he is not getting it. you may have to try the "blunt stick" approach! LOL! you have got to be a lil more a matter of fact...you are not getting your needs met and it is an issue. in a relationship both partners are responsible for taking care of each other's needs.period.
there is no excuse for him to be withholding sex from you...sex is a very, very important part of a relationship and all partners involved need to be on the same page or there is going to be trouble.

when i am dating i make it a point to let any perspective gf know upfront that i have a high sex drive and that stops any misunderstandings early on, everyone is different but these are topics that need to come up when someone is dating..but all too often people don't want to touch the subject for fear of running people away.

there are things you want done(going down,etc) and it's not happening.
this is a real problem that needs to be fixed. your satisfaction as well as his is very important or it won't work..simple as that. IMHO it is never "too late" or "too early" or "too hot" or "too cold" to have sex..these are BS excuses..nothing more, simply an attempt to get out of it that's all & it is not fair to you.

i get the impression your bf is selfish and irresponsible..i suggest you start becoming more independent, it can't be all about HIM and pfft on you, a relationship is a 2 way street..teamwork, the idea is to work together on all endeavors, he doesn't want to do it...it's time for a change.

he needs to be told( nicely not yelling or screaming) that you are not satisfied with how things are and you will not continue to be unhappy, again a relationship is about balance & fairness..one person can't do all the work, he starts helping or you move on!

i hope this helps & you guys can work things out!

Agree with 99% of what you've said except

" IMHO it is never "too late" or "too early" or "too hot" or "too cold" to have sex..these are BS excuses.."

Unfortunately they do get used as bs excuses but they are valid reasons depending on the person. Keep in mind you added you have a high sex drive so, fact is those things probably don't affect you much. They would me, somewhat...

I do agree in her case that he's probably making excuses though.

Yeah, the sad part is before we met he came off as having a way stronger sex drive. Whenever I mention stuff he says that I wait until too late so he's tired. I just wish I could change everything that's ever happened, i feel as though these thoughts, insecurities, distrust, will always be stamped in my brain as long as we're together due to them happening now.

It is sad, the way relationships work. I sometimes wish we could know what we are getting in the beginning but so often there are things we find out later about the other person that really changes the relationship. We as humans are so often putting our best foot forward that sometimes (and I'm guilty too) we aren't completely genuine. Some of this is due to the fact that we are being cautious but I think many times we go too far to "look good" to the other person.

Being my age (46) I've learned and have calmed down and going forward I am trying to be more genuine if I ever meet someone, I want them to know what they are getting and that way if they choose me, they won't be in for shockers later, like you are with your bf.

I hope it gets better for you

start asking earlier..hee hee. don't be ashamed to ask, sometimes honesty is the best policy, and in my mind it is totally acceptable for a woman to ask he bf for sex, guys shouldn't have to initiate all the time.

oh absolutely he is making excuses & at times there can be legitimate reasons..but they can be rectified..too hot, turn on the ac, too cold turn on the heat, too late for me that's bs i never knew there was a time limit on sexual relations...i would find it a bit strange "oh look honey its 12:15 the cutoff is it midnight NO SEX FOR YOU!!!" wow, i don't think i would put up with that! LOL!

so yes there are valid reasons, you know a surgery perhaps..maybe a death in the family, but i do believe that this guy has no valid reasons though! i think she needs to put her foot down!

that's my point, if he's playing a video game or watching tv he can stay up until 2 sometimes. Though if I go to bed at 11:30 it's "So late and i'm tired at that time you need to ask earlier." I'm sorry, but something kills the mood for me when I have to ask at all or bring it up or even talk about it, it should just be instinct. Then it's, he's pleased, he's done and sometimes it can be a week again or longer and it's as long as he's pleased it's done and it was all well. I'm not falling for it anymore. I don't even wanna deal with it. Everytime I bring up something I get a pissy fit from him that IM doing something wrong or IM The problem, i'm so over it. I just wanna f'ing be happy and I wish I didn't feel like I had to hold him and shake him and tell him things for him to understand. He's not dumb. It's like he just plays clueless when it comes to it. How f'd up is he in the head that he thinks things are okay this way? I'm just very frustrated and lonely. I wish i had friends near by or something. Money, anything. I don't get those luxuries that he has despite my whole check going to him. I just wish I had SOME kind of a life ya know. THe rest would be easier to handle if him and I were in a good situation but as clueless as he may be thinking we are i don't think we are. I'm not even sure we could ever be happy and it's like.. i'm 30 and still trying and still hoping and i'm just getting sick of it. Sick of letting someone elses actions effect me so much, sick of feeling like I can't be honest and open about things and have a change from it. His answer when i say i'm so sick of so many people is "Shouldn't let things bother you that are out of your control". So, i should just sit around and let things be the way they are in every aspect of my life and just be completely miserable with -everything- or move on from it trying to find happiness? It's so dumb. UGH. I could scream, cry, just such an annoying feeling.

how long have you been with him and how long has it been deteriorating? Just wondering because... You can never change the other person but like I said, voice your needs and hope they will listen and accomodate you, but after some time, with them ignoring it and not caring whta you want, it seems to me the best thing is to move on. To love someone means, at least for me, to take care of them, their needs. If he is not doing anything to show you that he does care, doesn't take into account your needs, and wants.. I'd be wondering myself, if he does.

We started talking online spoke for about 5 months before I moved out here to be with him. We've lived with eachother for a year and a half. July will be 2 years that we've "known" eachother. We had bad and good throughout the whole time. He's just very stubborn when i do express things to him or acts like he understands then nothing changes. He says he loves me and acts like we're this small family but if that were the case he'd care more about how i feel with things and make an effort other than the effort he's made before i even came out here. I've given up everything to be here and that doesn't even phase him. I got told in may we'd visit my family, just like my teeth, are we? No. No money because we got a house we can't use. So, can't see family. Then we tell my family to visit the new house in July, then he comes back with a "we might not be able to go in july" Ok. WHEN The hell will i be able to get my teeth fixed so i'm outta constant pain and when the hell will i be able to see my family again? I tell him how lonely I am here all day at work with nothing to do and no one around and he starts talking to me less thoruhgout the day. It's just i could go on and on about the things that aggravate me and that make me question the same if he means it when he says he loves me. Like hsi "We don't have money to do this" Then we eat out twice and buy this and buy this... Why? Because the things i'm asking for or want (To rephrase that since i don'te ver ask for anything) , aren't important to -him-. He just wants me to ride along and be okay with everything he does and be happy he's happy and not have a mind or life of my own or meaning to my life of my own.

As this thread progresses and your description expands, into more detail I'm getting more and more convince this guy is really not good for you. The fact that he let you move all the way out there and now has changed his tune and is doing nothing to help you or let you see your family etc, etc, ummm seems like it could be borderline a controlling person that you're with. Typically in an abusive situation the first thing the abuser will do is isolate the victim from friends and family. Then all support and love and everything that was used to lure them in is dropped.

i'm not saying he is abusive, but I am saying he seems to have those tendencies and part of the "chase" for him, assuming it's not an abusive situation you're heading toward, is gone. Without the need to chase and appeal to you to keep you around he's lost motivation to actually accomodate you in the most basic sense he's very selfish and only does things when it serves his purposes.

That's the thing. Maybe 'tonight' he's too tired, so where is the 'honey, let's plan for tomorrow, I promise?"

Keep your next pay cheque and fix your teeth, better yet, keep as many pay cheques as it takes to get you back home.

Doesn't sound like he's interested in being your partner, your lover or even your friend. Sounds more like he just likes having a trophy to show off whenever the situation calls for it.

The trophy sits on the mantel and collects dust, its mostly ignored and only gets dusted and polished once it looks forlorn ( expressing your unhappiness and him "agreeing" to fix things) or when someone else will see it, for appearance sake obviously....

Sucks, I know. Oh how I know...

I used to be a trophy, just simply part of the damn furniture toward the end... no amount of communicating made me become a humanbeing, actually, after a few years, I got downgraded to punching bag...

Not saying he's gonna beat you to a pulp, just saying I know what its like to be an insignificant mantle piece... I would leave.

Because he's not meeting any of your needs, he brings nothing to the relationship table, serves no significant purpose in your life.

I'm sure your friends back home can provide whatever it is he thinks he is, and then some...

i agree you shouldn't have to ask, but at this point maybe he isn't catching the hint or simply doesn't care.you shouldn't have to go days on end without sex or begging for it..uncalled for.

at the end of the day we are responsible for our own happiness & people can assist us on that journey or they can get out of the way...i get the impression he is in the "in the way" category, it's looking like it is time to move on.

hoping is not a good strategy my friend and you ARE going to have to take control of your situation if you are to ever be happy. i get the impression he is using you, you are giving him your entire paycheck( not a good idea) while you are expected to quietly go along for the ride.

money is being wasted on non important things while you suffer in pain.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?? i think you know what is wrong
and what needs to be done.

things are not right and you know it...the question is what are you going to do about it?

IMHO you should be done talking, it's time for some action.

i hope this helps

this is a bad situation and it keeps getting worse..i suggest you cut your losses and get out of this situation asap..idk what else to say, it's not looking good at all