Lost family members

I just talked with my xhusband and he mentioned his father who past away 8 months ago, that he felt sad and how difficult it is to lose.

I sometimes feel that my xhusband forgets I have both lost my brother and mother. My brother shot himself at age 18 at my grand parents house and my mother had schizophrenia and was under care, she died suddenly one day of an aneruisme too young. I didnt get to say goodbye to any of them.

I know so well how painful it is to lose a family member and I feel for my xhusbands pain.

Today it triggered me because I hear him say ( again ) how difficult it is and its said in a way that I dont know how difficult it is, when I DO know. It triggered me and my pain over my own lost family members, my own pain and grief and I started shake inside when it sounds like I dont know how difficult it is.

The grief will not vanish no matter its a year ago or 30 years ago or 8 years ago.

I reacted and said I DO know how difficult it is and told him I feel he forgets I have lost family members in horrible way. I said I am sorry for bringing up my own pain and my own family members as it was my xhusbands grief and feelings that were talked about.

I feel guilt for bringing up my own family members and not just listen to his pain. Its just that its hard when someone speaks as if you have not lost someone and dont know how difficult it is when I have.

Was I wrong to mention my own grief and pain?

You do not need to apologize to your EX-husband for anything.

Maybe not, but I feel I am not that compassionate when I brought the grief and pain over from him to myself.

Maybe I am overriddled ( is that right word? ) with inappropriate guilt? Our conversation ended normal and nice like usual though.

I think that asking this Q in the Grief forum may be more helpful to you. Maybe I am wrong, but I would think that more readers would be there to give you the feedback that you're looking for.

Gentle hugs & best wishes to you.

Thank you, shezbut Yes I should may have wrote it in the grief forum.

I feel a bit better today.

But he is your EX!

I guess this depends on the individual... when we listen to someone who has lost a loved one... we do know how that feels.. that's empathy.... "When my dad passed or my dog was run over.. or whatever".. sometimes we may mention our past loss/grief because we can relate.. and cry with you because it triggers our own loss.

Understandably... the person whose loss was recent will need extra care.

Thanks brainhi, that is what I was thinking too, they need extra care. Its just a bit sad when he never have ever empathized much or any with me and my feelings.

Shortandcute, yes he is my ex, but as a christian, for me empathy is not meant for one person and not another.

Not at all. In marriage was he oft dismissive of you? Did he not see you as a complete person?
Dealing with exes can oft bring out past hurts from marriage.

I understand what you're saying. But I have a saying, "They're EX's for a reason, and it's not because they're treasures." In other words, there's a reason you two are not together anymore. I'm just not sure why you feel obligated to even still talk to him. It's not that he doesn't matter as a person, but why are you even still engaging him?And then you feel guilty for having feelings, too?

Healingme4me,

he had strong narcissistic traits when I couldnt get the papers right to sponsor him to my country. He was heartless with verbal abuse and vanished in narcissistic rage. I have written more about this and him in my first post a while back. It was a shock and traumatizing as he turned into Hyde out of the blue.

So no he didnt have any empathy with me at all. Its the first time in 8 months ( its around 8 months since his father died ) that I felt this triggered because he says it in a way that sounds like I dont know how difficult it is. If I mention my lost loved ones he usually dont say that much, he just listen and he comes with the words "that is life", "some people die young" and he came with other bad stories in the world, its like he doesnt acknowledge "my" pain as it is. He has never really empathized with me and said he is sorry what I have gone through and that I have lost my loved ones. At least I cant remember him ever saying that. Maybe he just cant because of narcissistic traits.

I try be as empathic as I can towards him, but now I could only take so much. The thing I react on that day was not that I have lost family members but that my xhusband says it like I dont know how difficult it is. If he only could have knowledged my pain and said he understand and knows how difficult it must have been for me, it would feel better. I had my brother point at me with the rifle and a couple months later he had shot himself. At least my xhusband said it was nothing I could do. I know that. It would just have helped if he could say he is sorry for my pain too. I cant remember him having said that.

Shortandcute, I know its difficult to understand why I am still in contact with him. I sometimes have wondered myself. Its now 3 1/2 years we have been in contact after the cruel divorce. I was then together with my xboyfriend ( who was sociopathic ) and I thought I could handle the contact with my xhusband. I said no 3 times to my xhusband first but he persisted and I gave in. Its not that I have any romantic love for him, as he killed that love when he turned into Hyde. But since then I have also become a christian and even it might have healed me faster by not being in contact with him, I have chosen to think its ok to have contact. Something in me feels sad not being in contact with him. It might be I have not healed the trauma and pain he did let me go through. I dont know how to explain it, one could nearly say I feel split. But I try my best. I have forgiven him, at least I feel I have and think that is true, but the pain of what he did is still within me. I dont love him, but I feel a pain and sadness, but I might not know quite clearly enough what the pain really is. It feels much like a death. So maybe this is why I keep contact.

That I feel guilty for having feelings, I know this is not healthy. I just wish it didnt have to happen that way when it was talk about his father. I guess I have the right to express my feelings too. Yesterday I watched vision norway a lot ( a christian channel ) and they talked about Jesus having cleansed us. It was Todd White who was the speaker. I like him, he is good.

It does come accross with all the labels, a comfortable mental spot where you're the victim and they're the enemy, of sorts.
I'm of strong faith myself, I'm not certain that there's a message in scripture telling us that we must self punish by subjecting ourselves to cruelty, which running back to him is.

It only says we are to forgive and pray for our enemies. So I do think too, like you say, that we dont have to be in contact with them. I dont have contact with him because of this reason, but because something in me feels sad not being in contact with him. I have many times wondered if I mess with my own healing or to be able to move on in life as long as there is contact, but I take it day by day and put my trust in God. Thats all I can do now.

Having pity I've learned differs from having compassion. And having pity isn't love, even in a platonic sense. I only communicate with my ex as it relates to the children. And even, at that, it's limited. Sometimes, I may expand on a topic, such as dealing with my family of origin, only because I have come to trust it will be a positive for me discussion in the sense that it's supportive with historical knowledge.
He also didn't dismiss how affected I am overall by losing my mom, he'd lost his years prior. I trust, however, that he cannot comprehend how torn I feel on various holidays over my loss, so I don't expect him to. And I don't go there with him.

I understand you are in contact with your ex concerning the children. Its good you can be able to expand talking about family of origin and that you trust it will be positive. I would believe your ex was not narcissistic and this is why its possible to get positive support and why he doesnt dismiss you. Narcissists or abusers often cant se past their own noses.

I have both pity and compassion for my xhusband. I have compassion for him as he lost his father and pity for him for his narcissistic traits/disorder.

My ex is diagnosed borderline and bipolar .

If there's anything that I do know about narcissism, no contact is the only way to stop giving them their supply.

I am sorry about that, it cannot have been always easy for you either.

Before I came here on this board I have been on a narcissistic recovery forum for 5-6 years. I know the only way is NC, but I have not managed to do that with my xhusband.

No need to feel bad about my ex husband or my own struggles with that relationship. It is what it is.

Is there something about your ex that draws you back in? Aren't you taking the steps necessary to remain in recovery?

I dont know what it is what keeps me connected to him. I just know I would feel very sad and lost/alone if not having the contact. It may be fear.

I had no problems going NC with my last xboyfriend because I experienced his horrible behavior him being presence. It feels different with my xhusband, maybe because he was not in my country and nearly all the abuse happened over the internet. Well, there happened some bad things down there in middle east, but the worst was online. Some would maybe say the worst would be what was happening down there but for me the worst was online with verbal abuse. Because it was a shock and he tortured me for weeks during the divorce.

Then this has worked to his benefit, it appears.

Yes, that is true. Not very funny to admit but thats how it is.

Is this a relationship that you truly desire letting go of, or is the status quo, ok?

I have not thought about having desire of letting go. It is ok as it is with the contact.

My only concern is that I think having contact with him will make me feel guilty for finding someone new and tell him. It all goes back to my issues about feeling bad for letting someone down. I know it will happen one day that I must let him down. A year ago or so he said he understand I want to find a new husband but he also said he didnt want to think of that day. It didnt get better after he asked us to remarry lately.

But with time things will need to be different because I dont intend to be alone the rest of my life. I have it good alone right now. I take one day at the time.

just to add, I probably dont let him down as he didnt care when he had me. But I feel this way and its probably a false toxic feeling. Something I need to work on.

Why is your love life, any of his business? Is there alimony or health insurance that could be affected if you remarry?