Drifting apart -- conflicting schedules

My fiance and I are on opposite schedules. He works nights from 7pm-7am rotating days off and I work Mon-Fri 8am-5pm. When we were first dating, I rented a ranch and lived with my horses. I could easily occupy my time on his duty days. However, after a few months of talking about it, I agreed to move in with him to his house. I pay to keep my horses at a boarding facility about an hour from the city (where the house is). Since then, I have slowly but surely slipped in to this ugly depression. Part of me gets very lonely when he's gone because I don't have my outlet (horses/nature/etc) right outside the back door. I have a huge house in the city and am completely isolated. Often it feels like I have to pick between seeing him or my horses, because I have the opportunity to see him if I come home right after work versus going to the horses. Whichever I choose, I feel guilty for neglecting the other. He is very much a homebody and likes to sit inside and read or watch TV or play a game. I am very much an outdoors woman and like to hike and fish and ride my horses.

He can see I am 'down' as he calls it and tries to cheer me up, but I just don't know how to find balance in my life. I am so torn because I don't want to be depressed, but I also feel incredibly selfish. I am grateful for this brand new home, but I don't think he realizes I'd give it all up to live in a tiny cottage with my horses again.

The more he tries to 'support' me, the more I withdraw. He gets very frustrated and tries to make me happy by doing things for me and telling me he's doing them FOR me. He tells me he is going to buy property for ME and he won't ask that we have kids until I'M ready. Which, I get is a REALLY nice thing to say and I know I am really jaded because who wouldn't want to hear that? I am incredibly lucky and thankful for him. But it makes me feel responsible for everything. Like the pressure is on ME to perform and its MY fault we have to potentially move and that I don't want to start a family right now.

And a part of me gets more and more lonely every night he is gone. He's even talked about going to day shift or getting a M-F job for ME but I couldn't ask him to do that. He loves his job. It is so evident. If he did that, he'd be just as unhappy as I am. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, since I have no family in Texas and I can't really share it with anyone because they all tell me I have the BEST partner in the world. Which I do. I just-- only have him half of the time. And I don't know yet how to adjust to that.

Does he know how important nature is to you? Maybe he would be willing to sell his place and buy a ranch closer to where you lived before. I also think it's okay if you want to see your horses after work a couple of times a week. It's not like you can squeeze in that much quality time in the 90 minutes you both share before he heads out to his job.

Why do you think you are resistant to his offers to change his schedule? Maybe he would be happy doing the same kind of work on a day shift.

Is the type job he does could be done perhaps every other night and alternate days? Does it have to be nights all the time? Is he a nurse doctor police officer? You can work nights but not always and only nights. If he offers to change his schedule i would accept

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I think you should not feel guilty for pursuing your own passion which is horses! They really can be quite therapeutic. Please stop feeling like you are the only one who should make sacrifices to keep this union happy and together.

You will learn to resent him if you don't clear this up soon. Time for a long talk until a compromise that makes both of you happy is reached. Big hug and good luck.

Thanks for the replies! He is a police officer with extensive DWI/DUI training. That his his passion. He's worked nights his entire law enforcement career and has mentioned working a day shift as boring and horrible. But, in the same breath, tells me he'll "do it for me". Im scared if I do ever ask him if he'd work a day shift, he could become bitter about it. He had to work a day shift one week and was miserable. Would we just be trading unhappiness? I know my being alone and isolated magnifies and skews my perspective on that.

In the past, when he has done a favor for me or Ive needed to use his truck to haul one of my horses to the vet (I dont have a truck right now) he has always mentioned how I can repay him or what I owe him. Usually its something simple like a chore or watching one of his nephews for him, but if he expects repayment for doing something small, will he want something significant for going to days? He jokes sometimes I owe him a baby if we go to the country. That sort of debt makes me uncomfortable. Like Im obligated to give him a life! When Ive approached him about it he assures me its just a joke....but then brings it up again.

He is 9 years older than me, so sometimes it does seem he has a more permanent view on his lifestyle and choices.

He's 9 years older and is manipulating you. Why would you even give up your "previous life" without a commitment from him. So you get to live in his big house, unhappily it sounds, you get to work 40 hours a week and I assume help pay for his lifestyle, all the while missing your horses and him too. Hmpf...doesn't sound right to me. But then again, I'm pretty old fashioned. Google Mark Gungor and view some of his videos. Even though you're not married to this man yet, seem to me there is much to work out before you even consider that.

Working day shift temporarily when you are used to nights would make anyone unhappy. Maybe he will have slightly less job satisfaction if he works a day shift. Maybe it will turn out to be fine. You compromised and moved into his place. He can compromise and adjust his schedule. Why should you do all the compromising?

If he starts describing what you owe him for switching schedules, remind him that you gave up your home and horses.

You seem to be hinting at a different question, but I hesitate to answer if you aren't asking directly. I get the sense that you are wondering about your general compatibility. He's 9 years older. He likes working nights. He's a homebody and a city/suburb boy. He wants kids and it's not clear you do.

He can be a great guy but not right for you. He can also look good on paper and not be right for you. I know that I had a history of dating really inappropriate people, so when I started dating people who were more stable, I sometimes felt like they were such a great catch - and they were, in a sense, but just not for me.

hannabee, you make a lot of good points. And that is exactly the line of thinking I have been following for awhile now. I have sacrificed a lot to maintain our relationship and keep him happy. As a result, I myself have become unhappy.

Last night, I actually did go straight to the horses instead of home to see him before he leaves for work. And it was liberating. Later, though, he called and told me he'd been in a chase and got a bit banged up wrestling with someone that tried to attack him on duty. That made me feel really awful. I think I feel so obligated to be home and do what he wants because he has this dangerous job and I know if I went to my horses instead of seeing him one night and something truly awful happened (heaven forbid) I couldn't forgive myself.

But, I have to STOP thinking that way. Because anything can happen at any moment. I could get struck by lightning or he could choke on a pea. Granted, he works in a more risky field, but that is his choice and his passion. I can't shackle myself to him because I'm afraid something bad is going to happen.

I tread the line of worry and guilt at not being around and then waver over to bitterness that I am having to miss out on opportunities because I am isolating myself from my life.

But, I need to stand up for myself. I have been lately. If I want to go hike, I go hike. If I want to see my horses, I see my horses. He's been supportive. And that's great. I have to learn to LET go and if he WANTS to go to day shift or he WANTS to buy a house on property, then its because he WANTS it and not because he is just doing it to make me happy. He tells me all the time how I've changed his life and made him the happiest and best person. His family tells me the same thing. So do his friends. And I think to myself--- I wish I felt that way. But, part of me is afraid to feel that way. I'm afraid to open my heart up because I know that he could be taken away from me. I know that he won't be there half the time. And that scares me. Because I don't want to look back years from now and realize how much I missed because he wasn't there.

Thanks for giving me the time and letting me vent!

hvert, yes...you're right. I do find myself sometimes questioning our compability. When we were dating and lived in separate houses, there was no question. Our interactions were limited to our time at MY house, in the country on my terms. We share the same values. Which is really important to me. I journal and look back at journals during that time and I was so in love and so happy. Which makes me think that on a compatibility level in terms of our personalities, we mesh well. At that time, we both wanted the same things too. But, then his house was done being built and some of his less favorable habits came to light.

I think its natural to question our compatibility. Because it is a realistic consideration we will, for example, need to start a family sooner than later. I am still at prime child bearing age but he is getting older and we will have to compromise on that.

The other day he even told me if I am NEVER comfortable having a family, he would rather spend his life with me than have a family. But I know its really important to him. In an ideal world, when I am living in an environment that is good for me, I would be too.

I do think I need to have a serious conversation with him about the future and compromises. Because, really, the scales are tipped too far in one direction. He works his same schedule. He gets support for his huge home he bought. He has his household chores done while he works. Haha. So, he can step up to the plate and bring something to the table as well! Heck, I even transferred to an office closer to home. I've basically changed my entire life to be with him. Which, to be fair, I KNEW I was doing. At the time, when I thought it over, I knew I would rather pursue this than have it die off just because he was moving in to a new home.

Thanks!!

That's awesome that you are doing what you want more often. I really struggle with that sometimes. I feel obliged to be at home when my BF is at home. Why? I have no idea. It just seems like the thing to do. He's definitely not pushing me to stay at home, I'm doing it to myself. And I do similar stuff with chores (when I do them, LOL), and then kind of resent my BF even though I'm the one who decided to do them

I also think it's okay to ask for what you want. If *you* want him to switch to a day shift, that's okay to verbalize. His wants can be prompted by your wants

Hello!
I can appreciate what you're going through and that you don't want to disappoint him. He sounds like a confident, upstanding man who loves and wants to start a family with you.
From personal experience, it's easier in a relationship when one is the submissive and the other is the dominant. What you have shared so far, feels a little like this. However, I feel, a relationship is stronger when both parties are strong for each other and no one feels like a submissive.
I was an Officer and worked with other Officers and there was a sense of power and ego that went with that. Almost every relationship I knew was either going through a divorce or breaking-up.
Take my advice for what it's worth and know it's from the heart. You might want to suggest couples counseling. Come from the heart when you approach him. If you love him, give him a chance to prove it to you.
Me and my husband went to couples counseling before we were married and were better for it. Complete opposites in every way, but it gave us a chance to be heard. We learned to work together and understand one another.

Thanks SeekingPerspective. I've thought of bringing up counseling but I am hesitant as I feel like that would be enforcing the idea something is wrong. And he doensn't want to believe something is. He's told me his job comes first and I get that he has a duty to his badge and everything it stands for. It just scares me that I am going to get lost by the wayside while he upholds that duty. Especially if we started a family. I have been honest from the start of the relationship that I only wanted a family in the right circumstances when we could both be supportive parents. If we maintain our current schedules, I will barely see him and that means we will basically be raising a family separately. And he has made it clear on his duty days, he would have someone else watch the child since he has to sleep. Again, that makes sense to an extent, but WHY does he want a family if he is going to just outsource to caretakers and expect me to pick up the slack when I'm not at work.

Sorry, its just sometimes very frustrating. And lonely. Last night, he was off so we spent the day together but I still went to bed alone because our schedules are so out-of-sync. Even nights he's home, I still sleep alone. And that's really rough. I guess I don't know what I expect though. This is his schedule and his life. I might have given up mine but that doesn't mean he has to give up his. I have to figure out what is more important-- this relationship or me retaining my own goals.

jaymoq,
Out of curiosity, has he always dated younger woman? How have his previous relationships been and why did they not work? I know this is personal, but if he puts all the blame on his past partners and does not take any responsibilities...this might be a good indicator of just how he is. For instance, if he has been told before that he is: overbearing, manipulative, inflexible, distant, too career driven...he is aware of his ego and is seeking someone that will not challenge him. He might also be afraid of change. You on the other hand are not afraid of change or you would not have moved in! You might want to ask yourself, "Am I okay with being a Submissive?" I don't say this to insult you. Plenty of woman love being a submissive, cared for and have all decisions made by their spouse. A true and time-honored technique is a, 'Pros and Cons list." Ask, what are the benefits of having this man in my life? Then ask, what are the disadvantages of having this man in my life. If you believe marriage is forever, with both partners giving 100% then you owe it to yourself to really think about this situation and your feelings. You matter too! These suggestions are ones I've used myself and they me lead to the man I married. Sending you light and love.

His previous relationships have all typically been women his age. Never anyone young like me. And, he actually typically took the role of the submissive or at the very least, a neutral role. Never the other way around.

Since writing this post, I've given up wallowing in self-pity and being sad. I've been going every day he works to see my horses. I've been ok when he works late or overtime. I've just done MY thing. And it's been SO liberating. But, as you might probably expect, he is losing his mind. He is convinced that I don't love him anymore. Because I can actually go OUT and be happy. How possessive! Today, he is off duty but has a physical exam to take so he told me he'll be sleeping when I get home. So I said, ok, I'll go out to see the horses then. And he told me no, I had to come home, because any time he is off, we need to be together.

Obviously I didn't take that too kindly. Especially because days he works and I'm off, its HIS time. But days I work and he's off, its his time?

Honestly, this isn't even bothering me. I realize more than anything I was the one locking myself in this hole. He has a very respectable job and he is a good man. But that doesn't mean I have to give up MY life to support him. All that's done is make me bitter and sad.

We'll see how things go. I realize I'm probably being a little cold with him right now, but our ENTIRE relationship he has been calling the shots. And I've let him-- because I didn't feel like I had the worth to be independent. But I do!

Good for you! I'm glad you're being more assertive and thinking of yourself first and as an equal partner. Your role and behavior has changed, so I would expect some conflict. But, conflict can be good. It can open the lines of communication and maybe in the heat of debate you can voice your concerns with feeling! I hope you get your desired outcome and that he wants and can be the man you need him to be.

I am glad you are being assertive and putting your needs on an equal basis to his. I hope you guys figure it out!

Well, it's been nearly a month. Things are going a little bit better communication wise, but relationship wise they seem to have deteriorated. That could possibly be because my aunt has been staying at our house for the last 3 weeks. It has put a great strain on our communication and our interaction. When she is around, my SO goes to another room and works. I have tried to be open and admit that I am unhappy, try to find a solution for both of us, try to be open to his input and to be aware that our schedules are different.

He was just promoted in his job, too, which means he will be working the night shift for the forseeable future. At least several years. To me, that feels like it may be the stick that broke the camel's back, per se.

It seems like I have done everything to make this work. I moved, I relocated my horses, I transferred offices for my job, I have taken on the role of the keeper of the house. Its like I've done everything conceivable to make this relationship work and commit to it and I look at what he has done. Has he even done anything? All he can bring up is the fact he watches TV less. But, quite honestly, I need more than someone that watches TV less.

It seems all we are doing is fighting. He cries every time I try to talk with him and asks if I am leaving him. How many times does he have to bring it up before I say yes? NO, I say, I am trying to work this out. I LOVE him. But I cannot be this unhappy. I need something. The things I need are companionship. I need HIM. And I don't feel like I have him. If I can't have him, because of his schedule, I get that-- but then I need my horses. I need my other passion in life. And, right now, living in the city I have to choose between seeing my partner or seeing my horses.

Its really difficult. I don't want to be a quitter. But I also have been miserable for 6 months. I just want to be as important to him as he has been to me.

What does he say when you reiterate that you are trying to work it out and not leave him? If he can't change his schedule for a few years, is he willing to move so you can have your horses again? I would be really frustrated at the lack of compromise.

It's almost like I am continually have to remind him I love him. Like he is incredibly insecure. I try to point out that my being there, talking, communicating is a sign I am trying to work on things. But, its like just bringing up these subjects are an afront to him.

When I bring up moving, he reminds me he just bought his new house in September of last year and there is no way he can move right now. He tells me maybe in a year, at LEAST, we can talk about it. I ask him why and he says he wants to gain more equity in the house before he sells so he can get his entire deposit back. Which, on one hand I understand, but on the other hand -- who knows how long that could last? Sometimes, we have to do things that require SACRIFICE. Like, my getting rid of all my things (we had 2 of everything, washer/dryer, fridge, etc.) so I had to just up and get rid of mine and sell them or give them away since moving them was going to cost more than just giving them away. And I now pay a substantial amount of money to keep my horses boarded, nearly twice what it costs to keep them with me on property.

Sorry, as you can tell, I'm frustrated. I asked him yesterday if he realized that he was prioritizing EVERYTHING before me. His job, his house, etc. That he was asking me to be put on hold and to just be unhappy until everything ELSE got in sync so he could sell at profit, so he could work in his ideal job, etc.

Yesterday we did have a very serious talk and I told him I wanted him to write down 5 things he would do for our relationship to help us make it through this 'year' he indicates it would take to sell the house. He told me he would do it. So, we'll see.

I am very frustrated and sometimes it feels like I'm being unrealistic. But, I deserve to be happy. I told him the things that make me happy are 1) him, 2) my horses, 3) the country/living in nature. And I pointed out to him I barely see him, I rarely see my horses, and I am living in a concrete jungle. I have sacrified the most important things in my life to make this relationship work and the way I see it, he hasn't sacrificed anything.

It just makes me so sad. Because, on a personality level, we get along really well. But, its almost like we would make GREAT friends but he just won't make a great PARTNER for me. Maybe a girl that likes the city, can be alone and has a big friend group etc. But, that's not me.