Just got told guy friend doesn't want to be friends anymore

I wanted to find out why this guy friend was pulling away, so I texted him today to see if he wanted to talk about it. What I got back was a very long text basically saying he doesn't feel that we have enough in common for him to spend the time to make this friendship deeper. He also doesn't think I have any other interests other than looking for another job. He's wrong about that, he's just not interested in my hobbies since they're not athletic like his. I guess I didn't think friends needed interests to stay friends. Maybe that's why guys think though since they're not into the emotional feelings that women are. It sucks and I'm really sad about it. Maybe men and women really can't be friends after a certain age.

I am surprised to hear that men aren't into emotional feelings. Sure there is a difference of how women express themselves but men very much have feelings too. True though that to maintain friendship guys usually would like to have similar activities, when looking for a relationship common interests are important but not always required as long as values match.

I know it is sad he doesn't want to be friends but it is what it is. Are you interested in being friends when women too or only men? Are you interested in dating? Maybe this guy wants to date ( you or others ) and get into relationship? Is he dating?

It is not easy finding new friends as we get older. I lost friends over the years because I was always so busy and just never had the time for them and now it is not easy to meet new people.

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I'm not entirely sure, personally, if age would be a factor

I find his reasoning behind why he doesn't necessariy want to continue this friendship somewhat shallow, and honestly I don't believe that you deserve to be told that.

Sure. Interest are great discussion points / get together things for any friendship.

But there's more to it than that.....I think.

Things like talking about past events / how your day was / what you plan on doing the upcoming weekend....

I just think it's rather unfair what you were told if that in itself was the only reason.

I agree completely.

The guy is 45 if that makes any difference. He's also just recently divorced and I think going thru a lot of stuff himself. Yea, I'm starting to think that too. I don't have much in common as far as interests with most of my friends and it's not a problem. I think it was that I've been really depressed lately and talked too much about what wasn't going right. I don't know what to do about that though. Things in my life just aren't going right and my hypothyroidism still isn't regulated, and I think that's part of what's keeping me depressed, since it's a symptom of the medication not working. It's like I just feel sad all the time and can't find anything happy to talk about. I'm afraid to even go out and make new friends feeling this way. Everyone thinks it's just like a light switch, that I can just turn off if I want to. If it was that easy, don't they think I would have done it by now? I mean, who really wants to be sad every day by choice?

I am sorry you are depressed and very much hope you can find affordable therapy or at least ask your doctor if he has suggestions. Nobody deserves to feel like that. I hope it gets better. I am sorry. It's no picnic

As about this guy. No one is obligated to be friends with anyone especially if it is recent new friend/ acquaintance. It's no matter if it is lack of interest, or no emotional connection. I don't see how it is his fault he just doesn't want it. It is time and energy consuming to start new friendships at this age. And if he is recently divorced he has a lot to deal with. I don't know what kind of person he is but He might need some compassion too. When I was getting divorced the last thing on my mind was finding new male friends especially if I needed to provide emotional support to new friends! All I worried was how we are going to co-parent. I have friends who are recently divorced, stress of dealing with alimony or child support or custody or selling the house etc there is no place for new friendships and if there is it would be having fun activities together to take mind off things.

I do hope you find therapy (look into sliding scale please) or try some uplifting things like provide emotional or otherwise support to those in need. Sometimes helping others is a great therapy, takes your mind off your own pain.

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To answer the questions of what kind of friends I'm looking for and about dating. I'm looking for friends with anyone, whether it's men or women, but I do think it's harder to be friends with men since one usually ends up wanting more than just platonic friendship. I'm doing better with this than I was last night and realizing now the fault was my own for not walking away when he started pulling away months ago. I know now I was just desperate for the attention, someone to give me encouragement, hugs.....I made the friendship more than it was, and it was more important to me than it was to him.

It also never started out as a normal friendship. He started out thinking he may want to date me, but then changed his mind and said we were better off as friends. Right then is when I should have walked away. When you're friends because it's all you "can" be, it's never going to work. By then, the other person already knows you're not compatible.

He doesn't have kids from his marriage, but he wants them. So the only thing on his mind right now is going back to grad school and dating every woman in sight trying to find someone to marry and have a baby with before he's too old.

And yes, I do want to date. I just don't know if it's a good idea right now or not.

I am going to look into sliding scale therapy and see if it's affordable. I can't pay for anything until the end of the month when I get paid again, so for now I'll just read the books I ordered.

I think my big lesson in all this is I need to like myself enough and have enough respect for myself to not chase after someone who doesn't want me. It was clear months ago that he wasn't interested. I just stayed too long.

And yes, it is harder to make new friends once you're older. I've started looking at Meetups and some Facebook groups, but to start all over again and try to impress people, especially when you're depressed and don't feel very impressive, is going to be hard. I think that's why I'm afraid to start dating.

I am totally in your situation. I'm 44 and despite being a computer geek, in an area where there are lot of geeky people... apparently , I can't make any friends. I too have tried the Facebook and MeetUp groups, but since my wife passed away only a few months ago, I too feel depressed, sad and just not interested in doing anything. So yes, that doesn't help the situation any.

Also I have found that people treat you differently when they know you've lost a love one, well in my experience anyway. I suddenly get "we're sorry for your loss" line, then they move on. This is a total friend killer, let alone dating. In that case I get the "You're dating too early" line and date over.

So not only do I have difficulty making friends in the first place, it's almost like I have this stigma that I am expected to be a depressive wreck for a year, then blossom into a social butterfly. I just don't get society today.

You have very good insight and good thinking. Good job. Yes it isn't easy. I have met some nice groups of women on meetup. Groups to spend time with. Try that. Yeah guy who wants to marry and have kids isn't going to make too many new female friends. I think you are doing a great job by recognizing patterns and you are on a right track

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Yeah I think he's going through some issues of his own ... with the divorce and things, regardless, I think he's dismissing you rather abruptly and for reasons that he has unfairly not disclosed to you, if he knows what they are. It's not right.

I thought he said they have nothing in common, no shared interests . I don't see how he is obligated to disclose anything more than that . What was he supposed to disclose? They have been hanging out recently. Not like it is a childhood friend of 30 years all of a sudden stop being interested. He said he didn't want to date op and would rather be friends but he then figured they aren't suitable for friendship either. That happens

Sure it is hurtful and unpleasant to find that out, but there were always be people who are not interested in us. It doesn't mean they have issues. It is unrealistic to become friends with everyone or Blame people for not liking us.

. Sometimes we try and after few times find out that's not working. Same with dating. If people aren't interested if doesn't mean they have issues. That's life.

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I'm slowly doing better and seeing the situation for what it really was. We were never friends to begin with. I think that's why the whole "shared interest" mattered so much to him. I don't believe you need shared interests to be friends with someone, but I do think you need them if you want to share a life with someone, as in dating, possible marriage. So I think that's where he's coming from. Since he never planned on being friends in the first place, all he was looking for were the things people look for when they want to date someone.

If there is another reason that he's not telling me, I'm sure he's just trying not to hurt my feelings. The only reason I found out this much is because I asked for an answer. He never planned on voluntarily telling me. I wanted an answer and needed one for my own closure to I could move forward. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for, but I'm trying to believe it's the answer I needed.

common interests are indeed important. even when talking about an emotional connection with someone, those emotional connections need to be centered around some kind of common ground, and more often than not, interests.

I'm surprised to hear someone say that they don't think friendships need interests in common. I wouldn't want to hang out with a bunch of men or women that were all into something like crocheting or sports, what would our friendship be based on then?

I think you can have some common interests and some separate or at least appreciate each other interests. I paint but don't expect others to paint as well but I connect to people who at least appreciate arts.

I have met some people who i
had nothing in common and long term friendship never developed. I don't see friendship growing out of nothing. I connect to people who also like books and movies and enjoy some walking etc etc I don't see myself spending much time with folks who for example watch football all day ( nothing wrong with that), never want to walk outside or never read etc I have to have something in common.

And sometimes we just don't want to be friends with someone for no reason. My mom and I know this lady who really wants to be either my mom or my friend and hang out (she is between us in age), she is a nice woman but you can't pay me enough to hang out with her. Both i and my mom feel guilty but we are so incredibly bored around her that our teeth hurt. I'd rather sit home alone than spend time with her. If you ask us why we can't explain, we really can't. Just that she is boring. Life is too short and too busy to hang out with people you don't want to.

bet you there are people who just don't want to spend time with me and that's fine. I don't see it as an issue. It is just common sense. Not everyone will think spending time with me is the greatest thing on earth. People pick and choose. That's normal

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Yes, I believe you do need a common interest to meet people. You're not going to meet people just randomly walking down the street, and if I don't like sports, I won't have much to talk about with someone at a sports bar. But a common interest can be liking the same movies or going on walks, which he and I did do together. A common interest doesn't have to be a hobby necessarily. Most of the people that I know now, including this guy, were all met thru belonging to a volunteer charity organization. That was the common interest at the time. It wasn't a particular hobby, it was a shared interest to help others and meet new people.

But while I agree that a common interest is needed to initially meet people, I don't believe it can sustain a friendship or any relationship if you don't also share common values and beliefs and have trust. I'm creative. I can go to at art class and meet many people who share my love for art, but if they don't share my same values on how to treat people, if they don't believe in G-d or if they end up being judgmental bigots, then having art in common doesn't matter because I won't want to be around that kind of person.

I have several tried and true friends I have known for 20 plus years who I have don't have any activities in common with at all, but we can hang out for hours and never run out of things to talk about. They support me and will never judge or lie to me. They treat me with respect and treat others with respect.

I guess I've had so many types of people come in and out of my life, that I'm at the point where having activities in common doesn't matter to me anymore. What matters to me the most is how someone is treating me and how they treat others. How they see the world.

I believe this guy is trying to find someone who is the total opposite of his ex wife. I know who she is thru mutual friends, so I'm going to just assume she didn't share his interests. So what I really think is going on with him is he's just not wasting any time on anyone who may remind him of his ex. I think between not having his same athletic and sports interests in common and also being insecure, that was enough reason for him to not pursue the friendship. I know many of his friends he's known for years and I know for a fact the only thing some of them do together is go to the movies. If that's all he has in common with them, then he could have gone to movies with me too, but he's not looking for friends, at least not more female ones. He and I DID have some things in common, they just weren't the specific sports related interests he was looking for. For some reason he doesn't seem to think other interests count if they're not HIS. He told me he didn't see that I had any outside interests other than job hunting. That's not true. I told him several times about my photography, that I joined a photography Meetup group, that I was working on crafts for my Etsy page. He never acknowledged these because they weren't sports related.

So, no, I'm not going to meet new people unless I join a group, go to an event or take a class for something I have an interest in. But whether or not I decide to remain friends with the people I meet is going to have nothing to do with the fact that we like to go hiking together. Anyone can go hiking. Not everyone is going to share my same values, beliefs and know how to treat me with the respect and decency that I deserve.

I also know that this wasn't the ONLY reason he decided to not be friends anymore. We had enough in common to remain friends. We liked the same movies, we went on walks, we had the same political views. We've talked for hours and didn't run out of things to say. Whatever the other reason(s) are/were, he used this one because it was the easier excuse to give me.

I am just clarifying and confirming the "lesson" you are learning.

I have no problems removing myself from you or your threads if that is your wish

Everything is working for good! (whether we realize it or not)

I may have been chasing down attention, but that was not the reason this guy walked away. I can promise you that it wasn't. I really do believe him when he said we didn't have enough in common because he's looking for a female version of himself. I know how this guy thinks. And that's another lesson I have learned. No one is going to make me feel like less of a person just because I don't fit the idea of who you think I should be. That was my number one lesson in the end. I do like who I am as a person, I just don't like my life situations as they are. But that doesn't mean I'm not worth knowing just because I don't fit someone else's ideals.

Going by the way you talk and handle yourself, I believe that you have learned your lesson well.

Peace

Most certainly common values are extremely important and are way more important than hobbies or interests imho.

And I think we have to have emotional connection for both friendship and relationship. It has to be mutual and it takes two to tango. I sometimes read on PC statements " but I like him so much but she is so great but we have so much in common!"

None of that really matters if the other person doesn't feel the same

. It doesn't matter how we behave or where they are in life or common interests or what not. When something is not there for the person, it is just not there. No point to even analyze or let alone blame them or yourself. Some things just cannot be forced . It's not possible to be friends with everyone we meet. Who has the time or energy or emotional capacity for that? That's why people choose. And at our age people don't make tons of new friends. It has to be special and when it is not, it is not.



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Well, the only reason I've been analyzing my situation is so I can learn what went wrong so hopefully I won't make the same mistakes next time. Mistakes were made by both of us, but I can only control the ones I made. Some of the blame I am placing on myself though. I think I was looking at him thru rose colored glasses because I liked being around him. I've taken the glasses off now and see how it really was.

I think you'd also be surprised at how many people our age ARE looking for new friends. Maybe not a ton of friends, but there are so many Meetup groups, some specifically for ages 40 and up, Facebook page groups for singles. I think at this age many people are either getting divorced, widowed or they're single and their friends are all married, so they're looking for people to hang out with. Maybe not to find deep emotional connections, but there are a lot of people out there over 40 who are looking for friends to do things with. I'm one of them.

Just because 2 people are not comparable as friends or partners doesn't necessarily mean mistakes were made. Sure, trying to force a relationship (where there isn't one) might be a mistake, but simply not being comparable doesn't mean either party did something "wrong."

For instance, I'm dating right now looking for a partner (or friends if we click platonically). I've met some great people, but I haven't yet found anyone I'm particularly interested in. Last weekend, I went out with a woman to a festival and spent time with her and two of her friends. She was polite, funny, generous, etc-- but I didn't feel an emotional or intellectual connection. We had a few things in common (we like festivals, TV, movies, politics) but I could just tell that there was no deeper connection to be had. By the end of the day, I was very ready to go home! It turns out, she had a great time and wanted to hang out again this weekend-- but I didnt. Yes, I want more people in my life, but only people I really enjoy spending time with. I don't think I did anything wrong, and I don't think she did anything wrong. We just aren't compatible. Sure, maybe she thinks we are-- but I dont. And it takes both people to feel that way in order to actually be compatible!

I'm saying there was a mistake in my situation because I KNOW that I made some mistakes. The mistakes I made were not what ended the friendship, but I know that I acted in ways that weren't good for me.

Of course people looking for others to spend time with. Why would I be surprised? I myself met two groups of great ladies through meetups. We have great time. Those groups usually based on common interests. I always recommend meetup.

I thought you wanted to be one on one friends with this new guy like with emotional connection, not someone to do activities with etc. I meant not too many out there look for new deep one on one friendships, let alone with opposite sex.

Personally if a new single man started calling me to hang out and share with me I would have to decline. I have absolutely no time to do that regardless how nice he is. So this guy has too much going on and doesn't want to hang out. It is normal. It doesn't make neither you nor him a bad person





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You nailed it. That's just it. It's there or it's not

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I feel like I keep talking in circles here and my words keep getting twisted around. I was never looking for a deeper emotional connection with him. You're making this way too black and white. I wanted to hang out because I liked being around him. I liked who I thought he was. I liked that he was encouraging and motivated and I needed someone like that in my life. I wasn't looking for a new best friend or someone to share secrets with. I simply wanted to be around him for who he was. I was hoping it would rub off on me. I'm not blaming anyone for what happened. No one is the bad guy. I did make several mistakes, but they didn't affect what happened in the end.

Life isn't black and white. It has a lot of shades of grey. This isn't a case of someone just wasn't interested in making time for a new friend. It's about someone who has a very jaded view of what friends should be. I feel sorry for him for the way he sees things.