Tired Of Every Problem In My Marriage Being Blamed On My "Problems"

Does anyone else here feel like their concerns/complaints are not taken seriously due to their history of depression and anxiety? I am just so tired of feeling guilty and apologizing all the time for being who I am. I have not always been easy to deal with, but neither has my husband. He may not suffer from the things that I do, but he is stubborn, has way too much stuff in our house, and has a very difficult time apologizing or taking the blame for anything. Does anyone else feel this way?

What about a compromise? He turfs some of the stuff in return for you doing something yourself?

Well, mostly I would just like him to move a lot of things that don't belong where they are. I don't feel I have the right to tell him to get rid of things that are his, but I do not think that car parts, for instance, belong in a kitchen or a living room. The problem is that it doesn't bother him at all, and he doesn't understand why it bothers me. All these years I have been embarrassed to have people over, and he doesn't understand that either.

I went through relatively the same situation. I have , lets say " issues " that I have to deal with on a daily basis. My ex-wife did not have a clue as to what I go through everyday.
Because of this she blames me for all the problems in the marriage.

Her shortcomings and character defects never are looked at because I'm always accused of being in the wrong. Like you I got sick and tired of always apologizing and feeling guilty for something. It got to the point where I could not live with miss perfect anymore and had to throw away almost a 40 yr. marriage.
Don't wait as long as I did to do something about it. Are you in therapy yourself ?
Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling ?
Do what's best for you or you could be in for a lot of pain.

Well, we have been married for 24 years. He is a wonderful guy in so many ways, and has never done anything that I would leave him for. He has loved me like nobody else ever has in my life. However, he has certain wounds form his own childhood that he likes to pretend aren't there. Doesn't want to admit weakness, I suppose.

No, he will not go for counseling. Believes an intelligent person ought to be able to solve their own problems. Again, that would be a sign of weakness.

I guess I just have to get myself as healthy as possible so that I can better deal with these things. My boys are at the point of moving out, and so it will be just him and I soon. Not sure if that will make things better or worse.

I think not keeping auto parts in the living room is kind of common sense and nothing even to do with depression and anxiety

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I'll point this out and let you digest it for awhile. You say your husband has loved you like no one else, and in the same thread you say every problem is blamed on you/your condition and that your husband dirties the kitchen and living room with things anyone with common sense would know do not belong there--and on top of it, those things are preventing you from having a social life.

It seems to me if your husband was truly able to solve his own problems (his lack of a consideration of you, his filthy habits, and his mean-spirited abuse of you by blaming you for your condition) he would have done so by now, huh?

Regardless of the past, start now the way you mean to go. Get the car parts out of the kitchen and in a designated spot that guests don't have to see--the garage, the basement, a spare room, a little shed you'll purchase. If he asks why you have done this, tell him what you have said here: you want the house to be livable for both of you and to be presentable for guests. If he pulls any blustering, tell him a rational person would know that car parts don't belong in the kitchen or living room.

Stop taking the blame he is dishing out. Once you do that, it will reveal your next course of action.

I have totally experienced this. You get legitimately upset about something and the response is "Have you taken your pill today?" It's just like asking if you have PMS. It's totally invalidating! Just because you have depression or anxiety it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your perception of reality!

Yep. Take initiative. ITS YOUR HOUSE TOO! You have a right to livable common areas. Put his car parts back in the garage. Tell him youd like to have friends over and you're cleaning up.

CB has good advice. Don't waste your time with someone who sees you as THE problem.

Simple solution...show him where you want the car parts leading him by the hands and eyes. How? Car parts in garage. Start serving "food" in garage. His confusion asking. "Why are we eating in the garage?' "Oh...Aren't cars and car parts supposed to be in garages?"

Hubby laughing admitting to guys at work wearing dirty clothes. 'Yeah..now my wife asks me to carry my dirty clothes hamper down stairs. I jump and do it so I won't forget." Big baby boys. "I wish our wives did that instead of nagging."

We were taught ACTIONS have consequences. In-action has consequences also...Seeing "inaction" consequences provides eye opening "choices" .

Either I remove car parts from kitchen or eyes see garage eating "future."

That is true. As I have pointed out to him many times, no other woman would like it either.

I think I have misrepresented my husband here. He does not blame me for everything, does not put me down in any way, and refuses to help me put myself down. There are just certain things that drive me crazy. The house has been a big issue over the years. We bought an old house that needed a lot of work, but sometimes I wish he had left it the way it was. He did things that needed doing like the wiring. We also put in a furnace since there wasn't one in the house. He painted the house and has done a lot of other things. However, a lot of things have been torn apart and never put back together, or just never finished such as an addition that was put on the house years ago. All these years we really needed that space, but it is still sitting there piled with lumber and a million other things. Now the boys are moved out or moving out, and I wish I had the money back. My husband doesn't see this as any big deal and figures he's got the rest of his life to get it done.

My husband had a lot of his own stuff, and then a few years ago when his Dad died we ended up with a ton of stuff from his place. All of this stuff is trying to fit in our small house. Now we've got stuff coming from my parent's house as well.

There are some things that are not right, but he has the stronger personality, and there are battles I can't win.

Moving his things will only cause a war. He does not respond well to that sort of thing.

What would happen if you were to move the car parts?

What do you mean he doesn't respond well? So you are expected to respond well but he don't? That's not marriage. Do you have any income? I'd be out and renting my own place in a heart beat. Would come back when parts are gone

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I think I have a clear picture of your husband from what you have written. I won't offer any more advice or comments, so as not to upset you.

He would feel the need to move some of my things, as well.

I will not be leaving. He has not done anything to deserve that. He has many wonderful qualities, and I am very lucky to have him. Yes, there are some things he is stubborn about, but he also puts up with certain things about me. He does not put me down. I have always put myself down.

I posted this thread this morning when I was upset. I did not really word it properly. Understand that I have been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety, and that I have very poor self esteem. Throughout my marriage I have taken a lot of things the wrong way. My feelings are hurt very easily. There are some things that I have been upset with my husband about over the years, but they are not the types of things that should break up a marriage. He does not expect me to change; I have always expected myself to change.

Well now the real truth is coming out FINALLY !
1. As far as the car parts, and all the extra stuff you have now, and the extra space you need, that sounds like you just don't have enough space for everything. So stuff gets tossed around all over the place.

2. What your husband does and doesn't do annoys you but you still think he's a great guy.

3. So what are we left with . The real issue which is YOU. You openly admit that you are in
depression , that you have anxiety , that you have VERY poor self esteem , that your feelings are hurt very easily , and that you have always expected yourself to change.

4. Reading between the lines it appears you are expressing that your not happy , you have a lot of personal issues going on right now and that you need some kind of help.
If I'm right I hope you go and get the help or support that you need for yourself. Then worry about the car parts. I'm not trying to be funny here, I'm serious.

I know what's it's like to feel the way you do. I'm not a professional so I can't make a diagnosis but your symptoms sound very familiar to a certain condition I know much about.

Best to you,
CB

You are pretty good at figuring things out. There are some things I have put up with over the years that most women probably would not such as things where they don't belong, and projects never getting done. I do have some valid complaints that I have felt were not taken seriously because I'm not much of a fighter, and he has the stronger personality.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life. I also have a very poor opinion of myself stemming from things in my childhood that I've never gotten over, but I'm working on the real issues now with a counselor that I trust.

As much as I hate the idea for various reasons, I have started taking an antidepressant again. I had so hoped not to need it anymore, but that doesn't seem to be the case. So hopefully I am getting the help that I need to finally be a happier person.

I truly appreciate you trying to help.

Well for me inappropriate things left around my house just would weigh heavily on me. I may not be a clean freak but I keep my house tidy enough should anyone drop by.

By the way, if hubby thinks car parts around the house are appropriate, what is his reaction when you visit other homes?

I think those of us with mental health issues hold more importance of a sense of home than other people do. It is our saftey net, our sense of refuge. You are unable to think of your home as such.

While yes it his responsibility to move these objects, he obviously won't do it. Are you then able to move them yourself.

Someone above recommended you set aside a place in the house where he can store these things. I realise it is still will be a bone of contention but it seems like a valid compromise. Of course you could always leave tampons around the house, haha.

But seriously.

The matter of blame, shame, and lack of support. You've said he won't go to counseling but is he willing to go to one of your own sessions with your psychiatrist or therapist?

Have a conversation with him about expectations. What are his expectations of you and let him know yours. Is there a middle ground?

So he is passive aggressive? Or immature? Or angry? Move your things?
Just for revenge?

You are saying he is a great husband. You started this thread telling us you are being blamed for things and are tired. Later you stated he is a wonderful husband and things are great. I am glad you have a wonderful husband but it sounds You might be afraid of him or think you deserve bad treatment.

I guess we All
Have different level of tolerance. I am not depressed but i would be if I came home to car parts in the living room. I would tolerate few days the most before I'd lose it. I really don't know what to advise so I wish you the best

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Could you compromise by having a room where his stuff can't be in/isn't cluttered?

It sounds like he is an emotional hoarder and that is how he deals with his emotions. Not sure what to do about that. I'm kind of the same.

He has never had a lot of expectations of me. He has stated over and over again that he has always been happy with me. It is me that has such a hard time believing that he could really be happy with me. I just always think of all the arguments we've had, and all the times I worried about our relationship. He doesn't worry at all about it. He never questions whether or not things are okay between us.

I've always been the one who has been upset over his priorities being different than mine with things like the house. I also worry a lot about his health. He doesn't worry about mine, since he knows he can't control it.

As far as what he thinks of other people's houses? He couldn't care less about anybody else's house. He does not do anything in life because somebody else does it. He figures is somebody doesn't like the way his house is, then they don't have to come over.

There really isn't anywhere else left to store anything.