So worried about my future

There is a problem right there. By hiding who you are you become emotionally unavailable. By being emotionally unavailable, you attract people who aren't available for you either. That's a cycle you need to break. Don't be afraid to be who you are. The problem isn't how to hold on to these people who are not even good.

Problem is to learn how to be authentic self and how to attract right people and how to not settle for the ones who aren't good or are just "good enough". Problem is that you spend years of your life on liars and cheaters and the goal is not to go past maybe the most 3 dates with such men

My therapist said that growth starts with awareness. That should be your goal IMHO

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Of course I want that, but I just feel that after the rejection I have faced that it is a reflection on me and I'm the one with the problem, not these guys. Some have gone on to find relationships and marriage, so I feel it must be me. It's left me with virtually no confidence and that's where my problems stem from.

I've seen my GP to deal with my depression for several years. He is great and I've been through the NHS system and had counselling in the past. I am also on anti depressants. I've also seen therapists privately, but I can't seem to find one that truly understands me.

I'm trying and I have now joined a gym and looking for another therapist. I also have two jobs, so that keeps me busy.

Of course not, I would love to find a decent and loving man, but I don't feel I'm worthy of that and that's why I settle for what others would perhaps not.




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Read the book
Why men like *****es (and they do)
Might help.

Helped me. I had no idea how to be a *****.
I do now 😊

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Yeah thank you, I have got that book, not read it yet and perhaps I will. I am too nice. I need to get the book Hazn suggested too about attachment theory

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Only_Human,

I got married in 1995. I was 45, my wife 50. We'd met three and a half years earlier and the first time I saw her, I was totally captivated. This woman whom I thought was 'the one' turned out to be more emotionally damaged and dysfunctional than me. I was naive; a fool in love, blind to her alcohol addiction and confused by her split personality; one minute loving and sweet, then her rage, anger and intense insecurity.

My bipolar illness has worsened over the past 10 years, we've been in and out of therapy and I haven't had the desire to be intimate with her in 6 years. There's a difference between being alone and lonely. For me, being alone would be wonderful. My wife told me she married because she didn't want to be alone. That's NOT a reason to get married.

You sound like a wonderful woman. Enjoy your life. Please. Don't spend your time obsessing about why you're not married, yet. Travel, have romantic flings(lots of them), seek out new adventures and things that interest you. There are women who wouldn't want anything to do with marriage or even living with a man and they have full, rich lives.

The obstacle isn't the inability to find a mate; it's the way you're viewing life. "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in the stars, but in ourselves." We can be our best friend or worst enemy.

I think the fault is in you only in a sense that you aren't going for the right people not that you yourself are to blame. If the man is a liar and a cheater then clearly you didn't cause that and he not picking you is actually a blessing!

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You don't need to be a .... to be happy or find a good man. I personally would never want to become .....

Men who like.... not the kind of men o want to be with

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Thank you. I guess I'm coming across wrong or not wording it properly. It's not that I want marriage, children etc because it's the idea of it. I just want to find love and be able to share things with that special someone. Be able travel the world and share it with someone, go on romantic holidays, experience nice restaurants, kiss them, hold them and make love , laugh and joke with that person and cry with that person. It's not the idea of just having SOMEONE it's the hope that I'll find my best friend. I understand that there are lots of women out there living rich fulfilling lives without a man, but I just always hoped I would find love one day.

I probably sound like I just want someone for the sake of it, but that's really not it. I just wish I could explain myself better. I feel so lonely and I'm tired of going away and seeing couples cuddling and in love, it makes my heart sink because I wonder what is so wrong with me

In sorry if I'm not coming across well and I don't mean to be defensive. I know people mean well I just think I'm misunderstood sometimes.

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It's not about being a '*****' really it's about respect. Expecting respect and not being a doormat.

But *****es do get men easy. They play them. Just like so many women are attracted to a bad boy.

My niece is I suppose what you would call a 'femme fatale'
She is attractive, flirty and can mesmerise men.
She is classical NPD, dramatic demanding, materialistic, gregarious, manipulating and utterly charming when she wants something.

Her now husband who seems a regular kinda guy is besotted with her. He would never tolerate a word said against her yet she is draining him dry.
She abandoned two young children.
The daughter who does live with her suffer from low self esteem and depression. And yet describes her mother as 'amazing' and 'wonderful'

Annoying that men cannot see beyond a pretty face.
But then narcs/psychopath can have a magnetism about them.

Oh.
It's all SOOO unfair.

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I used to kind of think this way until I started therapy and my t convinced me its all wrong. She was right. Same as emotionally healthy men do not want b... Healthy women don't want bad boys. I do not want to play anybody and I don't. I am happy as is. You can demand respect and not be a b....no need to play games

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[QUOTE=Only_Human1983;4864228]
If you want all that you might want to start working on it. It will happen when time is right

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[QUOTE=divine1966;4864468]
How do you mean? I need to work on myself you mean? I know I need to be more chilled out and see a therapist. I am working on that. I just feel really lonely in how I'm feeling and that nobody understands. I cried so much last night and yet the next day I have to carry on like everything is fine, because nobody wants to be around a depressed 'woe is me' person as Chippermonkey pointed out

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Read the book it will give few hints.
Being clingy or appearing desparate (even if you are) in any way is a turn off.

Have you tried Internet dating?

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Yeah I got the book (as well a few others) to give me a bit of advice really and of course I wouldn't wonder round like a complete b**** but I would take it with a pinch of salt, which I think is the intention. I'm too nice to turn into a complete b**** anyway, but I think I definitely need to respect myself more and not put up with certain things. For instance, I shouldn't have taken my ex narc back the FIRST time, but he was very good at the wooing stuff and told me how much he wanted to marry me, have children with me etc. I thought 'well everyone deserves a second chance' and I think deep down a part of me was scared that nobody else would want me, so I settled - not the right attitude I know. However, hindsight is a great thing.

I have internet dated quite a bit and it's how I met my ex, but they seem attracted to me and we have a few dates and then for whatever reason they give me the old 'it's not you, it's me' cobblers. I think most of them have been just in it for fun.

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Again, posting only to try and be helpful - but I'm going to be blunt because I want to be clear, not because I want to be mean.

This, yes. Look, you about had a meltdown over this last night. You posted a reply to me at 9:16pm psych central time - and then another post at 9:20pm, and then another post at 9:27pm... you weren't responding to anyone you were just reiterating how lonely you felt, how you didn't have what you wanted and asking what was wrong with wanting that.

I get it - this is super important to you and you are floundering in the sea of life trying to figure out how to get out of this trap that you are in. You keep saying that people aren't understanding you and you know what, maybe you're right - but here's the thing:

Desperate people do desperate things. You say that you're not looking for just 'any guy' but I'm firmly of the opinion that your standards are dropping the more desperate you get. Not because I know you - but because it's human nature. It's like looking for a job when you're unemployed and let's say, right out of college. You start looking, but don't want a job that's beneath you. The longer you go without a job, the less jobs you start thinking of as 'beneath you'. Same way with looking for a relationship partner.

Love looks grand and you want your slice of the pie. I get that. And you know what, true love is grand. But a lot of what passes for love is miserable. So let me ask you a question before I say anything more. What is love to you?

That's a hard question to answer, but I guess my parents is a picture of love to me. It means to find your best friend. Someone to share your highs and lows with. It's a combination of feelings, states and attitudes I guess. It's about that person not being perfect, but you see past their flaws, because you know they have some amazing points. It's trust and honesty.

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I do find that quite hurtful. I was just very upset last night and sorry for posting 3 times in a row. I am certainly not desperate, I'm not even looking for anyone at the moment until I get myself straight. I just worry that this will never be fixed, that I will never be fixed and therefore incapable of true love


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First, in response to your other post, I'm sorry that you found it to be hurtful - truly wasn't my intention and I'm sorry that it happened. I will modify what I say in anything further.

You're right, it is a very hard question to answer. Here's how a very good friend of mine answers that question. Love is when the object of your deepest affection comes to you and tells you that she has fallen in love with your best friend and you are happy for her because she has found more happiness than she had with you.

He points out that true love is rare. He goes on to point out that anything less is varying degrees of selfishness and comes with all the pain and anguish that selfishness brings.

Me, I more or less agree with him. If my wife left me for someone else that increased her happiness, I would be very sad for me, but very happy for her. I also believe that the more we work on our capacity to love others, the more others are drawn to us. Love is palatable, and it draws people to it.

Stop apologizing first of all.
We all understand.

Everyone (including people here) go through periods of stress on top of their own mental illnesses. During that time, we do what we can to get through it. Including posting here, talking to family and friends or screaming into a pillow.

I know you can get through this. I know you don't think having a man is the be all and end all. Everyone is capable of love.

I cannot guarantee a fairy tale ending but I do know that it can happen. And everything you do to improve your value of yourself will only improve everything in your life.

I don't mean to sound like a pollyanna here, I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

Only_human
If you meet someone never give too much too soon. If you know what I mean.

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I do see where you are coming from and I get that true love to you is completely selfless and I agree with that mostly. However, what about if she also told you that she had been having an affair behind your back with your best friend, lied to you and verbally abused you. Does that person deserve your love and wish for them to be happy if they do that to you??

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Thank you, I read that with tears streaming down my face as it made me cry.

I just don't know to think or feel right now. I just know I'm lonely and a bit of mess.

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My wife is a flawed person, insomuch as everyone is flawed, who loves me. As a result, she would never try to hurt me. Therefore, if she did have an affair behind my back, something would be terribly wrong with her. Frankly, I'd want to help.

To make this extremely personal, my wife is a recovering drug addict. She relapsed a couple of years back. She fought the urge without telling me what she was going through because of shame and because she thought she could beat it by herself. She lost that fight and used drugs again without telling me. And then again. And again. Then money began disappearing. Two weeks into her relapse, she told me. So, she went behind my back, she lied to me about where the money had gone and in a very real way, risked our lives. She's the type of addict that can go from one hit to death very quickly and to make matters worse, is on parole and a parole violation could very well mean being sent back to prison for life.

She did not use drugs at me. She used drugs as a desperate attempt to make undeniable and unrelenting pain go away. She didn't stop loving me. I'd come to the same conclusion if she had an affair behind my back and lied about it. Incidentally, she is clean and sober again now - two years. But if she hadn't gotten clean again, well - she'd be dead by now, but it wouldn't change my love for her.

Sorry, when I was talking about the affair etc I was referring to what your friend said about saying their partner had gone off with their best friend, I wasn't referring to you and your wife.

You sound like a dream man and very supportive to your wife which is hard to come by. It's wonderful that you have both been there for each other.

I've struggled to find someone having depression as I think come the finish its hard to hide and I think my ex narc thought I was too much like hard work. I think this is all why I fear ending up alone and lonely because I know I have major flaws and even people on here get frustrated with me and I'm defensive and sensitive. The list goes on and I just hate myself

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I don't always say the right thing, but I risk that to try and be supportive cause I don't hate you and I think you're worth it.