What do you do when you find out your "friends" hate you?

I have started hanging out with a group of coworkers. Basically one of them who was my friend from before started inviting me and including me in their activities. I would still usually feel like they are just including me to be nice and not because they really like me, but I just went with it. Well now I am starting to realize that this one girl who is part of the group is starting to display some hostility towards me. It's weird, because she will be nice to me sometimes, but when they are chatting together at work and I go over and say something, she will often look at me with this annoyed look and say "what?" I have also noticed that she will often talk to everyone and ignore me. I have been nothing but nice to her, so my guess is that her reason for disliking me is thinking I am dumb or finding my personality annoying. It sucks, because I actually like her and have recently become kind of infatuated with her. And pretty much everyone at work likes her too.

So what is the best thing to do in this sort of situation? I feel really humiliated when I try to be friendly and she treats me like that. But at the same time, I don't want to go back to being a loner and avoiding the work social scene. And if I confront her about what she's doing, I feel like it can only end badly for me, since she is more well-liked than me and it is likely others feel the same way towards me as she does but aren't showing it. What do I do?

She doesn't need to hang out with you but no need to be rude. You might want to privately ask her if she is having problems with you and why

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That's a tough question for me to answer. You mention not wanting to give up the 'work social scene', yet it is causing distress. Some managers frown upon too much socialization outside of the workplace and it eventually reflects later on during times of reviews and promotions. I understand the feeling of being a part of a circle of friends, yet work is work and outside the office is outside the office and less can be more.
"What others think of me, is none of my business."-Catherine the Great. She stated that in her memoirs because it was difficult for her as a young woman being brought into Russia from Germany to marry the Czar. She wasn't accepted in all social circles yet she went onto to bring positive social changes, such as in education, to her new country.

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Gut feeling is that she is sensing your infatuation with her & she is not interested in you so wants to make sure she does nothing to encourage those feelings in you & is keeping that distance there for that reason. Women are good at sensing those things even when the person feeling the infatuation doesn't think it obvious.

Personally I think not getting socially involved that way at work is probably the best thing if you can't do it without the infatuation feelings & just keep socialization at an acquaintance level.

Well, I should mention that my guy friend has sort of implied to me that he has a thing for the same girl also. And he interacts with her a lot more. So I would assume she would have picked up on that also, but she is totally cool with him it seems. So I'm gonna guess that's not the issue.

But I have seen these friends talk about how they can't stand other people over all sorts of things, including socially awkward behavior and ditziness. And this girl seems to look really annoyed when I ask a stupid question for example.

Sure I could just not get socially involved at work, but then I'll just go back to being lonely and left out. That doesn't help me at all. From what I can see, getting crushes on people is a part of having a social life. I don't see why I am not allowed to partake in this also.

Well if people are nasty I'd rather not socialize with them.

I wonder what type of job is it that people have that much time, I have friends at work with whom I spend time outside of work but at work I just don't have the time.

Have you started working with your therapist on improving social skills?

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Part of having a social life then would also be that the person YOU have a crush on isn't interested in you & you have to LEARN how to not be humiliated by it. Like you said, it's all part of having a social life, nothing to be humiliated about. Maybe that girl is more interested in your friend who is showing her interest & just not interested in you & doesn't want you to think that she is. Maybe she's afraid that if she shows more kindness to you that you might take it the wrong way as her having an interest in you rather than just being a nice person & just doesn't want to take that chance of having to deal with that problem. Sadly, that happens in social environments when the girl feels that the guy may not have the social skills to understand the difference.

look for new friends they sound not nice.

I would just say or email something like, "I've sensed some tension lately and wanted to make sure everything is okay between us? Sorry if I did anything to annoy you. If I did, it wasn't intentional."

But I am pretty sure this is not what is going on. It really seems more like she is annoyed by either my social awkwardness or dumb comments, which I usually make because I am socially awkward. She actually tries to be nice to me sometimes it seems, but at other times, particularly when I am inserting myself into their little social gathering, that she starts giving me that attitude.

I have faced this kind of thing all my life. The reason I learned to be socially reclusive is to avoid these humiliating experiences. It seems that even in the company of grown adults(these people are all in their 20s), nothing really changes. People continue to be judgmental and cruel. What I am asking is how I can protect my dignity without backing down from my social ambitions.

Don't try hard to impress her or push her to like you. Workplace is not a good place to find someone you have a crush on. I suggest to be formal in your work place, and try to avoid her directly when with friends outside the work. Put in your mind that I am going out to have fun, and not to impress her, because otherwise, you will be anxious and she will sense that. Your anxiety and social awkwardness come from your thoughts that you like her and need to impress her.

You said that you think all others are annoyed with you? Why do think that?

May be these "little social gathering" is something personal and you are being somehow intrusive? Being nice to you doesn't mean any thing. Some people are friendly with all. You need to pick up more signs.

We have some time to socialize at work, but I also hang out with them outside of work.

I haven't been able to see my therapist in a while now, but that is what we have been working on. However, I sometimes wonder if it's possible for anything to change in that area. I mean, what if I just don't have the brain to function socially, like people with autism spectrum disorders for example? That sort of thing doesn't really change.

Well, I wouldn't say I try hard to impress her and I am not even sure if I would be interested in dating her anyways. However, I am nervous around cute girls in general, not just her. I would like to think girls would be a little more forgiving of that.

If one person is annoyed with me, then it is likely others are too. It seems to be pretty common for people to find me annoying. This is why I tend to back down from forming friendships. Well, here I am putting myself out there and getting the same result. So I don't know where to go from here. I hate being humiliated but I also hate being left out. And that is the problem.

No. The social gatherings I am talking about are just little chats between coworkers. I hang out with them, so it only makes sense that I would go chat with them. If I don't, that would probably come off as weird.

(1)This is an overgeneralization. It is not healthy to think this way. (2)Do you feel that you are being ignored here, too, because you are annoying? Have you had this feeling before in other contexts?

Why do you feel the you have an obligation to engage in these gatherings? I would find it weird if two people are talking like 10 m away, and I go all this distance for example just to engage with them. I am not sure what is the setting in your work place, but I would participate in the chats that happen around me, while it happens I am there and know what it is about from the beginning. I have the feeling that you target the gatherings that happen with this girl, because you seem to mention that she is the only one that gives you "this" look.

Do you have social anxiety?

I have felt like people are annoyed by me in different scenarios as well. Because of this, I usually keep quiet and end up getting overlooked by everyone.

I only engage in the gatherings in situations where it would make sense, like for example they are standing there chatting in the room we work in and I have not yet talked to them that day. I feel like it would be weird if I continue to hang out with them but barely talk to them at work. But for the most part I am actually quiet. And I actually tend to avoid talking to this girl 1-on-1 and tend to only interact with her when we are all together as a group. I have considered the possibility that this could be why she is annoyed with me.

Yes I have social anxiety, especially around girls.

Oddly enough...

So, um, in a roundabout sort of way, do you ever sense that too much credence is given to others and power over your sense of feeling of self worth is given to those who perhaps down the road don't matter in the grande scheme of things?

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Workplace "friendships" can be especially tricky ... I had a similar scenario going on about a year ago and decided that I was not going to hang out with people that couldn't treat me with the dignity and respect that I, as a human being, deserve!

No confrontation is necessary, because depending on positions and connections, that can go horribly wrong in so many ways ... Instead you can start hanging out less and less by simply stating thank you, I've already got other plans, and leave it at that.

Sometimes we so desperately want to belong that we'll sell ourselves out for a little companionship, but as we get healthier we no longer feel comfortable doing this to ourselves and that's a good thing, because we deserve to be treated better than that!



Love Yourself More!

Usually when someone has a crush on someone they act different around them even if it's subconscious. Best in the work place to control those emotions I keep them out of the work place especially if you desire to fit in. Got news....women can sense that sort of stuff even if you think they can't.....& they do put up blocks....they can be nice when they feel it's safe but when they sense that feeling they don't want to encourage the walls go up....I'm sure women aren't that different today than they were in mine when reacting to those senses.

If you really want to fit in....just be you & leave crush stuff out of the work place.

It does take time to observe the dynamics we work around to learn how to fit in....observing & analyzing is a good way to learn

If people have crush on me at work ( and that happened before) I tend to avoid them as its not appropriate. Stay away from her. Find different friends. Why can't you see your therapist? You do need to work with someone who sees you in real life. We are making suggestions but we don't know how you act in real life

Well, other than hiding my feelings and trying to act natural, I don't know what else I can do. I can't help the way I feel about someone on the inside. It will probably go away eventually.

However, can a girl really differentiate between a guy who has a crush on her and a guy who is just shy around girls in general? I feel like I act just as awkwardly around other cute girls as I do around her. Will all those girls assume I have a crush on them and start avoiding me?

I am still not sold on the idea that my feelings for her are the issue. We have known each other for almost a year now. I had a bit of a crush on her when we first met, and she was extremely friendly with me, to the point where I think it's likely she had a thing for me. She would scoot her chair really close to me and ask what I'm up to while giving me a wide eyed interested look and a smile. Then over time she started to become less friendly and I sort of lost interest in her. Then we started hanging out recently, and I guess something happened during one of the hangouts that triggered my feelings.

Staying away from her wouldn't really be convenient for me. There is no other group of friends, this is the group that I work with and that my one friend there is part of. I would go back to being a loner and I don't want that. The policy of removing myself from groups when someone has a problem with me is what I've done in the past, and because of that I ended up isolated and only hanging out with one socially awkward male friend who has no connections to anybody else.

My therapist has a schedule that only allows me to see her on her my lunch breaks, which has become inconvenient lately. I personally think it's ridiculous that a therapist works 10 to 5. Are they working under the assumption that nobody in need of treatment would have a full time job?

Another thing I should mention, her behavior is somewhat inconsistent so it's hard for me to even say with certainty how she feels about me. For example, last week she and a couple of the others were going out to lunch on break and she called me to invite me to come with them. And a couple times she asked me to come walk with her to the break room to get coffee in the mornings. There was also one time recently where she came over to my desk to just chat for a few minutes. She also responds to my texts in our group chat. All this would suggest she wants to be friends, but at the same time she has shown unmistakable signs of being annoyed with me. It is hard to say what is going on exactly.

I can relate to this and the work environment. To be honest I find the group of women I work with to be pretty competitive and like to bully. My friend who used to have my job has warned me about this group of women saying "they've all been there a lot longer and will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat". A girl that works there also told me that many women quit because of the anxiety and gossip. However this one girl picks on me because my bf's mom (who I don't get along with) is her friend and when I started there she would msg this girl on fb and just bash me. So now this girl has this awful perspective of me that is all wrong. I've tried to do all I can to befriend her. Even writing her a letter about her hostility towards me and letting her know I'm not there to make enemies and I just want to get along. And guess who's idea the letter was? My bf's moms. She throws me under the bus and acts like she cares once she's ruined me. On a thread I think on this site, a man compared it to prisons. In a mans prison, they show hostility by fighting. In a women's, they do it with gossip. That's just women's nature I've come to find. But in your case, maybe this woman is jealous that everyone else likes you and perhaps she's worried they'll like you more than her? I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. Just don't think bad about your own personality or think you're annoying or dumb. I'm sure you're probably a really great person and this girl is threatened. And if she gives you a hard time just walk away or simply ask her what's wrong. She probably doesn't even have an answer! Good luck and don't blame yourself! It's the nature of a job surrounded by hormones and unfortunately it's pretty common.

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