Terrifying loneliness in my marriage :'(

My husband and I are soul mates. We shared an instant connection, instant knowledge about one another and from that first moment we both wanted to spend our lives together. We've always had such an astoundingly good relationship and have always communicated extremely well. Our relationship was never perfect but close enough that it was ideal to the extreme.

Now we're married and shortly after we moved in I caught him in a lie, nothing real extreme but it was enough to hurt and disappoint me. Due to this we experienced a sudden "blow up" and ever since then our relationship has not been the same. He very suddenly and inexplicably stopped touching me, he stopped talking to me unless prompted and he stopped being outgoing altogether in our life together and became very withdrawn and unmotivated. He started wanting constant distractions and very little to no interaction. I started having insecurities and hold doubts about him, which is entirely unlike me and understandably so this caused me to react to him. I fear he doesn't want me, that he may not love me or feel the same way anymore, that he harbors anger toward me, that he's given up or most of all that he doesn't try or care enough. Now I feel extreme neediness with him and I don't know how to cope with these constant fears about our marriage.

His problem is the mistake he made has got him struggling with feelings of unworthiness which is something he's wrestled with all his life, not to mention the trauma from his childhood that made him have too high of expectations and think that everything is on his shoulders, that he couldn't share his burdens with others.

We have talked all this over many times and I help him all I can. I'm an extremely social person with the intense need for mental stimulation, interaction and most of all intimacy so this has posed quite the problem for me. Some days I have grown weak and threatened to leave in my loneliness and desperation for change. I struggle with not being in control because the ball has been in his court for a very long time now and without my help, for the most part, he avoids his problems, but I need him to take care of himself, to do his part in our marriage and to open up with me more.

I realize I could go on all night giving the details of this problem, but to put it simply my husband is not meeting his needs and therefore cannot meet mine and I don't know what to do. I welcome any and all suggestions and advice this community is willing to give.

No advice. Just commiseration. I'm on here tonight, because my once solid marriage is rocky too and I don't know what to do either.

Patience and communication are critical, but I know for me anyway, I'm losing heart. My marital issues have been building for almost a year and a half, so I'm fighting that sickening feeling of just giving up. Problem is, there's no one else for me but him, but I don't knoe how to fix things once they get so broken down.

It is frustrating. That I know. How do you reopen lines of communication once they've been cut so badly? I have no idea. I'm sorry.

Even still, keep holding on to hope. Hugs.

I'm sorry to hear you're enduring the same troubles . As long as you keep striving to better your relationship (and both are trying) things will improve little by little - that's how things are going for us and I'm happy for the improvements it's just slow moving and hard to have patience sometimes.

Openness is key, tell him this that you'd like to repair communication and grow closer again goodluck to both of us!

If your husband were to post here, what would he say about the situation?

Is his struggle because you caught him lying, and that triggered in him old thoughts of unworthiness? and for how long has this been happening? If it is about this not so extreme "lie" only, may be it can undone, I don't know, but if you talked about this, then may be he needs to see a therapist. Also, you can make him feel worthy not just by words but by other means, too. Like praising him and his actions or job in front of others or something. Just a thought.

"His problem is the mistake he made has got him struggling with feelings of unworthiness which is something he's wrestled with all his life, not to mention the trauma from his childhood that made him have too high of expectations and think that everything is on his shoulders, that he couldn't share his burdens with others."

Been there. Done that.

Check out CEN, Childhood Emotional Neglect, from the author of Running on Empty, Dr. Jonice Webb.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...tional-neglect
About Emotional Neglect | Dr. Jonice Webb

Take a look at her questionnaire. On pages 2 and 3 she provides a list of questions and behaviors that you can adopt of the parent of a child exhibiting CEN behavior.

Because of the way you described the situation, I suspect he is exhibiting CEN behavior and he needs the parent in you to step up and help him through the crisis. He doesn't know how to talk about it like you. He doesn't know how to ask for help. He just feels bad inside and for that reason he withdraws. If you help him get past this, he will go back to the loving and caring man you married.

If this works you can thank me later.

If this doesn't work, go to counseling. Not for him but for you. A counselor can help you develop coping skills so you are not so emotionally dependent on him.

Just a question. Do you both work. Have fulfilling jobs.
Maybe at lunchtime you could go to his work and give him a boquet of flowers and two tickets to a sporting event you enjoy.
There are free support meetings thru NAMI.
Just make sure he doesn't pull you down into a bad depression. He does sound very emotionally sick.
Take care of yourself first.

The only way I can put it is that him entering into his new role as husband, with his fears of not being good enough, he had a break down as soon as he knew that he'd disappointed me. All the feelings of unworthiness were validated for him after this incident. He is in therapy he's just not getting enough care from his therapist. I do my absolute best at every single opportunity to help him feel valued and appreciated.

Mf, as soon as I read the words "childhood emotional neglect" I just couldn't believe you could hit it right on the nose that accurately! Well, he was neglected at a young age. Most days it was his sister that would care for him when she got off of work (she still claims to this day to have raised him) and as soon as something stressful was going on in the family he felt like he was in the way, that he had to make himself quiet. At that point nobody was left out - he stopped making friends and stopped wanting relationships with people altogether. Thank you for the link I will look into that. I giggled when you said "you can thank me later" ;D. Thank you, your suggestions make sense I'm just struggling to cope with this and I experience so much guilt for worrying more about my own needs when his are obviously much greater. I have been playing that parental role in his life for a while now, though I fear due to my own problems that I'm not doing a good enough job to help him through this but I do what I can and ultimately I know that's what counts. How do I help him through this? Is this about reassuring him and making him feel appreciated, safe and loved? Or is this about something else I'm not getting? A balance of different things?

We are both in therapy and see a marriage counselor together and I've been striving to do more to make myself happy to be less dependent of him but I fear it's getting nowhere. It doesn't help that with this incident I had a kind of inner breakdown as well that brought back old feelings of being to blame for things that happen to me, of not being good enough, of being abandoned. I too have things inside that need to be addressed and I've been working on that it's just so difficult. This has all been so hard on the both of us.

I am going to school but he works. He just doesn't have a stable job - his hours are so unpredictable. He may go weeks without really working and then other times he'll be working too much. I love your lunch idea I just don't know how practical that is for us right now and neither of us like sporting events. What's NAMI? I try not to allow what he's struggling with to affect me but that's much easier said than done, to say the least.

Thank you all so much! Your support is helpful!

Are you sure it's him feeling unworthy etc? Could be he simply is unhappy and doesn't want to be married? Did you ask?

My ex husband ( long ago) acted like this. Didn't want to be married, wasn't happy but had no guts to leave. So I left. No way I'd stay too long in this.

Have a serious talk and if he refuses to improve then you know what to do. The way he acts he doesn't seem to be a soul mate. If you have kids it would be tough but you don't want kids to look at bad marriage and replicate it. No touching and no talking.... Sorry you have to live like this

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Communication and being honest is key in any relationship I believe. How long has the relationship been like this? Will it ever even change or is this who he is? He can try to change with therapy ect but at the end of the day, maybe this is who he is? If nothing is going to change then is he really your soulmate?



I don't get msgs unless the other person using tapatalk app!

My husband has a terrorizing fear that I'll leave him, has ever since we met but that's due to his childhood trauma of being abandoned by his family. I can understand why everyone always questions this whenever I tell people that he's my soul mate because they don't understand. Nobody will understand unless they've met that person. You can never know what it's like to know a human being before you met them, to know what they're thinking and vica versa, to be on the same wave length all the time and to think of or want the same things at exactly the same moment, or to hear exactly what you need to hear from that person as if the universe were speaking through them, to know without a doubt when somethings wrong with the other, to see through their facades and know exactly when they're being genuine or to recieve a hug or a passionate kiss as soon as you needed it - not unless you've lived it. No relationship will be without it's struggles, even one with your soul mate. Remember in my first post I said it was never perfect but close enough!

I too have wondered and have asked him if this is not who he really is but the truth is he was far more interactive and responsive for all the years we spent together before this happened. Plus what kind of person would I be if I doubted him when I too have changed my behavior toward him? Both our past conditioning came up in this time - is this who I am? Yes, but never with him. It was always with other people that I was like this and the same is true about him - he has always been more himself with me than with anyone, far more alive and whole than he ever felt. We all have these dark parts of ourselves lingering deep inside that we don't want to accept, we don't want to believe they make up any part of who we are. He lives in his fear right now and due to this I live in mine. I'm not proud of it but it IS allowing me to address long standing problems and the situation is also allowing him to do the same. I guess you could say we're both going through a kind of identity crisis at the same time. My problem here is learning to cope.

Let me make one other thing clear. When I said "he stopped touching me" what I was really saying is that he appeared to lack all desire for sex and no longer initiated it. He never rejects me, it just hurts me a lot when I feel like he doesn't want me and to fear that we may have lost that intense mutual physical intimacy we once shared. He is still very affectionate and saying he makes me feel loved is an understatement. Also, I didn't say there was no talking just none unless prompted - then again, only the most quiet of individuals would find security in that. To be clear, we have very good communication. We talk about everything that comes up and both very open with one another. Obviously, that isn't to say he doesn't have his communication problems but to be fair for someone with his issues it's impressive how very expressive and self aware he is and he always does his best to better himself.

I realize you can only go by what I write about him and our marriage, but just don't judge. There's only so much I can say without dragging it on and on to the point where I'm going to bore you guys or scare away anyone who might want to respond, but I tried to give you a clear and accurate picture of what's going on yet even then everyone is going to bring in their preconceived notions. Either way, I'm happy to still have your attention and continued support

Oh I understand the concept of soul mate. I never believed in it either until I actually met my now fiancée. I just had hard time relating the concept to how you described your husband. If he reads your mind and knows exactly what you need yet refuses to give it, I have hard time calling him your soul mate.

But then again maybe I misread your post about feeling lonely and having struggles in your marriage including him stopping interacting and touching you. In your last post it appears that you two have good communication, he is very affectionate and he makes you feel loved, he is very expressive and overall things are pretty good. Perhaps I read original post in a rush. I am glad if he really is your soul mate and things are good! I wish you the best!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

NAMI because it's free. Meets once per week in most cities. You'd have a chance to air all of this in a safe place where others have situations that are depressing.

Have you considered therapy?

She said they are both in therapy separate and together

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

saying he refuses to give me what I need is really harsh. He wants to and he tries, but it's currently a challenge for him. He struggles to fulfill his own needs too which understandably is why he struggles to fulfill mine.

I think I'm realizing that what I really made this post for is to gain some insight into why I am so dependant in my relationships? Why do I feel so terrified and flighty over a few things he cant provide when he does so much more for me aside from that? Why has this experience caused me to doubt myself and the love of my life? Why do I feel like I need someone else to make me happy? Why am I having such a hard time with these current changes? Why can't I accept them and try to help him through his hard time? Why do I expect things to always go my way? Why do I expect myself (and especially him) to be perfect? I'd like to hear some of your experiences if anyone can relate.

I find that it's better to try to change rather than to find out the "why's" of my own personality.
At least I can yield results that way.

Are you over-analyzing yourself?

(Just a thought...)

I don't think you should blame yourself here. I think what you feel living the way you described is perfectly normal reaction. What you described here isn't something one needs to accept and be ok with.

I don't think things need to be perfect or go your way but they should be satisfying. And they aren't. It certainly isn't your fault.

The reason you are so dependent on it might be because you are not satisfied. Whenever I felt I was not satisfied I felt overly attached. When you are satisfied then you feel content.

This relationship doesn't bring you satisfaction and it is expected from what you described. So you feel insecure and who wouldn't. It is unsettling. What does your t say?

I am concerned you are blaming yourself. Your husband lied about something , he got caught, he is not treating you right anymore but you feel you are the one who needs to make changes. Rather than him. How long you've been married? When did this change occur?

If you two were married for many years and now this happens and sure you need to work through and try to fix it. But if you just got married shouldn't this be a honeymoon happy time?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Who are you to pass judgement on someone's marriage. I didn't come here for that I need support not further negativity and no one else would take kindly to it either. I'm beginning to think I'm not meant to have support in my life right now because this really isn't helping me and everywhere else I turn and try to build a support system it never works out. I feel like I'm giving up on trying to be understood and loved except by my immediate family and let me tell you it's terrible living life feeling this lonely

...and we end up saying something to make you upset. Look no one meant disrespect here. They were just giving their opinion. We obviously don't know exactly how your relationship is so don't take it to heart. I made a post about my bf and I once and nearly everyone called him a a-hole but I know that they don't know EXACTLY how we are. So you move on. But that's a risk you take when you ask a bunch of strangers to put their 2cents in about your relationship.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't think anyone is trying to pass judgment on your marriage. Your situation is just a bit confusing. From my perspective, it seems as if you are describing two completely different marriages. On the one hand, you seem to have a great relationship with your husband. You communicate, you're both in therapy, and he makes you feel loved. But on the other hand, you say you're lonely in your marriage. Personally, I'm having a little bit of trouble making these two images mesh into one marriage. I'm also having trouble understanding exactly what it is you're looking for in terms of support. You don't come across as overly dependent to me. I also never got the impression that you are expecting perfection from either yourself or husband. You seem very aware of the situation and are taking the right steps to make the situation better. Maybe you could explain what "support" means to you and what it looks like.

I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. I really do think people just want to help.

I'd like to know how long you knew him before the two of you got married.

I don't do "soul mates" and all that---every time I've heard someone describe their spouse as a soul mate it goes on to outline some huge issue in the marriage. Soul mates are for romance novels.

Honey we can only go by what you say. Of course we don't know everything and only know what you post. You posted about unhappy lonely marriage. From what you described you deserve better than what your husband gives you.

No way we can tell you that your marriage sounds awesome if you didn't describe it like that.

But of course we can't know everything. And as other poster stated it is confusing because on one hand you say you are soul mates and things are awesome and on the other hand it sounds like a sad and lonely marriage and it's not how marriage should be especially if it is recent and you are soul mates .

And you always take a risk posting on forums. People can only go by your words and can't know the whole story. I wish you the best in whatever you decide re your marriage.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think I have a good idea of what you may be going through, PM me if you'd like to talk further....

Thank you all so much for continuing to be so understanding. You have no idea what that means to me. I agree wholeheartedly with you guys and appreciate all your input even if I briefly jumped down your throat Divine, what I should have really said was that we were together long enough beforehand to know that it's not the marriage that's the issue. Since all of you seem to wonder so frequently I will say that we knew each other for 7 years and had a very clear relationship before we got married, but none of that really mattered because like I also said I knew him as soon as I laid eyes on him. I knew him like the back of my hand. I knew things I couldn't possibly have known which later turned out to be true. We both felt an extreme sense of familiarity with one another and knew we were what each one of us had been waiting for all along. I don't care how many romance novels you read - it DOES happen and I never thought it would happen to me until it did. The point is, my husband is having extreme problems with confidence right now, with major depression and feeling worthy and I am looking for ways to cope. It is a lot like that Roman. I dont know what else to say to explain it. Lately - since this problem arose - our relationship seems to shift between two extremes. I struggle with feelings of guilt sometimes because I can't cope with the situation better and because I see how much my pain hurts him and I just wish I could put an end to all of it. . . however unrealistic that sounds.

Molinit, I shared with everybody in my post that we're soul mates to paint a picture that one can never judge just how much we mean to each other. Whether or not we are soul mates is not up for debate and I am not here to prove or disprove your ideas and I don't wish to argue with anyone especially when it doesn't concern the issue at hand so I'd appreciate it if you didn't have any advice to give that you would please leave me in peace. I guess I gave you all you needed to hear anyway *shrug*