Husband refuses to communicate with me....

OK, not always, but he tends to keep a lot of things from me. Especially when it comes to the house, bills, and stuff like that. We've been married for over 20 years and he has always been stubborn and controlling.

He tells me that I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with the stuff that he does. I don't work, so I guess he feels that he doesn't need to tell me anything because of that.

Right now my stress level is though the roof since he has not told me what is going on with a possible foreclosure. I only know that he refinanced the house or something like that, and we owe $400,000. And a realtor is helping him with some kind of payment plan. Last night he yelled at me told me that he didn't want to talk about this since it was late and he was tired.

I'm very upset by all of this. How can I get him to open up and stop being so damn secretive? What would cause a person to not want to tell their spouse anything unless they absolutely have to?

Dear Shy, I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don't. I feel for you though. I have one of those, horrible communicators. He also is stubborn and controlling and for years I let him get away with it because I thought I was being too sensitive, i hated confrontation. I finally believe I deserve better from him Therapy for me is helping but I have pleaded with him to try marriage counseling or his own individual therapy. Would your husband be open to couples therapy? good luck hun!

I don't want to sound harsh but I wouldn't stay with him if he is dishonest like this. You might have house foreclosed and he wouldn't tell you. It is scary. Get a job and start saving for a back up plan.

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Ignoring details and personal feelings, if you are in a relation that is bad for you, you need to be able to walk away from it.

And if he is unwilling to communicate, you can tell him straight up that you aren't interested in spending your life with someone who cannot communicate. You only have one life.

If you are not willing to walk away when it is necessary, you have no leverage and no influence on the nature of the relationship.

Imo, you should tell your partner at the first moment you are dissatisfied that you are so she/he can change/adjust.
Some people stay in dissatisfied relationships. Others leave a dissatisfied relationships before helping their partner to do the right thing to improve the relationship.

That this has gone on for 20 years is bad. Either he knows and doesn't care. Or you never told him and he will have trouble understanding why suddenly his previously ok behavior is no longer ok. Difficult.

I get the point about not wanting to discuss things after a certain time at night, however.....

Let me tell you the story of 2 widows in my life. One was kept in the dark about the financial side of family preservation, hey they were country club sect and she just didn't need to worry, right?
The other, they still had finances no doubt but her husband didn't want her in the dark if anything happened to him.
One was taken advantage of by family, the other was so far ahead of the game and continues to live comfortably and independent.

Point being, if he loves you he would want to see that you can manage in the event of his absense. That's what providers do.

If something happens to this man and as it looks right now he has no assets and if your name is on everything you'll end up with debt and you don't work. What does he think you are going to do?

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Thanks. Sorry to hear about your stubborn husband. I also felt that I was being a bit to sensitive at times as well. I finally did get him to admit to what's going on last night.

It sounds like we're NOT going to loose the house. The bad news is that not even he knows what's going on as the relator didn't get back to him yet. And what's odd is that he didn't even check to see if this guy is licensed or not! The good news is that he didn't give him any money. He tends to be right about the outcome of most situations as he's very smart, and this isn't his first rodeo.

As for couples therapy, there is no way he'd ever go for any reason. He's very stubborn and he thinks that therapy doesn't work, and that it's a waste of time and money, ugh. It also hasn't worked that well for me in the past, so I'm putting off on seeing one.

Now is not a good time to start seeing one because of money issues. If I can find a free one, I'll go for sure. Still looking. It's NOT easy finding a free therapist where I live, ugh!

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Thanks. He's not exactly dishonest, he's just very secretive. That has to do with his mistrust of me with finances. He doesn't think that I know how to handle money.

He actually did tell me what was going on last night. Just read my above response for details. He normally tells me the truth after awhile. I wish that I kept working years ago, but yeah, you're right, I need to start saving up for sure. And it'd probably get him to respect me more and keep me in the loop if I helped him out with the bills probably.

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I wish that I could just get up and walk away sometimes, but I have nowhere to go. He has changed for the better when it comes to some things. I really had to put my foot down many times before he finally stopped trying to get me to be someone and something I'm not.

For example, I'm introverted, and he always tried to force me to socialize with his friends and family way to much. And the worst part is that none of them really liked me that much to begin with since they're a cliquey bunch.

Anyways, I keep on trying to get him to understand things from my p.o.v, but like you said, he either doesn't care or understand much of what I'm trying to tell him.

He's always been a quiet person who doesn't like to talk about his feelings or much of anything that doesn't interest him. He loves to talk about politics and guy stuff, but not much else. This is who he is, and I'll have to deal with it as I do still care about him enough to stay with him as he has some good qualities to him.

For one, he is reliable most of the time, he can fix things, he doesn't do drugs and he hardly drinks, he has his own business, he doesn't have a criminal record, he's in good health, etc...

All I can say is that relationships are hard and frustrating to deal with at times.

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That's what I worry about constantly! I told him many times that I'll have no clue what to do if anything happens to him. He just tells me to not worry as nothing will happen to him.

I'll have to keep on nagging him unfortunately to tell me what do do if he dies before me. I'll need to know what's in his will, and where the important papers are, and he needs to get life insurance for me as well. I'll make sure that is done after this disaster is over with.

I'll have my dad intervene too as he might listen to him. I don't get why he'd try to keep me in the dark and be so secretive with me. It's almost as if I'm married to someone who's working for the CIA or something like that at times, lol!

It's the right thing to do as far as keeping you in the loop. It's rather typical maturing adult behavior to share the most basic of financial matters. I think even a cia spouse would have some sort of established emergency plan. :\

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He does have assets. He has his own business and some money in the bank. What you said is true. I hope that I'll never have to deal with not knowing what to do if he dies before me.

He thinks that nothing will happen to him as he's very cocky and he thinks that he's healthy and not old enough to worry about anything. Hell, he hasn't even gone to the Drs. since he was 18, and he's 53 now! And he smokes two packs a day!

I'll make SURE that after this disaster is over with, that he'll show me all of the important papers we have as well as what's in my name like the deed, and I'll ask him to draw up a will and get me life insurance. That's a tall order, but I have put my foot down with other things in the past and have ended up getting my way and my own needs met by doing so.

OMG, I just thought of something.....since he threatened to leave me a few times, maybe he doesn't want me to know about his assets so that he can hide them. Ugh! God, this will be even harder than I thought if that's the case!

Is it possible for you to get a stable job right now?

1. Find out the name of this Realtor. Google "their name (Joe Smith), Realtor, your state" and see if stuff comes up that looks like he is a legit Realtor. Your state has a .gov website that shows "Verify a licensee" and you can see if they have a valid, Active real estate license.

You can at least do that without your husband knowing you did it.

As far as your being left out of your finances by him, you need to deal with that. He might not want to tell you because he himself doesn't really understand what's going on and he doesn't want to look stupid. After all, he got you into this financial mess.

You are equally responsible for all the marital debts, for the most part.

If this Realtor is working with you in exchange for a future listing, it means that you are going to have to get out of the house eventually, and he plans to get the listing.

That other post, where that guy told you he used to work with foreclosures, he explained the process of how you have to get out of the house.

2. There are website that give free legal advice. Google "real estate legal advice". Talk to an attorney in your county.

You can do this without your husband knowing.

You are going to have to sign to do anything legal regarding your finances and your home. If your husband puts something in front of you and says "sign"... You shouldn't just blindly do it.

Your husband might have hid all kinds of assets from you. He might be setting this whole thing up to divorce you and leave you with nothing but debt.

I am not insensitive to your feelings, but let me share a different perspective. I'm the husband.

Let me begin by saying that I love my wife with my whole being, and nothing I am about to say takes away from that. She is not perfect but she is perfect for me.

Financially, she is about as responsible as a fifteen year old girl with ADD. If she knows we have $500, she'll buy a $1000 horse we can't feed and finance the rest....oh, and a bunny...and a goat...and they'll need tack and supplements and clothes! So even though we are in serious trouble financially at the moment (I became disabled three years ago and am still awaiting disability) and at one point got to the point of tearing up old clothes for toilet paper - I've taken steps to insure that she's taken care of financially for the rest of her life - even if I die tomorrow.

She doesn't know that and I'm not going to tell her. Because she'd be happy for about a day and a half and then start realizing all the things she could have. Right. Now.

And believe it or not, it pains me to see her do without something that she wants. I hate saying 'no' especially since it's 'our' money. But she can't budget, can't earn enough to take care of herself if she could, and I worry enough about her to make sure she'll always be okay even if she suddenly becomes able to.

A good case in point: When my disability comes in, we have the opportunity to move a couple hundred miles away and bring in $8000/month or stay here and live on $700/month for the rest of our lives in the back of a travel trailer. Guess which one she chooses? So I've suggested moving for six months to a year, saving the extra money and coming back. It's too long; how about a month?

Maybe your situation is different. My real reason for posting was because many people seem to have made the same assumption about your husband that people could make about me. We're not all nefarious control freaks.

I understand your point. If she isn't responsible then you are the one taking care of finances. My sister in law never worked and doesn't understand money so I am pretty sure she isn't involved in major financial decisions at this point in hers and my brothers life. He takes care of that. I was just concerned about op husband due to other things she shared ( abuse etc) so I do worry about him leaving her high and dry and no money

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The wife has the right to know what's going on at least, especially she's not working. She needs to insure herself for any possibility in the future.

When I grew up, my mom's friends all had those traditional marriages where the husband kept the wife in the dark about the money matters.

I saw nearly all of those wives get thrown aside for younger women, and those men got away with keeping money from those wives that they should have been able to split upon divorce. These were long term marriages with children.

It scared me so much, I would never allow a man to keep our money from me.

I'm not saying your husband is definitely pulling something over on you, but you should be a responsible adult and learn to be smarter with your money. You are not a child and you are legally responsible for whatever he is doing.

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I know. He's much to secretive about everything, and it's crazy! It makes me feel like he's hiding something at times!

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Probably not. Getting any decent job now would be almost impossible with my background. I got caught with shoplifting back in 2000, and then in 2011 I think it was, a DUI. First one. Never again.

And I haven' worked since 2000 and have no degree. just a h.s one. And some college education. I have no real skills. I have done customer service work, retail work, receptionist work, and the worst of them all, the food and waitressing industry.

I have applied to Safeway, Target, and a few other places too like Ulta and no one will hire me. No one wants to give you a chance after you have stuff like that on your record. I'll look for a job again soon and hope that someone will give me the benefit of the doubt, but that's not likely to happen anytime soon.

All I can get for now are market research jobs. I'd have to think of a way to earn money by starting my own business with very little cost to me on here maybe in order to make any money, but that still wouldn't be steady income. Any ideas anyone?

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Thanks. That's a great idea. You have a good point there. Oh no, that does not sound good at all! I don't get why my husband is so confident that we won't loose the house then. Maybe he just wants to shut me up and not have me ask him so many questions?

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Thanks for the help. Of course I'll read anything that he asks me to sign! I hope that's not the case, that he is trying to leave me with nothing but debt, ugh! He'll still have a responsibility to pay off whatever debt we both have should that ever be the case though too. Right?

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I can see why you need to control the finances to a certain degree with your wife being the way that she is! That's great that you have already planned how she'll be taken care of when you're gone. My husband does think that I spend to much money at times.

I don't usually, but he seems to think so. I still think that a spouse should at least know what's going on with things like the house and the finances. Even if they're not in control of it. Not doing so indicates a lack of trust and makes it seem like you're trying to hide something. I do get your point though in your case.