Achilles heel?

OK. At least, believing that is the case, I can take it easy on myself and just act like I am MI. I am messed up because I have BPD.

Thank you for your honesty. I know you are not a doctor, but I respect the opinions of everyone on here who knows others with the MI. If it looks like a duck...

My fiancée told me that his ex considered him very bad in bed and on top of it he supposedly had ED and had hard time maintain erection and that overall his ex had major issues with him not being able to satisfy her in bed.

That's what he told me when we started considering becoming intimate. We wanted to make sure we discussed if we have any sex related issues, to avoid future problems. I told him I don't care if he has ED or is bad in bed as long as we are affectionate otherwise I can't care less.

Well he is very very good in bed and he is yet to have one instance of ED or not satisfying me. He was in fact surprised he has no problems with ED and that he in fact can satisfy a woman.

The case is and it is probably one or the only reason: he is comfortable content and not afraid.

he was terrified of his ex), his ex was abusive ( including physical abuse- documented), had several MI diagnosis), was periodically hospitalized, but flat refused to take Meds, as she didn't want to gain weight and refused to go to therapy, he is not a matcho guy but is rather a softy and can be a bit of a door mat which she took advantage of but probably found unattractive, she also wanted him to be matcho rough in bed and demanded things he just couldn't do and has no interest in ( neither do I), plus she did things like phone sex but didn't consider it cheating.

Overall they just weren't compatible outside of her just being a scary person ( she still harasses him even though he pays alimony as he supposed to- she also refused to work her whole life and still doesn't). I honestly think he has PTSD after his marriage. Kids don't even speak to her, she physically assaulted one of them ( after they became adults).
Their sex issue was just tied to other issues.

I believe bad sex or lack of it stems from other issues. I don't believe people have this great relationship but one wouldn't have sex

There is usually more to the story

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Certainly looks like your love language is touch, and since you don't recognize or speak his love language, you translate his actions into him not caring or loving you enough.


If you can learn to speak each others languages, then there is hope for you two yet.

You both can start by actually taking the online quiz, as its very insightful.

I'm lucky enough that my bf and I do speak the same languages (Touch and Quality time) but when he emotionally withdrew from me at one point (long story) I interpreted that much the same as you describe.


After many arguments and finally actually listening to what he was "saying" I learned to recognize he had switched to his secondary language (quality time) and since I learned to appreciate it (which was easy since he had SO little free time at that point) we were able to get to a much better space, communicate more effectively and eventually revert back to our primary love language.

I don't that is a good reason to take it easy. I think that is a reason to work harder to make yourself happy.

I work harder because I am bipolar.

I agree about finding your love languages. Mine is quality time with touch/affection as secondary. It's just one of those books, I don't know how to describe why it sums things up as well as it does. There's even an online quiz.

I don't know about you having bpd. Most with undiagnosed bpd don't walk around wondering if they do, to be honest. Didn't your husband say that about you? Whereever did he pull out that label from?

Unless your husband is a doctor, I don't know why he is diagnosing you.

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Boy I've been through the wringer, I first saw my ob/gyn concerning my relationship problems when I had my first child. Didn't have a primary Dr. Or go to specialist. He just wrote me prescriptions for several different antidepressants, testosterone, anxiety meds. Nothing worked. His office would not even return my call. I went to my mothers and detoxed cold turkey, and gave her a gallon Baggie full of the prescription bottles.

Then as time went on, and the same relationship problem never improved, we went to several psychologists together, and I went separately also to psychiatrists who wrote me more antidepressants, anti anxiety. Still, same problem, incompatibility. Still, no doctor gave me any diagnosis.

Then, around five years ago, my niece who was already diagnosed with ADHD, was diagnosed with BPD. That's when that label first came up.

By this time, I had become so hysterical and so frustrated from repeating the same pattern over the same relationship incompatibility problem, that in addition to crying and over dosing on anything I could get my hands on, I would punch, slap, hit myself. This made me consider that I had BPD.

I'd ask every different therapist I saw if they thought I had it, and they all said 'absolutely not'. It wasn't until going to this last psychiatrist who said that I had traits of it but he didn't want to diagnose me. Meanwhile, husband would say he thought I had it and that it what must be our problem- because he wouldn't say we were just incompatible or that he just couldn't/wouldn't perform in the manner that turned me on.

I was never a stressful, nasty person giving him reason to be so afraid of me. It is him being overly timid, unless he is drunk or I am beaten down. Thus the pattern of what I call Torture Foreplay developed.

Anyway, I have now told everybody I know and everybody who would listen how unhappy and dangerous this marriage is. They all think I am the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Whether or not I have BPD, my husband is the trigger. I need to eliminate the trigger.

Tomatoes are great and everybody loves them. But some people are deathly allergic. They have to stay away from tomatoes.

I have to stay away (at least from the bedroom) from my husband. And if that applies to all men, then so be it.

Some lucky lady will get this prize. They will say that the only thing wrong with him was that I was such a nasty B. I wish them the very best.

He does sound toxic for you. As much as you've pleaded for him to recognize your needs, he refuses to compromise.

Why does it seem that everybody automatically chooses to avoid a trigger instead of deactivating it?

Sure its harder, and some can just not be deactivated, but imo at least trying is more rewarding in the end...


*Smh


Eta, rhetorical question, don't mind me.

What do you mean deactivating? Personally I think that after that many years of suffering I would be gone. I don't have that much patience. But that's me. What do you mean by deactivating? ( besides leaving as I suggested before) I only see two options either leave or put up with this. I have hard time seeing situation would improve all of a sudden

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It's been a week since the Mother's Day incident. He's been sleeping in the other room. I've been telling him I'll have to get up the nerve to get the divorce, but wished he would just get on board with it.

Yesterday, I went away for the day and visited girlfriends.

I came home and he had done things around the house that needed fixing. He never does anything around the house until I am filing for divorce over the sex issue and hysterical! We sleep in separate bedrooms, not fighting or being angry, just hardly speaking.

This morning he slips into my bed waking me and tries to initiate sex. Again, only something he will do after this level of hysteria.

I told him no sex. I will not go through this cycle again. I pointed out how this is his pattern.

He said "Why do I just love you so much?"
I said, "Why are you so scared of me?"
He said "I am scared by the power you have over me because I love you so much."

If you love each other so much then I wish it could be better. Sometimes seems that love isn't enough. My ex loved me so much that he ended up in the hospital after I finally left him. And he is still not over me two years later yet the issue he had and still has never got fixed (alcoholic keeps relapsing and now when I am gone he stopped even trying).

Seems that your husband can't just get it right no matter how much he loves you. I have hope for two of you but it's tough isn't it

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By de-activating I read that as changing our own response to triggers? Along the lines of we cannot change others behaviour, but we can change our own reactions to it.

Tish, you know the situation best of all and what you can cope with, but from what you've written above it does sound like he is trying. I know you say this is a pattern and maybe he will lapse back, but the positive thing is that it really sounds like he wants to make your relationship work.

Could you learn to tolerate nails on a chalk board?

It's not crazy to want to feel but it doesn't mean that your H is capable of being & giving you what you want in exactly the way you want it.

Ugh, by the end of our marriage I had so many demands for change & asked him why he never tried. He actually said he had worked at changing & that he thought he had changed. If he had, the changes were so small that I couldn't have seen them anyway. It wasn't until after I left that I realized why I was also incapable of feeling an emotional attachment. I never knew or felt it from my own parents ( my dad I'm sure was on the autistic spectrum after realizing that my H had been also). I honestly had no idea what love felt like so obviously I had no idea if that was what I was feeling or not....only years later when I started being able to emotionally connect even with friends did I learn that I was capable....but it also showed me that there are some who aren't capable of that connection or at least showing it in an obvious way. Some people have just grown up in such emotionally dysfunctional families that they have no idea how even when someone tells them how, the internal emotional development isn't there to make it happen.

Marriage is complex & sometimes we stay & tolerate for a time because there are reasons. At the end, my H said he never thought I would leave. He said he thought if I stayed for 33 years I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives. Sounded just like a child IMO. I stayed until my escape became possible. Even then I left the door open for him to change...had no idea at the time it was impossible.

Sometimes we tolerate nails on the chalkboard if we have no other possibility or we can find the exit door in the maze....but we seem to always hold the hopes that our actual leaving will jolt them into change. It's sad when it doesn't but it's not always their choice but their in capability to change that can be the cause

I really don't have a decent comment on your situation and I'm sorry for that, Tisha...

I just wanted to sympathize with you. I can understand the feeling that you're screaming at the top of your lungs and people can't hear you, metaphorically speaking, of course.

I have been so darn...hysterical..over things in my life and thought that I couldn't possibly communicate any louder....could I? And then been told "I had no idea..." It makes me think that people don't want to hear me, or I really am not being clear. I still don't know.

I do think that (and men...don't take offense at this please) men don't listen the same way women do....like they wait until things are way past the danger level...

Anyway. It's insanely difficult to predict what the future might be like and it's real easy to question yourself.
Don't forget that it's not such a good idea to self-diagnose yourself. Or label yourself in any way. But that's just my opinion.

Hugs..

I obviously wont presume to speak for men in general, but IME and from direct feedback from the men I know...


They don't know what to do with the hysterics. Some do exactly what you want in that moment, hoping it will stop, but only in that moment. Some of them barely hear it, some even completely shut down and drown it out. So yes, you can scream at the top of your lungs and have it fall on deaf ears.


IME I get the best results when calm and coherent, bonus is, should they manage to listen actively, hysterics then fail to enter the picture completely.



To touch on the "past the danger level" point.... Again IME only,that's usually men who are complacent and have no fear of you walking out. They do absolutely nothing to help the situation unless it looks as if they might lose you. Then once the dust has settled, its back to normal.


Just my 2c

^^^THIS is what my husband is all about!

Ugh, that's terrible.


I'm so sorry hun, no matter what I sad before, I could not be with another man like that, nevermind be married to him.

I agree with this although it is understating things. thinking someone is perfect from the get go is the opposite of acceptance, which in every relationship, is required. Accepting someone is has flaws and imperfections is leaving room for things ot change, to go wrong and deal with them while if you think or view someone is perfect, it sets you and the person themselves up for failure.

He maybe thought that you are perfect because you put up with shyte and kept quiet, even did sexual things you didn't like, he even dared to tell you what wedding dress to wear. Huh? His understanding of perfect is twisted.

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I'm so far from perfect and never thought there was even any such thing as perfect. But, yes, he is a perfectionist. Said he doesn't want to do anything unless he can be perfect, and that was part of this problem.

Today, I spoke to the lawyer. He asked me "What did he do over all these years to repair the problem?" I said he only made empty promises.

So now I am going to move with my son as soon as school is over. The lawyer is standing by. I told my husband that's the plan, to separate for the summer, then see about finalizing divorce.

My sister told me she doesn't believe I'll do it. I have initiated divorce twice before and took him back. He swore he'd change and he didn't. I hate what I have become in this situation. It's ridiculous. I have a lot of fear to conquer and be strong and stop this insanity by getting out.

I go to this Torah study class, and it always turns out that whatever chapter we read it so relevant to what is going on in my life.

Today, it was about how 20,000 students of this Rabbi all died because they didn't treat other right.

That's what happened with us, we died out because we didn't treat each other right.