[ALC1211]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and at a complete loss, I was with my fiance for 7 years, and back on 7/29 she decided that we needed to end the relationship, which came as a blow to me, I had no idea anything was wrong, she seemed like things were fine leading up to this, texting me how much she loved me and missed me while she was at work during the day, and how she couldn't wait for the day to be over so she could be home with me, then in a matter of a week she decides the relationship is over.

When I ask her why she was ending the relationship the only reason she could give me was she has changed in the 7 years we had been together, had lost herself, and didn't realize it but had grown away from me.... but in the entire 7 years never would communicate if there was any problems or anything, if I ever tried to talk to her about things she saw it as me trying to start a fight and would not talk about it. Her view was people in relationships should not have arguments or fights or disagreements and if they did, they should not be together....

I've told her I have been doing some things to work on myself to fix some things I know I need to fix, and the only thing she said was that was good, and that she was sure the was probably things she needed to work on about herself..not that she knew there was...

After we broke up and I moved out, I moved 900 miles away in with my folks, we have emailed back and forth some, and she has told me of course the whole I loved you and a piece of me always will, and talks about how shes still grieving, but moving forward..looking for happiness and positive things in life....but she does want to be friends, at some point but she can't right now because its to hard for her, there's been to much hurt, What hurt? She did the hurting to me, she made the choice, and decision, I no choices or options in the decision, other then leave its over.. no discussion. or try to work it out. she walked away from me.

It's just really all very confusing, and hurtful to me, I dont know if she is just closed up, and still has more feelings then she is willing to admit and it just hiding it.., if she doesn't feel a thing..what...

Thanks for reading and for the help.

[ALC1211]

I wanted to also add to my original post, because I didn't want to make it crazy long, as I said my ex and I have been emailing back and forth a few times since the break up, and I have tried to get her to talk a little more about the break up and she will only hold to her original reasoning for the break up and says maybe I can find a better explanation one of these days maybe not if I can find the words to explain....then she just goes on to say she won't talk about it and isn't going to hash it over because the hurt and grief of the break up is still to fresh...She just holds onto the shes moving forward, and Loved me and a piece of her always will...

She's talked about how she has had to hid pics of us and of other stuff we've done together from her Facebook timeline because the memories that popup are to painful, and it hurts to much to see them...but on the other hand when we broke up she unfriended me on Facebook...but I can still see some stuff on her Facebook and there are still some pics of us together and stuff on there she has left... but on the other hand I did see a comment she had put on a post of a friend that is in a new relationship she commented and said, " And here I am single after 7 years." and her friend told her just wait the happiness she had never experienced with someone will come along when she least expects it..." she said back." I am loving my life the way it is and wouldn't change a thing." was that just to appear strong and happy for her friends sake? and for her sake?

She had told me she is having problems paying the payment on the place we lived in and her other bills.." keeping her head above water" as she put it... but stays very vague.. and I know she has started smoking again....after quitting for over a year...So is she doing as well as she really wants me to think?

I try to give her, her space and leave her alone.. I just wonder if she misses me and thinks about me.. and like I said if her feelings a really more then she is willing to admit, but shes hiding behind something.

[healingme4me]

I noticed that these are your first posts on PC. Just wanted to say Welcome.

Certainly sounds like this is going to be a difficult relationship to recover from. From what you write about her reasons, there's not much more than vagueness, at least to me her reasons seem vague. Maybe it's interrelated to her refusal to have disagreements because disagreements mean that the relationship isn't healthy? I'm just thinking outloud with that question.

Hopefully another member has more insight.

Sending you moral support.

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[Always Hurting]

Welcome ALC1211! I'm sorry you are going through such pain right now. I think your ex should give you a better explanation than what she did. Communication is key in any relationship. I know you have had to move very far away but I was wondering if suggesting therapy to her would help? If you love her and want her back then fight for her. Maybe you two could do therapy together? Although you living so far away now will make it very difficult. I wish you the very best of luck.

[scorpiosis37]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. unfortunately, it sounds like she has made a firm decision that she feels is best for her. There isn't anything you can do to change that. While I don't know your situation, I can say that I ended a 6 year relationship for what sound like similar reasons. We had grown apart and I just want happy in the relationship anymore-- I still cared about her and the break up was painful, but I knew it wa the right decision. Even when you're the one who ends it, it is still hard to look at old photos and have that person in your life. You just need space and distance. She is clearly feeling a lot of pain, too. Sometimes, it hurts to make healthy decisions. I wish you felt more closure, but sometimes the the other person just doesn't have anyhing more they can say to explain. Sometimes, we have to find out own closure. I've been in that position, too-- where a relationship ends and you don't really understand why. When that happens, you have to take the time to grieve, but you have to eventually accept that it's over and you might never know why. If she was unhappy in the relationship and you don't know why, there was a disconnect somewhere in the communication. That isn't necessarily your fault or hers; just a sign that something wasn't working. All you can do now is move on. Are you interested in going to therapy for yourself? It might help you sort out your feelings and get support.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I can imagine what you're going through. My fiancé, after a fight, almost left me. I begged and pleaded and we're still together. This was just three weeks ago. He's giving me probation time to get my bipolar and drinking under control. Which in doing very good at.

As far as your ex. I think she gave you a fine explanation about how she's changed and isn't herself anymore. This happens in a relationship or not. I'm a totally different person from 7 years ago. You may be too. I hate to say it but maybe this "new" her lost love for you but was working in the relationship to get it back as you said everything seemed fine. She could of been a great faker or tried to convince herself that everything is ok. Only to find out it wasn't.

As far as the emails. She told you she was grieving which is very normal after a breakup. If I were you, I'd cut communication for awhile and both of you find yourselves. You're single now and you're hurt. The more you communicate, the slower the wound will heal. But I get it, I would be crushed and it would be hard. I would suggest maybe therapy. Hell I would need it after this too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by Always Hurting

Welcome ALC1211! I'm sorry you are going through such pain right now. I think your ex should give you a better explanation than what she did. Communication is key in any relationship. I know you have had to move very far away but I was wondering if suggesting therapy to her would help? If you love her and want her back then fight for her. Maybe you two could do therapy together? Although you living so far away now will make it very difficult. I wish you the very best of luck.

Thank you for your input...

Ive ask her for a better explanation, and she just maintains that she felt she had changed, didn't like the person she had become, and didn't feel she couldn't make me happy, Which I was happy, and everything seemed perfectly fine, like I said in my original post, up until before she dropped the bomb on me, that's why I was so surprised...shocked, devastated, she told me on a daily basis, many times a day how much she loved me, missed me, wanted to be home with me while she was at work in texts.. when she was home things were great...we didn't fight...we laughed had fun...nothing that would have ever led me to believe her asking me to leave was coming...

Ive tried to talk to her several times in the emails we written back and forth and try to get her to tell me why she wouldn't fight for me and the relationship and she wont discuss it... so getting her to discuss therapy will be a no, and me being 900 miles a way is going to put a a red flag for her as well, I know her, shes going to say, How do expect us to do that?? because like I said, she just keeps saying, I loved you ... a piece always will...Im moving forward...But she want to be friends but cant right now because the grief and hurt are still to much..I do love her, more than anything....Im doing all I can to fight for her... That I know to do... but she just shuts me out...she she wont fight..too....

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I noticed that these are your first posts on PC. Just wanted to say Welcome.

Certainly sounds like this is going to be a difficult relationship to recover from. From what you write about her reasons, there's not much more than vagueness, at least to me her reasons seem vague. Maybe it's interrelated to her refusal to have disagreements because disagreements mean that the relationship isn't healthy? I'm just thinking outloud with that question.

Hopefully another member has more insight.

Sending you moral support.

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Thanks for your response..

Quite honestly, I wouldn't say the relationship was unhealthy, we really didn't have any problems, We laughed had fun...got along well, she told me on a daily basis many times a day, how much she loved me and missed me and wanted to be home with me in texts, while she was at work...We snuggled and cuddled when she was at home... were affectionate...we didn't fight...but if we did have something that needed to be talked about she was sure to shut down and not want to talk about it... she did have a problem with not knowing how to communicate.. she was from a divorced family her parents divorced when she was 12 it was very hard on her... and she had admitted at one point she never learned good communication skills from example of her parents relationship...I had told her don't let their marriage be an example for our relationship...at that time she had said she wouldn't, but I guess she didn't take it to heart... because i guess it didn't stick...So to her any time you have a discussion about anything.. its leading to a fight or disagreement....her words, I don't like confrontation...even if it wasn't a fight... it was just a talk about something. I just really have no idea how to deal with this and how to even deal with her as far as fighting for the relationship, because that's why she wouldn't discuss it or fight for it on her end, because to her that is confrontation.. it was easier in her eyes i guess to walk away.

[Rose76]

Hi. I came over here from your other thread to get some background on the breakup. Sounds like a pretty raw deal.

[healingme4me]

Doesn't sound like she received any amount of guidance/counseling/support regarding her parents divorce. If she knows it affected her in communication, then it was her responsibility to find effective ways of communication and understanding herself to the point of not sabotaging her own relationships. Already my eyebrows were raised about this notion of not discussing things that were or seemed argumentative. Because that would be her cue/reminder of what precedes divorce? And then to just walk away and leave you stranded, so to speak? 😬

I'm as lost as to why she ended the relationship as you.

Does she struggle with friendships or work? Does she have her own hobbies?

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Doesn't sound like she received any amount of guidance/counseling/support regarding her parents divorce. If she knows it affected her in communication, then it was her responsibility to find effective ways of communication and understanding herself to the point of not sabotaging her own relationships. Already my eyebrows were raised about this notion of not discussing things that were or seemed argumentative. Because that would be her cue/reminder of what precedes divorce? And then to just walk away and leave you stranded, so to speak? ��

I'm as lost as to why she ended the relationship as you.

Does she struggle with friendships or work? Does she have her own hobbies?

*I had typed out a reply and it didnt post so if a double posts my apologies*

She has a lot of "friends" on Facebook but as far as friends that she went out with and did things with no, she had started over the past maybe 8 months to year, wanting to start going out the the clubs and drinking and getting drunk and stuff again... I thought she had gotten that all out of her system in the beginning of our relationship....but I had told her I really had no desire to do that all again...an she had a friend she used to work with that she talks to that she wanted to go out to eat with and go out drinking with and go to her house and get drunk and stuff...Thats all this woman does....and when I told her I had no interest in doing it, she came up with the whole thing that I hated her friend and I didnt want her going out and having fun....I never told her I didnt want her going out, I just didnt want to....but then she came back with.. but then I leave you here at home alone.......I told her that was ok....but that wasnt good enough for her.......I do know for a fact since I have left she has been going out and gettin trashed.....the friday night that we broke up I stayed at a hotel that weekend, she went over to this ladies house and got trashed, and about 1am I got a text from her asking if I could come to our house and stay with her because she was really sick and scared to stay alone.....I informed her that I wasnt going to be around anymore to call when she got trashed to come stay with her anymore...

As far as work, she does fine with work...She has a new job she has been working about 6 months now... and she goes out to eat with a couple girls there at lunch, but she always says she doesnt make friends with people she works with...

As far as hobbies...the only thing she does is she runs, or jogs... and she does that for a little while, then she will stop... its just an on and off thing.. not something she keeps up with...she never sticks with anything... she gets on something and will be gungho and will do it for a little while then gets tired of it... Like she did the adult coloring books for a little while got all into them bought some expensive colored pencils and stuff... then just quit coloring in them....We got nice bikes for Christmas this past year for each other... $400 bikes...bought $100 rack for the car to carry them... because she wanted to start riding bikes for exercise ... we rode them a for a couple weeks...and then they sat in the garage..she lost interest...

[ALC1211]

Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me
Doesn't sound like she received any amount of guidance/counseling/support regarding her parents divorce. If she knows it affected her in communication, then it was her responsibility to find effective ways of communication and understanding herself to the point of not sabotaging her own relationships. Already my eyebrows were raised about this notion of not discussing things that were or seemed argumentative. Because that would be her cue/reminder of what precedes divorce? And then to just walk away and leave you stranded, so to speak? 😬

I'm as lost as to why she ended the relationship as you.

Does she struggle with friendships or work? Does she have her own hobbies?

*I had typed out a reply and it didnt post so if a double posts my apologies*

She has a lot of "friends" on Facebook but as far as friends that she went out with and did things with no, she had started over the past maybe 8 months to year, wanting to start going out the the clubs and drinking and getting drunk and stuff again... I thought she had gotten that all out of her system in the beginning of our relationship....but I had told her I really had no desire to do that all again...an she had a friend she used to work with that she talks to that she wanted to go out to eat with and go out drinking with and go to her house and get drunk and stuff...Thats all this woman does....and when I told her I had no interest in doing it, she came came up with the whole thing that I hated her friend and I didnt want her going out and having fun....I never told her I didnt want her going out, I just didnt want to....but then she came back with.. but then I leave you here at home alone.......I told her that was ok....but that wasnt good enough for her.......I do know for a fact since I have left she has been going out and gettin trashed.....the friday night that we broke up I stayed at a hotel that weekend, she went over the this ladies house and got trashed, and about 1am I got a text from her asking if I could come to our house and stay with her because she was really sick and scared to stay alone.....I informed her that I wasnt going to be around anymore to call when she got trashed to come stay with her anymore...

As far as work, she does fine with work...She has a new job she has been working about 6 months now... and she goes out to eat with a couple girls there at lunch, but she always says she doesnt make friends with people she works with...

As far as hobbies...the only thing she does is she runs, or jogs... and she does that for a little while, then she will stop... its just an on and off thing.. not something she keeps up with...she never sticks with anything... she gets on something and will be gungho and will do it for a little while then gets tired of it... Like she did the adult coloring books for a little while got all into them bought some expensive colored pencils and stuff... then just quit coloring in them....We got nice bikes for Christmas this past year for each other... $400 bikes...bought $100 rack for the car to carry them... because she wanted to start riding bikes for exercise ... we rode them a for a couple weeks...and then they sat in the garage..she lost interest..

[healingme4me]

No worries that the post glitched as a double entry. I've had that happen to me before. If anything, if you choose, click the report icon and send a little message to one of the mods that there's a double post and they can fix that for you.

Gosh, I don't even know what to say. My flags went up on the friend and the need to go clubbing. Not that girl's nights aren't fun, it's that some types of friends can rub off negatively over time. And also the drinking, etc increase peaks my curiosity. Combined with extra spending(bikes) with an out of reach wedding budget.
I get how it could have come out of left field, for sure.

Sending you moral support through all of this is about all that I can do.

[Rose76]

[QUOTE=ALC1211;5280794. . . . . .
she had started over the past maybe 8 months to year, wanting to start going out the the clubs and drinking and getting drunk and stuff again... I thought she had gotten that all out of her system in the beginning of our relationship....but I had told her I really had no desire to do that all again...an she h
ad a friend she used to work with that she talks to that she wanted to go out to eat with and go out drinking with and go to her house and get drunk and
stuff...Thats all this woman does....and when I told her I had no interest in doing it, she came up with the whole thing that I hated her friend and I didnt want her going out and having fun....I never told her I didnt want her going out, I just didnt want to....but then she came back with.. but then I leave you here at home alone.......I told her that was ok....but that wasnt good enough for her.......I do know for a fact since I have left she has been going out and gettin trashed.....

[/QUOTE]

The difference in your attitudes toward drinking and nightlife sounds significant to me. I don't think there is such a thing as a good relationship between two people, where one wants to go bar-hopping and drinking fairly heavily, while the other does not.

A movie called Days of Wine and Roses dealt with just that topic. The guy gets sober, but his wife gets deeper into alcoholism. She ends up telling him he's no fun anymore and leaves him. It sounds to me like your ex has an escalating drinking problem. That can make a person not want a non-drinker around. You notice she's gravitating toward someone who'll drink with her.

I'ld highly recommend you see that movie. Also, you might want to attend a few Al-Anon meetings. (There for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.)

[healingme4me]

Reading her email reads as though she bottled up a lot when you were together.

She'd certainly benefit from learning to assert her emotions on the spot, in a relationship.

But first, she would need to address the drinking and smoking.

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Reading her email reads as though she bottled up a lot when you were together.

She'd certainly benefit from learning to assert her emotions on the spot, in a relationship.

But first, she would need to address the drinking and smoking.

Yeah like Ive said before, she would never talk about anything, to her talking about anything equated to a fight or arguing, so rather then do that she just shut down the conversation, and ignored it and to her it would just go away...communication was not one of her strong points...

She had quit smoking over a year ago, apparently she has started again, since the break up...

[Rose76]

Hi ALC. I'ld like to say something that I think needs to be touched upon. There may not have been as effective an alternative to posting your ex's email that would have shed as much light on what's gone on between the two of you. And you're not the first to copy an email onto a thread here at PC. But when posters do that, it always seems to me kind of like playing a tape recording of someone who didn't know they were being taped. I guess it doesn't violate any community rules here, but I'ld encourage posters to paraphrase, or just quote a small section of someone else's email.

Having said that, I gotta admit that I don't know how you could distill your ex's email into something more concise that would convey what I got out of reading what you shared. My impression is that your ex is a very emotionally troubled person. What you say about her drinking, combined with this incoherent, rambling and strange email leads me to think your ex is truly mentally disturbed. That seems to have escaped you to some extent. This suggests to me that you have not been tuned in to this lady at any level deeper than a very superficial level. It seems to me like she's been in water over her head drowning, while you've been meandering along the beach picking up seashells.

Maybe you've heard the old expression: "Silence speaks volumes." Poor comunicator though she may be, a person can express a wealth of meaning by what they don't say. Part of the communication problem between you, IMHO, is that you've been deaf to what she tells you in the things she doesn't say.

From what you've shared in another thread, it sounds like you grew up with a mother who was nothing, if not explicit. You got conditioned by spending years around a woman who verbalizes every single expectation she has of you. So my guess is that you got conditioned into thinking that, unless you're hearing a lot of loud, persistant complaining, you must be acting the way you're expected to act. Well, your ex was not the same kind of person as your mother, so you were assuming wrong.

By refusing to engage with you, verbally, your ex was actually screaming her discontent, dismay and despair. That's the language she speaks in, and she doesn't know how to be any different. And that's a language you don't know how to interpret.

So I think you were both victims. It's a very sad story. You're both deeply wounded. We know you were, but now I'm seeing that she is in great pain herself. This is not a story of just her being mean and cruel. I think she's in a lot of trouble psychologically. Her friend on facebook indicated understanding that. You haven't, and that may not be your fault. But she is in bad shape. It may be that there was, and is, nothing you could offer to help her. That seems to be the conclusion she's come to.

I don't think ending her relationship with you is going to be the solution to what ails her. She sounds like a person in emotional free-fall, who is falling further into an abyss. But having you around wasn't making her feel supported, either. She's chosen a dysfunctional approach to relieving pain (the drinking,) which might make her unreceptive to your best efforts . . . or anyone else's.

[divine1966]

Honestly 7 years of engagement rarely result in marriage. There must be a reason you two never got married. Perhaps being engaged for 7 years isn't something she enjoyed. Perhaps there is a reason she never talked to you, maybe she never felt safe. Honestly I'd let it go and start healing at this point rather than dwelling on it. Clearly things weren't good for her or she would never leave. People don't leave good relationships

[s4ndm4n2006]

I'm sorry I have not found the words to reply to you. Maybe now that I'm drunk I will. Oh yeah...ivery turned jnto a raging alcoholic that smokes. Happy? I don't know what to say to make this right to give you peace. I really don't.

Im.trying to move forward and create a life. Without you. Its weird. Its different. Im struggling. But whatever. Things changed with me and I'm so sorry I didn't feel like you fit into my equation. I'm sorry I can't give you closure that youneed. I'm sorry I can't be the person you always thought I was. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through.

No it didn't happen overnight. It happened for months and months before that. I'm sorry I didn't feel there was something worth fighting for. Are you happy now? Does it make you feel better that I'm a cold hearted b@tch to you.??? Seriously. I've been. Trying to protect your feelings but whatever.

It's over. There is no turning back. I'm f@cked up. I'm sorry I couldn't be more for you. I'm sorry I can't do everything to please you and make everythingright. I've f@cked up. I'm human. I have issues .

Is this what younwanted? me to be miserable and floundering without yiu? Congrats your wish is my command.

You have a good f#@king life. Obviously that's what you want me to say.

What strikes me as interesting in this email is how much resentment there is in it. I wouldn't write her off as "disturbed" or mentally off just by this email because frankly most of us when writing drunk texts, emails and such will sound pretty off anyway let alone when we are writing when emotionally charged in some way. So yeah this is pretty typical with drunk emails... that being said...

A lot of times unintentional meanings come out in drunk/uninhibited sharing of our thoughts and feelings and what I get out of this is that she was unhappy with things for quite some time and from the words she uses, she hasn't felt like you were satisfied with her for awhile. The "are you happy now" I know is about you not feeling closure but at the same time its probably pretty typical of what she thought prior to this email too. Like she didn't feel like she ever lived up to some high bar you held out as expectation. This is how I read what she's saying.

on PC its easy for us to post our perspectives on a situation that involves ourselves and our mate or ex/mate. Thing is I'm glad you posted the email because it gives more insight to things a bit more than just your "version" of it. I am not implying that you are not accurately depicting things as you see them but that no singular perspective is entirely accurate.

The fact that she mentions she's "struggling" and that it's "weird" being alone and goes on to say that she's sorry for everything she put you through. Again, one can assume this is about the break up but reading a bit deeper, it seems to me she feels that she has been under the impression she has put you through a lot over the years too. yes, it's an assumption but not one out of left field when in context you put all that she said into one story.

"does it make you feel better I'm a cold hearted b**ch?" That speaks volumes to her impression of how you feel or felt about her over the years. I am not saying you are in the wrong here but speaking of her feelings and perspective on things. I doubt that it comes from out of nowhere, but only you can be honest about things with yourself and how or why she might say something like that. Why would she think that you'd feel better that she's a cold hearted b*? Something to ponder.

"is this what you wanted... me miserable... floundering without you..." This to me implies that over the years you've wanted her to need you more than she did. That in the dynamic of the relationship you felt you were the caretaker and did a lot for her and she was incapable of doing for herself.

Without more information, there is no way to understand why she left and what went on. YOU know better than anyone. Typically a break up is not only one person's fault but some of both involved.

either you really don't know how or why this happened and you should consider that, so that going forward you know what to look for in a woman if you choose to do that and also what you need to work on yourself, or... you do know what happened, are pleading for comfort even though you made mistakes yourself and deep inside knew this was coming or you're in denial that you're responsible for some of the problems that led up to this. You tell me.

Things to think about though. For you, I am sorry it ended. I know that's hard to deal with anyway but you gotta just move on honestly because regardless of the reasons, she's clearly finished with you.

[ALC1211]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

What strikes me as interesting in this email is how much resentment there is in it. I wouldn't write her off as "disturbed" or mentally off just by this email because frankly most of us when writing drunk texts, emails and such will sound pretty off anyway let alone when we are writing when emotionally charged in some way. So yeah this is pretty typical with drunk emails... that being said...

A lot of times unintentional meanings come out in drunk/uninhibited sharing of our thoughts and feelings and what I get out of this is that she was unhappy with things for quite some time and from the words she uses, she hasn't felt like you were satisfied with her for awhile. The "are you happy now" I know is about you not feeling closure but at the same time its probably pretty typical of what she thought prior to this email too. Like she didn't feel like she ever lived up to some high bar you held out as expectation. This is how I read what she's saying.

on PC its easy for us to post our perspectives on a situation that involves ourselves and our mate or ex/mate. Thing is I'm glad you posted the email because it gives more insight to things a bit more than just your "version" of it. I am not implying that you are not accurately depicting things as you see them but that no singular perspective is entirely accurate.

The fact that she mentions she's "struggling" and that it's "weird" being alone and goes on to say that she's sorry for everything she put you through. Again, one can assume this is about the break up but reading a bit deeper, it seems to me she feels that she has been under the impression she has put you through a lot over the years too. yes, it's an assumption but not one out of left field when in context you put all that she said into one story.

"does it make you feel better I'm a cold hearted b**ch?" That speaks volumes to her impression of how you feel or felt about her over the years. I am not saying you are in the wrong here but speaking of her feelings and perspective on things. I doubt that it comes from out of nowhere, but only you can be honest about things with yourself and how or why she might say something like that. Why would she think that you'd feel better that she's a cold hearted b*? Something to ponder.

"is this what you wanted... me miserable... floundering without you..." This to me implies that over the years you've wanted her to need you more than she did. That in the dynamic of the relationship you felt you were the caretaker and did a lot for her and she was incapable of doing for herself.

Without more information, there is no way to understand why she left and what went on. YOU know better than anyone. Typically a break up is not only one person's fault but some of both involved.

either you really don't know how or why this happened and you should consider that, so that going forward you know what to look for in a woman if you choose to do that and also what you need to work on yourself, or... you do know what happened, are pleading for comfort even though you made mistakes yourself and deep inside knew this was coming or you're in denial that you're responsible for some of the problems that led up to this. You tell me.

Things to think about though. For you, I am sorry it ended. I know that's hard to deal with anyway but you gotta just move on honestly because regardless of the reasons, she's clearly finished with you.

I shouldn't have ever posted the email to begin with, everything she was talking about in the email she wasnt referring to over the years we were together.. she was refer to since we had split up...She was lashing out at me.... I never held held her to any high standard while we were together...the cold hearted b@tch thing I never EVER thought of her that way or called her that in the years we were together, it doesn't make me feel better that she thinks that I think she is one...she was referring again to since we had broken up....When she says she struggling, she means since I left, trying to pay all the bills on her own on one income, take care of the house, do all the things I used to do, that she didnt have to do when I was there, When she says she is sorry for what she put me through she means the hurt she has put me through during the break up....The miserable and floundering comment she was finally admitting she was having a tough time, because she was playing so tough and acting like she was doing so well... and getting along so great...She finally admitted she was having a tough time...I did do a lot for her, over the years, but I did it because I wanted to, Everything I did for her was to make her happy and because I wanted to do it...If she was happy I was happy....Not that I owe any explainations, but No I didnt know it was coming and I didnt know why it happened, it did take me completely by surprise....and like I said other then She needed to find herself, or had grown away from me. and couldnt find herself with me there thats the only explaination I got....but yeah I dont need anyone to explain to me that she is clearly finished with me...I got that...Im having a hard enough time dealing with this as is...thanks for the input...