[j1llyb3an]

Bear with me as I attempt to outline my story for all of you wonderful people.

I’ve been with my husband for almost twenty years and we have two amazing sons. The problem is that my husband hates me.

We were together for five years before we had our first son and two years after that we had our second one. After our second son was born all hell broke loose and has not let up for a moment, that’s how it feels for me, he will tell you the same, except that I avoid and that I want it “this way.” After our second son was born we chose to have my husband stay home to raise the boys while I went to work because it was going to cost a lot of money for the boys to be in daycare.

SIDE NOTE- I was raised by two meth addicts, who were both physically abusive (amongst other forms of abuse). I was neglected and we were evicted from homes many times over the years, electricity turned off, no water, no phone, garbage piled up in the garage with rats and maggots. You know, the typical Adult Children’s of Alcoholic stuff. My father couldn’t hold down a job. Later on in life he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, makes sense to me now. My upbringing doesn’t affect me like it did in my early years but the affects of it / lack of skills (lack of communication, emotional detachment, manipulation, lies, anxiety, etc…) continues to effect my relationship with my husband.

Well, I developed postpartum depression or was it, depression, anxiety or was it bi-polar II, PTSD, or BPD, no wait I think it was narcissism. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve run the gambit on diagnosis over the years, I don’t care so much about the diagnosis I just want my life to be better. When I first went in to see my PCP after my second son was born because I thought I had postpartum (felt like running my car off the road into oncoming traffic, etc…) he put me on Prozac (I’ve taken Lamictal, Celexa & Wellbutrin over the years). I started counseling with a woman and it didn’t seem to go anywhere. I don’t know if it went anywhere because I stopped going, my husband appeared upset that I was going and not talking to him about my feelings. This is what my mind tells me. I did develop an emotional affair with a man at work though (my husband blamed it on the Prozac) and when my husband found out he was furious, as he should have been. That moment in time sparked something I cannot seem to get rid of in my life.

That was the first time in my life I felt anxiety, which I remember. My husband was never one to get upset or talk loud. I knew that he had an anger problem because he made sure to tell me how he was with his first wife but once he figured out that he was “an a$$hole” he was able to be a better person. He tells me that once you know that you are what you are, you should be able to stop that and be a better person. Yes you will struggle with thoughts but if you know that you are a jerk, stop being a jerk. If you know you are a lying, manipulative, attention seeking, depressed, anxiety ridden, abusive, cheating person, you stop. Especially if you have been confronted and admitted that you are these things.

I have admitted to all of these things. I contradict myself all the time. I say one thing and do another. I don’t believe that I do this on purpose but maybe I do. When I admit to something that I’ve done wrong or agreed with him that I need to do something a certain way, I will then think that I’m doing what he’s asked. He states that this is why he hates me and believes that I have “thrown our lives and our children’s lives away.” He says I do the things I do because I am evil and I need control over everyone. I manipulate and lie to get what I want. Yes, I get that part because of my childhood I’ve yearned for control and have used manipulation as a survival tool. He says because he’s been a kind, loving man over the years and that he’s never abused me, that I don’t need to do that any longer.

I believe that I’m missing “something.” I’m not sure what it is or how to go about obtaining “it” but it’s not there. When I attempt to talk with my husband about it he says that what I’m missing is a heart.

Thank you for listening to me and I look forward to all the assistance I can get.

PS- I feel shameful for saying this but I’m a clinician for clients with substance abuse problems and mental health struggles.

Have a good day. [/SIZE]

[Artchic528]

It seems your husband is an insecure, resentful and very emotionally manipulative man. He's basically using the tactic of emotional blackmail to guilt you into doing what he wants. Not something I'd really tolerate if I were you. You're entitled to how you feel, and being who you are. You don't deserve your husbands ill treatment.

Marital counseling is crucial in this situation. Your husband needs to be checked and corrected in how he's speaking to you and handling this situation. I'm not sure he's being intentionally manipulative, that's always a possibility of course, but regardless you need an impartial 3rd party in this situation.

[TishaBuv]

Did all the verbal abuse by him start after you had the emotional affair? Is that why he's acting out? It's still inexcusable of him, but i'm trying to understand why.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

It seems your husband is an insecure, resentful and very emotionally manipulative man. He's basically using the tactic of emotional blackmail to guilt you into doing what he wants. Not something I'd really tolerate if I were you. You're entitled to how you feel, and being who you are. You don't deserve your husbands ill treatment.

He said that I made him the way that he is (insecure, resentful and emotional, he denies being manipulative). I told him in a fit that he sure gave me a lot of power, that didn't go over well. I still get that one brought up.

Thank you for your reply and I will be looking into your support groups.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

Marital counseling is crucial in this situation. Your husband needs to be checked and corrected in how he's speaking to you and handling this situation. I'm not sure he's being intentionally manipulative, that's always a possibility of course, but regardless you need an impartial 3rd party in this situation.

He REFUSES to attend counseling. He said that this was me who did this in our relationship and that counseling hasn't worked for me, how is it going to work for us. This is a me thing not a relationship thing as we have no relationship, that's what he tells me. I started this and it's my fault that things are the way they are.

None of this started until I started "sneaking around."

Thank you so much for your reply

[Artchic528]

That's classic emotional blackmail right there, J1lly. Don't be dragged down into his issues and his mess. Let him stew in his own self misery, but don't let him drag you down into it. Nothing was ever your fault. You did nothing wrong. He's the one who needs to work out his issues, not you.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Did all the verbal abuse by him start after you had the emotional affair? Is that why he's acting out? It's still inexcusable of him, but i'm trying to understand why.

Yes it started after the emotional affair. Things were not perfect by any means before the affair. He "got me" straight from my parents at the ripe old age of 19. He is seven years older than me and has had one marriage before me (no children).

Many people told me that they felt he was controlling in the beginning but I was "in love" and he taught me a lot about myself and life so I was hooked. Something that always stands out is deciding what to get on the pizza when we were first dating. I would get what he would want, I said what I wanted once and he said that it sounded gross so we didn't get it. I was a ding dong and it never dawned on me to get half and half. Now I'll get what I want but it's gone way beyond what to get on the pizza.

Everything in my heart says that he's wrong, not the way he feels but how he responds, but because I feel guilty for what I've done and still do, to a point, I just go with it. I feel like I'm rambling, thank you for your reply. I sure can use any guidance I can get

[Artchic528]

Don't let your guilt dictate your life. You're living in the past, and while the past can and does hurt sometimes, you have to learn from it and move on. I would probably pack my bags and leave him to rot in the cesspool of misery he created for himself.

[TishaBuv]

You had a really rough start with your family of origin. You are doing amazingly well. You had an indiscretion and he's showing anger, being abusive, and not forgiving and moving forward.

I guess you both need to decide if the marriage can be salvaged or if it is broken and needs to be ended. You can put a stop to the verbal abuse by demanding he stop it because you won't stay with him unless he cuts it out.

If you say it's counseling or divorce, he may choose counseling.

My h found a t for us once i moved out. That motivated him.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

That's classic emotional blackmail right there, J1lly. Don't be dragged down into his issues and his mess. Let him stew in his own self misery, but don't let him drag you down into it. Nothing was ever your fault. You did nothing wrong. He's the one who needs to work out his issues, not you.

I wish he'd be willing to do work with me and not point the finger to me all the time. I know that I've done wrong, over and over again but it does take two, at least that's what I've been told

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Don't let your guilt dictate your life. You're living in the past, and while the past can and does hurt sometimes, you have to learn from it and move on. I would probably pack my bags and leave him to rot in the cesspool of misery he created for himself.

Although yes, I do allow my guilt to dictate my life and I dream of packing my bags at times, I can not leave my children. I don't have a way to take them with me either. Thank you for your feedback

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You had a really rough start with your family of origin. You are doing amazingly well. You had an indiscretion and he's showing anger, being abusive, and not forgiving and moving forward.

I guess you both need to decide if the marriage can be salvaged or if it is broken and needs to be ended. You can put a stop to the verbal abuse by demanding he stop it because you won't stay with him unless he cuts it out.

If you say it's counseling or divorce, he may choose counseling.

My h found a t for us once i moved out. That motivated him.

I threatened to move out once and he put a big guilt trip on me so I stayed. It's pretty sad because the children are more involved than I'd like them to be. They are only 11 & 13. He's convinced them that I'm the "bad guy." This all started with me talking with another man right after our youngest was born and hasn't let up since and that is my fault.

I'll agree with some of the things he says and then I'll take it back because it's not how I feel or really see that being the case. It's a mess, thank you so much for your feedback

[TishaBuv]

How intimate an emotional affair was it? Sexting? Wanting to run away together? Is he acting like this simply from you talking to another man?

[Hobbit House]

I agree with TishaBuy. You both need to decide where it's going to go from here.. Divorce or counseling. You can't live life in the past and that's what it sounds like he's trying to do to you. I hope you find the help you need.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

How intimate an emotional affair was it? Sexting? Wanting to run away together? Is he acting like this simply from you talking to another man?

This has been an ongoing barrage of behaviors (it started 11 years ago). It was a month and a half of texting, not sexting, conversations, plus I worked 40 hours a week with him. There was never any sexual contact or conversation but a hug here and there. We mostly talked about our own struggling marriages. Had it gone on longer, who knows how it would have turned out. My husband said that I'm "stupid" if I deny what would have happened.

I've manipulated to get what I want, lie to be in control but most of all I have a difficult time sharing my feelings with him. He takes it personally because our relationship was "great" before hand. He has never "broke any rules" and that what makes him "better than me."

I have studied Adult Children of Alcoholics and co-dependency information and this is me to a T. He thinks that I've "tricked him" into children and a relationship and he hates me for it. I wish he would go to counseling with me, if it was just to tell the counselor that he doesn't like me.

Thank you so much for your inquire

[TishaBuv]

your only bad deed was talking to this man about your marriage problems rather than to your h. You have every reason to hold your head high, not allow him to call you names, and definitely not try to turn your kids against you. You didn't do anything that bad. I did much worse and admitted it because I was so unhappy, and my husband didn't shame me at all.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by Hobbit House

I agree with TishaBuy. You both need to decide where it's going to go from here.. Divorce or counseling. You can't live life in the past and that's what it sounds like he's trying to do to you. I hope you find the help you need.

I agree with you guys. We constantly live in the past. That's what I try to tell him. He'll tell me that if I wasn't doing "it" today then we would be talking about it. He tells me I'm the one who lives in the past and he's talking about the abuse I'm doing to him today.

I do shut down. It feels like my mind goes blank when it comes times to talk with him about whatever it may be. It can be going to the store, washing the clothes but I get so anxious that I'm not going to "do it right."

Thank you for your input

Why is your definition of who you are based on what he says and a book/article?

You had a guy friend...you hugged and maybe flirted a little....So? That is NOT an emotional affair....

I feel as if he's manipulated you to the point where you believe him. That's not good at all.

We are human. We make mistakes (FWIW, I don't see that you have made any that require "forgiving") That aside, making mistakes (and who or what our parents did) doesn't make us bad people....it just makes us people.

I hope you get to working on forgiving yourself.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

your only bad deed was talking to this man about your marriage problems rather than to your h. You have every reason to hold your head high, not allow him to call you names, and definitely not try to turn your kids against you. You didn't do anything that bad. I did much worse and admitted it because I was so unhappy, and my husband didn't shame me at all.

I agree. I should have NEVER talked with him. I believe that having my child triggered some major hormone imbalance on top of emotions. I've never been a strong communicator of feelings and my husband knows this but it wasn't a big deal until I chose to have an emotional affair. I will be seeking counseling, it will probably be best

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Why is your definition of who you are based on what he says and a book/article?

You had a guy friend...you hugged and maybe flirted a little....So? That is NOT an emotional affair....

I feel as if he's manipulated you to the point where you believe him. That's not good at all.

We are human. We make mistakes (FWIW, I don't see that you have made any that require "forgiving") That aside, making mistakes (and who or what our parents did) doesn't make us bad people....it just makes us people.

I hope you get to working on forgiving yourself.

In my heart of hearts (he says I don't have one and that's why this has gone on for so long) I do believe that I am human and have made many, many mistakes. I think that he's mostly upset that I he hasn't been the one for me to turn to for emotional support over the years.

As I get older and learn more about myself, how trauma effects your brain, even in the womb, I have been emotionally stunted and I feel judged by him and that I don't feel comfortable opening up to him. I try, boy do I try. I get scared and say the same things over and over again. He says that I do it on purpose, I avoid on purpose because I want all the control.

Thank you for taking time from your day to comment

[TishaBuv]

You were looking for someone to understand your feelings. Worst-case-scenario, you might have been feeling out the possibility of having an affair or getting this man to be the catalyst to help you leave your husband because you are unhappy with him. You're human. What you did was so minor. Especially since your husband won't go to counseling, it makes sense that you went to confide in someone else.

It's your h that is acting way over the top about this. He has no right to be hateful and abusive over this. Don't let him brainwash you.

Is he using this as an excuse to abuse you and act righteous about it? Red flags! He'll be beating you next. You owe it to yourself and to your kids to put a stop to it now.

[j1llyb3an]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You were looking for someone to understand your feelings. Worst-case-scenario, you might have been feeling out the possibility of having an affair or getting this man to be the catalyst to help you leave your husband because you are unhappy with him. You're human. What you did was so minor. Especially since your husband won't go to counseling, it makes sense that you went to confide in someone else.

It's your h that is acting way over the top about this. He has no right to be hateful and abusive over this. Don't let him brainwash you.

Is he using this as an excuse to abuse you and act righteous about it? Red flags! He'll be beating you next. You owe it to yourself and to your kids to put a stop to it now.

He tells me that counseling didn't work for me so how is it going to work for "us". There is no "us" we need to be in a relationship to go to counseling and there is no relationship. I do feel mind f%&*ed but then he will say something that I can't explain or articulate and he will say "see how can you know something if you can't explain it, you can only know something if you can explain it."

I go back and forth. I agree with him and then I don't. It's a mess. I have done so many things that I'm not proud of.

You are awesome, thank you for taking your time with me

Look...some of us don't communicate as well as others (I don't)...But being less than articulate is not a crime.

He's really messing with your head. I do not use the word "abuse" very often because I feel that there are three sides to every story and we get one here.

But I feel you are really suffering from some emotional abuse at the hands of this man. You are a valuable human being and he's trying to make you feel as if you are not worth much....

[Trippin2.0]

He's mind effing you big time.


Got you all twisted believing and seeing exactly what and how he wants you to.


From what you've posted about him, its really hard to tell what part you actually played here beside puppet on a string. So while I can't blame you, and I cant claim you're completely innocent...


I do know my first sentence is true.

Without a shadow of a doubt.


If you don't distance yourself from this man you'll need a lobotomy to extricate him from your head.