Marriage separation after deployment

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that.

Do try to stay though, for your kids. When you leave you give her the opportunity to tell your kids that you didn't stay, you're not interested, you are too busy for them, etc.

Don't give her that opportunity.

Instead, as best you can, sit in a spot where you can't see her. Then, keep your eyes on the game!

This will be difficult I know, but your kids will be glad that you are around.

I agree with Trippin: You can do this.

It's too hard right now. I seen her and all those emotions came back. From the last time I saw her and the way she acted towards me infront of her friends...I hate the position that I am in right now. If we where divorced I guess it would be different but being separated, it's extremely painful. I told my kids before I took them to practice that I wouldn't be able to stay because I have an appointment anyways, but when I seen her she didn't pay me no attention, didn't try to speak or much less look at me, she was on her phone the whole time. It bothers me I guess that she is nonchalant about it while I'm hurting about our marriage still. Maybe it is time for me to just give up..

DadFMF - You're only 35 years old. You have plenty of life left and time to find love. Think about people going through this at age 45 or age 55. When your wife and you met, you were in your early 20s. I really do believe that the two of you were never right for each other. That's unfortunate, but it happens. I believe your wife has fully made up her mind that being married to you is not right for her. Maybe it's not for me to say, but I think being married to her is not right for you. You spoke, I think, about not putting enough energy into doing things with your wife. You are sounding like only part of this is grief over the breakdown of the marriage, but not all your sorrow is that. I think, maybe, you're a guy who doesn't like the challenge of adjusting to the demands of change, partly because it takes effort. You want to keep mooning over how heartbroken you are and how awful it is to lose this "good woman." I'm going to be real blunt with you. She's not that good, and what you had with her wasn't that special. You're kind of wallowing in this being all tragic. You need to knock it off. (And I say that out of concern.) You're making yourself miserable. When a woman who no longer is in love with you decides to leave you, it's not all bad. It means you can be free to make a better choice of a partner. You're pretty much insisting that life was supposed to go a certain way, and you're just not going to accept anything different. Have some pride and dignity. Stop wanting someone who doesn't want you. And - yes - that can be done. You don't really want your wife . . . I don't believe. The woman you want doesn't exist. You want who you thought your wife was. That person probably never existed. And your wife is sick to death of you mistaking her for who she is not. That's why she is so cold and unimpressed with your hangdog yearning for her. I don't believe the two of you really knew each other when you got married. She's decided that she made a mistake. People don't really change much in their core, regardless of how many visits to therapists they make. You can't become what she is looking for in a man. It's not who you are. You need to, one day, find someone who can love who it is that you are . . . someone who you can love for being who she is.

You're at risk of becoming one of these sad souls who goes through a divorce that they never recover from. I've known men like that. They buy into a narrative that their life is tragic. They stay obsessed with the one who got away. They make themselves unattractive to other women. They make the woman who left doubly glad she did. The more you pine away wishing she'ld come back to you, the more uninteresting you become to her. You are making yourself unnecessarily pathetic.

Yes, this is painful. It's not the end of the world, unless you make it that. Stop wallowing. Being rejected is awful. But the more someone rejects you, the more you need to go in a different direction and seek acceptance from where it can be found. Don't keep banging your head against a wall. Don't stay utterly dependent on her to decide what your future holds. Get a life. Get your own life. Be willing to put in the effort.

That was brutal

Rose was brutal but I think she said some important things that you need to hear. This thread has been going on for what seems like forever; I've never seen one go this viral, and yet still it seems to have done you no help.

Obviously you are going to go through a period of grief, but eventually you are going to have to accept that it is over, and you will have to choose to be miserable in a life of unfulfilled yearning or move on and find happiness.

Seesaw

Sometimes, life goes off the rails and something happens that is really awful. Then the person who has gone through this awful thing has to go on with the rest of their life. When I was young, I could understand how people are often permanently damaged by what happened to them that was extremely painful. What I couldn't understand was how come some people (perhaps only a minority) can manage to survive terrible emotional pain and, yet, not be permanently crippled by it. Years and years of living (I'm no longer young) have given me an answer. First there's what happens to us. Then there is the way we think about what happened to us. I believe that what destroys a person in his our her soul is not usually the bad thing that happened, but the way that the person thinks about what happened. Those people who come through that dark valley and end up okay seem to have a mindset that either refuses to go in certain directions, or at least refuses to remain stuck going in a direction that is without hope. For one thing, they don't bog down in endlessly lamenting that something bad happened.

I watched a documentary about a woman who had a horrible childhood. When she was 4 years old her mother, who was a drug addict, started selling her to pedophiles. She was sold to man after man after man to be abused. At the time the film was made she was living a good life and going around helping counsel young women who are being helped to recover from living on the streets using drugs and selling themselves, or being captive and sold. Most people with her past end up destroyed. How is it possible for anyone not to be? How can anyone come out of that horror and not be a total wreck for the rest of their life? She refused to believe that she was ruined and that her life was ruined. That seemed to make all the difference. She was very uneducated and seemed not to have learned all the modern theories about how a bad childhood can permanently damage a person. I think that worked in her favor.

What happened to that young woman when she was a child should never, never, ever, ever have happened to her. Anyone could have forgiven her, if she had spent the rest of her life weeping and lamenting how what her mother did to her should never have been done or allowed to have happened. But she chose a different direction to go in.

I'm sorry, if I sounded unsympathetic to your pain, DadFNF. I'm not. All we know is what you have told us. I think, all of us on this thread, respect your honesty and feel you are in a tough situation where it doesn't seem to us that you are being dealt with fairly. It is sad, and it involves the welfare of two children. No one wants to toss out advice that isn't thoughtful and sensitive. We haven't said, "Oh just go get a divorce and move on." as you have accused us of saying because you're not really listening. We're not trying to just see some "easy" way of dealing with things, as you have accused us of doing.

What you're doing is dangerous. What you're doing to yourself is potentially more damaging to you than your wife leaving you. It's awful to experience the collapse of a marriage, especially if you're someone who has taken the marital commitment seriously, as you seem to be. It's normal to have a hard time coming to grips with what you do next. But you can come through this and be okay, whether you and your wife reconcile or not. Be cautious about what kind of thoughts you let hang around in your mind. You can become your own worst torturer.

When a tornado hits a town and levels all the houses, I feel sorry for the residents of that town. Over here is, maybe, an 80 year old woman who can't rebuild her home and may find her next stop is a nursing facility where she will live out her remaining days. What happened to her is awful and she may not realistically have the resources and time to recover from what happened. It's sad. Down the road, maybe, is her neighbor who is 35 years old. His house being demolished is sad too. But his tragedy is not on the same level. He should be able to recover and rebuild. He is strong and has lots of time to put things back in order. Maybe he lost a family member who got hit in the head with a flying piece of debris. He mourns. Then he gathers the family that is left and begins anew. His life still has purpose. Your life still has purpose. Your life is a story that, right now, is sad. But the rest of the story has yet to be written. You will be the author of that story.

If anything you read here us not helpful to you, then ignore it. It's just opinion.

Ok thanks. I think I'm going to end this thread now

Found another forum

I wish you and your children the best of luck in the future.

IMHO, your wife has not gotten over this. This happened just before you left for 9 months so first she had her "trust" in you broken/damaged and then she had to live alone without you for 9 months and had to take care of the children and she experienced being "alone".

A woman feels especially vulnerable when she has a child/children. So, because she caught you interacting with another woman, I am willing to bet she feels that the "only" reason you stopped is because she caught you. So, in her mind if she had not caught you, you would have continued your "cheating" behind her back.

Unfortunately, you can never change what happened, and you can never change the way it made her feel. I am willing to bet my last dollar that your wife is struggling with how "she" herself can fix how much she was hurt. I also think part of her friendship with this other man is one of her ways of trying to learn "why do men do this" and "is this so bad that I should never trust him again and instead prevent myself from being further hurt and just end my relationship with him?".

I think your wife got so frightened that she is making sure she can fend for herself and is making it a point to become an RN so that she can earn enough to support herself.

I also think that when she talked about living apart and starting all over with dating again is "telling" in that what she is trying to do in that effort is see if she can find a way to start over and see if she can develop "trust" in you again.

Honestly, a lot of the things you have shared in her behaviors and things she has said are about the "hurt" she STILL feels and is reminded of in your presence. When a woman gives her love and trust and is cheated on, one of the challenges that creates is a fear to love and trust again. Anger, avoidance, resentment, flight towards others are all an effort to distance from "hurt". Including her new priority of finishing her education so she has the security of a degree. She has realized how important it is for her to have her "own" sense of security and ability to be self sufficient. There is nothing wrong with that either.

You have to accept that "you" are the one that changed the dynamic of your relationship with her. Actions have consequences, and that is what you are learning about in this challenge. Also, in that 9 months you were "away", I am willing to bet she often wondered if you were continuing to interact with that other woman. I "know" what that feels like myself and IT'S HORRIBLE. I think it's important that your wife not end up being the one who is demonized. She is still very "hurt". Comments of "she doesn't love you" and go find someone who will love you? Well, she is hurt and your actions caused that hurt to happen. I don't know how this turns into her being the bad guy. You also have to remember she is not in "your head", all she has to go by is your actions and how your actions not only hurt her but created her to feel she cannot "trust" you.

Funny how "you" are saying this about "her" when everything she is doing and saying to you is saying the very same thing. "I see him and all those emotions come back".

I am willing to bet she has said this from the moment she caught you cheating on her.

How nonchalant were you while you were texting that other woman "before" you got caught? How long would you have continued doing that had you not got caught?

What about what you did on the phone, were you "caring" about her at the time you were sneaking behind her back? She is showing you how it HURTS. Do you understand that when someone is hurt, and badly, they want revenge, what they want is the other person to know what it means to "feel" that hurt. It's called "being human".

I agree to a certain extent. I know my faults caused that and I admitted them. You are wrong on one thing. It's never right to sleep at another mans house PERIOD, friend or not, when you are married. She never told me about it.

Yeah, she should not have slept at his house that night. It's just not a good thing to do, especially when one is married.

I only have "your" side of how things are so I can't really criticize her and fault her. I do know how horrible if feels when a husband breaks the trust and spends time with another woman. And the problem you have is you did break her trust so with that she will wonder just how far you went with that other woman. At this point it doesn't matter what you say so much either because you did not admit any wrong until she caught you.

I just wanted you to see how things are on her end, I can't do much more without "her" side of the story. Keep that in mind when you are reaching out for advice. It sounds like you still love her and want to get back with her. Well, that means you are going to have to deal with the consequences of your actions. It's not so easy, as you are finding out. She "may" feel a little better though once she gets her RN degree.

I have a feeling she is trying to get you to feel how "hurt" she felt. Sounds like she was deeply hurt. Always remember, she is not in your head so she doesn't know how sorry you are, right now she is displaying what's in her head, and that's mistrust and hurt IMHO.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

A part of her is going to "hate" that man that hurt her for a long time, that doesn't go away. It's still very much in the present for her. When she talked about starting all over and dating for a while, what she meant by that is she needs a redo so she can see "if" there is anything left or there to love and trust once again. That means you can't think about what you had before, you really do have to prove yourself to her and that means you can't just expect to have a say about her life, just as you had no say when you started dating her initially. She is showing you "boundaries" so if you think some of her behaviors are wrong? Well, in her opinion at this point you don't have a right to deciding that. You are learning what "consequences" are.

You can choose to give up any time. I think that is why she is giving that to you. It's a test.

I just want to add here that you will be connected to her always because the children belong to both of you.

At some point you will need to sit down and talk about how the interactions between the two of you are affecting the children. Always remember you are a father and don't think of your time with your children as just babysitting. Get to know them, sit and read to them, do things with them and love them as you ARE their father, no matter what happens between you and your wife.

Never allow feelings for your wife to keep you away from your children or from their events (like baseball).

I feel you are being Bias and are on her side.

Actually, I think they are just tryign to get you to see her side so perhaps you can figure out how to come about a reconciliation.

Texting as cheating?

Ignorant and definitely dumb, but infidelity? Hardly.

Thing is the punishment does not fit the crime.
And certainly doesn't justify her having another man in the family home or having their kids with her when she stayed at this other man's house.

Open, you describe it as though he actually had an affair, I believe he apologized and then they carried on.
If the issue had been so great then she should never have said that all was ok.
You don't get to accept the apology and then use their mistake as a stick to beat them with at any given opportunity. You say " this hurts too much I can't do this."
It isn't the what she has done, it's the way that it was done that is questionable. And speaks volumes about her character.

Once again I reiterate, service marraiges are bloody hard work and they require a certain maturity and depth of character.
I totally understand your trying to explain her perspective, but if you want to keep going back over history Have you given any consideration to what pushed him to be texting this other woman in the first place.
He obviously loves his wife, and his family. So what was so wrong that he felt it necessary to reach out to someone else?

You can't make excuses for one side without consideration for the other. And to be honest it could go back and forth indefinitely.

He was away for long periods of time, it's the job, did she write every week even if she couldn't always get a reply. Did she send care packages, send pictures from the kids.
It's hard being married to someone who's job comes first, but she knew what he did and made the commitment anyway.
I don't think she knew how hard it would be or how much it takes to keep things together while they are away.
Or how long it can take for some to adjust back to civilian life.
My point is I don't think this is just about text messages, I think it has more to do with her realising this isn't where she wants to be for the rest of life. That there is more for her out there and she wants the chance to discover it for herself.
Again, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting any of that, but there are ways you do things, and ways you don't.

Dad, hope your hanging in there, If my PM wasn't helpful I apologise.
But do try taking things just a day at a time, and I have a couple of grounding techniques I can share if you feel your anxiety is overwhelming.
Take care.

OE, IMO, you trying to explain away his wife's callousness is really not helping.

If I am having trouble swallowing what you're posting, then I can only imagine what the OP is experiencing when reading your interpretation of his wife's POV.

TBH, I think its overkill at this point, but that's just my opinion.

DadFMF, I'm really sorry this thread has taken some negative twists and turns, but I've been here for a good couple of years and believe the intent is genuinely to help, no matter how misguided some posts come across.

I hope you continue to heal on your journey.

I think there are kinder, more supportive, and more effective ways to make a point than to use exceedingly hurtful words in caps and/or bold face.

You are right Bill3, I am glad you caught that because I was thinking more about some of the things he put up that his wife said and how much he wanted to know what her thoughts might be. Honestly, some of what he posted that she said hit a place in myself that I experienced and got into my post. I am glad you made a comment because I did have a lot of anger surface from my own history in my post. I am glad I saw your post and got a chance to delete my post, I would not want to leave that like that. I did save my post for myself so I can step back and pick through it and possibly share things leaving out my own anger/hurt that surfaced in thinking about how "hurt" can cause "change' in someone.

(((((OpenEyes)))))

Thank you so much for this amazing post.

I too have posted here when my emotions had the better of me. And then regretted it.

Again, my texting was wrong but in no way did I bring my children around another person, physically slept at another person of the opposite sex with my children

Dad, I don't think anyone would disagree with you that taking your kids to another man's house so she could stay over, was way over the line

I agree with you. Just have to move on with my life. I been back 3 months and she is not making any strides to improve our marriage. She basically is saying if I'm unhappy that I can file for divorce but then it makes me feel like why isn't she just doing it. I just don't want to give up too soon but it's getting better for me day to day now. I'm eating and not as stressed out anymore but I do still miss the thought of being with her and having my family back