Marriage separation after deployment

Agree! And no response. Let her play her games by herself until she grows up

( Just checking up on you to see how you are)

Thanks everyone, I am doing ok. It all just sucks. Trying to keep myself occupied with working out, softball and spending time with my kids but I miss female companionship. It's just rough

It's so good to hear of you having a high level of interest in your relationship with the kids, especially with her striking me as being more into herself than she is into those kids. You build a life around those kids, and the you will be rewarded richly in years to come.

It is rough to have family time without a mother at the heart of things. That's how families, ideally, are supposed to be. But life has dealt you a different hand. There are women out there who could be a part of this and complete the picture, but finding one of them is the challenge. Just don't let yourself get tangled up with another hard@$$ed, self-absorbed female. You got to be on the hunt for a woman with a good heart . . . . maybe someone with a child of her own who's been hurt as you were. It's got to be someone special. Don't waste time with someone who falls short. Move on.

This is a very tough time for you to get through. Just be glad you're not wasting more effort and years with someone who is not committed to you. Somewhere out there is a woman who needs you and needs to be needed by you. Be very discriminating in who you spend your time with.

I think, in the past, you may have let women pick you. They did to meet their own agenda. Take charge. Along the way, some women may pass through your life who are okay to spend a night with. You have to ruthlessly move on, if a woman is not fitting in with your kids and is all about herself.

Yes . . . it's lonely, now. Find out what's out there. This could be the beginning of a better life for you. I'm glad you are working out . . . taking care of yourself. Let others know you are in the market for a good person to build a future with.

Rose thank you 4 this. I did not recall DadFMF wife's age. Young mid lifers can be affected from as early as 45, but she is younger, isn't she? DadFMF's 1st post included similar events to my own, hence my use of the word crisis as I was uncertain about what she was actually going through. She 'seemed' to be in crisis like my own spouse. (who is older!)

One cannot have a mid life criss if one is not yet in mid life (!!) That's the transition time for reflection before moving onto elder life stage. And she's 'not there yet'!

The more I read, and your post above in particular just now, the more inclined I am to believe that she really is manipulative, callous & self centered Thank you for your insight.

DadFMF, I have said it before, she did you a favour. Whenever people are hurtful to us (for whatever reason), it isn't healthy anyway. Prepare yourself, the more she is ignored, the more she is likely to contact you (probably part curiosity & part needing to know what's up re: you, as that keeps her in control) ... Ignore her. Work on you. I wish you all the best as you navigate this new chapter in your life.

Take care of yourself. You are the life jacket for your kids as in the airplane analogy.

hi

These facts about military marriages will help you save your marriage, because they bring insight and understanding to military relationships. These tips are based on research about marriages in the military, deployment, and divorces.

Military spouses marry younger and earlier

Military spouse will change during his deployment

The government – military service – deliberately encourages marriage

Deployment is easier if you have a strong support network

hope so it will help you thanks

Hi, I think that since ppl. change relative to conditions, circumstances & growing problems, that it is unlikely that they could objectively help themselves sometimes. The situation could become volatile.

Therefore, if one spouse is willing to get help & the other is unwilling to do what it takes - if even TO TRY (!!) to save marriage by getting help, then the interested party cannot simply be left in the 'twilight zone' until ???? what ??? exactly? until when ?? (Because in the meantime, TIME is passing - & one may be living/planning life, while the other has put life on hold indefinitely waiting & waiting for spouse to return)

The reasons for the issues may be military (as in this case) or something else .. but if the two are not actively working in the interest to save marriage & one is indifferently moving on with their own life, the reasons will not make a difference

What is needed is:
> Two hands to clap.
> And M. Counselling / therapy if the couple sees fit & agree together

Excellent point Jack (in bold) & welcome to PC!

Everybody is right. It's just hard to except. Knowing she's good friends with other men and she could do fun things with them but can't even make time for me. She was talking about going to a Sam Hunt concert and my kids seen her right in her planner. So I thought I would ask her to go with me. So I asked her and she said no. I asked her if she was going to the Concert with her friends she said no but she wrote it in her planner as of what my children told me. I just feel she's telling a bunch of lies and she moved on. It's just hard to except right now because it's really hard and I don't want to give up on our marriage. I don't have the Kerge to file for divorce because I'm not the one who wants the divorce. I know by the way she's been talking to me the past couple months and things will never be the same. But I did stop the the no contact rule. So if I stop talking to her for a while what do you guys think about that

I know everyone's answer is get over her, move on with your life and everything else. I know it's easy to say that from the outside looking in but we have children together we had great times together and all this happened right as I deployed so I'm not sure if it's a phase that she Zen, a midlife crisis or what. Or she just changed I don't know. That's why don't want to give up

Hello DadFMF,

I am really sorry to hear of your situation.

My father used to work overseas and spends just one month in a year to be with us. My mother was a school teacher and takes care of the 3 of us. They communicate everyday (this was before the Internet and all Apps for communications was possible) so they regularly mail each other every week, sends audio recorded messages via tapes (you know the old cassette tapes?) for them to feel closer even with the distance. I guess that they were both committed to the relationship because we finished high school and college without my father around and only having a mother who juggles everything from being a parent and also works during daytime. So we basically grew up without my father but they are about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary next year....

I think what I am saying is, it takes two to tango. If she needs space, give it to her but in the meantime, continue with your own personal development, including but is not limit to counselling, being a good father figure even if the kids see you only once in a while. If you still have hopes and still love her deeply, just take some time to let her resentment (as I can see she is punishing you for some things you did but, we cannot correct a mistake by making another mistake) go away. Are you still able to forgive her and take her back in your life if she still wants a relationship with you just in case? That is another question to ponder. If she is not willing to settle things with you. Don't push her but pray for her and for wisdom for you to make the right decision.

In order not to be overcomed by pessimism and sadness, you can also get into some other interesting activities your like. Maybe dancing, exercises, yoga, activities outside your work, join some social groups, spend time with your brothers and sisters (if you have) and parents, etc. just to keep your mind off things.

If you think you still love her and the marriage is still worth saving and you are prepared to accept her all over again, then give her space but on the other hand, with too many red flags, she is not in love with you anymore. You also have to be prepared to move on. I am deeply sorry for this.

I hope this helps a bit.

We must, at times, seem insensitive to the enormity of what you are going through. I, for one, want to apologize for doing that. If you could easily get over her and move on, then that would mean you weren't all that invested in this marriage. It's becoming even more clear that you truly went into this union for the long haul. I'm very touched that you see terminating your marriage as an absolute last resort. More people should go into marriage with that mindset. It would be a better country, if that were the case.

I guess we contributors to this thread are so appalled at the impression that we have of your wife that we want you to not lament loosing her. You need to grieve this and go through all the stages of grief - one of which is difficulty accepting that this is even happening. Take all the time you need. There's no law says you have to file for divorce now. I know a man who waited five years to get divorced, despite having moved on to a new woman. Just be sure and get sufficient legal counsel to protect your interests. If you want to leave it to her to file, I see nothing wrong with that. Just have an attorney advise you about any repurcussions of doing or not doing anything . . . especially as it effects your finances and the kids.

As far as your wife being good friends with other men . . . . I have profound doubt about her capacity for friendship. I think you've been pretty straight with us, even trying to blame yourself and you being away for the collapse of this marriage. Half of all marriages do end. There just seems to be so many indications that your wife has not been a stand-up person in how she has handled everything pertaining to her separating from you. Any woman, or man, has a right to decide that their marriage was a mistake and that they need out. But there are ways of going about it that show one is an adult. And decent women don't look to emotionally demolish the man who is father to their children. So we feel bad for what you are going through. Your wife seems to have a major flaw in her character. These "friendships" that she is striking up may be more superficial than you are in a position to know. What kind of guy sees nothing wrong in a woman whose husband is deployed running around like she's been doing? These guys she's been connecting with must be of a mentality that I don't even want to conjecture about. It may seem like she's having a ball for herself right now. However, nothing about how she operates is what it takes to lay the groundwork for real friendship. So don't assume that she has something wonderful going on. She's building on sand, IMHO. It may seem like she's got it all going on. But hardtimes come along for everyone. Sooner or later, the unexpected happens. That's the one thing we can all depend on.

But you don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with. No need for a rush in any direction. Those kids seem to trust you. They tell you things. I don't think that Mom is as tight with those kids as she claims to be. They are looking for who they can depend on. You be that person, however things go with the marriage.

DadFMF
I would ask her to go with me. So I asked her and she said no.
This was the WORST thing you could have done - the more you reach out to her, the more she will emotionally distance & probably even disrespect you for it.

I went thro this - altho of different reasons b/c your wife's age was not noted by me. I was reading much of her reaction b/c I related to it so very much!

I believe that Rose (?), above had mentioned that this was was NOT midlife. You have to be midlife to have (!!) a midlife crisis - it is the 'number of years & ALL its contents' that finally surface - i.e., what happened in that person's life up to midlife. In many cases it's 'a life gone wrong' that becomes a life worth scrutinizing, re examining & consequently blaming others, due to anger when one is running out of time. I brough this up b/c you mentioned it again & as Rose indicated, you are going through a crisis due to the shock of this horrible reality. One you could not expect.

To reiterate:

• Do NOT ask her anything. You are not helping this situation.
• She IS dishonest with you - BIGTIME. you said "bunch of lies"
• This marriage is over.

re: >> did stop the the no contact rule. So if I stop talking to her for a while what do you guys think about that << This thread already answered that question.

• You are in shock, maybe denial since you are still attached & holding on.
• Please get a network to SUPPORT you (re jacck123) during your time of loss. You have lost your family unit as you knew it, lost your wife ... you need support

I did exactly the same, reaching out, hoping, not wanting to let go or give up - & I suffered even more for it. You felt betrayal, you will note my name coming in to this forum. I too felt "profound" betrayal. The more I reached out, the worse it became, it was torture ... boy am I different today! Never thought I could rationalize like this, although I still have my ups/downs, my sadness ... ! I am different. Less controlled by the trauma of my experience.

You are in an 'emotional washing machine' ... on high, full load, with scorching hot water - DO NOT reach out to her. Get support instead. It would look much clearer with support & after sometime.

I know it is NOT easy. You took the hit - suddenly. I am sorry about what you are going thro every time I read this. But reaching out to her when she doesn't really want you is the worst thing you can do.

• Get support.
• Take care of you (this will be good for you & kids).
• Improve yourself/your life.
• Feel what you must - find a way to give your feelings expression (journalling worked for me, but the gym might 4 you?? Or something else?? Find it!
• Listen to music YOU LIKE. Turn up the volume a bit when you are doing chores - sing out loud to it if you #$$%%$^^& feel to - but DO NOT contact her. In other words - finds avenues to support taking attention AWAY from her.
• DISTRACT (**below) /protect yourself from the very strong imposing emotions that are bombarding you - go /get OUT. Do 'stuff'. Surround yourself with those who DO WANT YOU ! Those who love you, non-toxic people who leave you feeling good, not bad!

**Distraction - find it!!

• Hobbies/interests.
• Walk/Exercise/Gym
• Shows, Concerts .. anything!
• Doodling ..anything!
• Venting on forum
• Socializing - GOOD friends, family (tell the ones you feel emotionally safe with that you are having a hard time & to 'excuse you sometimes' let them know that "you are TRYING & that it takes time. & 2 bear with ya"
• 'SNAP' - received from another poster, will locate & post 4 you (it may/may not be for you (?), but you can check it out

The idea is to replace the negatives, 'fill those spaces' with positives (positive psy suggests that it takes 3 - 4 positives to replace 1 negative experience/emotion. Thats why its so very hard to snap out of negative thoughts, emotions when we are going thro so much, although positive is more sustainable over a long period of time, it is the negative that is strong (!), up front, FIRST & foremost & vying for attention All faulty 'wiring' - yup, its evolution yet again!!! ) We were wired for this in the past ...

Now, young man, get out & LIVE!!!

• had great times? - thats exactly what I thought too in my own situation. "had" - past tense
• midlife ? - answered, reply above. It's NOT as Rose indicated. you are holding on to 'false hope' & an explanation for this painful outcome. You are trying to cope .. Sadly, reality is very, very different! Get busy for your own good!
• not giving up? she has. things HAVE CHANGED. you are NOT dealing with the same dynamic or situation, you are dealing with a phantom. Things have CHANGED

Here is the info. that I mentioned in my reply before this, as promised.

Re 'SNAP' Dated 07-28-15.
Originally Posted by vital
I have advice, profound. To feel brave and to heal from depression, reconnect with your inner power. Have a look

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

You might find this handy also:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

Now, GET OUT & LIVE!!!

Rose this resonated with me - because this was my experience.
(hi DadFMF, not high jacking thread - it's just so relevant)

Re 'Character'
And decent women don't look to emotionally demolish the man who is father to their children. So we feel bad for what you are going through. Your wife seems to have a major flaw in her character.

Time will not be kind to her - she really has no foundation.

My own spouse is trying with me & in the interest of the family (which I have not entirely ruled out). However, it is as I was told - sometimes things 'get inverted' ... & now I am the one who is wondering if I want to live with such a person for the rest of my life, and he is the one who wants to try! All those women (all "better", & younger than me), have not come through b/c they were all shallow & superficial to begin with.

I wanted to end the marriage b/c he would not agree to marriage counselling (my deal breaker) and now he's on board! We are not out of the woods yet, but space & time has improved 'my vision' & helped me to emotionally detach from him

Profound Betrayal: so you're considering getting back with a man who dumped you for a string of flooseys because - now - he's ready to go to counseling, and you want to do something "in the interest of the family." You sure have an awful lot on your own plate to sort out. All your vehemence about what the OP should do lies atop what strikes me as a gushing wellspring of confusion on your part . . . along with you not coming to terms with the realities of your own situation.

It never ceases to amaze me the power that's attributed to "counselling" as a way to get people to be how we want them to be. "Counseling," IMO, is the most overrated process that Western Civilization has ever come up with.

(So not agreeing to marriage counseling was the "deal breaker." The flooseys were a secondary concern. That, IMO, is putting the cart before the horse.)

Hi there,
Re: >> so you're considering getting back with a man who dumped you for a string of flooseys <<

well it really isn't that simple Rose
I had communicated with a support group not long after I began here. Much was confidential & I also felt that my posts at the time could be discovered through a mutual contact.

My situation isn't DadFMF's. I was dealing with mid life crisis. Employment, milestone birthday, compounded by illness. I spoke with a support group with the same problems. They informed me! I had no idea of what I was dealing with before. And their predictions were 'more or less spot on' ... The behaviour (qu. "string of flooseys" etc ) was template midlife behaviour. It wasn't unique & many shared the same experiences. For one period in my life, all seemed ok, & then it suddenly (!) changed & 'flooseys were it!' This was unlike ppl. who were habitual cheaters.

What I learnt was that the behaviour did not always have to do with the betrayed spouse. These could be unresolved issues manifesting itself as destructive behaviour. It wasn't 'personal' Sooner or later the mid-life spouse would figure it out & I noted that many did as I accumulated info.

They all felt initially invincible. Felt that what 'was out there was better' than what they had at home, they all demonized the spouse when it fact they carried guilt, shame & demonizing gave them permission to do what they wanted. Their emotional fuel would burn out ... (?) But it wasn't like that of habitual cheaters re consistency.

I have in fact observed a gradual 'settling down' of my spouse. Since this did not seem to be a 'straightforward infidelity case with the habit of cheating, but something else, I communicated with my group. I communicated with people who had experience with midlife crisis and waited.

Counselling is to address any issues, unmet needs that typically surface later in life ... if the relationship can be salvaged because the problems are not simply infidelity but a larger issue, then it might be worth a go! "in the interest of the family" - maybe my semantics are no good. Not all of us can communicate effectively & convey what we mean. Maybe we are tired at the time or stressed - I am interested in my family unit - no shame in that. And this entire forum is based on the premise of some kind of couselling. So why not??

The behaviour I encountered when the crisis first began seems like a phase today. My husband has not gone bar hopping or gone out for sometime.
This is far from settled but 'the 17 yr old' mid life criss spouse who took off to have a good time. He is working again (! - a huge part of the problem) & spending more & more time with "his kid" (initially he had no interest). He even asks me out like old times - that didn't happened either!

I know my marriage went up in smoke. This is checking on the possibility of a new improved relationship IF that possibility exists. Some in my support group - although few, have reunited with their spouses. Had his behaviour not begun to change, I wouldn't be around.

>>you sure have an awful lot on your own plate to sort out.<<
I know I have a lot on my own plate. My support group is aware of my struggles & issues (I may even have contributed to spouse's frustration - if yes, I have to take ownership, that is why I went to therapy, & that is what I am trying to work out).

My husband was always resistant re therapy but in the end, it seemed like the only viable option because we clearly couldn't help ourselves without getting upset. I felt that since we were both emotional - that counselling would be good for objective direction & help.

>>attributed to "counselling" as a way to get people to be how we want them to be.<<
I NEVER tried to get my husband to be 'the way I wanted' You are NOT aware of the details of my husbands or my past. ALL of that information was NOT posted publicly. I wanted us both to identify & deal with our past & communicate our issues so that we could have a healthy relationship.
That's why if he chose to come with me, that was great. After many volatile arguments, we didn't seem to have too many options re solutions.
- again, so much of the "Psych Central" site is related to "counselling!"

I'm not trying to change him - I am just trying to resolve what we misunderstand - trying to speak the same language, because the one we do speak is NOT working!

>> vehemence about what the OP should do <<
- comes from a place of understanding the OP's level of desperation I was also advised to get out there & live my life btw ...
- comes from trying to help - & to be well intentioned. to encourage That's it.

We all express things differently - maybe my language is ?? or style is offensive ??
Maybe the way I post isn't clear or effective.
Bear with me - I really do have a full plate & not everything has worked out
- as yet!

I am sorry if much was vague. It is as I said, my history & personal information was not 'public' as in www, so I do expect much of the information to read as 'gappy'.

Rose, Thanks as always for your response.

DadFMF, I'm not kidding. Staying 'in it' will drag you down - get out & live your life (!!), you feel better than if you 'stay put' just thinking about 'her'. Take care.

It's easier said than done. I hate the fact that 10 years I invested are gone

Time passes. Maybe it's better to learn her true nature now, rather than ten years into the future. You are still a man in your prime. You have two children who seem to think a lot of you.

You have ten years worth of experience in life that you didn't have ten years ago. Recently, it's been very painful experience. Let what you're going through now inform your relationships with women in the future. Sooner or later, there will be another woman. You can come out of this painful marriage with a more mature appreciation of what you need in a woman. Gaining maturity is never a waste of time. Usually it does involve pain.

I appreciate it. I don't think she wouldn't come back to me anytime soon. She seems to have other priorities than to make her marriage work. She just seems nonchalant about everything. We actually talked on the phone for an hour the other day (She called me out of nowhere) but it didn't seem to solve anything. She still isn't giving me the truth about everything. It just made me more upset that after 10 years she just can't be honest about things or atleast say she is sorry. I need to initiate the NO CONTACT with her, but it's hard when you have children involved. It just seem like the only time she wants to talk is if she needs me to watch our kids cause she has to work or so on so forth. It's never about our marriage. She told me that she didn't want to file for divorce but she would do a legal separation if it came down to it. That confused me as to why she would do that but not file for divorce. I know she wouldn't initiate that either though, cause it would have already been done by now if that was the case. I'm getting better day to day though. I think I'm almost at the acceptance stage in this whole fiasco. Can everyone give me tips on how to do the Bo Contact with kids? I don't want her to think that she can run over me, but I'm afraid if I say no to picking up my kids, I'll be viewed as a bad father or that I don't care. We have a schedule but there is legitimate times to where she has work or school(I verified) that she does need help. Plus my kids start up Baseball and it's going to be tough seeing her at games....I know it's easy to say be cordial and act like it doesn't bother you but it does bother me
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I know - most days will be rough but eventually they will get fewer & less so. I hope that you feel happier soon

It seems strange that your wife insists she has no interest in pursuing divorce, while she seems to have even less interest in being really married. The first thing I have to wonder is what financial considerations might be motivating her. She strikes me as someone who does nothing without a well-calculated set of reasons. (At least, well-calculated according to her own lights.)

Since the hour long conversation with her mainly just left you upset, then I would say don't get sucked into these long talks that go nowhere. I don't know ehat specifically to advise you about a "no contact" policy. It pretty much us impossible when you have children with thus woman and you love those children. A court sanctioned separation might help better order how care of the children is structured. It seems you've been very accomodating, even to the point of being taken advantage of. She sure can't think you're too bad of a guy to be this happy with turning the kids over to you on a frequent basis. They don't seem to mind either.

I'm glad you're getting to the "acceptance stage" of this whole miserable ordeal. I do hope you've gotten sound legal advice and helpful support from the counselor you mentioned seeing.

As for the "no contact," it probably boils down to you just cutting the conversation short with her when it isn't clearly about a need to update you on one, or other, of the kids. You also need to start having a life. You need to start dating again, also, if you haven't been. At the very least, have as much of a social life as you can arrange . . . and don't share with her what you're doing. It has become none of her business.

I've never had kids, so there's a lot I don't know. Don't let her use talking about the kids as a conversation opener just leading to her wanting to keep track of you. And you might want to not be overly interested in keeping track of her. She's not going to be honest about what she's doing.

This is a hard thing to go through, and she seems to not care about making it less painful for you. I wish I had more and better advice for you. You seem to be trying to do what's right. That's a good habit to get into, and your future will be the better for it. Take it day by day.

Dad, the reason she there waS no talk of your marriage during her call is because she has everything right where she needs it.
A compliant and free babysitter so she is free to go to work,or go out with her fella.
She isn't interested in progressing your marriage or fixing it. But as I have said before, denial is part of the grieving process so take all the time you need.
Just don't stop doing things for yourself.
Take care.

Profound, did you consider that his messing around has stopped because your separated and he no longer feels driven to go out and do these things.I might also be inclined to say cheating is something you are inclined to do or not. It rarely changes.
I find rarely does returning to the previous failed situation result in a new out come. Still all the best,

Also her calling you wasn't out of interest for you, it was to gauge where your at, how much you know and what if anything you were going to do about it.
Y our wife is obviously intelligent and perceptive, she wasn't reaching out she was on a fact finding mission.
Please at least learn to pull the barriers up if your going to be in contact with her.
For your own sake.

How does everyone here know what her thoughts are?

Sorry. I just...don't.

I don't know very much about the military - but just thought of something I heard re: the spouse of police officer. That wife is in no hurry to get divorced from husband because of the benefits that come with his job.

Could this be similar? That she may not want to legally divorce because she could benefit from perks as military wife?

re: kids. Is there someone like a close relative who can take the kids for you? I did same re my sibling who did not want to see her husband. I was the 'hand over lady'

The baseball thing is definitely a lot tricker. I have no ideas re this, Im sorry.

In a similar situation though, I might increase personal space at the game - "widen the circumference."
Maybe, explain to the kids that daddy has already spoken to mommie & this is their time with mommie .. "before we head home"
(as they fritter about excitedly telling her whatever).

If puzzled, let them know you both love them very much and that issues for children and those for adults are a bit different, & when they get older they will understand. And that right now, all they really need to do is focus on learning, school & their extracurricular act. - e.g. baseball. Just 'typing aloud' here.

Use that time to make any outstanding calls .. (??) "You guys talk to mommie while daddy takes care of a few things, when you're done, Im right here .. "

I am happy to hear that the acceptance stage is materializing for you. The shock will wear off bit by bit.