Marriage separation after deployment

I agree Sophiesmom, she is not being upfront, honest or straight forward with me. I know I made mistakes and she has as well. No one is perfect. It's just not right to have me around as a safety net with the feeling of being in Limbo. It's been over 14 months since we lived together if you count the 9 months I was gone on deployment. I asked numerous times to go to counseling with me or if she wanted a divorce or not. I just need to know what direction we are heading too. If she is not in love with me no more, or doesn't want to staybmarried, just be honest and upfront and say it instead of "Do whatever you feel you have to do". She makes random hints about co parenting and stuff like that, and that she is focused on work,school and kids but she doesn't have time for us. She sure has time for her friends though. I just want some closure, is that to much to ask?? Or should I stay in limbo and assume things cause she is not saying anything to me or giving me straight answers? What else am I suppose to think? She never mentioned reconciliation

Well, I would not count in the 9 months you were away. However, I think the fact that you can be called away for so long like that where she is left alone is part of what she doesn't like about the relationship.

Honestly, I don't know if I would want that kind of relationship. That's very hard on a relationship. And you can, at any time get deployed for a lengthy time correct? Didn't I see you say somewhere in this thread that you are getting deployed again soon? How long are you signed up for?

She married into the military lifestyle. She knew I was Military before we started dating. It wasn't a secret and I deployed before while married to her. It's was different this time cause she was a stay at home mom last time and this time she had "Friends" who brought out negative influences. I'm not about to deploy again and I retire in 2 years. When you get married, you are together for better or for worse. Me being in the military doesn't excuse this type of behavior. If she dont want to be married just say "I don't want to be married anymore, let's divorce" instead of playing games with my emotions

Ok, thank you for letting me know that you have been in the military a while.
If you don't mind my asking, how old is your wife?

She is 34 years old currently in RN school and working.

Ok, thanks. So, you were married when she was only 24. She was an at home mom, played house and now has a big desire to change her life and be more independent. She is still trying to finish Nursing school and if she's going to be an RN that's a lot of studying and takes a lot of focus.

If I remember she talked about how she would prefer to begin dating you before making her mind up. So, have you ever asked her out for a date? Maybe you need to romance her again. She clearly doesn't want her old life, she wants something different and she doesn't want the old you that was part of her old life, so maybe you need to change things up and romance her.

Sometimes a woman really wants to feel romanced and wanted, especially at her age where she is getting older and may want more than just being a mom and wife. Probably a part of her does love you, but is waiting to see if you will show growth and be creative and romance her. What were you looking for when you were flirting with that woman online until you got caught? When someone starts doing that stuff, something is missing in the relationship, maybe you were bored too and needed someone to tell you you are hot or sexy or whatever it was that drew you to doing what you did. When a husband's eye wanders and he flirts, that is a real hit to a woman's ego and can set in a concern that changes a woman's sense of safety and become aware of their age and worry about being stuck or left past one's prime.

We had become like roommates, work and take care of the kids. We really never set time aside just for us to build a better foundation. I do admit that I have some changes that I need to make as a man. Maybe I am a little controlling at times and that's what's pushing her away more. Maybe I just need to cut communication and give her time and space. We have children so it's not that easy. In my heart I know she still loves me but she is definitley not showing it right now. I broke her trust and I have to get that trust back. Just have to figure out how

If you really want her back simply give her what she wants, and you may well succeed.
Accept her as she is now, accept she wants to be free to do her own thing without having to explain. Be the stay at home dad, or help with majority of childcare, whichever is most doable.
Most of all stop asking her to explain herself. The woman you see now has changed beyond all recognition of the woman you married.
She won't turn back,at least not anytime soon. And neither she should if this is more to her liking.
Stick around, do as she asks and be happy and non judgmental about it. And eventually you will have her back to some degree.
But it's not going to be the way it was.
If you Love her, then just let her get on with it and be their when she needs you.
She will work it out in her own time...all you can do is wait. There is no figuring out why. And tbh it doesn't matter, you want her back then accept who she is now, stop trying to shoehorn her into explaining why, and work your life to fit around hers.
You want her back but only if....?
There is no 'only If' she is who she is and that's fair enough. Just accept her and her new friends if necessary.
She still loves you and your certain she does, just accepting who she is and letting go what she has done should be enough to give you a starting point.
All the best.

I agree. I have to accept her for her and who she is now. As long as boundaries are set and respect is still intact. To sleep at another mans house with my children is unacceptable under any circumstance. What if I brought my children to another woman's house to sleep? If she slept with someone else, I'm sure I will not be able to accept that.

I think this is more productive because what you are doing here is describing what was, and that you were also bored with it (so was she). It's also good that you have recognized that perhaps you are too controlling, that's important.

I doubt she is sleeping/having sex with this other man who is married. I bet that what she likes is how he engages her intellectually which I bet you don't and didn't which can happen when a marriage turns into the couple just being room mates. Also, it's not bad that she is spending time with friends or going out with friends. This is something she needed and it's stimulating her. If a woman is stuck being an at home mom, after a while that gets boring.

I think, as I have mentioned that what your wife is saying the most is "I am NOT going back, I want to have a life too, and I want to have a career and my friends that keep me "in the world" and I don't want to just be a wife and mother with a controlling husband.

I think it's important that you think about the conversations you typically had with her too. How was conversation different when you began having that online relationship? Your wife is spending time having lots of "talks/conversations" with this married man. I don't think she loves him or even wants to engage in sex, what she loves is the conversation and her feeling free to have that.

What are you pursuing now with her, what she will or will not do because "you" don't want to struggle emotionally not knowing right? Well, maybe she loves you but is bored with you. Couples that "play" together stay together, your being roomates was not "playing" together.

You "Play" when your single. It's not healthy going out and opening up to another man, especially one that lets you sleep at his house numerous times only when his wife is not around. Like I said, there are boundaries you don't cross. What if I did that too her? She would be in the exact position I am. If she wants the freedom of being single, then be single! I never said she couldn't have friends but some thing are unacceptable when you are married. Would your spouse approve of you having one on one time with a person of the opposite sex? Would you sleep at their house with your spouse knowing? She kept ALL that from me. Trust is a double edge sword

I wanted to add something too, I am older now and was thinking back at where I was at that age and it's around that age that I started my own business. I loved being a mom, but I also wanted to do other things.

Now women are more career oriented too, it's not like the old days where a lot of women were always more stay at home and they built their lives around that which even sometimes included being more of a mother to the husband than having a "play together , growing and learning, sharing that too" relationship.

The more I think about some of the her behaviors that you have described? I really think she definitely doesn't want to EVER go back to the relationship you did have together. She said, "I gave you 10 years". Well, I think what that is really saying is "I want to be more than just that and I want to get educated and be independent and grow in that too". Independent doesn't mean "single" either, it means having a sense of freedom to grow and earn money and "not" depend on the partner so much.

You are not understanding the "play" I am describing.

I would not like the staying over part either, especially how she includes the children. HOWEVER, that may be her way of controlling this relationship from getting intimate and her way of not being completely alone with this man.

Remember, I am not getting "her" side of this challenge. I am doing the best I can and not just assuming something bad about her. I don't want to encourage something that may not be there in her.

What does trouble me though is how your wife's trust was broken in you when she caught you interacting online with another woman. Yet, she is spending time with this man that is seeing her behind HIS wife's back. Is she not seeing that she is spending time with a man that is more willing to go further than you did? That man should not be having a woman at his home to stay over night when his wife is not there. That man is NOT respecting his wife's boundaries which is saying an awful lot about his trustworthiness.

Maybe you could write her a letter about how you are sorry for what you did even though you did not take things further than you did. Yet, show confusion about how you simply don't understand how she could trust a man that is doing much worse to his wife than you ever thought of doing. And you could say, "I love you and care about you and if you decide you don't want to stay married, I have to say that I am concerned for your well being if you were to go any further with this other man that has the capability of hurting you by being deceptive as he is with his wife. Tell her, "I don't understand how you could respect someone who would go that far either".

You could also add in that you are actually proud of her for getting her nursing degree and you do understand that she is just at the point in her life where she wants to be more than just a mommy and a wife and you respect that.

I have written her a card the month I came home to apologize for the wrongdoings on my part of the marriage. I had mentioned it before about this guy who cheats on his wife but she simply says "That's none of my business what he does" so she clearly doesn't care. I understand that it's healthy to get out every now and then to get away and have fun with your friends but One on One with a person of the opposite sex is always a recipe for diseaster unless that person is homosexual. Now if it where a big group it would be acceptable.

I done my wrong and I admit it, I texted another woman because I felt distant from my wife. We should have went to marriage counseling sooner to get a better perspective on how we where both feeling and what we could have done to make our marriage stronger. Marriage counseling was never brought up back then and then again, I didn't think I would have been getting separated while I was deployed 3,000 miles away. I just feel the way everything went down was wrong. No time table, boundaries or anything has been established in the separation. I do t know if she's seeing other people or. It. I do know she has guy friends now from her social media that she blocked me from now

Well, marriage is not easy, it's not easy because a lot of people get married young, early twenties and a person does grow a lot during their twenties. It's not unusual to love someone, yet outgrow them. No one plans it either. Don't be hard on yourself for looking back and seeing some things you should have done. A lot of people go through that where they look back and see the problems that they somehow missed.

From what I am reading, you and your wife have become "strangers", you grew apart gradually not really realizing it. Truth is, life changes us gradually whether we like it or not. The woman you married is not the woman you see now either. She has grown and changed over those ten years and from what you have been describing, she doesn't want to go back to who she was before, it was not fulfilling for her. She must have felt trapped too. That can happen when your partner is just a room mate and then goes away and one is left alone. Even though one marries into the military life, that doesn't mean that kind of life is fulfilling enough.

I agree with you in that some of her choices are not wise or healthy. Yet, what I am also reading from what you shared is how much she doesn't want "you" to have any say in what she chooses to do. Honestly, its a lot like when a child is ready to leave home and no longer wants the parents to tell them what to do anymore. One can love a parent yet at the same time want to get away from that parent telling them what to do and even to have to report where one is going, for how long, and with whom.

If a person goes right from living at home and into a marriage, the chances of their coming to a point where they want more freedom is more likely to happen too. That desire to break free from having someone else controlling is often what breaks up marriages. It's something a lot of couples don't necessarily understand on a conscious level either. This often does happen in the early thirties too.

I saw this article and thought it had some good points in it that you can gain some insight from. If your marriage does end up in divorce, it would be beneficial for you to see the mistakes that happened and think about "if" you eventually find a new relationship how to make sure you don't make the same mistakes.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...o-an-early-end

It would be helpful for you to do some research that might help you make a decision on a more logical level instead of feeling like you are doomed to suffer emotionally the way you are now.

This is both our second marriages. If she doesn't want it to work or moved on, she just needs to talk me she wants a divorce instead of playing games

So she married you when she was 24, how old was she when she had the first marriage?

Married me when she was 26. We been married 8 years together 10. What's funny is im actually at her house now!!! She's in the other room and I'm with my kids, as I was dropping them off. She said she wasn't feeling well and asked if I can Bring her something to eat in which I did. She texted me before dropping off the kids if I wanted to come inside I can. Since I been here she hasn't said a word to me. Just feels weird and I'm not sure really how I should feel. I'm happy I'm around her though.

First time I been around her since I been back 5 months. I texted her since she is in the other room and asked her when she wanted me to leave as I didn't want to overstay my welcome. She never responded back. It's just ackward we haven't talked or anything since I been over here.

Can't blame you for feeling awkward. You are certainly not a mind reader. Did you get her something to eat yet? Maybe just text her and ask her what she would like you to get her to eat.

I brought her food when I came to drop the kids off. That's when she invited me in her home. I asked her when she wanted me to leave via text since we haven't talked since I been here. She didn't respond to when.