Marriage separation after deployment

You will always have your children. Keep them as your top priority!

Bill, theybalways have been. I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes, but I can't live with you

Sometimes we do love someone but can't live with them or establish a working partnership/relationship with that person. It sounds like your wife simply doesn't know what she wants.

Dad, I still love my ex, even though he put me in the hospital,abducted my son and lots of other horrible stuff.
I love him as the father of my children.
I love him as the man I met 17 years ago.
But that man doesn't exist. Nor does the woman I was then.
I could not,would not, ever go back to him. Because I don't love or even like, nor am I attracted to the man he is now. And vice versa, no doubt.

It's the love I feel for family is how i feel for him. You don't choose your family but you love them all the same.
For me it's a lot like that.

I am sorry, I wish she was giving you clearer messages.
There are many reasons she may not want to file for divorce.
Reasons of practicality, money,appearances or maybe she is worried what her family will say.
All of the above.
It doesn't benefit her, so why do it?
She is a smart woman and knows clearly what she wants, or at least that's how it comes across.
Perhaps it's a facade,perhaps not.
Who knows.
Stay focused and grounded, take your time, only do what you can manage.
Do something for yourself each day.
Take care. All the best.

She texted me last night.....She said "If you would like, maybe over my spring break next week we can sit down and talk"....now I'm confused. I thought she pretty much said what she had to say. Curious as to what and how this conversation will go. It will be the first one on one conversation we had in person since I been back stateside

You'll learn the most about what's going on inside her mind, if you let her do the talking. Practice the fine art of being cordially interactive, while basically saying nothing. If she starts quizzing you, clam up. You've already told her where you stand and what you have hoped for. Something tells me she's looking for some kind of information from you. She's not planning this meeting to pour out her heart to you.

In a conversation, often, the person asking the questions is trying to be in control. The person answering the questions, often, is being dominated.

There may be something she wants to do with the children that she needs your permission for. Any chance she might be wanting to leave the area to go somewhere?

Fingers crossed for you Dad, whatever happens I hope it lifts the cloud you feel your walking through.
Maybe write a list of things you need to ask,, or say, keep it in your pocket, hopefully just having it there will remind you if you feel you have missed anything.
By all means hope for the best, but please also consider the worst, so your not left blindsided.
All the best as always Dad.

Hi DadFMF,
I see that a lot has transpired here! (btw - I have been working - a lot !!).

Wish you the best re: meeting with your wife.
I hope that the outcome of your conversation will be civil & constructive ...

I would be confused too and probably ignore her lol. I don't know the whole story but it seems she's displayed that she has nothing nice to say to you and basically uses you and throws you around depending on her mood at the time.

Well, we never did talk. She is still as cold as she was when I came home. I been back now for 4 months from deployment. All the of the stuff my kids told me that happened while I was deployed she still lies about and says it didn't happen. My kids told me last night they met up with the guy from her class and ate dinner with him (Mind you this guy is married). I was told by her mother that she doesn't want to go back to the way it was and the way I am acting is making he feel that she is handling her life as she doesn't see changes in me...I just need to know if I should give up. I do admit I been kind of pushy with everyone cause I'm frustrated, confused and there seems to be a lot of lies. I'm definitely not happy and it sucks to be separated. Does anyone have any tips for me? She is also being controlling with the schedule I have with my kids. I don't mind having my kids as much as I want but the schedule is never stable as I need time after work to attend appointments ect. I just feel she is over it but there is alsos that shot at hope that things will work out and I can have my family back again. I'm getting to the point where I don't think it will happen and I don't know what else to do. It's frustrating when I get my kids and they talked about going out to eat with this guy, the guy whonmybwife slept at his house with my kids, hung out with while I was deployed ect. I been married 8 years and at 10 she rates half my military retirement. I have to make a decision soon

Perhaps this helps explain her unwillingness to file for divorce right now?

Please speak with your attorney about what to do to protect your pension from her predation.

What evidence in her behavior so far gives any reason at all to think that things will work out?

If you divorce there will be a set schedule that both parties need to adhere to.

I have to admit that this comment angers me. Here is a woman who saw, and continues to see another man, a married one no less, with your children in tow, and she complains that you need to change?

That's a post worth re-reading. (from Bill3)

I was wondering how you made out, sorry that you never got to have that talk.

One of the things I find so unhealthy is how your children are exposed to this dysfunction. Your children don't know "what" to think about this situation and all they really want is for their family to fit back together and function so they no longer have to be stuck in limbo and stress about what will happen with their mommy and daddy.

Your wife is also being selfish when it comes to the children because they really don't understand what is going on when she drags them with her to stay overnight with this other man who is married or that he spends time at their home. To top that off they are being put in the middle in that they are reporting what they are seeing to you and you get confused and angry and they see you want to fix this and you are trying and it's not working.

It's getting to the point where your wife is being selfish and the rest of her family is left in limbo and this really is not "fair" to the children. It's wrong that your children tell you what they are witnessing and your wife insists on denying this too. The is SO BAD for children to be exposed to. What this boils down to in them is "mommy and daddy don't love me enough to think about how this is hurting me". This most definitely creates life time challenges, what you need to do is make it a point to get your wife aware of this FACT. These childhood experiences are what contribute to borderline personality disorder, anxiety issues and depression, this is a fact so you and your wife HAVE TO settle this for your children that definitely don't deserve the STRESS this is causing them to experience. Your children "do" see how your wife is cold and angry and distant and it's hurting them in ways they don't deserve. Children don't have the life skills to handle any of this.

Open eyes, I agree. I told her that we needed to come to some sort of conclusion so we can move past this, cause it's hurting the children. She said "They are fine", but I beg to differ. I'm at the point now where it might be best we end it and move on with our separate lives. I really tried to make amends, offered counseling and everything else but she is still rude, cold and belittling towards me and I don't deserve it

I would trust you to consider those kids more than I would trust her. You seem to have sincerely tried to meet your wife way more than half way. No matter what gripe she may have from the past, there is no need for her to be "rude, cold and belittling" when you have offered to do everything humanly possible to make amends. She seems to have irrevocably decided that she places no value on the marriage. But she plays this headgame of not being willing to admit she wants to end things . . . but she has ended things. It's exasperating. It's insincere. All I can guess is there must be some financial incentive to postponing divorce.

If you're ready to accept that the marriage is over, then it totally makes sense to come to a legal resolution of the matter - one that clearly sets up responsibilities, rights, expectations. I believe it will give the children a more secure sense of what to expect.

Your children will learn a lot watching how their parents resolve this. It's not good for them to see you role modeling letting their mother play you for a fool. A good woman wouldn't want her kids seeing that either. Even women I've known who had excellent reasons for leaving a marriage usually tried to uphold their ex's dignity in their children's eyes. I forget the gender of your children. If you have a son, he is building his concept of manhood, watching you. He can emotionally survive his parents' divorce. But it would be damaging for him to get the sense that "My mom's making an @$$ of my dad, and my dad is just taking it." Then he's likely to go in one of two directions: One would be where he decides that "I don't want to be anything like my dad and have a woman treat me the same way someday." or he decides that "I guess, if a woman wants to crap on you, there's nothing you can do, but just suck it up." It's not unhealthy for kids to see some parental conflict. All kids see a certain amount. Kids need to see conflict resolved in a way that teaches: both parents have rights that deserve respect. This is where the court system can be instrumental in acting as a fair arbiter and enforcer of justice. Seeing that play out in a reasonable way can help kids feel more secure. They can learn that, if one of the parents gets a wrong idea, they are not totally at the mercy of that parent's poor judgement. As kids get older, judges are very interested in how they feel about things. By now, I think your kids would feel relieved to be told that there is a plan for the future and that it will provide for their safety and security. Everything being up in the air can't possibly feel okay to them. They need to know if you are going away again and, if so, how far away. They need to know what rights over them their mom's future boyfriends will have.

Having worked with very troubled children in children's psych facilities, I can't emphasize enough the importance of that last sentence in the preceeding paragraph. Divorce doesn't mean you will have one tidbit less responsibility than you had or have. I believe you know that. Kids need to be reassured that you know that. Their mother has displayed some questionable judgement about involving her kids in her "dating" life. With all due respect for your wife's autonomy, you will need to have a care as to how she conducts herself, in that regard. I don't know a lot about family courts, but I believe they can offer some guidance when co-parents are in dispute about apropriate behavior. Here's a just one quick link:

Promise of Family Court

Do some googling and consult with an attorney about what provisions you need to make. Here's an example of reading that might help you prepare:

https://helpguide.org/articles/famil...ed-parents.htm

I would think you may do well to not be baited into hostile exchanges by your wife's rudeness. Try and maintain a detached, but courteous demeaner. Don't tell her your private business, and don't be overly curious about hers. Listen quietly to what the children share and refrain from overly emotional responses to what you might hear. I think kids are very capable of discerning when adult behavior is what it should be.

I hope the worst of the pain is starting to get behind you. You can and should move on. From what I hear, there is no shortage of young women out there looking for decent men. Here's something I was saying on another thread: When I was 30 and single, I decided that I preferred to date divorced men, over men my age who had never been married. I found men in the latter category to be lacking in normal life experience. Many years later, I'm with the divorced man I met when I was 31. Experience, even heart-breaking experience, matures a man. I have a feeling you could be a good catch for someone. Don't be in a rush, but get the divorce and resume circulation. I would add that smart women are favorably impressed by men who don't bad mouth their ex-wives, which seems to not be your inclination.

I agree arose. It's just hard to give everything up. I almost feel like this is a test, like if I give up, she will say "See, he gave up and I made the right decision" but on the other hand she is giving me no reason to think otherwise

It sounds like your wife has problems that she should be getting therapy for so she can sort out her life instead of reaching out to some married man who is not a qualified therapist.

I agree. Her priorities are school, work and the kids. She said she gave me 10 years, but yet she has time for her friends. I'll never get the truth or understand that if she wanted itbover why she didnjust file

That is why I think she should get some therapy so she can figure out what she really wants instead of wanting "you" to make the decisions. She needs to make up your mind so you can both either move on or work on repairing the marriage.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!! That's all I ever wanted was the truth and maturity! I'm getting neither

You need to examine your logic, DadFMF, even though it is so true that there is nothing so liable to dissolve logic in a man than being left by a wife he still wants. It's a situation that has landed men on death row. I don't suggest you're headed that way. But don't let this become a game of who gets to have the last word. Who cares? That's unimportant.

So - logically - let's examine: You don't want "to give up everything." Okay, of course not. But how can you not give up something that she's already taken away? You see . . . your logic is a bit shakey there.

Next: Your second concern, in the last post, is over what she will get to say. Yes, I understand that you want it clear that it is she, and not you, who is walking out on the marriage. Dude, she went and got herself a different apartment, the door to which you can't open, as you have no key. It's pretty clear who left who. (You didn't lock her out of anywhere.)

Finally: The "test" angle. So let's say you tough it out for another 6 months, and she says, "Okay, you passed the test . . . I'll take you back." Seriously? You'ld go back to her? Not that I don't believe in reconciliation and forgiveness. They're great, when they're genuine. Let's say you could put this whole nightnare in the past . . . and you probably could. Are you willing to live in an "open marriage?" Because that's what it would be. Her terms for taking you back would be that she comes and goes as she pleases, with whom she pleases. Yeah, she might take you back, so you could be there watching the kids, whenever she wants to duck out - on the town. That's the real test - what you'll tolerate. She's breaking you down to see just how thoroughly you can be broke. Being unfaithful was not a single, isolated indescretion on her part. That's her new lifestyle. She's not giving it up - not for you. She has been man shopping. I've seen this pattern before. I have seen a marriage survive infidelity. But not the pattern she has adopted.

Don't depend on her priorities being what she claims they are. There's one she hasn't mentioned. She has prioritized being out there in circulation. She's exhilarated at being hit on. She knows you want her. That's old to her. When she goes to a bar, the ring comes off and she signals she's available.

There's something wrong with this gal. I think her mother recognizes that and fearfully wants to keep you around, hoping things will go back to how they once were.

You don't have to do anything right now. Take all the time you want. Just do try to think with clarity and realistically.

What Rose said, plus one or two other thoughts.

You keep looking for the evidence she wants it over, locking you out, sleeping with another man and not wanting marriage counseling?

There is a platitudes reminds me of.

There was a great flood, a man of faith was left stranded month roof of his house with no way off.He was utterly convinced his God would save him.

After a couple of hours a guy in a small boat passed he stopped and asked this man of faith if he wanted a ride off the roof to land.

The man on the roof said "no...my God will provide, he will save me."
The man in the boat shrugged and went on his way.

The day wore on and a rescue boat came by, they stopped asking the man on the roof to come with them.
His reply was the same.." God will provide"

As night fell the weather worsened, the hunkered down for the night.
Later a helicopter passing over head, circling they lowered down a rescue line but the an once again refused.

"I will be fine.y God will save me he will provide."

The storm worsened the waters rose and the man of faith prayed calling out to God, "why have you forsaken me?"
Eventually he drowned.

In heaven the man was bemused and bewildered and,a little annoyed.

"God, I have been a good man all my life. I prayed regularly, worked for the betterment of others, have my time to those in need, why did you not hear my prayers. Why did you let me perish."

God replies.."I sent you two boats and a helicopter...what more did you require?"

This man refused to see the obvious because it didn't suit his view of whAt an intervention from God would look like.

In a similar way I see you missing the obvious with your wife because it doesn't suit you to accept it.

She isn't filing for divorce because for it doesn't suit her motives. Whatever they might be, probably financial. You might turn yourself inside out trying to figure it out. Irony change the situation.

I do wish you all the best Dadfm. Please take all the re you need but stay focused on the reality of it.

It's hard not knowing her side. I hate to just assume or guess things about someone. When I mean her side, I mean how she feels, what's going on in her mind. Her saying she gave you 10 years? Was it "only" that she caught you interacting with another woman online? Or, did she have other things she was unhappy about and that was just the straw that broke the camel's back? Women can go through changes and 10 years can be a kind of turning point, a fear of how time is running out to be independent and have a sense of personal value. Maybe part of it is not liking it when you get deployed, could be she did not like that something could happen to you too. Maybe that is part of why she wanted to finish getting a degree and have time to be financially independent.

I think it's tremendously unfair of ANYONE here to tell you what she's thinking and doing. It's just wrong. I support any decision you make, OP, but it's a big injustice to suggest what's going on in her head.

jmho

I agree sophiesmom. There are so many different reasons why people behave the way they do, it's not really fair to assume when the person isn't even here to defend themselves. I have had people assume things about me that were simply way off base from the reality of me. I don't want to participate in encouraging the OP to think something that simply may not be true.