Marriage separation after deployment

Thanks for posting all those statements. I had not seen how she kept saying she felt like he made her live in a bubble. This thread is so long and I admit I have not read all of it and I missed those entries.

A gentle reminder to all:

In reading through a lot of this thread there seems to be some projection, blaming and arguing going on in the guise of being supportive. Unfortunately this is not supportive to the OP.

Asking valid questions of the OP and then giving your opinion is one thing, but assuming things is not helpful.

This is a very long thread. I think it's time for some members to back up a bit and instead of assuming things, offer support to a man who is struggling with trying to understand what is going on and how best to deal with it all.

Please keep your posts in a supportive mode in moving forward.

To the OP, I wish you well. Maybe finding a therapist to help you navigate through your emotions and life happenings would be really helpful to you as well as speaking with an attorney to know what your rights are where the children are concerned.

I appreciate it. I think I will go ahead and end this long thread.

First of all good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

Opinions are just that...opinions from someone on the outside looking in. Valuable perhaps, to you, but NOT objective and definitely colored by members past experiences in relationships.

hugs to you

DadFMF,

When it comes to relationships and getting input from others, it's true that you will get advice based on that other person's personal experiences and observations. The truth is people actually begin learning about relationships when they are very young. When that happens, people begin learning to accept things as normal because it's what they are growing up with. However, there also develops insecurities depending on what a person sees and how their parents treat them too.

So, when you marry someone, you are already bringing in "some" dysfunction and insecurities you may not even be consciously aware of. This is true for both men and women.

For example, a woman can experience a father that not only treats the mother a certain way that has dysfunction in it, but he may also engage her in ways that she unknowingly accepts as normal. For example, if a father decides to challenge and argue with his daughter about what she knows or is learning without realizing it, she may end up picking a partner that challenges her the same way and she may accept that to a certain extent as normal even if this kind of relationship leaves her feeling unappreciated and she has to disconnect and distance from time to time which is what she also did with the father, and not only that but she may also experience low self esteem even if she is actually smart and did well in school. This can leave a hole she subconsciously tries to fix only to end up with someone that leaves her feeling the same "hurt" she experienced from her father which is something "she" will never truly change or fix. However, she remains dutiful on some level even when it's unhealthy for her. Not only that but this can also lead to her being envious of other women that enjoy a healthier relationship and she can carry shame thinking she simply was not good enough.

The same is true for men in what they observe taking place with their parents and how the mother behaves where they imprint some dysfunction that they think is normal or that they want to control and avoid. Also, they will observe the father's behavior and think some of his dysfunctional behavior is normal and is how to handle challenges or the relationship. So long before you met your wife and joined together in this marriage, you both already had some dysfunctional ideas and insecurities that affect the relationship.

That being said, when someone is struggling in a relationship and is looking for support, like here on this site, YES, that person will get an array of advice and it will be a bit opinionated.

When I came across your thread I could see a man that "wanted" his wife back and your thread was long and it had gotten to a point where posters were getting frustrated and IMO were saying "I already told you this or that so why are you still asking these questions".

Reading the posts that eskie put together was helpful in that IMO, I think you both love each other but the relationship you had together was slowly affecting both of your sense's of security. Unfortunately, when people's sense of security is affected they can begin to react in unhealthy ways that only make things worse.

From what I read with your wife deciding to take some time to go back to school and find something for herself to do you began to see that as a threat, it began to make you jealous and that definitely can happen, happens a lot too. IMHO, going all the way back to EVE eating from the tree of knowledge that created a problem for mankind, it's clear that for some reason it bothers men, NOTHING NEW here. Through so many generations this challenge has been handed down with all the dysfunctional ways this was handled. This problem/challenge is still very much a part of humanity in the present. So when a man and woman do get together, there is always some way this union and challenge is worked out and often how that is worked out isn't very healthy. So, you are not the first to struggle with this problem and all the "emotion and anger" that can present along with the "communication problems" because there are MANY MANY books written about that to try to help men and women live together in peace and harmony despite their difference because they ARE different, hence "Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars". Yet a major part of this difference is already in our human design DNA to procreate and this is part of "all" of nature. It's also important to remember that human beings are pretty fragile and take longer to grow and mature than any other species. Yet, for a long time human beings did not live as long as they live now and a lot of children died and a lot of women died trying to have children too. So with that alone there are things within us to compensate for that because "nature" itself is all about survival and EVE had to eat from the tree of knowledge so that she could develop skills to help protect the young if need be.

You have within you instincts that tell you to "protect" and in today's world that can often turn into how a man can feel threatened and insecure if the woman strays out of the "bubble" he thinks she should be in. Well, in today's world that doesn't work because in today's world often both man and wife have to develop skills that they can use that can contribute to the demands society now has to live a decent life and include doing so with the longevity achieved in human life now.

With that, you need to sit and think about the fact that women in general are encouraged to be more self sufficient and that requires the man to learn how to trust instead of feeling threatened when a wife tries to engage that more. Your marriage will not survive if you can't learn how to do that, it's that simple. You have to learn how to be more supportive to your wife as she make an effort to get an education where she can contribute financially and in so doing gain a sense of her own self esteem. If the wife feels trapped and punished for simply trying to be part of what society now demands of her where she can gain her sense of being part of that, she will break away in anger and she will most definitely come across others who will tell her to do just that simply because that's society's norm now. Your wife is now at the age where she has been feeling the pressure from society to engage in learning how to be more self sufficient. The days of her totally relying on you controlling the nest is no longer what is taking place in our overall society. Those generations where that was part of what was expected are over. Part of her message to you is saying to you that she is feeling the pressure to take on more, and she is probably a bit nervous and insecure about it too.

Part of what she is feeling is "pier" pressure because a lot of your piers are joining the new way of living where both women and men have careers of their own and have been learning how to balance the relationship and the family around that. It's too hard for the average family now to thrive on just one income. And your wife is going to use whatever she can to get to that point where she can be self sufficient and that doesn't mean she is a bad person. A healthier couple would be grateful to have a GI bill that contributes to their effort to seek that two income marriage. It should not be seen as her taking something "from you" either or that you are being the good guy for just giving her permission. And you are correct, it was wrong of you to engage in some online romance because "your" ego was hurt simply because your wife was taking time to find her way to become able to contribute and have a career. It was also wrong of her to react with having some kind of relationship with some married guy. That's about her own ego being hurt and not knowing what to do with her anger where she felt threatened.

IF all the two of you do is constantly focus on that, you will NOT move forward and be enlightened to the point where you become a team again and support each other towards having both contribute to the marriage financially and be allowed to develop a healthy self esteem from doing just that.

So, she reached out to you physically and you ended up having sex. But, that is not the fix, far from it, you both have to work on trusting each other, and supporting each other and understand the reality of surviving in society today and that it's healthier if both have a way to earn and contribute. If you can't do this and communicate toward this goal together, your marriage will simply not work. This is what your wife has been saying that she doesn't want to go back to and you BOTH need to work on finding healthier ways to communicate and put the toxic blow up and fall out behind you where the concentration is about how both of you experienced a hit to your self esteems.

Love is not enough, it's good to have it, but that in itself is not enough when it comes to learning how to "thrive" together in how society is set up in the present. Also, your children need to see how their parents can accept the new way society functions where both of their parents learn to have a career and feel good about their career and engage each other with support. This includes sharing with the house work, sharing with cooking the meals, and sharing with taking care of the children where it's NOT just babysitting but each of you spending "quality time" with your children while the other is trying to figure out how to become more financially independent. It's also important that you "plan" together ways to have quality time with each other too, a must for a marriage to stay connected and healthy and maintain a partnership. Your children are going to need to understand that because when they get to that point they need to know it's ok for each partner to have a career of their own and gain their own self esteem from that and have their partner support that. You don't want to hand them the dysfunction and insecurities that were somehow handed down to you and your wife, that will disrupt their ability to function better when they engage in understanding how to take part in the way society has changed where both parent is engaging in producing for the family to live a decent life.

I guess I can't stop posting because I still have things on my mind and this is where I vent....

So last night, she invited me over again and asked to pick up a bottle of wine. So during the night she opened up a little more and basically asked If I thought she had sex with this other man. She told me again they hung out a lot and had fun but the thing that bothered me more than anything is she will sarcastically say "Oh we had sex numerous times" and so on so forth. I'm not so sure if she is being sarcastic or not. She said she went to Myrtle Beach with him and so on so forth, and she thinks that is perfectly fine. (It's a hour from where I live). We ended up kissing, holding eachother and having sex again. Yet she still continues to bring this other person up when I am trying to forget about it all. She asked if I wanted to see a video on her phone of them doing the "Mannequin Challenge" with my children while I was gone....just a bunch of disrespectful things. She is opening up about certain stuff but damn it's painful as hell.

I also applied to move into Base housing. I am currently living at a friends house while they are deployed. Come to find out my wife seems to have no desire to move in right now and wants me to have the housing for the kids sake so it gives her more time to take care of her stuff as far as school...but why wouldn't my wife want to move in? She acts like she can't finish school while living with me....

I am receiving a lot of mixed signals. I'm not sure if she really cares about me or if she is infact manipulating me with sex. She told me after she was a little topsy from the wine that I had hurt her badly and she said being a Christian didn't help her as she said she was a good woman so she said "F it" I'm just going to do me and I don't care who I hurt anymore, I'm going to do for me. She still constantly brings up this OM, but said they hardly talk anymore but the do work together at one of her jobs (Both are LPN's).

I just feel like I don't know what to do. I thought we were getting on track but I still don't feel she is there 100% and that she is more interested in hanging out with her friends and living the single life still..

Guess my question is...what do I do? Do I stop talking to her and donthe 180? She's been inviting me over a lot recently and it's usually to bring her wine..is that a way of having me around, or am I looking into it to much??? I'm just confused with the mixed signals

DonI respectfully decline her invites?

I personally (if it were me) say no deal to anything until after marriage counseling. Are you still going to the therapist you mentioned in your earlier posts? Eork on your thoughts & feelings alone right now with thst therspist. Maybe that can clear some of your confusion also so you can make more clear decisions.

Im sorry but being a Christisn does work....her choices to throw that away indicate to me that you 2 will not be coming from the same place. Can you really honestly be happy in a marriage where your values are so different? If she is never going to be willing to go through marriage counseling eith as dysfunctional as your marrisge has become getting back together without working out the issues with a professional would be very unwise. That includes wine & sex also.

I would not make rash decisions. I think you definitely need to share this with your therapist, please tell me you are still seeing a therapist, you should.

There could be several different reasons she is doing this. Her self esteem must have been very low for her to go so wild just by seeing you just talking with another woman. And now she is sharing that she doesn't WANT to care anymore, no love, just make it about her. I am wondering if this other guy broke it off with her and she was even more devastated so her attitude is basically F all men I am going to think about myself now and maybe that's the only thing men really want is the sex anyway. My guess is this other guy has distanced from her and her ego was hurt all over again. Her deciding to give up on having faith means she is abandoning faith and just wants to hide her hurt and is at the point where she doesn't care who she hurts while she runs away from her own hurt ego. I have a feeling her fling with this other guy was all about restoring her faith in herself that she is still attractive and has value even though you began to think about another woman, I was thinking about that when you mentioned she just had to see what this other woman looked like, that's a worry about competition and as I mentioned her sense of safety about her own value. It sounds to me like she doesn't want anyone to own her heart. She is angry and hurt still and is abandoning the entire "love" thing. This is ofcourse just a guess on my part thinking what would cause someone to behave this way.

I am curious, you mentioned there can't be anymore children, did she have something happen where she can't have children? I am thinking about her hormonal balance because that is something that can make women go crazy if they suddenly have a huge hormone drop/imbalance. I ask that because I experienced that myself and had to have hormone treatment.

I have another question, do you know any of her history, what was her family life growing up?

My wife had a complicated pregnAncy with our second child and the Doctor recommended she get her tubes tied, in which she did.

He life growing up with strict. She was raised Jehovah witness so they had many restrictions as children. She got married when she was 20 and was married to him till she was 23. He left her to Perdue other goals. During that break and before she met me, she was out in the clubs having fun living the party life. When we meet (She was 25) that's when we started dating and it became about us.

About this other guy, i still don't know if it was physical or just emotional. She keeps asking if I think they had sex...like why would she keep saying that or bring it up? She tells me they didn't but then she will say yeah, we had sex me and you still be with me? I don't know wether she is testing me to see my redaction or if she really did have sex with him and wants to see if I would take her back. To be honest, if she got physical with this guy, I would never be able to touch her like that (Even though I did recently). I can get over an emotional affair but she has to drop him. If she still plans to be friends with this guy, it will be devastating to our marriage. It's just like if I still talked to the woman that I was texting.

I don't think she knows what she wants but I know I'm not a plan B. I think I am going to initiate the Divorce Busting 180 to get myself emotionally detached from the situation. All it's doing know is hurting me.

Whether or not she had sex with him--she could be testing your reactions.

She has been allowing you to be closer to her, but also making that closeness painful for you. She could be gradually allowing you two to get back together, or she could be manipulating you. It will be painful to find out which it is. To me, a main question is how much emotional pain and confusion you are willing to risk in order to possibly get her and your family back.

Not knowing what she wants does not make you a Plan B. It means that she does not know what she wants--yet. I will slightly reword what I said above:

To me, a main question is how much emotional pain and confusion you are willing to risk, and how much time you are willing to allow, in order for her to figure out what she wants.

Your therapist can help you think these things through. Also, keep suggesting marital counseling. But if you suggest it, the approach, in my opinion, should be something like "I really want our marriage to work out and this can help us figure things out", not something said in anger or frustration, not something that explicitly or implicitly criticizes her.

(((DadMF))),

I have given your situation a lot of thought and have been paying attention to what you have said about your wife's behavior.

While I have PM'd you with my personal opinion of the red flags I am seeing in this scenario, I will at least put down here in your thread that what you are dealing with is a wife that has extremely low self esteem and some deep unresolved hurts that she is running away from, this is why the punishment isn't fitting the crime. Your wife has chosen to escape her deep emotional challenges through alcohol and she is exhibiting the classic signs of developing an addiction and her choice is the wine.

I have seen this enough in my life to be able to see the red flags and it is part of how I struggle myself because of how this disease/challenge in others that I loved ended up not only hurting them but also me.

Your wife is showing you her reality and right now this is something that your age group has been struggling with in increasing numbers, the AA rooms are crowded and there are actually a lot of individuals in your age group that are high functioning alcoholics. It's definitely a big problem now. Your wife has never resolved her emotional hurt from being abandoned, she has got some deep issues the alcohol cannot fix, but she is in denial and is using it as an escape more and more. This is part of why she doesn't want to move in with you too because she is "hiding" her problem, she is in denial too. She is telling you in ways where she has stated F love, F marriage, I have been hurt too much and I am giving up and am going to "avoid" that and drink and party and be all about me now. I don't want the hurt anymore.

Your wife definitely needs help and if she continues down this road this will have a life long affect on your children, just ask anyone who is now an adult child of an alcoholic be it the mother, the father, or both.

Your wife will need help, and I know first hand how hard that can be on the partner. This is not about punishing you, this is about her need to run away from her own deep hurts and she needs help, the way she is handling this is bad for her and her children.

Please don't choose to react to what I am saying, talk about this with your therapist, take time out and go to an alanon meeting, even an alcoa meeting so you can get some ideas on how to handle this problem, because, your wife needs help and you are going to also need support in how to deal with this challenge.

Your marriage relationship will NEVER be the same again after this. IF she is willing to do the marriage counseling & work through the issues that exist & have existed in the marriage....it could grow stronger or realize that breaking apart is the best thing.

Without marriage counseling, all this crap will probably only serve to make the marriage grow farther & farther apart with more & more battles. Marriage is hard enough when things are ok. Like you posted once, you ASSUMED things were resolved before that deployment.....NEVER ASSUME anything in marriage or otherwise. Most problems in life come from assumptions that were wrong.

It's not so much being emotionally attached but ALWAYS looking at it through your logical mind & not through just the emotional mind. They are not mutually exclusive but the logical mind makes the best decisions. It helps to also keep in touch with the emotional mind also when making one's decisions just to make sure the whole picture works.

Life is complicated & even more when it involves marriage (someone else) in the picture.....these difficulties are best looked at as learning & growing opportunities....you are definitely learning more about your wife than you ever knew before.

I know she is very confused and she is trying to mask her own securities with alcohol and hanging out with other men who validate her. She sent me a Facebook clip today to my phone about a woman fed up. How she wasn't looking for anything else and that she wants me to get my act together or there are other men waiting to do what I'm not doing.....don't know what to think about that

What exactly does she mean by getting your act together?

She told her.mother that I am controlling, jealous and have a anger problem but she provokes a lot of that

I talked to her mom for a few hours today. She said her daughter mentioned that she thinks I'm controlling and have a anger issue...her mother says she loves me. I'm actually over her now at my wifes. I'll let you know how it goes.

You said you were working on your issues with. Therapist. What happened to that? You even admitteded in earlier posts on this thread that you did have those problems. So what have you done to work out your issues so they aren't part of your marriage.

Your behavior is your responsibility no matter how provoked one feels. You are the one who has to be under control of your OWN behavior. You know your wife is probably saying the same thing about you "his behaviors (anger, controlling) provoke me to act the I'm acting". It's a 2 way street but we are each responsible for driving our own behavior in spite of what others do.....especially in marriage.

Like I said, you BOTH have a lot of work to do on yourselves individually let alone in the marriage to make the relationship functional.

It's good that you have admitted that you can struggle with anger and that you have reached out to a therapist. I also think it's helpful that you have come here for support and to vent. Always keep in mind though that you will get different opinions and none of the people that are posting are professionals. So, it's important that while you consider the different input you get here that you also consult with your therapist.

That being said, some of the behaviors you have described in your wife are troublesome IMO. I was reading about women and cheating last night and women often cheat for different reasons then men. Women get lonely and often what they want is companionship whereas men usually cheat for the sex and often don't even love their mistresses. So, I thought about how you described your wife wanting to show you video of a trip and something they did with the children. And then how she got mean about having sex maybe many times. Well, some people have a terrible way of communicating what they really want and sometimes what they actually do is hit the other person in mean ways with comments that only end up hurting and confusing them instead of helping them understand something better.

I think what she has been trying to show you is what she really wants is the companionship. And you have already explained that you tend to show your feelings in a physical way. It seems to me "that" is what she is attacking. I think your wife was lonely in her marriage and that is a common complaint with women. I think that is what she doesn't want to go back to, being in a marriage with a controlling husband and being lonely. I think about the movie Sabrina where she asks Lynnel "you work and do this and that, but where to you play?".

I think while you were gone on deployment her ego was hurt but she also spent time with others that knew how to "play and have fun". Often what happens that is so common in human beings is how in a group or a marriage one can slip into a role and that is what becomes expected and begins to get boring and lonely. That is probably part of the reason that the percentage of couples that at some point cheat is high. I am sure you have heard the saying "couples who play together stay together".

You are in the service Dad, and you have a routine, but "where do you play?". You sit and read your sons a story, but do you "play" with them too? I have a feeling what your wife is talking about is how there are other men out there that know how to "play" and you don't so "what do you actually do?". So, take some time and sit and do a review of what your marriage was actually like, "how much play existed in your marriage?".

Do you plan things to actually do, like a trip to the beach, a night with the boys playing minni golf, taking your wife out to dance, all go to a museum, plan a little mini trip for you and your wife that isn't just about dinner and sex but includes some fun things to do together. Do you look to initiate hobbies with your sons at all?

What did your wife want to show you in that video, "we went here and played a game of mannequin". Key word "PLAY".

I have seen other problems, and your wife isn't communicating very well either, just trying to listen to what she does tend to say and what her "hidden" messages are about.

http://www.webmd.com/balance/feature...-your-family#1

https://www.menprovement.com/101-fun...ur-girlfriend/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert...b_1936934.html

I have asked her to do more exciting things. I Aster if you want to go to the beach or do something as a family and she never responded back. She likes the nightlife, drinking and hanging out at bars. She never used to be this way until everything went down between me and her. She did have a time between her last marriage and my marriage where she went out and hung out with friends at clubs. She's 34 years old and I'm almost 36. I'm not trying to control her and tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. I just want her to love me as her husband and to have respect for marriage which I don't think it's too much to ask. as far as my children, we always do fun things together. They were in a baseball league That just recently ended. My children are big into video games, so sometimes it's a struggle just to get them outside. But I did take him to miniature golf about a week ago. My wife is still distant even though I do you go to warehouse and spend time with her. Sometimes it's like she doesn't even want me to touch her. She constantly brings up living separately until she finishes school which I don't see why

What does she say as to why she would propose living separately until she finishes school?

I'm still trying to figure that out myself

Communication is about asking the person directly about the things you want to know. Not in an accusing way but in a truly wondering & wanting to know & understand their feelings way.

Any time we leave something up to ourselves to figure out where someone else is coming from WE ARE USUALLY WRONG because it can only be based on our own assumptions.

Have you ever heard the saying...."I know it's true because it came straight from the horses mouth" in other words...if you want to know what your wife thinks....ASK HER.

Well she dropped the bombshell on me and finally came out and told me the truth. Well sort of...she told me she needed more time to figure things out. She said she is not sure if she wants to be married to me or not.....I asked her what things she had to figure out and she told me "That's for her to worry about"...I'm completely devastated now..my feelings are definitley hurt and she doesn't seem to care