Marriage separation after deployment

Yes, she is probably much too insecure still to let you get close that way. I have experienced that myself so I can actually relate to that. I don't want to stand in judgement of her because I don't think that is fair to her or you. I did not experience an emotional affair like your wife has been doing, I may have been susceptible to that if it did present itself. I do remember that awful feeling of not feeling "safe" and it was VERY hard on me. I did not have a site like this to reach out to either at the time. A lot of people take that for granite now and forget how this was not there for people and it has not really been that long either.

I am not so sure an ultimatum is going to be helpful. Yet, I also understand your concerns when it comes to her and this other man who has managed to come into the middle and is providing her with "some" safety. It sure would have been so much better if it was a therapist instead of this individual that is clearly making this challenge much harder. It's very hard when someone doesn't feel safe and are confused the way your wife is.

She really needs a therapist to help her with this challenge.

I just wanted to comment on...women.

Some of us (I said SOME so don't go all crazy on me here) totally lose respect for a husband or SO that will let us walk all over them.

For me...the fastest way to get me to salivate all over you would be for you to tell me you're gone because I screwed up.
Messed up, absolutely. I am not alone, though.

Just offering a different outlook.

Yes, sophiesmom, I read an article that talked about that. I did not post it for him though because I think it might confuse him and I am not sure that is what he is dealing with in this situation. Yes, some women would want their SO or husband to seek out this stranger and tell him to get out of dodge because he is messing with the wrong man's wife. Yes, some women want the man to prove his love for her by fighting for her. Doesn't sound like the OP has approached this other man at all.

I think this was the article I read that mentioned what you shared sophie.
http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/re...hip_safety.htm

It's difficult to know without having any of the wife's input.

I thought about a lot of scenarios. I wanted to harm this guy cause he knew she was married and still decided to do all of this. She allowed it to happen though and I understand when you guys said she did it for "Safety", I really do. But the only way to move forward is this guy out of the picture. Especially after she bad mouthed me to them and alolowed them to bad mouth me. If she still wants them in her life, we will never work out. To much damage has been caused. What if I was still talking to the girl I texted and wanted to be friends with her? I don't and I cut that off IMMEDIATLEY.

It's not a case of acting on your thoughts though. I didn't mention anyone harming anyone else. I didn't even mention a third party.

Just some food for thought on some women and their reactions to certain types of men.

I wouldn't respect a man who didn't have firm boundaries and let me know what they were. Lose my respect and you lost me, if not physically, then for sure emotionally....

Perhaps you need to learn where you, yourself, draw the line...and whether she crossed it.

It's 100% her decision. It's been a year since we lived together. She has to make a decision on what she wants to do. She can't have her cake and eat it too. She was emotionally involved with this man. We will never work if he is around. From a women's point of view, what if a man was buying you things constantly, taking you out all the time to hang out. How would you think your husband would feel about it? Better yet, what if all of this was happening to you, how would you approach/handle it? The only way to reconcile and to save our marriage is to cut those people loose.

She bad mouthed you to these other people because she needed to vent her anger and how that deeply affected her sense of safety. Her anger and resentment towards you is how you severely hurt her sense of safety. I don't think she understands that, yet, I am willing to bet that when she sees you, as she has tried to articulate to you, all it did was remind her of that sudden lack of safety she experienced that "you" created.

I know for myself, I had so many emotions, even anger, but I don't think at the time I connected that on a conscious level of how my husband's actions deeply affected my sense of safety overall. I did not want him in my house at all, I could not be around him because I had too many challenging emotions that I needed space to calm down. I was separated for a few months myself. I wanted to hurt him and did want to find another man to do just that with too. I don't know what would have happened had I found that tbh. We did have to see a marriage counselor for a bit.

Open, what would you do in my situation?

Well, I can certainly sympathize with your position in all of this and I agree in that if the marriage is to be saved the other man has to go. I don't know about the friends though.
I don't stop my husband from having friends, that would not be healthy.

I would strongly push for meeting with a marriage counselor and have someone work with both me and my husband separately and together to see if the marriage can be salvaged.

I think this is VERY important for the children to see too. I think children should learn that when we can't figure a big challenge like this out the best thing to do is ask for help.

One of the big factors in my taking steps to see about working out my marriage is because I definitely did not want my daughter to be hurt. Prolonging definitely "hurts" the children. Children really depend on their parents to show them how to handle big life challenges like this. What has been taking place this past year of separation has definitely not been healthy for them. One thing I learned about that reality is listening to my daughter's friends talk about it with her not knowing I was able to overhear them.

Children feel abandoned during all this mess. They may not say it to you or your wife, but they internalize this as the two of you not loving them enough to "fix" this problem.

I agree about the counseling, 100%. She refuses to go. That's what makes it tough.

Well then, you have to sit down with her and talk about it again, if she continues to refuse, ask her what she is so afraid of. Then tell her what you are afraid of, which is not showing your children that when someone is an adult and they can't figure something out they need to get help so the entire family doesn't suffer. Tell her that in therapy the both of you will figure out "together" how to best go forward for the health of the "family". If the marriage is not going to work, for whatever reason, instead of tossing that decision back and forth with the children sitting and waiting in limbo, you BOTH come to the decision together.

Well she responded...I asked if he was still going to be around and she responded "No and neither are you" she also stated that "Your not what I need". She also mentioned that "You have problems"...so that's the response I got back from that

I'm considering doing a Marriage 180, and justvleave her alone. It's hard because we have children. I just need to get myself back again. This whole thing made me feel low, like I'm. Not good enough.

Believe that, if you want. It's also possible she got bored and did it for kicks.

My guess is that you really have no idea why she did it. And she's not telling you, either. But your goal is to find a narrative that gives you hope that the past can be restored. If you really want to understand her, you have to be open to the truth, whatever it is.

Deployment is incredibly hard on marriage. I can understand a military spouse getting so lonely that comfort is sought outside of the marriage. Especially when there were already some problems with the marriage before deployment. That, to me, is not a reason to end a marriage. I think infidelity (whether emotional or physical) can be forgiven and put in the past. That's if both parties really want to put the infidelity in the past. I think you're wise to be willing to do that.

But I'm not seeing where she values her marriage. You sound willing to be very understanding of how ways you may have neglected or frustrated her contributed to the marital collapse. You want to change that any way you can. I'm suggesting that this, possibly, may not be all about how her legitimate needs were not getting met in the marriage. This may be about her being a quite troubled/disturbed young woman who has an approach to life that is sort of doomed. She may be more emotionally damaged than you have ever considered. You're wanting to repair any dysfunction isn't going to go very far, if she has decided that she wants to behave dysfunctionally. You might scratch your head and think, "Why would anyone want to be like that?"

Some people are like that. She sounds like a person with serious emotional problems. You are looking for truthfulness. My impression is that she has already run a million miles away from truth. She may have adopted the mindset that "truth" is for suckers. There are people who get cynical and adopt that mentality. They go from one devious charade to another. They think they have to finesse other people, if they aren't going to come out the loser. They are incapable of dealing honestly with others because they really believe it's smarter to be sneaky and double-dealing.

There's probably a sad story behind how someone gets that way. It's most likely not totally the person's fault. Think about the home your wife cane from . . . about how her parents dealt with each other and dealt with her. Something may have gone seriously wrong way back before you ever met this woman. If that's true, then you trying to improve yourself may not fix anything.

I suspect your wife may have some serious psychological problems that have nothing to do with you. But she is looking for a scape goat for her unhappiness. So she'll blame you, the military, deployment, etc. This is all a bunch of smoke to avoid looking honestly at herself. Of course she doesn't want individual therapy or couple's counseling. A good counselor/therapist might try to hold her accountable for her own role in her own life. She's absolutely not going to allow that. Every single conversation with her that you describe is her wiggling out of making any earnest attempt to discuss anything. She is the woman wronged, and that's that. Finito! You may find you are at a dead end.

Ultimately, I think it's going to take an enormous amount of compassion on your part to accept that you may have married a very damaged person who may be truly incapable of being in a normal marriage, or any kind of a marriage that you could stay in without losing your mind.

It is hard because you still have to interact because of the children.

Now, what she said to you represents how she feels today. It's very possible that this so called relationship/friendship she had with this other man broke apart and right now she is feeling down and doesn't want either of you in that she is now even more emotionally confused. This is what she is feeling today though. And sometimes when someone says "you have problems", that doesn't necessarily mean she sees you as a bad person etc, but actually could mean "you are a problem in that you threatened my sense of safety'.

IMHO, your wife needs to see a therapist so she can sort through all the emotions. It's not a bad idea if you reached out for some therapy yourself. This way you can work through your own emotions and get yourself together and learn and grow from all of this challenge you are facing right now. This way if you end up in a divorce you will have a therapist to help you through all of that but also learn from your mistakes where if you do end up in another relationship you don't go down the same path. Thirty five is still young so you can learn some things new skills, change your path and improve on how you move forward. Also, if you are in therapy you can get support on how to help your children best so they don't stress and learn too. Truth is not all relationships work out, your age group from what I have read is very challenged in that area.

We are here when you need to share updates and vent.

Thanks Rose and Open...I think I'm just going to step away for a while and focus on myself. I just getvlonely and every human desires affection. It's very difficult and hard. I am seeing therapy for myself to work on my issues but it takes 2 to make a marriage work. I'm not going to waste the rest of my life for her to make a decision but I am not ready to give up just yet. I believe the 180 will help get me back on track. Just keep it about the kids and that's it.

So she texted me last night and said we needed to talk. She proceeds to call me but I didn't pick up. She told me that's she was going to ask me to come over but I'm always being an ***.........what is up with this woman????

I think you are doing the right thing by spending time with a therapist for yourself. When a partner is not taking these steps to reach out for help, then the only thing you can do is make it a point that you don't make that same mistake.

A person that is behaving like your wife is now is simply drawing you into whatever her possibly toxic ways of dealing with her challenges might be because she is not getting the right help to help her from making some major mistakes driven by her confused emotions. Working with a therapist is important because one has to talk about how they are "feeling" and learn what outside factors are contributing to these feelings, and what part the person themselves is contributing to these challenging feelings.

Well she told me today she wants a divorce. I asked if she was positive that's what she wanted and she said "Yes".

I emailed the other guy on Facebook to ask the questions that I needed to know. I asked why he was around my wife and buying her gifts, as it was inappropriate. I asked if he liked my wife and if anything aexuallly happened between them

I feel she wasn't being honest so I have to confront this myself

(((((DadFMF)))))),

I am sorry, you must be hurting a lot right now. Please keep yourself in therapy while you sort this out and get support while you work through this direction your wife says she now wants. Also, use your computer for support too and do searches for articles of how to handle this challenge.

I came across this article, interesting read. I saw another article I am going to post too.

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

That's fine to feel, however, it's doubtful that you'll get the truth and, if you do get the truth, will you believe it?

Does it matter to the end result?

I think you must be sad and angry and hurt. This will make you say and do things that might not be the best idea. And (as you know) I don't think this thread should be "out there" anyway...

Good luck to to you. I hope you find peace soon.

Here is another article that might be helpful too.
My Wife Wants a Divorce, But I Don't

Instead of allowing yourself to sink into an emotional meltdown, READ and learn and work on self.