Marriage separation after deployment

I asked her via text if she would like to talk and she responded "No". I'm getting mixed signals as to why she would invite me in her home. Maybe it's a step in a positive direction. Just don't know what to think but I enjoy is being together again.

Finally got some answers and what I was assuming was right

What do you mean?

She told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. She told me that while I was gone, I pushed her to basically hang out with this guy. She said that I should have never deployed while things where the way they where. She said she doesn't talk to the other guy no more and when I asked why she didn't give me a reason as to why. I was curious as it seemed like she chose hanging out with this man over me..she said that she was depressed and needed time to love herself before she could love anyone again. She told me that she is not ready to move back in again. She also told me that she will have male friends and that I shouldn't be controlling about it if they are just friends. Towards the end of the night after we put the children to sleep, I mentioned if she wanted me to stay the night or not and she told me it probably wouldn't be best cause it would give the kids the wrong impression. She also told me last night she didn't like sex anymore and how she hates men in general...I just don't know what to think about everything. It was definitely a lot to take in and a lot of hurtful things and tears that where said and done. I'm still just as confused as I was before. She told me she didn't want to go back to what it was. She also mentioned numerous times that if I want to be with her I'm going to have to accept the way she is, as she said she is tired of being shitted on by everyone

What would you think of buying her some flowers today?

She told me that every time I bought her flowers or a card that it reminded her of every time I messed up and try to apologize to get back into her good side.

This is a very insightful and caring response.

What could you do differently now, to show her that you care, and that you are trying to be different, without reminding her of the times that you messed up?

I don't know, that is the hard part. I feel she is opening up to me slowly and I'm not trying to press issues. Does anyone have any ideas to show her that I care?

Cook and clean up family dinner? Maybe starting out once a week, have a scheduled day of the week for that?

She didn't want the kids getting the wrong idea?

Idk about you but to me that sounds like reconciliation is not in her cards...

I could be wrong though, Idk her.

Have you tried asking her what she wants in place of flowers and cards?

Right now she said she is confused. She said she hates her life and hates herself. She said she can't love someone else right now when she hates herself..she kept telling me that if it would work, I would have to be more accepting of how she is...then she counters it by saying we are too different, we don't like the same things ect.

I'm working on rebuilding trust and working on myself. It's tough knowing she had an emotional affair with this man. She said hmshe is never talking to this man again and erased him of FB. I feel something happened physically but she denies it. I been back from deployment 5 months and yesterday was the first time she invited me over. She then proceeds to tell me he bought misc. things for her and ect. She said friends buy things for eachother all the time..I just don't know what to think. She obviously had an emotional connection with this man and makes it seem like it's ok. I really love my wife and she said If I would have never deployed all of this wouldn't have happened.

Right now she said she is confused. She said she hates her life and hates herself. She said she can't love someone else right now when she hates herself..she kept telling me that if it would work, I would have to be more accepting of how she is...then she counters it by saying we are too different, we don't like the same things ect.

I'm working on rebuilding trust and working on myself. It's tough knowing she had an emotional affair with this man. She said hmshe is never talking to this man again and erased him of FB. I feel something happened physically but she denies it. I been back from deployment 5 months and yesterday was the first time she invited me over. She then proceeds to tell me he bought misc. things for her and ect. She said friends buy things for eachother all the time..I just don't know what to think. She obviously had an emotional connection with this man and makes it seem like it's ok. I really love my wife and she said If I would have never deployed all of this wouldn't have happened.

This would be well worth her exploring with an individual therapist.

I agree. I thanked her for talking to me. She responded "I don't think this is going to work". I asked her if she wanted a divorce she stated "I don't know"....I don't know what to think. I thought we made progress

Sounds to me like she does know, but either doesn't want to know, or isn't ready to admit she knows...

The fact that she reiterates how she doesn't believe your marriage can work speaks volumes, her indecision is something else entirely. Its as if she doesn't want to be responsible for ending it, but telling you as gently as she knows how that she's done.

Reminds me of when someone has very little dating experience and they don't know how to break up with their partner, so they drop hints or drive their partner to do the breaking up...

I'd be much more hopeful for this situation if she said something more in the line of "Idk if our marriage will work, but i sure as hell want to try"

I disagree with the above. I really think she "is" confused about herself right now. I think she partnered up way too early in her life and while I know you are her second marriage, I don't see that she grew from the failure of her first marriage and she was young with that and still young with you too.

I think she is at a point where she "wants" to be a stronger more independent person, but she is also experiencing a lot of fear and uncertainty with that. This is supposed to happen a lot earlier, but she did not have that experience because she got married so early which is pretty much like going from her parents home to a partnership and not really having time for "herself", then she had children and that was her life for a while.

I do know what she means when she is basically saying the cards and flowers are not enough. I have felt that myself. She needed you to help pick her up while she was working on building her self esteem at going back to school to become an RN. She needed you to be impressed and excited "for" her. She spent time with that other guy because he filled something she "needed" which was someone to talk to. That is also why you had that online relationship that she caught you having.

You were "both" lacking in your relationship and began reaching out to others. It's no wonder she is confused and doesn't "know". And now with whatever failed in this friendship she had with this married man, she is even more confused but she can't talk to "you" about it, so now she doesn't know what to do.

Your cleaning the house is helpful, but it's not going to fill what's really missing in your relationship, "communication" and you both lost that or maybe never really developed it.
Men always want to know, "what can I do to fix the problem", well, you both have to work that out "together" and while cards and flowers are nice, they don't "fix" what is wrong.

I will say that what you did when you reached out to someone else first and she caught you was you not only broke her trust but also her self esteem. That left her wide open for this other guy to sweep in and give her "some" of what she needed. I am glad to know that fell apart because he was just some married guy that probably needed some attention too and was willing to have a woman and her children in his house when his wife was away.

So, you both lost communication with each other, and you both looked outside your marriage, bottom line is you are both guilty. So, that is what you can say to her and honestly, this happens in marriages and sometimes that leads to an end in the marriage, and sometimes that leads to taking steps, even if that means "with help" from a marriage counselor that can work with both of you separately and together so you can both find out if you "can" repair your marriage. Personally, I think it's worth a try considering you have children that I am sure would like to see their family return to being put back together again.

I agree with you Bill, but I am thinking along the lines of a marriage counselor because that way they can see the counselor separately and then together. The counselor can help them learn to communicate better with each other and also listen to their concerns separately too.

Open Eyes, I appreciate your response. Right now, its baby steps. I been praying about it and who would have ever thought she would invite me in her house to talk. I understand whatbflaws I made and I actually had the chance to sincerely apologize to her in person yesterday. I also went to her house today to tuck the kids in for bed, then I apologized for the lack of communication and not being there for her when she needed me. She was on her phone and heard me but didn't say much. After I said that, I told her goodnight and I left. I need to work on my communication and work on my anger. Even though it burns me up inside with the way things have went down, I have to find a way to be more humble cause we all make mistakes. I know I have to be patient because I did break her trust and self esteem. I was a big part and that and I'm doing whatever it takes to make us right again. I just hope she gives me the opportunity again to love her as her husband.

Well today was another downer...I texted her this morning and wished her a good day today. She responded "Ok, just divorce me". I responded back saying that i didn't want to divorce her. She then stated "To much time has passed" she said that I made her feel as if she wasn't good enough. I asked if if she lost all of her feelings for me she said "I think so". I asked her if she was going to divorce me and she stayed "No, I'm to busy to deal with relationship matters" . I said if she wasn't busy, would she. She stated "Not sure"....she stated she hardend Her heart to everything.....

I don't know what to do guys/gals..do I leave her alone? Do I Persue her to let her know that I do love and care about her?

She completely closed herself off to me. But yet she invited me inside her house and talked with me while I was laying on the same bed with her.

I just need advise on what my next step should be..I'm so lost...

Dad - the only advice that you are open to is that this is fixable and you can get her back. So go on for another 25 pages of people telling you that, if you become more understanding and accepting, you can possibly get her back. Hey, maybe it'll work out that way. I can't say I know for a fact that it won't. For the sake of those two kids, I'ld love for their parents to work things out and get the family back intact again. That would be the best outcome. And why shouldn't you shoot for that best, ideal outcome? So maybe it's good that you are still full of love and willing to keep hoping and wanting to become a better guy. Maybe that's all good, and you can patiently repair the breech between your wife and you.

I don't know why I feel a need to paint a darker picture for you. I'm asking myself, right now: "Hey, if this guy wants to have hope, who am I to burst his bubble? I could be all wrong. Other posters have been angry at the negativity of my feedback. Maybe they're right."

I still think your wife has got something seriously wrong with her . . . something really wrong with her character. Therapists can help people reach goals they set for themselves, if they are goals that a therapist can ethically feel supportive of. But a therapist can't choose a goal for someone. Therapists can repair serious character deficits. Your wife is already into her 30s, and she has some very wrong ideas about what she has a right to do and what is a fair way to deal with another person. Whatever values she may have, I don't think being fair is one of them. I've said harsh things about her, earlier in this thread, and the more you post about her, the more convinced I am that she has nothing but contempt for you, but she'll dangle you on a string to keep you around as babysitter for those kids and however else you might come in handy.

At any rate, time will tell. Put all the effort you want, for as long as you want, into trying to get your wife back. You have a right to make that your goal and be only interested in what you judge might get you to that goal. Some posters here believe that it's an attainable goal. I do not. I think you're avoiding facing reality.

The larger story of your life is that you've had one marriage fail and a second marriage threatening to fail. There's two ways of accounting for that: One way - supported by your therapist, even - is that you need to learn how to be a better husband. A second way - which I subscribe to - is that you need to be more careful about the kind of women you get involved with.

I think that she is definitely confused and her statement of "Just Divorce Me", in my opinion is her own feeling of "low self worth" right now. I mean, think about it, when she caught you talking to another woman that not only affected her trust in you, but as I mentioned was a hit to her self esteem too.
That is what she means by how you made her feel like she was not good enough. Well, now her friendship/whatever she had with this other man fell apart which is yet another hit to her ego that again makes her feel "not good enough".

Personally, I think all her behaviors towards you was her effort to make you feel the way she felt. So, in other words she wanted you to hurt like she was hurt. Also, when she said, "just divorce me", what she did "not" say was "I want to divorce you". Truth is, she is still feeling rejected and is paining from a hit to her self esteem.

It's very hard to get "trust" back.

If you really love her then all you can do is be patient with her and I personally don't think you should keep asking her if she wants a divorce.

And if you need to vent or reach out for support in this thread? It's fine, that is what this site is for.

Open Eyes, thank you very much. I really appreciate it. I am working on all my flaws and failures I had as a husband. I know it's not going to happen overnight and it's going to take a long time for her to trust me again. Your right about being patient, that's what I need to work on definitely. I'm not saying this separation was a bad thing. It opened my eyes to how much of a controlling A-hole I was...I can't take it back and all I can do is show her improvements and it's up to her if she wants to take me back. Thanks for being there for me Open, your insight has been very helpful to me

I think a lot of men have a hard time being patient. I think a lot of men like to "fix" things and when it comes to women and emotions they don't know how to "fix" that and they end up getting angry and frustrated and all balled up.

Women want to feel "safe" with a man, and they will actually choose a man whom they feel safe with over a man they are in love with attracted to. I think women know instinctively that the most important thing in a man is that he provides that "safe" feeling. I don't think it's just her "trust" you threatened as much as her feeling "safe". That is what is going to take a lot of time to restore with her, that ability to feel "safe" with you. So, if you think about cards and flowers and I am sorry or cleaning and even taking the children etc., well none of those things provide that "safe" that she lost when she caught you that day.

I am not sure that even "she" realizes this sudden threat to her sense of "safety". But, all her anger and cold looks that you have described is her "anger" because of her loss of that sense of safety. And, she also had to be alone for 9 months which probably made her feel even less safe.

I think men need to learn how to do things for women that help them feel "safe". Things like rubbing a woman's back when she is all tensed up without the expectation of anything else. When I am upset? I just want my husband to sit next to me or stand next to me and rub my back. Men typically have warm hands, and they can do a lot with those warm hands that can help a woman feel "safe" when he is near her, that doesn't mean "ok I need sex now". One of the things I loved the most about my husband was that when we dated and he came to my house and we sat and watched TV, he took my foot and rubbed my feet with his warm hands, it was THE BEST.

Communication isn't always just talking, it's not just about sex either, it's using those warm hands in comforting ways and using a "calm" voice which men have, that calm deep voice when it talks in a comforting tone works wonders and giving a woman that safe feeling. A man should not stand in front of a woman and hold her on each arm standing talking and looking right at her either, did you know that? That is not offering safety, that is too controlling. A woman likes to hold hands when walking with a man, it's about how warm his hands are and how that again brings a woman that sense of safety.

So, you talked about sitting on the bed talking to her, I wonder if she would have liked you to sit next to her, talk in a calm voice, rub her back gently and say, "I understand I hurt your sense of safety, I want to help you feel safe again, I am here and I love you. I am so proud of you for taking some time for yourself and you are going back to school, I think you might be a little nervous about that, but know (as you are rubbing her back) I am here with you and if you feel stressed and worried, we can sit and talk about it while I rub your back for you.

Men have so much to them if only they understood how to use it. Warm hands, a calm soothing voice and patience can do wonders.
Why do you think men are typically "warmer" than women, that women tend to get colder faster then men too. Because that warmth a man has is what women are drawn to, want to sit with and be held because it relaxes a woman and helps her feels "safe".

The uncertainty your wife feels right now? She doesn't know how to feel "safe". That can be a challenge to articulate to a man.

When men learn to become therapists they have to learn "how" to help their patients feel safe. They have to learn how to sit across from a patient in a non-threatening way, almost a submissive way, not aloof, not distracted, but focused on the patient ready to listen and to keep their tone calm and non- threatening. If they have a woman patient and she slowly begins to feel safe, she will most definitely come back and open up more and more. The biggest challenge though is what is called transference. That is when the woman is so relaxed she develops a love attachment to the T. Hmmm, think about that. It's all about the power in "feeling safe". Something to think about, sadly too many men don't understand that and instead get angry, frustrated, and all balled up.

You know, the old style of dancing where men were taught to move the the music, ball room dancing? Well, that was when men were taught how to have a rhythm, hold a woman's hand and waist and he led, she followed. That was something women loved, and actually a lot of men enjoyed it too. But, what women liked is the holding and the warmth that took place in that ball room dancing. And the man led.

In my reading just now this was mentioned a lot.

Give your wife space and let time do the healing. She is going through a huge range of emotions, just as you are. Some days it'll seem clearer to her than others. She may find it easier to talk about it with you sometimes but not other times. All of this is normal and part of the healing process. It is important to not rush or push her into reaching decisions about her feelings or her wants for the future; if she feels pressured, the easiest option may be to give up on you for fear of being controlled or manipulated. Space, time and love are the ingredients for helping her to come around to forgiving you, trusting you and starting anew.

I agree. I tried to get close, but she didn't let me get close enough to do that. I did give her an ultimatum. She told me last night she was just upset with him but she might still want to be friends with him. I have her the ultimatum. She had an emotional affair with this guy and the only way to move forward in rebuilding our marriage and trust is if she cuts this guy off completely. If she really wants to rebuild and move forward, that has to happen. It's totally up to her at this point in which direction she wants to go. Im just waiting to hear back from her