Marriage separation after deployment

From what you have shared it sounds like she did that for 10 years, and you have admitted you did not appreciate her the way you should have. I sounds like you are thinking that what you did wrong in texting another woman was not as bad as whatever your wife has done, which we don't really know right now exactly what she has done. But you are not seeing the entire picture of your anger issues, how you did not appreciate her, maybe you were too controlling, and then she caught you doing something that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, you HAVE made it a point to work with a therapist whom you say you respect because she keeps you looking at the big picture right? I think from what you have shared you are trying and you have been willing to see your part which is important in taking steps forward. However, just because you have decided to give what you believe is your 100% that she should suddenly be on board with you. It doesn't work like that, she was not READY to "just".
And she has said that she doesn't want to go back to how things were, she was not happy.

She is trying to learn how to "love and take care of herself", and she has realized (I gave you 10 years), that she gave of herself even when she was not appreciated. That's why she is saying "I need to be about me". She has probably tried to move forward with taking steps to think about herself, yet, she probably made some mistakes just like she made a mistake not to put her foot down years ago and let you know she was unhappy and felt unappreciated.

It's a positive sign that she has finally agreed to counseling. The therapist will spend time with her privately (at least that is how it was when I did marriage counseling), and then work with the two of you together to get you both communicating better so your concerns are discussed and you learn how to work towards healthier ways of communicating with each other. A therapist can "validate" her and help her "feel" that her concerns and hurts are being recognized that way when she struggles with you she will learn she can trust the therapist to validate her and help her communicate with you yet at the same time having a mediator that can guide the two of you in a healthier direction rather than the hit and run you have been practicing with each other that is holding back progress.

That is what needs to happen "now" in your marriage. You need to have a presence that gets to know "both" of you and begin coaching and helping you as a couple instead of all the input that you have both been getting from others who don't know "both sides and both people". There are actually quite a few people that use "marriage coaches" and they learn how to better communicate with each other and learn things that are being missed. So, it's not about being judged or being afraid etc. it's working at things with help and "learning".

I wrote the last post very late and I was tired, so I hope you understand what I was trying to tell you. People who get married and agree to vows the way you have stated don't always understand that just because a person does take a vow, doesn't mean they actually give in the relationship where the relationship maintains a "healthy" connection.

Often a couple can get into a way of interacting with each other where as you have described, they become nothing more but room mates. That is where you got bored and got involved with texting. What you have to really look at, which I think you have been trying to do, is how selfish you were in the relationship and for how many YEARS. You have said that you "love" your wife, but you have to really look at the years that went by where you failed to show it and instead began to just take things for gran tit. You have to come clean with the fact that you did not really give your relationship that 100%. Often that happens because of how a person actually doesn't know HOW to contribute to the relationship where their partner feels "appreciated" and doesn't end up feeling "controlled, absorbing their partners moods when things don't go their way, and just EXPECTS all the things right down to the dinners that are prepared, without stopping and actually thinking about "she really made a nice dinner for me".

What often happens in marriages is how they become just routine, and "expected". And what begins to take place is "loneliness" and a desire to be "seen and appreciated".

You have focused a lot on "if" your wife was sexually active with this other guy, or even if she was flirting with other guys in what you feel is wrong and inappropriate. What you really missed is that what she did get from some other guy is "he recognized her and appreciated her where she FELT she actually had "value".

Ok, so she gets a text from a friend of this other guy in "question". That turned into an argument right? What was she really "protecting"? It could have been that she was actually protecting how someone was interacting with her in a way that respected her "value" as a person and it really could have been about a better job opportunity.

I thought about you yesterday because I had my farrier come out to trim the feet on a few ponies. In our conversations I had learned that he left his wife and got a divorce and he ended up finding a woman that he was much happier with and this other woman gave him the kind of "appreciation" he was not getting from his wife, and for many years. The life he was living was that what he did became "expected" and he never really felt loved and appreciated as a person. He was an unhappy man and he got to a point where he decided to do something about it.

The messages I am hearing from what you have shared is how your wife got to a point where she was lonely and felt unappreciated. When you went away she spent time with other people that showed her something she was missing in her life, "people who actually talked to her and appreciated her". That made a light go off in her and what you have described of her behavior that pushed you away, even the angry looks you got, were all about her realization of how much you did take her for grant it. It did not mean she did not love you, but what she was not loving is the life she had lived with you.

Unfortunately, couples can get into a routine where they lose site of the true value of each other, they begin to operate on auto pilot to a point where they don't really see each other and appreciate each other but instead function in roles where they just role play instead of actually "growing" as a couple.

I think in your case, while you were away your wife began to make friends and reach out because she was "lonely" and that became REAL to her when she caught you texting. I think that when you came back the one thing she did not want to do was to go back to the "role" she had played that was lonely and unfulfilling for her personally.

What the two of you need to figure out "now" is if you can "learn" how to change the way you are with each other to the point where you learn how to appreciate each other and engage in a relationship where you can both grow as individuals and at the same time share and appreciate each other. Neither of you "knew" how to do that and mistakes were made by both of you. If this becomes some kind of "who did more bad" then you won't do what is more important when it comes to repair and change and grow, instead you will end up going down a path of failing to communicate and end up with more situations where you attack each other for "hurts" you caused each other instead and that ends up breaking down the relationship where it becomes irreconcilable.

I can agree to what you said. Just to clear any confusion, cause I see Eskisehir going in on me... I ADMITTED MY FAULTS AND MISTAKES TO HER ALREADY!!! I know what I did was wrong and I changed. I don't expect to have things change overnight but I also don't want her to kove on with another man and cheat while we are still married. I'm just as lonely as she is but that doesn't give me the right to go out with other women to garner attention.

I do listen to what she said to me me. I know where my shortfalls are and where in our marriage now cause I realize it. That's why I would like us to go to counseling to fix our communication and work towards a healthy marriage.

It's good that you have recognized your part (((Dad))). I agree that if the marriage is going to be worked on your wife can't be going out with other men and you both have to work on establishing that important boundary agreement.

My feeling about eskie's input is that it's going to take time for your wife to actually "see/experience" the improvements you are trying to make.

Yes, I think moving forward with marriage counseling is an important part for both of you to see what you can do to improve your relationship. Have you been able to set up an appointment yet?

Exactly....saying (admitting) & proving your actions have changed are 2 different things....but it is a good start. As for your wife going out with guys while married is TOTALLY WRONG too & she will have as much change of action necessary to regain your trust as you do....just different actions.....both changes necessary for the marriage to regain trust in each other. Just remember also that regaining trust takes a lot longer than breaking it. You both will need patience & to see initial change in the right direction. I am glad to hear that your T will be a good marriage counselor thatbyoubtrust to be fair to both sides in resolving all the issues & that your wife finally agreed. That is a step in the right direction that she is serious about not wanting the marriage to end. Praying it all works out for you both so that each will be fulfilled in your marriage.

I hope so too. I went over there again last night and all she does is say this and that about her friends. I don't really know her anymore. I actually went out and spent some time with my friends last night to get my mind off all of this. I ended up going to her house last night but it seems like it will never be the same again.

Your wife has gone from being just a mother and a dutiful wife to working and trying to have her own career. Her perspective on things have changed and that is normal when it comes to getting out there in the world and experiencing other people and things outside one's own environment.

I have a feeling that for a long time her life was about you and the children and getting into a life routine about that. Well, if a person steps away from that daily pattern, it will change them gradually. Family life has changed a lot where women are encouraged to be more than just a wife and mother. Couples are different now in that in a high percentage of households both husband and wife have careers of their own.

My wife speaks a lot to me about her friends and job. I take that to mean that she is comfortable speaking with me, comfortable with telling me what is going on in her life outside of our home.

So to me it sounds like a good sign that she will share with you. Maybe you could get to know the friends, some of their names and who is who, maybe even meet them.

It's a good sign she is sharing it....BUT when she is doing all these fun things and other activities with friends and she's not doing nothing with me it's like a slap in the face

Well there are a few options. Basically, you can go for confrontation or you can go for positive reinforcement.

With confrontation you complain about what she is doing and take it as a personal affront and demand that she stop.

With positive reinforcement you thank and compliment her on the things that you want her to be doing more of. So you might say "I really enjoyed it when we did ____ tonight." "I like spending time with you." "The best thing about our wedding was _____". In other words, you kindly inform her of what you would like to see more of.

When she tells you that she did X with her friends, you can say that you would love to do to Y or Z with her, or even X if that would be appropriate.

She might not do everything that you want her to. But I don't think that becoming upset and confronting her about spending time with her friends, taking her activities with other women personally, is going to get you what you want.

Sounds a lot like JEALOUSY to me. Isn't that one of the issues that caused your marriage problems in the first place before this whole mess started? Let's see, so it's ok, according to what you "TELL HER", for her to have friends, but your "ACTUAL ACTIONS" in response to a normal sharing with a spouse about the things she does with her friends ARE TELLING HER its NOT OK because "you aren't doing those things with me". It's NORMAL for people to do things with their friends that they don't do with their husband & right now she isn't doing things with you because she left because of your jealousy & anger issues Sounds like you STILL have some jealousy issues that need worked on. Just curious, did you talk to your wife about your job & what you do with your friends when she's not with you? I know some military jobs are highly classified & can't be talked about but if that isn't your situation, have you done that with your wife while she sat home being your wife & mother?

have you taken the time to get to know her now? She has a life that exists outside of just you & the kids....when she shares so you CAN GET TO KNOW HER, you dont want to hear because it bothers you that she has a life that doesnt do everything with you. How can you get to know her now if she can't talk about what she does & thinks without you becoming jealous?

that is exactly the point she has been trying to make to you....she doesn't want it to EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. She doesnt want the marriage to go back to what it was & she doesn't want to go back to living the way she did before. IF your marriage is ever going to work you BOTH need to fix & CHANGE the things that are causing the marriage to be broken which BY DEFINITION OF CHANGE means it will "never be the same again".

You seem to be good at saying one thing but when it comes right down to your actions they contradict what you say & actually still show signs of the issues that caused your wife issues with the marriage in the first place. You BOTH need some serious work on changes that need to happen for a marriage to be successful.

DadFMF, actually eskie has made some good points. Bill3 has some good suggestions too.

This is good that you shared this because this is something you need to work on more. This is being "possessive", when it comes to your ego. And this is what contributes to your challenge with anger. This is saying, "I feel threatened if I am not the center of attention". And, if you sit and think about this, this is connected to her statement, "I gave YOU 10 years". This is where things have changed in that it's not "all about YOU".
A lot of the things you have shared have been a lot about how your wife is making an effort to step up to the plate and have HER own control/identity for a change.

Also, part of the reason she wants her own space is her desire to have "her own" too. I think this is why she talked about "not" moving into a place that you get for housing. That's something "YOU" picked out, not the two of you and she is not going to go back to that where she just follows along with you. Honestly, I think that is also part of how she was selfish sexually that one time that confused you. However, I also explained to you how a lot of women go along with "the physical" that actually is where the man is satisfied and the woman isn't. I know this because I have done this myself. And actually, when you shared her comment about "yeah I had sex, but that's just sex", that was telling you something about where "she" feels your mind is at and what part you contributed to the marriage.

You say, "she was a good wife, and I did not appreciate her", and she is showing you what was "missing". And one thing she did not want was you being physical with her and she kept you at a distance. Yet, when she drinks she allows it right? Sober she isn't because SOBER she is still thinking about what you did do and what you did not and how she was unhappy and quite frankly BORED. So, she sits and talks to you about HER friends and HERSELF and your reaction is what? Feeling like you got slapped in the face? Why, because things did not revolve around YOU? Interesting how one of the statements she said to you about this other guy is how "he made dinner for her and the children". What that REALLY meant was she was sharing how he did not JUST expect her to do a duty and he was thoughtful.

I think your wife is trying to figure out her own self worth. Her marriage to you did not make her happy and when she caught you texting with another woman that was when it became REAL to her. Often a woman will marry a man who she can feel SAFE with. There is a LOVE that comes with that, but when that's threatened it can dramatically change that deep seeded need for SAFETY.

This relationship forum is FULL of questions where a lot of women made choices in a partner out of "low self esteem" and that is also part of why a lot of women stay married even though they are unhappy and EVEN WHEN they are being emotionally neglected and are with a man that can be SELFISH. And yes, even when they are in a relationship where it's gotten to a level where they are basically just room mates.

You still have not done anything FUN with her. All you have talked about is going over to HER place. You don't have ANY adventures together and there are LOTS of places you can go to in your state that can be fun.

Where do you PLAY DadMFM? What did she show you a video of about this other guy? She showed him being PLAYFUL. And where did your mind go to? "Did she have sex with him? Well, is that the ONLY kind of play you think of? When she talked about her friends what did she share, HOW THEY PLAY? A couple that stays together PLAYS TOGETHER. How do you engage in that?

Ok, guess I'll hang out with females and tell her how much fun I have and if she has an issue with it, it will be jealousy on her part

I'll sit on the sidelines while she is partying it up. Guess I need to do the same thing then it will be an even playing field

I tried to donfun things, asked her to go on a few trips, asked her to pick out trips and she denied them. There is nothing I can do so I'll just act like I don't give a damn anymore then I might get respect while I'm out living my own separate life. Since what I'm doing to salavage my marriage is "so wrong" to everyone on here

I, I, I along with anger DadFMF. That's not going to get you anywhere. You are looking at the advice the wrong way. Also, no one is saying your wife is without fault herself. This is why it's important that the two of you have some counseling.

This is the thinking that got you in trouble in the first place. The "history" is what you learned how to do, and part of that was not appreciating what you had remember? You have to learn how to "have" a relationship and you know what, this is something a LOT OF PEOPLE struggle with including YOUR WIFE.

Now, think about how you just determined how EVERYONE posting to you is saying your effort to salvage your marriage is wrong. That may be how it "feels" to you but that's not fact. Personally, I have been trying to respect that about you and help you. I think you are a nice guy but you do need to learn somethings and I know you are trying but you have to learn to set aside your ego and have an open mind when anyone tries to look at what may be taking place from your wife's perspective. And no one has said all her behaviors are good, she has made some mistakes in her effort to "find her own identity".

When she talks about things she has experienced with her friends, that's a way to listen to her intently because in the mix she is talking about things she enjoys and is discovering about HERSELF. When you learn to listen you can pick up on important KEYS to what makes her happy so you can look for ways YOU can participate in doing things your wife can enjoy. This is not the stereotypical flowers and cards, this is different. If you only listen thinking about yourself not being there, you will miss learning how to be with your wife in a new way that you have not done with her in the past. She is NEVER going to go back to how she just serviced YOU, YOU, AND THE CHILDREN. She was lonely and did not have things for herself.

She has been nervous about exploring, so she did what a lot of people do, she drank and I was concerned if that is developing into a problem as that is how a problem starts. It's using alcohol to be less inhibited, which you yourself have noticed that when she drinks she's more affectionate compared to when she doesn't. She has some low self esteem challenges that she is trying to overcome. She has made some mistakes, and I think she even got hurt. She reaches out to you, but if you can't step up the way she needs she will not want to work at it. The fact that she has agreed to counseling is a good sign. But you still have to be CAREFUL and not slip into your old ways. I can see you are trying and I am trying to help you but you have to learn how to not get angry and defeated just because you have not figured out how yet and that includes learning how to listen without getting jealous.

I'd also get upset you guys are confusing.

First you tell Dad dont get upset, your jealousy is off-putting, then you realize the friends he's talking about are men, and then u guys are like, damn thats inappropriate, you have a right to be upset.

Now you're back to telling him to chill out and listen to all his wife's funny and interesting stories about her MALE friends.

Make up your minds people, it cant be done both ways.

There are things that deserve anger and things that don't and it's important to pay attention to one's own reactions that can contribute to the problem in the relationship. Confusing? The relationship itself is suffering from poor communication so with that it can easily get confusing.

It's important to pay attention to the "I" too, because in a healthy relationship there is nothing wrong with a partner doing things they enjoy and have friends that doesn't include the other partner. However, this is the area that has been a challenge because his wife may have made bad choices due to her own hurt ego and low self esteem issues and loneliness. This is something people do too and there are a lot of examples of this in this forum too.

One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is maintaining a healthy level of "companionship". One of the red flags that is absent is when a couple becomes "just room mates". This is when one or even both partners will "wander" in a quest for their own sense of "personal value".

A couple should develop their own interests and even cultivate friendships this will help each one to develop their sense of self better, but, it's essential that the couple continue to cultivate their own relationship by sharing the experiences they have with others where they learn things that they enjoy OR even experience things they may not know how to respond to or feel about.

It's also important that in a relationship each individual can be independent and develop hobbies they enjoy doing where they don't have to do together too. Often, for example, the husband may enjoy playing golf or he belongs to a baseball team with other guys while the wife enjoys riding horses and developing skills and interacting with others who also have that hobby. This is something that "each" partner has of their own and should not be something that becomes a threat as there is nothing wrong with having a hobby or passion that is personally rewarding. It's also "ok" to be able to socialize at work too, as often in work environments individuals do develop connections and friends where they can discuss the work atmosphere and different challenges in that atmosphere.

When it comes to relationships and making sure there is enough "companionship" within that relationship, it's important to "learn" how if a relationship becomes one partner servicing the other's needs all the time that leads to nothing more than the two individuals just going through a routine together where "yes" the relationship does become nothing more than "room mates" and that isn't really a "relationship".

Each person in the relationship needs to feel "important" in their own way and it's really not unusual for a couple to develop communication challenges. Often this is something that develops over time too. So, it's very easy to fall back into that old routine that created the problem to begin with simply because as human beings we tend to be creatures of "habit". Often it is these habits that contribute to relationship problems no matter "who" the other person is, so even if this relationship cannot be repaired, it's important to "learn" what one's own part is in the relationship that contributed to this so this isn't repeated. Human beings tend to be drawn to "what they know" how to do and don't often realize this can set them up for getting involved in the same routine with a similar person that was not healthy for them. This is something that has been revealed a lot in this forum too. So, it's always better to LEARN one's own part that contributed to a problem so they don't end up facing the same challenges.

DadFMF has expressed a desire to "try" to recover his marriage and that he does love his wife. Sure, I could make it a point to focus on all his wife's faults and failures and tell him she is using him and to just dump her. Yet, he WANTS to try and I am respecting that and so is his therapist whom he has described as being "tough" on him sometimes, yet he is recognizing as hard as it might be, this therapist is right and he WANTS to do things right and learn. He also struggles with anger and control issues. So, he needs to learn how to get more control over that. So for him to do that he has to have someone help him when he gets angry in a selfish way so that he LEARNS how to slowly recognize for himself when he is practicing this. He is not stupid, HE CAN LEARN, and he also has to learn to have "patience".

That being said, the fact that his wife has agreed to engage in some counseling is also a major positive because she needs to understand what she may be expecting of him that he is struggling to understand and SHE needs to learn how to better communicate with him too.

IMHO, he LOVES his wife, he is trying and his wife needs help to see that along with ways she can communicate to him where he understands her better.

When he "shares" things that happen, things his wife does say, I have been trying to help him understand what it could mean from "her" perspective. She isn't helping him this way, she is NOT communicating in a way where he understands her. He seems to respond better when something is explained to him, he gives it a lot of thought, so IMHO, he needs to "learn" how to understand what she is saying better so he doesn't just stomp off in anger and frustration.

They are BOTH at fault and they BOTH need to learn how to communicate better with each other otherwise they will not LEARN how to work WITH each other so the relationship becomes and grows more healthy.

Did you miss the bit where Mrs Dad is talking about her MALE FRIENDS or are you ignoring it?
This is not the couple swapping stories about golfing and horse riding, well I guess it could be, except she goes horse riding with the boys....

NO, I did not miss that Trippin. I have also talked about what is inappropriate too. But, there are times where "male" friends are just that "friends" too. I also know that there are male LPN's too so it's not unusual to develop friendships based on individuals who are doing the same job with the challenges that are faced in that job.

In this case as I have mentioned, there are men that are also LPN's and that doesn't always mean that spending time with these men means it's going to end up with some kind of affair.

I think when his wife caught him interacting with another woman on line it was a huge hit to her ego/self esteem and then he went off on leave and she began spending time with co-workers and also felt very wronged, unappreciated and LONELY. I think she engaged in a friendship with another male and he treated her in a way where she realized was "helpful" and made her feel good about herself. I think she loved being treated like she had value and she began to realize that had been missing for her for a long time. Yet, I also think this other guy got lonely in his relationship too, perhaps he did not feel his being just and LPN was good enough compared to perhaps his wife having a more important or successful career. He was getting appreciated in a different way too and he liked it. Yet, he is not going to give up his wife or HIS marriage.

Honestly, I don't think he loved Dad's wife, instead he just liked being appreciated and he began to realize it was getting unhealthy and he cut it off which ended up hurting and confusing Dad's wife who was already hurting and suffering from low self esteem and catching her husband interacting with another woman.

I think what happened was a "check point" where this other guy was learning things from your wife and began to look at his own relationship differently where his wife is trying to do exactly what your wife was beginning to do, establish her own identity and that doesn't mean this other guy was not important, he learned he IS valuable and even if he doesn't feel that from his career level at this time, he has value in other ways. LPN's often go unappreciated and take a lot of crap from the RN's where they end up picking up a lot of flack as it's not unusual for "staff" shortages to take place in an effort to keep costs down. So often there are fewer RN's due to the fact that they do make more money compared to LPN's. So, LPN's notoriously feel over worked and unappreciated. It's not unusual for them to vent to each other about how difficult things are on this level either. Working in the health services field can be very demanding and one does see a lot of illness and medical trauma, it's not an easy profession depending on where the person is working.

I think she is VERY confused about herself and I think she loves Dad, but has also realized her own insecurity and unhappiness which got even more complicated. What she has realized is that she doesn't want to go back to being there for her husband and her children and not really having her own sense of identity. I don't think she EVER really developed that in herself either. This is part of why she struggles to communicate and has for a long time.

If every time she talks about her friends DadFMF is going to get upset and think the worst, it's only going to push her away. I think she is struggling to find her way and will want to have friends who understand the challenge to lean on for support. I think she has a goal of becoming an RN and working towards having a better paying career which I think others in that field may also be trying to do too.

I think that her finally considering marriage counseling is a good sign too. I don't want to encourage Dad to just think the worst case scenario that he is being used because no one knows that to be fact.

Hi DadFMF, just thought I would check in with you to see how things are going.

I grew up in a neighborhood with mostly guys. I hated playing dols or house with the girls....it was boring compared to climbing fences, climbing trees, playing street baseball. I never had common interests with women. I ended up in a mostly male computer engineering career.....while married. I worked, played racquetball & socialized with the guys at work because they were the only ones I had something in common with. I even enjoyed our work's ballroom dancing club because my H never could dance. I also played my flute in many different chamber groups with many guys who were musicians.

My marriage was not good but I never had an affair in all those years. He talked about his work & activities he was involved in, I talked about mine. Even if the marriage had been good, that is the way our lives would have been because for me being an individual & having my interests & being involved in activities I enjoy is a critical part of my life.

Home & the care of our daughter was totally a partnership deal or I never would have stayed married.

Just because one person in the marriage does something wrong, if your values are TRULY what you say they are, going out with women wouldn't even be an option. It is not society that determines our values it's God & when that is at the real center of your life then our behaviors are based on the same values no matter what direction life takes around us.

Not every time a wife interfaces with males does it mean an affair & reading that into it without PROOF is just asking for trouble because no one likes being accused of something they really didn't do. It only tends to create angry & snide responses.

The thing is that THERE ARE ALWAYS 2 sides to every story & when I tend to hear only one side, it makes me REALLY WONDER about where the other side is REALLY coming from & so my mind tends to think on how I would react in a situation where both sides are NOT presenting themselves....call it the devils advocate.....but when someone tends toward only seeing one possible view of something I usually tend to see other possibilities.

Hope things are becoming REALISTICALLY more clear.

So me and the wife are moving back in. She finally opened up a little bit and told me this guy (The OP friends) was trying to make advances on her and she cut off the friendship with that guy. The said guy keeps calling and trying to reach out but she said she would handle it and didn't want me to do it for some reason. Now I'm at a crossroad. I want to confront him to tell him to step the •F• off. What should I do?

Why do you suppose that she does not want you to handle it?

Why dont you trust your wife to do what she says she's going to do?...especially if you are getting back together with her.